I Run to You
by MidnightTrain
Summary: For five years, Bella Swan and Jasper Whitlock have lived as carefree vagabonds. In an old Mustang, they roam from town to town across the country. But they are broken; and they are running. So what happens when the past catches up to them? All-human. Complete.
1. Where I Lay My Head

**Summary:  
**Two small suitcases and a 1960 Gibson Hummingbird; that's what best friends Bella Swan and Jasper Whitlock pack up into their '69 Mustang as they roam from town to town across this vast country. They are nomads. They are vagabonds. And they are running. But what happens when the past catches up to them?

**x.x.x **

**A/N: **This story was deeply inspired by the lyrics of _Free Bird _by Lynyrd Skynyrd and _I Run To You_ by Lady Antebellum. My life kind of revolves around music... well, you'll see ;)

* * *

**And my ties are severed clean  
The less I have, the more I gain****  
Off the beaten path I reign****  
Rover, wanderer  
Nomad, vagabond  
Call me what you will  
But I'll take my time anywhere  
Free to speak my mind anywhere  
And I'll redefine anywhere  
Anywhere I roam  
Where I lay my head is home**

_**Anywhere I Roam - Metallica**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

The hotel room door flew open and slammed quickly, startling me. I faltered, my fingers slipping off the strings of the weathered Gibson Hummingbird in my lap.

"We're leaving."

Those two words.

They always changed everything.

"Already?" I sighed, setting the guitar down beside me on the filthy flowered-pattern bedspread on which I sat. It was straight out of seventies, just like everything else in this decrepit, grimy hotel. It was hard not to imagine what things this bedspread had seen over the years and not shudder.

Jasper barley glanced at me before nodded curtly and disappearing into the bathroom. I heard the door lock behind him with an echoing _click. _Then the shower was running.

I watched him, then shook my head slowly. I ran my hands through my long, tangled hair, exhaling a long breath of frustration.

It was days like today that I disliked – or not so much the days, but the moment - or the _second_ - when unexpectedly, and for whatever reason, life changed yet again.

It was beyond my control, just out of reach. Always.

But that was life; it always changed. No matter what you did to stop it.

And Jasper and I… well, our entire way of life was based on change.

It was how we survived

And we really only had one rule: when one of us says we're leaving, we leave. We don't ask questions, just pack our bags and be ready by morning. But the time we spent in one town was becoming shorter and shorter - we hadn't even lasted here a month yet. It was like with every day that passed it was getting increasingly difficult to stand still. And normally I didn't mind much, in fact I often relished in the journey, but I actually beginning to like my boss. For once.

I lay back on the bed and lit a cigarette. I heard the shower turn on in the room next to us, and someone was banging around upstairs. My eyes drifted to the water stained ceiling. The brown stains in the off-white tiles curved and twisted out like the lines of a map. It could have easily been a map of our travels: sporadic, impulsive, and unpredictable.

I'd stayed in some pretty sketchy places in the past five years, but this hotel had to be one of the worst. The walls were paper thin, the toilet leaked, and the television didn't work. The walls were stained, the sheets never clean, and you ran out of hot water five minutes into a shower, every time. And the mattresses, oh the mattresses. You could feel every spring, and they dug into your bones no matter which way you lay. It was very likely my hipbones were permanently bruised from the pathetic excuse for a mattress. I hadn't had a full nights sleep in a month.

I exhaled a cloud of smoke and watch it swirl above me in the yellow lights. Maybe it'd be okay. Maybe it was time to move on.

When you live like we do, you learn to not get too attached to one place.

Because when you didn't care, it was so much easier to let go. I had to remind myself of that every day. Because we never stayed. I didn't know if we ever would stay. So the people I met, the friends I made… they were all temporary.

My blessing was that I knew that going into it. But I rarely made friends anymore.

Someone had once asked me why we lived the way we did, what were we looking for. I honestly didn't have an answer. The reasons for leaving were not the same reasons for not staying. If we were looking for something, I still had no idea what it was.

It's just what we did; how we lived.

I had left the place I called home when I was seventeen years old, and I'd never been back.

I didn't know any other way anymore.

I exhaled again, and let my hand hang off the side of the bed. I couldn't wait to find a place with a fucking decent mattress.

I ashed on the carpet, because I didn't care anymore and because honestly it probably made the carpet look better.

The more I thought about it, the more appealing the idea of leaving this place behind became. In fact, I was beginning to wonder why the hell we'd stayed so long in the first place.

I heard the shut off shower with a loud _klunk _and moments later Jasper emerged from the bathroom, with what was probably a once-white towel wrapped around his waist. "Fucking piece of shit," he muttered, shaking his head in anger. Water dripped from his blonde curls and hit the faded carpet as he rummaged though his small, worn-out suitcase.

"Where we going?" I asked, rolling onto my stomach and putting my cigarette out in the glass ashtray that sat on the wobbly nightstand separating our beds.

He didn't look up, just shook his head. "I don't know, Bella. We'll figure it out tomorrow."

I rolled my eyes as I flipped back over. We never had a plan. Jasper hated plans.

"I get paid on Friday," I realized out loud.

This time he stopped. "How much?"

"I don't know. Two weeks. I put in a lot of overtime, too. It'd be worth staying for."

He sighed in frustration. "Denyse won't let you have it early?"

I sat up. "Oh yeah, I'll just show up before my shift tomorrow, tell her I'm leaving with absolutely no notice, and ask if she'd please sign my check because the car needs gas. She'll love that."

"Yeah, well, it's your money," he grunted, going back to sifting through his bag.

"It's _two days_, Jasper!"

I saw him zipping up his jeans out of the corner of my eye. He turned to face me just before he pulled a t-shirt over his head. "You know how it works, Bella."

"Yeah, well, in order for it to _work, _I need my fucking money."

"Oh please. Like you haven't lied to a boss before. You know how to do this. This is what we do, Bella! Make up some bullshit story and get her to hand over your check tomorrow, because we're leaving."

I shook my head, but had already given in. "Fine."

"Okay," he nodded, pulling the grey shirt over his head. "And I'm not gonna apologize, Bells. You've made me leave at really inopportune times, too."

"I know," I muttered.

"Okay. So you gonna come grab a drink with me? We can say good-bye to Gerry together."

I rolled off the bed and got to my feet. Because if there was one thing that Jasper and I were good at, it was good-byes.

**x.x.x**

"Jasper, I cannot believe that you're gonna just take off with this beautiful lady of mine. Isabella, sweetheart, stay. I'm in love with you beautiful. I'll make you the happiest girl in the world."

I laughed at the bartender, wrapping my hand around my nearly empty glass I leaned forward in my seat. "Gerry, baby, what do you think your wife would think about that?"

He waved it off. "Oh, that old hag? Now don't you worry your pretty little face about her." He leaned in close, and lowered his voice, holding up his pudgy hand up to cover his mouth from Jazz. "I know how to make people disappear, if you know what I mean."

"I think you've been watching too much TV, old man," I laughed.

"Pshaw! I'm a bartender and my two best customers are leaving me. I think it calls for desperate measures. I'll even give you all the Jack and Coke you want, sweetheart. Just please don't leave me." Gerry had both of his thick hands clasped in front of him and I think if it hadn't of been so much work for him to get up and down, he would have been on his knees begging.

Though the bribe was tempting, I grinned and shook my head. "Sorry, Gerry. The world is calling me."

Jasper nudged me, glancing at me from the corner of his eye as he laughed. "Besides, she's mine."

I rolled my eyes.

"You wish, son!" The sweaty bartender laughed heartily, the sound echoing off the walls of the nearly vacant bar. His long grey hair was slicked back in a ponytail, his round, wrinkled face red and so shiny I could have used it as a mirror. He shook his head and mopped his face with a handkerchief he kept in his breast pocket. "So you kids are really leavin', huh?"

"Afraid so," Jasper nodded.

"You'll have to come back and visit."

"Of course." We wouldn't.

He nodded, satisfied. "Well, how about another round? This one's on the house."

"Sure thing, Gerry."

Lying's a funny thing. When you tell enough lies, you begin to believe them yourself.

But Gerry would forget about us soon enough.

He grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels from behind the bar and made the three of us drinks. He mopped his head again before passing them around, and we clinked our glasses together before taking a long sip. The whiskey warmed my throat on the way down, and I smiled to myself, sighing deeply. No matter where I was in the world, this was home: Jasper, Jack Daniels, and me. _My family. _When customer signaled Gerry for another round, he excused himself and waddled down the bar.

"I'm actually gonna miss the place," I said quietly to Jasper.

He nodded, his gaze fixed across the room as he lit a cigarette.

Sometimes the guy just wasn't the greatest company. But he was all I had. And something was bothering him; that I knew. But whatever had happened to make him decide we were moving on was his business. He'd tell me when he was ready. Because that was our rule. And we trusted each other enough to not ask questions.

I'd known Jasper since I was eight and he was ten. Some kids were picking on me at school and Jasper had stepped in for no good reason other than he was passing by and he heard the new girl getting teased because of the way her mom cut her hair. But that was how Jasper was; he was always saving people. And he'd saved me that day. He became one of my best friends, even though the kids in his grade made fun of him for hanging out with an awkward little tomboy in the third grade.

We had a strange bond. It was never romantic for us, not ever. He just protected me; like an older brother to his little sister. He ate his lunch with me when no one else would. He'd help me with my homework when I got stuck on a question. He'd take me to the nurse when I'd scrape my knee at recess. He was always there for me, watching over me. But soon his guardian duties developed into a friendship. He'd teach me how to ride a bike with no hands. We'd spin on the tire swings and see who could go the longest without getting sick. (He'd win). We would race to climb the jungle gym. We didn't live far from each other, and soon he was eating supper at my house every night. He'd stay until dusk, and then reluctantly walk himself home. My mom used to joke that we wouldn't be able to get rid of him if we tried.

It took me a long time to realize why that was.

I don't remember the exact day that I figured out that his dad beat him. But the signs were always there. The unexplained bruises, the absences from school, his aversion to going home. But I had a pretty good idea what was going on before he finally admitted it to me. And I would never forget the day he told me.

He'd come to school with a black eye; a bruise that hadn't been there when we'd parted ways the night before. He told the kids in his grade he'd fell over in my dad's little rowboat while we'd been out fishing and banged his head. I stood by and listened and played my part. But that was the end of the lies; he'd come clean that night while we were sitting out on my back porch, eating popsicles after supper. Because we always told each other in the end. There was nothing we could hide from each other – not for very long, at least.

So Jasper held my hand and looked me in the eye and told me that sometimes his dad liked to hit him. Sometimes it was for something small, like forgetting to close the cupboard door when he took out a bowl for cereal. Sometimes it was for forgetting to put his shoes away, or leaving his baseball mitt lying around. And sometimes it was for absolutely no reason at all.

Then he lifted his shirt and pointed out the scars his dad's belt had left on his back. The worst ones were on his back, but they were on his arms and legs too; they were e_verywhere_. But to the untrained eye they just looked like scars a little boy had gotten from playing too hard. Nobody batted an eye at a boy with scars. That's why my mom said she was always so glad she had a girl. _Little boys are too reckless_, she laugh when she saw Jasper's cuts and bruises. But Jasper wasn't _that_ reckless. Nobody was.

So we sat there and I cried for him, because it wasn't fair. Because Jasper was a good person, good people shouldn't be punished like that.

He was always saving people; but no one knew it was _him th_at needed saving the most.

He held me as I cried, and when he finally released me, I looked up and realized it was the first time I'd seen him cry too.

I tried to get him to stay that night; I was terrified for him. But he told me it would be worse if he didn't go home. So I had to stand there and watch him walk away, knowing he was in danger and there was nothing I could do. I'd never felt so helpless in my entire life.

We never talked about that conversation after that night.

And I never said a word about it to anybody else. Because in some fucked up way, a way which I will never understand, Jasper still cared about his father. And Jasper promised me that the only way I could help protect him by keeping his secret. So I did - for about four years. But then that secret nearly ended his life.

When Jasper started his first day of high school, I thought my life was going to end. My guardian was gone – off to bigger and better things. I couldn't offer him what high school did. I was terrified a girl was going to come sweep him off his feet and I'd never see him again. A new family would set a plate for Jasper every night. He'd find a new friend to race around town with on his pedal bike. So when I got home from school that day and opened the door to find him sitting at our kitchen table, waiting for me with a wide grin on his handsome face, I threw myself at him and cried.

I was always crying.

He'd laughed as he held me, and promised me that no matter what happened, he'd always be there. Or, how I think he put it at the time was more like: "Bells, if I stop hanging around with you, then who do you expect to stop you from walking into stuff?" Funny thing is though, almost ten years later and he's still picking my ass up and bandaging scraped knees.

And shit, I don't know where I'd be without him.

But even with Jasper off attending high school, our rituals remained the same and every night Renee set a spot for him at the table. And he was there, no matter what. If he had baseball practice, I'd set our dinners aside and wait so we could eat together and exchange stories about our days.

High school fascinated me, and terrified me. I was two years behind him, and to me it seemed like an entirely strange new world. To me, Jasper may as well have been on a completely different planet.

He told me about how lenient the teachers were; they usually didn't check your homework so he didn't have to do it if he didn't feel like it. And he told me about the magic math books that had the answers left in the back. You could be late for class and most teachers didn't give detention. And sometimes, he skipped class altogether and hung out in the parking lot with the other kids, or went down the road and played a couple rounds of pool with his baseball buddies. He promised me the cafeteria made the best grilled-cheese sandwiches I'd ever taste. And he told me about the girls; the cheerleaders, that were always asking him for dates.

"How come you don't go out with those girls?" I'd asked him, a little afraid to hear the answer.

He'd shrugged, his grey eyes dancing as he teased, "Maybe if the right one asks me someday, I will."

I nodded and wondered what he meant by that. I didn't want him for myself that way, but I didn't want some other girl to have him either.

When he did start dating, I was crushed at first. But nothing between us really changed. He still promised me I was the number one girl in his life. He dated a cheerleader named Maria semi-seriously for about a year, but even she couldn't come between us. He broke it off with her when she started talking about marriage and babies the year they graduated. And when guys starting asking me out, he was always watching over me like a protective brother. He probably scared away quite a few guys; he rarely approved of any. For a long time I thought Jasper would be the only boy I would ever love; the only one he'd _let _me love. Then love took on an entirely new meaning the summer I was fifteen and he was seventeen. It was also one night that same summer that he missed a dinner at my house without any explanation – the first time in six years.

That was the summer his dad nearly killed his only son.

"Come on, Bella, let's go."

I looked up and saw Jasper's intense grey eyes watching me as he put his cigarette out on the ashtray between us on the bar. His face was pulled together, a crease stretching across his forehead that told me he'd been deep in thought as well.

I shrugged my leather jacket back on and pulled a bill out of the pocket of my jeans, tucking it under my empty glass for Gerry. He was still occupied further down the bar, talking to some old trucker that frequented the place. Jasper stood and waited for me to pass, then followed me out the door.

There was no hugs, no tears, no more empty promises. We were discrete; we had to be.

Jasper pulled up his hood and I put my head down and we were gone. The wind whipped my hair around my face as I paused and glanced back at the broken neon "Open" sign that flashed sporadically outside the weather-beaten door of the Gerry's Bar.

It was a beautiful moment, in a broken, bittersweet kind of way. We would never see Gerry the bartender again.

**x.x.x**

* * *

**A/N: **So... will shirtless Jasper make up for the lack of Edward in the first few chapters? I must placate the readers somehow... (Okay, that's a lie. It's utterly and completely for my own enjoyment. Selfish? Maybe.) There will always be a special place in my heart for that man. I think… maybe… we'll see a lot of him sans shirt, regardless.


	2. Fly High Free Bird

**A/N: **Thank you so much to those who reviewed last chapter, and to those who added the story to alerts and favorites… you have no idea how big that makes me smile. I was walking around like a grinning lunatic all week.

Enjoy! :)

* * *

**If I leave here tomorrow,  
Would you still remember me?  
For I must be traveling on now,**  
'**Cause there's too many places I've gotta see.  
But if I stayed here with you, girl,  
Things just couldn't be the same.**  
'**Cause I'm as free as a bird now,  
And this bird you cannot change. **

**_Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd _**

**x.x.x**

"Peanuts?"

I folded up the giant map I had spread out over my lap and scooped out a handful from the bag Jasper offered me. "Thanks," I smiled. The sun was beaming down on us as we cruised down an empty highway somewhere in southern Utah. We had the windows rolled down, the warm spring wind poured over my face and whipped my hair in my eyes. I let out a long breath and sank back into the worn-out leather seat, letting my eyes flutter closed. If I relaxed enough, it sometimes felt like we were flying. Just Jasper and me: two birds, soaring high about the ground with not a care in the world.

Free Birds, was what I called us. Because of the song, the feeling, and _us. _It was who we were, utterly and completely.

It would always be my favorite song, but for two very different reasons. The first was because to brought me back to a place with a sixteen-year-old Bella lying on a gold comforter in a warm, loving pair of arms, and a boy who insisted he'd never heard a song so magical, or seen a girl so beautiful. It took me back to an entirely different time and place, when my home had been permanent and my life mapped out for me. Simple times; happy times.

I adored that song from the first second I heard it; before I even _truly _listened to it, before I knew what it was really saying. It hadn't meant the same thing to me when I'd first heard it at sixteen as it did now. Back then… I didn't know if it was the song or the moment, but I loved it all, every second of it. And I still did.

And it's funny how that shit works, how you can love something so much without really even knowing _why. _

But after nearly two years of living on the road, it had come to mean something completely different. Like the song had been meant for Jasper and I. I'd never forget that hot summer day, three and a half years ago, when I'd first told Jasper that we were free birds. Because the song had been stuck in my head for days, but I refused to sing it or play it and let it out.

And I could never explain to Jasper just how much the song truly meant to me. Because he wouldn't understand. Because some things you just cant explain in words.

And he didn't know what I was doing the first time I heard it, or the first time I sung it, or the first time I danced to it. And he didn't know about the scrap of paper I'd slipped in a locker the day we left home for good. All the memories, all the good times…

It was the one small piece of me I kept hidden from Jasper. Not because I was afraid of him finding out, no, that wasn't it at all. It just meant too much to me to share with someone else. It was selfish, but it was one small piece he could never have.

The song led to my first tattoo, a lyric tattooed on my ribs in a small, quiet tattoo shop in a small, quiet little town in California. And that tattoo had become a blessing and a curse. I would always have it with me, that piece of my past permanently etched into my skin. But at the same time, I'd always have that reminder – the reminder of the pain and all that I'd lost; the reminder that some things are just better left forgotten. Because some things… some things are just too painful to be remembered.

So I did everything I could to forget.

Jasper let out a long breath from beside me, almost startling me. He scooped up another handful of peanuts and offered them to me again. "I know it's crazy, but I'm so glad to be on the road again," he said, watching me out of the corner of his eye as I shoveled peanuts into my mouth.

"I know," I said after swallowing. I glanced at him quickly and giggled.

"What?"

I shook my head, tossing the rest of the peanuts in my mouth and reaching across the seat for more. Jasper was happiest when we were on the road. Well, maybe _happy _wasn't exactly the best way to put it; Jasper was rarely truly happy these days. But he was most content on the road. And I think that if we could spend all our days cruising down the highway or getting lost on back roads, he'd do it. I'd do it too, to please him.

I did love being on the road. It was exciting; we were free on the road. Nowhere in particular to go, no responsibilities – the world was ours for the taking. We'd drive until we found a cozy little town we could settle down in for a few months, find a place to stay, and get jobs. We'd settled into a comfortable routine, but no two places were ever the same. And that's what I loved most about our way of life. If there were something we didn't like about one place, we'd pack our bags and be gone the next day – or within the hour if the circumstances called for it. And we travelled light: one small suitcase each that held all of our worldly belongings, plus my guitar case. That was it. The bags fit neatly in the trunk of the Mustang, and my guitar took the back seat. We'd leave behind everything that wasn't a necessity and hope it found an owner who truly needed it.

"Where do you want to go?" Jasper asked, pulling his aviators down. He looked over at me, one arm draped over the top of the steering wheel and the other tossing peanuts into his mouth.

"Hmm…" I unfolded the map and leaned back in the seat, resting my bare feet on the dashboard. We never actually used a map for directions, because we never really knew exactly where we wanted to go. It was more of a guide; close your eyes and pick a direction, and that's where we'd head.

"I'm a little sick of the south, to be honest. A couple weeks and it'll be summer, and I know how much you hate working in the heat." I glanced over and he nodded shortly, his eyes not leaving the road. "Let's keep going north from here…" I traced my bitten-down fingernail up the map. "We could go up through Idaho, or Wyoming? We could even go up to Washington from there. I've never been that close to the border, you know. I bet it's beautiful this time of year."

"Sure," he agreed. "We'll head that way, at least. You're right about the summers. So north it is."

"North it is," I repeated with a smile. North was good; north I liked. I loved the green, lush states. I'd seen enough of the prairies to last me a lifetime. I wanted to hike up a mountain, see a bear, swim under a waterfall, get lost in the forest. I always thought being there was like living in a dreamland: all the green and the towering trees that had inhabited the land far before we ever discovered it. And I was born in the northern states; but my mother was always so careful not to disclose the specifics. Apparently my real dad lived somewhere in the north. But I'd given up on finding him long ago.

So on we drove. We sat in comfortable silence the majority of the time, with the windows rolled down and the radio blasting. Sometimes I sung along to the songs I recognized because it made Jasper smile, but mostly I stared out the window. I watched families in the cars next to us, inspecting the small towns as we passed through, or watching the green fields and budding trees, the long, rolling hills disappear behind us. I wanted to take it all in and lock it away in my memory, because everyday on the road I saw things I knew I'd never see again. It never ceased to amazing me how different, yet how much the same the whole country was. Nothing was ever the same in two places; yet somehow it was. All around the country farmers harvested crops, and people got up and went to work after starting their day off with a cup of coffee. Everywhere we went, people took vacations with their families, and kids went to school and wrote exams and complained about homework. People ate supper and played with their dog and watched television and went to bed. It seemed, sometimes, that Jasper and I didn't belong here. Our way of life was far from conventional. So it was reassuring sometimes to meet other people who lived like us. There weren't many, but they were out there somewhere.

As the sun rose higher in the sky, the temperature grew with it. After a few hours Jasper pulled on to the shoulder and took the top off the old Mustang.

He rubbed his stomach as he stretched, gazing up at the clear blue sky. "How much you wanna bet I can catch one of them horses?" he asked, nodding his head to the field just off the highway where a herd of about twenty horses grazed lazily in the green grass.

I felt my eyes widen. "Jasper! You wouldn't."

A mischievous grin curled on his lips.

"Those horses belong to somebody, Jazz. They're in a fence. Besides, you almost got yourself trampled messing around with those wild horses in Colorado."

He rolled his eyes, brushing off my comment. "The horse missed me by a mile," he said, stretching out his arms as far as they would go.

"Try, like, _this_," I held up my pointer finger and thumb less than a quarter inch apart. "What is with your fascination with horses, anyway?"

He shrugged, turning back out to the field. "Dunno. Musta been a cowboy in a past life."

"You were a cowboy in _this _life," I sighed.

"I may have been born in Texas, but that don't make me a cowboy," he drawled, grinning over at me.

I rolled my eyes, settling back into the seat and crossing my arms over my chest in a pout. I didn't have to patience for his stupid games today. "I'm hungry," I whined.

He cast one last longing look into the field before hopping over the side of the car into the drivers seat. He grinned over at me. "Well, how 'bout you let me wrangle ya'll up some eatin's, darlin'."

"Only if you drop the accent."

Now it was his turn to pout. "But it's fun."

"You sound like an idiot."

"I do not."

"You somehow make a Texan accent sound like a British pirate."

He put the car in drive, muttering something under his breath about how at least he didn't sound like a crazy Arizonian.

**x.x.x**

He stopped at the next truck stop, and I bought us club sandwiches and milkshakes with the check I'd cashed this morning.

"It was good of Denyse to give you your money," Jasper commented, popping a ketchup-drenched French-fry into his mouth as he settled back into the red vinyl-covered bench of the booth we sat at.

"Yeah, well, when you're mother's dying of cancer, it's amazing what people will do for you."

"You told her _that_?"

I shrugged. "You didn't give me much time to come up with a better reason for leaving with such short notice. She even gave me a little bonus for being such a _top notch _employee." I rolled my eyes.

Jasper laughed and shook his head. "You know, if your mom were alive, she probably _would _have cancer with the amount of times you've used that one."

I let out a short, bitter laugh. "If my mom were alive, I wouldn't need to use that excuse."

Our laughter died off almost instantly.

"You know, I wish every day of my life that it had been my parents," he said quietly, leaning across the table and placing his hand on top of mine.

"But it wasn't," I whispered, staring down at table as I flipped over my hand and intertwined my fingers with his.

He gave me a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry, Bells."

"Jazz, I know."

He let out a soft breath and reached across the distance separating us, brushing the hair from my cheek. "I love you, you know?" he murmured. "I don't tell you enough, but I don't take you for granted. Without you… I'd have nothing."

"I love you too, Jazz," I said gently. I had the sudden urge to crawl over the table and curl up in his lap, like I used to when we were younger.

He smiled and hummed, squeezing my hand again.

I remembered briefly how I used to think the love I had for Jasper and the love I had for my parents was the same as being _in love. _I'd never realized there were different levels to love, like how you can love two people but in very different ways.

I'm sure that if some alien came to earth, they'd think love is a very simple concept because it's a word we throw around every day. You love a song, you love a TV show, you love a food, an animal, a season… but it's not like the love that you hold for your friends, or your family. And it's nothing, not even close, to the love you have for The One, for the person you're _in love _with.

I loved Jasper, more than anything in the entire world. If he died, I would die. But still, we weren't _in love. _We never were, and we never would be.

I learnt this all when I was fifteen, and I met the one person who taught me what love really was. I'd never been in love before that; and I hadn't been in love since. To be honest, I was beginning to question whether love like that really existed, or if it was some silly fantasy I'd built up in my mind. But then I always remembered the the pain is what made me believe it was all very real. Because for suffering to have such endurance, the loss must have been great. I had my heart broken once, and it was enough for me to pray to a God I didn't even think existed that it would never happen again.

I still remembered very vividly what it was like to be in love. It was the most intense, indescribable emotion I'd ever experienced. Sometimes it was those memories that hurt the most, because it seemed that no amount of time could fade them. Whether I liked to admit it or not, I thought about him everyday. And from time to time I had these dreams – these nightmares, really – that something had happened to him, and I'd wake myself up mid-scream, reaching out for him. Those were the nights that Jazz worried about me the worst.

"Bella, what do you think about Canada?" Jasper's voice broke through my thoughts and looked up at him in confusion. Cocking my head to the side, I shrugged, taken aback by the randomness of his question.

"Um… I think… it's cold, isn't it?"

"Some places it is, I'm sure. I don't think its much different than here."

"Oh. Well Canada's all right, I guess. Never really thought too much about it. Why?"

"Well," he said, a twinkle in his eye as he looked down at me, "I've been thinking lately." He paused.

"About Canada?"

He chuckled. "Well, yeah. And I was thinking maybe this time… this time we head north, and we don't stop 'till we hit the border. And then maybe we find somewhere, somewhere to settle down. We could live in the city, like Vancouver, where we can get jobs, real jobs. You could play at bars there; make a name for yourself if that's what you wanted. You could go to school… Or we could live in a small town on the prairies, or head east, towards Toronto…"

I climbed slowly from his lap as I digested his words. "You want to settle down?" I asked, genuinely shocked.

"Yeah," he said, a small earnest grin on his face. He watched me intently, gauging my reaction.

"We don't have passports."

"We can _get _passports."

But I don't have my bir- " I paused, and he raised his eyebrows. "_Ooooh_," I said, comprehending. I searched his face; just to be sure he was serious. I hated cheating, and that's what this would be. Cheating, lying, escaping. But one small, fleeting thought of a kitchen and a couch and a mattress that truly _belonged _to me, a key to a door that wasn't made of plastic, a closet for my clothes to hang free, and I was sold. I nodded slowly.

"We could have a home, Bella." He took my hand in his, his grey eyes alive in the light.

_Home_. It was such a strange word. It bounced around in my head, rang in my ears. _Home_. I forgot what it was like to have a home. I could have a steady job, a _good _job, and I could make friends and we could find a bar or a coffee shop to hang out at that was _ours, _just like on TV. We could have routines, and a Christmas tree at Christmas and we could have bedrooms… I could have a_ bedroom. _

"_Let's do it_," I said softly, licking my lips, unable to contain my grin. "Let's settle down, Jasper. Let's fucking live somewhere where we don't play a nightly rate… somewhere I know the sheets will be clean and I can fucking cook us a meal."

"Really?" he asked, his face lighting up. "You want to?"

"Yeah, I do," I said, surprising myself with my enthusiasm.

"You won't miss it? The travelling, the road trips -"

"The smelly car? The noisy hotels? The forty-year-old bedspreads? The shitty jobs and even worse pay?" I laughed. "No, I don't think I will miss it."

"All right," Jasper nodded. "Then this is like… our last hurrah. We better make this fucking worth it."

"We will. We always do."

"True."

We were quiet for a moment, as we both began picking at our meals, lost in thought.

"Jasper!" I squealed suddenly, dropping my fork in all the excitement.

"What?" he asked, looking up at me quickly, immediate panic on his face.

I reached out across the table and grabbed his hand, unable to contain my enthusiasm. "I get to go _grocery shopping!"_

He let out a loud laugh, shaking his head. His grey eyes sparkled in the sunlight as he smiled at me "Yup, Bells. You get to go grocery shopping."

**x.x.x**

We stayed at a motel that night that had a pool. It wasn't the Four Seasons by any means, but it was a giant leap from the place we'd stayed at the last couple months. Our bags barely hit the floor before we dug out our bathing suits and dashed out to the pool like two kids racing for the last swing on the playground. We canon-balled in and swam and laughed and splashed until it was dark.

"I've got to say, I still don't think any of these fancy pools beat the swimming hole back home," Jasper noted as we were toweling off.

"Seriously?" I cried. "You'd take that scummy leach infested water over _this_?"

"Sure," he shrugged. "It's where I learned to swim. And no diving board compares to that rope swing. But… the only thing is, I could never do _this!_" He tossed his towel aside and darted over to me in one lightning-fast stride, scooping me up in his arms before I could even blink. "Jasper!" I screeched as he sauntered toward the pool edge. I thrashed in his arms, trying to break free of his iron grip. "Don't you _dare_! Put me down this instant!"

"Put you down?" he cocked an eyebrow as he chuckled at my feeble attempts to fight him off.

"Jasper don't," I gasped.

He laughed. "You were just in there."

"I'm dry now!" I whined.

"Okay, okay." He took a step backwards and began to lower me slowly back to the tile surrounding the pool. I almost sighed in relief – I hated being thrown into water against my will. But then he chuckled softly and lurched forward, throwing the both of us over the ledge and back into the pool. The water was in my mouth and up my nose, and I coughed as I surfaced.

"You ass!" I screeched when I regained some air. I pushed my hair out of my face and saw him treading water about two arm's lengths from me, laughing. I splashed him and turned away, swimming back to the edge. "You're just freakin' _hilarious. _What a _riot_," I muttered.

"Oh, come on!" he cried, unable to hide the laughter in his voice. "You're fine!"

"Luckily." I turned away from and snatched up my towel. Then I spotted his card key for the room sitting on top of his sandals. I grinned to myself as I picked it up and turned back to him.

He was doing lazy backstrokes around the pool. "Hey Jazz, wanna know what would be r_eally_ funny?"

"Hm?" he said, not breaking his stride.

"If I stole this key you left sitting here and beat you upstairs. I think it'd be pretty _hilarious_ if you had to sleep in the car tonight, Whitlock."

"You wouldn't," he called out, unconcerned.

"Why not?"

He let out a laugh and disappeared under the water. When he surfaced, he pushed his blonde curls out of his face and turned to me. "Ah, Bella. Well I'd sleep in the car, no problem. But I'd be willing to bet you'd be joining me in there before too long. Do you really want to sleep without me?"

"'I'd be just fine," I said, pushing out my chin, offended.

He laughed and shook his head, his curls flying free. He swam to the edge and pushed himself up and out of the water. "We'll see," he said simply.

"What makes you so sure?"

"You just need me," he replied, getting to his feet and snatching up his towel from where it sat beside me. I didn't realize I'd been rooted to spot, and now my chance at payback was lost. But I wasn't concerned with that anymore.

"Why?"

"Bells," he sighed. "_Relax. _I was just messing around. And I don't want you up there all by yourself anyway. I'd just go to the front desk and tell them I lost my key. It's a lost cause, so drop it."

"Oookay…" I gave in. He was talking crazy anyway, because I _knew _I could sleep without him there. I'd done it for seventeen years. I was sure I could handle one night sans Jasper Whitlock.

"Ready to go upstairs?" he asked, pulling a t-shirt over his head. The shirt was soaked immediately.

"Sure."

We got back to the room and smoked out on the balcony, and then he let me use the shower first. It was amazing; the shampoo made my usually unmanageable hair soft and silky, and I finally had enough hot water to shave. The towels were fluffy and white, like towels were supposed to be. I couldn't wait to try out the beds. The prospect of a good nights sleep was extremely exciting.

"Jasper!" I cracked the bathroom door open and poked my head around the corner. "How are the beds?"

"Awesome," he replied, but the tone of his voice didn't match his words. I wrapped the towel snugly around my body and crept out of the bathroom. He was sprawled out on his back on his bed, his hands folded behind his head, staring at the ceiling. He still had the pool towel wrapped around his waist with his trunks on underneath. The jeans he'd worn all day were sitting on the bed beside him.

"You're gonna get your mattress wet," I giggled as I watched him.

He didn't crack a smile.

"Everything okay?"

He sat up. He didn't have to reply, I could tell right away; everything was definitely _not _okay. His grey eyes were clouded over; troubled. I watched him carefully and waited for him to make the next move.

"Come here," he said, patting the bed next to him. The way he wouldn't meet my gaze made me anxious. I made my way to him slowly, sitting down beside him with caution. He cleared his throat nervously, and he starting digging around in the pocket of the jeans sitting beside him.

"Bells, I have to confess something," he said softly, glancing over at me. His eyebrows were pulled together warily, and the long, deep crease on his forehead was back. He sighed, then produced a thick cylinder of something and held it out for me. I took it, inspecting it, and it took me a few moments to realize what it was. _Money_. I turned it over in my hands. The outside roll was a fifty-dollar bill. There had to be… _a lot_ in there. I looked back up at him, confused, waiting for an explanation.

He let out a long breath and finally met my gaze. "I… I haven't been completely honest with you."

* * *

**Reviews make me smile more than a bad Texan accent, ya'll ;-)**


	3. The Good Left Undone

_Chapter 3: The Good Left Undone_

**If I knew now  
What I knew then  
I'd back up, do it all again  
I'd take a bow, take it real slow  
Take a ride down that yellow brick road. **

_**Yellow Brick Road – Raine Maida**_

**x.x.x  
**

**Bella. **

I watched him, trying to read his face. But the fact that he wouldn't look me in the eye made this very difficult. The wad of money in my palm felt heavy… like I was holding a tray of drinks instead of the carefully rolled paper bills. I tightened my hand around the money, willing it to disappear. Wanting to erase the sudden uneasiness that had settled deep in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't think of one fucking reason Jasper would hand me this much money and look so absolutely devastated about it. It just didn't make _sense._

Finally, I found my voice.

"Jasper, what's going on?"

He sighed, and ran a hand through his damp hair. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he began speaking. "Yesterday after work at the shop, I'd forgotten my smokes in my coveralls. I went back in to get them and…" he stopped, taking a deep breath. He looked up, his distressed grey eyes meeting mine. "He didn't know I was there… he thought it was just the two of them. But then… I - I saw my boss Tim… he hit his daughter."

I gasped, and my hand automatically shot up to cover my horrified expression. "Amanda? But she's only seven!"

He nodded, and made a noise like he was choking. "I just…and I couldn't _not _do something after I saw that. So I pretended like I hadn't seen anything … and I asked him if he could come take a look at something on the car. When we were alone… I just couldn't stop hitting him, Bells. Something in me just _snapped. _He was still breathing but… I left him there. I went back inside, grabbed a roll of money from the register and dropped his daughter off at home."

"Oh my God, Jasper!"

"I know." He hung his head. "I'm so sorry."

"I just… I don't know what to say." My mind was spinning as I saw Jasper, poor, abused _Jasper _of all people seeing what he saw…

"Did you…?" my voice trailed off, the unasked question hung in the air between us.

He shook his head slowly. "He was alive."

I let out a deep breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"What were you _thinking,_ Jazz? There are other ways to deal with that! You of all people should know." I shook my head and stared at the floor.

"I know." The words sounded strangled, like they'd been caught in his throat. "I feel terrible."

"Beating the man to and inch of his life and _stealing _from him doesn't justify what he did."

"I _know_, Bells!" he cried. "You think I don't know that? I should have called the cops or talked to social services or something but all I saw was a forty-year-old man slap his innocent, beautiful little daughter across the face and I _snapped! _I had to do _something_." He bowed his head, running his hands through his hair again and tugging on the roots. He reminded me so much of someone else in that moment that for a second it knocked the breath out of me. I looked away, trying to erase the images of long careful fingers and unkempt bronze hair from my mind.

Now was _not _the fucking time for this.

Jasper let out an exasperated sigh. "No fucking child deserves that," he muttered. "It didn't solve a fucking thing. He probably got home that night and took his ass beating out on his wife or his daughter. I didn't fix a fucking thing."

"Jazz," I said, pulling myself together and grabbing his face. I pulled it so he was looking at me. "You _can't_ save everybody."

He jerked away from me and stared down at the floor.

"Taking that _money_," he spat the words out like they were diseased, "it was the only way I knew I could really get to him. It's the only thing that fucking monster values in his life."

"How much…?" my voice trailed off as I unclenched my fist and rolled the thick wad around in my hands.

"A little over a thousand," he admitted, his voice sounding tortured. "It's not for us. I didn't take it for us. We have a deal; we earn every cent. But I'm sure someone, somewhere out there needs it more than that fucking scumbag does."

"A thousand dollars?" I repeated, my voice surprisingly indifferent. "What kind of mechanic keeps a thousand dollars in his cash register?"

"He stashes away the money he gets for cash jobs in there."

"Well that's dumb of him."

Jasper let out a strangled laugh. "Yup."

"Do you… do you think he would have called the cops on you?" I asked finally.

He shook his head. "Doubt it. Guys like him; they don't want to get involved with the police. Because cops ask questions. And he doesn't have the right kind of answers."

"All right. Well, I don't know what to tell you, Jazz."

"I know. There's nothing to say," he sighed. "I just needed to tell you."

"Thank you," I said sincerely and he sat up and took my hand in his.

"No secrets," he vowed.

"No secrets," I repeated. Yes, he was stupid for what he did. We both knew better than to try and kid ourselves into believing Jasper was justified in what he did. He lost control – something I could, unfortunately, relate to. Jasper hated fighting; he hated violence in general. He was the last guy I'd expect to ever lay a hand on anybody. So I understood it was for a very good reason. It still didn't make it right.

"Get some rest, Bells," he said, smiling weakly. "You look beat."

At the mention of sleep, I found myself yawning. Travelling always exhausted me.

"See?" he chuckled softly. "Now do I know my girl, or do I know my girl? I'm gonna have a quick shower, I'll be right back."

"Okay," I nodded, and he kissed the top of my head as he stood. "Night, Jazz." I crawled over to my bed, not even bothering to find my pajamas before sliding under the covers and tossing my towel aside.

"Sleep well," was the last thing I heard.

**x.x.x**

Jasper's dad was a mechanic. And when he wasn't drinking, he enjoyed taking his only son out to the garage and passing on his knowledge of anything automotive. It came in handy for us on the road because the Mustang was an unreliable old piece of crap, but Jasper could usually have the up and running again within a few hours. He was meticulous and thorough; a quality that made him a rare catch. His boss's hated seeing him leave. And although Jasper didn't exactly enjoy the work, every town had a mechanic and they were always looking for help. And the pay was three times better than what I made waitressing.

When I first started working, I had been a terrible waitress. I spilled coffee, dropped trays of food, and I forgot parts of orders. My boss's had been patient because I was young, and eventually I picked it up. When you do something for long enough, eventually you get good at it, whether you want to or not. I didn't love what I did either; the hours were terrible, the customers rude, and I went through a pair of shoes a month. But it was what it was. We had to survive, and a regular paycheck was crucial.

My mom had been a kindergarten teacher; my step-dad Phil was a professional baseball player. I obviously couldn't inherit any of Phil's athleticism, and I wasn't around children enough to know if I would have made a good teacher. I didn't know what my real father did. I didn't even know his first name, to be honest. My mom took me away when I was still a baby; I don't even know if my father ever got to hold me. Renee never said she regretted her marriage to my father, but she told me she was young and naive. But she was careful to never call it a mistake around me. She always said the only good thing that came out of that relationship was me. I wasn't allowed to ask questions about my father. I didn't know if he was a bad person, or if he didn't want me, or if Renee and my father just weren't in love anymore. I didn't know anything about him. The only thing I knew that I shared with my father was my last name: I'd been born Isabella Marie Swan and never changed it.

So for the first seven years of my life, it was just Renee and I; we lived in a modest house together in Phoenix, Arizona. Then when I was seven, she met Phil at a folk festival in the park. She had taken me on a sunny Saturday afternoon and I had wandered off somewhere in the crowd, so absorbed by the music to even realize I'd lost her. Renee was racing around in hysterics searching for me. A helpful stranger named Phil helped her finally find me, swaying back and forth to a lady with long, flowing dreadlocks pick away at a sitar. And after Phil finally calmed my mother down, they got to talking, and a beautiful relationship began to blossom that fateful afternoon in the park.

A year later we all moved to a big house in the outskirts of Jacksonville, Florida, where Phil would be playing baseball. I adored Phil; I was his only child, and he was the only father I'd ever know. And he loved my unpredictable, harebrained mother. We were one of those cheesily happy families that many people have given up hope in. And my parents loved Jasper like their own son. That's why it was so easy, so natural for the decision to be made that he would come live with us after his father was thrown in jail and his mother left him. He fit into our cheesy, perfect family with ease. We were happy; too happy. Sometimes I think that's why everything got so messed up. Because I've discovered a person can only have so much happiness in their life.

All good things must end.

**x.x.x**

That night, I had a strange dream. If I did ever dream, I normally didn't remember it. So for me to remember a dream, anything at all, is usually strange enough. And that night, although the dream I had wouldn't be classified as a nightmare, it left me feeling very unsettled when I awoke.

It all started out very normal. Jasper and I were driving down some vacant highway, it was a cloudy day, on the brink of dusk, and I fell asleep in the passenger seat. And in the dream, I was awoken by a _feeling _more than anything else: a feeling of familiarity, of happiness; an unexplainable pull in my chest and a current coursing gently through my body. It was that feeling of comfort that awoke me. And when I looked over at the drivers seat, I saw Jasper had been replaced. But I wasn't startled or frightened. I just looked over and smiled, and He looked back at me with an adorable lopsided grin and winked. Then he took my hand in his, lacing our fingers tightly together and no words were exchanged. It was if it were natural; meant to be. And on we drove, chasing down the most beautiful sunset I'd ever seen.

And I woke up the next morning, still thinking about a pair of mossy green eyes.

And it was unsettling because it wasn't often dreamed about him. But on the rare occasion I did, the dreams were always less than pleasant. I did everything in my power to not think about him. I wouldn't say his name out loud; I couldn't even let myself think his name in my mind. He was nothing but a ghost; a lost memory.

Obviously I was visibly shaken, because when Jasper came and woke me up with breakfast and coffee, he asked me a number of times what was bothering me.

"Jazz, it's nothing, I swear. Just… I must have had a weird dream. I don't even remember it," I lied, staring down at the Styrofoam coffee cup in my hand as I ran my thumb along the edge of the flimsy, plastic lid.

He glanced over at me carefully, picking away at his blueberry muffin. "Swear it's not about what happened last night? I really didn't mean to upset you, Bells." He tossed the piece in his mouth, watching me thoughtfully as he chewed.

"Jazz, I _swear_," I said, looking up, and trying to sound as convincing as possible.

He raised his eyebrows and smirked. "All right." He took a sip of his coffee. And because Jasper wasn't one to pry, he let it go. "So I was checking out the map this morning, and we're just outside of the Idaho border. I think we could definitely make it to Oregon tonight, and I was talking to some lady downstairs and she was telling me about the sand dunes on the ocean there… I really want to check that out. I mean, we've been to California before, but never up to Oregon. I'd love to see them before we stop again; it's supposed to be beautiful. And then we'll head into the mountains. Washington and British Columbia get most of their rain in the winters, so hopefully we missed the majority of it. I know how you love your sunshine," he grinned at me. "So, what do you think?"

I stared at him, shaking my head and trying to process his words. "Um… I think you're pretty chatty for it being so early in the A.M. But yeah, whatever. You driving?"

He laughed. "Well, we _do _want to make it to Oregon today… so yeah, I'll drive."

I rolled my eyes, reaching over and slugging him on the shoulder. "Shut up." Maybe I didn't drive like a maniac, but at least I'd never gotten a speeding ticket.

He cradled his coffee against his chest and laughed, his eyes lighting up. I loved the way they crinkled around the corners when he really, truly was smiling. It was beautiful. But it also made me suspicious.

"What the hell are you so _happy a_bout?"

He shrugged, the smile still not leaving his lips. "Nothing. I don't know. I just have a good feeling about today."

I stared at him accusingly. "Why? Did you wake-and-bake without me?"

He just grinned in response and tossed a piece of his muffin at me.

I growled and shook my head. "You're wasting good food!" I flicked the crumb back toward him. "Jesus, Whitlock, what the hell am I going to do with you? At least try and send some of those good vibes my way, because I have a feeling I'm going to need them today."

"Oooh… is somebody PMS-ing?" he teased.

"Jasper!" I cried, elbowing him hard and dropping my muffin in the process. "Shut up!"

He got to his feet before I could hit him again and laughed all the way to the bathroom.

I just shook my head as I picked my muffin off the floor and checked it for anything suspicious it might have picked up off the carpet. After blowing on it a few times, I decided it was still safe to eat.

He stuck his head out of the bathroom, a toothbrush in his mouth and a layer of foam around his lips. "Ust we weady un ten untes," he called.

I gave him the finger and took a bite of my muffin.

I could still hear him laughing as he spit into the sink and ran the water.

I shook my head.

_Fucking men. _

**x.x.x**

Jasper's good mood lasted all day, and it wore off on me faster that I would have thought. But Jasper was weird like that; it was often difficult to not be affect by his mood. And when we crossed the Oregon border around four o'clock, he was beaming.

"Seriously, Jazz, you're kind of freaking me out," I giggled, sinking down in the seat and glancing sideways at him as he belted out Journeyat the top of his lungs. "Did you pick up an eight ball this morning while I was passed out, or what?"

"Bella," he said, lifting his aviators and narrowing his eyes at me semi-seriously, "Come on. Yeah, I've been secretly doing lines with you sitting right next to me the entire time."

I rolled my eyes, playing along. "Well, you _have _been stopping to go to the bathroom more than usual this trip."

He dropped his sunglasses so the rested back on his nose. His lips twitched as he fought back a grin. "I've been doing that for you."

"…And why exactly would you be doing that for _me_?"

"Because you're on your rag."

I reached over and flicked his ear. "Jasper Whitlock! I am _not _on my fucking rag. My God!"

"Ouch!" he cried, reaching up and rubbing where I hit him. "Did you – did you just _flick me?!_"

I giggled, leaning against the door and folding my arms over my chest as I watched him. "No."

"You _did. _What the hell, woman?"

"Well, quit saying I'm on my goddamn rag! I thought the fucking clerk at the gas station was going to have a coronary when you came running up to me with the box of tampons and announced that very _false _fact to everybody in the store."

He burst out laughing, slapping the steering wheel. When he glanced over at me, he starting laughing harder.

"Jasper! That was _not _funny. I about asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance or something. Her face went _white _when you said that! She had to sit down!"

He rolled his eyes, still chuckling. "That's because it was an old woman, and they like to pretend that doesn't happen to people. And there was only two other people in there!"

"One was like six-years-old!" I cried.

"And she probably had no idea what I was talking about."

"You better hope not," I huffed.

"Or what, _Mom?"_

"Or…" I fumbled for a response.

"That's what I thought," he smirked arrogantly.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "That's it, Jazz. I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day."

He gaped at me, clutching his chest mockingly. "_Oh-no! _Well, good luck with that."

I opened my mouth to make a comeback, but clamped it shut. He laughed at me, shoulder checking quickly and pulling into the oncoming lane to pass a semi. "Oh, Bella," he chuckled, pulling back into our lane. "What would I ever do without you?"

_Let's find out, _I thought to myself. I looked over at him and raised my eyebrows, my mouth still glued shut. Then I fixed my eyes on the highway that stretched out before us to avoid the temptation of talking to the stupid asshat.

He laughed, reaching over to start the Journey song over again and turning it up.

I crossed my arms over my chest and sat there in silence… for _at least_ a good minute and a half.

Then something caught my eye.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, Jazz. Slow down." I reached over blindly to turn down the music and he looked over at me like a little kid who'd just had his candy taken away.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

"Slow down!" I demanded, turning and glancing over my shoulder. "There's a hitchhiker back there."

"So?" he shrugged, but took his foot off the gas.

"Remember the time when he had to hitchhike through Tennessee? And how like a thousand cars drove by before anybody even looked at us? You said that if you ever passed a hitchhiker, you'd pick 'em up. Well, here's your chance. We can't just drive by. It's getting late, and this highway is practically deserted!"

He pressed on the brake. "There's a semi just back there," he pointed out.

I rolled my eyes as the semi went flying past us, blaring his horn. Jasper reached out the window and gave him the finger, yelling obscenities out the window.

"Yeah, because _that's _not going to make this guy think we're crazy," I muttered under my breath, remembering how terrified I'd been to get picked up by the wrong kind of people.

"Huh?" Jasper turned to me, with his arm still stuck out the window, waving the hitchhiker towards us.

I shook my head, watching the guy in my side mirror as he jogged toward us along the dirt shoulder. "Nothing."

"Oh." He nudged me with his free arm. "I see you're talking to me again."

"Only out of necessity," I retorted.

"Uh-huh… Hey if this guy takes us hostage, remember it was your idea."

"Jasper, shut up!"

He laughed and I shoved him half-heartedly. I glanced back nervously in the side mirror. Stupid Jasper and putting his stupid ideas in my head… This was so not the way I wanted to die - on the side of some off the map, deserted highway in who-the-hell-know-where, Oregon. Nobody in the world knew we were out here. Shit, I should of told Denyse the truth, but she thought we were probably half-way back to Jacksonville by now to be with my dying, cancer-riddled mother. I wasn`t even going to get to live long enough to get my very own bedroom like Jasper had promised. Or go on an honest-to-god grocery shopping trip! We would certainty never see Gerry the bartender again. Oh god, this was so not the way I wanted to die.

But suddenly a giant appeared at my window, casting a shadow so large it was as if he`d swallowed up the sun. I started in surprise and drew a sharp breath as I surveyed him, trying not to show the fear on my face although I was surely failing miserably. He was tall, bulky, and had brown curly hair, cropped short. He was looking down at me through clear, baby-blue eyes. His features were boyish, almost, and I was surprised to find myself thinking that he was extremely handsome. His eyes sparkled with light. He ducked down to the car's level, his face breaking into a grin that took over his entire face. I smiled back instantly, and although I was looking into the face of my possible could-be killer, I felt shockingly at ease.

I mean he didn't _look_ like a hijacking murderer… then again, he might have been the friendly kind.

Jasper leaned forward in his seat. "Where you going, brother?" he asked.

The man shrugged, hitching his bag up on his shoulder. "Wherever, man. Where you headed?"

Jasper laughed. "About the same place. Want a ride?"

"Love one." He stepped back so I could open the car door, and I climbed slowly out of my seat to let him in. He stuck out his hand grinned at me.

"I'm Emmett," he said, his large hand swallowing mine.

I took a deep breath, remembering my manners. "Nice to meet you, Emmett. I'm Bella, and this is my friend Jasper."

"Hey, man," Emmett nodded toward Jasper as he climbed in the car. I tried to hold back my laughter as I watched this beast of a man fold into the sorry excuse for a backseat. Somehow, he made it, and he dragged his one bag, which looked like a burlap potato sack, in with him.

"You all right back there?" I asked, putting the seat back and watching as he stretched out sideways, moving my guitar case so he fit better. I felt like maybe I should have at least offered him the front seat, but if he really was going to hold us hostage, I at least wanted the option of a tuck-and-roll. I pulled my seat forward a bit to give the guy some more legroom, feeling slightly better about myself.

"Oh, I'll manage," he grinned cheerfully, relaxing back in the seat. I hopped in and closed the car door, glancing over at Jasper. He winked at me before putting the car back into drive.

"Thank fucking _God_ you guys stopped," Emmett sighed, rubbing his forehead as if slightly distressed. "I thought I was gonna have to spend the night curled up in the ditch. And my x-box was not made to use as a pillow."

"Your _x-box_?" I raised my eyebrow, looking back at him.

He pointed toward his sack of belongings. "I couldn't leave home without my baby."

Jasper and I glanced at each other. "I see…"

If Emmett could detect the sarcasm in my voice, he didn't show it.

"Come on, everybody has that one thing they just can't leave home without."

Instantly, my mind flashed to my guitar, but an x-box just seemed a little… impractical. But hey, no way I was going to judge our future hijacker.

"So where you guys from?"

"Kind of all over the place," I replied, glancing sideways at Jasper. "I'm from Phoenix originally, Jasper's from Houston, but we both grew up together in Florida."

"Whoa, all over the map. You kids are a long way from home. Well, I'm from Idaho. And yes, I grew up on a potato farm."

"That's… not surprising. Your bag kind of gave it away, man. Plus, you look like you've been tossing heavy potato bags around for years." Jasper chuckled, glancing at Emmett in the rear-view mirror.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Now, Idaho," Jasper said, turning to me. "Is that where we ate that shit excuse for pizza? Couldn't even hardly get through a slice before we chucked the whole pie. It was devastating," he says, glancing at Emmett in the mirror.

Emmett nodded, his expression utterly miserable. It was like they were discussing something like war or genocide or the end of the world, and not a topic so trivial as _pizza_. "It's almost impossible to find a good shop 'round my parts. But you should try our onion rings. Killer, bro."

It was close to three and a half years ago now that we did our infamous "West Coast Tour," when basically the only part of the coast we actually saw was in Southern California. But around the same time, we'd spent a couple weeks in Idaho. Jasper could never call a place home if it couldn't make a pizza to meet his high standards. I liked to bug him that this was the reason we moved around so much.

"So what are you doing out on this deserted highway, Emmett from Idaho?" I asked.

Emmett leaned back in the seat and stretched. "Have a craving for some real pizza."

"Well, you've come to the right place. Or at least, a step in the right direction. What's Oregon known for?"

"Trees," Jasper replied.

"And sand," Emmett chuckled. "Lots of sand."

"So… like California?"

"More or less. Just more hippies and less Mexicans," Emmett laughed, shaking his head. "So Oregon, huh?"

"Well, probably just for a few days. We've never been there. And from there we'll head north."

"North to… Canada?" Emmett asked, and I could hear the hope rising in his voice.

I glanced at Jasper, unsure as to how much we really wanted to give away to this stranger. But Jasper seemed unfazed.

"Yeah, eventually."

Emmett was quiet for a moment. A short, short moment. But I was beginning to get the feeling silence was something Emmett was unfamiliar with. "Well… I know it's a lot to ask, seeing as I'm just some random hitchhiker you picked up like five minutes ago, but for as long as you guys will take me, I'll help pay the way. I've got cash, I'm an awesome driver, I've never been arrested, I don't do drugs – well, I smoke weed from time to time but I don't think that shit counts anyway. Besides," he grinned, "I'm sure you guys are cool with that anyway."

"And why would you say that?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, for one, your car kind of reeks of it."

"Our car does _not _reek of pot," I snapped. Jasper burst out laughing from beside me.

"Oh, please, Bella. Like he gives a shit."

"I don't," Emmett chimed in.

"Yeah, but we haven't even-"

Jasper interrupted me by leaning over and popping open the glove box. A zip-lock bag of weed practically fell into my lap, and I could smell it instantly. I rolled my eyes and shoved it back in there, slamming the compartment shut.

"What, don't smoke the herb, Bella?"

"Bella's a flower child, of course she does. She just gets offended if you call her a stoner."

"I am _not _a stoner."

"_Bella_."

"_Jasper_."

"Whatever, Bells."

"No, stoners fucking eat Cheezies and play video games all day."

Emmett laughed and I turned to see him pulling a giant bag of Cheezies out of his bag. Jasper glanced back and joined in on the laughter.

"See, Bella, stoners aren't bad people."

"I'm not saying they _are_. I'm just not one of them."

"You can't deny your roots, Bells."

"Whatever, stoner."

Jasper laughed. "See, and I'm not offended."

"You know, Bella," Emmett said, leaning forward in his seat, "Brad Pitt's a proud stoner. And I'd like to meet one person who doesn't love him. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Stoner's just got a bad rap, that's all. Just 'cause it's not legalized, well fuck that. Don't even get me started on that shit. I'm going to Canada where I can smoke my weed in peace."

"Amen, brother." Jasper reached back and the guys high-fived.

"_That's _why you want to go to Canada?" I cried. "I'm pretty sure it's not actually legal there, guys."

"Yes, but it _is _decriminalized. Anyway, that's just a technicality." Emmett waved his hand in front of his face, brushing it off. "And well, that's not the only reason I'd fucking live it up in Canada. Let's see…" Emmett's face got serious as he thought. "Well if you win the lottery, you don't have to give half of it back. Beer's stronger. They talk funny and it fucking _kills _me. I mean, how can you not be a happy person, walking around listening to everybody said "aboot this chesterfield, eh" with their toques and mullets and hockey jerseys. _And _their fucking money is the sweetest shit. You ever seen it? That shit's blue, purple, green, red… It's like a living and breathing monopoly game! _And _they still answer to the fucking Queen, man! That bitch is hot."

I snorted, shaking my head. "The Queen's just a figurehead. Doesn't mean anything."

"You think the Queen is hot?!" Jasper gaped, completely missing the point.

"Royalty is hot," Emmett shrugged. "So what if she's a hundred-year-old Brit, I'd fucking bone her. Plus, our spawn could be like knights and princesses and shit."

Jasper laughed so hard I was beginning to think he wasn't paying any attention to the road. His body shook with laughter, and I just sat there kind of in shock. "That's fucking _hilarious_."

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't keep the smile off my face. It was always kind of a relief when Jasper liked someone – he could be a pretty hard guy to impress. He normally didn't meet people or make to many friends wherever we went. I think that's one of the things he really liked about our life: he didn't _have _to make new friends. Obviously it was usually easier not to, but his attitude towards it got to be frustrating sometimes.

"So anyone mind if I crack open a road pop?"

I glanced over at Jasper and he shrugged. I grinned, "Only if you share." Emmett reached deep into his bag, pulling out two warm Budweiser's and tossing me one.

Jazz chuckled as he watched us. "X-box, beer…. What else do you have in that magic bag?"

Emmett shrugged. "Only the necessities. Couple pairs of underwear, condoms, smokes… you know."

"Condoms?" Jasper chuckled. "That's a little audacious, don't you think?"

"Hey, you can never be too safe. Besides, the ladies love me. Isn't that right, Bella?" He nudged the back of my seat with his shoulder.

I rolled my eyes as I lit a cigarette. "Totally. You know, we've been in the car together for ten minutes and already I don't know how I've managed to keep myself from jumping your bones."

"It's a curse, really."

"I bet."

Emmett chuckled and stretched, then leaned forward in the seat, glancing between Jasper and I. "So… are you two like a couple or what?"

"No!" we both replied quickly in unison. The looked at each other and laughed.

"All righty, then," Emmett laughed. "Brother and sister?"

"Nope," Jasper replied. "Bella and I have just been very good friends for a long, long time."

"Really?" Emmett seemed surprised.

"Yeah, he's basically my big bro," I said, grinning at Jasper.

"So you've never…"

"No," we both answered quickly.

"…_Never_?"

"Never," I said, twisting in my seat to see Emmett's baffled expression. "Like I said, he's like my brother. So that's… just wrong. Don't even think it."

"Hm. So that means-"

"No," I said quickly, cutting him off.

Emmett grinned. "You don't even know what I was going to say."

"I think I have a pretty good idea."

"Okay, okay," Emmett laughed, holding up his hands defensively. "Sorry. It's just in a man's nature… when there's a beautiful chick around…" He stopped and shook his head, still laughing at himself. Jasper was glaring at him in the rearview mirror. "Please don't kick me out," he chuckled. "I'm sorry. I'll behave, I promise."

I couldn't help but smile. Somehow, I knew he was harmless. He was just a regular, goofy guy we'd picked up on the side of the highway. Which got me thinking…

I twisted around in my seat, facing Emmett as he took a gulp of his beer. "Hey, so what were you doing hitchhiking along a fucking vacant highway, anyways?"

"It wasn't vacant. You guys came along."

"You know what I mean."

Emmett shrugged. "Long story."

"And long story short…?"

He grinned. "Someone's quite the interrogator." He glanced over at Jasper. "Is she always like this?"

"It gets worse."

"_Stop _talking about me like I'm not here, guys. _Fuck. _So I want to get to know the stranger in my backseat. What's the big deal?"

"She's kind of whiney, too, huh?"

"You have no idea."

I reached out and punched them both on the shoulder. "_Shut up." _

Emmett raised his eyebrows, still ignoring me. "Hm. You feel something, man?"

"Yeah, it's like I just got swatted by a kitten. Hm. Weird."

I twisted back around and sank down in my seat and crossed my arms over my chest, glaring at the road stretching out before us. "You guys aren't funny," I muttered.

Jasper chuckled, grabbing arm and squeezing it. "Aw, come on Bells, lighten up."

"Hmph."

Emmett laughed. "This is a pretty pimp ride you got here man," Emmett observed, changing the topic very unsubtly. "What year is this thing? It must be, what, a '68, '69?" He looked around the Mustang in awe.

I choked back my laughter. I never hid my dislike for the Mustang from Jasper. But he always insisted it was a beautiful car, rust spots and all.

"It's a '69. And yes, Bella, you'd be saying the same thing if you knew anything at all about cars."

"What?" Emmett leaned forward, looking at me. "You don't like it?"

I shuddered. "…Not exactly."

"Have you ever driven it?" Emmett asked.

"Yeah, tons of times."

"Over sixty?"

"Uh…" I glanced at Jasper. "Maybe."

"Not," he scoffed.

I looked back at Emmett and shrugged.

"The engine's been almost completely redone," Jasper explained. "It's a beautiful machine. The body needs some work, but I haven't exactly had the time or the spare cash to do much about it."

"Man, I used to work at a body shop. Having cars like this roll in was every man's wet dream!" I looked at Emmett and raised my eyebrows. "Bella, just imagine it, cherry red, chrome trim, new rims, the little horse thing rearing up on the hood. It could be pretty fine."

"It'd be all right," I admitted. "Still doesn't change the fact it'd gotten us stranded out in the middle of freaking nowhere before. I swear to God we walked thirty miles that one day before we even saw another person so we could use their phone. Not to mention it was the middle of summer. It was terrible! I'll always hate this car for that."

Emmett laughed, loud and booming. "Well, I can't change a grudge. But I'd walk a hundred miles for a car like this. And I bet you paid next to nothing for it."

"Pretty much," Jasper smirked.

"Fucking bitch," Emmett chuckled, then I heard him rap his knuckles lightly on my guitar case. "You play?"

Jasper nodded his head in my direction. "It's Bella's."

"_Really_?" Emmett leaned forward in the seat, turning to face me. I watched as he looked me up and down quickly, and my lips twitched as I tried to hold back a grin. "What do you have in there?"

I knew he was testing me. For whatever reason, it was something guys felt they had to do whenever they discovered a member of the opposite sex played guitar. Or probably any instrument for that matter. I was used to it so I really didn't mind.

"It's a Gibson. Hummingbird."

His eyebrows shot up so high I thought they might hit the roof. "Shut up."

"What?" I grinned.

"What year is it?"

"1960."

Emmett opened and closed his mouth a few times, like the words were getting caught in his throat. Then he shook his head and cleared his throat.

"So… you're trying to tell me that a Gibson Hummingbird is just chillin' in the backseat here beside me? A _1960 _Gibson Hummingbird?"

"Yes." I tried not to giggle too hard at his reaction.

"You _do _know what was the first year they ever made the Hummingbirds, don't you?" Emmett looked at me like I'd absolutely lost it.

"Yep."

I watched as Emmett processed this information, his brows pulled together as he glanced back and forth between me and the guitar case wedged in the seat beside him.

"How did you – where did you – don't you…" He finally just shrugged and looked up at me and grinned. "Where the fuck did you get a guitar like that?"

"My mom got it as a gift from my grandfather when she first got married. He was real sick… he couldn't play anymore." It was my grandfather, my mom's father, who had been the real musician. Renee had been his only child, so it was without question that she'd learn to play guitar. She used to laugh when she'd tell me how terrible of a student she'd been. Even as an adult, Renee had the attention span of a puppy. But she'd been good enough to deserve my grandfather's priceless guitar as a wedding gift. And she'd been good enough to catch the eye of my father.

My mom told me once that she and my biological father fell in love over a campfire and that guitar. She played and he was mesmerized. I even found songs that she'd written for him, scribbled on scraps of paper hidden away in the case. I could only imagine how beautiful she must have been; all smiles and laughing. She was _always _laughing. It wasn't hard to see how easy it was for men to fall in love with her. I also didn't think it was a coincidence that it was music that had brought my mom together with both her husbands. Maybe that's why music had always had such a huge impact on my life, too.

The sad thing is that after her and my dad split up, Renee stopped playing. She said the music didn't make her happy anymore. The only time I ever saw her play as a child was when I'd drag the tattered guitar case out of the closet and force her to teach me.

But when she sat me down on her knee and tried to teach me, I could always tell, even through her smiles and patience, that something was bothering her. Something was missing. I knew it brought back too many memories of my father, the memories she wanted to forget.

And that I could understand far too well.

After Jasper and I left, it had taken me a long time to be able to pick up that guitar. But one day I started playing and felt closer to them, somehow. Like I held a part of each of them with me when I held that guitar.

Considering the fact that it was fifty-years old, the guitar was in quite good shape. My grandfather had obviously played it a lot so it was well worn, but the mahogany back and sides were still in quite good condition, no cracks but the odd scratches and peeling wood that to me proved it had been well loved. The only real wear was around the decorative hummingbird design pick guard, but I'd seen brand new guitars with more damage than my Hummingbird. And the range of sounds that came from that guitar was truly incredible; it was soft and sweet and gutsy and loud all at the same time. And it played like a dream.

"That doesn't explain what it's doing here," Emmett pressed.

I shrugged. "Luck." My mom never formally passed the guitar down to me. It was utter and complete luck that I'd decided to tuck it behind my seat that fateful day, five years ago. I'd taken to spending my lunches with Jasper at the shop he worked at down the road from the school, trying to spend the least amount of time possible at that dreaded place. Being at school had become impossible, the classes and the halls and the people were a blur to me. I'd become a zombie, each day my own personal hell**.** But every day at noon Jasper would drag me out of the fog, back into the light.

At least for a little while.

He'd make us sandwiches – tuna for me, ham and cheese for him – and we'd sit on the tailgate of my truck and I'd strum away on the Hummingbird as we ate and talked.

While he distracted me with the talking.

While I distracted him with my playing.

Because I hoped he wouldn't notice the way I had to force the food in my mouth, or the face I made every time I swallowed.

Eating, talking, breathing… they'd all become difficult; unnatural. All food tasted the same, and made me feel sick to the stomach. Every conversation became tired, forced. And breathing… well, breathing just hurt.

We had been two weeks into our ritual when it came to an abrupt end, forces out of our control decided to intervene, twist out lives into pieces and burn the remains.

It all ended faster than it began.

And I'll never forget that last day, sitting in the sunlight with my pant legs rolled up, strumming random cords as I watched Jasper's grease stained hands pick away at his sandwich.

"You still want to go see that movie after work?" he'd asked.

I nodded slowly, not wanting to break my rhythm as I picked softly on the guitar. _Movie. Right. _Jazz wanted to take me out to do something, anything, to try and get my mind of things…

But we both knew it was useless.

"Play me something you wrote," he'd said as he watched me, brushing a blonde curl out of his face.

I looked down at my calloused, bitten-down fingernails as they danced over the strings, almost on their own accord. "Jazz, you know I can't write."

"Bella, I _know _you do. What's the point in lying to me?"

I sighed, pressing my hand to the strings at the body so the music froze, hanging in the air between us. I looked up. "I – I… I just can't, Jazz."

He watched me intently, his face so serious. "We're gonna have to talk about it eventually."

"Why? So you can tell me how right you were?" I shook my head angrily, then muttered, "There's nothing to talk about."

"Bells, you know how badly I didn't want to be right about him -"

"_Bullshit_, Jasper. You hated him – I know that, you know that, _he_ knows that, everybody knows it, Jazz! It's not some big fucking secret." I looked down, running my thumb over the imperfections in the body of the old guitar.

"I'm surprised you weren't in on the bet with the rest of them," I muttered.

"What bet?"

I shook my head. "Never mind."

"Bella." He stepped towards me, grabbing my face in his hand so I was looking at him. "_What. Bet._" he growled.

"Jasper, just leave me the fuck alone, all right!" I cried, jerking away from him and jumping to my feet. I grabbed the guitar and slammed the tailgate shut, my sandwich falling forgotten to the ground.

"I'm here so I _don't _have to think about it, not so you can bring it up every two seconds!"

"Bella, come on!" He grabbed my free arm but I ripped it from his grasp.

"Jasper," I gasped, stumbling backwards, clutching the guitar tightly. I backed away from him, toward the driver's door of my truck. Tears streamed down my face and Jasper stood, rooted in spot, watching me helplessly.

"_You can't protect me from everything_."

And I'll never forget the look on his face. He was so powerless, hurt. Shocked. Because up until that point, he _had _been able to protect me. From everything. Because of him, I didn't know what pain was. And maybe that's why it hurt so goddamn fucking much.

Because I was seventeen, and my best friend had never allowed me to get _hurt. _

And now here I was, broken, betrayed, angry. And in more pain than I ever thought possible.

I placed the guitar back in its case and jumped in the seat of my truck. I slammed the door hard behind me.

"We'll talk about this later, Bella," Jasper said softly. I only heard him because I had my window down. But I stared straight ahead as I put the truck in drive and left him standing in the parking lot.

And we never talked about that conversation again, because when we got home that night, our lives were forever changed.

Because that day, I lost everything, everything except four things that would eventually determine my fate. The first was Jasper, the second that guitar. The third, my truck and the last was my backpack stuffed full of books and notes from school. And stuffed away in a binder in that bag was a drawing; a drawing I still kept with me today. But that was it. That was everything.

I began to realize that there was one way for me to look at that guitar: if _He_ hadn't broken up with me, I wouldn't have been spending my lunches with Jazz down at the shop. I wouldn't have felt the need to distract myself by playing it while he tried to distract me by keeping me talking. If I hadn't needed the guitar with me, it would have been in its case, propped up in the corner of my room I had reserved for it. And it would have been there, in the house, when it burned to the ground.

**x.x.x**

* * *

**A/N: **…And then there were three ;)

Just want to say thank you all so much for reading. I put some links up in profile - the car and the guitar are in there, along with the story banner, and a little manip I made. Check it out if you wish


	4. Revelry

_Chapter 4: Revelry _

**A/N:** So, apparently my pup wanted to say hi this chapter. She got all up on my keyboard while I was editing this beast. She may have been going for my toast, but it sounds cooler to say she had a paw in this. (That's cool and not crazy, right?)

As I submit this, I'm sitting in the studio eating cheesecake. Mmmm. Food photography is the best, yo ;)

* * *

**Are we getting closer,  
Or are we just getting more lost?  
I'll show you mine,  
If you show me yours first.  
Let's compare scars  
I'll tell whose is worse.  
Let's un-write these pages  
And replace them with our own words.**

_**Swing Life Away, Rise Against**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

We pulled into a town called Millican around eight o'clock. It was a sleepy little town, and as far as we could tell there was a main street stretching about three blocks, and then not much else. We got a room at a hotel right on the main drag, a tall blocky brick building with a tavern (yeah, a _tavern_) right next door which appeared to be about the only thing open in town. It was a Friday night, so I knew there was a pretty good chance that there'd be at least a few locals kicking around in there.

We rented one room, which Emmett offered to pay for since we were the kind souls who'd picked his sorry ass up earlier, and neither Jasper nor I declined. Living out of hotels got to be pretty pricey, so if someone was going to offer to pay for us there was no way I was saying no. The room was basic; two double beds, a small black box TV, and a decently clean bathroom with a shower. Oh, and of course there was a brand new, vinyl-covered bible with pages thinner than tissue nestled in the top drawer of the nightstand. _Home. _

Jasper and I took one bed, the one closest to the bathroom and let Emmett have the other. He offered to sleep on the floor, but since he'd paid and all, I took pity on the big guy and told him Jazz and I didn't mind sharing. I planned on getting pass-out drunk later anyway, so it wasn't going too much of an issue. We tossed our bags on the floor, stretched, looked at each other and then all bolted for the door.

I laughed, reaching the door first, and spun around to face Emmett and Jasper. "Bar?"

They both nodded in agreement. "Bar."

"All right. Ummm." I glanced down at my battered shorts and grey tank-top. "On second thought, I'm gonna change quick. I'll meet you down there."

They nodded and headed out, and I opened up my bag and began rifling through it, trying to find a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt. I really needed to get some damn laundry done. I definitely wouldn't make it much farther on the clean clothes I had left. We'd have to stop somewhere tomorrow maybe. Chances were that Jazz would need to wash a load or two as well.

I dug farther into the suitcase where I thought I'd seen a pair of jeans folded up that morning, when my hand brushed a piece of paper. I froze, exhaling slowly. My fingers twitched against their will, wanting to pull it from where it was nestled under a wrinkled t-shirt.

I tried not to look at anymore. It was one of those things burned into my memory, but my memory was never as good as the real thing. There was a time when I'd take it out every night before I went to bed, just unfold it and stare at it, my finger lightly tracing the fading pencil marks sketched on the wrinkled paper. But it soon became one of those things I'd pushed to the back of my mind, never forgotten but always lurking in the shadows, waiting for me to pull it back out. It was just too fucking hard to look at anymore. Maybe I still hadn't come to face the fact that I'd never see the artist whose long and careful fingers had meticulously crafted the picture before my eyes. I shook my head. No, I only saw _him _in my dreams anymore, and even now those dreams were few, my memory of him fading with the time.

Last night was the exception – it was the most tangible dream I'd had of him in a long time. I could _feel _his presence on my skin. But it had been a mistake; a dream and nothing more.

I forced myself to move past it, and finally found a decently clean pair of old blue jeans folded up in the bottom of my suitcase and I freed them, along with an old Rolling Stones concert shirt. The shirt had been my mom's, from when she went to their "reunion" tour in '88. It's fabric was thinning, the colors faded but it was my most comfortable shirt, and my favorite.

I brushed out my hair and rushed out of the room before I could stop myself, my urge to just pull out that stupid drawing and stare at it for the rest of the night growing with each step. I knew it was going to be a fucking good night to drink. Alcohol had always been my friend, buffering my painful past from the present.

A warm evening breeze ruffled my hair as I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans and walked the few steps down the cracked sidewalk to the tavern, reflecting on what a bizarre day it had been. I wondered briefly if Jazz and I were far too trusting to allow a man we'd met only hours ago share a hotel room with us in an unfamiliar little town. Maybe trusting wasn't the right word – perhaps it was more like crazy. Then again, it wasn't the first time I'd questioned our sanity. In fact, it was something I often did on a daily basis. And crazy people didn't question their sanity, did they?

And Emmett hadn't taken us hostage – not yet. And we really had nothing of value he could take from us, not that I had any reason to believe he would. But… maybe I'd sleep with my guitar tonight, just to be safe. I smiled to myself as I wondered what Jasper would say when he was forced to spoon with the Hummingbird.

There were a few people milling about on the street outside the door smoking. I pulled open the heavy door to the bar and smiled at the man inside the door who checked my ID and spotted Emmett and Jasper at a table off to the side of the cramped room.

"About fucking time, Jasper was about to send a rescue crew up," Emmett said as I took a seat. There was a few people scattered around, but it definitely wasn't too busy for a Friday night – unless this was what they considered busy.

"Oh shut up, I'm a big girl," I replied, looking down to see Jasper had already ordered me a drink. "Besides, a lady had to look presentable for her handsome men," I said, laying it on thick.

"Mmm, yes. I see you tried very hard too," Emmett chuckled, eyeing me sarcastically.

"Yeah, well, it's kind of my thing," I shrugged.

"Well it's working for you. Eddie Woodstock over there has been eye-fucking you ever since you stepped foot in here."

I grinned and followed Emmett's gaze to the darkener corner, where a tall, thin man was seated in a booth in the shadows, his eyes on our table. His had long, scraggly dark hair reaching down toward the middle of the back, and his face looked like he'd seen better days.

"That dude's pretty creepy. He's all like… Aragon, or Strider, in the Fellowship."

"Of the Ring?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, Fellowship of the Sun," he said sarcastically. "Yes, of course Of the Ring. You know, at the Prancing Pony."

I rolled my eyes at his snark, but shook my head. "No way," I said firmly. "Aragon's all like, _ah I'm a self-sacrificing king with a broken heart and I have to babysit three incompetent midgets._ He's, like, all brooding and sexy and whatnot. That dude just looks like walked in a metal pole on his way over here."

"Ah, a match made in heaven," Jasper sighed, obviously referring to my less than stellar coordination.

"I've never walked into a pole," I objected.

Jasper just eyed me.

"Okay, that was _once_. Besides, you were distracting me and it didn't hurt that bad."

"You bled."

"That's because it was cold!"

"What does the weather have to do with it?"

"Metal hurts more when it's cold," I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest.

"You know this… from experience?" Emmett asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Bella's very clumsy," Jazz explained.

Emmett let out a loud laugh. "Oh, you're going to be fun."

"I guess, if you're the kind of person to relish in other people's pain."

"It's easier for me to laugh at somebody else's pain than mine. Because when I'm in pain… it hurts."

"_Really?" _I growled sarcastically, turning away from the guys. I had a feeling this whole 'ganging up on Bella' was going to become a thing. Not cool. I stared across the bar, attempting to ignore them as they laughed.

"Bella, you're going to absolutely love our waitress," Jasper grinned, nudging me under the table.

I glanced over at him quickly, my eyes still narrowed. "Please don't tell me she was throwing herself at you guys," I groaned.

"She was almost literally drooling all over Emmett's lap. It was actually slightly disturbing."

"No way, man, that bitch was fucking drooling over both of us. I'm sure she wouldn't say no to a two for one deal. She wants me more, obviously, but I'm sure she wouldn't say no to the both of us."

"Yeah, well I don't exactly swing that way," Jasper said, shaking his head.

"What, straight?"

"No, threesomes. With another dude. Not for me."

I glanced at Emmett. "You'd have a threesome with another dude?"

"_Hell _no. There are enough women in this world; I don't need to fucking have sex with a dude there just to get laid. I was just sayin'."

I grinned mischievously. "Well, good to know where you both stand."

"Bella, you would not," Jasper said, rolling his eyes at me.

"No?" I said, raising an eyebrow. "Why not? If the right opportunity arose… two's gotta be better than one, so why not?"

"Well you are the promiscuous one, so I suppose you'd know."

I laughed. I hadn't had a guy in a while, and Jasper knew it. It was a personal choice more often than not; our lifestyle didn't exactly allow room for any sort of solid relationships with members of the opposite sex. And I was sick of the monotonous, meaningless one-night stands. For a while, it had helped to fill the emptiness I sometimes felt, our life could be lonely at times, and sex was always guaranteed to take my mind off life. But the morning after, everything always came tumbling back down, the reality of who I'd had and who I'd _never _have crashed down around me. Eventually I decided it wasn't worth it. And I'd never actually found a guy I liked or wanted to spend any real time with, so I strayed away from that now.

I'd always wondered what would have happened had Jasper or I actually fallen in love with someone. It hadn't happened yet, and now that we were finally had our eye on settling down somewhere, it would never be an issue. Unless, of course, Jasper and I happened to stumble upon our soul mates somewhere between here and the Canadian border, and that idea was almost laughable. I hadn't found him in the five years I'd been traveling the country, so I knew there was no way he'd appear somewhere in the next few weeks. Besides, I'd pretty much convinced myself there really was no one out there for me. No one _else_, that is.

I sighed deeply. I really, really needed to give up on that.

"I think we all need to get to know each other better," Emmett declared. "Especially if we'll be traveling together."

"Yeah," I said, turning to him. _Like so I knew where to track your sorry ass down if you nab my guitar in the middle of the night. _"So what were you doing on the side of the highway today?"

"But _first_, we should get another round," he said, completely ignoring my question. I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest.

"This isn't going to work if you keep dodging my questions."

Emmett grinned as he waved down the waitress. "All in due time, Bella."

"Hey, fellas. Refill already?"

I looked up, shocked at the extraordinarily prompt service. Then I saw our server, a short, cute blonde girl, I could see her doing the math as she eyed up the boys. I rolled my eyes as she bounced back between Jasper and Emmett.

_That's right, sweetheart, two guys one girl. One of them must be single._ Or, in this case, both. I hated girls like that: always on the look out, always on the hunt. But that's not how you find love; that shit finds you.

"Yes, please," Emmett signaled to his empty bottle of beer. "And how about three shots of tequila?"

I wrinkled my nose. "Tequila? Really?"

Emmett looked over at me and grinned. "Oh, don't be such a baby, Bella."

I rolled my eyes and made a face.

"How about you, sweetheart? Can I get you another?"

I looked up at the server, trying to hide the disgust on my face. "Well I'll need something to wash the piss down with, I suppose." I shrugged.

She looked confused for a moment and then just nodded, turning to Jasper. "And another Jack and Coke for you?"

"Yeah, sure," Jasper replied, watching me, and I could tell he was fighting back a laugh.

"Oh, and grab a shot for yourself, you if you'd like darlin'," Emmett winked as the girl backed away from the table.

"Ugh," I shivered with disgust, as she disappeared behind the bar.

"You don't make a lot of girl friends, do you Bella?" Emmett asked, watching me thoughtfully.

I shrugged. "Umm… no, I guess not really. Why?"

Him and Jasper both began laughing. "No reason."

"Ooookay," I said slowly, looking between the two of them wondering if they'd lost their minds. "So, game time?"

"Yeah, why not. All right, let's see… so, I already you guys grew up in Florida. How old are you?"

"I'm twenty-two, Jazz is twenty-four," I answered, swallowing a sip of my drink.

Emmett nodded. "Okay, now would be your turn to ask a question."

"How old are you?" Jasper asked just as I opened my mouth to ask Emmett the question that had been on my mind all evening. It wasn't even that I cared that much, but his evasiveness was pissing me off and making me curious as hell.

"I'm twenty-three." Emmett rubbed his face as he thought. "When was the last time you guys were home?"

"Five years ago. Why were you hitchhiking?" I asked quickly before Jasper could cut me off. Jazz just looked over at me and laughed. I stuck my tongue out at him and turned back to Emmett.

"Whoa! _Five years_? Really? Where else have you lived?"

"Ah, ah, ah. It's our turn to ask the question," I reminded him as I chewed an ice cube.

Emmett crossed his arms grumpily over his chest. "Fine. Well, I was hitchhiking because I sold my car three days ago."

"Why did you -" I began, but Emmett held up his hand to stop me.

"My question. Where have you guys been living for the past five years?"

I glanced at Jasper. "Everywhere," he answered with a shrug. The waitress showed up with our tray of drinks and we paused the game to do our shots, which went down just as terribly as I was expecting. I shivered, finishing my first drink as I washed it down, trying to get the terrible taste out of my mouth.

Emmett thanked the waitress and then turned back to Jasper and I. "Everywhere? Geez, be _more_ vague, please."

Jasper chuckled. "Well, we left Jacksonville five years ago, and after that we lived in Pickerville, Missouri for about six months, got bored of that and then went to North Dakota?" He glanced at me for confirmation.

"We were there for four months, I believe," I nodded. "And basically, we've been living like that ever since, traveling every few months when one place gets too boring, or we start hating our jobs too much, or when one of us breaks the law." Jasper grinned at the last part, kicking me under the table with his boot. I winced, reaching down to rub my shin. That was going to bruise, the dickwad.

"Wow," Emmett exhaled. "That's… nuts."

Jazz nodded. "Well, it's the only way we really know anymore. So, because I know Bella's dying to know, why did you sell your car?"

"Needed them money," Emmett shrugged, swallowing a sip of his beer. "I mean, I didn't _have _to sell it, but I didn't really want to take any money out of my bank account, because my parents can track that shit, so I figured why the hell not? I had a good feeling about it, and I got a good deal. Couldn't go wrong."

"Except… you had to hitchhike."

"Yeah. But then I met you guys. So it all worked out."

I let out a breath, raising my eyebrows. Yeah, Jasper and I lived impulsively, but I couldn't imagine doing anything like selling the car and hoping it would all fall into place.

Emmett shrugged. "Anyway, so… why the fuck did you guys leave town? Isn't your family worried about you and shit?"

I sighed, glancing at Jasper, hoping he'd take this one.

"Well, Bella and I are both only children; my dad's in jail and I truly have no fucking clue where my mom is – probably dead, or living in Mexico with seven kids, or something equally fucked up. Anyway, my parents don't give a fuck about me. I moved in with Bella's family when I was seventeen**.** Then when Bella was a senior, our house burned down and Bella's parents passed away in the fire. A few weeks later, we left town. There was nothing left for us there."

"Wow… That's heavy, bro. And I thought I had problems."

"Everybody has problems," I half-smiled, taking a long sip of my drink.

"Cheers," Emmett said, raising his beer. Jasper and I clinked our glasses to his and took another drink.

"All right," I swallowed, "So, you don't want your parents to be able to track you. So what, are you like a runaway or something?"

Emmett chuckled. "Not exactly. My parents are pretty powerful people."

"I thought you were a potato farmer," Jasper interrupted.

Emmett held up his hand. "Yeah, well, we grow powerful potatoes." I could tell, instantly, that he was lying. "Anyway, I didn't run away… I just kind of _left_. Without telling them where I was going."

"So you ran away."

"Naw… that sounds so juvenile. I'm fucking twenty-three years old. People my age don't run away."

"If you say so."

"I do," he said, puffing out his chest indignantly. "So… you guys ever think about stopping, settling down somewhere?"

Jasper and I looked at each other. "Canada," we answered simultaneously.

Emmett paused, his face breaking out into a huge grin. "Man, I love you guys. You know I'm not really a big believer in fate, but something fucking tells me like this was meant to happen."

"Maybe it was," I shrugged, playing with a label of his empty beer bottle. "Some things _are_ meant to be."

"Naw, fuck that. Nothing's meant to be."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, for one, it scares the fuck out of me to believe that we don't have free will. Like, I know that we do, but if it's all meant to be, than what's the fucking point? Everything we do will lead us to where we're supposed to be anyway. I just don't like that thought that my life's all fucking mapped out, you know? That's when people give up on life, when they decide fate exists and all that shit. You gotta take hold of the drivers seat, man, you can't just sit there and watch your life pass you by, hoping everything will fall into place for you. I want to be able to decide what happens."

"Well, you _do_, that's the point. Like, you make the decisions that take you to where you're supposed to be. I think that's what happiness is – knowing you're on the right path."

"No way," Emmett argued. "I'd fucking be happy no matter what I was doing. If I were in school, or travelling the word, or working some shitty-ass job, or even still back at my parents, I'd be fucking happy. I'd find a way to be happy; I always do."

"But it's not the same," I said. "You should have to _try_ to be happy. You should just fucking _be _happy."

Emmett shrugged. "I don't know, I think we always try and make happiness, no matter how happy or unhappy we already are. Why the fuck else do we drink?"

I sat back and laughed.

"The man has a point," Jasper said, lifting his glass and tilting it toward me before bringing it to his lips.

"Yeah, but still," I argued, shaking my head, still smiling. "You made the choice to leave home. Because you obviously weren't happy there. You even went as far as selling your car so they wouldn't find you, so don't try and tell me you'd make happiness out of that situation, because we both know it wouldn't be real. And what if those decisions are bringing you somewhere good, somewhere you're meant to be. Like, to your dream job or your dream girl."

"Ah, I fucking _hope _it's taking me to my dream girl. I'm fucking ready for her to walk into my life any instant."

"Well then, maybe she's here somewhere."

Emmett scoffed, glancing across the bar to where our waitress was busy putting away glasses. "I don't think so, _sweetheart_."

I rolled my eyes.

"Besides, I don't believe in 'The One.'"

"No?"

"Naw. There's _waaaay_ too many fuckable chicks out there to pick just one."

I kicked him under the table. "Ow! Jesus, woman, that fucking hurts."

"Yeah, well don't be a prick," I shrugged, taking a sip of my drink.

"Whatever. This conversation is getting way too philosophical for me anyway," Emmett said, shaking his head at me. "Who's fucking turn is it, anyway?"

"Ours," I answered, even though I wasn't even sure anymore.

Emmett nodded for us to go, swallowing a mouthful of beer.

"All right," Jasper said, leaning back in his chair, "You said you worked in a body shop. Is that what you've been doing for work since graduation?"

Emmett shook his head, "No, I worked at a body shop for about a year… well, year and a half, I suppose. But after graduation, I did some travelling and then mostly worked for my dad when he really needed me, and did odd jobs when he didn't need my help. But what about you guys? What do you do for work?"

"Bella usually works in a diner, waitressing, and I'm a mechanic."

"Well that's handy, since you do so much travelling," Emmett grinned.

"Especially when you drive a piece of shit car," I said. Both the boys turned their heads very slowly and glared at me.

"Never. Call. Her. That." Emmett said, narrowing his eyes. "Wow, you really do know nothing about cars, huh? It's a shame, I was starting to like you."

I reached across the table and slugged him. "You like this town, Emmett? Because we can always just leave you here."

"_Christ_ woman. You are fucking abusive. And, please, you love me too much already to leave me here. Besides, we're going to Canada bitches!"

I rolled my eyes. "Well, _we_ are. We'll see if you make it the whole way."

"I bet Jasper would rather take me than you. At least I don't _punch _him all the goddamn time."

"Hey kids, play nice," Jasper broke in. "We have a lot of hours to be spending together in the next few days for you guys to be picking fights."

"I wasn't picking a fight," I huffed, sitting back in my chair and crossing my arms.

"Me neither," Emmett said, mimicking my actions. I stuck my tongue out at him. He made a face back at me.

"Anyway…" Jasper said, looking between the two of us with a smile. "Back to the game. Emmett, what kind of car did you drive? The one you sold."

Emmett's face fell. "An '01 Camaro."

Jasper's jaw dropped open. "You're kidding me."

"Nope," Emmett said, popping the 'p'.

"And you sold it."

"Yep."

"Wow… you must really hate your parents."

"Yeah." Emmett nodded.

"That's sad."

"Yeah, well she found a good home. I hope."

I opened my mouth to remind the guys that it was just a car, but thought better of it and stopped myself just in time. "You – uh, your turn, Emmett."

"All right." He seemed sadder; thinking about his long lost car, Camaro, whatever. But he sat forward in his seat, taking another pull of his beer as he thought. "Hmm… so, do you guys honestly work for all your money, or do you snatch a couple unwatched purses every once in a while? I mean, living out of hotels, that's gotta get fucking expensive."

"Well," Jasper began, "We've always believed that we should earn every cent we have. Other people shouldn't have to suffer because of our chosen lifestyle. That's not to say that it's not tough – we live paycheque to paycheque. But, there are nights where we can't find a place to stay, or we can't afford a place to stay, and have to sleep in the car. It's not so bad after you've done it a few times."

"The worst part is not having a bathroom," I added.

"Yeah, it's gotta be hard for you to pull off this look without a mirror," Emmett smirked, gesturing to my appearance. I narrowed my eyes and flipped him off, and he flinched as if he was expecting me to hit him again. I grinned victoriously and leaned back in my chair.

Jasper chuckled. "A lot of the places we stay at will actually give us a monthly rate, if we pay upfront. I mean, the places we stay usually don't get a lot of traffic, so they welcome us. Still, it's tough."

"So do you just drive until you find somewhere you want to stop? Or do you have a set destination in mind?" Emmett asked.

"Usually just drive until something stops us."

"Hey! That was out of turn!" I objected.

"Oh, relax and drink, woman," Emmett said, poking me.

I looked down at my empty glass. "I need another round. Um, I'll go get them." I stood up quickly; I did not feel like sitting here while the waitress salivated all over the boys again.

"Tell Jenna I say hi," Emmett grinned. I rolled my eyes, not surprised at all that he already knew her name.

"Will do," I muttered.

I took a side-trip to the bathroom and then ordered our drinks, downing a shot of Jagermeister at the bar and then got three more to bring back to the table. I could already feel the alcohol working its way in my system, warming my stomach and my chest, everything around me already feeling slightly hazy. I welcomed the feeling; basked in it, even. I wasn't an alcoholic by any means, but I was twenty-two and sometimes just needed an escape from real life. Even if that escape was short-lived and usually came with unwelcome consequences.

When I got back to the table, Jasper had Emmett talking about his Camaro again, about how much he loved that car, but how his true dream car was a brand new Camaro SS. I placed their drinks in front of them, trying to block out the conversation. They may as well have been speaking in a foreign language – I didn't understand a fucking word of it.

"Thanks, Bells. Oh, Jag! Hmm, maybe I have found my dream girl after all," Emmett exclaimed, plucking a shot off the table and grinning at me.

"Oh, please," I rolled my eyes. "I highly doubt that your dream girl is _Car and Driver_ illiterate."

"Well, you have all the time in the world to learn, sweet cheeks," he grinned, throwing back the shot.

I turned to Jasper. "Won't you please knock him out?"

"Naw," Jazz grinned lazily, "I'm enjoying this far too much."

"Where's my overprotective best friend when I need him?" I grumbled, taking my shot.

Apparently just one shot of Jagermeister wasn't enough to pacify Emmett, because he immediately ordered another round of shots. And by the time I'd thrown the second – well, third, for me – shot back, I was really starting to feel it. Our game was kind of winding down, so I cleared my throat and turned to the guys.

"All right. Favorite song, go."

"Right now, or all time?"

"Both, I guess."

Emmett leaned back in his chair as he thought. "Ummm… well lately I've been listening to a lot of Maiden, and my favorite would probably be _Aces High._ But all time_, Cat's in the Cradle_ by Ugly Kid Joe takes the cake, for sure."

I was a little surprised by his response, but turned to my right. "Jasper?"

"Mellancamp, _Jack and Diane_. And right now… I don't know man, _Don't Stop Believing_ sounded pretty fucking good to me this afternoon."

Emmett reached over and high-fived Jasper. "Classic, bro."

They both turned to me. I stirred my drink, furrowing my brow as I thought. "Ugh… this is hard."

"It was your question."

"Yeah, it's harder than I thought, though. Well, all-time favorite is _Free Bird_, no question."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Obviously."

"And right now," I continued, eyeing Jasper, "I've been digging some 311. So... maybe _Amber_..."

"Total stoner song."

I shot a glare at Emmett. "Or maybe _Got Me Wrong _by Alice in Chains… or anything by Kings of Leon." I blew out a breath. "I guess… I don't know, I don't really have _one_ favorite song. Oh, or _Hallelujah_ by Jeff Buckley... or any Def Leppard." I looked up at them groaning, "I can't pick one!"

"Fucking women," Emmett chuckled, shaking his head, "Never can make a fucking decision."

"Well, not when it comes to music. That shit is serious," I said.

"Yeah, well, at least you have decent taste in tunes. I mean, _Free Bird_ is an epic song. I had a buddy back home who could kill that song on the guitar."

"I can play it," I grinned proudly.

"For true?"

"Yup."

"Dream girl."

"Oh, Emmett, you wish."

"I _do_."

I giggled reached out, squeezing his hand, "You'll find her."

"You're setting the bar pretty high, Swan. Anyway, we need more shots or something because I am far too fucking sober for this."

"Deal."

So the guys waved down the waitress, and ordered _another_ round of drinks, followed by another fucking shot of tequila. I was tempted to opt out of this round, but didn't want to look like too big of a wuss in front of the guys. So instead I held my breath and tried to swallow that disgusting shit as quickly as fucking possible. It still made me gag on the way down, though.

I just didn't understand how people enjoyed drinking that shit.

So we lounged around, taking the occasional smoke break, as we got more and more plastered, laughed and sang and even did a little dancing between the chatting. I was beginning to really like Emmett – not in _that _way – but he was just such a fucking fun dude. And he had some kind of talent for taking every single situation and turning it into something absolutely hilarious. Besides, he made me look like a good dancer, and anyone who did that was pretty damn solid in my books.

After a while, Jasper decided to turn in, claiming to be "road-weary", and did one more shot with us before heading up to the hotel room.

I grinned as I watched his form retreating out of the bar, and stumble out the door. "Jasper's drunk," I giggled, turning to Emmett.

"He's a fucking lightweight."

"He's half your size. And he was drinking doubles."

"Fucking pussy."

Emmett and I paused, grinning at each other.

"So," he said finally, breaking eye contact when he looked down at his beer. "How did you and Jasper meet?"

I shook my head and looked down as I told him the whole embarrassing story about my awful haircut and the teasing that ensued, and how Jasper had stepped in and saved me, and how the rest was history.

"Well, that's fucking noble of him."

"Yeah, Jasper's like that. I think he's been through so much suffering that he can't stand seeing anyone else go through that."

Emmett nodded, "He seems like a real stand-up dude, if you ask me."

"Yeah, he's alright," I giggled.

"It's impressive that you guys remained so close over the years. I mean, usually it's hard for a guy and a girl to be just friends through their teenage years especially."

"Jasper and I just never felt that way about each other."

"Yeah, but what about other people getting in between the two of you? I mean, didn't he ever have a girlfriend? Or you have a boyfriend?"

I looked down at my drink, shifting uncomfortably. "Yeah, I mean, we both dated… it was hard, at times. His girlfriends would get so jealous when he'd spend time with me. But I dunno, for whatever reason, he always chose me over them." It _had _been really hard when Jasper dated; his girlfriends always despised me. They had the hardest time understanding our relationship. He got accused of cheating on them so many times I honestly lost count. Most people automatically assumed that we were banging, just because we spent so much time together. Eventually though, he learnt to ignore the rumors. Because that's just what they were: rumors.

"Lucky you got such a loyal friend. No offense, but if I had to choose between one girl who was willing to suck my dick, and another who was just my friend, I'd pick the one who's putting out. I think most guys would. He's not gay, is he?"

I let out a loud laugh, my drink halfway to my mouth. I spilt some of it on the table, wiping it up with my arm. "No. No, he's not gay."

"Umm, sure. I guess."

Emmett shook his head, letting out a long breath. "I still can't believe that you guys have been living like this for five fucking years. Christ, don't you just ever get at each other's throats?"

"Sometimes," I giggled. "I mean, Jasper and I have our differences. But there's just something… I don't know. I can go to bed hating his guts, but when I wake up in the morning, I know that life just wouldn't be the same without him. I don't want a life that doesn't include him."

Emmett just stared at me.

"I'm drunk, I know," I said, feeling uncomfortable. "I ramble."

"No, it's cool. It's just… I can't imagine feeling that way about someone. That's fucking intense. And sappy as shit, I'm not going to lie."

I made a face. "Yeah, well, one day you'll find your person to be all intense and sappy about."

"Doubts."

"Hey, you never know." I raised my eyebrows. "Anyway, enough fucking talk about soul mates and shit."

"Were we talking about soul mates?"

I shook my head, laughing. "I don't know."

"What, is Jasper your soul mate?"

I scrunched up my face. "I don't know… I don't know if I really believe in soul mates."

"So what," Emmett said, leaning forward and taking a sip of his beer, "You fucking believe in fate, but you don't believe in soul mates? Isn't that like the same fucking thing?"

"Yeah, well… I guess maybe I believe in them, sort of." I shrugged. "I don't know. I used to, and I don't know if Jasper is mine. I mean… he's definitely not romantically, and I don't know if everybody had two soul mates, one best friend and one love… fuck, I don't know. " I shook my head, trying to clear the drunk haze from my brain so I could form the words I wanted to say. I took a breath.

"I think I believe that there is one person out there for everybody… and I think you kind of just fucking find each other. It's not something you have to search for, because that shit pisses me off. Looking for love," I scoffed, "That gets you nowhere. Love finds you."

"You really believe that, though? So, if I were a fucking hermit, sat around my house all fucking day, you really think the right girl would really come knocking randomly one day at my door."

"I don't know… would you order pizza?"

"What the fuck does pizza have to do with this?"

I laughed. "I mean, maybe one day you order pizza. And she's the delivery girl. There's a fucking million ways to run into that person."

"I don't know if hermits get delivery."

"Well, they have to get food somehow," I pointed out.

Emmett shrugged, laughing. "Fuck, don't they just hunt of some shit? But whatever. So you guys just… what? Peaced it outta town after graduation or some shit? Is it something you always planned on?"

"No," I said, shaking my head slowly. "We left before I finished my senior year. I guess I technically never graduated, or whatever. But some shit happened in our life… and it was just the best decision for us to leave-"

"You parents died," Emmett interrupted.

I nodded in confirmation. "Yeah… We didn't have anything left, and there were a lot of things we both didn't want to live with…. A lot of reminders of things we both needed to forget. Anyway, we left and haven't looked back. I never, ever would have predicted that this is what our lives would become.

"Jasper is a fucking free spirit. I'm more of a tag-along I suppose, as lame as that sounds. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm _happy_, I love what we do… but if you would have asked me when I was sixteen where I thought I'd be when I was twenty-two... Well, this wouldn't be it. But it's fine, I love it."

Emmett raised his eyebrows. "Do you know that you sound like you're trying to convince me?"

"Do I?"

"Yeah."

I half-smiled. "Well, I don't mean for it to sound that way. I just… I don't know, sometimes I just stop and think, what the fuck am I doing with my life? I don't know… it's great that we have this master plan to go to Canada and settle down, but part of me doesn't know what the fuck to _do _when we do stop."

"What do you mean?"

I let out a short breath, blowing away a piece of hair that had fallen in my face. "Well, I don't want to be a waitress forever."

"So don't be a waitress."

I laughed bitterly. "Emmett, how do you manage to make everything sound so fucking easy?"

"Because it _is_," he insisted. "Life's life, dude. Everybody takes like so goddamn seriously, and it pisses the hell out of me! I mean, we're not here for that long. This shit… the stress… It's not fucking worth it. Everybody's so caught up in the game of life they forget what it's really all about! I'm here for a good time. If you're unhappy with something, fucking change it. If you don't got a lot of money, fuck it. I'm here for the people… the experiences, because that's the shit I'm gonna remember. That's the last thing I'll see when it's my time to go. Not whether or not I made my last car payment on time, or if I had a fucking load of cash in the bank, or if I had the biggest TV money could buy… When it comes down to it, none of that shit matters. I'm gonna remember the first time I saw my niece smile, and the crazy shit I did in Thailand the year after I graduated, and drinking on the school roof Friday nights, fucking Cassidy Heath on the fifty-yard line junior year, and the time I hitchhiked in Oregon and then sat at a fucking random-ass bar in the middle of shit-fuck-_nowhere _with two fucking strangers and got shitfaced… _That's_ the shit that matters. Life is too fucking short to take too seriously."

I was silent as I digested his words, then smiled and raised my glass. Emmett clinked his bottle against it.

"You're right," I sighed after a long drink. "And you sound like Jasper, by the way."

Emmett chuckled. "Jasper's a smart man."

"He likes to think he is," I said, rolling my eyes.

"No, he _is_. I know I sound like a total fucking psychopath to you right now, but seriously Bella, live in the fucking moment. Like Neil Young would say: _it's better to burn out than fade away_. Carpe diem, bitch."

I grinned, running my hand through my hair. "You know, Jazz was gonna get a tattoo that said that."

"What? Carpe diem, bitch?"

"Yeah," I laughed.

"That'd be badass. Why didn't he?"

"He got _Live_ tattooed on his back instead. It's fucking sweet, all script-like. But you should get Carpe Diem. It sounds like you believe in it."

Emmett was silent, his brow furrowed as he stared down at the bottle in his hand.

"What?" I laughed.

He held up his hand, not looking at me. "I'm thinking."

I giggled, signaling the waitress for another drink. She brought it back to me before Emmett finally spoke.

"All right. I'd get that." He pointed at the inside of his forearm, "Right here. What you gonna get?"

I raised my eyebrows, swallowing my sip of Jack and Coke. "I already have one."

"Shut the hell up."

"I do!"

"Prove it."

I rolled my eyes, lifting up my shirt just long enough so he could catch a glimpse of it.

I looked back at him expectantly.

He crossed his arms over his chest. "Get another one."

"Why?"

"Why _not_?"

"Um… because. I don't want to get a fucking spur-of-the-moment tattoo. Those always turn out shitty," I replied.

"Bullshit. You're just scared."

"I am not!"

"Am too."

"I am-"

"Bella," he cut me off, leaning forward in his chair. "Come on, did you just _hear _my fucking speech? You're over thinking this, dude. Live in the fucking moment. Haven't you ever done anything spontaneous before?"

"Emmett, I live on the fucking road. Spontaneity is my way of life."

He narrowed his eyes, as if trying to see through me. "No," he shook his head. "You're way more careful than you think you are. Come on, Bella, do this, but do it for yourself. I mean, there's got to be _something_."

I shook my head, but couldn't get that stupid drawing out of my head…

"I can see it in your eyes, darling. Do it. I'll tell you if it'd look bad. I swear," I opened my mouth to object, but he had our server flagged down and she'd practically appeared at his side out of thin air, batting her eyelashes so furiously I thought she might actually achieve lift-off.

"Hey," he grinned up at her, flashing her his award-winning smile. "Sorry to bother you sweetheart, but I need another round. And I was wondering if you could help me and my friend out."

"Sure thing," she purred. I almost reached up and wiped the drool off her chin. "What can I do for you?"

"I was just wondering if there are any tattoo shops in town?"

"Actually, yes. You see that guy over there with the long hair?" Emmett and I both craned our necks in the direction she was pointing. Emmett let out a loud laugh, and it took me a second but I realized she was pointing to the guy Emmett had mentioned when we'd first sat down in the bar… the creepy man with the long hair. A shiver ran down my spine. "That's Jimmy – he owns the only shop in town. I can go talk to him if you'd like."

I just stared at her, wondering if she was absolutely nuts. It was… well, fucking _late_, and we were sitting in a bar, drinking… at a bar that he'd been sitting in all night as well. She was insane if she actually thought I would let this man touch me with a ten-foot pole, never mind a needle loaded with ink that would become a permanent part of my skin.

She seemed to sense my hesitation. "He doesn't drink," she assured me.

"Mmm, yes. He sure doesn't look like the drinking kind," I said, trying to mask the panic in my voice.

"And he's really very good at what he does. I wouldn't send you guys to him if I didn't completely trust him."

"Well I trust you," Emmett broke in with a wink.

She giggled. "How about you let me go talk to him? And I'll be right back with your beer."

"Thanks, sweetheart." He grinned at her and she walked away, looking all dazed and confused.

"Jesus, Emmet," I said, when the girl was out of earshot, "You know you really shouldn't do that to people."

"Do what?" he asked innocently.

I heard something glass shatter behind the bar, and turned just in time to see our server duck down to clean up the mess.

I smirked at Emmett. "_That." _

He just laughed and shook his head. Then he leaned in towards me, his gaze intently fixed in mine. "So what you gonna get tattooed, Bella?"

"We are _not _doing this, Emmett!" I hissed, cutting my eyes to Jimmy, who was still sitting in the dark corner. I hadn't realized it before, but there were two other guys in the booth with him.

"Christ, woman. Don't worry. Jenna trusts him."

"Jenna's a moron."

"Well _I _disagree."

"Fine." I raised my eyebrows. "You get your tattoo. And if he doesn't manage to kill you or massacre your skin, then I'll _consider _it."

Emmett grinned victoriously. "So, what are you gonna get?"

I shrugged, hesitating. "I _might_ get this… this drawing… well, more like a sketch, really, that one of my friends gave me in high school."

"What is it of?"

"…A bird, and stuff. I don't know. It's hard to explain."

He nodded. "Who drew it?"

"Just an old friend."

"I'm willing to bet money that whoever drew it was more than just _'an old friend'_."

I tried to keep my face neutral. "Why do you say that?"

He smirked. "I'm going to sound like a complete creep… but your _eyes,_ they're very expressive. They say what you're not saying out loud."

"You're right."

"What?"

"You sound like a creep."

He laughed. "I'm serious."

"So am I." I rolled my eyes. "Actually, though… you're not the first person to tell me that."

"I did think I was." Then he looked at me, all serious. "Have you ever been in love?"

I hesitated, shifting in my seat, not liking the turn this conversation was taking. "…Yeah. Have you?" Despite how weird it sounded to have this conversation with a guy I'd just met, something about Emmett put me as ease. I trusted him. Or maybe I'd had just enough whiskey to trust him.

He shrugged. "Yeah, I think so. I don't really know. I had a girlfriend I thought I loved, I guess. But she was a crazy bitch."

I laughed. "You _think_ you loved her?"

"Yeah."

"No way." I shook my head. "If you loved her, you'd fucking know. _Trust me._"

He just looked at me for a moment, a sad smile on his face. "What happened?"

I couldn't look at him as I replied. I stared at my drink instead. "…We were young," I shrugged. "It was a lot, for being so young. Our relationship was very… intense. I don't even know _what _happened, but one day… it just ended. He didn't want me anymore, and I… I left." I let out a breath, because it was impossibly hard thinking about those times. It was like a stone hand was twisting my insides, suffocating my heart, making it hard to breathe.

"How young?"

I fought for a breath. "Emmett, no offense, but I don't really like to talk about it."

He shrugged. "Nobody does. But you're about to get a tattoo of a picture that he drew for you-"

"I never said he drew it." I tried to control my shaking hand as I took a sip of my drink.

He looked at me. "Not out loud."

I rolled my eyes. "What, are you a mind reader then?"

"No, I fucking wish!" he grinned. "Actually no, I'd much prefer super-strength to mindreading. No way I'd want to know what's going on in everybody's fucking head all the time. That'd be annoying as _fuck _and people are way to messed up for that shit_. _But shit dude, say I'm fucking walking down the street and there's a building in my fucking way, _poof_, I could just pick that shit up and toss it to the side and carry the fuck on." He sighed, a far away look in his eyes. "That'd be the fucking shit."

"There's a building in them middle of the street?" I giggled.

"I never said it was in the middle of the street."

"But you were walking down the street, and a building's in your way. It just sounds like -"

"All right, all right, I get it smart ass. Fuck. You know what I mean. So what superpower would you want?"

I could 't help but laugh at his ADD-tendencies. I thought about it for a second, stalling to trying to get my heart rate back to a normal pace. I was glad I'd managed to get him off-topic.

"Hmm… I guess I'd like to be able to protect the people I love. I don't really know how… I'd just like to be able to ensure their safety."

Emmett rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his beer. "That's boring."

"But practical," I retorted, a little offended.

"Yeah, yeah – oh, hey! You're back! Please tell me you've got some good news for us, sweetie." The waitress had returned to the table, looking slightly more flustered than before. But she smiled coolly as she replied, tucking a piece of blonde hair behind her ear as she spoke.

"Jimmy said he could meet you at the shop in half in hour, if that's cool with you guys. He's heading out right away to get set-up for you. And he'll charge you a little extra 'cause, well, it's really late, but it won't be a problem. Just bring whatever you want to get tattooed with you there and he'll draw everything up."

"Badass!" Emmett pumped his fist in the air and reached across the table for a high-five. I returned it, a little less enthusiastically than him. I tried to decide if this was a good idea but the alcohol was fogging my brain, making it hard to think. I wished I hadn't drank so damn much. Emmett was definitely a bad influence on me. Jasper was not going to be happy about this, if I went through with it. But all I could see was the piece of paper, tucked safely as the bottom of my suitcase, and suddenly I could feel it pulling me towards it, like a magnet. It was a _beautiful _drawing. Why not get something to remember him by?

Something _else _to remember him by.

I unconsciously rubbed my ribcage on the spot I already had inked sketched permanently on my skin as my eyes focused on nothing.

"Awesome," the waitress smiled, startling me out of my trance. "I'll run and grab your bill. And maybe I'll swing by the shop after I close up if you guys are still there."

Emmett winked at her. "Absolutely."

"All right! Okay, well good luck guys, hopefully I'll see you in a bit!"

Emmett turned back to me as she left.

"Hey, I mean, it's not like you're ever going to see him again, right?"

"Right," I muttered, swallowing the last of my drink and setting it back on the table a little more forcefully than I intended.

"…Are you?"

I laughed, cursing the whiskey for turning the situation into something humorous. "No," I managed. "Not if…" I stopped, still giggling as I tried to imagine a situation in which the road would _ever_ lead me back home. Back to him. I saw the headstone, nestled under a tree in the far back corner of a quiet little cemetery. Two names etched in the stone. I had said my good-byes, and buried six feet under the boggy soil was nothing but the remains two bodies. Renee and Phil weren't there anymore. There was no reason for me to go back to that place. I shook my head, suddenly sober.

"No. Never."

Emmett was silent for a moment.

"You seem so much older than twenty-two."

"I grew up fast. I had a mother to take care of." And just like that the situation was funny again and I grinned at the table, reminiscing.

"Fuck you're an emotional drunk."

I laughed and stuck my tongue out at Emmett as he leaned forward and pulled his wallet out of his pocket. He had the money for our drinks on the table before I could get any bills out of my jeans.

"You're not paying for all that," I said, finally freeing a few bills from my pocket and slapping them down on the table.

Emmett looked down and then laughed, loud and shaking. I looked down to see what was so damn funny, then I giggled and shook my head. I'd pulled out three singles.

"Thanks, but I've got it covered," Emmett said, still laughing as me.

"I have more in here," I muttered, leaning back in my chair so I could slide my hand into my front pocket.

"Save you're fucking money, Swan. You've got a tattoo to pay for," he winked, and gulped back the last of his beer.

Tattoo. Right.

I stood, and it seemed like the whole room stood with me. I grabbed onto the back of my chair as I steadied myself.

"Whoa," I muttered. _That's _why it's not a good idea to sit and drink for a long period of time…

"You all right there, champ?"

"Yeah. Just… gimme a sec." I looked around, waiting for the room to straighten up, then concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other until I'd made it to Emmett's side. He looped his arm through mine and led me to the front door.

"I just need some fresh air," I declared, as he pushed the door open to the dark, deserted street.

"When did it get dark out?" I wondered.

"Probably sometime in the past five hours."

"_Five hours?!"_ I cried, pulling my arm from Emmett's and going to lean up against the brick wall. The pale yellow streetlights above me were swimming around, taunting me. The night air was cool; salty.

"Seriously, Bella, are you gonna make it?"

I drew in a deep breath of the air and straightened out, puffing out my chest. "Of course. Nobody can hold their liquor like Bella Swan."

He just laughed and took my arm again, this time leading me down the street, to front door of the hotel.

"_We have to be quiet, when we go back up there_," I whispered to Emmett, trying hard to concentrate on my feet as we walked. When a crack on the sidewalk almost tripped me, I quickly righted myself as Emmett snickered and increased his hold on my arm. It was going to be a miracle if we made it in and out of there without waking up Jazz. I knew that he would try and stop me if he were to find out what I was about to possibly go do. Oh, he wasn't going to be very happy about this at all.

For some reason, the thought was funny, and I began giggling.

"What?" Emmett asked.

I shook my head. "_Nothing_," I replied in a hushed voice, not even sure why I was whispering already. That made me giggle harder.

"Christ, woman, you're going to have to cut that out if you plan on being the least bit covert."

I bit my lip, trying to stop the giggles from escaping as Emmett led me through the front door of the hotel. I grinned, leaning into his side as we walked. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I remember something about tattoos and drinking.

You weren't supposed to get tattoos with alcohol in your system.

I drew in a deep gulp of air.

Well then, I had thirty minutes… and I was going to have to act much more sober.

**x.x.x**

* * *

**A/N:** I think one of the things I love most about Emmett's character is his outlook in life – the guy doesn't take anything seriously. And he's funny as hell. Since I'm not the greatest at writing comedy, I hope I did him some justice in my own way.

Thanks for reading!

xx


	5. For Blue Skies

_Chapter 5: For Blue Skies_

**A/N: **A HUGE thank you to Kristina (aka the lovely kapers_in_pink) for her help and guidance for the setting on this chapter… it's been a long, long time since I've been to Oregon, so I was drawing from a very hazy memory. Thank you SO much for your expertise on the beautiful state! I included a special little shout-out to your hometown, hope it makes you laugh ;)

* * *

**With an old suitcase  
I swear I'll leave this place  
I'll get you back in time  
Can't drink you off my mind  
So I'll see you when I'm sober**

_**Midnight Train to Memphis – Kid Rock**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

I woke up to someone picking at the hair on the back of my neck. I flinched away and it stopped for a second, then started up again.

"_What the hell_?" I mumbled into the blankets, my voice sounding like I'd eaten a bucket of sand the night before. I swatted blindly behind me, hitting nothing but air.

"Bella, what the hell did you do to yourself?" Jasper's stony voice drifted to my ears through the fog clouding my brain.

"I think I drank my weight in whiskey," I groaned, burying myself deeper under the pillows. _Sleep. _I needed _sleep_. Not to be picked at or prodded by Jasper, or whatever the hell he was doing back there.

I groaned again into the blankets.

I fucking hated hangovers. Hated them so much that some nights I drank my alcohol with water. And trust me, you don't mix whiskey and water together for fun.

"_Bella_." He was getting angry. "What the fuck is this?" His hand was on my shoulder, shaking me.

I let out a long breath, realizing he wasn't going to leave me alone. I bit the bullet and peeked opened my eyes, squinting carefully as everything slowly came into focus. Thankfully the thick curtains in the hotel room were still drawn shut, blocking out most of the light from outside. I was curled up on my side, almost in the fetal position, the blankets tangled around my body and my head nearly touching my knees. My hand was wrapped around something hard and plastic, and as my eyes squinted in the dim light I realized I was gripping the handle of my guitar case. _My guitar was in bed with me?_

_What in the fuck…?_

I could feel Jaspers fingers pulling at something on the back of my neck. It felt like he was slowly peeling off a band-aid.

"Aw _fuck_, Jazz, cut that out," I groaned, my hand uncurling itself from the handle and instinctively reaching out and grasping the back of my neck. My fingers were numb and stiff, and it took me a moment to realize there was something stuck there, on the back of my neck. I furrowed my brow, wondering why in the hell I had plastic on the back of my neck. What in the hell _happened _last night? Was this Emmett's idea of a joke?

_Emmett_. The moment I thought his name, I was hit with a hazy flashback of the night before.

The bar, the waitress, sneaking back into the hotel room, zigzagging drunkenly down the vacant street, the tattoo shop, a man with long wavy hair and extremely crooked teeth, a loud constant buzzing…

"…Oh _fuck," _I hissed, rolling off the bed and away from Jasper. "Fuck, fuck, fuck_. _Oh fuck." The room spun around me and I clutched my hand over my mouth as I stumbled to the bathroom. My knees hit the tile floor in front of the toilet just in time.

When I finished emptying the contents of my stomach into the clean porcelain bowl, I staggered to my feet and rinsed my mouth out with water a few times, then slowly, cautiously, lifted my hair and turned away from the mirror.

I ripped bandage the tattoo artist from the night before had taped over it off and tried to get a better look. I kept twisting and turning, awkwardly trying to catch a glimpse of it in the mirror. Then I realized I'd left my makeup bag sitting on the counter and I began digging through it frantically, in search of the little plastic mirror I kept in there.

I could hear Jasper yelling at Emmett now from the other side of the door and I tried to block them out.

Emmett kind of did deserve to get yelled at by Jasper. It _was _kind of his fault. It had been all his stupid talk about _seize the day _and shit that got me into this mess in the first place. At least, I liked to think it was.

When my trembling fingers finally grasped the mirror I spun around so my back was facing the bathroom mirror and cautiously held the small one out in front of me so I could see.

I was shaking uncontrollably; a mixture of the hangover, nerves, and pure dread. But I still couldn't see anything - the tattoo was dirty, muddled with a layer of excess ink and blood. I tried not to breathe as I grabbed a washcloth and soaked it in warm water, slowly, gently, blotting it clean as I leaned over the sink. I grabbed at bar of soap for safe measure and washed it until it was clean.

When I half turned away from the mirror again to try and get a look at it, I gasped.

"BELLA!"

Jasper was at the door now, pounding forcefully against the hard wood.

_Bang. Bang. Bang. _

And I stood, still frozen in shock.

"Bella, open the fucking door!"

He slammed his fist against it again, the entire door shaking against the doorframe.

I couldn't tear my gaze away from the mirror.

My eyes traced over every line, every color, trying to memorize it, wishing I could stare at it with my own eyes. Without the assistance mirror. I reached back and touched it because I had to know that it was real. I traced it gently with my fingers, wincing at the tenderness but unable to stop.

Because it was _perfect. _

Perfect because the tattoo artist hadn't changed a single thing about the drawing, besides adding a touch of color.

Perfect because it was real.

Perfect because it was now a part of me.

Memories, they fade… but _this. _I would always have this.

"Bella, I swear to God -"

"Jasper!" I cried, snapping from my trance. I glared at the door; at the person on the other side of the door, for ruining this perfect moment. God, I was such a masochist.

"Just… shut the fuck up! Give me a fucking second!"

He stopped banging and he didn't reply, but I knew he hadn't moved. He was standing outside the door, his arms crossed, probably shooting me the same glare I'd just shot him.

And I was pissed because I was hung-over and Jasper was yelling at me and I felt like shit and he'd just ruined my perfect moment to stare at my beautiful new tattoo.

So instead of going out there to confront him, I pulled a towel from the rack and turned on the shower. I was in no fucking hurry. He could stand there glaring at the door all morning for all I cared.

When I finally walked out of the bathroom I found Emmett sprawled out on his stomach, watching Beetlejuice on the TV, his burlap sack on the bed beside him. Jasper was on the other bed, sitting with his back up against the headboard, his legs crossed in front of him, his arms crossed over his chest.

I watched him as I crossed the room to grab some clean clothes. His eyes never left the TV, although I knew he wasn't really watching it. I smirked as I grabbed an old pair of cutoffs and a beat-up T-shirt and walked back to the bathroom.

"Let's see it."

I stopped and turned. Jasper was leaning forward, his eyes now fixed on me.

"What?"

"Come on," he half-smiled, his form of an apology. "Let's see."

"O-okay." I adjusted my towel and sat down on the edge of the bed, my back to him. I felt him slide forward and then I felt his breath on my shoulder.

I waited, but he didn't say anything. I just sat there for a moment, my body tensed as I awaited an explosion, but nothing came. And when I worked up the nerve to glance back at him, he was still staring at it with an odd look on his face. My best guess was a mixture of awe and disappointment. But at least he didn't look too angry... Something wasn't right.

I turned toward him suspiciously. "You're not pissed?"

He hesitated. "Well. Emmett _might_ have had a point when he said I was overreacting. Besides, can't really take it back now, can you?"

"Yeah, not exactly."

"And I mean, I'm not going to tell you it was a bad idea, but it probably wasn't a _great _idea."

I rolled my eyes and pulled away. "Yeah but... I really like it," I said. "I think it looks kind of good, right?"

"I think it's sexy as fuck," Emmett stirred from across the room, stretching and grinning over at me.

"Now you shut the hell up," Jasper glared at Emmett. "I'm still pissed at you."

"What? You forgive her and you still hate me?" Emmett laughed and rubbed his stomach. He obviously wasn't taking it too hard.

"Yeah, I trust you for three hours and this is what you pull? Bella doesn't get into trouble like that when she's by herself."

"Jasper!" I objected. "_Trouble_? I was never in any _trouble_ last night. Yeah, maybe it was Emmett's idea, but it's not like he held a gun to my head. I had as much a part in it as he did."

"Yeah, look dude I told you I was sorry I didn't realize you were so protective over her. I didn't think it'd be such a big deal. But you want to know one great thing about being human? Free will, man! Seriously, I just gave her a little nudge in the right direction. I know you're not some tight-ass conservative fuck, so what's the big deal? It's just a tattoo man, and whatever, if you gotta you can cover that shit up."

"The big deal isn't about a tattoo, it's about _that _tattoo. You don't fucking know -" he cut himself off, turning to me, "It's just not healthy, Bells."

I rounded my shoulders and squared off with Jasper. "_Don't_ tell me what's healthy for me and what's not, all right? It's _my _fucking body, and it's my fucking life, Jazz. And I love it, okay? So just deal with it. And don't blame Emmett."

He stared me down, not moving, his grey eyes boring into mine. Now _this_ was the explosion I was waiting for. I could see his jaw working as he tried to control his temper, reign it in, and be rational. And I waited, not removing my eyes from his.

"Fine," he finally breathed, his voice soft. "I'm sorry Bella, but I just hate the fact that you… you still haven't let him go, after all these years."

"Oh, Jasper," I sighed. I took his hand in mine, and looked up at him, smiling sadly. "I let him go the second we left home, five years ago. Just please don't _worry _about me like this all the time. I'm fine; I'm happy. It's just… like a memento, because no matter how much you hate it, you have to realize that for a long time he was one of the most important people in my life. It's a reminder of the happy times. There's nothing wrong with that, Jazz."

He nodded. "All right, Bells. I get it, I'm sorry."

I smiled, and then purposefully glanced over at Emmett, who had turned his attention back to the TV, the looked back at Jasper, raising my eyebrows.

He rolled his eyes, getting the point. I patted his hand and grinned, making my way back to the bathroom.

Jasper cleared his throat from behind me. "Hey, Emmett?"

I chuckled and shook my head as I shut the bathroom door behind me, blocking out their apologies. Guys apologies were always so awkward and monosyllabic. It drove me insane.

I touched the tattoo with my fingertips as I dressed, wincing slightly at the pain but smiling to myself all the while. Maybe I did it because I was terrible and sick and lonely and a bit of a glutton for pain, but I also did it for the reason I'd explained to Jasper. I wouldn't let the tattoo remind me of the heartbreak, or the bad times. It was a tribute to love and friendship, because I knew that no matter how far or how long Jasper and I travelled, I'd never find anything like what we had again.

Because when it came down to it, Jasper didn't understand. He saw that relationship for the heartache it caused me, never for the life it pumped into my veins. Which was okay, because those were my experiences, my memories, and I didn't have to share them with Jasper.

Those were mine to keep. Between me… and _him. _

I grabbed my comb and began working the tangles out of my hair, then got dressed and brushed my teeth. When I came back out of the bathroom, both the guys were sitting on the end of the beds with their bags beside them, looking like they were waiting for me. I tossed my make-up bag in my suitcase and zipped it up.

"Em," I said, looking over my shoulder. "Let's see yours."

Emmett grinned proudly and held out his arm for me, and I wandered over to where he sat so I could inspect. The tattoo ran up the length of his thick inner forearm, and simply read _Carpe Diem _in beautifully shaded script.

I nodded approvingly. "I like it, you like it?"

"Love it. Oh, and here." He tossed me a tube of something and I caught it, looking down to see what it was. "It's some ointment shit, you gave it to me last night. Said that you knew you weren't going to remember getting it in the morning, so I should look after it for you."

I laughed. "Aw, thanks. Drunk me is always looking out for sober me." I spread some of the white goop out onto my finger and gently rubbed it into the back of my neck.

"So," I asked, looking over at the guys, "What's the plan?"

"Getting the fuck outta here," Emmett replied. "I think I might have given that waitress our room number last night."

"So you're coming with us?" I asked, hopeful.

"Well I don't exactly want to be stranded here. You guys wanna see the coast? My family has a beach house; it's just outside of Florence. It's probably about a five-hour drive from here. We could break in and stay for the night. It's not like anybody's using it. It'll give you guys a break from hotels, too."

It sounded too good to be true. Then I caught the key work. "_Break in_?"

"Well, I didn't bring a key with me, I didn't really expect to be coming this way. But it works out perfectly. And it's not a problem, I swear. It's a killer pad, you'll love it."

I glanced over at Jasper. "You sure, man? I don't want you getting us fucking arrested or anything."

Emmett laughed. "I swear."

So we all piled back into the Mustang. I offered Emmet the front seat, seeing how he was about four times the size of me, but he refused like a true gentleman. I settled into the seat excited; anxious. A five-hour drive was nothing when you were accustomed to drive twelve and fourteen hours a day. It was early still, only about seven a.m., but the sun was shining and it felt like it was going to be a gorgeous day.

I rolled down my window, my hair air-drying as Emmett, Jasper and I all sung along to every song Jasper managed to pick up on the radio. When songs came on that we'd never heard before, we belted out our own made-up words for those ones too. And we stopped in Eugene for gas and smokes where Emmett barely made it out of the car before puking all over the gravel parking lot of the gas station.

"See Jazz," I said, swatting his arm and laughing while he started filling up the tank. "I'm not the only one who thinks you drive like a maniac!"

I could hear Emmett laughing from where he was bent over about fifteen feet from the car. "It's - uuuah - hung - uuuuah - over."

"Oh, god. Please don't tell me you're trying to talk to me while you're ralphing, Emmett."

Emmett just laughed until he was interrupted by another mouthful of vomit. I turned away and covered my mouth with the sleeve of my hoodie and choked back a gag. My stomach was still not exactly happy with me either, and I had a feeling if I kept watching him I'd be joining him.

"Man, it's feels _so _great to not want to puke my guts out right now," Jasper goaded, stretching as he grinned at us.

"Shut up," I mumbled through my sleeve, holding back another gag. His grin only widened.

But before long we were back on the road, but not before we took the top off the car – we only had about an hour left on the drive and the sun granting us with its presence, and Em had been insistent that it couldn't be a road-tip without a convertible. I had a feeling that the real reason was the air blowing on his face would keep him from up-chucking round two all over the worn leather seats of the Mustang. And my guitar was back there, so I definitely didn't object. When Emmett started looking a little less green, he began a Cheezie throwing war, which basically involved him nailing me in the face as hard as he could while I laughed and tossed the pieces I could grab into the back seat. And poor Jasper looked like he couldn't decide if he should give us shit for messing up his beloved car or give up and join in on our ridiculous antics. By the time the war battle over we all looked like we'd dove headfirst into a bag of orange powder. I wiped off my face and dusted off my hoodie, resisting the urge to lick my fingers clean. My stomach growled obnoxiously and I wished I'd maybe rescued some Cheezies from the war to eat. I prayed Emmett had something for food at this cabin of his that wasn't alcohol or munchies.

We drove until about noon, making fun of the small town names along the way - a tiny town boasting the name Nimrod stood out for all of us had us howling in laughter for a good hour. I felt like I'd been doing this my whole life; like this was all I ever knew. And I couldn't be happier. I don't think I stopped grinning and laughing the entire drive.

Emmett directed us to his family's beach house as we neared the coast. It was remote, down a gravel road that seemingly led to nowhere. And then suddenly a giant house rose out of the rolling, sandy hills and the car came to a halt. The massive _beach house _sat perched on a hill, grand in its solitude, off a long beach that led to the grey, rolling ocean. The color of the water reminded me of Jasper's eyes: friendly yet turbulent; powerful and majestic.

The sky was overcast but it was still very warm. I stripped off my hoodie as we all emptied from the vehicles, Jasper and I taking in our surroundings with mouths hanging wide in awe. The vegetation was next to non-existent, with low lying brown bushes and yellowing grass scattered along the ground. The rest of the landscape was sand. Rolling hills of sand for as far as the eyes could see, that cut to the vast ocean waters. I could hear it roaring, and I gazed out into the distance, nothing but water stretching until the horizon. A warm wind whipped around my face, tangling in my hair. I closed my eyes, breathing in the salty, bitter air.

I'd never experienced anything like it. It was beautiful.

Emmett led us up the stone walkway to the door of the house, slipping around the side and promising he'd be right back to let us in. Jasper and I just stood in silence as we waited, our eyes both wide as we continued to take in our surroundings. The beach was littered with gnarled, sandy-colored driftwood, and birds cried loudly from far above us, swooping down and playing in the friendly gusts of winds.

I glanced as Jasper, who cracked a smile as we both heard a thumping coming from the other side of the door, and then it was being yanked open. Emmett stood in the entrance, beaming at us.

"Told you, motherfuckers. Come in."

Jasper stepped aside so I could enter first.

The house… well, it took my fucking breath away. It was spacious and open. The windows were almost all ceiling to floor and all the were furnishings white. I felt like the space was an extension of the outside; all the chairs and couches were low seating so they didn't block the view, the coffee tables made out of curving, tangled pieces of driftwood, all painted white. The floors were hardwood, the color of sand, and all the cabinets and railings and trim was the same light sandy color. That was art mimicking nature. It was stunning.

"Dude, this is a fucking _killer _pad. What are we not staying here forever?" Jasper asked, his jaw slack as he looked around us with wide eyes.

"Because you do not want to meet my folks," Emmett said, slapping him on the back. "_Trust me."_

"They won't… know we're here?" I asked, suddenly nervous.

Emmett chuckled, shaking his head. "Fuck no. They live in Idaho; they pretty much bought this place more for bragging rights than anything else. They don't come here often, but trust me, I do not want to risk running into them."

"I thought your dad was a potato farmer?" Jasper asked, scratching his head.

Emmett shrugged. "Business is good." Something about the tone of his voice told me that conversation had come to an end.

Jasper seemed to have caught that drift too. "Wow. Well… this place is incredible."

"Thanks man." Emmett strolled to the fridge, yanking it open and then bending down, coming back up with three bottles of beer in his arms. I cringed as he passed them out. I looked at mine and set it on the counter.

"So, what do you guys wanna do first? Drinking, swimming, take the ATVs out on the dunes?"

"ATVs?" Jasper asked, perking up immediately. Men and engines, I tell you.

"Yeah. Well, we've got two. Someone's gotta ride bitch." They both turned to me.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't care, just don't call it that."

"Well…"

I narrowed my eyes. "Don't say it."

Emmet held up his hands defensively. "All right, all right. Well, quadding it is. Dude, there's a blue cooler in the drawer there… the one next to the sink," Emmett directed a very lost-looking Jasper around the kitchen. Jazz started pulling open random cabinets until he found what he was looking for. He held up a navy blue fabric cooler for Emmett to see.

"Yeah, that's the one. Load 'er up with beer, I'm gonna spin us up a doob." Emmett plopped down on a stool at the island and pulled a bag of weed from his pocket, setting it down on the beige tiled countertop. "We should eat something before we get out there. I'm willing to be the only thing here is Spaghetti-O's. That cool with you guys?"

"It's better than the Doritos I had for lunch yesterday," I said, my stomach growling again at the mention of food.

Emmett snorted. "And you call me the stoner."

I rolled my eyes, wandering out of the kitchen and leaving the guys to their devices. I began exploring the house, creeping up to the second floor but felt too weird to peek in the bedrooms, so I basically just looked around in awe. The place was incredible. Everyway I turned, I had a different view out into the breathtaking surrounding landscape. It made me wonder if this was Emmett's "beach house"… what had his actual house like? How much had he truly left behind?

Where Renee and I lived in Phoenix had definitely been more a more modest home than our place in Jacksonville. Phil had purchased us a beautiful house, but with Renee's personality had been reflected in the design scheme – sporadic and unpredictable. It was nothing like this place. Here, everything fit together perfectly, existing in harmony. I'd only seen pictures of places like this; I never thought I'd actually be walking around such a perfect home.

By the time I'd finished my exploration of the upstairs and main floor, Emmett had three can's of Spaghetti-O's warmed up and divided into bowls. I plopped down beside him at the island and began shoveling the sorry excuse for food in my mouth. Spaghetti-O's never sat well with me, but at this point I was so hungry I really didn't care.

"Jesus Christ woman. _Breathe_." I looked up to find both Jasper and Emmett watching me.

I swallowed. "Er… sorry. I'm hungry."

"I can see that," Emmett laughed.

I went back to eating, taking deliberately slow bites. If there were any chance of me drinking anything today – and I realized that chance was very high – then I'd need to get some food in my stomach, STAT.

When we all had our share, Emmett led us out to the shed where they kept the quads. I rode with Jasper, and we spent the afternoon racing up and down mountains of sand. We'd stop every once in a while atop a tall sand dune and drink a beer and light a smoke, the wild wind whipping our hair around and burning our faces with it's unrelenting gusting.

It was exhausting, but I was having a blast. The dunes were never ending, stretching out as far as the eye could see, and I think our only guide back home was the constant shoreline to our right. It seemed that we were alone in the world out there and the earth was made of nothing but sand and water. I clung to Jasper as we'd race up one hill and then down the next, leaving our stomach's behind us. It was like a rollercoaster ride; flying so fast I didn't even have a moment to catch my breath. I'd been both bungee jumping and skydiving, yet the feeling of racing up and down the dunes was completely new and exhilarating. I'd scream when we'd climb to the top of one hill then race down the other side, moving impossibly fast, sand flying around us like a desert storm.

I had no idea how long we'd been out there, but the sun was getting low in the sky when Emmett finally guided us back to the house. It was exactly how we'd left it: isolated and empty. We poured out our shoes full of sand at the door and brushed off our clothes before going back inside. My hair was wild and tangled from the wind and I pulled it back into a ponytail, knowing there was no way I'd ever work through the knots. I put some more ointment on the tattoo, grinning to myself all the while. I was with Jasper – I could have stayed here the rest of my life and been perfectly content.

After another can of Spaghetti-O's, Emmett suggested we relax in the hot tub out on the back deck. I hadn't even realized there was a hot tub, but I wasn't all too surprised. So we all changed and went to soak in the bubbling hot water, just drinking and smoking and relaxing, watching the sun set in the distance.

It was all too perfect. And this is exactly why I loved how Jasper and I lived so very much. Because one day we could have jobs and living in the world's crappiest hotel in the middle of nowhere, and then three days later we could be lounging in a mansion, drinking beer and getting high in a hot tub with one of the most gorgeous views of the coastline I'd ever seen.

Later on, Emmett showed me where the washer and dryer were and I did a quick load of laundry and then went upstairs to shower while my clothes dried. As I undressed, it seemed sand poured from every orifice of my body. I had sand in places I didn't even know _existed. _I hopped in the shower scrubbed myself clean, until I was positive I had every tiny grain off my body. The floor of the shower was gritty with it. I sang to myself as I stood in the hot spray, letting the conditioner soak in my matted hair.

So far we'd done a pretty good job of making our last hurrah quite the journey. I was happy as hell, and hopeful as to what the next few days would bring. It seemed impossible to predict, but I had a good feeling about it all. A change was coming, that much I could feel, and maybe it was all the beer and weed I'd consumed throughout the day, but something deep down told me that this change would be good.

Soon we'd be crossing the border. Soon we'd be _home.  
_

**x.x.x  
**

"You have got to be _fucking_ _KIDDING _me!"

I leaned back against the side of the car, my arms crossed over my chest. Jasper booted the tire I was leaning next to and cursed a few more times, storming to the back of the car in a huff. Emmett still had his head buried under the hood, fiddling around with something or other while chuckling quietly to himself.

I watched Jasper and lit a cigarette, trying to keep the smug smile off my face. He kicked some dirt in his tantrum and spun back around to face the car. I immediately looked away, gazing off into the dense forest that the highway broke through. It was so green; too green. I felt like I'd entered another dimension, the landscape such a harsh contrast from the sandy Oregon coast.

Emmett appeared from under the hood, wiping his hands on his jeans. "Well, I'll call us a tow truck, I guess."

Jasper just nodded and muttered something under his breath as he reached for his smoke pack from the front seat. He went to lean against the trunk of the car, presumably to cool down.

"How far did that last sign say the next town is?" Emmett asked me.

"Uh… 12 miles or something," I shrugged, taking a drag of my smoke. "Not far."

"All right. Well…" he pulled his iPhone from his pocket and began scrolling through it. "Yeah, 10.7 miles to booming Forks, Washington from here… I wonder if they even have a company that I can call or if we have to call Port Angeles… ah, here we go. Wild Rose Mechanic." He put the phone to his ear. "I'll call and see what they can do."

I nodded slowly, tuning him out as he began rambling to somebody on the other end of the line. I sighed, glancing over at Jasper who was sucking back his cigarette. The humor in the situation was quickly fading. Watching Jasper throw a fit was generally amusing to me, as long as it wasn't me he was freaking out on. I especially enjoyed it when it was his beloved car that let him down. Well, I enjoyed it until the reality that we were stranded sunk in. Then it began to suck big time.

I looked up and down the deserted highway. We were literally in the middle of nowhere. This morning Jasper had been adamant on taking the "scenic route" up the coast, which basically meant driving through forests so thick that the only glimpses of the ocean we'd catch was when we'd climb some big winding hill. The drive had soon lost its novelty. And I'd woken up this morning with a strange, ominous feeling – such a strange contrast to the way I'd been feeling when I'd laid down my head for the night. But whenever something went wrong on mine and Jasper's journeys, it was usually on the fourth day of straight driving. And here we were, day four, stranded on the side of some empty highway, 10.7 miles from a town called _Forks. _

"Tow truck's on its way," Emmet called, pulling open the passenger door and ducking inside. Her came out with three beers in his hands. "Drinks?" he asked.

I nodded and he tossed one over the hood of the car for me and I caught it, wondering if hanging out with Emmett was going to _truly _turn me into an alcoholic.

"Jasper?"

"Please." Jasper turned slightly and Emmett hurled a beer in his direction. He caught it and cracked it immediately, taking a long sip as he turned his back to us.

Emmett raised his eyebrows and glanced at me, his eyes full of unspoken questions. I just shrugged and rolled my eyes. Jasper would get over it soon enough.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Five-thirty," Emmett replied. "We're fucking lucky that anybody even answered. Especially since it's Sunday night."

I groaned, unable to even imagine the possibility of having to walk all the way to town in the misty, damp weather. I pulled my sweater tighter around me. The dreamland I'd expected Washington to be was fast losing its appeal. We hadn't seen the sun all afternoon.

We'd left the beach house at a decent hour this morning. I was depressed to leave it behind. We hadn't spent as much time there as I'd hoped. The day and evening had passed by in a complete blur, and it left me wondering if it even happened at all or if it was some crazy dream. But Jasper and I were both running low on funds, and we knew that if we were going to make it to Canada before stopping again to work for a few months, we had to get on it. Jasper had expected us to make it to the border tonight. I still had no idea what he planned on doing for passports – I knew that the law now required passports to drive across the border, but I assumed he had to have something up his sleeve. I was leaving all that up to him. If he was going to cheat our way to Canada, then fine. But I didn't want to have a part in it.

"This weather is depressing," Emmett commented, looking up at the grey sky. "I don't know how the hell people live like this. Like, fuck, I think this area gets the most precipitation out of the entire country. I couldn't handle it – I need the sun. I heard it makes people bitchy and depressed living in places like this."

"_Yaaay_," I said, clapping my hands together sarcastically. "That's just what we need – to be stranded in a town of sun-deprived lunatics. I think the weather is already getting to me."

"Drink your beer, you'll survive," Emmett grinned.

I took a deliberate sip and grinned back at him.

"So how major is the repair going to be?" I asked, setting the can down on the hood of the car and leaning against it, facing Emmett.

Emmett hesitated, making a face. "It's not gonna take long to fix, couple days, tops. But the money is a different story."

"Money?"

"Well… the transmission went in it."

"Uh-huh…" I nodded, having no clue what that meant. I had a feeling it was under the hood, because that's where Emmett had been digging around. But he could have told me the leprechaun that lived under the steering wheel had gotten sick, and I would have believed him.

"It's what transfers the power from the engine to your wheels so you can move. Which is why we are stuck here," Emmett explained.

I nodded slowly. "How much to fix it?"

"It'll probably be between three to four thousand," Jasper answered, speaking normal words for the first time since our drive had come to an unexpected halt. I looked over at him in shock.

"Three… to four… _thousand_?" I gaped.

Jasper nodded, his expression stressed. "Unless I can find one used… which is pretty unlikely, and not the best fucking idea anyway."

I sank back against the car, staring out into the trees. Three thousand dollars… Three _thousand _dollars. Jasper and I didn't have that kind of money.

"What are we going to do?" I said, more to myself than anything. Now I understood Jasper's fit. We were fucked.

"I knew it was shifting weird," Jasper muttered angrily. "I was just fucking praying it wasn't the tranny. I can do it myself but _Christ _I can't afford to buy the fucking parts."

"I can," Emmett offered, his voice the quietest I'd ever heard.

I looked over at Jasper, awaiting his reaction. Jazz shook his head forcefully. "Sorry man, but I can't ask that of you."

"You're not asking, I'm _offering_. You guys have been-"

Jasper cut him off. "_No._" His answer was so final, so resolute. So… _stubborn_. The man wouldn't take handouts from anybody, even if we did pay Emmett back.

"Looks like we're living in _Forks _for awhile, huh?" I said, laughing weakly.

"Looks like it." Jasper turned back around.

"Look on the bright side," Emmett quipped, "We could be stranded in Nimrod."

"We could be Nimrodians right now."

"Or Nimrodites."

"Nimrodes?"

"Nimrodi." Emmett nodded seriously. "Sounds like... seafood."

I shook my head and laughed, but deep down wanted to cry. We had been _so close_. A couple hours to the border, if that. So close…

This was great. This was just fucking _great_.

**x.x.x  
**

When it started to rain, we all piled unwillingly back into the Mustang. We sat in silence, all frustrated and depressed. This morning had been so full of hope and promises… and now we were stranded for God-knows how long on the coast of northern Washington.

A few minutes into the uncomfortable silence, a bright orange tow truck rolled down the highway, pulling onto the shoulder where we sat. Jasper got out to meet the driver, slamming the door forcefully behind him. Emmett and I followed reluctantly after him, pulling our jackets tight and our hoods up to block out the chilly rain that pelted down on us.

"You guys hop in the cab, get out of the rain," the driver called, waving at us with a friendly grin on his face.

I smiled and waved back and Emmett and I climbed in the toasty warm cab of the tow truck.

"I wished he'd let me buy that fucking part," Emmett muttered angrily as I held my hands over the heat register.

"He won't. Jasper doesn't like to take handouts. From anybody."

Emmett shook his head. "But I want to get out of here just as bad as you guys do."

"You can," I told him. "You don't have to wait here on us."

"Aw, I don't wanna leave you guys behind," Emmett said, his face breaking into a grin. "You're way too much fun."

I forced a smile back. "Well, looks like I'll be waitressing again… and living in a hotel…" I sighed, rubbing my hands together and gazing out the window at the raindrops on the windshield. It usually didn't bother me this much, but the fact that Jasper had dangled a completely new life in front of my eyes, using words like _home _and _permanent,_ and now that's all I could see.

"It might be cheaper to buy a new car," Emmett suggested.

I almost laughed. "Jasper's put way too much money into the Mustang to buy a new car. It's his baby."

Emmett nodded, and we fell silent.

Before too long, the driver's door was being ripped open, letting a gust of cold, damp wind in the cab, and the driver hopped in his seat.

I watched as he pulled his hood down and shook the water out of his dark hair. He turned to us. "Hi, I'm Jake," he smiled warmly. My first thought was that he was a extremely handsome – he had beautiful russet–colored skin and dark eyelashes framing his dark brown – almost black – eyes, and a wide friendly grin on his face. It was hard to tell his age with his goofy grin and contrasting matured features. If I had to guess, I'd say he was around twenty-five or so.

"I'm Bella," I smiled back easily. Emmett stuck his hand across the seat and introduced himself as well. Jasper climbed in the other door and Jake put the truck in drive, heading down the meandering highway towards Forks, towing Jasper's beloved Mustang behind us.

"So you figure it's the transmission, huh?" Jake asked conversationally, glancing over at Jasper in the passenger seat.

"It _is _the transmission," Jasper stated, his face hard.

"What? Are you a mechanic or something?" His voice was teasing, but I cringed, knowing Jasper was not in the mood for games.

"Yeah, actually." Jasper glared out the window.

"Oh." Jake was silent for a moment, then he chuckled quietly. I looked over at him curiously. "Rose is just going to love this."

"Rose?" Emmett asked in confusion.

"She owns the shop. We don't work Sundays, I usually get the phone forwarded to my cell on weekends, you know, in case of emergencies." He smirked, and I wondered why about it was so funny.

"So what's the problem?" I asked.

"Oh, you'll see in the morning."

"Oh," was all I could think of to say.

The truck was silent for a moment, then Jake spoke, ""So I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Forks was not your planned destination?" He grinned knowingly over at us.

"Not exactly," Jasper muttered.

"Well then," Jake slowed the truck down and pulled off the highway, onto a paved side road, "Welcome to thriving town of Forks." His voice was just dripping with sarcasm.

I looked around at the gloomy, sleepy little town as the truck rolled slowly through. There were the necessary stores, the tiny public library, a police station, a courthouse, diner, a grocery store… nothing exciting, nothing out of the ordinary. It was almost an exact replica of all the towns Jasper and I had lived in over the years. It was comfortable… and it was home, for the next few weeks, at least. Which reminded me, "Uh, where's the hotel?"

"Turn left at the light we just went through," Jake directed us. "It's just past the diner. You won't miss it. Actually, I can drop you guys off there, you'd like. You don't look very prepared for the rain."

"That'd be great, thanks."

Jake stopped at the motel, letting us out at the front door. The place looked older, the outside of the building was painted a dark, peeling brown, the doors to the rooms a dark forest green. It mirrored the environment here perfectly, which disappointed me. A little color wouldn't hurt anybody, maybe some bright yellows or reds – unless the people living in this dreary town had forgotten what bright colors _were_. There was a flashing sign hanging out front which read "For s I n."

Emmett nudged me as up unpacked our bags from the car. "Just imagine a k between the 's' and the 'i'."

I snorted in laughter, hitching my bag over my shoulder and reaching for my guitar case. _Foreskin_. Seemed fitting, somehow.

We filed through the lobby door and Jake drove off, still laughing to himself at some private joke, promising that he'd see us in the morning. We entered the lobby, the heat running full blast despite the fact that today was the first of June. The small area was decorated with twisting driftwood and pictures of the ocean – it was like this place was taunting us with all we'd just left behind. The lady greeted us behind the desk, not even bothering to mask her surprise.

"Hello there!" she said cheerfully, patting the bright red hair she had piled a top her head. "What can I do for you?"

Jasper leaned against the desk, setting his bag on the floor. "We'd like a room please," he said, rubbing his face tiredly.

"Just one?"

Jasper glanced back at Emmett and I, then nodded. "Yep."

"I have a room with two queens and a pull-out couch, if that works for you kids," the lady said brightly, shuffling around some papers on her desk.

"Sure."

I took a seat in a driftwood bench as Jasper took care of the paperwork. Soon we had our card keys and we back outside in the rain, trudging to room 117, our bags in tow.

I caught Jasper in a hug as we entered the musty-smelling room. He dropped his bag to the floor and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

"We'll be okay, Jazz," I said gently. "It's just a little detour… we'll make it to Canada eventually."

"Yeah," he sighed, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Besides, we're in _Forks, _Washington. What's the worst that could happen?"

**x.x.x**

"_LISTEN, bitch. _This guy knows what he's fucking talking about-"

"No, you listen, a_sshole_. I don't have fucking time to deal with you ignorant pricks right now! I told you come see me tonight, and we'll work something out. I don't know if you're fucking blind or just s_tupid, _but you're just going to have to WAIT YOUR TURN."

"Emmett-" Jasper reached out but Emmett jerked away from his grasp, facing off with the blonde shop owner.

"Jesus Christ woman, are you always this fucking rude, or did we get an extra side of bitchy today?"

"Fuck you," she spat. "You know what, find yourself another fucking mechanic, because I am not helping you. You can _push _your hunk of junk home, see if I fucking care."

"_Emmett_," Jasper growled, grabbing Emmett's arm and shoving him forcefully in my direction. "Go wait over there with Bella."

Emmett opened his mouth to protest, but Jasper cut him off. "_Now." _

Emmett shot one last menacing glare at the blonde and came over to sit next to me on the hood of the Mustang, crossing his arms over his chest in a huff. I laughed to myself, hiding my face in my hands because I did not want that chick to see me laughing and snap on me next. She had some heavy looking tool clenched in her hand, and I would prefer to keep my face in one piece today, thank you very much.

I peeked through my fingers to see Jasper chasing the girl, Rose, back inside the shop. I let my hands fall to my side, a giggle escaping my throat.

"Shut up," Emmett muttered angrily.

"Sorry," I apologized very insincerely, unable to hide the laughter in my voice. "But you just got told off by a chick."

"That is no chick," Emmett shuddered. "That is a very dangerous man in a very hot bitch's body."

I snickered. "Still…"

I glanced over at him to see his lips twitching as he fought back a smile. He glanced sideways at me. "Shut up."

We fell silent for a moment; my fit of giggles slowly subsiding. I lit a cigarette and leaned back on my elbows, pulling my sunglasses down low on my face. I felt almost bad for making such a big fuss about the rain yesterday; the sun had been dancing in and out of the clouds all morning. And it was almost warm out.

"So no luck down at the diner?" Emmett asked.

I exhaled. "Nope," I replied, frowning slightly. I'd stopped by the diner down the road from out motel early this morning while the guys came down to the shop to talk to the infamous Rose about getting the Mustang fixed. The family who owned the diner had been nice enough to me; a short woman with dark curly hair by the last name of Stanley had helped me out, and had seemed genuinely regretful to tell me they had all the staff they needed at the moment. It was a family-run business, she'd told me. Her and her husband worked full time, and their three sons and daughter pitched in when required. She had directed me down the road to Newton's Outfitters, an outdoorsy sporting-goods store, which was just about as generic as it sounded, where I found out that Mrs. Newton had just hired two students that were off for the summer to work there full-time. She wouldn't need any help either. So I trudged back down the road to meet up with Jasper and Emmett, and had walked in on a screaming match between Emmett and Rose in the parking lot of the shop. And of course I'd plopped myself down on the hood of the car – I had a front row seat to the show.

"I guess I'll try the grocery store next," I sighed. I'd never worked at a grocery store before, but I knew how to work a register and I figured I could just pick up the rest as I went. It couldn't be too hard.

"Yeah," Emmett nodded absently.

Emmett and I smoked while we waited for Jasper to emerge. I half-wondered if that Rose girl had lost it on him and was busy burying his body out back. I wouldn't put it past her. The girl seemed to have a temper problem.

I realized that it had probably thrown both the guys for a loop to find out that the owner of Wild Rose Mechanic was a tall, supermodel-looking blonde, only about in her mid-twenties. I'd expected to find a thick lumberjack-esq woman who chewed tobacco and swore like a trucker, like Bertha, a woman Jasper had worked along side with at a shop in Colorado a few years ago. Rose swore like a trucker, but that was about a when the similarities ended. But she'd held her own against Emmett, that was for sure. And I had to instantly admire her no-bullshit attitude, even if it did sort of scare the hell out of me.

A few minutes later, Jasper pushed opened the front door of the shop, stepping out into the sunshine. He was whistling and spinning a ring of keys around his index finger as he walked towards us.

"Got myself a job," he grinned proudly.

"_What_?" Emmett bellowed in shock. "With that bitch?"

Jasper chuckled and nodded. "She was only a bitch to you, Em. She's pretty fucking cool, actually."

Emmett shook his head, muttering something that sounded a lot like "_traitor" _under his breath.

Jasper just grinned and shook it off, turning to me. "So, any luck, Bells?"

I shook my head, flicking my cigarette across the parking lot. "Tried two places, they were both full staffed." Summer was always harder to find jobs – money hungry students were always clogging up the market.

Jazz nodded, unconcerned. "Rose mentioned that her friend has a bar just down the main drag, and they're always looking for help."

I wrinkled my nose. "A bar?" I went to bars to drink, I didn't work at them.

"You'd make good tips."

I sighed. It _would_ probably be much more interesting than bagging groceries all day long. "Yeah, I'll go check it out."

"Cool. Rose said you can head over there anytime, someone should be there." Her craned his neck, peering down the street. "Said it was a block that way, it's called The Whiskey. You won't miss it."

"Bella and The Whiskey?" Emmett snorted. "Sounds like a match made in heaven." I rolled my eyes but was glad to see he'd regained his sense of humor.

"What are you guys doing now?" I hopped off the hood off the car and dusted off my jeans.

"I'm on the clock," Jazz grinned. "I'll be back around six."

I glanced at Emmett. He shrugged, looking a little sad. "There's a Supernatural marathon on TV, guess I'll go do that."

"You can come with me," I offered.

He shook his head. "No way, you'll probably try and con me into working there with you or some shit."

I laughed. "Suit yourself."

So I wandered down the road until I found The Whiskey. The outside was fairly predictable – a dark-red brick building with a saloon-style veranda and a carved wooden sign proclaiming the '_best beer in town_.' I didn't doubt it for a second – it was probably the only place that served beer in town. I walked up to the front door and pulled on it, but not surprisingly, it was locked. I rapped my knuckles on the door a few times and folded my arms over my chest as I waited. A few moments later there was movement on the other side of the door and then it was being yanked open. I pushed my sunglasses up on my head and put on my best smile, preparing to meet the owner. When I looked up, it took me a few seconds to realize that I knew the man standing before me.

"Jake?" I asked, my smile slipping off my face and turning into what I imagined was a look of confusion.

"Hey," he said cheerfully, adjusting the box he had under his arm, "Bella, right?"

"Yeah."

"What can I do for you?"

"Ummm…" I looked around awkwardly. "Is this _your _bar?"

"It is."

"But I thought you worked with Rose…" my voice trailed off.

"I do," he chuckled. "I own the bar, but I don't really work here... I maintain it and pay the bills and that's about it. So what are you doing here?"

I shook my head, smiling again. "Right. Sorry. Um, I actually wanted to see about a job."

His eyebrows flew up in surprise. "Really? Well, come in, come in. I've got a few more boxes to unload, but come check the place out and we can chat."

He led me inside the door, and I looked around in surprise. The place was actually really _nice_. It had a country feel to it, the floor was made of thick wooden slabs, the tables all looked handcrafted and unique. A long bar stretched along the length of the interior, shelves and shelves of liquor behind it. A dance floor and a tiny raised stage were set up in the back corner. And there was a smell of pine mixed in with the alcohol and faint smell of cigarette smoke.

"Have a seat," he said, nodding to one of the stools at the bar. He set his box down on the back counter and turned to face me.

"This is really cool, Jake," I said, my eyes still surveying the place.

"Thanks. Me and some buddies renovated the interior a couple years back when my old man still owned the place. When I turned twenty-one, my dad handed it all down to me and I added a few extra touches."

"Impressive. How old _are_ you, then?"

"Twenty-one," he admitted with a laugh.

My eyes bugged out in shock. "You're kidding me!"

"Nope. My dad wanted out of the business, and I wanted in so… I hired on a few friends and took a run at it. This place can get pretty crazy, it's the only good place in town to go for a drink, and we always seem to be short-staffed." He rolled his eyes. "Apparently people would rather drink than serve the alcohol."

"Imagine that," I giggled.

"Yeah. So, you're serious about wanting a job, then?"

"Sure am. I have a transition to pay for."

"_Transmission_," he corrected me with a chuckle. "So how'd it go this morning, anyway?"

"You mean you couldn't hear?"

"That bad, huh?" Jake laughed heartily. "I figured as much. As soon as I saw that big burly guy… I had a feeling shit was gonna get crazy. And as soon as your friend said he was a mechanic, I knew Rose wasn't going to be too impressed. She doesn't like it when dudes know too much about cars because they always doubt her expertise. Not that they should – Rose is the fucking Queen, she's been working on cars since before she could walk, I think," Jake rambled. "She was actually named after that shop, believe it or not. Her old man lived and breathed that shit. Man, I just wish I could have been there to witness that showdown though. I bet it was a good one."

"It was pretty intense," I agreed. "I thought at one point Rose was gonna knock Emmett out with a wrench."

"Naw, she leaned her lesson last time."

I laughed, not sure if he was kidding or not.

"So what time can you be here tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow? Well, I'm pretty swamped. I have a whole lot of… nothing planned. When do you need me? Hell, I can start right now."

"Wow, you really wanna get that _transition _paid for, huh?" he teased. "I've only got a couple more boxes to do right now, but thanks. We're closed today, but tomorrow night we open around seven; so come by a little early, I'll make sure Alice is here and she can show you what needs to be done. You guys will have fun," he winked. "I have the night off tomorrow, so don't steal anything or Alice will kick your ass, and if you break anything… well, hide it good so I don't find it. Other than that… don't get too trashed, and don't let Quil drink whiskey, no matter what he tells you."

"All right," I nodded, beginning to feel somewhat nervous. No stealing, no breaking shit, no drinking, and no whiskey for a Quil… whatever that was.

"Thanks Jake. I'll see you around," I said, hopping down off the stool and making my way back to the door.

"See ya," he said, ripping open the box and beginning to pull bottles from it. "Oh, wait, Bella!" he called just as I reached the door.

I turned and faced him. "Yeah?"

"Have fun," he grinned.

I felt myself relaxing just looking into his friendly face. I returned the smile. "Thanks, Jake."

"And good luck."

I pushed my way out the door, hoping like hell that I wouldn't need it.

* * *

**A/N: **So. Fun fact: the chapter song, Midnight Train to Memphis is completely the inspiration for my penname. Even if you aren't a Kid Rock fan, but can stand a _little _bit of Kid rapping, you REALLY should check it out. I absolutely love it. It's my go-to song for drunken karaoke. Yes, I'm a girl, and yes, I love to sing Kid Rock. Call it a guilty pleasure…

Reviews are better than our trio finally ending up in Forks ;-)


	6. Shine On

_Chapter 6: Shine On  
_

**A wild ride, over stony ground  
Such a lust for life, the circus comes to town  
We are the hungry ones, on a lightning raid  
Just live a river runs, like a fire needs flame  
I burn for you.**

_**Animal – Def Leppard**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

There was a bunch of bright flashes on the screen, everything moving too fast for me to keep up. There were gunshots and explosions all around me and for some reason my player was staring down at his feet. I squeezed my eyes shut, cringing away from the screen as my fingers jabbed frantically at random buttons on the controller in my hands. There was one loud explosion and then silence, and I peeked open my eyes to see the words "Player 2 wins" appear on the screen. I threw my controller down on the bed, crossing my arms over my chest angrily.

"What are you _doing?_" Emmett turned to me, a look of bewilderment on his face. He didn't want to lose his gaming partner, apparently, but he had no problem slaughtering my guy every two seconds.

"I give up – you're not playing fair and I don't even know what the hell is going on."

"You just _won, _Bella."

"I did?" I brightened.

"Yeah." Emmett shook his head, muttering to himself crossly. "That's two in a goddamn row."

"I won the first one too?" He hadn't told me that.

"Yup."

"Well, hell, how did I manage that?"

"I don't know." If he didn't seem so utterly perturbed by it, I would have thought he was lying to keep me playing. I didn't know how in the world I had managed to beat him _twice_; I mean, it took me most of the first game to realize I was watching Emmett's half of the screen instead of mine. My poor played had been running into a wall for god-knows how long while Emmett laughed his ass off.

"Another round?" he offered, but I had a feeling that what he really meant was that I wasn't leaving this room until he'd beaten me.

I glanced down at my watch. "One more, then I have to get ready."

"All right." He set us up for another round, directing me to press the green button on my remote when it called for it. I stared, uninterested at the screen. Video games were so not my thing – at least, I hadn't _thought _they were. I had a difficult time maneuvering around the obstacles to do much of anything, but somehow, five minutes later it was Emmett who chucked his controller to the ground in anger.

"I think you're cheating."

"I wouldn't even know how to begin. We'll have a rematch tomorrow," I promised him, hopping to my feet and dragging my bag with me into the bathroom. He muttered something unintelligible and cracked a beer.

I was still laughing when I climbed out of the shower, and beginning to seriously consider a professional career in video gaming. Was there such a thing? I was going to have to look into it.

I had spent the morning reading Lewis Carroll's _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_, about the only good book I could find at my exploration of Fork's miniscule public library. I'd stopped by to browse the day before on my way back from meeting with Jake. I'd slept a good part of that afternoon away, much too tired to do anything else. This afternoon, Emmett had then succeeded in convincing me to play a few rounds of whatever war game he was playing on his beloved x-box, and I'd thoroughly enjoyed kicking his ass, even if it was a complete fluke.

I had about an hour before I had to be down at The Whiskey to start my very first shift as a bartender. I wished Jake was going to be there. I was getting a little nervous, and a familiar face would have been comforting. And I wasn't sure on what to wear; my wardrobe was fairly limited although I did own a few nicer pieces, I wasn't exactly sure if they were fitting for a place named _The Whiskey_. It didn't _seem _super classy, and Jake had never mentioned anything about a dress code. So I threw on a pair of jeans and a black tank top because I was not wearing a skirt unless it was absolutely necessary. I figured worst-case scenario I could run back to the motel and change before my shift started if I was really that severely underdressed.

I dried my hair with the crappy little blow dryer in the bathroom, put a layer of ointment on my scabbed-over tattoo, and put on a little makeup that I hardly ever used. When I came out of the bathroom, Emmett let out a low whistle, pausing his video game.

"You clean up not bad, Swan."

I made a face. "Thanks. Wish I could say the same about you." My eyes swept his appearance; he was unshowered, unshaven, and still wearing the t-shirt and pajama pants he'd slept in.

"It takes a lot to pull off this look."

"Well obviously."

He pulled himself up into a sitting position and took a sip of his beer. "You have to leave right away?"

I glanced over at the clock on the nightstand. "Pretty quick, yeah."

"Can I talk to you about something first?" Emmett's serious face made me nervous – something about it just didn't suit him.

I plopped down on the bed and began pulling on my shoes. "Uh, sure, what's up?"

"Well, I want your opinion more than anything."

"Sure."

"Do you think Jazz would freak if I offered to, you know, do some work on the car? Like, I'm no mechanic, but I have experience in bodywork, and it's going to be parked for a while and I figured something good should come from it… I'm going to go out of my fucking tree just sitting around here all day, and he won't let me help pay for the transmission, and you guys have to put with me all the fucking time now… so I was thinking it could be a way I could pay you both back. You know, make your car pretty." He smirked.

I raised my eyebrows, surprised by his offer. "Like what? Paint it and shit?"

"Yeah."

I mulled it over for a moment as I laced up my chucks. "I actually don't know what he would say. Ask him though, but just make sure you make it sound like you're doing it for yourself… definitely not like you're doing us a favor. I'd say hell yes, but Jazz is weird."

"I know." Emmett frowned.

"Ask him."

"I will." He nodded and hit a button on the controller in his hand and the game one the screen bounced back to life. I honestly really didn't care either way – as soon as I had enough money saved up, I was buying my own vehicle. Maybe another truck, like the one Jasper and I had begun our journeys in. I missed that truck… but it had finally given up on us a few years ago in Tennessee. That was the time we had to hitchhike, not one of my fondest memories over the years. It was right after that when Jasper had acquired the Mustang.

I grabbed my wallet and slipped it in my pocket as I shrugged on a jacket and made my way to the door.

"Oh, but Emmett."

He glanced up. "Yeah?"

"You can make that car as pretty as you want – I'll still never like it."

He just grinned. "We'll see, Bella. We'll see."

**x.x.x**

I hesitated outside the door to The Whiskey, wiping my hands nervously on my jeans. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, and my knees were unusually weak. It was strange to me; it had been a long time since I'd actually felt anxious before starting a new job. But then again I'd never worked at a bar before. And I was working with a girl named Alice, who I literally knew nothing about, and I had a difficult time enough bonding with girls as it was, so yeah, I was nervous as hell. Taking a deep breath and deciding I couldn't put this off any longer, I pulled open the door to the bar. My eyes immediately fell upon a girl with short dark hair perched on top of the bar who looked to be waiting rather impatiently for something. It took me a moment to realize that it was _me _she was waiting for. When she saw me, her eyes lit up and she hopped down, landing gracefully on the balls of her feet.

"Hi!" she said cheerfully, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "You must be Bella."

"The one and only."

I was surprised when she danced up to me and wrapped her arms around my waist without any hesitation. I stiffened in her embrace and then patted her back awkwardly. "Uh. Hi."

"Oh, I am _so_ glad that you are here," she said, pulling back and smiling up at me with captivatingly wide hazel eyes. She was shorter than me, wearing a pair of leggings and a long, fitted yellow shirt, and she was… barefoot?

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that… sanitary?" I asked, my eyes on her feet.

She giggled, dancing back toward the bar. "Probably not." She wiggled her toes. "But my feet needed a rest."

I exhaled, nodding slowly, trying to pretend like I understood what she was saying. She flashed me a wide grin, apparently amused by my confused reaction.

"When you're five-foot nothing, you find yourself wearing heels more often than you'd like."

"Ahhh. I see."

She just looked at me, smiling, then asked, "So, have you bartended before, _Bella_?" When she spoke, it sounded more like she was describing a sound than saying my name. I liked that.

"Nope. But I've had lots of experience in drinking." I grinned sheepishly, realizing that probably wasn't something I should have revealed within two minutes of meeting my new co-worker. "I usually waitress," I shrugged.

"It's easy," she assured me. "Most guys order beer, and most girls… well… when they order some fruity fancy drink I just give them fruit juice and vodka. They can never tell the difference."

"All right, fake fruity drinks, check."

"No one here really has exotic taste, so I'm sure you'll know what's in most of the shots anybody orders. And if you don't they'll be more than happy to tell you. All the tips go here," Alice slid over the top of the bar and landed on the other side. She produced a cash box from under the counter. "We split them at the end of every night – Jake doesn't take a cut from that. Prices for drinks are all written down here," she held up a piece of laminated paper that was sitting on the counter. "It's the cheat-sheet, but if you're ever unsure, just ask me. Thursdays we have drink specials, and those change every week… Our busiest nights are Friday and Saturday, by far. That's when all the kids that go to college in Seattle come home, and you know how those college kids just love to drink…" Alice rolled her eyes. "If someone is getting too drunk, make sure and cut them off. If someone looks like they are going to get sick, you can tell me and I'll make sure they leave. And other than that… we have everybody out of here by two a.m., and we have to clean up and cash out before we go home."

I nodded, trying to absorb everything. It didn't sound like it was going to be so very different from waitressing after all. And I was used to working late shifts; the diners I usually worked at stayed open around the clock.

"It'll be fun," Alice promised me, her excitement hard to doubt. "If you have any questions, I'll be here. I work every night… well, except Monday's, but that's when we're closed. Jake isn't always here, but if he isn't one of his buddies will stop in for the night. You know, just in case something happens and us poor girls can't defend ourselves." She rolled her eyes. "_Please. _I think Rose can throw a meaner right hook than any guy I know."

I laughed, nodding in agreement. "I think my friend almost found that out yesterday."

"_Ooooh_," Alice said, raising her eyebrows. "I heard about that. So you guys were the ones causing a scene at the shop."

I held up my hands. "I was a mere witness. Emmett, on the other hand, was ready to assault a woman."

"Well don't worry, Rose only yells at the guys she likes."

"Really?" That seemed kind of backwards to me. But everything I knew about Rose so far seemed kind of backwards.

"Well… what is this Emmett guy like?"

I shrugged. "Muscles, dark hair, tall, goofy as hell…"

Alice nodded slowly, a gleeful grin stretching across her face. "Oh she has it _bad_."

"Well… if she does, I don't think she knows it yet," I said, unconvinced.

"Of course she doesn't. Rosalie is one of the most unperceptive people on the planet when it comes to her own feelings. You'll see," she promised.

"All right," I nodded, mostly because she seemed far too convinced for me to disagree with.

Alice and I had got the usual questions out of the way as she showed me around the rest of the bar. She asked what I was doing in Forks, where I was from, and I gave her the general summary of mine and Jasper's travels, how we'd stumbled across Emmett, and how we landed ourselves in this fabulous little town. She was very easy to talk with, and listened intently to every word I told her, flabbergasted and almost _envious _by the way Jasper and I lived. I found it difficult to be nervous or awkward around her – something about her just put me at ease. The conversation flowed easily between us. I found out she was twenty-three, single, had grown up here in Forks and now lived in a house with a roommate, had a tiny dog named Clyde, was best friends with Rosalie Hale, and liked to make her own clothes. She seemed far too interesting to be living in this drab little town.

"Well I'm glad your car chose Forks to break down," Alice told me with a smile. "We need some excitement here. I can't wait to meet Emmett and Jasper, they sound like a blast. Are they coming by here tonight?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but never got a chance to because just then the little bell over the door rang our first group of customers strolled in. From then on my evening was spent ringing up orders, serving beers, wiping down tables, laughing at customer's terrible jokes, and goofing around with Alice. The place never got overly busy, not that I was expecting much for a Tuesday night, but there was a baseball game on TV so there was a fairly decent crowd. Most of the customers were guys, a mix of younger kids from the nearby reservation and a couple older guys from town. Alice introduced me to everyone though I forgot more of their names with minutes of meeting them. Jake's friend Quil, a tall dark-haired man, sat at the bar and kept Alice and I company. He reminded me a lot of what I knew about Jake – he was easy to get along with and always smiling.

I was having fun; I was _comfortable_. The place just wasn't one of those cheesy bars with the flashing lights and the dance music pounding so loud you couldn't even hear your own voice screaming over the noise. There was a jukebox in the corner that the customers pumped full of change and listened to music like Rush and Guns n Roses and Zeppelin and even Skynyrd and the Stones… To say the least, I was very much in my element. I had to resist the urge to break out into song multiple times throughout the evening. The night flew by and before I knew it, it was one-thirty and the last person had just stumbled out the door.

"You survived!" Alice congratulated me from behind the bar, clapping her hands together as I wiped up a table across the room.

I wiped fake sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. "I didn't think I was going to make it – do you know how torturous it is to be the one serving the alcohol and not drinking it?"

"You get used to it," Alice giggled.

Maybe I would, but it would definitely take some adjusting.

I dug a couple quarters out of the front pocket of my jeans and set the music to some Def Leppard while Alice and I cleaned up. Alice giggled as she sorted through the cash register while I mopped up and sang along to _Love Bites. _

"You sure you didn't sneak a few drinks, Bella?" she teased, watching me with a highly amused expression.

I threw back my head and laughed as I wrung the water from the mop.

"_Ooooh love bites, love bleeds. It's bringing me to my knees_," I belted back in reply.

She giggled and went back to cashing out. I laughed to myself as I began pushing the mop and bucket to the back of the bar. I don't know exactly what had gotten to me – I usually only acted like a crazy idiot in front of Jasper.

"I thought only dudes listen to this kind of music," Alice called, still giggling as I did a very risky maneuver with the handle of the mop.

"What? No way! Dep Leppard is the greatest. You know their drummer only-"

"Only has one arm? Yeah, I know," Alice grinned, shaking her head. "My cousin reminds me of that constantly. I mean, that's great and all, but it's just not my thing."

I groaned. "Alice, I don't think we can be friends anymore."

"What?" she asked innocently.

"You _have _to respect the classics."

"I do! I just think my definition of the classics are a little different than yours."

"Like what? And I swear to God if you say _Hit Me Baby One More Time_, I will step on you."

"Naw," she giggled, "I'm a more of a _Genie in a Bottle _kind of girl."

I rolled my eyes. "_Please _tell me you're kidding."

She just shrugged and laughed, leading me to believe that she was, in fact, _not _kidding.

It didn't take us much longer to get everything cleaned up. Alice locked up the back and I slipped on my jacket, waiting for her at the front. When we got out into the parking lot, she looked around, confused.

"How are you getting home?"

I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jacket and looked down at my feet as I kicked one up off the ground. "These babies work just fine."

"Oh, Bella." Alice rolled her eyes and grabbed me by the sleeve of my jacket, pulling me in the direction of her car.

"It's not far -" I objected.

"It's far enough at this time of night. We have bears and wolves here, you know. And I'd bet you'd make a tasty little snack for them."

"Oh." I shuddered and stopped struggling, following her eagerly the rest of the way across the parking lot.

I didn't have to tell her where I was staying, which led me to believe she'd asked more about me than she'd let on, but I didn't mention it. Maybe it was pretty obvious, and it seemed that this was the only hotel in Forks. If she had pulled up in front of my room, I would have been slightly creeped-out, but she asked me what door was ours and then parked in the two empty stalls in front of room 117.

"Thanks for the ride," I said, popping open the door. "I had a lot of fun tonight. Didn't feel much like work."

"I know, it's usually not a bad job. I'm really glad to be working with you, Bella. I think that's the most fun I've had there in a long time."

I grinned, biting my lip. "See you tomorrow?"

"Absolutely," she grinned brilliantly. "Have a good night, Bella."

"Thanks, Alice, you too."

I climbed out and dug around for my room key. Unlocking the door, I pushed inside, giving my eyes a moment to adjust to the dark before trying to stumble my way to my bed. Emmett and Jasper were both passed out, snoring loudly. I shuffled across the room, and when my knees hit the edge of my mattress, I flopped down on it face first. I heard Jasper stir on the bed next to me.

"Bells?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Hey," I smiled, rolling onto my side.

In the dim light I could see him run his hands over his face and then prop his head up on his elbow, facing me. "How was work?" he asked, his voice thick with sleep.

"Good," I replied, excitement seeping into my voice. "It was actually really, really fun."

"That's good," I could see a tired smile form on his face. "I wanted to make it out… but I was just so beat when I got back."

"That's okay," I told him. I'd honestly forgotten that I'd been half-expecting him to drop by after his shift. "I was pretty busy anyway. Maybe you guys can come by tomorrow or something. I'm working with a girl named Alice. She's… quite the bundle of energy, but she's really great. I think you'll really like her."

"Why do you always say that?" Jasper chuckled darkly. "I hate everybody. Why would I like her?"

"She's… different," I said carefully. "Besides, you like Emmett." Emmett chose that moment to roll over and let out a loud snore. I covered my mouth with my hand so I wouldn't wake him as I laughed.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "It's impossible not to like Emmett."

"Yeah, well, maybe it's impossible not to like Alice."

He just shook his head, covering a yawn. "Whatever you say, Bells."

I grinned at him. "Go back to sleep, Whitlock."

"Mmm, 'kay. Night, Bells."

"Night Jazz."

**x.x.x**

The entire week went by in much of the same fashion as the first night. Every evening, more and more locals made their way to The Whiskey, leaving me wondering just how hectic Friday night was going to be. Everybody I met was friendly and more than welcoming, and towards the end of the week I even started remembering a few names. There was the aggressively friendly Mike Newton, who had gone to college for business and now managed Newton's Outfitters, which his parents owned and which he was hoping to take over someday. Mike had been a little _overly _disappointed when I mentioned to him that I'd been turned down by the store before getting my job at The Whiskey. He promised he'd let me know as soon as a spot opened up, and I had only laughed because, really, it was hard to imagine someone like me working at a sporting-good store.

I also met the borderline-annoyingly chatty Jessica Stanley, who worked at the diner and hadn't made her way to college yet because she was undecided on her major. There were Jake's friends Quil and Embry who both just goofy as hell and had me laughing constantly. And on my second night, I officially met Rosalie Hale.

It was the same night Jasper and Emmett stopped by after work. When they strolled in the bar, I could see Alice's face light up immediately, although she waited for me to introduce them to her before bombarding them with hugs. If they were weirded-out by her friendliness, they didn't show it. It wasn't very busy yet so Alice and I had a few minutes to sit down and have a drink with them. Alice and Em carried the conversation with ease, which was great because it gave me time to down my drink.

"I thought you're not supposed to drink on the job," Jasper goaded, nudging me lightly as I took a long sip of my Jack Daniels.

I swallowed and looked up at him, raising my chin indignantly. "Jake never specifically prohibited it. In fact, all he said was for to not get 'too trashed'. Besides, I haven't had a drink since Sunday when the car broke down."

"Wow, look at you," he mused. "That's almost three days, Bella."

"Three very long, torturous days." Hm, maybe I was an alcoholic after all.

He grinned, and his eyes darted over to Alice, who was sipping a beer while laughing with Emmett. I watched Jasper curiously. He had this strange look on his face… and it wasn't the strange tortured look I was so used to seeing, either. He looked… intrigued, almost. It was baffling.

After a moment, he glanced back at me. "What?" he laughed.

I tried to rearrange my expression into something more normal. "Nothing."

"All right." I watched as his eyes darted back to Alice then down to his drink.

I tried to fight back a grin. So, so rarely did Jasper actually ever look at other people – like really, truly _look_ at them…. And I'd just caught him in the act. He told me once that he didn't like to pay attention to people in that way, because when he did, he'd either find something he hated or something he liked. When he hated people, he got angry. When he liked people, he got attached. And that's how you get hurt – because you can't lose what you never had. You can't be hurt by something you don't care about.

I suppose that's how Jasper and I became close in the first place, though. He could have easily walked by as the kids taunted me that day in the schoolyard – a child getting teased was not a rarity, it happened every day. But Jasper stopped and looked, and he must have seen something there… something he liked; something he wanted to protect. Maybe if he hadn't looked that day, we wouldn't be sitting here right now.

"So, Jasper. How do you like working with Rose?" Alice's lips were turned up into a knowing smile, her chin in her hand as she leaned across the bar towards Jazz.

Emmett made a strange choking noise, and Jasper laughed. "It's great, actually. Most fun I've had working in a long time. Rose is great – she's amazing at what she does. I've never seen anything like it."

Alice cocked and eyebrow. "Really? She hasn't been torturing you the past couple days?"

"Ah, she tries," Jasper waved it off. "I learnt early on not to laugh at her when she yells. Or call her a bitch." Jasper glanced at Emmett.

"Even if she _is _a complete bitch," he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest just as the bell above the door rang, and none other than Rosalie Hale herself waltzed through the door. I grinned as Emmett tensed up.

She was fucking beautiful, there was no doubting it. She just carried herself with such poise and grace that if I had met her in the streets the last thing I would have pegged her for would be a mechanic. She'd obviously gone home to change before coming by here – she wore a dark pair of jeans and a tall pair of black boots and a long, fitted black shirt. She wasn't overdressed by any means, but something about it made me think that she could have just stepped off a runway. She was breathtaking.

"Rose!" Alice sprang from her seat and greeted her friend, dragging her to the bar where we all sat.

"Hey Rose," Jazz grinned easily as she took a seat.

"Hey dick," Rose raised her eyebrows in return. "I see you took off early on me, son of a bitch."

"Hey, I finished up that Tahoe like I was ordered to. It's not my fault you were buried under an Impala with a grinder in your hand and couldn't hear me yelling at you."

"Yeah, because you took the fucking _tire rotation a_nd left me to change out a transfer case."

"You asked for it."

"You know, I should really fucking fire you, Whitlock."

"Why? Because I'm a faster worker than you?"

"No, because-"

"Stop it!" Alice broke in, her voice a high whine. "No work talk! That's so _boring_."

Rose huffed but I saw her fighting back a grin. She looked down the bar and frowned. "Wow, customer service is sure in the shitter here these days."

"You know where we keep the beer."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Isn't this why you hired _help_?" she sneered. "So I don't have to serve my god-damn self?"

"Christ Rose, get off your high-horse and get yourself a beer," Alice retorted. I tensed, waiting from a snippy response from Rose, but she only made a face and got to her feet. My respect for Alice climbed about ten notches - it didn't seem like an easy feat to stand up to someone like Rosalie Hale.

"So have you been officially introduced to Bella yet, Rose?"

Rose's eyes flickered to mine and I met her gaze for a few seconds before I had to look away. I had to admit, the woman was intimidating as hell... but I saw something else in her ocean-blue eyes … something I recognized in my own sometimes. She was guarded… she'd been hurt, too.

"No, I haven't," she replied finally, pulling a Budweiser out from behind the bar. She looked back at me. "I'm Rose."

"I've heard. I'm Bella."

"I've heard." She cracked open her drink, a hint of a smile curling on her lips. Then she saw Emmett.

"You're the motherfucker who threatened to burn down my shop," she said, narrowing her eyes.

"It wasn't _technically _a threat," Em replied. "More like a general observation."

"I'm pretty sure that '_I'm going to burn this fucking shop to the ground if you don't help my friends out'_ is most definitely classified as a threat."

"I figured it was open to interpretation."

"Like what? That you're a fucking dumbass?"

"Wow, good one, greasemonkey."

"_Rose_-"

"_Emmett_-"

Alice and Jasper both spoke in unison in the same low warning hiss. They glanced at each other and burst out laughing. It was so strange, the way I felt like we were intruding on some intimate moment as they grinned at each other, their gazes locked. I had to look away. It was too much. And too unusual for Jasper.

I looked down at my empty drink, frowning. Did my Jasper have a _crush_ on sweet little Alice? Huh. I couldn't wait to tease him about this one.

"Hey, Cullen!"

It was a reflex the way my heart froze in my chest, then started pounding again double-time as I head someone holler that name across the bar. I turned slowly, looking over my shoulder at Embry who was over in the corner with a group of guys I didn't really recognize. He was waving at someone over by where we sat. But it didn't make sense. That name… _still_… it had been five years and I still felt like someone was calling my name whenever I heard it. I took a deep shaky breath, calming my racing pulse and deciding I must have been hearing things again.

"Embry! Hold on two god-damn seconds!"

I looked up slowly at Alice, who was shaking her head and laughing as she flipped off Embry. Embry hollered something back at her and she hopped down off her barstool. "Guess it's back to work for us, Bella," she chimed.

I took a deep breath, trying to get my erratic heartbeat back under control and shoved my hands in my pockets so my shaking wouldn't be so obvious. "Alice, is your last name Cullen?" I asked, slipping out of my chair, trying to be casual but I could feel Jasper's gaze on me, watching me carefully.

"It is," she replied looking a little surprised. "Why?"

I shook my head. "Oh, it's nothing, I guess I just didn't know."

"What, you just assumed I didn't have a last name?" she giggled.

"Yeah, I guess. I don't know." I shook my head and laughed to myself. Alice Cullen… so bizarre. I wondered briefly if it meant anything. But I pushed those thoughts from my head and got to work, because I knew if I didn't I'd think about _him_, and it was never a good time for that.

Jasper, Emmett, and Rose all stayed until last call. I'd stop and chat with them whenever I had a chance, but they actually all seemed to be getting along great. Jasper and Rose's back-and-forth bantering was pretty hilarious, and even Emmett finally loosened up and joined in. I looked back between him and Rose carefully, thinking about what Alice had said yesterday. As much as they seemed to hate each other, there was something about the way they looked at each other that made me think that maybe Alice could have been right. There was obvious tension between the two of them, but it wasn't necessarily _angry _tension. It was farfetched, but there _could _be something there. They seemed too much alike though, it was eerie.

The night flew by in a blur of beer bottles, shot glasses, and classic rock. Jasper and Emmett hung around while Alice and I cleaned up. I watched the way that Jasper stuck to Alice's side as I wiped down tables. They were both engrossed in conversation, and Jasper was laughing – like, really fucking _laughing – _as Alice giggled and danced around as she cleaned. Then Jasper and Emmett walked me home, despite Alice's protests. They didn't seem quite so freaked out by the possibility of wolves and bears as I had. So I reluctantly wedged myself between them as we made our way back to the motel.

I nudged Jazz as we walked and Alice's car took off in the opposite direction. He had his hands deep inside the pockets of his jacket and this stupid, sloppy grin on his face.

"I thought you said you weren't gonna like Alice."

His eyes darted over to me and he chuckled. "I said we'd see."

"Hmph. You shouldn't doubt me, Jazz. I know all."

"She seemed really into you," Emmett agreed.

"Yeah. We're gonna go for lunch tomorrow," he shrugged casually, looking over at Emmett. I could tell he was intentionally avoiding my gaze, the asshole.

My eyes were wide as I stared at him. Jasper didn't… _date_. Not since fucking high school. _Huh. _I blew out a breath, turning my gaze to the sidewalk before me. Jasper's hands shot out to catch me almost a moment before the curb decided to trip me. He still had it.

"Thanks," I giggled, straightening up.

He just shook his head and chuckled. "Sometimes I think you're more coordinated when you're drunk."

"It's possible." I shrugged. "So," I said, trying to keep my tone indifferent. "You have a date."

"I guess I do, yeah."

"Oh."

"What?" he smirked, "Don't you approve?"

"No I do. It's just… you don't date, Jazz."

"Sure I do."

Emmett and I both just laughed because I think it was fairly obvious he was full of shit.

"Well, I guess we officially have one more thing in common," I said jokingly.

"Huh?"

"You're dating a _Cullen_." I was grinning, but on the inside, something just felt _off.  
_

**x.x.x  
**

"Think you can handle soup, Bella?" Alice teased, glancing back at me with her eyebrows raised as she pulled two bowls from the light oak cupboards in her bright, airy kitchen.

"I'll manage," I replied, sticking my tongue out at her from behind her back and scooping up her adorable puppy Clyde and coddling him against my chest.

"Your mommy can be a big fat meanie, you know," I told him seriously.

Clyde barked and licked my face.

"Yeah, you love me, don't you Clyder?"

He yelped again and Alice laughed, turning to face me who two bowls brimming full of minestrone soup. "I think he just loves the fact that you have a giant hole in your lip. You know, I have a bib if you need it."

"I've managed to feed myself relatively well for twenty-some years, I'll be just fine." I set Clyde down and took a seat at the spot on the island where she'd set the bowls.

Alice had finally experienced the full potential of my clumsiness when I'd unintentionally poured and entire beer down my shirt the night before. I'd been waiting for something like that to happen all week. Unfortunately, it was my last clean shirt. I had two choices – spend the afternoon in Port Angeles shopping with Alice, or spend the afternoon at Alice's house doing laundry.

Maybe for the majority of the female population, laundry wasn't the obvious choice, but it sure as hell was for me.

"You know, Jasper did warn me you were a bit of a klutz."

"So that's why you've been keeping an arm-length distance all week," I accused, pointing my spoon at her and narrowing my eyes.

"Well that and," she wrinkled her nose and looked me up and down, "You _really _needed to do laundry."

I rolled my eyes. "Sorry I don't have two walk-in closets packed full of unnecessary clothing."

She just glared at me, and I couldn't help but laugh. One thing I'd learned early on – Alice was serious about her clothes. Like, really, really serious. But as long as she stayed away from my wardrobe, I was content.

When I first showed up at Alice's place just outside of town, she had given me the full tour of her house. It was beautiful – much larger than I expected and completely had Alice's own little artistic flare to it. Everything was light and bright and warm and it really reminded me of home. She'd told me her mother was an interior designer so they'd collaborate on the design scheme. It was beautiful; open and friendly and classy. I was beyond jealous.

She'd showed me her "design room" – a giant white room on the main floor that had cupboard upon cupboard of neatly piled fabrics, giant drafting tables where she did her sketching for her clothing designs, and another long table with three different kinds of sewing machines. I hadn't realized it, but Alice was huge into designing clothes. And her designs were incredible – ranging from everyday shirts to jaw dropping gowns. She truly had an amazing talent.

"Alice, what in the hell are you still doing in Forks working as a bartender when you have a talent like _this_?" I'd asked, picking up a long jersey-dress design she was working on.

Alice shrugged. "I'm waiting for someone," was the only response I could get. Her answer left me confused, but I too mesmerized by the room that I didn't press it further.

She had then led me out to her yard. I hadn't paid much attention to it when I'd first come over as I'd been practically sprinting from Alice's car to the front door through the rain. A hand-laid stone walkway led up to the front entrance, cutting through the greenest grass I'd ever laid eyes on. The back yard was separated by towering trees which enclosed a large, secluded patio which was half covered by a veranda which I could only assume was so that it was still usable on days like today. She had a massive barbeque out back, a black and red cushy patio set, tiki torches ever few feet… And it was so quiet, the only sound the gentle rain falling from the sky as it landed on all the surrounding greenery.

I could see why Jasper liked it here.

Over the last week, Jasper had spent the majority of his the nights over at Alice's. I knew he was reluctant to go at first, but after I promised him a thousand times that Emmett and I could handle ourselves just fine, he'd went. I knew Jazz was concerned about my nightmares - to be honest, I was too. But Emmett had never mentioned anything about my screaming waking him up in the middle of the night, though the man did sleep like a bear in hibernation. Once I convinced Jasper my nightmares wouldn't be an issue, he finally agreed. And he was happy, a giddiness I'd never seen just radiated from the man. Automatically, it made me happy too. It had only been a little over a week but their relationship was picking up speed, and fast.

Alice brought him lunch everyday at the shop; she was all he talked about when he got home, _when _he was home. He'd been spending every free moment with her – hanging out at her house after work and before her shift started, and coming by the bar after her shift and going back to her place. I wasn't jealous, _per say_, but it was an adjustment to say the least. I'd forgotten what it was like for Jasper to have another woman in his life. And it had all happened so fast – we hadn't even been in Forks for two weeks officially. But I was happy for him, because Alice was amazing. I honestly think a little part of me was falling in love with her too.

"_Bella_." Alice's condescending voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked up at her to find her watching me, a frown on her face.

"What?" I asked, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

She gestured at my shirt and I glanced down to find a line of minestrone trailing all the way from the collar to the hem on the bottom.

"How in the hell…?" I murmured, picking off a stray noodle and popping it in my mouth as I reached for a napkin and began absently blotting away the mess.

"I _knew_ we should have waited until after lunch to do your laundry," she groaned. "Come on," she hopped off her stool and I followed her back down the hall to the laundry room, rolling my eyes.

"Alice, this _really _isn't necessary. You just made me all nervous with all your talk about bibs."

Alice giggled, "Well, you might as well toss it in with the rest of your clothes since you're here." She started digging through a pile of clothes next to the dryer and I reluctantly stripped off my t-shirt, inspecting the stain. It wasn't my favorite shirt, and I was sure it would come out, but if it pleased Alice…

She tossed me a grey t-shirt. "It's clean," she assured me. "Although… I doubt it will stay that way."

"I'm not _completely _handicapped," I muttered. "Is this yours?" I pulled it over my head; it hung halfway down to my knees. It was definitely a men's shirt, and I didn't recognize it as being one of Jaspers. And something about the smell was familiar… comforting…

"No, it's my roommate's. He won't miss it, I promise. I think he owns a hundred of those terrible shirts."

"You roommate is a guy?" I asked, kind of surprised because I had actually completely forgotten she'd told me she had a roommate. There was very little evidence in the house that anybody else lived here with Alice, especially a guy.

Alice nodded absently as she started up the machine again. "Yeah. My cousin, actually." I opened my mouth to ask her where the hell she was hiding the allusive roommate-slash-cousin, but her phone rang and she paused, pulling it from her pocket. "Speak of the devil…" she murmured, and her grin grew wider as she flipped the phone open.

"Hey! I was just talking about you! I miss you," she cooed into the receiver.

I heard a deep male voice laugh on the other end of the line and reply something I couldn't make out, and I wandered out of the laundry room back to the kitchen, hoping I could manage finish the soup before Alice got back so I could avoid another incident. I usually wasn't so bad at eating – I think Alice was making me nervous.

I had just brought the last spoonful of soup to my mouth when she came skipping back into the kitchen, and instantly began rambling on about her birthday. Apparently it was coming up in a few weeks.

"You guys _have _to come," she exclaimed, clapping her hands together, "I can't believe I haven't mentioned it yet - he _just _reminded me! We throw it every year at my mom and dad's cabin on the lake, it's about forty-five minutes from Forks, _so _nice, on the beach, it's a huge party… it will be amazing! Jake takes the weekend off, so we don't have to work, and we can stay there all weekend! Oh, Bella, I've just so distracted I cannot believe I didn't tell you."

I raised my eyebrows, trying to absorb her enthusiasm. "That sounds fun."

Alice laughed lightly and shook her head. "Okay, _try _and contain your excitement a little, Bella. Come on, it's my _birthday._"

Okay, so that argument definitely was not the best to use on me. I'd never been a huge fan of birthdays… but for Alice, I would try.

"Sorry," I smiled. "That sounds really cool. And a weekend off? Hell yeah, I'll take it."

"I'm making you a dress!" Alice sang, plopping down on her stool.

"A dress, Alice? Is that really necessary?"

"Absolutely! It's a formal – and I have a great idea for something that will look amazing on you. Wanna know what it is?"

I shook my head slowly. "Um, you can surprise me. Just… nothing too slutty, alright?"

She pouted a little but agreed.

"Don't you have to make something for yourself?" I asked.

"Oh, please, I had mine finished months ago. I _knew _there was a reason for that."

"Lucky for me," I said, trying to hide the sarcasm in my voice.

She giggled, giving me that same love-struck grin Jasper had been wearing all week and went back to eating her soup. I played with Clyde while I waited on her to finish up, instantly deciding that when Jasper and I made it to Canada – if we ever made it to Canada – the first thing I was doing was buying a puppy.

The dryer buzzed, signaling my first load of laundry was dry. I quickly helped Alice with the dishes and slipped off to the laundry room to fold my clothes and throw the second load in. A few minutes later, loud, pounding music was echoing from the kitchen and Alice came sliding down the hallway, skidding to a halt right in front of the door to the laundry room.

"What _is _this?" I asked, practically yelling to be heard over the messy, erratic, bassy music.

She yelled back something that sounded like a mix of sounds and numbers and I just raised my eyebrows and nodded, setting a pair of folded jeans on the dryer. I had no idea if she'd just told me the name of the band or if she was having a stroke.

"You need to expand your musical horizons," she told me, dancing next to me. "Come on, don't you ever just want to _dance_?"

I laughed. "Hey, you saw me pulling out my best moves the other night at the bar."

"Yeah, to _Def Leppard_," Alice pouted. "That doesn't count."

"Sure it does."

"You'll have to dance at my birthday."

She was just making it sound more and more appealing every second.

"_Come oooon_."

I sighed and gave up, because I had a feeling Alice could be extremely persistent. And actually, I knew I wasn't a terrible dancer. I may have been an uncoordinated mess ninety percent of the time, but when it came to dancing, something about it just calmed me. Like a part of my brain just shut off completely, the part of my brain that controlled my sporadic movements, and I could close my eyes and let the music take me.

There's something about music… I swear to God it's like fucking magic.

So Alice and I jumped around and danced while we folded the rest of the clothes. Alice was fucking _beaming_. I had a feeling this was something Rose would never have been into – and if it made Alice happy, hell, I could listen to a few terrible songs and swing my hips around for her. And I was having _fun_. I could only imagine the things Jazz would say about me in that moment, but I honestly didn't care. I couldn't remember the last time I had an honest-to-god _girls_ day. Probably not since I was little and Renee would turn on The Bee Gees and dance me around the living room; and I didn't even know if that counted.

And honestly? The music wasn't _that _bad. I even joined Alice and sang along to a couple songs.

We went outside afterwards so I could have a smoke, and Alice stared out into the yard. "It stopped raining," she noted, and I hadn't even noticed that the drizzle had ceased momentarily, wet drops that clung to the trees were still dropping to the ground. "We should take Clyde for a run or something, get some fresh air."

I looked between her and the cigarette in my hand.

"Uh… Aren't you not supposed to run for like an hour after you eat? Isn't that how you drown?"

Alice just stared at me. "You do realize…"

"Yes. It was a _joke._"

"Oh."

I laughed and shook my head. "Yeah, let's do that. A little exercise probably wouldn't kill me."

Her face lit up. "Okay! I have an extra pair of sneakers for you."

_Oh, so she wasn't kidding… _

"...All right." I gave in, because I truly couldn't think of an excuse not to. It was Friday – Jasper was working, and Emmett was at the shop with him because he'd actually managed to convince Jazz to let him do some work on the Mustang. I know, I was as surprised as anybody. Rose had reluctantly given up a spare spot in the garage so Em could work out of the rain, and after _much _convincing Alice had even let him borrow her car the other day so he could run to town and pick up what he needed.

So Alice gave me a pair of shoes and we headed outside with Clyde yelping excitedly beside us on his leash. The little guy was absolutely adorable – Alice told me she'd adopted him from a shelter a few months ago. She didn't even know what breed he was exactly – something like a cross between a miniature poodle and a golden retriever. I sure couldn't tell, but he was soft and fluffy and cute as hell.

It started raining about halfway through our run, and by the time we got back to the house we were both drenched and laughing our asses off as we raced to the front door. Alice let me use her shower and we cleaned up and got ready together for our shift at The Whiskey. Alice even convinced me to let her straighten my hair and she admired my tattoo. I was seriously beginning to wish I'd gotten it somewhere on the front of my body – somewhere that I could look at it all the time. I was pretty sure I'd forgotten the original sketch at the tattoo shop that night, and it definitely would have been more heartbreaking if I hadn't had a copy inked into the back of my neck.

When she asked me if there was a story behind it, I pretty much gave her the same vague answer I'd given Emmett – a friend from a long time ago drew it for me. She didn't press it, and I was thankful as hell.

We left the house around six-thirty, still laughing and listening to more dance music in Alice's car on the drive over. And because I felt like somehow I owed her for the perma-grin that had been plastered on Jasper's face since he'd met her, I even let Alice do my make-up. I was just truly grateful she hadn't gone overboard. Just a little eye shadow and mascara because according to Alice I had "amazing skin and adorable freckles and there was no way in hell I was covering those up." I'd just laughed and let her do her thing. I'd had an amazing day with her; I felt a little bad for robbing her of her lunch-date with Jasper, but not _too _bad because it wasn't fair for him to hog Alice all the time.

We pulled into the parking lot of the bar singing along to some Lady GaGa song, and I was grinning from ear-to-ear. Sunday would officially be two weeks since the unfortunate Mustang breakdown, but some part of me was feeling smug about the whole thing. I really did believe that some things are just fucking meant to be, no matter what Jasper or Emmett tried to tell me. And I felt more at home here in this strange town of Forks than I had anywhere in the past five years.

**x.x.x  
**

* * *

**A/N: **Am I the only one who is sick of hearing about our dear Alice being described as a pixie? I can promise you, I'll never use that word in this story. Mostly for my sanity, and perhaps yours too.

Also, I posted a picture of cute little Clyder in my profile, just so ya'll know. And shit gets _real _next chapter - finally! I hope you're as excited as I am!

Reviews are sweeter than Alice and Jasper falling head-over-heels in one week. If Romeo and Juliet can fall in love in four days, then so can they.


	7. Collide

_Chapter 7: Collide_

**A/N:** All righty, ladies and gents, hold on to your… um… I don't know… hats?

Yeah, hold onto your hats. If you're not wearing one, go get one, NOW and then come back and read this. You won't regret it. GO!

* * *

**Tell me what I'm supposed to do  
With all these leftover feelings of you  
'****Cause I don't know  
And tell me how I'm supposed to feel  
When all these nightmares  
Become real  
'****Cause I don't know.  
And I don't think you see  
The places inside me that I find you  
And I don't know  
How we separate the lies here from the truth.**

_**Roadside – Rise Against **_

**x.x.x**

**Bella**.

"Should we rock-paper-scissors for who get's to clean up the puke in the bathroom?" Alice called. Her voice came out muffled from the back room behind the bar.

I stuck my head around the corner, brushing a few stray hairs out of my face. "I already got it, Al."

"Really?" her face lit up. "You didn't have to do that. What we really should have done was left it for Jake. Or Mike, the next time he comes in here. Greasy fucker."

I laughed. It had been a _ridiculous _night. I was fairly certain three-quarters of the town were absolutely plastered right now. Mike Newton had downed five shots of tequila in a row on a dare, and didn't make it to the toilet before his stomach decided that tequila really was not the right choice. Jake dragged him out of the bar and directed him towards his house before Alice could have a shot at him.

It was unfortunate, too, because I really would have enjoyed seeing Alice hit someone. Especially Newton. Something told me a black eye would compliment the conceited baby-faced man. He wasn't a bad guy as far as I was concerned, but sometimes you just want to punch someone in the face for no good reason at all. Or perhaps it was just me. But take Emmett, for example. I loved the big brute, but something about him just made me want to sock him right in the throat. It was an unexplainable urge… somehow I knew it would be therapeutic. Maybe he was right – I did have violent tendencies.

"It's all right," I told Alice, shrugging. "You do owe me now, though."

Alice rolled her eyes at me as she starting putting some of the cleaning supplies back where it belong in the storage room. "I let you talk me out of a shopping trip yesterday so you could do laundry," she reminded me.

"Yeah, yeah."

She giggled. "So do you think the guys managed to find their way home?"

"If not, we'll find them curled up on the sidewalk on our way back. They couldn't have gotten into too much trouble."

Emmett and Jazz hard both gotten so trashed they'd gone home hours ago. I was jealous as hell at first, but it soon wore off when I realized how much they'd be suffering tomorrow. Not drinking every night was _changing _me. I felt more mature – and I wasn't sure that I liked it.

I laughed and slipped back behind the bar and began wiping up the back counter, grabbing random glasses as I went and piling them by the washbasin. The bell above the door rang and I sighed, wondering if Jasper actually made it back here like he'd promised as he stumbled home. He'd slurred something about coming to check up on Alice and I, making sure we didn't get mauled or raped or kidnapped or anything equally improbably in this sleepy little town. We'd patted him on the back, humoring the poor guy, and sent him on his way. I had no idea he actually had full intentions of make good on that promise.

I smiled to myself as I finished wiping up the counter. His heart was in the right place, at least. I just hoped to hell he wouldn't pass out here and force Alice and I to carry him back to the motel.

"Anybody know where a guy can get a drink around here?"

_That _was _definitely _not Jasper.

The velvety-smooth voice of the man who'd just walked into the bar sent a shiver throughout my entire body. It was cocky, arrogant, and sexy as hell. I felt my heart-rate speed and I almost laughed out loud in spite of myself. I was so _not _the type of girl who got butterflies simply from hearing a man's _voice. _I flushed and scolded myself for being so absolutely ridiculous. Then I quickly took a deep breath to try and compose myself so I could turn around and tell this man who had a voice that could – and probably _did_ – bring a woman to her knees, that the bar was in fact closed. His footfalls neared me and I turned with a rag and glass in hand to face the man who had entered.

And then… something very strange happened.

As I turned, I smiled with the intention of telling him as politely as possible that he'd have to come back tomorrow for that drink. But the smile slid right off my face the moment I faced him. My jaw fell open and I blanched, my eyes widening in shock. Everything around me came crashing to a complete halt and I found myself looking into a pair of all-too familiar emerald green eyes.

The same green eyes that stared into mine at junior prom as we swayed to the music, looking at me as if nothing else in the entire world existed except us.

The same green eyes that had looked into mine, a long time ago, when the words _I love you_ slipped back and forth between two teenagers who were convinced that love was really all you needed.

The same green eyes that watched me, amused as hell, as I pranced around his bedroom belting out the words to _Free Bird _as I rocked out on the air guitar.

The same green eyes that pulled me into his arms and tickled me 'till I was screaming and then kissed me until I was breathless.

The same green eyes I saw every fucking time I closed my eyes.

The same green eyes that were here, now.

_Here_.

Mother-fuck-me.

It _couldn't _be.

The glass I'd been holding shattered at my feet and I staggered backwards, gripping the counter behind me for support.

"_Motherfucker,"_ was all I managed to choke out before I lost the ability to use words.

A familiar shock went coursing through my body, but it was more intense than anything I'd ever experienced. It felt like I'd slammed my fingers into a light socket. The shock was so forceful it _hurt. _Then suddenly I was jolted back to a different time, in a different place, with a toasty blanket and a endless canvas of stars and a pair of arms wrapped around me with the smoothest voice whispering to me about love, like two seventeen-year-olds could have possibly known what _love _was. But I was there but suddenly I was _here _and so were those eyes and so were those arms and so was that _voice._

But it couldn't be.

It wasn't_ possible._

Not here. Not now.

It had been _years. _But I caught the familiar crooked smirk before it faded from his lips. Even his mop of wild, disarrayed bronze hair was the same.

And he was so much the same but so _different. _The lines in his face had changed, his features were more pronounced. He was older, obviously, but older in such a good way. His face had lost the softness from his teenage years, and he was devastatingly handsome. Devastatingly _perfect. _His perfect square jaw, his full pink bottom lip, shadows of stubble scattered across his jaw, his long dark lashes framing those hypnotizing, emerald green eyes…

If my brain were capable of any rational thought, it would have ordered I reach up and slap myself. Because this couldn't be happening. _This _kind of thing just didn't _happen_ to people. I wanted to reach out, touch him, run my fingers through his hair or the back of my hand down his cheek - I needed evidence that this wasn't just some terrible, realistic dream my brain had conjured up. But instead, my entire body trembled as I stood rooted in spot. I felt, rather than heard something else shatter at my feet and somewhere in the back of my mind it vaguely registered that I had bumped another glass off the counter with my elbow.

I opened my mouth, my voice stuck in my throat. I was dizzy. I was frozen. I was going to be sick. He seemed to be inspecting me with the same recognition, his eyes were wide and his lips parted and moving like he was trying to speak but nothing was coming out. When his eyes narrowed into burning green slits, I tried to take a step back but instead just flattened myself up against the counter.

He knew.

But it _couldn't _be.

There was no fucking way.

_Hewasfuckinghere_.

Neither of us moved or spoke. We were both statues; completely paralyzed as we stared at each other in horror. My legs trembled beneath me and I wondered how much longer I could support my own weight as we stood here in shock staring at each other like we'd seen a fucking ghost.

My mind could only form fragments of the questions I wanted to speak. What? Why? _How?_

_Here?_

And I was saved only by Alice when she sprinted from the back room at the exact same moment my legs gave out from under me.

"EDWAAARD!" She was a blur as she shot past me, finally breaking whatever the fuck was happening between me and the man standing on the other side of that bar.

With a painful jolt that shot up and down my legs, my knees hit the dirty, glass covered tile floor. My head was spinning. I took deep, ragged breaths. My heart froze in my chest.

And then I did what every calm, rational, twenty-two-year-old woman would do.

I hid.

**x.x.x**

**Edward**.

I was seeing a fucking ghost. A fucking very vivid, very real, very _fuckable _ghost. Because there was no other explanation.

And I was pissed because I thought I was past this shit. I thought I'd finally conquered this. And now, here she was, fucking dropping and breaking shit like only Bella could, and looking like fucking _sex_ like only Bella could, and just… looking genuinely goddamn surprised to see me.

And I could _feel h_er there; that pull, that electric current, or whatever the fuck it was between us, and it was so real.

Too real.

_Impossibly r_eal.

It was just so fucking vivid. I could see her and hear her and feel her and I was sure that if I stepped closer I'd even be able to _smell_ her. And if I wasn't so pissed off I'd have given my imagination props, because it was doing a damn fine job. Better than I would have expected, which is fucked up.

Then a tiny bundle of energy launched herself at me, and it snapped me from whatever dream-nightmare-hallucination-bullshit I was experiencing, and when I looked back up, she was gone.

I managed to catch Alice just in time, and breathed a sigh of relief into her neck. _She's gone; it wasn't real. Fucking pull yourself together, Cullen. It wasn't real._

But it didn't make me feel any better. In fact, it scared me a little more. Because I wasn't even _on _anything… and I hadn't seen shit that real in, well, _years. _Not since the real fucking thing.

I didn't know what the _hell _was going on.

I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my fucking out-of-control heart, so I could focus on my reunion with my exuberant little cousin. I had to pull myself together so Alice didn't think I was completely tripping balls. I so did not need her worrying about me again. Things were _finally _fucking good.

"I'm so glad your home!" she squealed, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. She pulled back and grinned, her wide, hazel eyes shining with light. "I missed you so much!" She hopped down and I wrapped my arm around her tiny shoulders, pulling her into my side. My little Alice – the one who could bring a smile to my face on even my worst days. The one who never stopped laughing or moving or dancing. My little sunshine.

The only one who could make me forget.

"I missed you too, Al," I murmured into her black poky hair.

"I _doubt _that," she teased, twirling about and swatting me with a dishrag. "I'm sure _Tanya _kept you plenty busy." She stuck her tongue out and dramatically shuddered when she spoke her name.

"Alice," I smirked, snatching the dishrag from her and snapping it back in her direction. It let out a loud _crack _into the musty air and she squealed and flitted around a table, knocking over a chair. "Come on, she's not that bad."

"She's a filthy whore!" Alice giggled, not bothering to pick up the over-turned chair. "I cannot believe you… ugh." She shivered dramatically. "It's just terrible, Edward!"

I rolled my eyes. "It's not like that, Al."

"Mmmmhmmm…"

"Yeah, whatever." I shook my head, snapping the towel loudly once more back in her direction before spinning one of the wooden chairs around and collapsing into it, straddling it backwards and tossing the towel onto the table before me. And although I tried to stop it, my gaze flitted back to where I'd seen "Bella" standing behind the bar. She was still nowhere to be seen, and for whatever fucked up reason I couldn't decided if I was relieved for disappointed.

"When did you get in?" Alice asked, plopping down onto a chair across from me.

"Just," I sighed, running a hand through my mess of hair. "I was on the way home, and figured Jake probably left you here all alone to clean up and thought I'd drop by and keep you company."

"Oooh, how thoughtful," she teased. "But I'm not here alone tonight!"

"No?" I asked, looking around and rubbing my face tiredly. "Jake's actually here for once?"

"Nope!" Alice exclaimed. "We hired help!"

I raised my eyebrows, letting out a breath. "Oh?"

"Yeah… I don't know where she got to though…" her brow wrinkled in confusion as she looked around. "Bella!"

And then my heart fucking stopped all over again, and I froze, and waited for whatever was about to fucking happen to play out before me. Because I was useless and I was helpless and it just _couldn't be. _

I didn't move.

I didn't even fucking _breathe_.

"Bella?" Alice tried again, and when there was no response she shrugged, "Hm. I could have sworn…. Oh well, she must have gone out back for a smoke. You'll meet her soon enough. She's such a sweet girl, you're going to love her Edward, I just know it."

I let out one short bitter laugh and shook my head. Time started moving forward again, slowly.

It all had to be some kind of coincidence. Because this kind of shit just doesn't happen.

"What?" she asked, raising her eyebrows playfully at my reaction.

"Nothing," I replied, still shaking my head.

"I'm sure she's no _Tanya_," Alice said, interpreting my response all wrong. Then she starting blabbing, like only Alice could, "But she's so great, I think we're going to be great friends. But it sucks because I don't really know how long she'll be here, her and Jasper, her best friend of, like, _forever,_ just kind of travel around and go wherever the wind takes them. I think it's kind of amazing, I mean, imagine all the places they must see! It's kind of all mysterious and romantic… like, not everybody could live a life like that. They're like Bonnie and Clyde, minus all the bank robbery and stuff. Oh and you'll love Jasper too, Edward, he's such a nice guy! He's working over with Rose, and Rose actually likes him! Can you imagine? I mean, Rose doesn't like _anybody._ And they came with this guy, Emmett, and… my God, Edward, so much has happened while you've been gone! And _nothing _ever happens here! But they're all our age and so much fun… and I can't wait for you to meet everybody!"

And I just sat there, kind of in shock as I slowly absorbed her words. But there was absolutely no doubting it anymore. I hadn't seen a fucking ghost or been hallucinating or anything like that... I wasn't crazy. She was fucking here.

Except… I couldn't decide which would be worse.

She was here. And so was _he. _

I just stared at Alice, seeing nothing but red as an image of the southern curly-haired motherfucker flashed before my eyes. I clenched my fists at my side, trying to hold myself in place. Trying to process it all.

"What's wrong, cuz?" she asked, resting her chin in her tiny hand and squinting at me. "You seem… _off_."

I shook myself slightly, trying to purge my head of _them. _Slowly, I forced my self to relax, bringing my hands up and pressing my palms to the hard wood of the table, the tips of my fingers curling in, running along the uneven surface.

"I'm just… tired," I sighed, blinking as my eyes met hers. I flexed my fingers and leaned back and stretched, yawning loudly as if to prove my point. "I've had a long fucking day."

She nodded, but I could tell she didn't completely believe me.

"Want to talk about it?"

I just shook my head and rubbed my face, distractedly realizing how badly I had to fucking shave.

"How's everybody in Seattle doing?" she asked, watching me carefully.

"Good. Carmen and Eleazar are going to be _grandparents, _if you can believe it. I guess Kate and Garrett are having the wedding after the baby comes." I rolled my eyes. Tanya and her fucking horny-ass sisters. Seriously, they were worse than most men I knew.

Her face lit up and she laughed; one of my favorite sounds in the entire world. "Wow, that's exciting! I'll have to give her a call tomorrow." Then her face broke into a wide grin and she jumped to her feet. "So anyway, I've just got a few things left to do here, why don't you go home and get unpacked, I should be right behind you. Then we can have a drink and catch up!"

"You sure, Alice? I really don't mind staying…" It didn't even sound convincing to my own ears.

"Don't be ridiculous, you're exhausted, Edward. Go home. I swear I'll be right there. Okay?" Then she made that stupid pouty face that I just could absolutely not say _no _to, so I nodded and pushed myself off the chair.

I looked around the bar once more before Alice caught me in another long hug. "See you at home," I murmured and she just hugged me harder before releasing me.

The second she let me go, I realized how impossible it was to breathe.

I struggled for a breath and clenched my keys in the pocket of my jacket.

Was the air heavier without Alice around? Had I not noticed this before?

I somehow, blindly, made my way outside. I wasn't seeing anything before me. It was just blackness… and Her.

Bella. Bella Swan. Isabella Marie Swan.

All brown hair, brown eyes, soft, silky, pale, beautiful _Bella_.

It was like I was standing in an endless tunnel of torture.

As soon as I stepped out the door, further from Alice, further from my sunshine, it all really started to hit me. I was trembling, and heard my keys hit the pavement but knew it was useless to try and find them. My fingers found the brick wall of The Whiskey, and I slumped up against it, blinking hard, trying to fucking s_ee_, and wondering if I was having a fucking heart attack or stroke or something. I felt each breath catch in my chest, each ragged inhale shredded my lungs. It felt like all the oxygen in the world would never be enough. There was a ringing in my ears and suddenly I was on the pavement and I was gagging and puking, fucking _puking _because she was here and _this _is what she did to me.

I fucking _hated _her.

I could feel the sweat forming on my forehead and the tears rolling down my cheeks and I didn't fucking care than anybody could drive down the street and see me.

I always knew that woman would be the death of me one day.

I just didn't think it would be today.

And I knelt there on the pavement, with my hands pressed up against the brick wall, my body shaking and choking and convulsing, until I could finally see light and make out shapes around me and I could feel the cool air on the back of my neck and hear cars accelerating and doors slamming somewhere off in the distance in the sleepy little town.

I pulled myself up onto my feet, wiped the tears and shame off my face with my sleeve, and tried to take deep, even breaths. I scooped my keys up off the sidewalk, unlocking my car without looking up in fear that someone had been standing in the shadows watching my beautiful little breakdown.

When I got into my car I stuck my keys in the ignition but didn't start it. I let out a long breath, resting my head against the back of the seat and running my hands through my hair, tugging hard at the roots.

_Fuck. My. Life. _

Was it really possible? Could she really fucking _possibly _be here, living here, working here with my _cousin_ for fucks sakes? It had been _five years_…. Five years since she just fucking disappeared without a trace. Five years and I was finally moving forward with my life. And now _this. _It was fucking sickening.

It took me five years to finally get where I was, and now one moment had changed it all.

What in fucking Jesus Christ was I going to do?

And I wanted to laugh because Alice had unknowingly befriended the girl that she'd grown to hate. Because Alice was the only person who knew what I'd fucking been through over her. Only she didn't know it was _her… _at least, she didn't seem to. Because of that I was hopeful that Bella would keep her mouth shut too. She was a smart fucking girl, but I knew she had to be just as terrified as I was.

And then I slammed the keys forward in the ignition and threw it into drive, accelerating down the vacant street and shaking my head in anger. Because suddenly it hit me. I probably didn't even _have _a fucking problem to worry about anymore.

Bella was a smart girl.

And she was probably terrified.

Bella didn't have a flight or fight instinct; when things got rough she always ran.

And she would probably have her fucking bags packed and be gone by morning.

And I _hated _they way my breath caught and my stomach twisted and my body ached by the mere thought of her leaving.

I wanted to see her smile. Hear her laugh. Just once.

I. Was. Fucked.

**x.x.x**

When I got home, I parked my car in the driveway, grabbed my suitcase from the backseat, and pulled it with me to the back door, leaving it in the porch. I let Clyde out and paced the house, going around flicking lights on and then off again moments later, adjusting the cushions on the couch, picking up shit and putting it back down again. I felt like a fucking robot. My mind was spinning me in circles, unable to pick a direction, one fucking thing to focus on. Her face was there, that ivory skin, those wide, confused brown eyes, pink lips parted as she stared at me with shock. She didn't know I'd fucking be there, that was obvious. I wondered what she was doing, where she'd been, and what the hell she was doing in Forks.

And Jasper was here. Fucking Jasper Whitlock was here. And some other guy… Emmett? Her boyfriend? I groaned at the idea, arranging the coasters in a line on the coffee table.

_But you don't have to worry. She won't be here in the morning, _a small voice said in the back of my mind. My fists tightened into balls, wondering why in the fuck a part of me wanted to go stop her. Or at least go and fucking talk to her. Or drag her into the storage room and fuck her senseless.

Yup, I was fucking fucked.

I turned on the TV, flipped through a few channels, and then switched it off again. I sat down at my piano, began punching at random keys, and then stopped. I exhaled deeply and groaned, falling forward, my forehead crashing into the ivory keys with a disturbing noise that mimicked exactly how I felt.

"What the _fuck_," I growled, my head falling to the side so my cheek rested on the keys. _"Fuck!" _

The house was dark, silent, a huge contrast to how my week in Seattle had been. That place was hectic. And I was so looking forward to coming home and relaxing for a few days. But now my mind was as busy as the Seattle streets, and I might as well have been back there in the middle of the hustle and bustle with how I was feeling.

I sat there with my face glued to the piano for I don't even know how long, until I heard Alice's car pull up and then the jingle of her keys as she opened the door. The tinkle of Clyde's collar followed after her, and then I heard his paws padding on the hardwood floor.

"Hello!" Alice called, closing and locking the door behind her.

"Hey," I mumbled, lifting my face up and rubbing it with my palms. The keys had most likely left some pretty sweet marks on my face.

She peeked her head inside the living room before dropping a few bags off on the counter in the kitchen. "Aw, were you cuddling with your piano again?"

"Yeah," I scoffed, getting to my feet and stretching. I rubbed my face again, following her into the kitchen. "What's this?"

"Oh, Rose wanted me to do some alterations for the dress she's gonna wear for my birthday party. I figured it would be a good Sunday afternoon project, unless you wanted to head out to the lake tomorrow. Esme and Carlisle are there for the weekend."

It was tempting, but I shook my head. "No, that's fine. I just got home, I doubt I'll feel like trekking out there tomorrow."

"All right." She hopped up on the counter and faced me, a pink water bottle between her hands. "You hungry? I picked up a pizza earlier, it's in the freezer."

"Yeah, sure." I wasn't hungry, but the only time Alice mentioned food was when she was hungry, and I knew that she normally didn't get a chance to eat anything once her shift at the bar started. So I padded over to the oven and turned it on to preheat, and slid the box of pizza out of the freezer. "Mmmm Hawaiian, you must love me."

Alice giggled. "Nope, I just love pineapples."

"Funny."

"I thought so."

I leaned up against the counter, facing her. Clyde ran a few circles around me, then plopped down on the floor beside me feet. "Aw," I said, nudging Clyde with my foot, "Somebody had a big day."

"Yeah, me and Bella went for a run yesterday, and we brought Clyder with us. Figured it wouldn't hurt the mutt to get some real exercise for once. Except I think he's still recovering."

I tried to force a smile. "Yeah."

"Oh, and I invited Bella back here for drinks so you all could get acquainted."

I turned my back, pretending to be preoccupied with opening up the pizza box, trying to not show her how much that simple statement was affecting me. "Oh?"

"Bella's not feeling well, I guess. Maybe tomorrow or something."

_Of course. _

"Yeah, maybe."

"She's really cool."

"I bet." I bit my tongue, trying to stop myself from asking Alice all about her, begging her to tell me what she was like now, what kind of music she listened to, how long her hair had gotten, how often she laughed… I wanted to know everything about her, every last detail. But I didn't, because that was exactly the kind of shit I _didn't _want to know.

"And… Edward?"

I turned to face her, balancing the pizza on my palm. "Hm?"

Her smile grew, and she glanced down, almost shyly. "Umm… Just to warn you…" She blew out a breath, looking up at me with a small smile on her lips. I watched her curiously, wondering what in the hell had Alice Cullen so frazzled. She took in a deep breath, and then spewed out, "Jasper and I kind of, well, we're kind of dating in a way that's not totally dating because I don't _date_, but I really like him a lot. Like, _a lot,_ a lot… and I really, _really _hope you do too…"

I felt my eyes widen in shock, and I felt my hand slip as I fumbled to catch the pizza. When I had it secured I set it on the counter for safe measure and turned back to Alice, who was watching me with apprehensive, hopeful eyes.

She was fucking _dating _Jasper fucking Whitlock?! Jasper the fucking douche bag and my _cousin_?! What in the _Christ_? My mouth fell open as I just stared at her, doing my best to mask my horror, but I had a feeling I wasn't doing that great of job.

"Are you… are you serious?" I gasped finally, and instantly her gaze dropped.

"Is it that crazy?" she mumbled. "I know he just came into town… and I know he's, like, some drifter or whatever… but you don't even know him."

I groaned internally, feeling terrible. I went to her side, standing right in front of her and placing my hands on her knees.

"Al," I said softly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to react like that. It's just surprising, that's all. I didn't think I was gone _that _long." I chuckled humorlessly. "And you're right, I – I don't know him so…" I couldn't even force the words out of my mouth. So I just stopped.

"He makes me really happy," she said, looking up at me, frowning slightly. "Like, enormously so. Happier than I've been in _years _Edward. I really like him."

"No, Al, that's… great," I said, trying to sound earnest. Because I could tell, that even as she spoke about him, she brightened. Her frown was erased, and there was a sparkle in her eye that I hadn't ever seen before.

I reached out, wrapping her tiny body in a hug, and she hugged me back, holding me tight. I stared at the ceiling, wondering what fucking kind of god would do this to a good, hardworking person. This was sick, all of it.

"I just have been so excited for you to come home, I want you to meet him. It makes me so nervous, which is crazy, but it's really important that you like him, E."

I pulled away from her, nodding.

"If you like him Al, I'm sure I will too."

She beamed, puffing out her chest. The girl was radiating happiness. "I _know_ you will, Edward."

I ran my hands through my hair just as the oven beeped. Clyde jumped to his feet and began barking at the noise. I rolled my eyes, shoving him away with my foot as I placed the pizza on the top rack of the oven.

"When are we going to teach him that the oven is not a threat?" I asked.

Alice giggled. "He thinks he's all tough, protecting us from kitchen appliances. I almost hate to burst the poor guy's bubble."

I glanced down at the poor mutt, shaking my head. "I'm gonna go roll a joint. You want in?"

She sighed. "No thanks, Edward."

"All right. Your loss."

"I bet."

I grinned at her as I backed out of the kitchen, grabbing my stash from my suitcase and then heading out to the back patio. I collapsed under the veranda, in a low seating patio chair, and pulled the table forward until it touched my knees. I lit a smoke first and puffed away at it as I busted up the weed and rolled a pinner on the slick surface of the table with shaking hands.

I hadn't felt this fucking un-nerved in a long time. Usually I was so good at keeping my shit together. But tonight I felt like I'd stepped into this fucking entirely new dimension; like I was living in an alternate universe. Shit like this just didn't happen. Not to me, not to _anybody_. And I didn't know what the fuck to do.

I finished my cigarette and put it out in the ashtray, then lit the very poorly rolled joint. It looked like garbage – and I normally prided myself on my joint rolling abilities. Her being here, in this very same fucking town, probably not even that far down the road, was seriously ruining me.

And it'd all started out so normal. A long day in Seattle followed by a peaceful ferry ride and then couple hour drive back home was something I could do in my sleep. Sometimes it felt like something I did in my sleep. It was monotonous, easy, familiar. I'd decided to stop by the bar to keep Alice company, to lend a hand, maybe have a beer and try to unwind after a hectic weekend. That wasn't unusual either. Usually the poor girl was left there all by herself to clean up after a long night of bartending, and I'd come by when I could to help. The door was unlocked, like it usually was, and I let myself in the front. But that's when it ended; when my world came to a complete halt.

I saw her; long, flowing brown hair. She was behind the bar and had her back to me, but her sexy, girlish curves were still visible. I was surprised, because it was obviously not Alice, and at first I thought maybe it was Jessica Stanley for some reason, but the girl behind the bar, she was too tall, too slim, her hair too smooth and shiny, so I ruled that out quickly. I didn't know who the hell it was. And instantly I'd turned on the charm. It was my fucking nature. I smiled that crooked grin that girls loved, and asked her if she knew where a guy could get a drink. Not one of my smoothest lines, but something about the mysterious girl had rattled me slightly. And I saw her tense up at the sound of my voice. My smirk grew as she hesitated, turned, and shattered my world into a thousand different pieces.

It took a moment for my brain to catch up to what my eyes were seeing. The smile on her lips slowly slid off as her eyes widened and she searched my face, looking frantic, terrified. But it took me longer. It felt like I stood there for hours, just staring, trying to piece it all together. Those eyes, those lips, the hair, it was all so much the same, but so entirely different. Maybe it was because she looked older, her round face had hardened with age. The Bella I always saw was younger; seventeen and so naïve and lovely. But the girl standing before me was actually not a girl at all. She was a woman. Gone was the soft-spoken, shy, insecure girl I knew. Now she stood taller, she held her head higher, and there was a certain maturity evident behind those endless brown eyes. She'd seen things I never would, experienced things I couldn't even fathom. Five years… five years and she was so much the same, but so, so different. Then I tried speaking her name, and I could feel my lips moving, but I was certain nothing was coming out. My breath was caught in my throat.

_Bella. _

I shook my head, hacking out a lungful of smoke. My eyes watered as I tried to exhale all my thoughts of her with every deep cough. I was just torturing myself, sitting here, thinking of her. It was useless and pointless and painful.

She was going to leave. I _needed _her to leave. Her, Jasper, and this whole entire mess needed to pack the fuck up and leave town before it got any harder.

But then I thought of Alice, her sparkling eyes and permanent, silly grin. The distant look in her eyes, of being there, but being somewhere entirely else at the same time. I knew that look; I knew that smile. I knew it, but I'd never seen my cousin wear it before. And it broke my fucking heart because out of all the fucking people in the world, Alice deserved happiness. And she had found it, suddenly and unexpectedly, in the arms of the last person that I ever could have imagined. Or wanted.

Alice didn't exactly date. She'd never had a serious boyfriend; she'd never been in love. And I had never fucking seen such a bright and shining light in her eyes.

With a loud, frustrated groan, I realized that if I took that away from her, I'd hate myself forever.

I could only hope to fucking God that her and Jasper weren't as serious as I suspected. I had only been gone, what, two weeks? But the one thing I did know about love, is that it came out of nowhere, knocked you off your fucking feet, and left you completely helpless. Love did not care about time. It could happen instantly, or it could grow slowly over the years. But it was something we couldn't fucking control, no matter how badly we wanted to.

Just like this fucking situation – so far out of my reach. A part of me told me to get the fuck out, jump in the car and speed back to Seattle. Get as far away from this mess as I could. But another part of me, a deeper part, wanted to stay. Wanted to see how this played out. Wanted to stand face to face with Bella Swan and tell her what I really fucking thought of her.

And if I left… it would make me no better than her. And I was not willing to sink to that level.

_If _they stayed… I didn't know what to think if they stayed. How long could I avoid her? How long could I look at her without screaming the words I needed so badly to say to her? Let her see how she had _destroyed _me. Rip open my chest and show her my withering, black heart. She had done this to me. She fucking _broke _me.

Could I pretend that she meant nothing to me? That her and Whitlock were nothing more than two complete strangers who had drifted into the small town I now called home?

Except, it wasn't a question at all. I already knew what I had to do.

Nobody could know about us. Because I couldn't handle it any other way. She would be like any other girl to me – she would be _less _than any other girl to me. She had to be.

We didn't have a history. Because that was not _Bella _I'd seen back at the bar, not really. She was no longer the innocent, beautiful girl who had captured my heart. She was a monster who didn't care about me. A monster who could leave me with _nothing. _

And Alice… oh, if Alice only knew that the girl who had turned me into this hateful abomination I had become, was _here_… well, things would never be the same again.

I smoked the rest of the joint and left the roach sitting in the ashtray. I wondered if she'd been here, sat exactly where I was sitting now. Alice had mentioned something about Bella going outside for a smoke when we'd been back at the bar… she smoked? We had as teenagers, if you could even consider it smoking. I'd steal the odd cigarette from my old man's half-empty packs and we'd hide out somewhere and share it, like we were the biggest fucking rebels in the world. But did she still? I hoped not, because she was better than that.

_No, she isn't _a voice in the back of my mind reminded me. _She left you with nothing… nothing but a scrap of paper and fading memories. _ _She doesn't care about you, why should you give a fuck about her?_

I shook my head forcefully and ran my fingers through my hair, expelling a loud, frustrated groan. I think one of the first signs of going crazy is arguing with yourself… right?

I didn't know. I wished I didn't care… but if I truly didn't, then I wouldn't be sitting here, tormenting myself over it.

…Would I?

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

_ Cullen._

I chanted the name over in my head.

_Alice Cullen. _

_ Edward Cullen. _

The names twisted around in my brain, taunting me, tormenting me.

They were cousins. _How _had I not put two and two together?

I racked my memory for something, _anything_, that explained the situation. I could not for the life of me remember Edward _ever _mentioning anything about having a cousin. It just… wasn't there. He didn't talk about his family.

But he _had _to have mentioned it… right?

I didn't even fucking know anymore. All that I was certain of was that seeing him, tonight, had shocked the fucking hell out of me. A part of me was still wondering if it was actually real or if I was experiencing one of the most vivid, cruel dreams of my life.

My fingers found the back of my neck as I walked.

I was never supposed to see him again.

When I'd left… well, the last time I'd seen him… _fuck _it was so hard to think about.

One second our lives were perfect, happy, laughing, loving… and one day, it was like a light switch had been flipped. And with it, my world spun upside down.

Edward had broken up with me. Out of seemingly fucking _nowhere. _We were less than a month from graduation, at a party, and he'd pulled me aside…

I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut, stop the memories from rushing back in… but it was useless now.

I remembered few things about that night.

We'd been at a party, a bonfire, on the beach. We were both drinking… Jasper was going to come pick us up later that night. My fingers on one hand had been wrapped around a warm bottle of Boones, the fingers of my other hand laced with his as we mingled and laughed with friends. It was just one the verge of summer, and we were seventeen. And everything was perfect. You could taste the freedom and the excitement in the air, finals only weeks away. It was almost exactly five years ago. If I thought about it, maybe it was even _exactly _five years ago. The beginning of June… on the brink of graduation.

He'd squeezed my hand and led me away from the party, to somewhere more private. I remembered the look in his eyes. It was something I'd never be able to erase. He looked so… fucking… _scared. _So terrified. That night his eyes weren't the warm shining emeralds I was so used to seeing. They were icy; frozen over into hard, cold rocks. And I didn't understand until he looked down at me and looked right into my eyes, his face blank and cold, and told me he wanted to break up. Told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. Told me he didn't love me anymore.

Simple as that.

There was no hesitation in his voice, no emotion. He shrugged and dropped my hand and said good-bye.

And he'd turned around and simply walked away like nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all.

It was the last time I ever touched him.

He'd left me alone in the cool sand in the dark, away from the party, away from the fire. And there I collapsed, waiting for someone to come tell me it was all a joke. Because I'd been with Edward for two years, and the last I'd checked, we were both madly in love.

But he never came back. He never even fucking looked back.

I don't know how long I waited… how long I sat there thinking he would be back with that lopsided grin on his face telling me he was joking. Because it couldn't be _real. _Because I loved him… I loved Edward more than anything in my life.

And he had left me.

Just like that.

When I reached the door to the hotel room, I didn't even realize I was crying until I wiped my face with the back of my hand and it came back damp. I took a deep breath, and exhaled shakily. A sob caught in my throat.

I had somehow managed to convince Alice to let my walk home by myself – a huge feat, I know, considering I claimed not to be feeling well. But she seemed anxious to get home to… to her _cousin_, so she hadn't been near as persistent as I was expecting. And I was glad, because I needed time to clear my head and figure out what the hell I was going to tell Jasper.

What the hell _was _I going to tell Jasper?

**x.x.x**

* * *

**A/N: **Sooo… Worth the wait? And believe me, I know their reactions may seem a little melodramatic, but remember that there are two sides to every story ;)

Some good E&B interactions coming up next chapter. Yes, they actually speak words to each other. Well, maybe speak isn't _quite_ the right way to put it.

As always, your reviews mean the world to me. Especially for this chapter. I really, really want to know what you thought. Hope I didn't disappoint.


	8. Hide and Seek

_Chapter 8: Hide and Seek_

**Someone finds salvation in every one,  
Another, only pain.  
Someone tries to hide himself  
Down inside he prays.  
Someone swears his true love  
Until the end of time,  
Another runs away.  
Separate or united  
Healthy or insane. **

_**Be Yourself – Audioslave**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

I cried. I fucking cried. It had been… _so long _since I'd cried and now here I sat, curled up in the corner of my bed, fucking sobbing and shaking and blubbering over _him. _

I'd been up for hours, running each and every possible solution to this mess over and over in my head. For each alternative I imagined the conversations Jasper and I would have, that Alice and I would have, that Alice and Jasper would have. Over and over and over again.

I considered my first and most obvious alternative: leaving. But what would happen if we left? We'd buy a new car with the little money we had saved up. I'd be able to convince Jasper to sell the Mustang and use the money he'd stolen from Tim, and we'd buy a car that could get us to the border, and we'd never look back.

I knew Jasper would do this for me. He'd sell his Mustang, his beloved car, so that I could run.

So that we could run.

Because we always did.

If I said the words, we would leave. There wouldn't be a choice to make. Because that's just how it worked.

Except… I _couldn't _do that to Jazz. We had been through a lot together… the only constant we had in our lives besides each other was that car. I never hid my dislike for the car, though I claimed it was because of the amount of times it had gotten us stranded in the middle of nowhere. But that wasn't the only reason... and that Mustang meant more to Jasper than he'd ever let on.

Because it was his father's dream car.

And somewhere, deep down, there was a part of Jasper, a twelve-year-old version of Jasper who would still do anything for his father's approval. And maybe Jasper's dad had been a complete asshole who had ruined his sons childhood… there was still a part of Jazz who would do anything to please his old man; make him proud. And that's exactly what the Mustang was.

I resented the car because of that. But Jasper had sacrificed so fucking much for me over the years… And as badly as I wanted to, I knew I just couldn't.

That option left me hating myself. Because Jasper didn't want to leave, and Jasper didn't want to sell his car, and because Jasper liked Alice. And I couldn't ask him to leave her behind. He was so happy here, and I just couldn't do it.

So… what if _I _left. Could I do it? Could I leave Jasper here? He could be happy with Alice. And he would sort out his differences with Edward eventually. But what would I do? What would I do without Jasper? Would Emmett come with me? Could I leave to a different country, with a man a hardly knew, and leave my best friend behind?

That option left me far too lonely, the unknown was much too frightening. I didn't know. I didn't know if Jasper would even _let _me go. But I could take the money, a little over a thousand, Jasper had said... and I had tip money from the past week. It would be enough to get myself a decent car, or even a bus pass, and make a run for it. Jasper wouldn't even have to know before I was too far gone.

Maybe it would break his heart, but maybe it was what was best for us both in the long run.

But I couldn't… just could not imagine my life without Jasper. I didn't want to ask him to leave, and I couldn't leave him behind.

But what was left? For us to _stay_? Stay in Forks, and maybe when the Mustang was up and running again we would figure it all out. It would only be a few more weeks maybe. I could avoid Edward for a few weeks. Sure I worked with his cousin, and my best friend was dating his cousin and the town was small as hell… but it's not like it was impossible. I was certain he'd be avoiding me too, so it probably wouldn't even be _that _hard.

"Bella?"

Someone murmuring my name snapped me from my thoughts. I looked across the room to find Jasper propped up on his elbow, staring at me in confusion. He rubbed his face, as if he wasn't sure if he was awake or dreaming.

"S-sorry," I said softly, my voice shaking. "Did I wake you up?"

He shook his head slowly. "What's wrong?"

I felt a fresh round of tears building, and I just shook my head, not trusting myself to talk. He didn't even have to speak, he just slid over, making room for me and I crawled over to his bed. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me as I cried into his chest.

"Bella," he said gently, smoothing my hair off my forehead. "Sweetheart, what's wrong? What happened?"

I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to tell him. I just squeezed my eyes shut and bawled up the fabric of his shirt in my fist, wishing I would just wake the fuck up already. Wake-up, wake-up, wake-up...

"Bella?"

There was a desperate edge to his voice. This wasn't a fucking dream, and he was getting worried… I opened my mouth, nearly choking on the words.

"_It's just… Edward_."

I felt him sigh lightly, pulling me closer against him. I breathed in his soothing scent, musky and slightly leathery and just so _Jasper. _It calmed me, if only slightly.

"Hey, sweetheart, it's okay. It was just a dream," he murmured soothingly. If I wasn't so hysterical, I may have laughed. I fucking _wished_ he was right.

"No," I said, pulling away and wiping my tears with the back of my hand. I drew in a deep, shaky breath. "It wasn't a dream, Jazz. He's… he's here. In Forks."

It took a few moments for the words to register, but his eyes snapped to my face, immediately searching my gaze in confusion. "What do you mean he's _here?" _

"Edward Cullen," I said meekly, "Is Alice's cousin."

Jasper froze. His hand that was stoking through my hair halted its movement, his grey eyes stared into mine in shock. I watched him, waiting, counting in my head as I waited for him to react. I got to about eighty before his hand finally slid down my face to my cheek.

"But that's not… possible," he finally breathed. He shook his head and rubbed his face. "How…?"

"He came by the bar."

"Not a dream?"

"Not a dream."

"And Alice is his cousin?"

"Yep."

"_Christ_," he breathed. "Does Alice… _like _him?"

I snorted. "As a cousin? Seems so, yeah. I mean, she was pretty damn excited to see him when he showed up."

He let out a soft breath. "_Oh. _Um… okay."

"Yeah, I mean, it's okay. Let me tell you, he was _so _excited to see me." I couldn't believe I had the ability to be sarcastic at a time like this. Maybe it would have been more convincing if I didn't have fresh tears on my face.

Jasper just slowly shook his head in disbelief. "If he's Alice's cousin… he's not the one that…" He looked up at me helplessly.

"Lives with her? Yup, that'd be the one. Fantastic situation we have ourselves in, no?" My voice had a slight hysterical edge to it. I swallowed the lump that was building in my throat.

Jazz's jaw dropped a little, his forehead creased as he continued to shake his head slowly in disbelief. I could tell he was still trying to wake himself up, make his brain process information through his drunken haze.

"Did he… did he see you?"

I nodded. "We had a pretty intense stare-down… didn't exactly exchange any words."

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry."

"Jazz, it's not your fault."

"I at least could have been there."

"I _really _think it was a good idea that you weren't."

He sighed, raking a hand through his tangled curls. "Yeah, you're probably right. Alice would be one cousin short if I were."

"Yeah and that's probably not the right way to win over her heart."

Jazz sighed again and just stared at me. "So…"

This was when I was supposed to say it. Those two words that would set e_verything _in motion. He was expecting it. Hell, I was expecting it. But I couldn't. I wouldn't.

"So," I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. Nobel, self-sacrificing and all that. It went against every one of my instincts but I said, "It's going to be okay."

His brow furrowed. "You don't…"

I shook my head. "We're not going anywhere."

His confusion was growing. "But-"

"It's been a long time, Jazz. He's moved on, I've moved on." _Lies. _"We're all adults here, it's going to be fine."

"Fine?" he spat back at me, shaking his head. "I wake up to you in hysterics and you shrug and tell me it's going to be _fine_?"

"To be fair… you weren't supposed to wake up."

He muttered something under his breath, clearly not amused.

"I was shook up. I mean, it surprised the fucking hell out of me, seeing him."

"I'd imagine."

"What's the worst that could happen?" I asked softly. "We fight? We say horrible things to each other? We make every body else uncomfortable? It's not the end of the world, Jazz." I just wished that it didn't sound so much like I was trying to convince myself.

"I swear to fucking god, if he so much as _looks _at you wrong-"

"_Jasper_."

"No, Bella. You wouldn't let me kick his fucking pussy ass five years ago, but I'd love a reason to do it now."

"You are _not _going to touch him, Jazz."

"Why _not_?"

"Think of Alice."

He glared at me, his expression torn.

"We'll be the complete strangers that everyone thinks we are, and it'll be fine."

"_How_?"

"How what?"

"How do you expect me to look into his fucking face and pretend that he didn't just rip your heart out and fucking walk away? How can I look at him, after _everything _you've been through – we've been through – and pretend like it never happened? How can _you_?"

I felt the familiar tugging in my chest, the painful throb of my heart, the aching, gaping hole… I tried to push the feeling away. If I was going to do this, I had to be strong.

"If you want to stay, and I know you do, Jazz, then you'll just have to. Do it for Alice. Do it for me."

His eyes narrowed, as the realization hit him. "Is this why you're doing this? For me?"

"I _like _seeing you happy, Jazz_." _

"Bella," he chuckled softly. "I'm happy with you."

"Yes, but I can't be everything. What if this is your chance? Your somebody?"

He just sighed and shook his head. "You're a hopeless romantic, you know. Despite how hard you try and hide it."

I just smiled, thankful he wasn't arguing the point. "I know."

He laid his head back down on the pillow, looking up at me with eyes brimming with concern. "I'll do as you ask, Bells. On two conditions."

I sighed. "All right."

"One, he doesn't touch you. I will _not _sit back and watch you get hurt again. And if he does anything, _anything_ to upset you, or hurt you, make you cry… if he makes you feel even the smallest amount of pain, I get to knock him out, and we leave."

"Jazz-"

"Bella." His voice was steely, and I knew that there was no arguing it. "If you can't agree to that, then we leave tomorrow."

"It's really not going to be necessary."

"Just agree."

I blew out a breath, nodding. "Okay," I said quietly, then curled up on the bed beside him. I couldn't tell Jasper, but it was too late for the second condition. Because simply looking into his eyes caused me more pain than I thought possible.

I watched his eyes flutter close, and he draped his arm around my waist, pulling me back into his side.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah?" he murmured, not opening his eyes.

"I just want you to know… I blame this all on the Mustang."

He let out a laugh, his hand found my hair and ruffled it slightly.

"Maybe the Mustang blames this all on you."

Maybe he was still really drunk after all.

**x.x.x**

**Edward**.

"Edward, you _have _to come."

I rubbed my face, reminding myself silently once again that I seriously had to shave, and leaned up against the doorframe in Alice's bathroom.

"I'm tired, Al. I don't feel like going out tonight."

_"Edward_," she whined, pulling the flatiron from her hair and jutting her lower lip out at me in the mirror. "You've been gone for two weeks, you've been sleeping all day, and I miss you. Come on, it's Sunday and it's cold so we won't be that busy. I want you to meet everybody. _Please_, cousin."

I sighed and banged my head back into the corner of the doorframe. Fucking _ow. _

"_Alice_…"

"What do you have to be such a baby all the time?" she grumbled, going back to working on her hair.

I crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm not being a baby."

"Then what's your problem?"

"I _told you," _I growled, clenching my fists into balls and reminding myself it wasn't Alice I was mad at.

"Fine," she snapped. "But it would have meant a lot to me, Edward."

_Fuck. _When the hell did the tiny ball of sunshine become so damn _manipulative?_ I let out a noise that sounded like a half sigh, half growl. But I knew what it meant – I'd given in, just like I always did. Because there wasn't a fucking thing I wouldn't do for Alice.

"What time should I be there?"

She glanced back at me, fighting a smile. Damn woman _knew _I would cave. "Whenever. Jake will be there; maybe we can all hang out after everybody leaves. And go have a _nap _if you're really worried about making it." She made a face at me in the mirror.

I rolled my eyes at her and started backing out of her bedroom. I really was fucking tired because I may have been holed up in my room all day, but I hadn't been fucking sleeping. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was long, flowing auburn hair and deep caramel orbs staring back at me. And it was different than it usually was, because it was real. It wasn't a five-year-old memory that I saw. It was fresh. And vivid. How she looked right fucking now.

I wished I didn't know.

Over and over, I saw that look on her face: first the recognition and then the horror. A look that probably exactly reflected mine.

I reached under my shirt and rubbed my stomach just as it growled. The only reason I'd come upstairs was for some cereal, and now Alice had me conned into going to The Whiskey tonight. Which meant… seeing _her. _

_Perfect_.

I knew I should have just fucking stayed in bed until after she left.

Over the course of my restless night and afternoon, I'd decided one thing: it would only be worse if I didn't face it. Every day I didn't, it would be that much harder to keep up the façade. That much harder to pretend… Still didn't mean I _wanted _to.

I slammed the cupboard door closed harder than I had intended and set the box of Cheerio's forcefully down on the counter. I'd been resisting the urge to punch something all fucking day. I had way too much pent-up aggression for just getting back from vacation.

I put on some music and turned it up until my ears hurt and took a seat at the kitchen counter and ate my cereal slowly. I needed something to drown out the thoughts of my over-active brain. Something to cloud my memory of the night before. Something to distract me from the aching in my chest. I focused on the loud, screeching metal of the music, trying to keep my mind from wandering as I slowly picked away at my Cheerios.

I didn't hear or see Alice until she leapt up on the tall counter in one swift motion and seated herself right next to my bowl. I looked up at her, scowling, and she just laughed.

"What is this?" she practically screamed over the sound of the music. She put her hands over her ears and pouted slightly. Alice didn't like anything you couldn't pole-dance to.

"Killswitch Engage," I called back to her.

She said something in reply which I didn't hear, and I reluctantly picked up the remote and turned it down.

"Huh?"

"It's so… _angry._"

I shrugged. "It's therapeutic."

"_Ugh_. Go nap cranky pants. I'll see you in a bit, alright?" She scooped a handful of Cheerio's from the box and hopped off the counter. The little midget was practically vibrating with excitement. I'd never seen her so fucking _eager _to get to work. I tried my best to smile genuinely but I had a feeling it still looked like a scowl.

She ruffled my hair as she danced towards the door, throwing her hair around in a terrible attempt to head-bang to the music. I fought back a grin and shook my head as she disappeared around the corner.

Sometimes I just wished Alice didn't have to be so damn _good _all the time. It would sure make me feel better about being such a fucking dick.

**x.x.x  
**

By the time I pulled up in front of The Whiskey, it was getting close to eleven. I'd put it off for as long as I possibly could. Alice had been right – the parking lot was practically deserted. I spotted Rose's red Mercedes and Jake's bike amongst the few other cars scattered in the dark lot. I popped a piece of mint gum in my mouth as I put my car in park and slowly stepped out into the chilly evening. It wasn't raining today, but it was misty and cold as fuck, the damp air felt like ice against my skin. I walked slowly, feeling as if I was treading through heavy water, trying to keep my fucking heart from pounding out of my chest. The joint I'd smoked on the way over here was doing fuck all to calm my nerves.

I pulled open the door and stood in the entrance of the bar for a moment, taking in a deep breath. The place was warm, the lighting dim and the air slightly hazy. I ran a hand through my hair as my eyes danced slowly around the room, taking in my surroundings.

At first, I didn't see her. My eyes focused in on a table where _he _sat, his profile to me. He was grinning and sipping a beer, and he was everything that I remembered. Same fucking blonde curly hair, the same smile on his face that I wished I could wipe off with my fucking knuckles, the same mysterious emotion brewing in his grey eyes, like he was seeing something all the time that the rest of us weren't. He was leaning back in his chair like he was the king of the fucking world. And in his lap was a laughing Alice. _My _Alice. The anger in my chest hit me unexpectedly and hard_. _I wanted to go over there and rip his fucking arms for even touching her. It was only the look on her face that stopped me. She was grinning from ear to ear, her fingers of one hand intertwined with his, that fucking sparkle in her wide hazel eyes. She looked _so _happy. It put me at ease, if only slightly. For a moment I almost forgot what exactly had me so fucking anxious. But it was one short, short moment.

Because then my gaze shifted, and my eyes fell upon _her. _

She was standing at a table at the back of the room, serving drinks. And she was laughing. Her entire face was lit up, her lips pulled up into the biggest of smiles, long lashes fluttering against rosy cheeks, one hand on her flat stomach, the other balancing a round brown tray. She was laughing and sparkling like a perfect angel, hair in long waves down her back, her skin glowing in the dim lighting of the bar.

And god… she was so fucking beautiful.

"See, I _told you _he'd show!"

I unwillingly drug my gaze away from Bella to Alice, who had suddenly appeared at my side, bouncing and looking up at me with a huge smile. The smile faltered when she looked into my eyes.

"You smoking _again, _Edward?" she huffed, like she was my fucking mom and I'd committed the ultimate sin.

I leaned down. "Desperate times, Al," I murmured in her ear. She only gave me an exaggerated eye-roll and linked her arm through mine.

"What do _you _have to be so desperate about? Come on, I have introductions to make."

"Great." If she detected my sarcasm, she sure didn't show it.

I snapped my gum as she led me to the table where Jasper, Rose, Jake and some other guy – Emmett? – sat. I immediately glanced over at Jasper, who suddenly seemed to be very angry at the label on his beer bottle, his eyes narrowed as he picked away at the damp paper.

"Jazz, Emmett, this is Edward."

The big guy stood up and held out his hand, a wide grin stretched across his face. "Edward? Isn't that, like, a grandpa's name?"

"Actually, it's my fathers. Emmett, right? Isn't that, like, a redneck's name?"

He let out a loud laugh, thank fucking god because I had a feeling that if I offended him there'd very few recognizable pieces of my body left to bury.

"Touché."

He shook his head, still grinning, and slapped my back before plopping back down into his chair. I couldn't help but chuckle as I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair, nodding towards Rose and Jake. Jasper still hadn't looked up, and I was glad because I was afraid that if I had to look into that motherfucker's eyes I'd deck him right across the face. My firsts curled at the thought. I wondered what Alice would think if I just randomly knocked out her new _boyfriend. _

Jasper and I… well… we had our differences – a lot of them. We had clashed right from the very beginning – something about the dude just ground on my nerves., He was Bella's best friend, and yeah, it was hard to accept that my girlfriend's best friend was a dude who _lived _with her… but I managed. That was never really the issue. It was more the way he treated Bella… like he fucking _owned _her that just drove me up the fucking wall. And Bella was so damn blind to it. He didn't like me much, for whatever the fuck reason, maybe because I saw right through him from the very beginning. But he tried for Bella. She was our common ground – our only reason for a truce. Because no matter how much we despised each other, both of us fucking lived and breathed for that girl. But now, well, she wasn't common ground anymore.

He could take me out back and fuck me up if we really wanted to, and Bella wouldn't give two shits. Not that I was afraid of the punk, but still. And I could hit him without knowing I was hurting Bella.

Except… now I had to factor Alice into the equation.

Yeah_… _this was going to be fucking impossible. Part of me wanted to just fucking blurt it all out right then and there and then make a run for it; leave them to clean up the mess. I wished I could. I wished I didn't care.

"How was the vacation, fucker?" Jake asked. He was straddling a chair backwards, leaning it forwards on two legs as he took a pull from a bottle of beer.

"Too fucking short."

"At least you _get _vacations," Alice whined, narrowing her eyes jokingly at Jake. "My boss doesn't _believe _in vacations."

"Oh, fuck that, little Cullen. If you recall, your terrible boss is giving you the entire weekend off for your birthday soon, you know."

Alice tried to look annoyed but her smile gave her away.

"Come on, let's go grab you a drink," she sang, looping her arm back through mine and dragging me towards the bar.

"Yeah, sure, serve _Edward_ beer," Rose called out from the table. Alice flipped her off, laughing.

"Al, it's all right," I said, placing my hand on her arm and stopping her. My eyes darted quickly across the room to where Bella was strolling back to the bar, still unaware of my presence. "I'll grab it – I gotta take a piss anyway. Go hang out."

"You sure, E?" She looked at me like I hadn't been to this bar a thousand times and had to served myself.

I messed up her hair and winked. "Yes, Alice. I'll be right back."

I watched as she danced back to the table, plopping herself back down in Jasper's lap. Then I turned my attention to Bella, who was distracted by something behind the bar, her back to me. My heart was pounding furiously as I drew closer, my skin pricking with the electricity as with every step. I couldn't believe that still, after all the fucking years that had been put between us, I could still feel her like that. Feel her presence shooting across my skin and filling my chest with every beat.

I couldn't understand why she had this effect on me.

No one else ever had, and I had a feeling no one else ever would. There was something about her… maybe it was because she was the first girl I ever truly loved. Maybe it was like this for everybody – their hearts never truly let go after saying good-bye to their first love. Maybe… but a part of me didn't want to believe it. A part of me wanted to know that this, this electricity between us, only happened to us. We were the only two in the world that felt this way.

I watched as she grabbed something and disappeared into the back room. I tried to be casual as I slipped behind the bar. Taking a deep breath, I silently prayed nobody was paying attention, and prepared for disaster.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

I didn't hear the door close behind me, or the lock click, but suddenly I was very, very aware of his presence. I tensed and turned to find Edward leaning casually against the closed door of the storage room, his arms crossed over his chest. Even though I knew he was there, it still startled me. I held my hand to my chest, my eyes widening in surprised as they took in his appearance almost on their own accord. Dark blue jeans, check. Unruly bronze hair, check. Grey t-shirt, identical to the one now balled up under my pillow… check. His mossy eyes were watching me intensely, though his emotions were carefully guarded. His jaw was relaxed, but his forearms were strained and I was willing to wager his hands were balled tight into fists, a habit of his that only surfaced when he was stressed. I couldn't help my gaze from lingering on the smooth lines of his forearms. Since when was I an _arm _girl? I quickly looked away, my heart thudding obnoxiously against my ribcage. I took a quick breath and raised my eyebrows, refusing to let him see how much his presence was affecting him.

"Hello, Edward."

"Bella." He nodded shortly, his gaze not leaving mine. His eyes were cold. Distant. Not the warm shining emeralds from my dream, not even close. I met his stony stare, raising a brow slightly in question but refusing to look away as I waited for him to speak. The echoes of laughter from out in the bar floated into the stuffy room as I shifted uncomfortably. The air around us was buzzing with tension; it felt as if five years worth of baggage was crammed in the tiny room with us. I let out a soft breath and brushed away a stray hair with trembling fingers. Finally, he pushed himself off the door and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He ducked his head down and looked up at me through his lashes.

"I think we need to get our story straight."

I took small step away from him, hoping he didn't notice. "_What_ story?"

He arched and eyebrow and let out a soft chuckle, dodging my question. "I see you haven't told Alice."

"Neither have you," I said, in almost an accusing tone.

"I wonder why that is?" he mused, tilting his head slightly to the side as he eyes searched my face. His voice had a sarcastic edge to it.

I let out a frustrated sigh and narrowed my eyes, not in the mood for his fucking games. "Is there a _reason _you came in here, Edward, or are you just trying to make this worse than it already is?"

He shrugged and laughed. I turned my back to him, trying to remind myself that there was a reason that I shouldn't deck him right across the face. Maybe I wanted to… but it didn't mean I was going to.

"If I scream, Jasper will come running ," I told him. If he was lucky, I'd be crying and Jasper would get his wish and knock out Edward himself.

He laughed again, raking a hand through his mess of bronze hair. It wasn't the laugh I remembered – no, this laugh was sarcastic and mean. "You say that like it's supposed to scare me."

"It should."

"Maybe if there was anything remotely intimidating about him, your threat would have a little more substance. But you know as well as I do that he won't touch me."

"And _how _would you know this?" I seethed, glaring at him.

He shrugged again. Fuck his nonchalance was going to get to me.

"Alice," he said simply.

"You know, maybe a part of him he doesn't want to hurt you because it will upset Alice, but trust me, a way bigger part of him wants to cause extreme harm to you because of _me_."

"I guess it just depends which he cares about more."

I narrowed my eyes. "What are you trying to say?"

He just looked at me, one corner of his mouth lifting up into a condescending smirk. "Aren't you afraid you're going to get left in the dust, Bella?"

My heart twisted painfully as my name escaped his lips. I wrapped my arms around myself, pushing the ache away and channeling it into anger. "In case you aren't aware, _Edward_, Jazz is _nothing _like you. He doesn't just walk away from the people he loves. Or _claims _to love," I muttered, adding it in almost as an afterthought.

The smile slid off his face and he narrowed his eyes angrily. "You're a fucking hypocrite, you know that?"

"I didn't have anything _left _to walk away from," I spat.

He laughed bitterly. "Whatever."

Silence fell between us. I shivered as I stared at the man before me. This person… whoever he was… wasn't _Edward_. Not my Edward_._ That person… he didn't exist anymore – if he'd even existed in the first place.I tried not to let that thought crush me. I had to be strong here. I didn't understand what in the hell had motivated him to come in here after me. Was he trying to torture me?

"So do I get an explanation?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and turning to him.

"Explanation for _what_?"

"Maybe why _you_ are the one looking at _me_ like you wouldn't mind ripping my throat out? Or what the hell you're doing living _here_? Or why you were the one that ripped my heart from my chest five years ago, and now you're the one playing the victim?"

He laughed cruelly. "You really have no fucking idea, do you Bella?"

"I guess not."

"Maybe you would have gotten your explanation if you'd stuck around home long enough to _talk to me_."

"My parent's fucking died!" I exploded, my voice echoing around the cement walls of the storage room, pelting the both of us from all angles. I lowered my voice, still seething vehemently. "Sorry I didn't want to have the whole 'reasons why I can't love you anymore' talk."

"You know that was as hard as me was it was for you."

"_Bullshit_, Edward. You saw how weak I was and you jumped at the opportunity. I didn't want your sympathy."

He just shook his head angrily. "You have no fucking _clue. _It's really too bad – things would have turned out a lot differently if you'd just given me two minutes of your precious time."

"Is that a fact?" I sneered. "You've always been far too sure of yourself, Edward. I don't think there was anything you could have said to change my mind. I couldn't even look at you, Edward. It made me physically ill to see you or think about you or hear your _voice._ All I wanted was a little time-"

"A _little time_? You _disappeared_."

I held up my hands. "Well, we've got all the time in the world now, so enlighten me, please Edward. What could have you said that would have changed everything?'

He shook his head angrily. "It doesn't matter anymore. It's too late, Bella."

"Then why are we even arguing about this? It doesn't _matter_ anymore."

He let out an exasperated sigh, running his hands through his hair. I glanced towards the door, knowing that I needed to get back out to the bar before people started wondering where we'd disappeared to, but there were things I needed to know – things I couldn't ask him in front of everybody else.

"What are you doing in Washington?" I demanded.

"I live here now," he replied, speaking in a voice as if he were explaining it to a five-year-old.

"Well that explains everything."

"Still as sarcastic as ever, huh?" He shook his head and sighed softly. "I moved out here four and a half years ago. I had to leave home."

Four and a half years ago? Which meant… he'd only stuck around Jacksonville six months after I left. I'd never really thought about Edward leaving Florida after graduation – though I knew he missed the north, the changing seasons, the snow… and I think his home life had been a lot easier in Chicago before the move down south when he was fifteen. But it was strange; every time my thoughts drifted to him over the years, I imagined him surfing the waves of Hanna Park and going to bonfires on the beach, throwing a football around in the beaming sun, living in a spacious apartment near campus, sporting Gators zip-ups and flip-flops. I expected his life would continue on in Florida like it would have if I hadn't left.

But then I caught the key words. "Had to?"

"It's a long story." His eyes tightened and his gaze shifted to the floor. It was obvious it was a painful story, too. Was it because of me? Or had something else happened over the years to the man I used to know? Had he been broken… lost? A part of me wanted to reach out and console him, but another part of me was slightly smug. He'd suffered too, and maybe he'd deserved it.

I wanted to ask questions, but I didn't. Because I really didn't want to know – and he didn't deserve my sympathy.

"So we're not telling Alice?" he asked, steering the conversation back on track. He looked back up at me, the pain in his eyes replaced with a smooth mask of indifference.

I nodded. "We're not telling Alice. Emmett has no idea. And Rose?"

"Rose knows nothing."

"Then… this is all between us?"

He nodded. "Yes."

"Jasper agreed to keep it quiet, too." I didn't add in Jasper's conditions, because Edward really didn't need to know.

"Figures." Edward rolled his eyes. I didn't know exactly where the roots of the grudge between Jasper and Edward really laid. But when Edward and I dated, he had at least tried to like Jasper, no matter how much Jazz despised him. Jazz tried too… for a long time. But now it seemed the feeling was completely mutual.

We fell silent, the only sound coming from the music and laughter of our friends inside the bar. With a frustrated sigh, I turned and moved towards the door.

"Where have you been, Bella?" Edward's voice stopped me, and he spoke so soft I wasn't even sure I was supposed to hear. I saw something soften in his eyes as raised his eyes to mine, his expression slightly torn.

"Like you care," I muttered, avoiding his gaze. I knew I couldn't let him get to me – his hypnotizing eyes, the frown on his lips, the crease between his eyebrows that told me he was distressed over something. If this was going to work, I had to separate the old Edward from this bitter, angsty version. I couldn't let him in, not again.

He was silent. I watched as he worked his jaw, and it looked like he was struggling with himself. His hand lifted, almost like he was reaching out for me and stopped himself.

I shook my head. "Say it. I don't think that anything you can say will offend me, Edward."

"And why's that?"

I let out an exasperated sigh. "Because I don't _care _anymore."

"Care about what?"

"About _you_."

"Oh," he responded, his expression slightly amused. "What a _relief_."

"Don't mock me."

"Oh, but I was so afraid, Bella. So scared that the moment you saw me again you'd throw yourself in my arms and fall in love with me all over again."

"We were never in love," I growled, unable to meet his eyes as I spoke. My fingers played with a loose thread on my shirt. I knew I didn't mean it like it sounded, but I didn't care enough to correct myself. I was never in love with the man standing before me. It had been a different Bella and a different Edward who had drifted to sleep in each other's arms, lulled by the gentle crashing of waves against the cool sand and then awoke hours later to a sky painted in red and pink as the sun crept above the endless horizon of water. Those were different people – different versions of ourselves.

He was silent, and I was too afraid to look up and see his expression. After a long moment, he finally responded. "_Fine_."

"Fine?"

He shrugged, looking almost defeated. "You are right – we never were in love."

I nodded, wishing it didn't feel like such a fucking lie.

"So what do _we _do?" I asked. "I think it's obvious it's going to be hard to avoid each other… and, I mean, won't Alice will think something's up if we just have some unexplainable vendetta against each other?"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "What? You want me to pretend to like you?"

"No," I replied quickly, not even giving myself a moment to be offended. "Look, we don't have to… I don't know. Maybe be like friends? Call a truce? I'm sure we're mature enough to handle that, at least. Then Jazz and I will be gone… and you won't have to worry about it anymore."

"A truce," he repeated, his expression thoughtful as he pondered it. "Why don't you just leave now then?"

"We don't have a car."

"I will _give _you my car."

"You're not serious."

He face broke out into a small, genuine grin. He chuckled and shook his head. "You're right, I'm not."

"Besides, Jasper and Alice deserve to be happy."

"Yeah, until you guys take off and break her fucking heart."

"Jasper won't hurt her," I insisted, my fingers reaching for the door.

Edward shook his head. "No, he won't. Because if he does, he's a fucking dead man."

I turned my back so he couldn't see me fighting back laughter as I unlocked the door and slipped out of the room. I shook my head. It was only hours ago I'd heard almost that exact threat uttered by a different man. The irony failed to escape me. Despite how much they loathed one another, Edward and Jasper were more alike than they even knew.

**x.x.x**

"Bella, that's _not _how it happened!"

"Yes it is!" I gasped, my cheeks flushed as I doubled over in laughter, "You – you." I stopped and gasped for a breath, my entire body shaking as I looked over at Jasper and began laughing harder.

"Shut up," Jasper tried to growl, but he was laughing too.

"You guys are killing us," Emmett broke in.

"Yeah!" Alice chimed.

I glanced up at the table, still unable to hold back my laughter. I caught Edward's eye, who was watching me with a bemused expression on his face, and I looked away and ducked my head, still giggling. Jazz kept shooting me these looks, pleading me to not do this now, and that just made me laugh harder.

"So you came home from work one night…" Jake repeated the beginning of the story, urging me to continue.

I chuckled, throwing Jazz an apologetic glance. "Yeah. Sorry. It's just the _look _on Jasper's face was so fucking priceless. He-"

"Bella-"

"Jasper, it's too late," Alice broke in, holding up her hand to silence him as she giggled. "Bella, tell us," she begged.

"All right," I giggled, clearing my throat and avoiding Jasper's gaze because I knew it would just crack me up again. "You know, it's probably not even that funny, it's just-" I paused, breaking out into another fit of giggles, "-the look on his _face_-"

"_Bella_," Alice whined.

"All right, all right. So, it was… I don't even know. A while ago. Back in our _experimental _stage-"

"Experimental?" Emmett asked, looking back and forth between Jazz and I with an eyebrow cocked. "You said you never-"

"No!" I interrupted, laughing again. "Not like that! We… dipped into drugs from time to time. I don't know, we weren't very hardcore, but for whatever reason we picked up shrooms this one time, wasn't really my thing. I thought Jazz had gotten rid of them; I didn't even know he still had some." I giggled and Jazz narrowed his eyes at me, but his grin betrayed him.

Emmett let out a loud laugh. "I like this story already."

I grinned at Emmett, trying to focus. "So… I was working a late shift, and when I got home I was so tired I just wanted to go pass out. It was late and I got back to the hotel and just assumed Jazz was in bed like he usually was when I got home." When I was working nights, mine and Jasper's paths only crossed when one of us would come home from work and find the other fast asleep. Those were the times I hated the most – the loneliest times of my life. I shook the thought as I continued.

"And I just went right into the bathroom and I – I –" My voice got high as I fought back another fit of giggles. "The light was on, and I guess I didn't think about it, but I walk in and Jasper – he's sitting in the bathtub, having a bubble bath. And he's – he's wearing his cowboy boots and his cowboy hat and playing with a rubber duck and he looked up at my when I walked in," I gasped for a breath, "He just looked like – like he'd been caught in the act of doing something so _wrong_. Like a little kid caught stealing from the cookie jar or something."

The table burst out in laughter and Jasper ducked his head, burying it into Alice's tiny shoulder. I could see he was chuckling too though, and I nudged him as I joined in on the laughter.

"Your cowboy boots in the _bathtub_!?" Alice's entire body was shaking as she tried to pull Jazz's face up.

"Dude, a rubber duck?! What the _hell_?" Emmett howled.

"I found it!" Jasper cried, as if that would make it better.

"_Where_?"

I giggled, allowing Jasper to tell this part of the story.

"I went for a walk – I was tripping the fuck out and for some reason I thought fresh air would do me good. I was walking these trails and I found this toy duck just lying in the mud by the playground," he was laughing, because he knew how absolutely ridiculous it sounded. "I was _fucked_ and for whatever reason I felt _bad _for it because the other ducks wouldn't play with it until it was clean. So I brought it back to the hotel and gave it a bath."

"But why the cowboy boots?" Jake pressed, still chuckling as he took a swig of his beer.

"It wanted to play Cowboy's and Indian's," Jazz replied, ducking his head again. The entire table was roaring with laughter again, Jasper's cheeks flushed a slight pink as he chuckled at himself.

"That is the cutest, most disturbing story I've ever heard," Alice giggled, ruffling Jasper's curly locks.

Jazz grinned playfully up at her. "Now I think I get to hear an embarrassing story about you. Fair's fair."

"Impossible," Alice replied. "I am a perfect specimen, so such stories exist."

"That's a damn lie."

"Yeah, come on cousin," Emmett said, nudging Edward. "There's got to be something you can spill about sweet little Alice."

"Edward, no!" Alice cried before he even had to respond.

"I thought you were a perfect specimen," Jazz chuckled. "You shouldn't have anything to worry about."

Alice buried her face in her hands. "If you do this, Edward, I swear to god I'll never talk to you again."

"Alice, I would like to see you try."

"I have one," Rosalie spoke up, grinning slyly over at her friend.

"Yes!" Emmett pumped his fist in the air.

"Rose!"

Rosalie's smile grew and she rolled her eyes. "Oh, _Alice_, it's not even that bad. So last summer," she began turning to the rest of us, "We were at Esme and Carlisle's cabin, and me and Al went for a hike, down to the public beach."

"Rose…" Alice whined.

Rose ignored her friend. Jasper patted Alice's head, leaning across the table towards Rose, grinning.

"We were almost there, it was real quiet, nobody really around. We were both just kind of minding our own business, walking along… and then all of a sudden Alice just screams and shoves me right into the trees. Like, knocked me off my feet, the girl is fucking _strong _when she wants to be. She screams 'BEAR!' and like throws herself in front of me, I don't know what the _fuck _she thought she was doing, but when I looked up I see his big black animal strolling down the path."

"Rose, no…"

Rose only laughed.

"What was it?" Jazz pressed

"A black lab."

"Like… a _dog?_"

"Yup."

We all cracked up.

"You were going to protect her from a _dog?_"

"It was _big_!" Alice cried, jutting out her bottom lip. "I didn't… look closely enough."

"Awww…" Jasper grinned. "What were you going to do, Alice? Fight it off?"

"I don't know! I just… panicked." She buried her face in her hands. "I felt so stupid."

"Ah, but it was so funny," Rose reminded her. "The couple that was walking the dog – yes it was on a leash – they probably thought we were absolutely nuts, rolling around in the trees laughing our asses off."

"You're coming with me next time I go hiking," Jasper told her. "I need all the protection I can get from big scary black dogs."

Alice shoved him half-heartedly. "Shut up."

Jazz chuckled and rested his chin on her shoulder. I chanced a glance over at Edward, who was drumming his fingertips lightly on the wood of the table, his chin resting in his hand as he gazed across the bar, looking like his mind was far from our trivial embarrassing story exchange. I really noticed for the first time the purple, bruise-like shadows under his lashes, a glazed over look in his eyes. Something about the way he looked just seemed off… he was gorgeous, of course, I was fairly sure Edward Cullen turned heads every day of his life, but he didn't look _well. _He looked tired, and faint lines around his eyes told me this wasn't news, either. It made me wonder again what he had been through over the past five years. Whenever my thoughts drifted to him, he was the happy, charming man from my memories, not this exhausted, gloomy man who sat before me, only a shadow of the Edward I once knew.

He smiled, sure – every time his eyes would meet Alice's across the table, the corners of his mouth lifted, a spark lit deep in his mossy eyes. And he chuckled along to our stories, but I never would have thought it would be me who recited embarrassing anecdotes while he leaned back quietly and listened. Edward had always come to life in crowds of people – he always stood out, always shone a bit brighter than the rest. But now he seemed content to sit back and watch. It was almost as if our roles had been reversed completely.

And for a moment, I felt guilty – I knew nothing about this man, a boy I had once claimed to love. I knew nothing but the pain I saw written across his carefully controlled face, and for the very first time in my life, I regretted leaving him the way I did.

But then the sharp throbbing in my chest snapped me back to life. None of his pain could possibly be my fault. He had ended it. _He_ had walked away from _me_. Whatever he was suffering from… had nothing to do with me – our relationship was far behind the both of us; only a flickering candle long extinguished. What we had once been was nothing faded memories and sharply inked tattoos. I needed to stop blaming myself for things so clearly beyond my control.

When Alice excused herself to go to the bathroom, Jasper threw his arm over the back of my chair.

"How you holdin' up?" he asked quietly as Emmett and Rosalie began arguing over the benefits of dual-exhaust or something equally mundane.

I glanced over at Jazz quickly and nodded slightly. "I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"I swear. So, are you staying with Alice tonight?" I knew Jasper had to work in the morning, but he hadn't spent the night at Alice's since Thursday. I wondered how much Edward's presence would factor in on his decision to go back over there.

I watched as Jasper's eyes cut quickly across the table. "Probably not," he muttered.

I frowned. "Jasper, don't-"

He cut me off with a sharp shake of his head. "It's fine." His arm dropped from the back of my chair as Alice came bouncing back to the table. Guilt settled deep in the pit of my stomach. I wished that for once in my life Jasper didn't have to sacrifice his happiness for me. It was such a fucking downer.

Jake drew all our attention to him when he hopped up from his chair and slammed an empty beer bottle down on the table.

"Well, I'm outta here kids," he said, nodding towards the table as he pulled on a leather jacket. I thought it was kind of funny how he could get away with calling us kids though he was the youngest one here. He seemed mature beyond his years. Most of the time.

"Girls, I'll be around tomorrow so don't worry about cleaning up here tonight."

"Aw, thanks Jakey," Alice cooed in a sarcastically sweet voice. "You're the best."

"I know this." His face stretched out into a wide, happy grin. "I'll see you all around tomorrow, alright? Peace, fuckers. No drinking and driving, you hear?"

"Bye, Jake." We all waved as he grabbed his helmet from behind the bar and disappeared out the door.

Alice let out a breath and looked around the empty bar. "Well, looks like it's an early night, huh? I'm ready to go home if you guys are." I watched as her gaze lingered on Jasper.

Jasper got to his feet, sweeping Alice up into his arms. "I'll take you home, m'lady."

"How? Piggyback ride?" Alice giggled.

"That or I throw you in the back of the Mustang and push you home."

"The Mustang?" I glanced up. By the look on Edward's face, he hadn't meant to speak out loud. My heart rate sped as I realized Edward would know all about Jasper's history with a 1969 Mustang. Besides me, cars were were about the only thing Jasper and Edward had in common.

Jasper seemed to realize this too as he nodded slowly, an uneasiness in his eyes. "Um… yeah. 1969 convertible."

Edward seemed to be at a loss for words, so he only nodded and finished off his beer. Luckily, Alice broke the tension.

"It's no Volvo though, huh E?"

This time, it was my eyes that widened. The Volvo? He still drove one? A whole new round of memories stirred, and I felt a flush creeping up my neck as I remembered Edward's silver car, dark leather, and a cramped backseat. I turned away before my blush betrayed me.

"Uh… yeah," Edward said awkwardly.

"A Volvo?" Emmett cracked up. "Dude, you have a grandpa's name and a grandma's car… how the fuck do you ever get laid?"

I cringed away, not wanting to hear his response. I wondered what Emmett would say if I told him that car _had _gotten him laid… multiple times… in one night... by a girl in this very room. I burst out laughing, then covered my mouth with my hand in horror. _Shit, shit, shit. _

Jasper was looking at me, his eyes narrowed, and Edward gaped at me in shock. I had a feeling that both of them were thinking along the same lines and me. I turned toward the back of the bar, mumbling something about having to use the bathroom, making an escape before things could possibly get any more awkward.

I mentally screamed every swear word I knew as I stood in the bathroom trying to compose myself. This was not going to work. This was _so _not going to work. We were going to have to come up with a new tactic because _this_ was so not going to work.

I just fucking prayed that it wasn't already too late.

**x.x.x**

* * *

**A/N: **Reviews are better than dark leathery back seats of Volvos


	9. Crack the Liar's Smile

_Chapter 9: Crack the Liar's Smile. _

**A/N: **Please remember, this story is rated M. I know that means different things in different places, but I'm just sayin' :)

The scene in the beginning of this chapter is a flashback, not a dream. Thought you might enjoy a peek at the less-monsterous side of Edward. Though we go from some fluff straight into home h-core angst, so prepare for some whiplash. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I highly, highly recommend the chapter song Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars. Listened to it 1000000x's while writing this chapter.

Also, you guys rock. That is all.

* * *

**I'm running from the light,****  
Running from the day to night.  
Oh, the quiet silence defines our misery  
The riot inside keeps trying to visit me.  
No matter how we try, it's too much history  
Too many bad notes playing in our symphony  
So let it breathe, let it fly, let it go  
Let it fall, let it crash, burn slow**

_**Hurricane – 30 Seconds to Mars**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella**_** - Sixteen years old.  
**_

"_Bella!"_

_Edward's voice was close – too close. I felt his fingertips brush against the fabric of my shirt, his laughing, panting breath in my ear. I let out a screech, zigzagging to the right, my feet slipping on the muddy ground and I managed to push myself upright and propel myself forward but it was too late. His arms circled my waist and he hauled me to the ground. We fell sideways, his body breaking my fall, my back pressed to his smooth chest. I screeched and kicked my feet as I tried to wiggle free of his grasp but it was useless – he had me. _

_"You are _so _paying_ _for that," he growled in my ear. _

_ I stopped squirming. "Paying for what?" I panted, trying to play innocent. "Oh, gross, Edward – you're all wet." I tried to hold back a giggle. _

_"Funny." In one quick motion, he slid me off of him and then rolled over so he was on top, pinning me to the ground. His fingers wrapped around my wrists, holding my hands above my head, his legs tightened around my own so I couldn't move. Water dripped down his face, rolling down his smooth skin like beads of sweat. They landed on me and I couldn't move to brush them away. He was breathing heavily, his t-shirt and board shorts soaked and clinging to him, my eyes trailed down his rippled chest. Mmmmm… a wet Edward was a good Edward. I bit my lip, blinking up at him. _

_ "So let me get this straight," he breathed in my ear. A shiver ripped through my body, despite the scorching sun beaming down on us. It didn't go unnoticed by him either – his cocky smirk grew and he pressed down harder against me. Sweet mother of Jesus. I drew in a quick breath, trying to compose myself. _

_ "I give up my Saturday afternoon," he continued, "to help my girlfriend wash her bucket of rust_ _truck, and _this _is what I get?" He glanced down at his sopping wet t-shirt and then looked back up at me. _

_ "You were _practically _begging for it," I replied, rolling my eyes. Okay, so maybe I'd doused him with soapy water because he was ragging on me about the pointlessness of scrubbing down a truck that was eighty-five percent rust spots – he couldn't understand that not everybody's parent's bought them a shiny, silver Volvo when they turned sixteen. But I'd also turned the hose on him for my own enjoyment, too. Because the only thing that looked better on Edward than a clingy, sopping wet t-shirt was no shirt at all._

_ "You really need to work on your acting skills, sweet Bella." _

_ "Who? Me?" I couldn't pull off nonchalance, so maybe I'd try innocence. _

_ "Mmmmhm…" he lowered his face to my neck and placed a sloppy kiss there. _

_ "If this is my punishment, then I think I'll hose you down with cold, soapy water more often," I giggled._

_ "You think you're so funny." He raised his head. His bright green eyes burned into mine and his crooked grin widened. Then he took both of my wrists in one hand so the other was free, and he trailed it down my side. I began squirming against his firm grasp, knowing what was coming. _

_ "No – Edward – don't!" I gasped. _

_ He began tickling me and I shrieked loudly, fighting with all my might against him but he held me easily in place. _

_ "No! – I'm – EDWARD! – stop!" _

_ His grin widened._

_ "No – Edward! – it's not – faaaair!"_

"_I think it's perfectly fair – you get to see me sopping wet and I get to see you breathless and screaming my name," he murmured huskily in my ear. _

"_Edwaaard!" Dammit. "I'm sorry – I – okay, okay – I'm sorry!" _

_ I heard the front door of the house open and breathed a sigh of relief. Edward stopped his tickling, but grinned widely at me. _

"_Mister Cullen, are you molesting my daughter again?"_

_ Edward laughed and raised his head, but didn't move from his position on top of me. _

_ "Naw, just torturing her a little."_

_ My mother – the damn traitor – only laughed lightly from the porch. "Well, whatever you want to call it, just don't do it on my front lawn – the neighbors will talk, you know." _

_ Edward squinted his eyes down the street, where the closest house was a good half-block from where we were. "Sorry, Renee," he called, still laughing. _

_ I heard my mother's carefree laughter disappear back inside the house, ice clinking around in her fresh glass of iced tea, and a moment later the front door closed again. _

_ "You heard the woman – you have to stop," I gasped before he had a chance to start up again._

_ "If I drag you upstairs, I don't think she'll have a problem with it."_

_ I jutted my lip out in a pout. "Please don't. 'Sides, she'll yell at you if you trek across the hardwood a dripping wet mess."_

_ He chuckled and his hand began inching it's way back to my side. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for round-two, when suddenly his soft fingers brushed against the exposed skin at my stomach. He slid his palm up my side until he reached the elastic of my bra. Then his lips were on my neck, slowly kissing a trail up to my jaw. _

_ My eyes closed as I basked in the feeling of his soft lips on my skin. "I thought you're supposed to be torturing me," I gasped. _

_ "I am. It's not my fault you're just far too irresistible for your own good." His lips vibrated gently across the skin of my neck when he spoke. _

_ My voice shook. "My bad."_

_ He continued kissing up my neck, his lips gently brushing against my earlobe. I began squirming again, but this time it wasn't because I was trying to escape. He released my hands and instantly they tangled in his wet, bronze locks. His breathing was growing heavy again, his one hand cradling my cheek while the other firmly cupped my breast, the tips of his fingers sliding under the smooth fabric. I let out a strangled noise, my fingers tugging at his hair. _

_"Fuck, Bella," he groaned, his teeth nibbling at my earlobe. A hard shiver rocked my body, and he let out another groaning noise, thrusting the bulge in his shorts against my center. I let out a loud gasp in shock, my hips moving against him at their own accord, sliding up and down his throbbing cock. I tugged on his hair, my lips desperate to find his mouth. He sensed my urgency, and he grazed his lips across my cheek, finally meeting mine. I let out a moan into his mouth as he gently sucked on my bottom lip. Blood raced through my veins as my heart started pounding, my body beginning to flush in arousal. The combination of his soaked clothes against my heated skin sent shocks throughout every nerve ending in my body. _

_His tongue traced my lips and then plunged into my mouth, his hips grinding frantically against mine. My fingers tugged at his hair, and I lost all sense of time and space as his pants grew more and more labored against my lips. My mom or Phil could look out the window at any moment and catch us, but the thought was fleeting and unimportant. Everything around us just faded into the background. It was just me and him; when our lips met, it was as if nothing else in this entire world existed. There was something about kissing Edward; nothing would ever compare. _

_"Ice-cream." His voice was husky, gritty as his lips moved against mine, shaking hands wrapping around my hips. His fingers dug into my skin, and I could feel the need vibrating between the two of us, the warm summer breeze buzzing with the electricity. I lifted my head slightly, looking down into his hooded eyes. The green was on fire, burning so bright my breath caught in my throat and I almost told him 'fuck it.' We could do each other, right here, right now and I could care less. I could tell he was fighting with himself, holding back, because we were laying on my parents fucking lawn, ready to rip each others clothes off.  
_

_"Ice-cream," I panted in agreement. _

_Ice-cream. The pier, our secluded hiding spot, where we went to get 'ice-cream' on a regular basis.  
_

_He began moving, one arm wrapping tightly around my waist and the other around my back as he got to his feet, pulling me up with him. My legs wrapped around his waist, our lips hardly separating as he began walking down the lawn toward his car. _

_I let out a whimper as I unwillingly crawled from his lap into the passenger seat after he'd somehow managed to yank open the door with one hand and lower me in. _

_"I fucking love you," he whispered against my lips, kissing me hard one last time before sprinting around the car to jump in the drivers side. I smiled to myself, my fingers pressing against my tingling lips as he slammed the door and put the car in drive. He glanced over at me, winking, the fire still gleaming deep in his emerald eyes. He reached over, pulling my hand from my lips and placing a kiss in my open palm as he stepped on the gas. A shiver ran through my body. I wondered if there'd ever be a time when I'd look at him and not feel like I was so full of love I could burst. _

_I didn't think it was possible. Because my god, I loved this boy.  
_

**x.x.x  
**

**Edward.**

Nighttime.

Nighttime was always the worst. The hours stretched on, the ticking to the clock slowed to a painful crawl. The sun's warmth was washed away by an empty, bitter blackness. The day's hiding shadows crept from their dark corners and advanced like a thick cloak, covering the world with distorted shapes and endless dark tones of shifting shadows. The dark, twisted shadows that moved in the night. Haunting me. Taunting me. Torturing me.

But I could handle the dark; the absent sun. I could handle the cool night air. It was the silence that got to me. The silence filled my head like a thousand tortured screams… jolting my tired body awake, fueling my steps I paced a line at the foot of my bed. Then up and down the hall. Then around the kitchen. The silence was death. And the silence was what I needed to escape from.

My hands were beginning to shake. That's when I knew I needed to find my distraction. My muse. Because soon it would be the pounding heart. The clammy palms. The burning in my throat. And the cravings… the _need_. The transformation into the abomination I'd become would be complete. And then nothing would stop me.

If I closed my eyes, sleep would take me and there I would find my fix. For a moment I would feel it all, the high, the unparalleled euphoria coursing through my veins.

But I would awake with a start and scream into the night because it was nothing but a dream.

Nothing.

Not every night was like this – not anymore. But that didn't make it any easier. It didn't make it any less painful. It didn't lessen the urge to pick up that phone and let my fingers dial the number I knew would drive the demons away. It didn't stop me from falling to my knees and begging for daylight, begging for something to come and take me away from the place.

I needed a fucking muse.

I used to draw. At night I'd clench a pencil between my fingers and fill books and books with scratching marks that formed the curve of her lips, trying to capture all the emotion in her endless caramel eyes, replicate the gentle wave of her hair; trying to perfect the misshapen freckle on her hip, the scar on her knee. Drawing had kept me sane. She had kept me sane.

She drove me over the edge and pulled me back in all in the same heartbeat.

And that's what she was doing to me tonight. She was pushing me over and reigning me back.

And she had no idea I hated her for it. Because I used to think death was where I'd find the peace I craved. It had been within reach too many times to count; I'd brushed fingers with the reaper; taken a breath I'd swear would be my last. But every time it was her face I saw above all else, and every time she pulled me from the darkness and saved me.

I'd known all along she was out there somewhere. I had no reason to doubt he wouldn't protect her, keep her safe for me. But I wasn't ready for her. I wasn't _good _yet.

I always knew I'd see her again one day. But I'd thought it would be her when I drew my last breath that reached out for me, smiling face of an angel, pulling me into the safety of her arms. I wanted her to save me from life, not death. It was all wrong.

So fucking wrong.

I knew that in her eyes, I was already a monster. I knew what she saw when she looked at me. She wasn't wrong – I was a terrifying beast. I'd lost any hope that she'd ever really save me.

It _wasn't _her that did this to me. This was my doing, my choices, my weaknesses. Still didn't change the fact that I wanted to slip through Alice's door, shake her awake and tell her '_she _did this to me, Alice. _She _turned your cousin into this heartless, tortured demon.'

But Bella was an angel. She was the warm glowing light that vanquished the night's looming shadows. And she left me, just like everything else good in my life. She'd left me in a state of perpetual darkness. She'd created a demon without even trying. God didn't intend the pain he'd caused Lucifer. But he'd unknowingly created the worst kind of monster. And he was in me, that demon.

I'd become exactly what my father always predicted I would be. A disgusting, selfish monster.

And no matter how badly I wanted to, when I came down to it, I had no one to blame but myself. I was in this self-imposed purgatory because of _me_.

A felt a sob build in my chest, and I fell to my knees in the middle of the kitchen. My head in my hands, my hands tugging at my hair like I could pull the demon out of my head through the roots. The sob escaped and I was shaking, sick, disgusted. This was all my fault. And that was the most anguishing, terrifying thought of all.

She was the only thing that stopped me. I would make it through this night, and all other nights like this. For her. I wanted to be good. For her.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

I strolled down the empty sidewalk, popping my ear buds in and hitting play on my iPod. The soothing acoustics of Needtobreathe soon filled my ears and blocked out all outside sounds. I'd just left the shop after visiting with Emmett and Jazz a bit this afternoon. I'd tried playing guitar this morning to try and take my mind off shit but even that wasn't working as a distraction. After many failed attempts to play Free Bird, I'd thrown my guitar back in it's case, disgusted with myself. After that I'd paced around the room a bit feeling a lot like a caged bird. I needed to get out; distract myself. Alice and I the night off, and I knew I was going to go crazy if I didn't do _something._

I'd hung around the shop for a few hours, mostly just annoying Emmett as he worked on getting all the old paint off the Mustang and fix some of the rust spots. I just felt like I was getting in the way though, so I decided to take off, maybe go for a run.

Who would have thought that hanging out with Alice would be so good for my health? At least… in some ways.

I jogged down main street, taking a left just past the empty parking lot of The Whiskey. I remembered Alice mentioning something about a nice park being in that direction Friday afternoon when she'd driven me to her place. It felt like eons ago, when actuality it had only been three days ago. It was crazy just how much everything had change in just a few days.

I cut down a side road, my sneakers padding lightly along the broken pavement. It was yet another cloudy day in Forks, though it wasn't raining and it wasn't near as cold as it had been over the weekend. I found the cool air refreshing.

I picked up speed as I rounded another corner and crossed the street, still going in the direction I thought the park might be. The road I was on didn't seem to lead anywhere, but I figured it couldn't hurt to follow it for a while. It wasn't like I would be able to get myself lost in this town. I kept going, my steps falling to the beat of the music blasting in my ears. I was right on the edge of town – a line of trees to my right and the backyards of fenced-in houses to my left. Just when I was giving up hope of ever finding the park, the trees came to an end and a wide field opened up before me. I paused as I took in the sight – a trail circled around a small manmade lake in the middle of the park; benches and towering leafy trees decorated the field. It was green, quiet, and beautiful. I smiled to myself, racing ahead and inhaling a deep breath of fresh air, feeling completely rejuvenated.

Just as I was propelling myself forward, something on the road caught my eye, a flash of silver and only by reflex did I turn my head. The moment my focus was disrupted my feet tangled themselves and the next thing I knew I was flying through the air, my hands automatically shot out to break my fall as I hit the pavement hard. My iPod went flying forward, landing somewhere in the grass, thank _god_, and I lay on the pavement for a moment in shock, gasping for breath.

"Ow fuckity _OW_!"

I growled in frustration and lifted my head up slightly, first wiggling my toes and when they worked, I collapsed back onto the pavement, resting my cheek against the cool, gritty surface. I wasn't hurt, not really. Just more embarrassed than anything and thankful as hell that no one had been around to witness my little tumble. Then I heard a car door slam.

"_Bella_?"

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck. _

I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the voice to go away or for my body to sink away into the ground. Maybe if I lay still enough I'd just disappear altogether. I should have dressed in all green – if I rolled over, I'd probably blend right in with the grass.

I heard footsteps jogging towards me, and I realized how bad it probably looked – me just fucking lying here not moving. I forced myself up.

"I'm fine!" I groaned and rolled over, pushing myself up onto my elbows. A sharp pain ran through my arm and I cursed loudly, curling my hand into a loose fist and bringing it to my side.

"Are you okay?" He appeared hesitantly at my side, his green eyes full of worry as he searched my body for any visible injuries.

"I'm fine," I repeated, unable to meet his gaze. I glared down at my feet instead. Stupid, clumsy, good-for-nothing feet.

"You're bleeding."

I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. "Yeah, I do that."

He chuckled gently, his long fingers reaching out but I jerked away quickly before he made contact.

"It's okay," I insisted, pulling myself up further and inspecting the scrape on my knee. "Oh, that's not bad at all." I brightened as I got a closer look. Just skinned a little off the top, nothing I'd lose any sleep over. I flexed my aching arm a few times, the pain already fading.

"Is your arm okay?" he asked, his expression still distressed. That look… the concern… it made me sick.

I got to my feet. "Edward, I'm _fine. _I've had a lot worse, you know."

He stood from his crouch, giving me a once-over and then nodding. His face broke out into a grin. "Now that I believe."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, yeah. I'm just your typical damsel in distress." Then I looked up at him and narrowed my eyes. "Are you stalking me?"

"What? No."

"Why are you here then?"

He nodded his head towards his silver Volvo, which was pulled off to the side of the road about a hundred yards from where we stood. Not the same Volvo he'd driven in high school, I was happy to note.

"I was driving by."

"I didn't see you," I accused.

"Good. I hate to see what disaster would have unfolded had you not been watching where you were going."

"I didn't run into anything. I _tripped_."

"Yes, I saw. That was quite the fucking spill."

"Why did you stop then?"

"I thought you were hurt."

"Well I'm not, so you can carry on." I made a moving motion with my hands, urging him to get lost.

He looked a little offended. "Why were you running?"

I combed my fingers through my tangled hair, looking up at him. What a strange question.

"Maybe I like to run."

"Well we already know _that_," he rolled his eyes, as if his words wouldn't hurt me. Then he smirked. "You of all people shouldn't be running – you're far too prone to falling down."

"Well, Jasper's usually there to catch me." I said, not even realizing the double entendre behind my words until they'd left my mouth.

"He can't always be there."

"I know. I _can _take care of myself, you know."

"Are you sure about that?"

I glared at him, answering through my teeth. "_Yes_."

"Does _he _know that?"

I opened my mouth to answer him but he interrupted me with a quiet laugh. "Come on, I'll give you a ride." He scooped up my iPod from where it lay in the grass, and turned and started walking back towards where his car was sitting.

"I don't need a ride. That was kind of the point of me going for a run."

"It'll be dark soon – you don't want to get eaten by a bear," he called behind him.

I growled in frustration. What in the hell was with the Cullen's and bears? Or did Forks have a serious animal problem I wasn't aware of? I stalked after him, but only because he still had my iPod.

I slammed the door to his stupid, shiny Volvo as I plopped down in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my chest. My iPod was in his hand, and he was scrolling through the songs, unaffected. I held out my hand for it and cleared my throat, and he dropped it in my palm with his eyebrows raised.

"Just making sure it still works," he told me.

"Sure," I muttered, avoiding his eyes. I tried not to think of how strange this was, the two of us, alone and in such close corridors.

The second the car was in drive, electricity bounced and crackled in the air between us. I sat on my hands, as close to the door as I could as if that would lessen the effect. I noticed he was leaning unusually close to his door as well. It was good to know I wasn't the only one who felt like I was on fire every time he was around me.

It was annoying as hell.

I stared out the window, the silence stretching between us. And he didn't turn on the stereo as we drove, which bothered me enormously. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye – he had one hand draped over the steering wheel, his other hand balled into a tight first over the gearshift, his shoulder pressed against the window. He seemed to be smirking at some private joke as he whipped around a corner far too quick to be considered acceptable. I sighed, automatically reaching out to brace myself. Why did all the men in my life have to be such idiotic drivers? He braked quickly and I jerked forward, watching as we pulled off the road and into the parking lot of The Whiskey.

I blinked at him. "What are you doing?"

"Going for a drink."

"It's Monday, it's closed. And you said you'd take me home."

He opened his door. "I told you I'd give you a ride – I never said where. And Jake's here. He's expecting us."

Expecting _us_? What the fuck did that mean? I got out of the car, slamming the door behind me again and glaring at the door to the bar as Edward yanked it open. I glanced down the road – from here I was halfway back to the hotel. I could easily walk the rest of the way. But Edward paused at the door and nodded for me to enter, and I let out a sigh of defeat and followed him.

"About fucking time."

I looked up in confusion at Jake, who sat in the middle of the empty bar. He had his feet kicked up on the table as he lounged back in a chair in the middle of the room. He had a beer in his hand and the remote to the TV up in the corner in the other hand.

Edward shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it on the back of the chair across from Jake and then wandered back behind the bar. "Yeah, sorry man. There was a slight hold-up." Her jerked his head back in my direction.

Jake's gaze flickered over to me, his expression unsurprised. "Hey, Bells," he said cheerfully.

"Hey," I said, sliding into a seat next to Jake and trying not to look like I had no fucking clue what I was doing here.

"Beer?" he offered.

"Uh… sure?" Jake twisted the top off and passed one to me. I looked at the beer in my hand, shrugged, and then took a long sip.

"Where's Alice?" Jake asked.

"At the shop," Edward called from behind the counter. "They're swinging by right away. I have to go pick up Rose soon."

"Pick her up?"

"She wants a ride, whatever."

Jake let out a laugh. "Yeah, a _ride."_

Edward glared at Jake over the bar. "Shut it, dick."

Jake held up his hands in surrender and shook his head. "Christ, Bella, what in the fuck did you do to your knee?"

"Oh," I glanced down at my already forgotten wound. "Fell down."

Jake leaned forward, inspecting the damage. "You should clean that shit up."

"Yeah-" I jumped in surprise as something landed on the table in front of me. I looked up to find Edward plopping down in the chair across from Jake, and a small, white canvas bag sitting on the table before me. I held it up, inspecting it in confusion.

"First aid kit," Edward explained, cracking a beer.

I just looked at him in shock. "Uh… thanks."

"It's no big deal," he shrugged.

"I'm gonna have to buy more of that shit if you plan on sticking around here, Bella. According to Jasper you have quite the track record."

"He exaggerates," I replied, rolling my eyes.

Jake looked down at my knee, raising his eyebrows. "Apparently not."

"Well, it's Edward's fault, really." Stupid, shiny distracting car.

"Oh, so now it's my fault?" Edward arched an eyebrow.

"Yup." I snatched the first aid kit off the table and booked it towards the bathroom before he could argue the point.

Once safely inside the bathroom, I shoved up the bottom of the black capris I was wearing and dabbed at the drying scrape with wet paper towel. I cleaned it with some antibiotics just to be safe and smoothed a band-aid overtop of it, then washed up some tiny scrapes on the palms of my hands and paused to glance at my reflection.

My hair looked wild – wavy and tangled. I ran my fingers through it a couple times, attempting to smooth it down but didn't do a whole lot of good. But there was no way I was putting my hair up in a ponytail and risk Edward seeing my tattoo so it was going to have to suffice.

It was funny – I never thought I'd come to regret that tattoo so very much. Now it was just… embarrassing. I wondered what he would think if he saw it – a tribute to some phantom love I'd conjured in my head. I'd vowed to myself that he would never, ever see it. I would be very, very careful about it.

Edward's behavior so far today was… confusing. Maybe he was taking this truce thing more seriously than I'd expected – he seemed to be trying at least. But I was done trying to figure him out. He was a fucking mystery – I figured I couldn't go wrong to just roll with it. If he wanted to fight, then fine. And if he wanted to be all… chivalrous, then I guess I could deal with that too, at strange as it might be.

When I came back out of the bathroom, Edward was already gone. I furrowed my brow in confusion. He brought me here for a drink and then just… left me? I shook my head, but marched out to the table where Jake was sitting. Over the course of my restless morning, I'd decided there were a few things I wanted to know – needed to know – about Edward, for my own sanity. I knew Edward wouldn't answer me without his typical cryptic responses, and I have a feeling that Jake was the only one who'd be truly honest with me. And wouldn't ask a thousand questions.

"All better there, Slugger?" Jake asked as I took a seat across the table from him. The seat was still warm with Edward's presence – I tried not to think about it as I displayed my freshly bandaged knee.

"Good as new."

"Good," he nodded, bringing his beer to his lips.

"Did Edward leave?"

"Went to go get Rose. The others should be here pretty soon."

"Is there a party no one told me about or what am I missing?"

Jake chuckled. "Yeah, we usually gather here Monday's – it's the only time we get the place to ourselves."

"That's handy."

"Sure is."

I drew in a deep breath. "Can I ask you a question? About Edward?"

If Jake was surprised, he didn't show it. "Uh, yeah. Sure."

I hesitated. "So… what's his story? I know he's Alice's cousin, but why's he here?" I prayed that my tone sounded indifferent, and hoped Jake would pass it off as curiosity and nothing more. But I knew I couldn't ask Alice or Edward himself, obviously. But I had a feeling Jake would spill and not make a big deal of it. I smiled warmly over at Jake – hell, if I had to charm it out of him, so be it.

"Man, you don't ask easy questions, huh?" Jake chuckled. "Well, he grew up in Florida, I believe. At least, for a little while. His dad is some hot-shot lawyer, and they moved around a bit when he was younger."

I nodded. This I already knew. Edward had actually lived in Chicago until he was fifteen and his family moved to Jacksonville. His Dad was… a dick. A class-A cunt who cared little for anything besides his job - yet another similarity between my boyfriend and my best friend. _Ex_-boyfriend, I mentally corrected myself, shuddering.

"And I guess after graduation, he got into some… trouble back home. He, uh… I don't know, something messed him up pretty good; he doesn't talk about it much. And I don't think him and his old man got along very well. Carlisle, Alice's dad, is Edward's dad's little brother. I don't think they were all that close, but Carlisle caught wind of what was going on down south and offered his home to Edward. I think Edward was eighteen when he moved here and started going to U-dub – he wanted to be a doctor, and I don't think his old man was ever very happy about that."

_Something messed him up pretty good. _I nodded again, slowly. What happened to the boy I left behind in Florida? The last time I saw him… he was wounded, but he was okay. My thoughts flickered back to the Edward I had known. I remembered the last time I'd touched him, when he dropped my hand at the beach and then turned around and walked away. The last time I spoke to Edward was when he was fighting to see me at Renee and Phil's funeral. And the last time I saw Edward… I was pulling out of the parking lot at school, the day before Jasper and I left for good. Edward had been standing at his car, just staring at me, and I had driven off watching his reflection in my rearview mirror and with a face wet with tears.

I felt the sadness creep over me, my heart feeling heavy in my chest. I swallowed hard and opened my mouth, determined to keep Jake talking.

"So… he's taking medicine?"

"Well, he _was_. He lived in Seattle then, when he was going to school, but he dropped out after two years or so… I don't know, no one really ever talks about _why_, but I guess that's his story to tell, not mine." He looked at me meaningfully and I glanced down at my beer. "What I do know is he disappeared for a while and eventually came back to Forks and moved in with Alice. And now he, I dunno, helps Alice out with her business and shit-"

"Her business?"

"Yeah, Mari-A. That's her clothing line. You didn't know that?"

I gaped at him. "I had _no_ idea."

Jake chuckled. "I guess she doesn't talk about it much – doesn't want to make a big deal out of it."

"Is it a big deal?"

"Well… she does very well for herself, but she'd never fucking admit it. Sells to quiet a few big stores in Seattle and Vancouver, think some is distributed to other stores nationally. It's more high-end shit. She has offices in Seattle, but works out of Forks. Edward handles the business side of things in the city so she can stick around home," Jake shrugged. "But like I said, she doesn't want to make a big deal out of it so…"

"So I'll keep my mouth shut," I smiled, catching his drift. "So hold on a sec., let me get this straight – you are Alice's boss, but you work for Rose. Alice is Edward's boss, but she works for you? "

"Well, more or less. But Alice isn't technically Edward's boss. They're partners."

"Partners?"

"He invested in her."

"_Invested_?"

"I guess he came into some money… around the same time he dropped out of school. Nobody really knows how. But he invested most of it in Al's company."

"Does he _like_ working in fashion?"

"God, no. But he's just helping her out until everything gets off the ground. The dude's got good business smarts, you know. I think maybe he'll go back to school, eventually."

"Huh." I blew out a breath. Definitely didn't see that one coming.

"God, I feel like such a fucking gossip queen," Jake laughed. "If you need to know anything else, you're gonna have to ask him yourself. I've probably already dug my own grave."

"I won't say anything," I promised.

Jake nodded. Just then, the little bell rang and the door was yanked open, and laughter echoed through the bar as Emmett strolled through, a giggling Jasper and Alice behind him. Jasper had Alice on his back, piggy-back, and my guitar case was in his hand.

"Looky-looky who we found," Emmett grinned, pulling me out of my chair and off my feet into a hug. "We made Alice drive all the fucking way back to the hotel looking for you."

"Yeah, and it was so far, Emmett." Alice rolled her eyes and hopped off Jasper's back. "How'd you get here?"

"Ummm… Edward… found me."

"Found you?"

I gestured toward my knee as Emmett set me back on me feet. "I fell down."

"You really need to lay off the extreme sports, Bella." Emmett told me.

"I was _jogging_."

"Yeah, well, only you could turn jogging into an extreme sport."

"Shut up." I shoved Emmett half-heartedly as he plopped down in a chair and chuckled. He stretched and pushed up the sleeves of his dark-blue long-sleeved shirt, exposing his inked forearm.

"Fucking Christ I need a beer. I feel like I'm working for Rose the way she bosses my ass around that shop."

"Oh fuck that, you like it," Jasper chuckled, taking the seat next to me. He grinned slyly over at me, and I returned it. This afternoon, Jasper had hinted at Emmett's crush on his boss as it was becoming more and more apparent to the rest of us with each passing day.

Emmett just laughed and shook his head. "She's just damn lucky she's hot."

"Yeah, lucky for her," Alice giggled sarcastically. We all exchanged a knowing glance behind Emmett's back.

"What's my guitar doing here?" I asked, turning to Jazz.

He shrugged. "It was Alice's idea. She thought we might be in need of some entertainment. Besides, I haven't heard you play in a while."

I nodded, wondering if I would be able to play with _him h_ere.

"Yeah, I didn't know you were musical, Bella," Alice chimed in. "We used to have an open mic night here, but people started getting sick of Embry and Quil getting wasted and messing around on the guitar, so we kind of shut it down."

"Oh, that was the worst," Jake groaned. "The fuckers had no idea what they were doing, either. They thought they were Tenacious D, but they were _terrible. _But let me tell you, they could sure clear a room."

"Well thank god I was spared that torture," I giggled.

"Well, I can promise you Bella is better than that."

"Yeah, play me something, woman. I want to see you rock that Hummingbird," Emmett said.

"Later," I promised him. Maybe if I drank enough I'd loosen up and not fuck up too bad.

Emmett nodded, satisfied.

"I'm just gonna run out for a smoke," I said, moving to slip on the light jacket I'd been wearing and fish my pack of cigarette out of my pocket.

"Bella," Jake chuckled. "You don't have to go outside."

I just looked at him.

"Don't you wonder why it smells like cigarette smoke in here, but you can't smoke inside a bar?"

I stopped. I hadn't thought about that. Jake just laughed and threw me a lighter. "Just don't tell my old man."

"Okay…" I pulled my pack from the pocket of my jacket and lit a smoke, grabbing an empty bottle from the table to ash in. Emmett pulled his pack from his pocket and lit one with the lighter I offered him.

Rose and Edward showed up a little later, Rose freshly showered and looking like her usual goddess self. It was so unfair how someone could seriously be that beautiful. Girls like me just didn't have a chance.

Edward swept a hand through his hair as he took a seat next to Alice. His bright eyes met mine across the table and he gave me a slight smile, which I returned before turning my attention to the drink in my hand. I tried to ignore the butterflies that stirred in my stomach with that one small, innocent exchange.

I tried to keep myself from stealing glances at him as we sat around chatting, but it was _hard. _It was like a damn magnet, the way I just couldn't stop my gaze from drifting to him. He was smiling as he joined in on the banter being exchanged around the table. He seemed far more relaxed than yesterday, sipping his beer and laughing as Rose and Emmett resumed their argument from the night before.

He leaned back in his chair, looking relaxed in his worn blue-jeans and white button up shirt. He had the sleeves rolled up, the top few buttons left casually un-done. I wondered if it was possible for someone to get better-looking each day. This Edward was so much harder to hate. A part of me wished he go back to the sullen version from last night – he was so much easier to loathe.

Alice clapped her hands together in excitement, cutting Emmett off from his defense of something called a MagnaFlow. I shook my head. I was going to have to buy an Car-speak for Dummies pretty soon if I planned on keeping up with the conversations around here.

"Hey you guys! Let's play 'Never Have I Ever,'" Alice's face lit up as she looked around the table. I sighed and rolled my eyes. A game? Really? What - were we twelve? When she saw we were all equally unenthused, she tried to persuade us. "Come on! It'll be fun, I promise."

Everybody groaned collectively. I hated drinking games. Especially ones like this where you had to be ready to lie if you didn't want to embarrass the hell out of yourself – and I definitely had no Oscar's in my future. In fact, I was such a terrible bluffer that Jasper wouldn't even let me play poker with him anymore.

"You guys!" Alice pouted. "Why not? It's a good way for everybody to get to know each other."

"Can't we just _talk_?" Jasper asked.

Alice waved him off. "Oh _please_! Talking here involves Emmett and Rose going at each others throats and the rest of us laughing. And I don't even understand what the hell they're even fighting about. It's so boring! Besides, we finally have enough people for a real game."

Surprisingly, Rose was the first to give in. "It could be fun," she agreed tentatively, but I saw the glance she threw at Emmett. I grinned, and heard Jasper chuckle quietly from beside me.

"See!" Alice exclaimed.

"Yeah, why not?" Emmett shrugged, obviously catching Rosalie's drift.

"Awesome!" Alice pumped her fist in the air. They didn't even wait for Edward, Jasper and I to agree. Jake produced a bottle of tequila from behind the bar in answer, and sat it in the middle of the table with seven shot-glasses.

Alice opened her mouth to explain the rules to everybody, but Edward cut her off.

"I'm not playing," he said flatly. His eyes darted across the table, meeting mine for a split second. But it was enough. I got the hint – Never Have I Ever was a bad idea when you were trying really hard to cover up a huge secret. I opened my mouth to agree with him, but Alice cut me off.

"_Edward_," she pouted, sticking her bottom lip and giving her cousin the biggest puppy-dog eye's I'd ever seen. "You _have _to."

"I don't _have_ to," he muttered, shaking his head. He pulled out a cigarette pack and glanced across the table. "Jake?"

Jake nodded, giving him permission, and his chair scraped on the wood as he went to grab an ashtray from behind the bar. I watched as Edward struck a match and lit his cigarette, waving out the match and flicking it into the ashtray as he took a long drag. He blew a smoke ring and leaned back in his chair. _So suave_.

I quickly turned to Emmett when I felt his gaze shift.

"What's the matter, Eddie? Afraid you've done too much shit and now your true colors will shine through?" Emmett taunted, his baby blue eyes alight as he leaned across the table and teased Edward. "I mean, we know you're all bad-ass and shit, but I promise your secrets are safe with us."

I choked back a laugh, covering it with a sip of my beer.

Edward leaned back in his chair and groaned, running his fingers through his disheveled hair. "Fuck that. Drinking games are lame, man."

"I'm sure you'd know, Gayward," Emmett shot back.

When Jake let out a loud yelp of a laugh, he covered his mouth as he sat back in his hair, a grin still visible through his hand. "Sorry," he chuckled. "I just love it when people do that."

Edward glared at Jake, but then sighed and shook his head. He leaned forward to ash his smoke. "_Fine_. I'll play."

"That's what I thought," Emmett smirked victoriously.

Edward just shook his head and chuckled. It made my heart jump to hear that sound again.

"Okay!" Alice sang, clapping her hands together and calling the table's attention to her. "Is there anyone who's never played before?"

"I have," Jake teased, poking at Rosalie. She swapped him away, but I noticed she was biting back a smile.

"Anyway," Alice continued, not waiting for the rest of our responses. "We go around in the circle, and each person has to say something they've never done before. Like, never have I ever ridden a bicycle or something like that. Just… be more creative than that. And if you _have _done what the person said, you do a shot. Simple enough."

Rose wrinkled her nose. "I can't handle tequila. Can we play for drinks too? A sip or a shot?"

Alice shrugged. "I don't care, as long as you drink. Now… who wants to go first?"

I chanced a peek at Edward to find he was staring at the table, a look of frustration on his face. I sank back further in my chair, wishing I could crawl right up onto Jasper's lap or run and hide behind the bar again because something, a_nything, w_as better than this.

Pretending I didn't know anything about the man sitting across from me was next to impossible. And that combined with the fact that I was such a terrible liar I was practically handicapped… well, I had a sinking feeling that this game was not going to end well.

I looked up at Jasper, praying he'd somehow save me, get me out of this, but he only smiled across the table. "You go, Alice. It was your idea."

She made a face at him but straightened up and chewed on her glossy fingernail as she thought. She glanced around the table, sizing everybody up. "All right. Let's see… Oh, I know! Never have I ever been to college."

She giggled as Edward swore at her and downed his first shot. Edward was the only person out of the seven of us who'd ever stepped foot in a college classroom… or so we thought. We all stared at Emmett as he drank the shot sitting in front of him. He made a face as he set it down, and then looked up to see all our baffled expressions.

"You do know how this game works, don't you Emmett?" Rose asked slowly.

"What? Yeah. I did a semester of sciences. Wasn't my forte. Don't look at me like that, dude."

"Emmett, the college man," Rose grinned, and we all giggled at the image. "What were you gonna do? Try and find a cure for retardation?"

"Oh, go pop a fucking hood, Rose."

"Enough, children," Jake broke in, shaking his head.

Rose shot Emmett a glare and cleared her throat. "All right, well I guess it's my turn. I never… hmm. Well, I've never been in love."

My gaze instantly dropped to the table, a miniature glass of tequila staring me in the face. I felt Jasper shift beside me, and suddenly I saw nothing besides me, Edward, and our two shot glasses. My eyes travelled curiously along the table until I reached him. He seemed to be frozen as well, his fingers curled slowly into a fist, the muscles in his forearms strained. My eyes travelled up to his face, past his rigid jaw, to steal a glance at his emerald greens. I watched as his eyes slowly trailed upwards and came to rest on my own gaze. His expression didn't change, but I saw something soften deep inside his eyes. A flicker of something; maybe it was old memories, the good ones.

Because I'd only told three men in my entire life I loved them. One was dead; the other two were sitting here. And I'd only been _in love _with one.

And he was staring right at me.

I couldn't tell you what was going on around me. Maybe the rest of the table was staring at us. Maybe they'd moved on to the next person, oblivious to mine and Edward's sudden awkward staring contest across the table.

Was it only yesterday I'd told him we'd never been in love? I couldn't think. Maybe it made me the world's biggest hypocrite, but I shifted in my seat, and while holding Edward's gaze I reached out and took the shot glass with shaking hands. I didn't remove my eyes from him and he watched I tipped it back and the golden liquid slid burning down my throat. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and watched him, suddenly angry, waiting for him to make his move. Maybe this was my apology. Maybe it was something else altogether. I sat, motionless, as I waited.

He shook his head and looked away, his hand never reaching out for the glass. I glared and dropped my gaze, refusing to show how much that truly hurt. If that's what he was playing at, then fine.

Alice jabbed him in the ribs. "Come on, E. You've been in love! What about that girl from –"

"_Alice_," I heard him growl. "_Drop it_."

She just laughed and shook her head, but thankfully didn't press it.

Jake went next with, "Never have I ever fucked on my parents bed."

Rose and Emmett drank, and everybody else got a good laugh at the irony. I smiled along with the rest, but couldn't shake the lump rising in my throat. This was such a bad idea. If I had any sense at all, I'd fake an illness and turn in for the night. But I wasn't a sensible person, not when it came to shit like this. Maybe if I got drunk enough, I wouldn't notice the pain.

Suddenly, someone nudged me and I looked up to find everybody's attention turned to me.

"It's your turn, Bella," Jake grinned.

"Oh. All right…" I paused. "Well, I've never gotten a speeding ticket." A smile curled on my lips as I shrugged and looked pointedly over at Jasper. He glared back at me teasingly.

"A _speeding _ticket implies you drive over the speed limit."

"That's the point."

"Thank God we're not taking shot's for the _number _of tickets we have," Emmett said as he filled his glass. He, Rose, Edward, Jake, and Jasper all took a shot.

Alice giggled and high-fived me across the table, "Good one, Bella."

"Thanks," I grinned, sitting back in my seat as I sipped my beer. "And that's not a bad idea, Em. How many shots would you be at?"

"Umm… four." He looked around the table to hear everyone's tally.

"Five," Edward admitted.

"Two," Jasper, Rose and Jake all replied at the same time.

"Seriously? Five?" I found myself asking, my eyes widening and turning to Edward before I could stop myself.

He shrugged, not meeting my eyes as he replied. "Six years of driving, five tickets. It's not that bad."

"It's not that good either," I muttered, raising my beer back up to my lips. I heard Alice snort in laughter from across the table.

"All right, Jasper, it's your turn," she giggled as everybody turned to Jazz.

He stretched back in his chair and rubbed his stomach as he thought. I couldn't help but smile as I watched him, so casual and so confident. It had been a long, long time since we'd been this comfortable with a group of people. Well, _comfortable_ wouldn't be exactly the right word to use for me, but mostly everybody had been way more welcoming than I'd expected. But Jazz… he was in his prime. He _loved _it here.

"Hmm… well, unfortunately, I've never had a threesome."

This time, nobody drank. "Man, I was really hoping someone would drink to that," Jasper laughed.

"Dude, come on, we live in a small town. If we had a threesome, that'd be like sixty-six percent of the female population," Jake protested. "And you're almost guaranteed to be related to one of them. Maybe if I lived in the city…"

"Jake, _please,_" Alice giggled. "Like that wouldn't make a difference."

"Hey, all I'm sayin' is it'd increase the odds. Basic math, Al. Ask Edward," he grinned lazily across the table. "Edward, does living in the city increase a guys probability of getting women?"

"Well, for you it couldn't hurt, Jake," Edward agreed. "But then again, your rejection rate would go up exponentially."

"Hey!" Jake slapped the table after realizing Edward was mocking him. "At least I'm not a fucking man-whore, Cullen."

"And you're implying that _I _am?" Edward raised his eyebrows, challenging him.

"There's fucking no implications," Jake muttered. "Whatever. Who's next?"

Emmett was, and he had his answer ready, eager to ease the sudden tension in the room. I watched Edward as he glared across the table at Jake, his fingers twitching as they played with the label of his beer. _Man whore_? I shook my head, my hair falling around my face. Not surprising.

"I've never been on a Ferris wheel," Emmett smirked, knowing well he had a good one.

"Truly?"

"Nope." He shook his head, taking a swig of his beer.

"What, are you afraid of heights or something?" Rosalie teased.

"No!" he scoffed and shook his head, but the truth was clearly written all over his face.

"Oh my God! You're afraid of heights!" Alice squealed. "That's so funny!"

"I knew you weren't as tough as you look!" Jake cried.

"Hey! Come on. Just because a guy is afraid of heights doesn't mean he's a wimp," Edward stepped in and clapped Emmett on the back. "It just means he has a man-gina," he finished with a lopsided grin that did stupid things to my heart rate.

_Man-whore_, I reminded myself, and the feeling dissipated instantly.

"Fuck that!" Emmett protested. "I'm not _afraid _of heights. Honestly. I just… prefer solid earth. That's all."

"Dude. You're a fucking girl," Jasper laughed.

"Hey, it's a common phobia!"

"Yeah, in _chicks_."

"Shut the fuck up and drink, you cocks."

I joined in on the laughter and took my shot, because Ferris wheels were the best. A fair used to come to town every summer when I was a kid. Edward and I had even gone to it together, saving the Ferris wheel for last so it would be dark and we could sit up high and make out and just watch the twinkling lights below us—but mostly to make out. I wondered if he was remembering the same thing right now. I was too afraid to chance a glance his way and find out.

"All right, Edward," Emmett clapped his neighbor on the back. "You're up man. Whatcha got?"

Jasper lit two smokes and handed me one, then slid the ashtray towards me but my eyes were fixed on Edward. I watched as he ran a hand through his hair and then looked up, his gaze meeting mine for a fraction of a second. I stopped breathing.

I felt my heart stutter as Edward's response left his lips. "I've never run away," he said softly.

I felt like everything was about to come crashing down on me. Jasper stiffened beside me, and let out a low breath. He moved to release me and all I could do was think was _this is it. It's over. We can't hide anymore._ But then, without even realizing it, Alice saved the moment by shoving her cousin and letting out a loud groan.

"_Edwaaard_! I told you that in confidence! Man, you suck a keeping secrets." She poured herself a shot and threw it back.

"You ran away?" I heard Rose ask.

"Ugh. I was a kid! It was one of those things where you fight with your mom and dad and tell them you're running away, only most kids don't, you know? Well, I did. Well…. I _kind of _did. Long story short, I 'ran away' to the tree house in my backyard." She buried her face in her hands. "That story is so embarrassing because Esme and Carlisle freaked… they thought I actually left. I sat there and watched as the called the cops and went searching for me. I was a terrible kid."

I took my drink while everyone's attention was on Alice – everyone but Edward, that is. I could feel him watching me the entire time.

"Wow, you were a terrible kid," Jake chuckled.

"I was." Alice hung her head. "Edward, I'm so getting you back for that one."

He didn't reply, and I wasn't even sure that he heard her. I took a long drag of my cigarette, resting my head on the back on Jasper's arm. I knew what Edward meant by that. And Jazz did, too. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and held me tight, glaring at Edward. My heart was pounding out of control and I prayed that Jasper would keep his mouth shut. Because I didn't want this mess to deal with. Edward would hate me forever because of what I did to him and I _got _that. I didn't need this torture or this guilt-trip or whatever the hell he was trying to pull. The last five years of my life, living with what'd I'd done, what I'd left behind, was punishment enough.

I stared down at the table, my legs bouncing restlessly. My hands gripped the sides of my chair, almost as if holding myself in place. I vaguely heard Alice's 'never have I ever', something about a bubble-bath and a rubber duck, and everyone around me broke out into laughter.

I was suddenly not in the mood to play this game.

I stood up quickly, maybe a little too quickly, and steadied myself by grabbing onto the table. Alice, who was still doubled over giggling, turned her attention turned to me as I stood.

"You okay, Bella?" she asked, her face slightly red from laughter.

"Mmmhm. Bathroom break," I muttered, dropping my cigarette in the ashtray and hightailing it toward the back of the bar. I was certain that they all thought I was gonna go puke or something, and I didn't really care. I needed to put some distance between me, Edward, and that fucking game. Fast.

**x.x.x**


	10. Champagne in Plastic Cups

_Chapter 10: Champagne in Plastic Cups_

**A/N: **A huge thank you to all my lovely, lovely readers. You guys are all amazing. And hello to all my new readers - so glad you stumbled across my story.

I owe a few readers a ginormous thank you for some L&L lj rec's: furousha, a_song2sing, and itjustrained. If you've seen it rec'd somewhere else, let me know so I can properly thank the culprit

This picks up where last chapter left off (lol I know, right? Imagine that!)**  
**

* * *

**Mind, of destructive taste  
I choose...to stroll amongst the waste  
That was your heart  
Lost in the dark  
Call off the chase**

**Walls of thought, strong and high  
As my castle crumbles with time...  
I think of you  
Oh, yes I do  
Such a crime**

_**Sea of Sorrow - Alice in Chains**_

**x.x.x  
**

**Edward**.

The laughter died down and a hush fell over the table as Bella jumped from her chair, her sudden distress left us shifting uncomfortably in our chairs. Uneasiness rolled around in the pit of my stomach. _Dick move, man. _

"Is she… gonna be all right?" Alice asked, turning to Jasper as we watched Bella rush to the back of the bar, pushing chairs out of her way as she went.

Jasper's face was hard as he watched her go. "I… don't know." He glanced over at me, eyes full of hate and I narrowed my eyes back, challenging him.

_Make your move, bitch. _

"Should someone go check on her?"

"I'll go," I said through my teeth, my eyes never leaving Jasper's.

"No," he growled, his voice gritty and forceful. He cleared his throat. "She just needs some air."

"I didn't think she even drank that much," Rose commented.

"She didn't," Jasper replied, his glare intensifying. I was sure that by now, everybody was wondering what the fuck was going on between us.

"I'll go check on her," I said again, moving to stand up.

"No." Jasper said, louder than before. "She just. Needs. Air," he repeated slowly.

_Who the fuck does he think he is? _I opened my mouth to say something I'd probably regret, but was cut off.

"Jasper, what's going on?"

And of course it was Alice, my sweet, beautiful little Alice, who could tear Jasper's gaze from mine. And that infuriated me further. I clenched my hands under the table, glancing over at Alice's nervous frown.

"Nothing, sweetheart," Jasper replied, his smooth voice making my blood boil. I wanted nothing more than to punch that motherfucker square in the jaw. Just once.

Okay, maybe a few times. But once would do it for now.

"I think I said something to upset her," I said. My legs bounced under the table but my voice deceivingly calm. "I'll go check on her, apologize."

"…Upset her how?" Alice turned to me, her voice trailing off, her eyes searching mine for an answer to this awkward, unexplainable situation. I had nothing to offer her.

So I rose from my chair, kissed Alice quickly on top of her head, and was in Bella's wake before Jasper could move to stop me. Not that he _would _stop me. Besides the obvious, I knew Bella had made him promise to stay out of it. And he would _never _betray poor, innocent, little Bella.

I'd heard the heavy backdoor slam during my stare-off, and knew that she must have made her way out to the alley. A part of me was going after her strictly to piss off Whitlock, because that was just far too easy and amusing and he fucking deserved it. But another part of me craved her company, even if she was pissed off at me and even if I was bound to say things to upset her further.

I closed the door hard behind me as I stepped out into the alley, I heard a loud sigh and a growl of frustration to my left, so I knew my presence was known. I lit a cigarette and slouched back against the wall and remained silent.

And so did she. I chanced a peek out of the corner of my eye and saw her propped up on an overturned plastic crate, leaning back against the brick wall, her legs stretched out in front of her. A light mist hung in the darkness around us, the tiny particles shimmering like glitter in the cool air. The dim streetlights glinted off the fresh beer still in her hand as she raised it to take a long swallow, her eyes boring holes into the chain-link fence across the street. I couldn't help the way my eyes followed the action, watching her lips suck greedily from the bottle, my tongue darting out to lick my own lips as she pulled the bottle away with a soft _pop_. She pulled her wet lips between her teeth, her tongue picking up the remnants of the alcohol.

_Damn. _

And I was fucking hard.

I sighed, pressing the back of my head against the cool brick wall, wishing I could just bang my head against it until blood ran from my ears.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" she asked, finally breaking the silence. Her annoyance rang clear in her voice.

I exhaled a cloud of blue smoke into the night. "Sucks when the last person you ever want to see just keeps popping up everywhere, doesn't it?"

She let out a short breath. "Fuck you."

I laughed dryly, taking a drag of my cigarette. "If only it were that easy."

"It is, from what I hear."

I drew in an angry breath, turning on her. "Oh, yeah? Well you obviously have good sources, you know, from being in town for what, two weeks? But that's like a year to you people, isn't it?"

"Like a one night stand is equal to a year long relationship to _you people_?" she sneered.

"Yeah, obviously. Look at all the bitches and hoes flocking me constantly. I _must _be a slut." I rolled my eyes at her ignorance.

She made a throaty growling sound, and that's when I knew I was really pissing her off. She threw back another mouthful of her beer, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"You just really have no fucking clue, do you Edward?"

"No, you know what, I fucking _don't _have a clue. So explain it to me, will you?" And because I'd been drinking and I was fucking pissed off and I was in the mood to yell at someone, I continued, "How do you do this? How do you fucking leave everything you've ever fucking loved to live like _this_? Why are you fucking _here_? And why in the fucking hell do you work with my cousin, bring your stupid fucking bodyguard around, and make her fall in love with him? Because now when you leave, it'll break my best friends heart. She's never _known _happiness like that. She's never been in love! So here I am, miserable as _fuck _just so she can be happy with that stupid fucking son of a bitch. Tell me, Bella, what the fuck? Explain this shit to me!" I flicked my cigarette across the street and it landed in a puddle, extinguishing instantly. I growled in frustration, a sound very similar to the one she had just made. My fingers tangled in my hair, tugging at the roots.

I was so very pissed and so very sick of this shit and ready to get the hell out of here, but I knew it would make me no better of a person than she was.

"Look, Edward, don't do us any favors –"

"I'm _NOT_ doing you any fucking favors," I cried, turning to her in anger, wishing I could just shake her, make her see.

"I'm fucking doing this for Alice. This has _nothing _to do with you, or him. This is about _Alice_. And even though I know he's going to fucking break her heart, there is nothing I can do about it. She's not going to change the way she feels about him! And she fucking _deserves _this little piece of happiness, okay? So don't think I'm doing any of this for you. If I had my way, I would have ran you out of town with fucking a pitchfork the second I saw you."

She was silent for a moment, and then she let out a quiet giggle. A beautiful, short, musical sound that made a smile curl unconsciously on my lips. When I realized it, I erased it with a scowl.

"What?" I growled, jabbing the toe of my boot into the loose pavement at my feet, trying not to look at her, trying not to catch sight of her beautiful infectious smile.

"Pitchforks?" she asked, glancing over at me, a grin playing on her face. She raised her eyebrows mockingly, her beer raised to her lips. "We're not ogres, you fucking caveman."

I let out a snort of laughter, unable to stop myself in time.

Silence fell between us, but suddenly the air wasn't so thick. It was easier for my lungs to pull in a breath. I felt lighter, and I wasn't all too sure I was happy about it.

The sudden hint of easiness between us with strange – I almost preferred the animosity.

"…When Emmett said that thing about the Ferris wheel, did you –"

"Yep."

"…How did you…?"

"How I know what you were going to ask?" I raised my eyebrows, turning my head so I could see her expression. Her eyes were watching me curiously, the beer bottle clutched between both hands, her lips pulled up into a thoughtful, half-smile.

"Yeah."

I exhaled and leaned my head back against the wall. "Please, Bella. You haven't changed _that _much. And obviously I'd think about that time at the fair."

"Obviously?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

I grinned down at my lap. "Yeah. It was the first time I got to second base."

She didn't reply, but out of the corner of my eye I saw her shaking her head as she fought back a smile.

"We can't do this."

"I know," I replied quietly.

"And about that shit you pulled earlier –"

"I'm not apologizing."

"Look, I'm not saying you have to. Just… don't fucking do shit like that. You're the one who's so determined on this remaining some big secret –"

"For Alice."

"For Alice," she repeated, rolling her eyes. "Whatever. I'm just saying, if you want to keep things quiet, you can't say that kind of stuff. You get Jazz all worked up and I… I just can't handle it…" she admitted, her voice trailing off at the end.

I didn't reply, just lit another cigarette. Apparently chain-smoking was the way I was going to deal with this. If Bella didn't kill me first, the cancer was sure to finish the job.

"…Do you think we'll ever talk about it?" she asked timidly.

"Honestly, Bella?" I sighed, glancing over at her. She nodded. "I just don't see what there is to talk about."

"Hmm."

"Hmm what?"

"Nothing. Just… explain yourself."

I sighed, rolling my eyes into the darkness. _This _was why I didn't want to be alone with her. She liked to talk about shit. If I didn't see a point, then why fucking open boxes of shit that had long since been in storage.

"We broke up, you left, broke my heart, end of story."

"I broke _your _heart?"

"Yep."

She laughed, but this time it was sarcastic and mean, not musical or beautiful. "You're delusional, you know that?"

"Mmhmm… So I've been told."

"Alice is going to figure it out," she said softly after a moment.

I shook my head. "I know."

"She'll be so mad at us for lying to her. And I hate that I'm making Jasper lie to her."

"I don't," I laughed bitterly. She glared at me and I shook my head. "Look, you just don't understand, you don't know how she'll react."

"How _will _she react?"

"She'll hate you."

"Oh." She was quiet for just a moment. "Because she thinks I broke your heart?"

"No, because she _knows _you did."

"Fuck, Edward. I wasn't the one who ended it, if you remember."

"I do. But I also remember you refusing to look at me, or speak to me, or even acknowledge I existed. And I remember you disappearing. One morning, I found that fucking note in my locker, and I just didn't _get it. _ I went to class, and your chair was empty, and I was worried because I thought maybe you were sick, or you were at… at _their_ grave, and skipping school again. But the next fucking day, you still weren't there. On the third day, I tried to find you. And you were gone – your locker was cleaned out… everything about you had disappeared. No good-bye, nothing. Just, gone… like you'd never even been there in the first place."

She let out a deep, frustrated breath. "You said some terrible things to me. I was trying to protect myself."

"By _running away?!" _I cried, letting out an incredulous laugh. "Bella, you've never had to protect yourself. You've always had Whitlock for that shit."

"Jasper looks out for me because he loves me! You… you don't look out for anyone but yourself."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "I looked out for you."

"Yeah, and then you left me lying on the fucking beach! _Obviously _I can trust you." She shook her head, taking an angry pull from her beer.

"Look, Bella, it's not going to fucking change anything. We can argue this over and fucking over but nothing will come of it. I'm sure we can at least act like two normal adults until whatever this is between Alice and Jasper blows over."

Bella let out a long breath. "Edward?"

"Huh?"

"…What if it _doesn't _just blow over?"

"It will," I vowed quietly. "It has to."

_It just fucking has to._

"You should at least tell Alice that I, or the girl from your past or whatever, didn't break your heart, that it was mutual or some shit so that if she does find out she won't be so pissed."

I laughed. "Right. Because that won't be completely obvious. I don't talk about that shit, she'd know something was up if I just randomly was like 'oh hey, Al, remember that girl that I used to love, the one I told you ruined me? Well, I've been thinking about it, and it turns out I was wrong, it was completely mutual, and I don't hate her after all. Yaaay. Now lets go bake cupcakes with sunshine and rainbows."

"Whatever." She let out an angry sigh and rose from her seat. "Why do you care, anyway? Why not tell her and let her hate me? It shouldn't matter to you."

I was almost offended by her words. I turned to her. "You know, maybe I'm not as fucking selfish as you think I am. We've _all _been through a fucking lot, Bella. And I'm not ready to watch it all fall apart again. And I don't want to be the reason for dividing up this group. I like seeing my friends happy. And I've put Alice through so much… she deserves this, even if it is with Jasper. And she…" I stopped, nearly choking on the words. "She deserves a friend like you."

She was quiet for a moment, the words hung awkwardly in the air between us. She drew in a shaky breath.

"Edward, what are you playing at?" I looked at her in surprise because her voice was low and full of hurt. I saw the glimmer of a tear on her cheek before she angrily wiped it away with the back of her hand. She was _crying? _What the hell?

"This afternoon you were so… _nice _to me. You say these things… things that make me believe that the Edward I knew was in there somewhere. And then you pull a fucking stunt like you did during the game? I don't _get it_."

I could only stare at her, words failing me. I wished I had an answer. I wished I knew what the fuck I was trying to do – my heart wanted to pull her close, watch the smile play on her lips and return it, hear her laugh, take care of her… And a part of me wanted to show her how messed up I was. Point out my scars, fall to my knees and tell her everything. Strip down, hold out my arms and show her what I'd become… make her feel the guilt for my constant state of pain. Show her who I really was… show her the monster she'd created.

When I didn't reply, she shook her head, growling in frustration. "Why?" she asked. "Why didn't you take that shot?"

My response was delayed because I couldn't honestly believe she was asking me _that. _"Seriously? Bella, it's a fucking _game_."

"No, it's not a fucking _game_, Edward. This is real fucking life, alright? These are real people and real feelings and you just…" she threw her hands in the air, "You don't even fucking _care_! What the hell _happened_ to you?"

I wondered if there was such thing as emotional whiplash. My anger dissolved instantly, my hands trembled as I looked up and saw her eyes glistening in the yellow light from the lamp above our heads. Her whole body was rigid and shaking and all I wanted to do was scream at her, drive her away from me. Ever since she showed up, I'd wanted nothing more than to cause her pain... and now that I was, I couldn't handle it. I hated seeing that look in her eye... the disappointment. It fucking killed me.

She had every right to be angry... to hate me.

Why the _fuck _did I have to be so messed up?

"I loved you once," she said, her wavering voice hardly above a whisper. "And now… I don't even know how I did."

Her words hit me like a punch in the gut. I gasped for a breath. "Bella, it's just… I can't-"

"_Quit_ with the fucking excuses! Just… stop it. Whatever you're trying to do, whatever you're trying to prove, just… _stop. _I fucking give up. You want me to leave? Fine. I'll get a fucking bus ticket in the morning and be gone. I just can't… _do this _anymore, Edward!" Her voice cracked, and she wiped away more angry tears.

My breaths became labored as I stared at her, feeling as if my heart was breaking all over again. Did pain follow me everywhere I went? Did I have to destroy _everything_ I touched?

"Bella… would you believe me if I said I'm sorry? There's just so much… I can't explain."

She sniffed quietly, looking so wounded, so fragile. But she stood tall, looked me in the eye despite her obvious pain, like she was trying to prove to me how strong she'd become. "Why not? You could always tell me anything."

"It's not the same anymore, Bella."

"There's something big you're not telling me, isn't there? I know I'm right. Something happened to you – and it _wasn't _just me, was it? Why can't you just fucking _tell me, _Edward?"

I just shook my head, the darkness threatening to swallow me. What could I say? _Because you would hate me even more. You wouldn't even be able to look at me. And I can't handle that. I was trying to hard to make it through this for you, Bella. So hard. But I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'd rather you look at me like the asshole you think I am than see what I truly am. _

"Why do you hate me so fucking much?! What did I _do_?"

The darkness, it was coming. The light around us was shifting, fading.

"All I ever did to you was _love you. _And you left me! _How _can you hate me this fucking much?!"

_I fucked up, Bella. Then you left, and I fucked up even more. _

"Edward," she pleaded. "Talk to me."

"No," I rasped.

She looked at me, just so fucking broken.

"You wouldn't understand."

"_Try me_."

"No," I growled. "Bella, just please understand something for me."

She watched me, those brown eyes overflowing with confusion, but she waited.

"I don't… I don't hate you. I'm sorry that I say these things to you, but understand, _please_, that I'm sorry. And I can't explain it to you right now. I just _can't_. I'm not the same person you used to know and I'm sorry about that, I really am. But I need you to... please... just go back inside." I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. It was easier when I didn't have to look into her eyes, and see her bewilderment, her anger, her pity.

"I don't hate you," I repeated through clenched teeth. "I'm angry, and hurt, but I don't hate you. I've never hated you. And I'm sorry that you think I do."

"Edward, if this is some kind of-"

"It's _not _your fault. Now _please_, Bella. Go back inside."

She moved move slightly, but I still sensed her there, watching me.

"_Bella_," I hissed again, clenching my fists. "_Please_."

She was still frozen. I was desperate; I couldn't let her watch this.

"I'll try harder. I promise." I choked. "I'm sorry. I'll try. Just please… go."

Finally, she sensed my desperation and finally, finally pulled open the door. I felt her eyes on me until the door swung shut behind her.

I took deep gulps of air, my hands pulling through my hair. I would try _harder_. I had to try harder. I stood on shaking legs, pulling in hard breaths, until my heart finally slowed to a normal pace.

I was weak, so fucking weak and maybe I was too proud or something, but I wouldn't let her seem me like this. I couldn't deny that there was a part of me that _wanted _her to see… because I knew Bella, and she would feel guilty, and a part of me still wanted her to feel that way. But she was right… she was _so _right. This wasn't a fucking game. I had to pick a fucking side. Except there wasn't a choice – there never had been. It was her, always.

It was time to make amends. It was time to make this fucking better.

I finally managed to push myself off the wall, flicking my smoke into the same puddle the other one had landed in, and turned towards the door. When I spotted her beer bottle left sitting on the pavement beside her seat, I automatically bent down and scooped it up. My fingers were still trembling slightly, but I shook it, the liquid sloshing gently from side to side in the bottom.

I raised the bottle to my lips to finish off the final sip, trying to vanquish the advancing darkness. But when her taste hit me, I staggered backwards, feeling like I'd just been punched in the chest. It rolled around in my mouth, danced on my tongue, all Bella, so sweet and tender and juicy and so familiar. I had to force myself to swallow the sip, and when I did it felt empty, lost. I stared at the stupid fucking beer bottle, and saw it for what it really was: just another reminder of everything I would never have. And although my body screamed in opposition, I poured the rest out at my feet. Then I chucked the empty bottle as hard as I could down the empty alley, pulling open the backdoor and listening to the satisfying, echoing smash of the bottle shattering into pieces on the wet, black pavement.

**x.x.x  
**

I stopped at the bathroom before getting back to the table. As I slid inside I made sure to lock the door behind me and double checked the vacant stalls. Pulling my wallet from my back pocket, my hands ripped it open as my fingers felt up and down the seams for a little plastic baggie I knew I had stashed in there. When I found it, I pulled it out and tossed my wallet on the counter.

I placed the bag in my palm and stared down at the two tiny white pills it contained.

I didn't know why I'd come in here. I never even realized I'd made the choice until I locked the door behind me. It was an impulsive, split-second decision; but it always was. I never planned on doing this shit – at least not consciously. But there was always some force, pushing me, pulling me, controlling me. And I had no desire to take back the reins. It was so much easier this way.

The darkness would win this one.

There was something… a saying, something about one step forward, two steps back. That was my life. I'd taken a step forward with Bella tonight. I'd given her the most honest words I'd uttered around her yet. "It's not your fault." She didn't know what exactly wasn't her fault, and I hoped she never would know. But I meant it all - even my apology, though I doubted she truly believed me.

For five years I'd been lying to everybody, to myself even… but it wasn't her fault. Not really. But it was easier to blame the first domino that tipped the entire row than the hand that pushed it over. And now she knew.

There was so much she couldn't know… But I was going to try. Not for her or Alice or Jasper or anybody. I was going to try for _me. _

Maybe I'd never have her again, but at least I'd live knowing I'd tried. I couldn't bare the thought of causing her anymore pain. I'd die happy knowing she was happy.

I stared down at that bag, at those pills, knowing Alice would kill me but small voice in my head declared that she'd never find out unless I told her. And I wouldn't tell her. I'd put her through enough. This once, this time, it was on me and no one else. I looked way too forward to seeing that smile; there was no way I could let myself be the cause of it disappearing.

I'd taken my step forward. Now was time to close my eyes and fall back into the darkness.

I could hear laughter drifting through the vents from the main bar, Emmett's boisterous laugh ringing clear about the rest. I wondered why I couldn't be fucking normal, why I couldn't sit out there and relax and laugh with them, just have a good time and not need this shit to get me through it. Normalcy. What the fuck is that anyway? I'd never known, and I'd probably never know it, because I was too busy swallowing pills and snorting and smoking whatever it took to cloud my brain so I couldn't ever even _feel _normal for one second.

It wasn't right, and it was a fucking cop-out, and I _knew _that. I battled with myself every single time, and I already knew how this would end. It was pointless, trying to talk myself out of it. I'd been good for a while now, and this once, this time would be different. I needed it; I fucking craved the shit. I wished it were a baggie of white powder I was holding in my hand but it fucking wasn't. I promised myself I would touch that shit anymore. I was weak, but I was trying.

Baby steps. That way, the fall to the bottom is not quite so steep.

I gripped the roots of my hair with my free hand, letting out a growl of frustration. My lips were still tingling faintly from the effect of Bella's taste and I wanted to wash it all way; wishing she didn't do this to me. Wishing she didn't turn me into _this. _

I began crushing up the pills on the counter even before I realized what I was doing. I thought about calling Jake back here but I knew it'd be way too obvious. That fucker was the only alliance I had in the battle. He hated the shit as much as I did but he'd be in here with me in a heartbeat. Jake and I were fucked; we ground on each other's nerves and bickered constantly, the only thing that ever brought us together were the drugs. And I had to admit it to myself; it was nice to have one person around here who didn't make me feel like shit for using. Maybe it was unhealthy as fuck, but when it came down to it, the disgusting junkie in me appreciated it.

Rubbing my face, I stared down my reflection in the mirror. I should have hated myself; maybe it would be easier to stop myself if I hated myself when I was high, but I fucking didn't. I loved being high. I loved who I was when I was high. Which it probably why they called that shit an addiction.

I used a credit card to shape two lines on the counter, and rolled a dollar bill, staring blankly down at the white lines. It was Xanax, something I normally only kept on me that always helped ease the crushing weight of come down off coke, but it was something nonetheless.

I stared down at the counter, unmoving. This is where the battle begun. And this is where I always lost. With shaking hands, I leaned down, raising the bill up to my face. I exhaled slowly as I lowered my face closer to the counter.

And then, a sound from the bar stopped me dead in my tracks.

I stopped breathing, straining to hear even though I knew I fucking didn't want to hear it at all. It was unmistakable, remarkable, unforgettable. It was deep, rustic sound of an acoustic guitar, swift and happy and laughing. It was Bella. And she was singing.

"_Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah. Some call me the gangster of love."_

"_Some people call me Maurice_." I could hear them, the rest of them join together for the "_Woop-woo_!"

"_Cause I speak of the pompatus__ of love."_

My eyes closed. _Oh good Jesus mother effing Christ… _

It was as if someone flipped a switch in my brain. _  
_

In once swift swipe of my hand, the powder was gone. I wiped the remnants off my fingers, and ran the water in the sink to destroy the evidence that clung to the porcelain basin. I shoved the credit card and bill back in my wallet and slipped it into my back pocket.

_Of fucking course. _

Pushing me over, pulling me back.

I stared down my reflection in the mirror. I'd be okay, tonight. She was here and she had saved me yet again.

And she had no idea.

"_People talk about me, baby. Say I'm doing you wrong, doing you wrooong. But don't you baby, don't worry. 'Cause I'm right here, right here, right here, right here at home_."

And I could only grin and shake my head, because only Bella would play a Steve Miller Band song and be able to pull it off. She was the only female I knew that could take a song with male vocals and make it sound even better. She had a fucking knack for that shit – and apparently still did. I couldn't help but be reminded of the time she'd sung _Free Bird_ for me as a birthday gift. She worked so fucking hard on mastering that song. I was no guitar genius, I could play a few cords and strum along to a few songs and that was about it – but I knew it was one of the trickier songs to play. I knew it had taken a lot of hard work for her to be able to do that. And it was one of the first times I'd ever heard her sing – like really, truly _sing_, and it was fucking incredible. It is something I'll never forget for the rest of my days.

My fingers swiftly unlocked the bathroom door and strode out into the main bar, my indecision, my weakness forgotten. My eyes instantly landed on Bella, perched up on the bar, the guitar on her knee as her delicate fingers picked at the strings. Her whole entire body smiling as she sang, kicking her feet freely to the beat, the only sign that she was actually working on playing the song was the way her teeth pulled her bottom lip into her mouth every once in a while as she concentrated.

Everyone was gathered around, singing along and laughing and it was such a fucking beautiful moment that I just wanted to stop time and remember this shit, everybody fucking happy and laughing and singing. Jasper was spinning Alice around as they danced to the music, Alice's entire face lit up as she belted out the words. Shit like this didn't happen often enough. Even Rose was getting into it, her legs tossed across Jake's lap as she laughed at Emmett and Jake's attempted singing. It was disastrous and drunk but hilarious and beautiful. I leaned back against the wall and watched.

"_Cause I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover, and I'm a sinner. I play my music in the suuuuun."_

"_I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a MIDNIGHT TOKER," _they all chanted, Emmett pumping his fist in the air_. "I get my lovin' on the ruuuuun."_

Bella threw back her head and laughed, somehow still keeping time and not even missing a chord. When she looked back down, her eyes met mine from across the room, her smile not fading as she tilted her head to the side, her gaze still on mine. Her eyes were questioning, and I nodded slightly, assuring her I was okay. For once, I was more than okay.

For once she didn't look away instantly.

And for once, neither did I.

She was so fucking beautiful, so fucking perfect doing what she loved.

She looked down almost shyly as she started the next line.

"_You're the cutest thing that I ever did see. I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree."_

_ "LOVEY-DOVEY, LOVEY-DOVEY, LOVEY-DOVEY ALL THE TIIIIME. OOOO-EEE BABY, I'LL SURE SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME."_

My gaze wandered over to Alice, who was giggling hysterically as Jasper shouted out the last line along with Emmett and Jake. Jasper pointed at her, and then swept her up off her feet, spinning her around the room. I felt something strange in my chest, and I realized that if I didn't fucking hate the dude's guts, I'd probably like him.

I shook my head quickly after the thought entered my mind.

Fuck that, Whitlock's a douche.

I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling relaxed and alive all at once, watching and grinning as they wrapped up the song. Bella only looked over at me once more, that same shy smile on her face. I felt the familiar pang in my chest as I watched her, but unable to stop myself, unable to leave.

I had never seen my friends this happy. And if I had, it was a long time ago. I was starting to realize that this was good for them, having new friends here, people they clicked with. And I realized that _this _was why I wanted to hide who Bella and Jasper truly were from Alice. This moment, these smiles and giggles and laughter, this is why I'd been such and insistent prick about it all. Because I fucking knew that if I hadn't, it I had squealed to Alice that first night who Bella was to me, than this moment never would have happened.

Alice would sacrifice her own happiness so I didn't have to suffer. Just like how I was sacrificing my happiness so she could finally have hers. Because _that's _what friendship fucking was.

And I knew that it was supposed to make me feel better about being such a fucking dick, but it didn't.

But I couldn't stop my smile from growing as I watched them all laugh and clap as the song wrapped up. I pushed myself off the wall and made my way over to the bar, hopping up and taking a seat beside Bella. She glanced over at me; her eyebrows raised, but didn't say anything.

"Bella, you're my fucking hero!" Emmett called, raising his beer and winking. Bella giggled, and blew a kiss back his way. Alice cheered and ran up to Bella, wrapping her arms around her legs, as that was about as high as poor Alice could reach.

"That was so much fun!" she squealed, bouncing as she laughed and looked up at Bella. "We have to do that again! Do you know any more songs?"

"I know lots. What else do you like?" Bella grinned brilliantly back at her.

"Play something country," Jasper said, grabbing Alice and dipping her backwards. Alice let out a loud yelp and then giggled as Jasper pulled her back upright. "I won't let you fall, baby," he said with a wink. He turned back to Bella. "This little lady needs to learn how to two-step."

Bella gaped at Alice in mock astonishment. "You don't know how to two-step!? Even _Edward _can two-step!" The second the words left her mouth, Bella locked up, her eyes widening as she dropped her gaze. I choked back my laughter, glancing over at Alice. So apparently we were telling Alice the truth _tonight_.

"Yeah, but what can't Edward do?" Alice shrugged, waving me off. I shook my head and chuckled, gracious for once that Alice-in-love was a completely blind and oblivious to the world around her. _Smooth move, Swan_.

"But anyway, I do, well, I _thought _I knew how to," Alice planted her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows at Jasper. "Apparently I've been doing it wrong all these years. But I trust this southern man knows a thing or two about dancing."

Jasper grinned and nodded in agreement, him and Bella exchanging glances of relief.

Bella shook her self and turned back to Alice, tapping her guitar thoughtfully. "Hmmm… How do you feel about _Fishin' in the Dark_?"

"Um…" Alice hesitated, her brow furrowed in confusion. ""It's kind of boring, I guess. But in the dark might be fun… I guess…"

"No," Bella giggled, and I laughed along with her. "The _song_, Al. By the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Come on, it's a classic."

Alice shook her head, looking cutely puzzled. "Oh."

"Alice isn't exactly fluent in country music," I explained with a chuckle.

"We're going to have to do something about that," Jasper murmured, lowering his face to hers. I looked away, my stomach churning.

Sometimes I wondered if I wasn't living out my worst nightmare.

"Alright, alright, just… follow Jasper's lead," Bella smiled, looking down and tuning her guitar. She started playing the opening notes of the song, fast and happy and upbeat and _so _country. I didn't hate country music – it wasn't my favorite thing in the world to listen to, but I didn't mind some of it.

"Ooooh, I know this song!" Alice squealed, recognizing the notes as her and Jasper began moving to the beat of_ Fishing in the Dark_. "I just didn't know it was by that Itty Bitty Band or whatever."

Bella let out a loud laugh from beside me, and I grinned, watching her.

"I can't believe you of all people let Alice live in the same vicinity as you without properly acquainted with the classics," Bella said, glancing at me quickly.

"Yeah, well," I shrugged, "It all depends on what you definition of _the classics_ are."

Bella shook her head, her long hair falling over her shoulder. "You used to be cool. I remember a time when you were the two-stepping master."

I grinned. "Maybe I still am. And I think you missed your mark there, lady," I pointed out, as Bella had forgotten to start singing at the point in the song where the vocals were supposed to begin.

"I meant to do that." She stuck out her tongue, quickly correcting her mistake.

"Sure, sure… Well, I'm gonna go show off my _master _two-stepping skills," I grinned, nudging Bella as I hopped down off the bar.

Bella raised her eyebrows and shook her head. She cleared her throat, and a moment later her passionate, soulful voice was breezing through the bar.

"_Lazy yellow moon comin' up tonight, shining through the trees. Crickets are singing and lightning bugs are floatin' on the breeze_."

I waltzed over to the table, grabbed Rose's hand, and hauled her to her feet.

"Edward, what are you doing?"

She was staring at me, her face incredulous. I met her ocean blue eyes and pulled her backwards, toward the makeshift dance floor Alice and Jasper had created amongst the tables.

"I'm dancing."

"You don't _dance_."

"I know," I said simply.

She huffed, but allowed me to take her one hand in mine and place the other on my shoulder.

Rose allowed me to lead her through the song. Well, more than allowed me to – Rose would never admit it, but she was enjoying the hell out of herself. I wished that damn woman could just wear a fucking smile every once in a while and not feel so goddamn guilty about it. She wore full body amour twenty-four-seven. A mask of protection. I spun her around, dipped her down low, and even twisted her behind my back, and she'd let out a shriek of delight of a giggle and then quickly wipe it right off her face. I shook my head, pulling her close to me.

"You know, you _are _allowed to have fun," I said softly in her ear.

I couldn't see her face, but I felt her shaking her head against mine. "I am having fun." Her voice was soft; sad, and not at all convincing.

"Then _show _it. You don't have to be such a goddamn robot, Rose."

She smacked my arm. "Fuck you, Edward."

"I know you don't mean that."

"Oh, but I do. You think you can go around, fucking telling us how to live our lives, when you're just as fucked up as the rest of us."

I shrugged. "Actually, I'm probably _more _fucked up than the rest of you."

I saw a hint of a smile as she shook her head.

"So you sure don't like Jasper, huh?"

My gaze drifted over to where Alice and Jasper were dancing, Jasper was holding his hand in the air, spinning her around. I scoffed. "It's that obvious, huh?"

"He's good to her."

"I know," I growled.

"I thought you'd be happy that she's happy."

"I'm trying."

Bella interrupted our discussion with her voice, singing sweet and lovely; passionate and gritty, "_You and me going fishing in the dark, lying on our backs and counting the stars, where the cool grass grows. Down by the river in the full moon light, we'll be falling in love in the middle of the night, just movin' slow_."

"She really an amazing voice, huh?" Rose asked softly as I spun us around where Jasper and Alice were.

"She does," I agreed.

"And she's kind of beautiful."

I was getting fucking sick of everybody fawning over Bella. But Rose… well, she didn't exactly hand out compliments all too often. Especially when it involved other girls and their looks. So I simply nodded and agreed with her.

"I'm surprised you haven't made a move," she said nonchalantly, her gaze meeting mine.

"I don't have to fuck _every _chick I see, Rose."

"Mmmhm," she rolled her eyes.

"_I don't_," I insisted softly, pulling her closer to me, my hand slowly traveling father down her hip. She narrowed her eyes at me, but didn't say shit.

I released her, spinning her around once and then pulling her back to me more tightly, her arm snaking around my neck.

She moved her lips to my ear. "You have a serious problem, Cullen," she murmured, her voice steely.

I laughed as she pulled back, her blue eyes boring into mine intensely. "What are you talking about?" I glanced around the room. What the hell had gotten into her? She raised an eyebrow suggestively and I just shrugged, having no fucking idea what she was trying to convey to me.

"Rose what are you-" But then her gaze cut to Bella, and understanding dawned upon me. I tensed, but forced out a laugh, trying to play it off.

"You're going to have to come up with a better plan, Edward," she said quietly as Jasper spun Alice past us, Alice shrieking with laughter.

I shook my head. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"You don't tell her by her birthday, and I will. You think you're some fucking martyr? You're going to end up making this worse than it already is." She narrowed her eyes, giving me the look that had brought bigger men to tears.

"Rose-"

"I mean it, Edward."

I sighed in defeat. "How do you know?"

She laughed mockingly. "I know that look in your eye, Edward. You're so obvious it's disgusting. You are just so lucky Alice isn't seeing anything besides blondie over there, or you'd have a fucking problem." She dropped my hand and waltzed back to the table, sliding into the seat next to Emmett and shooting me one last meaningful glance. I ran a hand through my hair, glancing over at my cousin. Jasper had his arms wrapped around her waist from behind, spinning her around in circles like a child, and she was squealing with laughter.

Rose was so right.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

My eyes were glued to Edward as he danced Rose around the floor, the two of them together looking like some graceful Greek god and goddess the way they moved together without even really trying. He was grinning, that arrogant, cocky smirk on his lips and he was acting like our little confrontation outside hadn't even happened. Like he hadn't nearly fucking fallen to pieces in front of my eyes. He was in so much obvious pain that the last thing I wanted to do was walk away and just leave him there. It was still my instinct to hold him tight - make it better. But he was desperate to have me leave, though my brain wanted to do nothing but reach out and comfort him.

I grew more and more confused by the second.

What in the _hell _happened to him?

I didn't understand. I couldn't even begin to guess. But I was beginning to understand that this _thing_, whatever it was, was so much bigger than the two of us.

I came back inside, gloomy and confused and torn. I think Jazz sensed that Edward and I had been out back arguing, so he'd suggested I try and play everyone a couple songs. Their excitement and joy was infectious, and soon I found myself picking away to The Joker and trying to hold back my laughter as they sang along.

Then he walked back in the bar, looking like he'd had some fucking epiphany and melted my damn heart the way he looked at me.

Alice's laughter snapped me back to the present and I looked down, wrapping up the song. When I glanced back up Rose was already back in her seat and Edward was standing in the middle of the floor, his brow furrowed like he was working out some difficult algebra problem in his head. Not that any algebra problem had ever been hard for Edward, but that was beside the point.

"Bells! That was awesome!" Emmett called, raising his beer in the air. I scooped mine off the bar beside me and cheered him, grinning.

"Yeah, that was great, Bells. Hey so how many songs do you know?" Jake asked, swinging his feet on the floor and leaning forward in his seat.

"Lots," I promised him, setting my beer back on the counter. I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "I've spent five years bumming around damn hotel rooms – I've had lots of time to practice. Why, what do you want to hear?"

He shook his head, a slow grin forming on his face. His gaze darted to the back of the room. "How do you feel about performing?"

My face blanched as I followed his gaze and caught his drift, my eyes locking on the small, raised stage in the corner. "I… uh…" I stuttered, shaking my head. "I don't really… _perform_. It's just for fun."

Alice clapped her hands together, bouncing up and down from where she was standing next to Jazz. "Yessss! Bella, yes! Oh, Jake I bet lots of people would come see her."

Jake nodded, taking a thoughtful pull from his beer. "That's what I'm thinking."

"Uh, you guys-"

"You don't have much to live up to," Alice promised me. "Remember how terrible we told you Embry and Quil were? Oh, it would be so amazing, Bella!"

"I've only played two songs – what if I suck?"

Jake looked pointedly over at Jasper, and Jazz let out a betraying laugh. "She doesn't suck."

"I'll be front row and I'll throw my underwear on stage for you," Emmett told me.

I was so flustered that his words didn't register as a joke. "Uh, that doesn't really… um… thanks?"

I heard Edward snort in laughter from somewhere behind me.

Emmett raised his eyebrows and winked. I shook my head and looked down, feeling a blush creeping up on my cheeks.

I spoke to my shoes. "Jake, I don't know if I could do it. I've never actually _preformed _before. I mean, it wasn't long ago I wouldn't even play in front of _Jasper_."

"But don't you want to try? We'd all be here – you'd know everybody in the crowd. It could be fun. And if you chicken out, we'll throw Edward up there or something."

"Or Emmett could do a comedy act," Edward chuckled, coming to lean up on the bar next to me. He looked up at me. "You should do it, Bella. We've never actually had someone _good _play here before."

"See, the man just complimented you, that means you _have _to do it," Jake said.

I shook my head. "I don't know…"

"It would just be an acoustic set," Jake promised. "As long as you want. If you decide you can't make it more than one song, that's fine. There'd be no pressure."

I let out a sound that a half-groan have laugh. "Ugh, maybe. I don't know."

"Aw, come on, Bells. You could totally do it." This time it was Jasper.

"I don't know.. _Maybe_."

"Maybe's just not good enough."

I shook my head. "Uuuugh, you guys!"

"_Bella_!"

"Yeah, come on Bella!" Edward nudged me.

I made a face. "I don't know…"

"Free drinks!" Jake threw in. Then he raised his eyebrows. "Free Jacks, all night."

I looked up at the ceiling in frustration and ran my fingers through my tangled locks. "You really know how to bribe a girl, don't you?"

Jake's grin widened. "Is that a yes?"

I buried my head in my hands and groaned. "Yeah," I muttered shaking my head as every one around me erupted into cheers.

Dammit. What the hell had I just gotten myself into?

**x.x.x  
**

* * *

**A/N: **Anybody sick of taking baby steps? Yeah, I think it's about time for some giant fucking leaps. Hold on tight, loves.


	11. Starlight

_Chapter 11: Starlight_

**A/N: **Hope you enjoy what I have up my sleeve for you lovelies.

Thank you all for the music recs. I had fun picking out songs for this chapter :) Not so much fun writing it, though. Damn, it was a lot harder than I expected. And I really didn't want to litter my writing with song lyrics. Ick. So I just hope it translates okay…

* * *

**Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise**

_**Blackbird – the Beatles **_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

I let out another long, frustrated breath and ran my fingers through my hair. My guitar bounced on my knee, my legs bounced restlessly as I chewed on my thumbnail and stared down at the blank piece of paper sitting on the bed next to me. I clenched a pen between my fingers and tried to focus. Minutes ticked by, relentlessly counting down the time I had left until I would have to make up my mind. I already had five crumpled sheets of songs and bands crossed out as I tried to decide what in the hell was I going to play tonight.

My stomach clenched again at the thought of me being up there, on that tiny stage, all alone… even if it was just my friends there, the thought terrified me. I'd never been on a stage to know whether or not I actually had stage fright, but I was going to find out tonight. I reached for the beer sitting on the nightstand and took another long gulp.

Alcohol. I was going to need lots of alcohol to get me through this.

Jake had scheduled me in for Thursday night. He'd done so, promising me that Thursday's weren't as busy as the weekend, blah, blah, blah, but I knew it was a lie. Too many people had already promised me they were coming. I tried not to mention it to anybody, but between Jake-The-Gossip-Queen-Black and Chatterbox Alice, I was pretty sure the entire town knew about it. Actually, I was positive they did.

I brought the end of the pen up to my mouth and chewed on that before I gnawed my thumb down to the bone. I'd been putting this off for over a week. But now I only had a few hours before I had to be at the bar and up on that stage, so I had to get something figured out. I was running out of fucking time.

There were songs I loved – songs I knew I played and sang well but… I honestly didn't want to perform them in front of Edward. I was a chicken shit and I knew it, but a lot of those songs either had a lot of history between us or else I'd learned them because they caught my ear, reminded me of him, of us. And things were finally beginning to simmer down between the two of us; we hadn't had a shouting match all week and had actually attempted a few normal conversations. Even he and Jasper were on friendlier terms, though I suspected it was mostly just to placate Alice. But I really didn't want to ruin it. Especially since I'd been spending the entire weekend with him in close corridors at Alice's cabin.

I tried to come up with a happy medium – songs I could do well and wouldn't stir up any old memories or cause any tiffs, but every time I jotted down the name of the song, I remembered how I hadn't quite nailed down that solo, or could hit that note every time and just ended up scrapping it.

I stared blankly down at the white paper before me. It _had _to be today. I knew the date was creeping up on me; the sick uneasiness that grew in the pit of my stomach always alerted me to this date every June for the past five years. Yet I still hadn't completely clued in that the day I was playing my show directly coincided with the anniversary of the fire. Part of me felt like this was a good thing. Jasper and I rarely acknowledged the date aside from edginess we both felt all day, the easily the provoked tears that fell from my eyes and the exceptionally sullen darkness in his. But it had been five years, and a part of me was glad I was doing this, paying a tribute of my mom and step-dad. But part of me felt like it was so wrong. So sick and twisted and _wrong_.

But, if anything at all, this show served as one hell of a distraction from the pain the day at hand always caused me. And for that, I was thankful. Because I was sitting here mulling over songs to play instead of the recalling the scene Jasper and I had arrived home to that fateful night. I wasn't thinking about the comfortable silence of drive home from the theater, or hearing the echoes of sirens in the distance and brushing off the ominous wailing without even a second thought. I was staring at a blank piece of paper instead thinking about the confusion that washed over me when Jasper pulled on to our street and we realized just how close the fire was to our home. I wasn't picturing the dark sky lit up by orange licks of flame that disappeared into a thick, black cloud of smoke as our lives drown in the fire. I didn't have to feel the pounding of my heart or hear the unrelenting screaming in my head when I leapt from the truck before it was even in park and sprinted towards the burning mass which had once been my home. I didn't have to feel the strong arms of a heavily suited man drag me away to safety as I kicked and someone screamed in my ear. I didn't have to think about how long it took me to realize the hoarse, hysterical cries were mine. I didn't have to watch the lips of victim services woman moving before my eyes, my brain unable to process her words as she delivered the news that would turn my world upside down. I didn't have to feel Jasper's tears on my t-shirt, or remember his ability to support my entire body when my legs buckled beneath me. No, I didn't have to think about any of it.

And for that, I was thankful.

**x.x.x**

It was getting close to three o'clock when I finally said _fuck it _and scribbled down all the songs I knew I would be able to nail, ran through them all a few times, changed the strings on my guitar, showered, and slipped into a ripped pair of blue jeans and a simple white tank-top.

I kept my hair down. Edward seeing my tattoo tonight was so not an option. Mind you, if I showed it off up on stage… there wasn't a whole lot he could do about it. I grinned to myself, imagining his reaction, but quickly remembered the weekend I had ahead of me and cringed. The last thing I needed was to be the one causing drama at Alice Cullen's birthday. I adored the girl, but I wouldn't put it past her to tear my throat out if I ruined this for her. Yeah, I was going to hide that tattoo like my life depended on it – because, for as much as I knew, maybe it did.

Alice was knocking on my door at six, just as I was applying a coat of mascara to my lashes. She was vibrating with so much excitement it made me want to puke.

"Alice, you're making me nervous. Calm down, please," I begged, leaning against the doorframe after I'd let her in the room.

"Bella, this is a big deal though," she hopped onto my bed and grinned brilliantly up at me. "I'm just so excited. The whole town is buzzing about this!"

"You're really not helping," I mumbled.

"You're going to be fine," Alice promised me. "You can do this, I _know _you can! Here." She dug a bottle of water from her purse and tossed it to me. "I promised Edward that I would make you drink this. He said anything else is bad for your vocal chords." She glared pointedly at the beer in my other hand.

I set the beer down on top of the TV and unscrewed the cap on the water, raising my eyebrows doubtfully. "Edward made you promise?"

"Yes, and he was very insistent about it, too."

I made a face. "Little does he know, I won't need my vocal chords if I can't find the liquid courage to get my ass on that stage."

"You're so dramatic sometimes, Bella." Alice rolled her eyes.

I stuck my tongue out at her but shut up and drank the entire bottle while she began listing off things I'd need to bring with me to the cabin this weekend. But I did sneak the odd sip of beer while Alice was preoccupied and felt pretty damn good about myself for managing it. _Hah_.

Tomorrow the bar would be closed and we were packing up and heading out to the lake in the morning for Alice's birthday weekend extravaganza. I was actually getting excited for that – Alice, Jake, Emmett, Edward and I were leaving in the morning to spend the day there, and because Rose and Jazz had a job they had to finish up before Monday, they were coming up Saturday night for the party. And the weather had been great all week; I hadn't realized how hot it could get in Forks with the appearance of the summer sun combined with the humidity. We'd had to turn on the air conditioning in the bar, for Christ's sake. I never thought I'd see the day. And Alice was convinced the heat would hold out for the weekend – even the weatherman was predicting blue skies. I couldn't wait to put on a bathing suit and jump in a lake, or just relax in the sand. But before any of that, I had to get through tonight.

Tonight. _Ugh_! What the hell was I going to do about tonight? But I didn't have a choice anymore. I'd agreed and Jake had made all the arrangements, and even if it meant I was going to puke on stage and get completely schmammered later tonight, I was going to follow through.

I had to do it. Didn't mean I was excited, didn't mean I wasn't nervous as hell, but I had to do it.

I wanted to take my time getting out the door, but Alice was working at warp speed as she starting sifting through my clothes and folding them up in my suitcase. I simply sat back and let the woman work. She had just finished my dress this afternoon, apparently, and although I hadn't seen it yet she had brought a measuring taping into work with her earlier in the week and taken my measurements and promised me it would be a perfect fit. I personally didn't understand what was wrong with me wearing blue jeans to her birthday, but I sure wasn't going to be the one to point that out.

Soon Alice was ushering me out the door and I lugged my guitar and suitcase into her car. I was spending the night at her place so we could "save time" in the morning and get our asses out to the lake. Just as I was shoving my suitcase in the trunk of the car, the guys came walking up to the hotel, home from work.

Jasper kissed Alice on the lips, then swept me up into his arms in a hug. He grinned up at me, his grey eye's twinkling.

"Bella. Breathe."

"I am." My voice was much higher than I remembered it being.

Jasper laughed. "Bella. Seriously, you're going to be amazing. You know you can do this, and there is no way I'm letting you back out. I'll be right at the front, I promise. Like it's just you and me."

I felt my eyes welling with unexplainable tears and I shook my head as I blinked them back, laughing at myself. I never used to cry, and now I was getting emotional over _this? _There had to be something in the water here.

Jasper tilted his head and kissed my nose. "You're the bravest girl I know. You _can _do this."

My teeth dug into my quivering lower lip. A lone tear escaped, and then I was laughing.

I waved a hand in front of my face, and Jasper set me down. He grabbed my arm, and brought his other hand up, brushing away my tear.

"Bella." His voice was soft, but he was laughing quietly at me. Or with me. Or something. I didn't even know anymore. "What's wrong?"

I closed my eyes. I wished my mom could see me now – she'd be busting a gut laughing at me and crying right along with me. Sometimes, I really was my mother's daughter.

"Jasper, quit saying stuff like that, her mascara is going to run. Bella, get a hold of yourself! You're making this a way bigger deal than it has to be. Come on." Alice grabbed my hand, yanking me away from Jasper and toward the passenger seat of her car. She narrowed her eyes at Jazz. "You stay away from her until after the show, alright? We have to get going. We'll see you there. Nine o'clock." Leave it to Alice to take control of the situation.

"But I was just-"

Alice's glare intensified, and Jazz dropped his hands to his sides, his eyes wide with confusion. "Alright, alright. Uh… can I say good luck?"

"Yes."

Jasper craned his neck. "Good luck, Bells."

"Thanks," I sniffed.

"See ya, Bella." It was Emmett laughing from somewhere behind me. I waved a finger in his direction and climbed into the car.

**x.x.x**

It was just Jake at the bar when we got there, he was covering my shift for the night but I almost wished I was working – I would have liked some sort of distraction from the growing knot in stomach. By eight o'clock, people really started showing up.

First it was Emmett and Jazz, then Mike and Jessica with Jessica's friend Lauren and a couple other people whose names I didn't know. Then Angela and her boyfriend Ben, who I never really saw around the bar but Angela worked at the public library and I'd ran into her a few times while I scoured the place for readable books. They were making a special appearance just for the show. Then the Quileute boys: Embry and Quil, Sam and his wife Emily, Jared, Paul, and another group of people I didn't know.

As the place grew more and more packed, I found my gaze darting helplessly around the bar, seeking out copper hair and a pair of green eyes. I didn't know why I was looking for him – maybe some sort of comfort since Alice had banned Jasper from talking to me. Edward had always known the right thing to say to put me at ease. Big emphasis on the _had._ But I also think I was half-hoping he'd say something snarky and distract me from my growing nervousness. I reasoned that if I were angry, I probably wouldn't be so nervous. But at eight-thirty he still hadn't shown up, and I began to wonder if he would come at all. Would he remember the significance of this date? Would it be too hard for him to watch me up there, singing songs I used to sing to him? Or did he just not care at all?

Thankfully, before it was time for me to go up on stage, Emmett and Jake took me out back to get me high.

"Will you play better stoned?" Jake asked, passing me his pipe and a lighter.

I lit it, inhaled, exhaled a cloud of smoke; not enough to make me cough up a lung but enough to take the edge off. "Probably not, but I won't be so schitzo."

"Bella. It's good to be scared – it means you've got something to lose."

"Only my dignity," I said. Then I laughed, because it was funny that Emmett always got so philosophical when he was high. "There's a lot of people here," I said, trying to play it cool but I felt my heart hammering against my chest.

"You're the talk of the town, Swan," Jake told me.

My stomach clenched, and the pipe made its way back to me again. "God I hope I don't fuck up."

"You know you can play all these songs in your sleep. You're going to rock this," Emmett promised. "And I'll be front row, with the bag of tomatoes if you don't."

I snorted, passing him the pipe. "I don't care what you throw at me, Emmett. As long as you keep your underwear on."

**x.x.x**

**Edward. **

I glanced at my dash. 9:02. I pressed down a little harder on the gas as I sped down the vacant street, my eyes squinting against the setting sun on the horizon. I was going to be late. Bella was playing her very first show on the anniversary of her parent's death, and I was going to be fucking late.

I had planned on being there as close to nine as possible, because in all honestly I was too afraid to see her before the show. I didn't know what to say, if I should bring her parents up, if I'd be able to _stop _myself from bringing her parents up. And I was afraid of slipping up and blabbing to Alice, which was an entirely different issue. So I'd planned on being there a few minutes before she went on stage. But then I had fallen asleep, and now I was going to be fucking late.

It was 9:07 when I put my car into park and sprinted to the front door. I hoped I hadn't missed too much. The parking lot was packed, the bar even more so.

I took a seat at the back of the bar and breathed a sigh of relief. Bella was just walking up to the stage. She had her fingers wrapped around the neck of her Hummingbird, her other hand shoved deep in the pocket of her ripped jeans. I smirked as I watched her, praying she wouldn't trip. I had a feeling she was hoping the same thing, too. The thought made me smile bigger.

I craned my neck, spotting Alice sitting with Jasper, Emmett, and Rose up at the front by the stage. I would stick to the back corner for now – I didn't exactly know Bella's feelings on me being here. If I hung back in the shadows then I knew it wouldn't be an issue. The place was close to being as busy as I'd ever seen it. It was amazing – the amount of people who'd come out to see a girl they barely knew. But I think that's what was so enticing about the whole show – the mysterious, doe-eyed drifter was going to serenade the town. It was a performance not to be missed.

I slipped off my leather jacket and hung it on the back of my chair, nodded to Jake and he slid a beer down the bar for me. I lifted it in his direction in thanks and he grinned back at me, then we both turned our attention to the stage.

Bella chewed her lip nervously, but took a seat on the stool Jake had set out for her, her guitar resting naturally on her knee. Shining like that brightest star, she drew in a deep breath and smiled at the crowd gathered around the stage.

And it was just her and her music. It was so _Bella. _Empty stage, dim lights, soft whisper of anticipation, wearing the most simple blue jeans and tank-top, white bra straps peeking out over her soft angles of her shoulders. Her hair hung in loose waves, framing her face, her teeth nibbling on the pink chapped skin of her lips as she bit back a smile.

She pulled the microphone down and cleared her throat, the dainty, nervous sound shot a shiver throughout my body. The tension in the air was palpable as everybody waited silently for her to begin. She didn't introduce herself, not that she needed to, she simply threw herself into the first song. Fingers picking lightly at the strings, eyelashes fluttering gently on her cheeks as she closed her eyes for a moment, her pink tongue darting out and wetting her lips, and then opened that perfect mouth of hers and began singing.

She opened with _The World I Know _by Collective Soul. It was the perfect song; gently reminding us all that she meant business by pulling at our hearts, making us feel every emotion with every word. Every single pair of eyes in the room was trained on her, watching her every move, drinking in every note. Her voice was perfect, smooth and silky, gritty and soulful. If she was nervous, it didn't show.

She was on the stage, center of attention, and she was amazing_. _

I watched her, my toe tapping along to the beat, wondering if it were actually possible to be intoxicated by a person. Because she had me. I felt as if I were drowning in her words – her song, her voice, her music. She had us all; every single one of us. And she knew it.

I'd never seen Bella perform. Not like this.

When she finished, the applause was shocking. Her cheeks flushed lightly as she smiled back shyly; flirting with the crowd. The second song I recognized instantly; _Fly Away From Here_ by Aerosmith. She hit every note so perfectly as she crooned into the microphone, pouring her heart and soul into the music and smiling to herself because she _knew _she sounded amazing. The song… it was just so her. I took a sip of my beer and sat back in my chair, a stupid smile on my face. I was _proud _of her_. _I knew she could do it, but I had a feeling she hadn't been so sure. But now she knew she was unstoppable, unbeatable, perfect.

"Marry me, Bella!" It was Emmett's voice that rose above the rest, calling out to her from the front when she finished.

She cocked an eyebrow. "He's single, ladies," she said back, a grin on her lips. She wasn't playing for the crowd – she was playing the crowd. We were hanging on every movement, every note, every word. She had the entire room in the palm of her hand.

Next was Bob Dylan's _Don't Think Twice, It's Alright_ to get us all moving, stomping, buzzing. I couldn't help but wonder if she'd play Free Bird – and then I hoped she didn't. I like to think that song was just for me – it had been my present and I didn't want to share it with the small crowd of The Whiskey.

"So the girl does Bob Dylan."

I looked up in surprise as my aunt and uncle took a seat next to me. Carlisle looked relaxed in his jeans and t-shirt under a black jacket, a glass of water in his hand – Esme in her long flowing dress and beaded necklace and her signature bottle of Red Stripe.

"She does," I smiled back, leaning forward and raising my beer in greeting. "What the hell are you old balls doing here?"

"Alice said something about a big show," Carlisle told me. "And watch it, boy. My brother helped bring you into this world, so I'm fairly sure I can help take you out."

"I'm not afraid of you."

"You should be. You know, medicine teaches you a thing or two about how to get rid of a guy and make it looked natural."

"You're full of shit."

"You know if you'd finished school," he shot back.

"Oh, low blow." I clutched my chest in mock agony.

Carlisle chuckled and slapped me on the back. "This girl's good," he commented, nodding toward stage. "She's Alice's friend?"

"Yeah."

"Ah, it makes me wish I were young again," Esme sighed lightly, relaxing back in her seat.

"What are you talking about Esme – you're the youngest forty-year-old I know."

She laughed, the same carefree laugh her daughter had inherited. "You are one hell of a suck up, Edward."

I shrugged. "I prefer to call it charming."

Bella's laugh snapped my attention back to the stage. "Thank you." She beamed into the microphone as the applause died down at the end of the song. "This is really fucking cool," she said, looking down and laughing slightly, as if she was laughing at herself.

"I promise you guys I won't play much more sappy shit, but this song will always have a special place in my heart." She reached down for a bottle of water sitting on the stage at her feet. She twisted off the cap and flicked it towards Emmett, laughing lightly. He caught it and made a big show of placing a kiss on the small white lid and slipped it into his pocket. I grinned, hoping Alice had remembered to force-feed her the bottle of water I'd sent with her. Her eyes darted around the room quickly as if she were searching for someone, then she raised the bottle to her lips and took a few quick gulps and set it back down at her feet. She let out a light breath and looked down at her guitar.

She slowed down the pace with _All Around Me_ by Flyleaf, a song I knew only too well. And by the way she closed her eyes and the emotion that poured from her soul, I had a feeling this song meant to her what it meant to me. It was as if she was speaking to me, singing to me and only me. She was everywhere. This was us and it hurt, a pain in my chest I couldn't explain and wouldn't go away. The world around me seemed different, more real and vivid and sadder in a way because it was me and her; fingertips stretching to close the distance, but the gap was just too great. So, so close... yet so far out of reach.

She belted out the lyrics into the microphone, and I could feel the pain of the song on my skin.

I couldn't take my fucking eyes off her.

God I…

I closed my eyes.

I wished she were mine.

But she was showing us all, up there on stage, that she'd never be anybody's. She was free, untamable.

Esme and Carlisle clapped loudly for her at the end of the song. Esme leaned across her husband, jabbing me with her elbow and nodding towards the stage. "What did you say her name was again, Edward?"

"Bella Swan," I answered, pulling my beer from my lips.

Esme nodded, an unreadable expression crossing her face as she settled back in her chair.

Bella took another drink of water, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and grinning at the front row. "This next song is for my best friend."

Jasper laughed and hucked a blue bandana onstage, and without missing a beat Bella caught it and pulled it over her head like a headband. It was tied a little too big for her but she grinned down at him, looking cute as hell.

She laughed as she plucked away at the guitar, playing the intro to Queen's _Another One Bites The Dust _then winked at Jasper, quickly transitioning into _What I Got _by Sublime. I chuckled at the crazy, beautiful, fascinating girl up on stage. People sung along and laughed because it was Sublime, and everybody loved Sublime.

Next she played Maria Taylor and then some Guns n Roses. The range of songs she could play was truly incredible. And she nailed every single of one them. She laughed as she played Bob Marley's _Three Little Birds_ and then entire bar swayed back and forth and joined in.

"Uh, Carlisle." Esme's voice had a strange edge to it. She shook herself slightly and turned to me. "Edward, what did you say her last name was?"

"Swan," I replied slowly, wondering if my aunt was losing it.

"_Huh_," Esme breathed, her lips hardly moving. She sat back in her chair. "She looks like her father; got her mom's smile, though."

My jaw dropped. "What are you talking about?"

Both Carlisle and I were staring at her.

"Her mother loved that song. And I'd recognize that guitar, I'd recognize it anywhere." A smile played on my aunt's lips. "I thought maybe I was just imagining things… but Carlisle, you remember Charlie Swan, don't you?"

It was as if a switch were flipped in my uncle's head. His eyes widened, and he shook his head slowly, his gaze drifting back to Bella. "_I don't believe it_," he murmured softly.

"What the _hell _are you two talking about?"

"Of course you wouldn't know," Esme said quietly, almost as if she was speaking to herself. "Alice was hardly a year old… you probably weren't even born yet. It was devastating. Her parents were good friends of mine and Carlisle's. They were Charlie and Renee Swan."

I felt as if my eyes were about to bug out of my head. "You _knew _Renee?"

Esme laughed softly, tilting her head to the side as she watched Bella. "I used to sing with Renee Friday nights in this very bar before I had Alice. Of course, it was a really different place, back then. Jacob's father – Billy Black – had just opened the bar. Renee and I were very good friends. She and Charlie got married right out of high school. God, I can still remember the night those two fell in love; Renee and I were playing at a party – a bonfire on the beach. Renee was playing that very same guitar," Esme nodded her head towards the stage. "Charlie was a great man. Quiet and reserved, but he loved Renee so very much. She worked at a daycare here and he was a police officer. At that time, Carlisle was still in Seattle, finishing his residency and I had a thirteen-month-old baby at home. Those were busy times; everybody's lives were taking them in different directions – though I always remained close with Renee."

I could do nothing but gape at my aunt as she continued.

Esme looked down sadly, shaking her head. "She was seven months pregnant with her first child when Charlie was shot on the job. A big grow-op bust on the outskirts of town; some young kid got skittish and pulled the trigger. The entire town was devastated."

I felt my eyes well with tears as an unexpected sadness socked me right in the chest, my gaze shifting to the strong, beautiful, shining woman up on stage. It wasn't hard now, to see where her strength came from – Renee had always been so proud, so independent. She'd suffered through great tragedy, too. Bella had no idea.

"I used to baby-sit that girl all the time. After Charlie died, Renee tried so hard. But between being a first-time mom, grieving her husband's death, and putting up with all the gossip around town, well, it wore her down. I'd take Isabella for the weekends sometimes." Esme's gaze darted over to me. "You two always got along so well, Edward. You remember that, don't you, Carlisle?"

My eyes widened further as Carlisle chuckled lowly. "I do. You came to visit us more often back then; your father and I were much closer in those days. You and Isabella were born only a month apart. We'd put you guys in the crib together, and you guys would lay there all day, chattering away in complete gibberish. It was amazing to watch, really. Like you kids could communicate on some completely different level. Always drove poor Alice berserk, though. But it was fascinating."

"You're _kidding _me." Shit was getting too fucking weird. I had known Bella as in infant? I shook my head. This had to be some kind of mistake. "Bella grew up in Phoenix, though."

Esme shook her head, almost sadly. "I never knew where she went, but Charlie's death was so hard on Renee… she couldn't handle living in the town where around every corner she found reminders of him; of their life together. It got to be too much. Bella was almost a year old when Renee packed up and left town. She never told anybody where she was going." Esme let out a soft breath, her gaze back on the stage. "I never thought I'd see that girl again, though."

_You and me both._

Esme's smile grew as she exchanged a smile with Carlisle. "We're her godparents, you know."

I just stared at the stage, seeing everything and nothing all at the same time. My thoughts were running wild. Could shit get anymore complicated? My aunt and uncle were my long lost ex-girlfriend's godparents. My ex-girlfriend had been born in the town I was living in and she had randomly stumbled upon? Her father was buried somewhere in this town? Renee Swan had been bff's with my Aunt Esme? I Bella and I used to chill together in the crib as babies?

Did Bella know _any _of this? I seriously doubted she did. Bella had never known much about her father… but I remembered her telling me that Renee always said she was young and naive when she got married. Did she play it off like a failed marriage so Bella didn't have to know the truth? …Or could Renee not handle telling Bella the truth?

It was getting _weird_. I wondered how many times in your life you could cross paths with the same person without even knowing? In how many ways can you be connected to one person?

I watched the rest of the song in a half-dazed state while Esme and Carlisle quietly analyzed Jasper and gossiped about Bella beside me. I clapped a little too late at the end of the song, shaking myself as I watched Bella suddenly grow very solemn on stage. She shifted uncomfortably on her stool. It took me a minute to realize her eyes at met mine across the room, and by the time I did she was already looking back down at the stage.

"Uh… this song… I have to dedicate to two very, very important people I lost on this day five years ago. I know everybody out there has lost someone special and I like to believe that a part of them is always with us, every step of the way. So this one goes out to you; to all of them. This is _Landslide_."

I closed my eyes, my heart hammering in my chest. I had the urge to cry or go up there and hold her or something but I couldn't. I so fucking helpless. I felt Esme shift beside me.

"Is Renee…?" she murmured quietly, her voice trailing off at the end.

I nodded once.

"Oh." I didn't know one simple word could be so full of pain.

I opened my eyes, turning to my aunt. "Esme, Bella's been through a lot," I said gently, placing my hand on her arm. "Just… don't mention anything about her dad to her right now, okay? It's just… not good timing."

Esme nodded, understanding her wide, caring eyes. She turned back to the stage, and I saw the glimmer of a tear on her cheek. "Of course, Edward."

When Bella finished and the applause died down, she announced, "This one's called _Again _by Needtobreathe." I swear her eyes dated to mine again before she started playing. And as she began playing, I listened to the lyrics and could only laugh quietly to myself. I was fairly sure that she was truly singing to me now.

After that it was _Outside _by Staind, then _Going to California _by Zeppelin, _Times Like These _by the Foo Fighters, a Carrie Underwood song, and she finished it off with _The Joker_.

Everybody was singing along by the end of it and then on their feet when she finished the song. She grinned brilliantly at the crowd as she thanked everybody, placed her guitar back in its case, and walked off stage as simply as she walked on.

Alice was the first one to her. She threw her entire body at Bella and she caught Alice, stumbling backwards and laughing. Jasper was next to her, then Emmett was scooping her up in a hug. I excused myself from Esme and Carlisle and made my way to the growing crowd at the stage. Alice had her arm looped through Bella's already pulling her towards the bar.

"Bella! That was awesome!" I could hear Alice exclaim.

Bella just grinned and laughed. The look on her face washed away every bit of anxiety and sympathy I'd been feeling earlier. She was completely shining. I don't think I could have wiped the smile off my face if I wanted to.

Her eyes met mine and her smile grew. "I didn't think you were going to show," she accused, pointing her finger at me in mock anger.

My body was jolted by her closeness, and I pulled back slightly in surprise. But her sparkling brown eyes never left mine. "Yeah, traffic was bad," I grinned. "That was amazing, Bella."

"Thanks," she said breathlessly, practically mouthing the words.

We stood there, grinning at each other like fools. I reached out, adjusting the bandanna she still had tied around her head, and she looked down and giggled, her cheeks flushing a light pink.

"Bloods or Crips, gangsta?"

She shook her head. "It's a long story - I used to wear it all the time."

"That's not a long story."

Bella's lips curled up in a smile. "Shut up."

"It's very badass," I winked. "I like it."

"Bella! Come on, congratulatory shots!" Alice wrapped her hand around Bella arm and directed her to Jake, who was waiting behind the bar. She gave me an apologetic half-smile and allowed Alice to lead her through the crowd.

I just stood there, my hands in my pockets, grinning like an idiot as I watched her. People all around me were moving, rushing the bar to get drinks, or to congratulate Bella, or say 'hi' to people they hadn't had a chance to see before the show. Somewhere beside me, I could hear Alice introducing Jasper to her mom and dad. Jake poured drinks, calling out for Alice's help but she ignored him. Rose and Emmett stood off to the side, laughing about something. Newton slapped my back as he passed me and I hardly glanced at him. My eyes were glued to her.

Laughing, hugging people she hardly knew, taking shots and laughing again. My smile grew every time hers did.

She was the only person in the room.

She was everything.

Everything I'd ever lost in my life stood only feet away from me.

It was time to start getting everything back.

**x.x.x**

I tried to socialize as the crowds slowly died off. People that had to work in the morning were beginning to say their good-byes and make their way home. I sat with Angela and Ben for a while, stomached some of Jessica Stanley's very poorly aimed flirting, did a shot with Embry and Quil and Seth Clearwater, who was underage but Jake was more or less looking the other way tonight. Esme and Carlisle had long gone home, but not before Esme wrapped both Bella and Jasper in loving hugs and kissed them both very sweetly on the cheek.

Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I excused myself from the guys and headed to the bathroom. In the time that it took me to take a piss, refill my drink, and dodge Jessica _again_, Bella was standing by the bar, swaying on her feet. Her hands were wrapped around Mike Newton's arm, her cheeks painted pink and a look on her face like she couldn't decide if she wanted to risk leaving Newton's side and escape or put up with his cheesy pick-up lines just so she had someone to support her. I watched as she forced out a fake laugh, her eyes raking frantically around the bar like a frightened rabbit. Her gaze settled on mine and she blinked a few times, wobbling slightly, and mouthed the words 'help me.' I laughed quietly and leaned across the bar.

"Jake, how much has she had to drink tonight?" I nodded my head towards Bella.

Jake paused, looking across the room and then chuckled as he went back to wiping up the counter. "Enough."

"Where's Jasper?"

"Dunno. Him and Alice split a little while ago. Oh yeah, Jasper wanted me to make sure and let Bella know he has her guitar. You mind taking her home or something, man? I gotta lock up here tonight."

"Yeah, sure." I pushed myself off the counter and made my way towards Bella to save her from the clutches of Mike.

"Ah! Edward, there you are!" she squealed as I approached, and I almost jumped away in surprise. Holy hell the girl was _drunk_. She reached out for me, stumbled, and Newton and I both grabbed her arms to keep her from falling.

"I got it, Newton," I said, trying my best to be polite but I knew disgust was seeping into my voice.

He glared at me and opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.

"I _got it_, man," I repeated, a little more forcefully.

Mike glanced at Bella, fighting to keep his expression neutral. "…I guess I'll see you Saturday, Bella," he said, taking his leave.

Bella waved but didn't look at him. He scowled and stomped to the back of the bar, muttering something about "Cullen's sluts." I shook my head; Newton always had been a sore loser.

Bella was grinning up at me, a beautiful, sloppy smile on her face.

"Hey," she breathed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Hey, rockstar. You need to sit down?"

"Mmhmm." She nodded enthusiastically and let out a soft breath. "I told Mike that, like, a hundred times but he was just like 'oh, don't worry I got you.' I would have made an escape but my legs aren't cooperating right now and I _really _don't want to end up with a concussion for Alice's birthday. I think she'd be pretty mad at me."

"How much did you drink, Bella?" I asked as I slipped an arm carefully around her waist and led her to the nearest empty table. The closeness, her skin on mine, made my heart pound uncontrollably.

She slowly lowered herself into the chair. "Um. Tonight or just in the last twenty minutes?"

I groaned and collapsed in the seat next to her.

"I didn't _mean _for it to be so much! But everybody was buying me shots and drinks, and I just couldn't say _no_, and I thought I'd be okay, but I was so nervous all day I haven't really eaten much and then all of a sudden – boom!" she made an exploding motion with her hands as she giggled. "I normally don't get drunk like this, you know. Jake kept pouring these blueberry vodka shots and they taste really good but vodka just makes me so chatty. Do you think Jake knew that? I'm sure you remember that Christmas your mom gave me vodka and I ended up telling all your relatives about the underwear you bought me as part of my gift." She giggled. "Don't you remember – those black ones with the pink little bows? You were so horrified… and then I threw up in your mom's poinsettia on the way out." She paused, looking at me thoughtfully. "Do you think she's still mad about that?"

My breath caught in my throat. I slowly shook my head. "No, Bella. She's not still mad about that."

"Oh, thank _God. _You know, your mom was always so nice like that. Did you know your mom was one of the first people there after the fire? And then she went and bought me all these clothes, too. That was pretty cool."

I nodded. Of course I remembered. It had been my mom's idea, but I went shopping with her to make sure she bought things I knew Bella would like. I wanted to be the one to take them to her… but I knew she'd never accept anything from me.

"And she wanted me and Jazz to come stay with you guys, but that wasn't a good idea, _obviously. _Could you imagine?" She laughed. "That would have been the most awkward house on the planet. You hated Jazz, Jazz hated you, your dad hated me, and you hated me."

"Nobody ever hated you, Bella," I said softly.

"You did," she said, her teasing voice suddenly solemn.

"No, I didn't."

She looked down, chewing her lip. "You didn't love me."

I closed my eyes and let out a quick breath. My heart clenched, and I wanted nothing more in that moment than just to tell her. But it wasn't the time – maybe if she were a little more lucid, I would have. But it was getting to the point where she needed to know the truth – or at least some of it. I knew it wouldn't change anything, but it would at least ease my mind knowing that she knew that none of it was ever her fault.

When I opened my eyes, Bella had my drink in her hand. It was raised to her mouth, the tiny blue straw between her lips as she took a sip. She batted her brown eyes, taunting me.

_"Bella_." I gently removed the drink from her hand. I couldn't help but laugh as she pouted.

"How come you're not getting drunk?"

"Somebody has to be sober enough to take you home," I teased.

"I haven't been drunk in a long time." She sighed theatrically. "Well, long enough for me. I used to drink a lot. Well, not too much, but enough, you know? Juuuust enough to keep the edge off. You know what I mean."

I nodded. Unfortunately I did.

"Did you know what today was?"

"Yep." I nodded again, then handed her my drink back because I felt bad and I really didn't need it. "I'm sorry," I said quietly.

She waved her hand in front of her face. "It would be my anniversary too, if I hadn't gone to that movie with Jasper. But maybe not. It started in their bedroom… they didn't have a chance. Maybe I would have gotten out."

I looked down, unable to watch her while she talked about such things.

"But you can't change it," she said, then sighed. "Life… it goes on. Everybody's did. Look at me. I played on a stage tonight! I still can't believe it. Life's fucking crazy."

"It is," I agreed. I wondered how crazy she'd think it was if I told her that Renee had been up on that stage in this exact building, twenty-some years earlier.

"And they were here tonight, you know," she continued. "I could feel them. It makes me sad, but it makes me happy, too. I'm glad they can still find me after all the places I've been. I mean, even you still found me. Or I found you, I guess. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" She giggled and shook her head. "Oh, I should go to bed before I say anything that'll get me into trouble, Edward. We have to be up and at it bright and early tomorrow, you know." She groaned. "I'm going to be sooo hung-over."

"It's alright, I'll toss you in the lake. Cold water fixes that real fast."

She narrowed her eyes. "_Don't." _

I held up my hands. "I was kidding." She smiled as I helped her into her jacket and slipped on my own. She held onto my arm as we walked to the car, and when she was safely in the passenger seat I jogged around the car and hopped in the drivers side.

"I'm sleeping over tonight, you know," she mumbled, her head tipped back and leaning against the headrest. Her eyes were closed.

"You are?"

"Yeah. Alice has my bag. Why isn't she driving me?"

"She… had to go home."

"With Jasper?"

"Yeah…"

Bella snorted in laughter. She kept her eyes closed the entire ride, though I saw her silently mouthing the words to the Alter Bridge CD I was playing. I drove slower than usual, unsure if she was going to get sick or not.

"Do you know that every song reminds me of you," she murmured quietly.

I nodded, then realized her eyes were still closed. I cleared my throat. "I know."

She giggled. "You should really duct tape my mouth when I get like this. Whassit called? Verbal diarrhea? Yeah. I have that sometimes. Especially right now. I wish _you'd _get it though, you know that? So many things I want to know about you, Edward Cullen."

"Trust me, you don't."

She cracked open an eye, her head lolling towards me. "Wanna bet?"

"Yup."

She smiled to herself as she closed her eyes again. We remained silent until I pulled up in the driveway. I made it to her door before she'd even managed to get the handle working, and then helped her into the house. Alice's car was in the driveway and Bella's suitcase in the porch, so I took that to mean Alice and Jasper were home. I cringed as I tried very hard not to listen to any suspicious noises coming from down the hall.

I picked up Bella and carried her down the winding staircase that led to the basement, mostly because I really didn't trust her not to face plant at the bottom. She buried her head in my shoulder, and I was sure she could probably feel the pounding of my heart against her side. I tried really, really hard not to think about how amazing it felt to have her in my arms, even if she was completely plastered and half-passed out.

I took her to my room without even really thinking about it, and laid her down on my bed.

"Where am I?" she giggled when I set her down.

"At my house."

She narrowed her eyes, laughing. "In your bed?"

I hesitated. "Is that okay?"

"I don't care. It's comfy."

"You want some clothes to sleep in?"

"Naw, I'm okay." She yawned and sat herself up. She twisted her hair up into a bun at the top of her head and secured it with an elastic. The bun was messy and hung off to the side, stray pieces wisped around her face and curled down her neck.

"Aren't you proud of me?" she beamed. "I got super LP'd and didn't even puke."

"LP'd?" I chuckled, raising an eyebrow.

"Loser pissed," she said proudly. "_And _I got in Edward Cullen's bed. Not the first time though, right?" She winked and then collapsed back into the pillows. "Where are you gonna sleep?"

"There's spare rooms and couches."

"Why aren't I on these spare rooms and couches?" Her voice was muffled by the pillow.

"Maybe because I wanted to brag about getting Bella Swan in _my _bed," I teased.

She laughed. "Yeah right," she giggled, closing her eyes and rolling over so her back was to me. "Night, Edward Cullen. Thanks for coming to my show."

"Of course," I chuckled, pulling the blankets up around her. I watched her longingly not even caring how fucking creepy I probably was. I missed this – I'd always loved watching Bella sleep. I shook myself, realizing that I really didn't have the right to do that anymore.

Her breathing was already soft and slow – she was asleep. I smiled sadly and leaned in closer and placed a kiss on top of her head. "Night, Bella." I murmured. As I pulled away, my eyes swept down the exposed skin of her neck, and then I froze.

My jaw fell open and I moved closer again, wondering if the dim light was fucking playing tricks on me. Raising a trembling hand, I reached out, my fingertips hovering over her skin.

I couldn't fucking believe it.

Etched permanently in ink on the back of her neck was one of my drawings. I recognized it right away and could clearly remember the day I'd drawn it. It had been a sketch I'd done in biology when we were in second semester of senior year. We'd been lab partners and were trying to entertain ourselves during one of Mr. Banner's mundane lectures by writing down a song lyric and passing it to the other to figure out the song and artist. When we got bored of that, I started sketching and she just sat there the rest of the class, watching my hand fly around on the paper. Mr. Banner had asked her a question and she was so engrossed she didn't even realize it. I had to answer for her and Banner didn't really seem to mind as long as one of us was paying attention. We both got pretty good marks so he never gave us too hard a time. When the bell rang I signed it for her and tucked it away in her book. It had been a bird. And underneath I'd written: _fly high free bird. _

My stomached turned to ice as I gently ran my finger down from her hairline to the base of her spine. The skin was slightly raised – the tattoo wasn't even completely healed yet. This was recent. Very recent.

"Bella," I said, choking on the words as they left my mouth. She didn't even stir. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to wake her if I wanted to. I didn't know how to react; my brain was pulling me in a million different directions.

The silence of the room was suddenly very loud. I could hear the blood rushing to my head, the pounding of my heart against my ribs, the soft breaths of Bella sleeping on my bed.

That's when I knew what I was seeing was real.

It was fucking real.

Unmistakable, undeniable.

A drawing she'd kept after all these years. A part of me tattooed on her skin. The girl I'd known as a baby and then fallen in love with fifteen years later completely across the country. And after five years of vast distance, we'd somehow found each other again.

I turned away from her, burying my head in my hands, tugging at my hair. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. Anger? Happiness? Hope? Dread? Frustration? Shock? Confusion? Everything, all if it, at one time?

The words that left my lips were cracked, broken. I stared into the night, awaiting my answer. "Bella, what have you done?"

**x.x.x**

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you to Capricorn75 for the Run pimp over at A Different Forest. I totally lurked this week, and it seems like an absolutely fabulous place. It's very cozy over there.

Also (cracks neck) I just got Twitter like 30 seconds ago. I know, I'm a stone age behind. It's _MidnightTrain if you're interested in following me. I'll tweet about updates and teasers (I heart teasers) other non-important things. I expect it will be the easiest way for me to let you guys know when to expect an update. And apparently it's all the rage. My RL friends don't twitter, but we'll see if I can get the hang of it.

Thanks for reading loves :)


	12. Bittersweet Symphony

_Chapter 12: Bittersweet Symphony_

**A/N: **A massive thank you to Kristina (aka the fabulous kapers_in_pink) for agreeing to be my beta. Girl, you are simply the best :)

* * *

**We all have something that digs at us,  
At least we dig each other.  
So when weakness turns my ego up  
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.  
If I turn into another  
Dig me up from under what is covering  
The better part of me.  
Sing this song  
Remind me that we'll always have each other  
When everything else is gone.**

_**Dig – Incubus**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

I peeled off my shirt, raising my face to the scorching sun and drinking it all in. It was a perfect day: white-hot sun climbing slowly to its peak in the clear blue sky. A slight breeze danced in the air and fanned across my skin. A long, secluded sandy beach stretched out on both sides from where I stood with a glassy, crystal-clear lake before me. Maybe people thought my life sometimes seemed like one long vacation, but I hadn't had a day like _this _in years.

I'd had a relaxing drive from Forks this morning with Jake and Emmett, creeping through the winding mountain passes and down back roads, a never ending ocean of trees engulfing us until we'd reached our destination of Casa de Cullen 45 minutes from our departure, just as Alice had promised. Alice and Edward had led the journey in the Volvo, piled high with supplies for the party.

Esme and Carlisle's "cabin" wasn't really a cabin at all. It reminded me somewhat of Emmett's beach house, a breathtaking architectural masterpiece which was built for the land it resided on. It hugged the landscape in an open design with floor to ceiling windows which slid open on the main floor to extend the interior to the outside. There were five bedrooms in the house, and a little stone pathway led to a guesthouse down the property, matching the main cabin but disguised in the towering spruce trees surrounding it. Alice had given me first dibs on the guesthouse and I'd jumped at the opportunity – it would be nice having a little place of my own, even if for just a few nights.

Just like Alice had predicted, the blue skies and sunshine were back. The weather couldn't have been more ideal if Alice had custom-ordered it herself. It was absolute perfection – or would have been if not for the painful throbbing in my skull. Vodka hangovers were simply the _worst._

I'd woken up disoriented and confused this morning as Alice bounced next to me on the plush king-sized bed I'd passed out in. She sang some crazy wake-up song as she pulled on both my arms, successfully dragging me out of the paradise of dark-grey Egyptian cotton and soft feather. Not the ideal way to be waken up after a night of good ole fashioned binge drinking. Especially after being that cozy.

Alice had hardly even given me the time to realize I'd been sleeping in Edward's room as she forced me upstairs and into her bathroom to shower and change, slapping my jean-clad ass and yattering enthusiastically all the while. It was obvious _somebody _had gotten laid the night before and didn't have to wake up to a nasty hangover. Lucky bitch.

But despite the repercussions, I felt a smile curl on my lips when I thought of the night before. I'd never felt more accomplished in my entire life as I had after the show._ I fucking did it_. On my most dreaded day of the entire year, I sung in front of a crowded bar and they liked it. They liked _me. _The jubilation I felt even today was an emotion like no other.

I hazily recalled a multitude of vodka shots followed by a drive home in the silver Volvo but had no recollection of going downstairs or curling up in Edward Cullen's king suite. I only hoped I hadn't molested him. Or puked on him.

I giggled. Okay, maybe it'd be kind of funny if I had puked on him. He probably deserved it.

My gaze unconsciously wandered over to where Edward was strolling slowly down the beach. His flip-flops dug into the sand as he walked, the end of Clyde's leash was wrapped loosely around his hand. Clyde's tail was wagging excitedly, his nose grazing the ground as he loping beside Edward, taking in his new environment with an enthusiastic curiosity. I watched as Edward paused and then squatted down next to Clyde, unclipping the leash from the collar and Clyde took off, darting down the beach toward Jacob who was sipping a large mug of coffee, dark sunglasses hiding his eyes.

Edward stood up and stretched and yawned, and I smiled as I watched him. He had a tendency to look so young and innocent when he thought no one was paying attention. His fingers absentmindedly found the bottom of his shirt and he moved to pull it over his head. I forced myself to look away, biting my lip, the corners of my mouth still turned upward. Edward had been keeping his distance all morning, acting more aloof than usual. Before I had a chance to piece together the fact that he had been the one to drive me home, I'd simply assumed he was hung-over too. That obviously wasn't the case, but I had a hard time worrying about it too much – I'd most likely said something to upset the poor drama queen while under the influence and he was pouting. He'd get over it.

I grinned, raising my face to the sky. Sunshine made me strangely optimistic.

"Hey Cullen!" I heard Emmett shout, and suddenly a football was whizzing past me in a perfect spiral and I watched as Edward dropped his shirt to the sand and jogged backwards a few steps, catching the football in one hand with perfect ease. My jaw dropped a little – okay, _a lot _– as I watched. If he looked good with his clothes on, it was nothing compared to what he looked like in nothing but a pair of black board shorts, flip flops, and sunglasses. His copper hair stuck out at odd angles, like usual, and his bronze skin was almost glowing in the sunlight. I couldn't help but gawk, my eyes trailing down the rigid contours of his chest as he paused and turned, tossing the football right back right into Emmett's awaiting hands. Edward had always been fit, but _this_… this was God mocking me. I dug my toes into the sand and forced myself to turn back to the less appealing sight of the glittering lake before me.

"Bella!" I glanced over my shoulder to find Alice racing up behind me, her feet kicking up sand behind her as she dashed down the beach. Clyde zig-zagged behind her, his tongue lolling out as he raced through the sand. He changed directions, yipping at the guys as Emmett spiraled the football back to Edward. I grinned as I looked back and forth between Alice and her puppy. There was something to be said about the resemblance between dogs and their owners. Alice had about the same short attention span and high level of energy as her pup.

She was wearing a very suiting bright yellow bikini, her spiky dark hair pulled back into the tiniest of ponytails and a pair of large designer sunglasses on her face. She smiled brightly at me as she came skidding to a stop beside me. "Come on, let's go for a swim! I _need _to cool off."

I couldn't wait to get in the water, so I agreed without hesitation. And seeing as this _was _the Pacific Northwest, there was no saying how long this beautiful clear day would last. Alice waited as I unbuttoned my old cut-offs and slipped them to the ground beside my shirt. I tossed my sunglasses on top of the pile, wincing slightly at the harsh bright light of the sun.

I was going to pummel Jake later for feeding me so much fucking vodka.

"Ooooh, I love your bathing suit!" Alice gushed, inspecting the jade-green, bandeau bikini I was wearing.

"Thanks," I smiled. It was new – and probably the most expensive piece of clothing I owned. Jasper had forced me to go shopping when my old one practically disintegrated from over-use – hotel pools were notorious for getting a little overzealous with their chlorine usage. It was basically the first suit that caught my eye when I walked in the door of some little summer clothing boutique in New Mexico. Then the price tag almost made me faint.

"That color is gorgeous on you." She grabbed my arm. "Come on – oh, cool! Is that a tattoo?"

"Oh, yeah," I instinctively looked down to show off the inscription I had tattooed on my ribs, curving just below my right breast. "I got it a few years ago."

"_Bye-bye baby, it's been a sweet love," _she read the scripted black ink, her head cocked to the side. "Aw, that's really beautiful, Bella! That's _Free Bird_, isn't it?" When I nodded she laughed.

"My God, you think I wouldn't even have to ask! Edward is absolutely obsessed with the song! He makes me listen to it _all _the time." She giggled and instantly my stomach knotted as a feeling of dread washed over me. _Shit_. I had definitely not thought this through. "Hey, Edward!" Alice called, and I covered my face with my hands. _Shit, shit, shit. _I lifted my head and opened my mouth to tell her he could see it another time. "Edward, come see this!"

But Edward didn't have to come over to see it. I hadn't realized it, but he was standing within earshot of us, the football frozen in his hands as he watched us both. He had very obviously heard the entire conversation. I cringed and felt my face flush with embarrassment, and I deliberately looked away. My eyes followed Clyde as he splashed across the shore through the shallow lake water, chasing a yellow butterfly.

"It's _Free Bird_," Alice unnecessarily pointed out.

I couldn't help it – my gaze darted back over to Edward who still stood frozen in place, gaping at me. The tattoo had been a… _tribute _to all the people I'd loved and lost. Edward was one of those people. I knew he loved that song, it fact the very first time I'd heard it was on his bed, wrapped up in his arms when we were lying around listening to music one day after an exceptionally tedious Biology exam. And then I'd never forget how had I worked on mastering the song on my guitar as a birthday present to him. When I sang it to him, he had been very near tears. He held me and kissed me and loved me and told me it was the best birthday present he'd ever gotten.

"Cousin… you okay?" Alice asked slowly, looking back between the two of us carefully.

He snapped out of his trance and nodded shortly. "I'm fine," he muttered, turning to Emmett and spiraling the football back to him with so much force it went soaring over Emmett's head. I tried not to notice the way the muscles in his back flexed with the throw.

"Alice do you think maybe I could talk to Bella alone for a second?" Edward asked, his voice very even and controlled, but I noticed how his fists were bawled tightly, his forearms tense with the stress.

"Uh… sure." Alice looked between the two of us a few more times, biting her lip in confusion. "I'll just be… somewhere else." With one last puzzled look she shrugged and hurried away.

Edward turned to me and we faced off, the tension radiating between us so thick I could hardly _move_. His Raybans hid his eyes, but I could feel his searching, questioning gaze on me. Without a word, he turned his back and went stalking down the beach. I looked around quickly, unsure if I was going to actually follow him or not, then let out a sigh of defeat and trudged after him. It was now or never.

"Edward, what the fuck man!?" I could hear Emmett hollering from behind us. Edward waved him off without turning around. I looked back at the giant teddy bear holding a football and shrugged. Shaking his head, Emmett rolled his eyes and let the football fall to the sand, looking like a lost child; a huge, bear-like child. I could hear him muttering something about 'decency' and 'fucking'. I almost laughed out loud. If he only knew.

So I followed Edward, rounding my shoulders and holding my head high. We marched down the shore, then up behind the guesthouse where our words wouldn't travel so easily to our friends down at the beach. We were in the shade at the edge of the forest when he stopped, out of sight of the rest of the group. Lifting his sunglasses, he turned to face me. His green eyes met mine, and for that one brief second when our eyes locked, I felt like I was falling backwards. His eyes were so full of pain and confusion that it nearly knocked the breath from me – I didn't understand it. Maybe I really had done something to upset him last night.

I didn't speak as I watched his eyes travel down my face, my neck, my chest and come to rest on the tattoo. I felt bare; so exposed. I had to resist the urge to cover myself.

As he looked at it, his expression grew more and more frustrated. Finally, I crossed my arms over my chest, forcing him to look up at me. His eyes swept me up and down quickly before he let out a long breath and ran his hands through his hair.

"_Bella, what the fuck_?" he growled, his green eyes boring into mine.

I shrugged nonchalantly. "Do you have a problem with my tattoo, Edward?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Yes. _Both of them._" His teeth were clenched, his answer barely above a whisper.

I may have stopped breathing, but I tried not to show it. My hand twitched, wanting to brush against the ink at the back of my neck but I bawled it into a fist, holding it in place.

"What are you talking about?" My voice sounded strange, not like mine at all.

"I saw it," he told me.

I laughed nervously. "You saw what?" There was no way he actually could have seen it. Unless…

He let out an exasperated sigh, his head falling to the side as he searched my gaze. "Bella, drop the act. I fucking _saw _it."

_Fuck. _

"_When_?"

"Last night. While you were…" he shook himself. "It doesn't fucking matter – just… what the fuck, Bella?"

I licked my lips, stalling. I wished I had been better prepared for this moment. A part of me had hoped it would just never come – that I'd be able to hide this from Edward for as long as I had to be around him. I hoped this moment would never come. I sure as hell hadn't expected it to come so fucking soon.

"I don't owe you an explanation, Edward," I said finally, my voice dry. I felt like I'd just swallowed gravel. I needed water. _Goddamn motherfucking hangover_.

He laughed bitterly as he shook his head. I realized very quickly that the truce between us, or whatever it had been, was suddenly broken. We were back to being the angry, hostile exes who had squared off in the storage room of The Whiskey. There had been no show, no singing to him from up on stage, no jokes or laughter… just fake smiles masking our broken hearts.

"I don't understand you," he said quietly, his eyes narrowed. "What are they? Why? Are you _trying _to torture me?"

I tried to act amused as I watched him. "Yep, you got me. I went out and got these tattoos just for you, Edward. Can you believe it took me five years to finally track you down? And now I'm just living out my dream." I rolled my eyes. Even sarcasm felt unnatural.

I drew in sharp breath and tried to control my trembling so I didn't give myself away.

"Yeah," he snorted, his eyebrows raised. The expression on his face was almost _amused_.

"They're just _tattoo's_. They don't… mean anything to me." My voice wavered, the volume fading as I spoke. Good lord, I needed to take some fucking acting classes.

He shook his head again, kicking the ground with the toe of his sandal. "Fuck _that_," he hissed. "And you know what? That's not what this is about, Bella."

"Then what's your _problem_?" I asked, incredulous.

"You left!" he seethed. "You left me, you didn't even fucking say _good-bye_."

I rolled my eyes, feeling the anger beginning to boil deep within my chest. And here I thought women were supposed to be the complicated gender.

"_Jeeeesus_. So we're going to do this again? _Now_!? Great. Let's ruin a fun day at the beach."

"Everyday is a fucking day at the beach for you, Bella," Edward growled. "It must be pretty fucking nice, having no responsibilities –"

"I _have_ responsibilities!" I cried, unintentionally taking a step towards him. "I have a fucking job to keep, a car to put gas in, food to buy, a place to pay for! It's not as easy as you think it is."

"Yeah, except when you fuck it up, you can just run off to the next town."

"It's not that simple!"

He glared. "No? Then why'd you leave, Bella?! You had a fucking good life; a _great _life, even. You had it made! You had scholarships, acceptance letters, and a shot at a decent fucking future! Now look at you," he shook his head in disgust. "Working for minimum wage, living out of scummy hotels. How can you _do _that to yourself?"

"There was nothing left for me at home!" I cried. "And fuck you, I'm _happy _doing what I'm doing. So I'm not going to some Ivy League college and getting a fucking diploma that can hang from the walls of my brand new home while my kids chase my dog around my white picket fenced backyard. Sorry I'm not doing it 'the right way'!" I spat. "You're not some fucking golden boy either, Cullen. Where's your medical degree? If anyone here is miserable it's _you. _Stop taking your fucking disappointments out on me! I'm _sorry_ your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, I really am." But I wasn't; my voice was laced with cruel sarcasm as I sneered at him. "Yeah, I have a tattoo of a song lyric that means a lot to me and a drawing from a boy that will always hold a special place in my heart. Fucking _sue_ me!"

He just stared at my tattoo. After a moment of silence, he sighed. I watched him clench and unclench his jaw. "Why did you get it?"

"You know why," I said softly, feeling myself calming down slightly. He wasn't screaming back at me – this was progress. My fingers grazed gently over the inscription on my ribs. "Listen to the song, it's not about _us. _It's not about you. I've lost a lot of amazing people in my life and you're only one of them so don't you dare think that it's just about _you._"

"I'm not _that _arrogant. But seeing it now… it's just… it was all I had left of you, Bella." His voice broke, and he looked down. His eyes crinkled up at the edges and he gnawed on his lip – something I knew that he only did when he was very, very anxious. "You _left_, Bella. Just… left. The only thing you left behind was a folded up piece of paper jammed in my locker. The only thing that piece of paper said was _that_," he glared at the tattoo again. "That was _all _I had, Bella! I've been hanging onto that for five years. Do you know how pathetic that is? Every time I hear that song, I think about you. I wonder where you are, what you're doing... Every time I hear that song, I think about you and I hope that wherever you are… that you're happy."

I could only stare at Edward as he spoke. Sighing, I anxiously pulled my hands through my hair. My life became unbearable the day the Edward broke up with me. My days became blurred and I became a living and breathing zombie. Without Jasper, I don't know what I would have done. He made sure I got where I was supposed to be and did what I was supposed to do. He tried so hard to pull me through. I think he felt responsible for it all because he was supposed to be my protector and he thought he let me down. I never felt that way, but after Edward he wouldn't leave my side.

Then my parents died… and life stopped. Time just _passed. _The only thing I can remember clearly is when Jasper and I made the decision to leave. Edward was the only person I wanted to say good-bye to, but I just _couldn't. _It would have been too much… too hard. I knew he felt guilty for breaking up with me, and I needed to free him of that guilt. We'd made so many memories together; after all, he was my first love. My only love. I couldn't leave without some sort of closure. So on a scrap of paper I'd written him:

_Bye-bye baby, it's been a sweet love,_

_And though this feeling I can't change._

_But please don't take it badly,_

'_Cause the Lord knows I'm to blame._

_And if I stay here with you,_

_Things just couldn't be the same._

'_Cause I'm as free as a bird now,_

_And this bird you cannot change.  
_

And with shaking hands I slipped it in his locker, very early the morning we left. I knew that he'd find it and know what it meant.

I left out a long breath and looked up, meeting Edward's piercing gaze.

"Well it's not like I ran out and got it yesterday, Edward. It's been years. I got it for a lot of reasons. And I didn't fucking think I'd ever see you again" I cried, tangling my fingers in my hair with frustration. Every time I spoke, I just got more and more irritated.

"Bella, that's not what I'm saying. It's just… that fucking _song!_ I used to listen to that on repeat because I could still hear your voice singing it to me. I fucking _hated _you so much for what you did to me. I was nothing; I was a fucking _shell_. My own family wanted to send me away, all because of you!"

"Because of _me?!" _I cried, not caring at this point how far our voices travelled or who could hear us."Jesus, Edward! If I'm such a fucking _terrible _person, why do you even _care _this much about a stupid tattoo?" I threw up my arms and looked to the side, staring at the siding on the side of the guesthouse as I tried took deep breaths, trying to calm down.

After a few moments, Edward finally spoke. "It's just… _proof_," he muttered quietly.

I turned my head back to him. "Proof of what?"

"Proof of _us_," he sighed. "Proof the we actually existed. Because sometimes… sometimes I wonder if it wasn't all just a dream."

I laughed – because I'd felt the exact same way. "I… I just don't know, Edward. I thought it was real… but the way you could just walk away with no warning has made me second-guess it, even after all these years," I said. "So this was something concrete, some evidence that it all existed."

He shook his head. "I know. I – I was such a mess without you, Bella. Then eventually I realized I had to leave too, if it was ever going to escape you." He laughed bitterly. "But you still found me."

"I'm sorry," I offered, and he just shrugged.

Then he drew in a deep breath, as if trying to compose himself. "That's not what this is about," he said. "I'm sorry – I'm being an asshole and I know I am. I hate that this is who I turn into when I'm around you like this… I just get so… _frustrated. _So many things I thought I'd finally put behind me are just appearing with you here, Bella. So many things I never wanted to think about. But I… I owe you the truth."

I waited.

"You left," he said quietly. "You just fucking _left_, and I didn't even know if you were alive. You were gone and now you're fucking here of all the places in the world, you're here_ – _the one place where I'm finally _home _again. The one place I don't see your face around every corner I turn. I just don't understand it. There's so many things… that just don't make sense. And now _this_? This _tattoo_." His fists clenched. "It might as well say '_I fucking broke Edward Cullen_.' You fucking ran away and it killed me."

I just stared right back at him as I tried to collect myself. "Yeah, well you left long before I ever did, Edward," I replied, fighting to keep my tone even.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You broke my fucking heart." I threw my arms in the air. "No wait, you didn't just break it, you ripped it out of my chest and threw it at my fucking feet. So quit trying to act like I'm a terrible person. Fucking quit with your guilt trips and shit. I'm not the one who tore our relationship apart! You left me lying on the ground; you just walked away from me!"

"I didn't—"

"_Yes,_ Edward, _you did_," I growled. "You told me you didn't love me and you _left me _lying in the middle of the goddamn beach. So stop being a child and own up to what you fucking did to us! I wasn't under the impression that I was leaving anything behind."

Edward let out a groan of frustration. "Bella, I _told _you! I made a fucking mistake that night."

"Edward, stop. For fucks sakes, it's been five years; you don't have to lie to me anymore! I know you didn't come back to me because you made a mistake. You felt guilty," I spat. "Because two weeks later my parents died and you felt like shit because you dumped me."

"No. Listen to me, Bella. I _tried _to tell you the next week at school. I tried to talk to you! You would listen to me and your _bodyguard _wouldn't let me anywhere near you. I loved you Bella and I tried to tell you. But you wouldn't _believe _me." He ran his hands through his hair, his fingers curling in as he tugged at the roots.

I just shook my head slowly, my brain foggy and numb.

_Liar, liar, liar, _my head chanted over and over.

"Jasper was protecting me from you, Edward. Because you did exactly what he told me you would do. You were the only thing Jasper and I would ever fight about." I shook my head angrily. "I told him you were a decent person, and that you loved me and that you'd never hurt me… too bad I was wrong."

"_You weren't." _He sighed, and it was obvious that revisiting those times was causing him as much pain as it was causing me. I felt like the hole in my chest that I thought was long healed was now being ripped wide open again. The pain ripped through my body; an unbearable fire that was born in my heart burned throughout my body. There was a reason I didn't let myself think about Edward, or think about those terrible, terrible days. The pain was crippling.

And I didn't care what he had to say, because that's what Edward did. He lied. He was a selfish, arrogant, conniving, _liar. _

The years hadn't changed that.

"You've always been too stubborn for your own good, Bella. Yeah, your parents died and I wanted to be there for you because I _cared _about you. You _have _to believe that guilt had nothing to do with it. And you somehow always fail to mention the fact that I came after you, Bella. After the party; the next fucking morning, I was at your door-"

"You were not," I hissed.

"_Yes_, I _was_. I was on my fucking knees, begging to see you. But _he_ probably didn't tell you that."

"_Who_?"

"Jasper."

I froze, the edges of my vision faded as I zone in on his face; his green eyes wide and genuine. I hated that look; hated the honesty I saw in his face. Looking away, I shook my head and shook a step back, my body shaking with the denial.

"You're lying."

He shook his head and laughed quietly. "_Fuck, _Bella. Why do you have to be so goddamn blind? He threw me down your fucking porch and told me I was never allowed to talk to you again. I have a scar on the back of my fucking head from your _best friend._" He spat the words at me, his face distorted in disgust.

"I don't believe you."

"Of course you don't. That why this whole entire conversation is completely pointless, Bella! Because you will _always _pick Jasper over me. Whether it's a night at the movies, supper, a day at the beach… Jasper fucking trumped me every single goddamn time. Maybe you didn't know it, but you made a decision a long time ago that it was going to be him."

My breaths starting coming faster. The ground rocked beneath my feet. "How can I know you're not lying?" I asked, my voice hardly audible to my own ears.

"You can't," he replied quietly. "Because no matter what I tell you, you're going to believe _him_."

I shuddered. "This doesn't have anything to do with Jasper."

"It has _everything _to do with Jasper. You think I liked hearing those rumors, about my girlfriend who lived with her best friend and all the things that happened between the two of you behind closed doors? _No. _I trusted you Bella, I always did. But I'll admit that eventually it fucking wore on me! And I'm really fucking sorry but I was just a kid and I loved you so goddamn much. So yeah, every time you told me you were spending the day with Jasper instead of me, I was fucking jealous. _You w_ere my best friend, but you had Jasper. Do you know how shitty that felt?"

I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. "So you were jealous of Jasper? _That's w_hy you broke up with me?"

"No." He shook his head, and I believed him.

"Then _why? _I think that after all these years, I deserve to know the truth, Edward. Obviously you didn't care enough to try and explain it back then. I mean, Jasper tells you that you're not allowed to talk to me again, and you just give up?"

"No, I _tried_, Bella. Believe me I _tried. _You wouldn't look at me in class, you ran for the door the second the bell rang – ran right down the street into his arms. You didn't go anywhere – you were never alone. I thought I could wait it out…" his voice cracked, and he ran a distressed hand through his hair. His eyes met mine. "Then… then you lost them. And my fucking heart broke for you, and for me… Renee and Phil were like parents to me too, you know. And when I did see you, when I finally got you alone… all I wanted to do was hold you… tell you how fucking much I loved you. But that day was their funeral, and I knew it was hard enough for you…" He exhaled shakily. "So I waited. Every day I'd stand in the parking lot and watch you drive away. I kept waiting for the day when I'd see those break lights… for the day you'd give me a chance to explain. But then… you just kept on going. And the next thing I knew… you were _gone_."

I stared at him a long time before I managed to form words. "But it doesn't change anything, Edward. You still broke up with me. Just because you tried to say _sorry_ doesn't make it any better."

"I didn't-" he stopped himself, his eyes pleading. "I hoped that… at least… you give me a chance. But you just ran away."

"You told me you didn't _love _me anymore, Edward. You didn't want to be with me and you never offered me an explanation. How did you expect me to react?"

"I thought…" he ran his fingers through his hair, exhaling loudly. He looked up at me, his eyes brimming with angst. "I fucked up, Bella. I was so fucking _stupid_. Every day that we were together, I woke up the happiest man on the planet because I had _you. _And you loved me. I was on top of the fucking world." His expression darkened and he looked down. Asshole Cullen was fading slowly. His 'I-don't-give-a-fuck' exterior was beginning to slip away, and I was starting to feel like I was actually standing here with Edward Cullen.

I felt one of my own walls crumble.

"So what happened?" I asked my voice weak. "What did I _do? _How could you just stop loving me?"

"You didn't do anything, Bella. It wasn't _you_." He pulled his hands through his hair again and groaned. His voice cracked, and he took a hesitant, unconscious step forward. His hand reached out but he stopped and dropped it to his side. "It's so _stupid. _Every fucking day I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. It's just that I _wasn't_. I was so fucked up. I should have explained this to you five years ago. But just know…I never stopped loving you, Bella."

My vision blurred and I blinked back tears. "I just want the truth Edward. For _once." _

He nodded once, swallowing hard. "Okay… Just know… I realize this doesn't excuse any of it, but I was seventeen… and I was so _fucking _sure I had my life figured out, you know? Go to school, marry my girlfriend and live happily ever after. It all seemed so fucking simple." He looked up at me meaningfully before continuing.

"Then one day… well, my dad said something that made me think. He was drunk and he was angry… he was always fucking angry, but him and my mom had been fighting.

"He sat me down, poured me a glass of Scotch, and said we had to talk about something, man-to-man. You knew my dad – he never fucking talked to me about _anything. _So I sat down, expecting the whole 'you're going to college to be a lawyer just like me' spiel, when looked me dead in the eye and told me something that changed my entire life." Edward let out a soft breath and looked up at me. "He told me about my mom."

I nodded, confused as to what this had to do with anything. But I remained silent as I waited for him to continue.

Edward cleared his throat. "He told me what she was like when he first met her. I didn't fucking understand… I just thought he was rambling, but I sat there and listened, I guess I was just humoring the drunk bastard. But I'll never forget the look in his eye when he talked about her – it was the only time I'd ever seen my dad show any real emotion. I swear… it was like she was already dead or something. You know, I always just assumed my parents never loved each other. It was then that I realized this wasn't the case. They had been in love – madly in love. Only it was a long time ago, and they were completely different people back then.

"So my dad told about my mom when they met. She was a painter who died her hair with Kool-Aid and he rode a motorcycle." I couldn't help the small smile that curled on my lips at the image. "They way he talked about her – I could tell it was painful for him. He said she was so carefree and sure she could go anywhere, do anything. She played piano, and she wanted to travel to Europe and paint. I had no fucking clue that my mom could paint – how sad is that?"

I didn't reply. The way Edward spoke, it was almost as if he'd forgotten I was even there.

"Well, he told me about how they met, and in their junior year of high school, how he promised to marry her one day. She followed him to college, lived in a place she didn't want to just so he could finish his school. They were in love, of course, and after he passed the bar they got married, just like he'd promised her. They settled down in Chicago awhile so my dad could grow his practice – though I think my mom always through it would be temporary. She just wanted to travel – to backpack across Europe, see the fucking world. He said that she would have been happy living on the streets in Greece with nothing but a paintbrush and a canvas. But she waited on him…"

Edward got a faraway look in his eye, and he shook himself slightly as he continued. "Well, he basically told me that he was the worst thing that ever happened to my mom. He told me that he had ruined her life – robbed her of all her hopes and dreams so that he could live the life he wanted. Well… she wanted to travel and have a big family and live far away from the big city, but she gave that all up for him. She never cared about money, or owning the biggest house on the street, or the flashiest car. But that soon became her life. He said my mom would always resent him for that, and though they loved each other, she'd never forgive him for holding her back like that, and he'd never forgive himself. He said he was selfish… but I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me… I thought it was just stupid drunk rambling. And then he took a sip of his drink, looked me straight in the eye, and told me that one day I'd grow up and be exactly like him. He said he wished he'd let my mom go… let her live out her dreams. He said that one day I'd hate myself too, and by being with you, I was taking away your dreams."

I let out a deep gush of air, a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. My arms crept around my waist, holding myself tight. I didn't know exactly what I'd been expecting, but that sure wasn't it.

Edward let out a shaky breath as he gazed off at something in the distance, and I remained quiet because I knew he wasn't done yet.

"I yelled at him at first, told him he was a coward and a bastard and that I'd never be anything like him. But the more I thought about it, Bella, the more I realized he was right." His gaze met mine. Strong, indescribable emotions flickered behind his green eyes. "Every day that I looked at you, I saw this angel, so beautiful and free and full of life. I began imagining our life in ten… twenty years. I realized that if I were the cause of changing anything about you, I'd hate myself. You were simply so perfect the way that you were. And we wanted such different things. I didn't want to stay in Florida, and you loved the south. You wanted to be near your parents – your relationship with them was so much better than mine was with my parents. I never told you, because I knew it would upset you, but I couldn't wait to put thousands of miles between me and my father. And I wanted to be a doctor… I wanted to help people, and I already knew what a sacrifice that would be. I wanted to marry you, even though I knew I couldn't be there for you. I realized my dad was right – I was selfish. I wanted everything from you, even though I knew I couldn't return it. And I would take it, all of it, because I was greedy. And I knew how much you loved me, and if I really wanted to, I could use it against you. I _knew _that you would follow me if I asked… no matter how miserable it made you. It was in that moment when I realized I was a monster – just like my father."

The ache in my chest grew exponentially as the pieces of the puzzle slowly slipped into place. It was the first time I truly realized how young we had been – and how little we really knew about each other. He didn't know me – not at all.

Edward cleared his throat. "I knew what I had to do. Well, I _thought _I knew. I had to end it, before we graduated. Before I told you I was getting out of that town, and before I asked you to come with me. I thought… I was _so sure_… that I was making the right decision." He shook his head sadly. "I didn't know anything. I knew I was making a mistake the second I walked you away from the party and let go of your hand. The emptiness hit me so fucking _hard. _It was like you'd left me before I'd even said those words. But all I could hear was my dad's voice in my head, and I loved you too much to let you grow to hate me… You could hate me for a while, for breaking your heart, but I needed to give you a chance to follow your dreams, Bella. The way I saw it was you could hate me for a while, or you could hate me for life. That's what it was. Back then… I saw it all in black and white. There was no alternative."

Tears streamed down my face, all I could do was shake my head. "No… Edward, no," I murmured, closing my eyes. I wished I could go back to that moment, tell him what a mistake he was making. But we were stuck here, together five years later, angry, bitter shells of who we'd once been all because of that one moment, that one fight, that one conversation, that one decision.

"Then why…" I asked softly, "Why did you come back? The next morning?"

He shook his head sadly. "I wanted to tell you… I wanted to let you decide what you wanted. Because I realized that by taking away that option of you being with me, I was no better than my father. But I couldn't… he wouldn't…" his voice cracked and he just stopped.

We were silent. I couldn't think of a single thing to say that would make the least bit of sense. Then he sighed, and looked up at me. "Honestly Bella, why did you leave?"

I bit my lip, and I felt my eyes well up. I blinked back the tears and swallowed down the lump in my throat. "I couldn't have stayed. I was so broken."

"I could have fixed you."

"Edward, no. You couldn't have. Christ, you didn't even _want _me. How could you have ever fixed me?"

"You truly think I didn't want you?" he looked up, his green eyes brimming with pain.

"I _did. _When you broke up with me and told me you didn't want me, yeah, I kind of figured _you didn't want me._" I tried to bite back the bitterness. It still was so hard after all these years.

"But now you know," he replied, his green eyes boring into mine.

I nodded slowly and felt a shiver rip through my body with the intensity of his gaze. My lips moved, yet I couldn't think of a single thing to say.

"Are you happy, Bella?" he asked softly, taking a step towards me.

I blinked back tears, shaking my head. "What do you mean?"

"Are you _happy_?" he repeated. "Since then… have you been happy?"

I shook my head. Then replied, "_Yes_." But my lips betrayed me; they stumbled over the answer, hardly pushing the word out. I looked down, my teeth digging into my bottom lip.

Suddenly, I was very aware of him standing very close to me.

"_Then what is this?" _I closed my eyes as his hand moved up, brushing my hair over my shoulder. His thumb slowly stroked the skin of my neck. His breath was on my cheek, and I refused to open my eyes in fear that I'd let myself be pulled under by his sudden proximity.

I didn't reply, just let out a shaky breath. I felt like the ground was moving up towards me. Or maybe I was falling. Or maybe I wasn't even moving at all. My heart was pounding, so loudly that I was sure he could hear it. The frantic beating echoed around in the secluded forest we stood in.

"_Bella_." His voice was low and husky. I could feel his lips moving against my temple as he drew my name on my skin with his lips. A shiver ran through my entire body, and suddenly the electricity between us was so intense I could almost hear it. It completely drowned out the sound of my overworked heart. I took in a deep breath, savoring the feeling, the tingles on my skin, the prick on the back of my neck from his soft touch, the sweet air that enveloped us, pulling us closer.

Gently, so gently, he placed his hand on my trembling forearm.

The current was flowing between us now, completing us. My heart started pounding faster. I wondered if I would die today from a Cullen-induced heart attack.

If I were going to die, this would be the way to go.

I bit my lip and opened my eyes. Slowly, nervously, my gaze travelled upward.

Our eyes locked.

His lips were slightly parted.

He let out a slow breath and licked his lips, his eyes dark, lusted over.

Then he leaned in, and I closed my eyes.

And I gave up. I gave in.

**x.x.x**

**Edward.**

The girl and her fucking strawberries. I knew I was completely done for the moment I closed the distance between us. Her shampoo assaulted my senses, weakening my knees, tightening my shorts. Then suddenly we were sixteen again lying on her couch watching a movie, and she was wrapped up in my arms, her back against my chest and my face was buried in her neck. I never cared what movie we watched. As long as she was in my arms, it was the greatest movie in the world.

"Bella," I said softly. Only my voice didn't sound much like my own. I licked my lips as she looked up at me ever so slowly. He long eyelashes fluttered as her brown eyes locked into mine.

My heart was pounding out of control and suddenly it didn't matter how hard I tried. I had to have her; I had to taste her again. I could still feel my lips burning from the taste I'd sampled when sipped from beer bottle, and it felt like an eternity ago. I was craving her, constantly, every fucking day, and I needed more.

I was an addict, I was a fucking addict, and now I needed _her. _

My heart was reaching out toward her, so furiously I thought it might leave my chest. I didn't let myself process what I was doing, and all I could think was how fucking _badly_ I needed her. I needed to touch her and kiss her and hear her whisper my name. So my hands reached up and at the last minute changed course and I placed my hand on her arm.

I felt awakened, recharged, alive… at a single touch.

And then I couldn't see anything but those full, pink lips and those endless, mesmerizing pools of chocolate brown eyes staring at me with wonder.

She looked nervous almost, but not scared. Apprehensive, but not frightened.

And maybe even a little bit hopeful.

I was done for.

And all I could think about was kissing her.

I took a deep breath and leaned forward, watching as her eyes fluttered closed. I let mine fall shut too, and closed the distance between us.

And when our lips finally met, it was everything I needed it to be, and more. It was the blue sky and the bight sun and the warm air on my skin, and it was Bella and it was me and she was kissing me just as much as I was kissing her. Her lips were soft, perfect, molding against mine. And it was so familiar; the curve of her lip, the way it fit perfectly between mine, her way of kissing, so soft yet so hard at the same time.

And her hair was in my hands, her hands were in my hair and she was pulling and I was gasping we were pushing against each other and _my_ _God _she was everywhere. Her scent, her sounds, her lips and her hands surrounded me, controlled me. And even though it didn't think it was possible, it was _better_ than I remembered.

The kiss was undeniable passionate, but it wasn't love. It was frustration, anger, apologies… but not love. And even though I realized it wouldn't fix anything, I was helpless to stop. Because the forces pulling us together were stronger than the ones keeping us apart. Because I loved her more than I hated her. And I needed her more than I would ever admit. Because even when we were thousands of miles apart, she was always with me. Every step of the goddamn way, she was there. And I needed her to know. So I didn't fucking stop it.

She gasped against my lips and it egged me on more. I let my tongue slip out and dance around her lips and she parted them, allowing me access into her mouth. She let me explore and I groaned as she fisted my hair, pulling our faces closer together still.

_Fuck…_

I slid my hands down her bare sides, enjoying the soft, slim curves of her nearly naked body. Then I hitched my palms under her knees and pulled her up to me. She wrapped those perfect, slender legs around my waist without breaking the kiss and we both groaned at the contact.

And just like that I was very, very aware of the thin fabric of the bathing suits separating us.

One step, one turn, and her back was pressed up against the side of the guesthouse, my body pinning her there.

She let out a tiny whimper and ground her hips against me and I knew I was done for. It was out of my hands now. I wasn't stopping.

I _couldn't. _

Because I _still _wasn't one hundred percent convinced all this was real. I could see her, I could touch her, I could hear her, I could smell her and I could taste her – all my senses were totally surrounded her, I was completely absorbing her, yet I still didn't believe it.

Not completely.

But I didn't fucking care if it was real or not.

Maybe I'd lost it, maybe I'd completely gone off the deep end – but at least I was fucking _happy. _

At least I had her.

If I was committed, she was coming with me. In some fucked up way, I found comfort in that.

And if she was fucking here… well, I'd been a complete fucking ass to her. No question.

I knew she thought it was because I was pissed that she'd found me. But not really.

I was pissed that she hadn't found me sooner.

Five _fucking _years. That was all I could think, over and over. _Five fucking years. _

Five fucking years, and with one kiss, I was whole again.

**x.x.x**

* * *

**A/N: **Soooo... yeah.

:)

And before you guys ask – no, this is not ALL of Edward's side of the story. Much more to come. Eventually.

Links to the cabin pictures are up in my profile**  
**


	13. Hanging by a Moment

_Chapter 13: Hanging by a Moment._

**I never will forget those nights,  
I wonder if it was a dream.  
Remember how you made me crazy?  
Remember how I made you scream.  
Now I don't understand what happened to our love.  
But babe, when I get you back  
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of.**

_**The Boys of Summer – Don Henley **_

**x.x.x**

**Edward. **

I didn't know how much longer I could do this.

I sat on the edge of the dock, my feet dangling off the end, my toes skimming the cool water, my sunglasses covering my eyes. To my left, I could hear Alice, Emmett, Jake and Bella splashing and laughing around in the water like a group of carefree seven-year-olds. I smiled unconsciously as I watched them. Emmett had Bella on his shoulders and Jake had Alice on his, and they were all splashing each other and shrieking with laughter as Clyde ran around and barked at them from the shore, still too wary of the water to join them.

I took another hit from the joint pressed between my thumb and index finger before extinguishing it on the smooth wood of the dock. I coughed hard, letting the high slowly envelope my body, welcoming it, wishing I could just drift away from the reality, leave it all behind.

I wanted to go back to that dream world… that one moment behind the guesthouse where it was just me and Bella. No anger, no hurt, no ugly scars or regret-filled pasts… no drama, no overprotective best friends or fragile cousins. Nothing but her and I, us and our lips and hands and gasps and groans… Two naked souls, so desperate, so lonely.

My gaze lingered on Bella, her long hair soaked and clinging to her back and the sides of her face. She was laughing so hard her whole body shook as she kicked her feet and shielded her face from an attack of water from Alice and Jake. Emmett was laughing as he gripped her legs, holding her tight so she didn't fall over backwards. I couldn't avoid the jealousy that stirred in my chest even though I knew it was completely innocent. It was completely innocent… right? I looked away because I didn't know anything anymore; well, anything besides how fucking badly I wished I was in Emmett's place right now. Bella could wrap those smooth thighs around my neck any day.

I raked my hands through my hair, trying to pull the image out of my head. _One step at a time, Cullen. _

I sighed, settling back on my elbows. I didn't know how to act around her anymore. I'd kissed her and I'd loved it and I couldn't stop fucking thinking about her. Her soft lips, her gentle curves, her ravenous hands, her throaty, needing, desperate moans, those lust filled eyes blinking up at me, her dark lashes, framing those deep caramel eyes…

She was _everywhere_, intensified, because I'd had one taste, and I was fucking hungry as hell for more. I'd never felt more like a junkie, and that was saying something.

Somehow, sometime during that kiss, I'd come to my senses. But, like a true masochist, I hadn't stopped right away. Because I could _feel _her need, and I could feel how much she loved it, how much she _wanted _it. And I wanted to fucking hang onto that for as long as I could. Because for how long it had taken me to realize what we were doing was fucking wrong and destructive as hell, she _hadn't _come to that realization yet. She was still welcoming me, needing me, touching me. And I knew that if I pulled away, I'd lose that feeling forever.

I almost wish I was _more _of an asshole and had the guts to fuck her senseless, right there in the middle of the forest, barely out of sight of Alice, Jacob and Emmett. Make her cry my name just to have that memory and lock it away in my brain to take with me everywhere. Make her feel like the beautiful, sexy woman she was and watch her as she came over the edge and lost control in my arms.

God, it was _so hard _not to. It was almost too easy; one quick tug at a string and she would have been naked before me. And judging by her reactions, she wouldn't have stopped me.

But despite popular belief, I wasn't that asshole, so I'd slowed it down, until the kisses became less about needing and more about wanting. I slowed it down so our minds could finally catch up to our actions. I slowed it down until finally, it stopped altogether.

And the look in her eyes when she finally looked up from the ground and met my gaze broke my fucking heart all over again. Because she wasn't pissed and she didn't look ashamed. In fact, I couldn't place the look in her eyes. It was something new, something I'd never seen staring back at me before.

Something I _still _couldn't put my finger on.

"_I'm sorry_," I'd rasped, and she only shook her head sadly, her hair falling down over shoulders.

The silence stretched between us for so long that I almost took her face in my hands and kissed her again, just to stop it. We stared each other down, trying to decipher what the other was thinking. Trying to find the regret we so desperately needed to see to confirm how wrong we'd been. But I couldn't give her that. Because all I could think of was how badly I wanted to sweep her up, drag her to my room, and beg on my knees for forgiveness. The only regret I could offer her was for breaking her heart, five years ago, and for the regret that the moment, the kiss, wouldn't happen again. Regret that I hadn't told her the truth long ago; that I hadn't broken into her house in the middle of the night and forced her to hear me out. Regret that I couldn't rip off that bathing suit and make love to her for the rest of the afternoon, and the night, and the next day. It was all the wrong kind of regret.

Though I was slowly learning that Bella never did what I truly expected of her, she still knocked me off my feet when she made the first move. She let out a soft breath, her eyes so wide, chocolate pools leading to a lake chalk full of so many inexplicable emotions. Then she stepped slowly towards me, and I froze; waiting, watching, _wanting_,but so unsure of what was about to happen. I half-expected a cold, hard slap to the face. But she placed her soft hand on my shoulder, her long eyelashes batting against her cheek, and then slowly she raised her gaze to mine. I was still unable to move, unable to speak or think or react as she stretched up, standing tall on her tiptoes, and placed her lips back on mine. She moved soft and gentle and far too fast but all too slow. She kissed me once then backed away, leaving me feeling bare, empty, lost. I touched my fingers to my lips as she disappeared through the trees.

And I stood there watching her cautiously pick her way back to the beach, wondering if my dick would ever shrink back down to its normal size.

After that? Probably not.

But that was it. That one simple kiss spoke volumes, yet I still wasn't hearing what she was trying to say. And now she was laughing and swimming and dancing through the water like nothing had even happened.

"Edward! Can we take the boat out yet?" Alice's voice broke through the laughter to my left, shaking me from my thoughts.

I swung my feet around so I was sitting along the side of the dock, facing the group in the water.

"Right now?"

"Yeah!"

I leaned over, my elbows on my knees, my fingers skimming the water. I flicked the water, watching the droplets spray and break the surface, then slowly ripple outwards. "Don't you think we should eat first?"

I could hear Alice moving through the water, swimming towards me. She popped up right beside my feet, grinning up at me. Her short hair stuck to the side of her face, her smile as radiant as ever. "Come on, stoner boy. All you ever think about is _food. _We'll eat after. Please, just a quick ride?"

I chuckled, shaking my head. As if I could say no to her. "All right, Al."

"Can me and Bella go on the tubes first?"

"Absolutely. Whatever you want, sweetheart. You wanna run Clyde up to the house and then grab the tubes from the shed? I'll get the boat ready."

"Deal." She hugged my legs and I couldn't help but grin as I watched her swim back to the group and announce the good news.

I needed to get out on the water; I needed the distraction. Even if it meant I'd have to look behind me and see a laughing, screaming, sopping wet Bella every two seconds.

A guy could have it worse.

I got up and lit a smoke as I wandered down the dock to where my Malibu Wakesetter was tied off. Every time I looked at the boat, I cried a little inside. The thing was a fucking _dream_: sleek, fast, extravagant, huge… and did I mention fast? Really, really fast?

"Bro, is this _your _fucking boat?" Emmett was at my side, dripping all over the dock, his jaw slack as he watched me ease the cover off the Wakesetter.

"Mm," I paused to grab my cigarette, which was hanging from my lips, and nodded at him. "Yeah dude. Bought it last year. She's my fucking baby."

Emmett knelt down and ran his hand along the black, polished side. "_Jeeesus_. I don't even want to think about how much this set you back. Underwater lights… cooler under the seats… And it's got the power wedge, no?"

I chuckled. "Of course." The wedge was something the driver controlled, basically a wedge at the back of the boat that shaped the wake, mostly for wakeboarding.

"You have _got _to take me wakeboarding!"

"You wakeboard?"

Emmett shrugged, lighting a smoke and helping me roll up the cover. "Yeah, some friends back home have a cabin, we used to go out there and get trashed and try and not fucking drown ourselves. Me and my buddies really got into wakeboarding about four years ago now, I guess. But _fuck _I've never ridden behind a boat like this before."

I grinned over at him. "We'll go out later then. The girls want to go tubing right now. I know Jake will be up for a wakeboarding sesh later for sure."

"Kick ass!" Emmett exclaimed, straightening up and taking a drag of his cigarette. "You need anything else, man?"

"Actually, there's a jerry can in the back of Jake's truck, and a cooler in my car. Mind grabbing them?"

"Be right back, bro." Emmett took off jogging down the dock, and I saw Jake helping the girls roll the flat, giant tubes out of the storage shed beside the guesthouse. I hopped onto the boat and began pulling the ropes out of their compartments.

It felt so good to be back on my boat. I completely spoiled myself when I bought this thing, but hell, it was nice to have something to show from my inheritance. This boat and Alice's company were about the only good things that ever came from that money – and the boat was the only thing I'd really done for myself. Esme and Carlisle had built the cabin just over four years ago now, and the only boat they had was Carlisle's beat-up fishing boat with an old outboard Evinrude motor that sputtered along pathetically, and that simply wouldn't do. And nothing made me happier than being free on the quiet, open waters of the lake, ripping around with a few good buddies, getting wet, wiping out, drinking a few good beers… and even the odd fishing excursion. And the ladies… oooh, the ladies. I never knew it before, but having an awesome boat was about as good as being well endowed. Lucky for me, I had both.

I smirked to myself as Jake came strutting down the dock, rolling one of the giant tubes out in front of him, whistling as he went.

"What the fuck you grinning about, bitch?" he called as he came up to the boat, snapping his gum and laughing as he watched me.

I shook my head and chuckled to myself. "Nothin'. Here." I tossed him one end of the rope.

"Fuck you, nothin'." Jake shook his head as he bent down and starting tying on the tube. "I know that look, Cullen, you're thinking about something dirty. And I'd bet my life that it had to do with Al's birthday last year, when you came out here with _Rachael_."He raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"Jake, fucking cut it out, man." I shook my head, glancing quickly down the dock to find Alice and Bella pushing the second tube towards us. I glared at Jake, pleading him with my eyes, to not tell this fucking story. Not here, not now.

Jake let out a loud bark of a laugh. "Dude, I'll never fucking forget that shit! Rachael fucking stripped down naked at the pool in front of _everybody _and you just tossed her over your shoulder and fucking hauled her ass upstairs. And Tanya was just fucking _trippin' _balls, screaming at you and shit. I don't fucking understand where you find these _sluts_, man!"

I dropped my head as the girls walked up, their quiet giggles suddenly silent. They dropped the tube on the dock next to Jake who was still chuckling quietly to himself, completely oblivious to the sudden tension in the air. Unfortunately, Alice wasn't.

"What's so funny?" Alice asked, her voice light and full of sunshine, but her eyes questioning.

"Nothing," I muttered. "Jake's just being a dick, as per usual."

Jake laughed and shook his head, tossing the first tube into the water. "Dude, I'm just messing with you. Lighten the fuck up."

I rolled my eyes and went digging around one of the compartments for lifejackets for the girls.

"Mine's the pink one," Alice reminded me.

"As if I would forget, Al. The guys give me such a hard time every time they see that ugly thing."

"Yeah, well its not my fault I'm the only one with fashion sense."

"And you're also the only girl."

"Then what is Rose?" she giggled.

"Rose is a dude stuck in a supermodel's body," Jake sighed. "The perfect woman."

Alice swatted him with her lifejacket after I tossed it over to her. "Fuck you, Jacob Black."

"Hey! I'm just saying!"

"Just saying what?" Emmett came strolling up to us, a red gas can in one hand, and my blue cooler stocked full of beer in the other.

"How Rose is the perfect woman," Bella giggled and my lips curled unconsciously at the sound of her laugh.

"I wouldn't say _perfect_," Emmett grinned as he passed me the cooler and gas can. "That woman is a psycho bitch at times. All she needs is the right kind of man to handle her."

"And I'm sure you're that perfect man, huh Em?"

Emmett shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, nobody's perfect."

Bella giggled and shook her head, shoving Emmett half-heartedly. Emmett cocked an eyebrow at her and she just beamed back at him. I looked back and forth between them in confusion for a few seconds but then shook my head and turned my attention back to the boat. I wasn't sure I really wanted in on whatever secret conversation they were having.

"Al, you two want your own tube or you want to share with the guys?"

Alice shrugged, glancing over at Bella. "How about Bella and I go now?"

Bella pulled her gaze from Emmett's and nodded. "Sure, yeah."

"And the guys will hog everything later anyway. Might as well get our turn while they're offering."

"Okay," Bella giggled.

I fueled up the boat while Emmett and Jake handled the tubes, making sure they were attached properly and the ropes were the same lengths so someone didn't end up on top of the other. The last thing I needed was to hurt one of those girls all the way out here in the middle of nowhere the night before Alice's birthday.

"Let's fucking get this baby out on the water!" Emmett cried once they had everything ready to go. He ran his hand along the back of the cream and blue vinyl seats, collapsing along one of the benches and letting out a long breath. He adjusted the ball cap on his head, his face twisting up into a smirk. "Fuck I love my life."

"Cheers, bro," Jake agreed, flopping down on the seat. He leaned back and closed his eyes. "Man, it would blow to be one of those poor suckers working today."

"Yeah, luckily I have a kick ass boss!" Alice squealed before hopping off the dock and belly flopping on her tube, landing with an "_unf_."

"No, your boss is just a lazy prick," I joked. Jake stuck his middle finger high in the air, flipping me off. Laughing, I turned to Bella, "Just make sure to let me know how fast you can handle. Alice is usually pretty brave out there, but if you want me to slow it down or hit less waves or whatever, just make sure and signal, okay?"

Bella's face broke out into a grin, and then a giggle escaped. "Okay." She shook her head, freeing her hair as she turned her back and zipped up her lifejacket.

"What?" I asked, tilting my head in confusion.

She glanced back at me, a smirk on her lips. "I've been skydiving, I've been bungee jumping, and I've been whitewater rafting. I'm pretty sure one little ride on a calm lake in a big cushy tube won't scare me, Edward."

My eyes widened in shock and I could feel my jaw drop open as she walked a bit further down the dock and cannon-balled into the water beside where Alice was floating on her tube. I shook my head to try and clear my brain.

Bella… Bella Swan… had been _skydiving? _And _bungee jumping?_

_Who in the hell was this woman?_

I let out a laugh and had to shake myself again as I climbed onto the boat, my mind in shock as I tried to picture Bella doing anything that extreme. It was a far, far cry from the Bella that had left me behind five years ago, that was for certain.

It was all just more proof that Bella Swan was practically a stranger to me; a stranger whose body had been all over mine less than an hour ago.

I took a seat behind the wheel, still kind of grinning to myself. Jake and Emmett were already fucking around with the music; they put on _Bust A Move _by Young MC and had it cranked so loud the entire boat was pounding. I rolled my eyes at the music choice as I checked to be sure the girls were settled on their tubes and began to ease the boat into deeper water. Once I got a good enough distance out, I checked behind me once more to see Alice giving me the thumbs us, and grinned as I accelerated the boat on the glassy water.

I heard the girls giggling and squealing almost instantly, and I grinned to myself as I twisted my seat a bit so I could glance back more easily every once in a while, but still keeping my eyes on where I was going.

"Cullen!"

"Yo."

"Beer!" I glanced up just as Emmett spiraled a cold Budweiser in my direction. I caught it with one hand, grinning and nodding at him as I cracked it open.

I pushed the boat a bit faster, knowing Alice was comfortable enough on the water to handle it and curious as to how brave Bella truly was. Neither of them seemed to have a problem as I whipped them around, sent them flying over waves and even crashing into each other. They both wiped out a few times, but climbed right back on – or at least, they tried to but they both were laughing so hard it made it difficult, and was funny as hell to watch. They were both so beautiful, laughing and shrieking like kids, their hair soaked from the water as they clung to the tubes for dear life.

As I looped the boat around and sped back through my own wake, the waves crashed all around the boat and the girls screamed as their tubes went soaring over them. Emmett and Jake were laughing at their attempts to hang on, and I knew that one of them was getting close to being tossed off every time their shrieks grew louder and louder.

"Woman down!" I heard Emmett call, and I glanced behind me to see Alice's head bobbing around in the waves, Bella doubled over in laughter as she tried to keep her grip on her tube. I grinned, slowing the boat and looping back around to pick up Alice for what felt like the fiftieth time. I turned down the stereo, leaning over the side of the boat.

"Am I playing you out yet?" I called out to her.

"Yes! Quit being such a jackass and dumping me off!" she gasped, doggy-paddling toward her tube. "I'm _exhausted_! I don't think I can make it back up there! Can we take a break?"

"Sure thing!" I called back, cutting the engine. Jake and Emmett grumbled, but climbed to the back of the boat to pull the girls in. I was sure they probably wouldn't mind jumping in the lake for a bit just to cool off, as it was fucking scorching out. I stretched up towards the sun, catching a glimpse of Bella as she pretended to help paddle herself in, then just gave up and let the guys tow her into the boat. She was so fucking happy, and beautiful and perfect…

And for the thousandth time, I thanked God that Jasper douche bag Whitlock wasn't here.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

I flopped back on the tube, enjoying the sway of the water as the two incompetent idiots towed me in toward the boat. I knew I could have grabbed the end of the rope that was attached to my tube and get myself there faster, but I wanted the guys to feel like they were good for _something_. Alice was lying on her back in the water, her lifejacket keeping her bobbing along the surface. One hand was reached up, holding onto her tube as Jake pulled her into the boat. She had her eyes closed, a smile on her face. I grinned up at the sun, so thankful for such a beautiful day.

Despite certainevents, the day was turning out to be all that I'd hoped for. Well, maybe not despite of those events. Maybe…. maybe _because of _those events. But no, I didn't want to let my mind go there. That was something I could think about and mull over when I was alone, not now when I was enjoying myself so very much. I didn't want my overactive brain ruining everything. Not today.

The guys had the music cranked back up, and now they were listening to Sublime, and I nodded my head along to _Smoke Two Joints_, glancing over to see Alice was doing the same.

"You pretty much have to smoke a joint every time you hear this song," I could hear Emmett telling Jake. I smiled to myself. I fucking loved Emmett. He was just so honest and carefree and fun… he was the kind of person everyone wished they could be. His _carpe diem _tattoo suited him so fucking perfectly. And I just got along with him so well; he loved to tease me but he knew I could send it right back in his direction. Like how he'd bet me earlier that I couldn't do a back flip into water – Jasper and I grew up trying to outdo each other down where we used to go swimming by my place back in Jacksonville. I could do a front flip too, but back flips were so much easier and always looked much more graceful. Emmett didn't believe me. Which got me thinking…

"Emmett! Hold up a sec, watch this!" I unzipped my lifejacket and pushed myself unsteadily to my feet on top of the tube. I quickly adjusted my bikini top and held out my arms, trying to balance on the choppy waters. I turned around and faced the boat. Emmett had almost pulled me all the way in, so I was close enough to just toss my lifejacket onto the back of the boat. Emmett, Jake and Edward were all watching me curiously. I grinned up at them, bent my knees and then threw myself into a back flip off the tube into the water.

The tube flew out from under my feet when I pushed off, which I was expecting, but I didn't land it as perfectly as I would have liked. While I was underwater I pushed myself around into a somersault to get my hair out of my face, and broke the surface grinning. I pushed myself the rest of the way to the boat and climbed up the ladder, wringing the water out of my hair as I slid onto the back platform.

"Told you I could do that!" I sang, turning and sticking my tongue out at Emmett.

"What, was that your first time? Fuck, I'd give that a three, tops," Emmett replied.

"What!? Shut up! It wasn't that bad," I objected.

"It looked like a walrus trying to imitate a dolphin. Work on your form, then we'll talk."

"Oh, come on, I was on a swaying tube. I'd do a way better one off the boat."

"Yeah, it wasn't that bad, Em," Alice chimed in, climbing up behind me. "That's like a hundred times better than what I could have done."

"Hmm…" Emmett said, seeming to deliberate. "I'd be willing to give you another chance off the boat. But no excuses this time. And we'll need a judge."

I smiled. "Jake?"

"What am I judging?"

"A back-flip contest."

"No way! If there's a contest happening, I'll be taking part, thank you. Edward can do it."

"Nu-uh," Edward said, shaking his head. "I'll show you fucker's how it's done. Alice can judge."

"All right!" Alice agreed. "Bella wins."

"We haven't even _competed _yet, Al."

"Oh. Well… Bella still wins."

"That's not fair!" Edward growled playfully.

Alice shook out her hair, spraying Edward with water in return. "No, you know what's not fair? Having your best friend throw you off a tube every five seconds like a friggin' ragdoll! Besides, Bella will kick your ass any day!"

"Yeah!" I agreed, picking up my sopping lifejacket and flinging it at Edward. He attempted to dodge it, but it still smacked him right in the side. My smile grew – something about nailing Edward with a sopping wet lifejacket was strangely therapeutic.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"Dumping us in the water like twenty times! You're a friggin' maniac. No wonder you have like fifty speeding tickets."

"Yeah!" Alice agreed, quickly undoing her lifejacket and chucking it at her cousin. "Maniac! You should let me and Bella drive!"

"Hey!" Edward cried again, brushing the water droplets from the lifejackets off his skin as the guys laughed at him. "That's _cold! _And there's no way in hell I'd let you ladies drive my boat. I'm not looking to get killed today."

Before I knew what was happening, Alice launched herself at her cousin, in what I think was supposed to a tackle, but ended up looking more like a big wet hug.

"Al! Get off me! Fuck you're cold!"

"All thanks to you, cousin!"

"Get off me!"

"No!"

"All right..." We all watched as Edward took one step, twisting his body so Alice was in his arms, and he was holding her over the side of the boat. She shrieked and squirmed in his arms, as he lowered her body dangerously close to the water.

"_Edwaaard_! Edward Anthony Cullen! Don't do it!" she screamed as he dangled her further over the side.

"No?" he chuckled, raising an eyebrow.

Alice screeched, clinging to him tighter as he fake tossed her in the water.

Edward laughed. "What's the matter? You were just in there."

"But I don't wanna go back in already," Alice pouted, widening her eyes and gripping him tighter. "It's cold. And it's my b-birthday…"

"Aw, it's not even your birthday yet, Al." Edward sighed, drawing her body back in so she wasn't hanging over the water anymore. "That's just not fair."

Alice brightened, but I could tell by the look on Edward's face that he wasn't done. He grinned deviously, quickly pulling off his sunglasses and tossing them across the boat onto my lap, and took one giant leap, launching the both of them out into the lake. Alice screamed until they hit the water, and when she surfaced she was screaming and swearing at Edward as we all laughed.

"Edward! You're such a _douche!_" She splashed him angrily as he laughed, calmly backstroking away from her. "Ugh, on my _birthday! _You dick!"

"Aw, Alley, lighten up," Edward chuckled, grinning and watching her as she paddled towards the back of the boat.

"Ugh, no. I can't believe you just did that."

"It's not even that bad in here."

"Like hell it's not!"

I giggled as Alice began climbing back up the ladder, her body trembling.

"Aw, Alice, we were just in there, it's not _that _bad," I grinned.

"It is when you're forced to go against your will," she muttered grumpily. "You're lucky one of those idiots didn't throw you in. Then you'd know."

As soon as the words left her mouth, I looked up to see both Emmet and Jake eyeing me up, sly grins on their faces. I quickly scrambled to my feet and jumped up on the sundeck, diving into the water before either of them had a chance to get to me. It might have been funny to watch it happen to Alice, but no way would I fall victim to _that. _

I came up right next to Edward, who was doing lazy backstrokes in the water around the boat. I looked up and waved at Emmett and Jake, laughing. They both glanced at each other and then cannon-balled into the water, landing with a huge splash beside me and Edward. Edward laughed and splashed me as the guys surfaced.

"Cheater," he accused.

"Hey, you started it." I splashed him back. "I had no other choice."

"You always have a choice," he said with a wink before disappearing under the water.

I laughed and shook my head, flipping over in the water so I was floating on my back. I held my arms straight out and puffed out my chest, trying to float completely above the water like I'd learnt at swimming lessons back in the kiddie pool in Phoenix. Of course my mom had forced me to take swimming lessons. When you live in a neighborhood where swimming pools come stock, swimming lessons are a necessity. I'd never been afraid of water – in fact, I thrived in it. Swimming was one of the most relaxing things I could do.

And it was such a fucking perfect day. For a moment, I allowed my mind to drift back to mine and Edward's incident behind the guesthouse. My heart felt lighter in my chest as a flash of the look in his hungry, hooded eyes and the sound of the rumble deep within his chest when he pinned my body against the siding of the house clouded my senses. I drew in a deep, shaky breath, praying I didn't go into cardiac arrest out here in the open water because of the mere memory. It'd be hard explaining that one when someone had to dive in and save me.

I didn't know what I'd expected after my impulsive decision to press my lips to his once more before turning and leaving him in the shade. All I knew was at that moment, I knew that nothing that either of us could say would change anything. Because some things just can't be expressed in words.

So I'd kissed him again, because I was convinced it would be my last chance. I savored the softness of his mouth, the way his bottom lip jutted out slightly more than the top, the perfect balance against mine. I didn't know where the bravery had come from, but I was proud I hadn't just turned around and ran with my tail between my legs.

I tried so hard not to think about the other things that had been discussed before the kiss. Namely, I tried to not think about Jasper. I tried to focus on the sun and the sounds of my friends climbing back up onto the boat and then landing back in the water with a splash. I tried to focus on the upbeat dance music that Alice had changed the stereo to, and to Jake and Emmett's loud laughter, and to the sounds of the guys coughing as they passed around a joint. I tried to think about the kiss I'd just shared with a person I never thought I'd ever touch like that again… But I tried not to think about Jasper. I didn't want to think about how pissed I was at him, or how upset he was going to be when he found out about what happened between Edward and I. And I tried not to think about how little I fucking cared about what he thought.

And I'd had years of practice of rerouting my mind around things I didn't want to think about. So it really wasn't that difficult at all.

I backstroked lazily around the boat, feeling like I was truly stretching my limbs for the first time in forever. I listened to the guys laughing and yelling over the music still playing from the speakers. The water was still crisp with the spring run-off from the tall peaked mountains that surrounded us on all sides. The temperature really wasn't comfortable to spend an extended amount of time in; it was still early in the season and it wasn't like the area got an abundance of sunshine to help speed along the warming process. I could see what Alice had been complaining about earlier, though I knew it would take no time at all to warm back up once I was dried off and back in the sun. I rolled over onto my stomach, swimming slowly to the back of the boat.

"Bella, you're surprisingly graceful in the water," Emmett noted from where he was perched on the side of the boat smoking a cigarette, his feet skimming the water.

I reached the ladder and began climbing onto the wooden platform that hung off the back. I paused, wringing the water from my hair. "Well, Swan's not only my last name…" The moment the words left my mouth, Emmett and I paused and made a strange face at each other and then burst out laughing. Yeah, I didn't really know where I was going with that one.

"Keep your day job, Swan. You know, I'm fairly certain that about ninety-nine percent of your charm is your lack of coordination on dry land." Emmett chuckled.

"_Shut up._" I looked around for something to throw at him but Edward caught my eye and distracted me completely. I hadn't realized it, but he was sitting next to the ladder that I was still standing on, so close our shoulders were almost touching. The corner of his mouth was lifted up in a smirk, his eyes teasing as he watched me.

"Not you too," I groaned.

"What?" he asked innocently, his smile growing.

"I think half the reason Emmett gets out of bed in the morning is because he can't wait to see what new way I'll come up with to hurt myself," I grumbled, carefully turning myself around and plopping down on the platform next to him. Our feet kicked out in synchronization, our hands both gripping the beech-colored wood under us, fingers so close I could feel his warmth against my skin. His proximity had my heart thudding and my knees weak all over again. Good thing I was sitting down.

Edward chuckled. "Well I guess I don't find as much enjoyment in your pain as Emmett does."

"It's good to know somebody still cares about me," I muttered under my breath, not entirely intending for Edward to hear.

Edward nodded slowly as he took a drag of his cigarette, but didn't reply.

I glanced over at him. "…Can I bum one off you?" He only looked at me blankly, his cigarette hanging from his lips. I giggled, motioning to his mouth. "Your smokes. I left mine on the beach."

I watched as understanding crossed his face and he laughed. "You really shouldn't smoke, Bella," he told me, but tossed me his pack anyway.

"Thanks." I waved my hand around in the air until my fingers were relatively dry and pulled one out. I slipped it between my lips and looked up to ask him for a lighter only to find he had one ready. He flicked the Zippo, his free hand guarding the flame from the slight breeze, and brought it up to the end of my cigarette. I inhaled deeply, and he pulled the lighter away.

I shivered as I exhaled. "You know, for someone telling me I shouldn't be smoking, you were awfully eager to light that."

He smiled, leaning back on his elbows. "Always been a secret fantasy of mine," he said quietly.

"What? Giving your ex-girlfriend lung cancer?" I glanced behind me; everybody seemed preoccupied, and the music was so loud I doubted anyone could overhear us.

Edward laughed loudly. "Yeah, something like that."

We were quiet for a moment, then he turned to me. "So… skydiving, huh?"

I bit the corner of my lip as I laughed. So he hadn't missed that little fact I'd let slip earlier. "It was a long time ago…" Smiling at the memory, I told him, "Me and Jazz were really bored one day…"

"Ah, so you skydive. That's perfectly normal behavior."

I snorted at his sarcasm. "Well, we were really, _really _bored."

He laughed, taking a drag of his cigarette. "How was it?"

"Terrifying." I admitted. "But… oddly transformative, too. I mean, I told myself back then that if I could do that, then I could do anything. It's hard to be afraid of anything after you've done that. Plus, the adrenaline rush was fucking unbeatable. It was so amazing."

"Bella got balls," he said quietly, and looked over at me with a small smile.

"I did. They're quite large. Maybe you'll get to see them one day."

His body shook with laughter. "That's so wrong," he groaned.

"You said it first," I pointed out, laughing with him.

He rolled his eyes and nudged me and I nudged him back, and we both sat there like grinning fools, looking anywhere but at each other. And just like that we were two fifteen-year-olds sitting at the end of the pier licking dripping ice cream cones as I teased him about test scores and he laughed at how I'd managed to step on the soccer ball and sprain my ankle in gym class and he'd had to help me to the nurse's office. We'd giggle like kids, and every time his mouth moved all I could think about was leaning and licking up the melting ice cream in the corner of his lips.

"Hey lovebirds." I shook myself back to the present as Alice slid herself between Edward and I on the back platform. Edward shuffled over to make room for her. I glanced at Edward over her head and he only shrugged, looking as baffled as I was.

_Strange. _

"So… are you boys ready to take the stage? I think me and Bella need to get our tans on," Alice beamed.

Edward nodded, extinguishing his cigarette butt in an empty beer can. He mussed up Alice's hair as he got to his feet and started the boat back up as Emmett and Jake zipped up their lifejackets up and hopped on the tubes.

I turned hesitantly to Alice, expecting her to further explain her greeting, but she only scrambled to her feet and tugged on my hand, "Come on. You need sunscreen, Paleface."

I rolled my eyes but followed her.

We spent the rest of the afternoon out on the water. We drank, we smoked, we jumped in the water, and the boys showed off their pretty incredible wakeboarding skills. I swear I almost had a heart attack when Jake took control of the boat and Edward strapped on the wakeboard. The man was fearless on the water, flying far too fast and high over the wake as he twisted and turned in the air too many times for me to count. It was incredible how every time he somehow managed to land on the board like it was the most natural of movements, his arrogant smirk never leaving his face. And when he climbed back on the boat, dripping wet, my stomach did little flips that made me believe a part of me had been out there with him.

His eye caught mine and his lips pulled up into the perfect crooked grin and my teeth dug into my lip as I bit back a beaming smile, unable to look away, and unsure if I really wanted to anyway.

I was actually surprised by his brazenness, and relieved that he wasn't ignoring me completely. He hadn't gone all emo-Edward on me, which I was completely expecting. All day he had had been almost… _flirty. _And one thing was for sure – the man knew how to work it. He snuck sly glances my way, his perfect crooked smile on his lips while he watched me. His dark sunglasses covered the mischievous twinkle in his eye as he teased me, his laugh sending a chaotic uproar of butterflies dancing around in my stomach Even the simple sweeping of his hair off his forehead and the way that he looked when he relaxed back in his seat, a cigarette between his fingers and his other hand resting naturally on his bare stomach did crazy things to my heart rate.

I didn't know what to think about it, about any of it. Besides the obvious incident in the woods, I had the feeling a lot of it had to do with the absence of a certain best friend of mine, but I didn't find myself fighting it. Instead, I flirted back. It was one day that we didn't have to hide exactly who we were. Sure, Jasper wasn't there to distract Alice, and I didn't doubt that she had realized that _something _was going on… her comment when she greeted Edward and I on the back of the boat basically confirmed it for me. But for whatever reason I just didn't care. Memories of the intense make-out session were clouding my brain and making it hard for me to process any rational thought. Because truly, the only thing I could really focus on was whether or not I'd get to feel his lips on mine again, and when exactly that would be. It had been so _fucking _long since anybody had made me feel like he had. If I really thought about it, it had been over five years since anybody had made me feel like _that. _I felt my cheeks flush and my stomach knot at the memory. I felt lighter and happier than I had in ages; almost like if I stepped off the boat at any instant, there was a pretty good chance I'd walk on the water. It felt so _good_.

Before we headed in for the evening, Edward stopped the boat so we could all hop in the water one last time. I lined up with the guys to compete in our silly little back flip contest off the side of the boat. Alice declared me winner, and even though I was pretty sure the judge was a little bias, I didn't complain.

We settled back into the Wakesetter, wet and worn-out, our skin tight from a long days worth of sunshine. I sighed happily, a smile on my lips as I gazed off in the distance, watching the sun make its daily descent toward the horizon. Alice sat next to me, sipping a wine cooler as the boat raced through the glassy water towards the cabin. Everybody was silent, seemingly lost in their own thoughts. I glanced around at my new friends as they relaxed back, cheeks slightly pink and sun-kissed. A strange feeling awoke in my chest. It was here, thousands of miles from home and in a place I had least expected that I'd found more kinship than I ever would have imagined.

I looked around at each person, for the first time in a long time feeling hopeful. Maybe I'd been wrong all along – maybe all good things didn't have to end. Maybe this one thing – all of us, together and happy – was how it was supposed to be. Maybe it would all work out for us in the end. Maybe, for the first time in my life, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

**x.x.x**

"Clyde! You can't eat all the damn chips!"

I snorted in laughter as Alice glared down at her puppy, who stared back up at her, his eyes wide and innocent. We were all lounging around in the backyard, curled up on the patio in the giant, cushy chairs. Edward stood a few feet away from the table, his back to us as he double tasked – manning the barbeque as he checked his voicemails from the day. Clyde was sitting in Alice's lap as she chatted with Emmett and Jake. She absentmindedly picked away at a bowl of dill pickle chips as she talked, but every time she raised one up to her mouth, Clyde would snatch it from her hand.

"It's only because you spoil him, Al," Edward told her, turning toward the table. "You're going to have the first dog in history with high blood pressure and heart disease."

Alice wrinkled her nose. "It's gotta be better for him than that stinking dog food."

"_Alice_," Edward half-sighed, half-laughed.

"Yeah, yeah," Alice muttered, running her fingers through Clyde's golden fur.

I stifled a giggled, assuming this was an argument they had regularly. Edward caught my eye, silently laughing with me before he turned back to the barbeque. My gaze lingered on him as he poked at the tinfoil-wrapped potatoes, rolling them around on the barbeque. His phone was wedged between his ear and shoulder, nodding his head along as he listened to the voice on the other end of the line. He pulled the phone away from his ear, pressed a few buttons, and placed the phone back up to his ear. It wasn't even a moment later when he let out a low growl and ripped the phone from his ear, chucking it onto the patio table in obvious disgust. He looked up at Alice and opened his mouth like he was about to call her out on something, then his gaze fell on mine and his mouth snapped shut. He just shook his head and went back to cooking. I furrowed my brow. _What the hell was that about? _

I brushed it off, assuming it was some work crisis and he didn't want to bring it up to Alice on their day off.

But he was strangely disconnected for the rest of the evening. He was quiet and pensive… it was obvious something was up. With a sinking feeling I began to realize that our window of freedom – of normalcy or whatever it had been today – was quickly closing.

I frowned down at my glass of wine, hating the pain I already felt at the mere thought. It had only been a few hours, but already I was growing accustomed to his bright eyes and teasing smiles.

We ate a quiet supper of steak, potatoes and asparagus – my three favorite foods. I wondered if Edward remembered and had planned it that way. But the moment the thought crossed my mind I wanted to slap myself. When did I become such a narcissist? I quickly decided it had to have been a coincidence.

After supper, Jake and Emmett disappeared inside and Edward and I lit up a smoke, sipping glasses of red wine. I relaxed back in the chair, tucking my bare feet under myself as I watched the sun dip down below the mountains, my eyes on the brilliant orange and pink sunset.

This place was so beautiful – I never wanted to go back to Forks. I wondered what kind of jobs I could find out here in the middle of nowhere. Maybe I'd have to learn to live off the land – hunt deer and moose and bears. I laughed to myself, trying to imagine me going all hillbilly style, wrastlin' a grizzly. I could even practice on Emmett. I only shook my head when Edward looked up at me questioningly. I probably looked like a lunatic, sitting there laughing to myself.

"_Heeeey Alice_!" Jake pulled me from my bizarre daydream as he emerged through the wide opening from the kitchen and onto the back patio. He had his back to us, and Edward watched him with a knowing grin stretched across his face. Emmett was right behind Jake, a stack of plates in his hands, laughing as he watched Alice perk up curiously. Jake turned around, and in his hands was a creamy white birthday cake with deep red roses around the edges, the words '_Happy Birthday Alice_' were written in the same red across the top in an elegant cursive. Two sparklers stuck from the top in lieu of birthday candles, crackling a glowing yellow in the dim twilight.

"Happy Birthday!" he sang, setting the cake before her.

Alice's face looked like she didn't know if she wanted to get up and hug everybody or sit down and cry. "Aw… You guys!" she said, her smile wide and her lower lip quivering. "That's so sweet!"

"Well, you only turn twenty-five once," Jake said, ruffling her hair.

"Twenty-_four_," she corrected him, swatting him playfully. "Aw," she tilted her head to the side as she inspected her cake. "Thank you, guys." She looked over to Edward, her smile growing and her eyes glistening. He simply grinned back at her, and I almost had to look away from the simple, yet intimate moment. Their relationship didn't seem to be all that different from what Jasper and I shared. I wondered for a moment what had happened to bring two cousins who had virtually been strangers to each other so close in the past four odd years.

It was simply another question to add to the mystery that was Edward Cullen.

Emmett cut up the cake and we all picked away at our pieces as we lounged outside, and before I knew it the lake was reflecting back a perfect image of the crescent moon that hung high in the dark sky. I stretched and yawned, desperately in need of a long shower to try and clear my head so I could hopefully get a good nights sleep and prepare for the big party the next day. I said my goodnights despite the protests of everyone around me and gathered the empty plates from the table, dropping them off in the kitchen before heading out to the guesthouse, my mind still spinning with the days events.

I tried to sort through my messy thoughts as I bathed in the too-large glass and tile shower, shaving and washing myself slowly, mulling over the revelations of that day, awaiting some miraculous epiphany. I thought about Jasper and his omission of the truth, which honestly still had me reeling. I wondered how different things would have been had I known Edward had shown up at my doorstep that morning, or had I known Jasper had laid a hand on Edward after promising me he never would. I wondered if Jasper's reason for lying to me was because he was truly trying to protect me or if it was something else altogether. And if he really was just trying to protect me, had he done the right thing? Was Edward that terrible of a person for me? Or was there something else brewing below the surface, something I'd been blind to all these years? A part of me knew this couldn't be true, but another part of me didn't want an answer at all.

And if Jasper had failed to tell me about Edward showing up to the house that morning… what else had he lied about over the years? Was our vow of truth not as solid as I believed?

I thought about Edward and his reasons for breaking up with me. I was so used to hating him… But what if I didn't hate him at all? What if I not only understood his reasons, but actually empathized with him? I wondered, had I been in his shoes, would I have chosen any different?

When my mind flashed back to the kiss again, my fingers lowered on their own accord, wanting to bring about the release that had been _so close_ as Edward thrust himself against me when I was pinned to the wall. But I stopped myself in angry frustration, knowing that the hands I really needed were getting further and further from my grasp with every passing moment. And oh God, how much I would give to have him in this shower with me right now… My knees buckled, and I collapsed back against the marble wall, breathing heavily at the mere thought.

I let out a growl of frustration, pounding my fists against the wall. I'd gone unnaturally long as a sexual recluse, and now that release had been within my reach, it was all I could fucking think about. The man was seriously fucking with me. My head fell back, smacking against the tile wall.

But if I let Edward back in now… what would I do if he hurt me again? Somehow I knew my heart could never take a hit like that again – it could only be broken into so many pieces.

When I finally emerged from the steamy shower, I was more confused than ever. I wanted to crawl into Edward's arms and sleep blissfully knowing he'd be by my side when I opened my eyes in the morning. I wanted to race back to Forks and give Jasper a piece of my mind. I wanted to knock on Alice's door and tell her the truth and convince her that she really didn't have to hate me. I wanted a giant hug of reassurance from Emmett while he teased me about my physical and mental imbalances. And I wanted to pick up the phone and dial my mother's number just to hear her say I was over-thinking all of it, and tell me that after a good night's sleep everything would look different in the light of a new day.

My movements felt mechanical as I pulled on a pair of boxers and an old tank top before combing through my hair. I knew I was going to drive myself insane if I mulled over any of this anymore. I'd give it some time, and maybe Edward and I could talk in the morning, and try and discuss this royally effed up situation.

With a growl of frustration, I dug my iPod from the bottom of my suitcase, thankful as hell that I'd packed it. I needed some serious musical therapy at the moment. I popped the earbuds in and scrolled through the songs as I slowly moved towards my guitar, which was propped up in the corner. A knock at the door startled me, and I stopped in my tracks, staring at the door for a moment before changing directions and cautiously moving forward. I didn't even need to guess who it was on the other side of the door – I could already feel him there, the buzz in the air, the tingle on my skin.

I reached the door, my heart pounding against my ribs. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and told myself to calm the fuck down and just open it. My fingers twitched, blood rushing to my ears as I wondered what he could possibly want.

_Only one way to find out, idiot._

I drew in one more deep breath, opened my eyes, straightened up and tugged open the door.

And there he stood. So fucking glorious, his hand rubbing the back of his neck, his head tilted slightly to the side, eyes watching me hesitantly. He looked about as distraught as I felt, but when his green eyes met mine, a strange feeling washed over me. I relaxed, and instantly so did he. And that was all it took for me to realize that it was too late. I was already too far gone.

From the looks of things, maybe we both were. But… maybe we both always had been.

Letting out a soft breath, I smiled.

"Hey, Edward."

**x.x.x  
**

* * *

**A/N: **Boys of Summer (it was the 'chapter song'): Ataris or Henley? I personally am torn. I love both versions for different reasons. I've even listened to an interesting version by DJ Sammy. Not bad, but not exactly my cuppa tea.

Also… come play on Twitter: _MidnightTrain. I swear my teasers won't always be as lame was it was for this chapter. And if you follow, let me know who you are from FF. I swear I remember everybody. My head's messed up like that.

And you guys? You rock. I love ya'll so very much.


	14. Ready to Fall

_Chapter 14: Ready to Fall. _

**A/N: **For all you music peeps, I recommend The Lightning Strike by Snow Patrol for this chapter. (Yes, the entire 17-minute song. It's all very fitting.)

One full chapter of EPOV. Ya'll ready for this?

Oh yeah, and NSFW and all that jazz. (Jazz. Aw. I miss him)

* * *

**I know I've been gone for  
What seems like forever  
But I'm here now waiting  
To convince you that I'm not  
A ghost or a stranger  
But closer than you think. **

**Wings won't take me  
Height's done faze me  
So take a step  
But don't look down, take a step.  
Now I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall  
I think I'm at the edge now but I could be wrong  
I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall**

_**Rise Against - Ready to Fall **_

**x.x.x**

**Edward. **

I paced around in the sand outside of the guesthouse for a good twenty minutes. The toe of my sandal dug into the soft sand as I paused, spun around, and paced blindly in the other direction. The glow from the windows of the guesthouse was the only light breaking through the surrounding darkness. I felt like a moth, fluttering around lost in the night, being slowly lured in by her light. I had to wonder if Bella was standing in the living room with the cops on the phone as she watched me out here, going out of my mind like some raging lunatic. I was too scared too chance a look.

I pulled my fingers through my hair for the thousandth time. Between the windy boat ride, the water, and my habitual tugging, it was probably standing on end and making me look just as crazy as I felt.

I'd pace closer and closer to the door, yet every time I found myself on the step and had raised my fist to knock, something stopped me. I don't know if it was nerves, fear, or something else, but _something_ was holding me back.

Unfortunately, a force stronger than anything beyond my control was drawing me to the door, pulling me in.

It was an exhausting mental battle, and I remained caught between two extremes. I could go back to my room and lay in bed all night, torturing myself, wondering what could have been if I'd manned up enough to knock on that door. Or I could go in there; talk this shit out. We had to be beyond fighting over this by now… but where exactly did that leave us, then?

I uselessly kicked at the sand with my foot. Why was I here? Why was I doing this? For all I knew she'd straight up slam the door in my face. Or maybe I'd end up mauling her and she'd beat me off with the baseball bat hidden under the four-poster bed. I probably would have deserved it.

But maybe she'd let me in. And if she did… I tried to convince myself that I could go in there, apologize, be casual.

We could pretend like none of this shit happened… right?

And I could, if it were any other girl on the planet. But this was _Bella. _And only hours ago I'd had her lips on mine and her legs around me for the first time in five goddamn years, so that made this fucking hard.

Impossibly hard.

But I needed to know where she was at with all this. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want to drag her down into the darkness with me.

Because there was so much she'd never understand.

And one day she would _leave. _Because that's what they did. And I wasn't arrogant enough to believe she'd stay for me.

And I was aching for her. And not just physically, either. I was dying just to see her, to sit down and talk with her, one on one. As friends.

I almost laughed as the last thought crossed my mind. I spun around again, changing directions as I shook my head. Because no matter how many times I told myself that, I knew it'd all go out the window the second I was with her.

Because we both knew we could never be just friends. As far as I was concerned, Bella was in a whole other league. Maybe we could kid ourselves into thinking we could be friends for a while, but deep down we both knew it would always be more than that.

And I wanted her. God, I wanted her more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted to have her and hold her and kiss her and hug her and look at her across the room and just smile, knowing she's mine… I wanted to laugh with her and spoil her. I wanted her to sit next to me and hold my hand and run her fingers through my hair like it was the most natural of actions… I wanted to be able to tell her I loved her and tell her my deepest and darkest secrets and most of all I wanted her to _understand _and not completely hate me.

And somehow, while pacing through the sand in front of that door and thinking about all the things I wanted with her, I realized that I needed to let myself go. I needed to stop fucking thinking and take the fall.

Maybe my problem was that I _thought _too damn much.

She was fucking here; against all odds, she was fucking _here._

The one girl I could never let go, the one girl I loved more than anything else. The one I thought I'd lost forever – because of her I'd almost given up hope on anything else, almost thrown my entire life away because I didn't see a point in any of it without her.

But now… she'd come back to me. And it was the small things, like the light blush that painted her cheeks and the way she bit her lip when she smiled that reminded me of why it had hurt so much to lose her. She was reminding me what it felt like to feel pain – reminding me what it felt like to feel anything at all. She was bringing me back to life, pumping air into my lungs with every breath she took.

The entire time she'd been here, I was too busy wondering why the fuck she was here; too busy wallowing in the darkness of my own self-hatred to see it for what it actually might have been. All along, I thought her being here was a curse, sent to torture me; a sick and twisted way to force me to atone for my sins of the past. But I needed to take a goddamn step back and get a better look at the forest before me. Maybe this all was a disguised blessing. Maybe this was our _chance_. For some fucking reason she was here and I was going to let myself go because if I didn't I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

And I didn't care how much it fucking hurt when she left… I'd deal with the pain of that when it was time. But at least I wouldn't have to live with the regret and wondering _what if. _

Because tormenting myself for the rest of my life over the speculation would be far worse than any heartbreak I might suffer in the end.

It had been staring me in the face this entire time. Another tattoo, only not on her skin.

_Carpe-fucking-diem. _

And with that realization, I raised my hand to her door and knocked before I could change my mind. And the moment I did, I felt refreshed; rejuvenated. Like I was fucking king because for once in my life I finally decided what I wanted. Everything else could work itself out.

A moment later the door was being pulled open and Bella was standing before me. She wore a tight grey tank top and a pair of tiny plaid boxers, displaying the firm, silky skin of her legs. Her hair was slightly damp, hanging down her back in gentle waves, her cheeks bronzed from an obvious day in the sun. She had her iPod in one hand, her face turned up into a small, surprised smile as she greeted me.

"Hey, Edward."

"Hey," I grinned breathlessly, just staring at her. She just met my gaze, raising her eyebrows slightly, her eyes obviously questioning. I cleared my throat. "Um, is it all right if I come in?"

"Sure," her smile grew as she pulled the door open wider and stepped back so I could get through. The second I stepped in the room, the smell of her shampoo blindsided me, and I felt my fucking knees weaken. It was all strawberries and vanilla and purely intoxicating, stirring up long-forgotten memories of first-kisses, and holding hands in movie theaters, and the back seat of my car. I wanted to close my eyes and revel in it, but I realized she was watching me, and I probably looked like a fucking lunatic.

I turned to her, and we both hesitated, grinning. I felt like such an idiot, but I could not for the life of me wipe the smile off my face. And it felt good; so fucking good.

"What's up?" she giggled, breaking eye contact as she glanced down at her iPod and then backed up slowly, setting it down on the coffee table in the sitting area.

"Um… nothing, really," I admitted, running a hand through my hair as I tilted my head and smiled at her. "What were you doing?"

"I was just gonna play a bit," she replied, gesturing to her guitar which was propped up in the corner by the flatscreen. She shrugged, laughing at herself. "I just need to unwind, or something. I don't know. It's been an interesting day, huh?"

I blew out a breath. "You could say that."

She smiled, plopping down on the tan couch and folding her slender legs under her. She patted the cushion next to her. "Sit. Keep me company for a bit."

"You sure?"

I didn't want to impose, because deep down I knew this was it. This was that moment where it was up to her to decide. Either I turn around and march back to the cabin and we leave things how they are, or I sit down on the couch next to her. And who the hell knew what would happen from there. But either way, I wanted it to be her choice. I needed it to be.

"Of course," she said, rolling her eyes as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. "It's kind of sad, but I'm not really used to being alone."

"Ah, so you're using me," I grinned, settling down next to her, twisting my body so I was facing her.

"Oh please, if I were going to use anybody, it'd be Alice. She's way more fun."

I flipped her off half-heartedly and she shoved me back. We both kind of laughed, then fell silent, avoiding each other's gaze in an awkward first-date sort of way.

I heard her let out a long, deep breath. "Alright, so I'm just going to bring it up now, because if we don't, it's going to be a fucking long, awkward weekend."

I let out a snort of laughter at her bluntness, glancing over at her. "Okay."

"I…" she began slowly, hesitating. She stared down at her lap, her lips pursed a she blew out a breath. The she shrugged one of her shoulders. "I don't know really… I don't know what I think about our little incident earlier."

"I know, and I should apologize -" I began.

"_Apologize_?" Her gazed snapped up and met mine, her eyes narrowed.

"Umm…" I stared at her in confusion. "I – I…" I stumbled for the right words. What the hell was it about her that could turn me into such a fucking nervous, fumbling wreck? I backpedaled, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I sucked in a deep breath and shrugged. "I just… I didn't mean for it to happen… _that way_."

She raised her eyebrows. "_That way?_"

"Yeah, I mean, it was wrong of me to take advantage of you like that."

"Edward, are you listening to yourself right now?"

"Umm…" I didn't know what the fuck to do, or what I said that was so wrong. I ran a hand nervously through my hair, shaking my head.

"Listen, I'm not the same innocent, naive little girl from Phoenix. I can make my own decisions, and I am fully aware of the consequences. So please, save your breath if you're just going to sit here _apologizing_ to me."

"Okay." I shook my head. I was fucking confused as hell. "What then? What do you want me to say?"

She let out a breath. "I don't know. I wouldn't mind some answers, though. I mean, I've had enough of you and your fucking mood swings. One second you're glaring at me like you'd love to rip my head off, the next second you won't even acknowledge my existence, then sometimes… sometimes you look at me like you _used to_. Then you're yelling at me, then you're kissing me, then you're pushing me away… then you show up here, looking at me like _that, _and now you're _apologizing? _What do you _want?" _

"Bella." She tried to turn away from me angrily, but I reached out and grabbed her arm, and was surprised when she didn't jerk away. I pulled her so she was facing me, looking at me. She had every right to be angry; to be confused.

"I haven't been fair to you," I said, looking her in the eye as I spoke, trying to convey my honesty to her. "I didn't just come here to apologize for what happened today. I'm sorry for all of it. For the way I've treated you… you didn't deserve it. But you caught me off guard and I… I don't know _why_, but that's just how I dealt with it. I was fucked up and I was terrified, because honestly, I didn't even know if it was _real._" I laughed bitterly. "I thought I'd lost my fucking mind. I freaked, and I handled it wrong. Everything. All of it. And I'm sorry, I truly am."

She nodded, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she wasn't completely convinced.

"I'm a coward," I said softly, shaking my head. "I've been so fucking terrified… terrified of being alone with you, of looking at you and truly s_eeing _you because I knew that when I did… well, _this _would happen."

She was quiet for a moment, and then she drew in a deep breath, her brown eyes shining in the dim light. "Do you regret it?" she asked. "Do you regret kissing me?"

I almost laughed at the absurdity of her question. "No," I assured her. "I _promise _you that I don't. I have been waiting too long for that moment."

Her face softened. She looked at the floor, and then glanced back up at me through her eyelashes. I heard her let out a soft breath.

"_This is crazy_," she said softly, and I wasn't sure if she was saying it to me or to herself. Then she smiled weakly. "I'm sorry. I'm just having such a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I just don't even know what to think anymore."

"Tell me about it." I shook my head and ran my hand through my hair. "I still haven't really had a fucking chance to process any of this. That's why I was hoping that maybe… maybe when we get back to Forks, we could sit down and catch up? Maybe I could take you out to dinner or something."

She raised an eyebrow skeptically. "But people might see us, Edward," she reminded me, a bitter edge to her voice.

I shrugged. "Let them."

She frowned. "And why the sudden change of heart?"

"I'm done pretending… And for some reason, by some crazy chance, maybe someone is giving us a second shot. And I don't want to regret just sitting there and letting it pass me by. I miss you, Bella. I miss you and I want to get to know you again… I can't stay away any longer."

She looked down at her hands as she spoke. "I… I don't want to regret it, either," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

I pulled her chin up, so her eyes met mine. I searched them, my heart racing with anxiety. "Is that a yes?"

She smiled timidly. "…Yes."

I took her face in my hands, unable to contain my excitement. I grinned, my thumbs stroking her cheeks gently. She was so _soft. _So _beautiful_.

"I don't want to hurt you, Bella," I said slowly. "But… I don't know if I can stay away from you anymore."

Her eyes met mine; her lips parted. "_Then don't_," she breathed, and I hadn't realized it, but we had moved closer, she was nearly in my lap, the electric current vibrating between us, pulling us in.

I reached up and touched a stray piece of her hair, brushing it gently off her face. I let my fingers trail down her cheek, to her neck, her throat, her collarbone. She shivered, and I let my hand fall to my side.

"It's just so complicated," I said softly. "There's so much standing between us."

She shook her head. "Because we _let _it."

"There's so much you'd hate me for…"

"Try me."

I sighed and looked at her longingly. "Five years is a long time, Bella."

"Forever is even longer."

She batted her eyelashes, her eyes locking into mine.

"_Thank you_," I whispered. Then slowly, carefully, I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers.

It was short, much too short, but it was beautiful and it warmed me from the inside out. Her lips were damp against mine, and I closed my eyes and breathed her in. She met my lips softly, slowly, passionately. I allowed myself only a few moments of ecstasy before slowly pulling myself away.

"_Thank you_," I whispered against her lips as I inhaled and drew back. She sighed, almost disappointed, and I chuckled, pulling her into a hug, loving the perfect way her body molded against mine. I kissed the top of her head.

"God, I missed this so much," I growled, not wanting to let go.

"I know," she said softly, letting out a breath into the crook of my neck. I smiled, resting my chin on top of her head.

I wanted to ask about Jasper. I needed to know she wasn't going to freak and want to try and hide this, whatever it was, from him. But I couldn't force the words out of my mouth. Because I didn't want to know the answer. We had twenty-four hours here, Jasper free. He and Rose wouldn't be here until tomorrow night, and that was a fucking godsend.

She wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tight, and a part of me wondered if she wasn't thinking about the exact thing I was.

"So, Edward Cullen, you never did tell me."

I hummed, pulling back and raising an eyebrow. "Tell you what?"

She grinned deviously. "What do you think of my tattoo?"

I rolled my eyes playfully, my fingers instantly finding the back of her neck. "I _showed _you what I think about that tattoo."

"You could always… _reiterate_," she said softly, her lips leaning in and finding the skin just below my ear.

"Oh yeah?"

She squealed in surprise as I grabbed her hips, quickly pulling her down the couch so she was on her back looking up at me. I hovered above her, grinning down at her. She batted those damn long eyelashes up at me innocently.

Slowly, I lowered my mouth to her neck.

"You know," I said, kissing her once, gently, enjoying the feel of her shivering in my arms. "That tattoo," I continued, trailing my lips down the side of her neck, holding her in place as she squirmed under me. "Is the sexiest," I reached her spot, just above her collarbone and she let out a gasp. "Fucking." I began sucking, gently, and she let out a low groan in my ear. "Thing." I flicked out my tongue, running it slowly up the side of her throat. "I have _ever_." I reached her jaw line, and slowly kissed my way up to her ear. "_Seen_," I breathed heavily, my teeth gently nibbling her earlobe. She shuddered and moaned, her arms tightening around me, struggling to pull me down on top of her.

"E –E – nuuugh," she gasped, and I pulled back, smirking at her. Her head had fallen back, eyes closed, her lips parted as she panted heavily. "Why are you stopping?" she whined, tugging down on me once more.

I laughed. "Bella, please. I'm not a whore."

Her eyes snapped open and she glared up at me.

"_Contrary _to popular belief."

She sat up, pushing me off her. "Yeah, whatever."

"So what," I laughed as I sat up, "You get mad when you think I'm some big man-whore, but now you're pissed when I won't put out?"

"Yeah, well, it's different with me," she said indignantly.

"That's what they all say."

She shoved me with one hand, and then crossed her arms over her chest.

"Edward, _really." _

"Bella, _really_." I grinned back.

She growled under her breath, pushing herself backwards on the couch, farther away from me.

I just threw back my head, laughing at her. It had been such a long fucking time that I'd felt such joy, such lightness in my chest. I watched as she tried to fight back a smile that curled on her lips, betraying her pout. Then she let out a giggle, shaking her head.

"So what do you want to do then?"

I pondered it. What _did _I want to do? Despite my words, all I really wanted to do was carry her to the fucking bed and make love to her all night long. But something deep inside of me, a gut instinct or something, knew that it was too fucking soon for that. So instead, I stood up and grabbed her guitar from the corner, plopping back down on the couch beside her with it in my lap. She uncurled from her spot in the corner of the couch, stretching out and watching me curiously.

"You still play?" she asked.

"Sometimes," I admitted with a shrug. I flexed my fingers, placing them gently on the strings. "I mean, I'm no Bella Swan."

She rolled her eyes, nudging me with her foot. "Play me something."

"Well that was the plan," I said sarcastically. She made a face at me, her grin widening. "But I will warn you, I only know sappy songs."

"That's okay," she said lightly. "I'm a sucker for the sap."

I grinned at her before my gaze travelled down to the strings of the guitar. I began strumming gently, and heard Bella sigh as she recognized the opening chords. I smiled to myself and cleared my throat.

"_Well I heard there was a sacred chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do ya_?"

My gaze flicked over to her and she smiled at me, settling back into the cushions of the couch, sighing contently.

"_Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift, the baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah… Hallelujah_."

I furrowed my brow as I concentrated on not fucking up. It had been a while since I'd played or sang, but I knew how much Bella loved this song… or at least used to love this song, and I kind of wanted to impress her. And I never gave a fuck about impressing any chick before – not like this.

The song was so peaceful and slow, and I watched her as she closed her eyes and let out a long breath. She looked so… perfect. She was this song, every word, every note. I couldn't move my eyes from her as I sang.

"_Well baby I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya. And I've seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah…_"

I watched her as she shivered slightly, her eyes staying closed. I felt my heartbeat increase, realizing that I was doing that to her.

"_Well there was a time when you let me know, what's really going on below. But now you never show that to me do ya?"  
_

I felt goosebumps raise on my skin, the meaning behind the words I was singing not really hitting me until they left my mouth. And I realized it was bizarre how these lyrics - lyrics I've heard and sang a hundred times over - could mean next to nothing to me one day, and everything to me the next. And then I remembered last night, and Bella telling me how every song reminded her of me.

I guess I could relate.

When I finished off the song, I ran my tongue over my lips slowly as I removed my fingers from the strings and the music slowly died off in the air between us. I glanced nervously over at her. I cocked my head to the side, watching her when I saw she was looking at me, a strange look on her face. A small smile danced on her lips.

"You have no idea how much you sound like Jeff Buckley," she exhaled, her voice low and raspy.

I smiled and looked down, shivering at the tone of her earnest praise. "Thank you," I said, my gaze still on the guitar. It was most definitely an amazing compliment, especially coming from Bella, who could out-sing the best of them, and knew more about music than even me.

She giggled and I felt her slide closer to me. She wound her arm around my shoulders, her fingers tangling in my hair. I shivered and looked over to her and she placed a quick kiss on my unshaven cheek.

"That was amazing, Edward," she smiled.

"Um, thanks," I shrugged.

"You're adorable," she teased, her hand rubbing the back of my neck, her fingers cool against my overheated skin.

I looked up at her, narrowing my eyes teasingly. "I'm not a puppy."

"I didn't say you were," she giggled.

"Yeah, well puppies are adorable. Edward Cullen is not."

She arched an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Yeah, I'm more badass and awesome."

She laughed. "Sorry. Edward, that was awesome. You are so badass."

"And sexy."

"Yes, definitely sexy."

"Thank you," I said, lifting my chin.

Bella just giggled and collapsed back in the cushions. "Yeah, like you need your ego stroked anymore."

"Please. I'm not _that _cocky."

Bella giggled. "Yes. You are."

"I am not!"

She rolled her eyes. "Edward, you're sexy and you _know _it. And that's like… the hottest thing, I swear. But really, you don't need people telling you that shit. All you have to do is look around and see the way people _look_ at you. I think that's more than enough."

I shook my head. "What in the hell are you talking about?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

She brushed her hair back over her shoulder. "Have you ever noticed the way people look at you? Like… the way they just fucking _stare_? That's not normal."

"People stare?"

"Are you kidding me right now?"

I laughed. "What? No. Jesus woman, people don't stare at me."

"_Oh my God_!" she cried, more to herself than anything. She shook her head. "You really don't see it."

"Well, do you see the way people look at you? Even fucking Rosalie is jealous of you. Ever notice that?"

She looked down, her brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"Exactly."

She let out a laugh of disbelief. "You're crazy."

"Maybe."

She exhaled, blowing a few stray hairs out of her face. She tilted her head to the side. "So this afternoon, Jake mentioned some girls…" she said, her eyes watching me curiously. The implied questions of that statement hung in the air between us, and I shifted uncomfortably. I'd really hoped Bella hadn't caught that little bit of information Jake had so graciously shared earlier. I wanted to strangle Jacob-stupid-fucking-big-mouth-Black. I wasn't proud of my history with certain girls, but I knew that if I wasn't honest with Bella now, shit would never be normal between us.

I shrugged, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. "Rachael worked in the office for a little while in Seattle, that's how I met her. We never dated or anything like that… we hooked up that once, and that was it."

Bella nodded, and I saw the disappointment cross her face before she quickly smoothed it out, looking at me indifferently. "And Tanya?"

Ah, so she had even remembered the whore's name. I tried to keep the look of disgust off my face. "Tanya's… a long story."

"Oh," she said softly, her gaze dropping to the floor.

"It's not what you're thinking," I said earnestly. "I swear. We had a history – if you could even call it that. But that was a long, long time ago." My voice was bitter.

She shrugged, and I could tell how hard she was trying to be nonchalant.

"Bella, Tanya never meant anything to me. We were just… in similar situations – a little bit lost and lonely. But it was nothing more than that. I haven't had a girlfriend since… well… you."

She nodded, chewing her lip.

"Do you believe me?" I asked, bringing my thumb up to her mouth and freeing her lip.

Her mouth lifted up into a sheepish smile. "I do."

I ran my thumb along her bottom lip. "I won't lie to you, Bella," I murmured, slowly raising my gaze to meet her chocolate brown eyes. "I _promise_."

She nodded, but I could tell she was still apprehensive.

I cleared my throat. "But there are things… things I need to tell you. Things that might scare you away, and I want you to be prepared. And as much as I wish it were a step we could skip, we need to discuss them before we move much further."

"How bad could it be?" she wondered out loud.

I grimaced. "Bad enough."

"Will I hate you?"

"I hope not."

She sighed. "I don't think you could do anything terrible enough to make me hate you, Edward. Well, unless you told me you were cheating on me before you dumped me." She narrowed her eyes. "Did you cheat on me?"

I couldn't help but smile. "No. Bella, I'd never do that to you."

She smiled timidly back. "Well, tell me tonight, then. Let's get it all out in the open, here and now."

"Not now."

She pouted. "Why not?"

"Because it's been an amazing day… beyond words, really. And I don't want to ruin it."

"Why? Did you kill somebody, Edward?" she asked, her eyes teasing.

I rolled my eyes. "If there was a murderer in me, Jasper would already be a dead man."

She stiffened, and instantly I knew it was a fucking bad move to bring up Jasper. He had to be a bit of a touchy subject. I expected Bella to pull away; reconstruct her guarded walls. But instead she got a strange look on her face, and slowly her lips pulled up into an amused smile.

"You know what's weird?" she asked.

"What?"

"Emmett likes Rose. And Alice is convinced Rose has a thing for Emmett. I mean, look at us all pairing off. I never would have thought… not in a million years… it's like, fate or something." She shook her head, laughing quietly to herself.

I rolled my eyes, appreciating the not-so-subtle change of topic. "You and your fate."

"Come on," she said, looking up. "Is it that hard to believe?"

"_Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice_," I recited. "So, let me get this straight. After everything that's happened to you, all the terrible things you've had to experience, you truly believe that it was all meant to be? That everything happens for a reason?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes I like to think so. It… it gives me hope, you know? Hope that my mom and Phil are in a better place… that everything I've been through has meaning. I mean, it seems awfully unlikely for you to be living in the same strange small town that our car decides to break down in."

I just smiled, because I knew I couldn't fucking argue with that logic, especially after everything Esme had shared with me the night before at her show. I almost opened my mouth to share with her the strange news, but thought better of it. I wasn't trying to withhold the information on purpose – I just knew there had to be a better time to bring up the story of her mother and her father who'd died before she was even born. I couldn't – not while there was still so much to figure out between us.

Bella shook her head, looking like she was trying to shake certain thoughts from her head. "Anyway… want to go outside for a smoke? I've only had, like, three today, so I have some catching up to do."

I shrugged. "Yeah, sure."

She stood up, grabbing a burgundy zip up hoodie from her bed and her pack of smokes from the coffee table. She looked at me with a smile, pulling a lighter from the pocket of the hoodie as she zipped it up.

"What?" she asked, tilting her head to the side, her long dark hair falling over one shoulder as she looked down at me with wide, sparkling eyes.

I realized I'd been staring. I shook my head and chuckled. "Nothing."

"Is this… okay?"

I furrowed my brow. "Is what okay?"

She raised an eyebrow, nodding towards me. "This. Being here… us."

"It's more than okay, Bella."

She sighed, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheek**.** I rose to my feet, stepping forward and cupping her face in my hands.

"I'll leave, if it's too much," I vowed softly. "I want this Bella, I truly do. But I don't want to pressure you either."

She left out a soft breath, her eyes meeting mine. "No," she breathed. "Stay."

"You want me to?"

"Yes, Edward. I do."

I nodded, unsure as to where exactly we were headed, where this was going. I knew where I wanted it to go… but I didn't know what was best anymore. I lost all sense of right and wrong when I was with her. The only thing I could see was her.

My guiding light.

We walked silently outside and I took a seat in one of the patio chairs outside the door, pulling her down into my lap. I watched her reaction carefully, but she only smiled sweetly and sighed, curling back into my chest. It wasn't even that cold out, but I pulled her sweater around her and wrapped her up in my arms. She rested her head on my shoulder, her slow, soft breaths sending chills down my spine.

She didn't move to pull her cigarettes from her pocket, and I had almost completely forgotten about mine.

"The stars are stunning from here," she breathed after a moment, and I realized her gaze was on the sky.

I looked up to the rare clear black canvas above us, adorned with the twinkling lights of millions and millions of stars.

"It's a shame you don't get to see them more often," Bella said.

"Yeah," I agreed softly. "But when you do… well, it's spectacular." I let out a deep breath, holding her closer. She fit in my arms so perfectly; like it was where she belonged. I inhaled deeply; she smelt so incredible, not of lotions or of anything fake like a lot of women, just… _Bella. _So natural and refreshing.

"Look, over there." I lifted my arm, pointing over the lake to the dim green light dancing in the night sky. "You can see the northern lights."

"Wow," she exhaled, turning her head to gaze over the water. "I didn't know you could see them from here. I've… I've never seen them before."

"Well, it's rare that you see them from here, and when you can, it's just a hint. Still… it's beautiful."

"It really is." She laid her head back on my chest, nestling further into my arms. "I think I'm having déjà vu," she said softly.

I smiled, knowing exactly what moment she was talking about. "We were sixteen…"

"And it was the first time you told me… told me you loved me."

"It was." It was a Friday night, early summer. The school year had been winding down; we were juniors. We had ditched junior prom – we had danced to three songs, snapped a few pictures, and then ran off into the night together, holding hands and giggling like schoolchildren. Bella had worn a blue dress; I'd had a suit with a matching tie. We ended up driving along back roads, singing and laughing, then pulled to over lay with a blanket on the hood of my car. We stayed there for hours, just holding tight to one another, counting the stars as we talked about our futures; our hopes and dreams. It was that night that I finally worked up the courage to tell her how much she truly meant to me. It was one of the happiest memories of my life.

I still remembered the soft words that had slipped between us on that silent, peaceful night.

"I can't imagine this, any of it, without you, Bella," I'd told her. I was on my side, propped up on my elbow, my fingers running along the bare skin of her arms as she laid on her back, gazing up into the dark sky.

She'd giggled, her head falling to the side as she looked up at me. "Of course you couldn't. You'd look like a crazy person, lying here talking to yourself, Edward."

"I would be crazy, without you." I knew now that truer words had never been spoken.

She laughed, her head rolling back so she was looking directly back into the stars, and I wondered what she was seeing, what about the sky had her searching eyes so captivated. She had always found beauty in things I couldn't understand.

"I love you," I'd breathed softly, so afraid of uttering those words for the first time. I met her gaze hesitantly, my fingers pausing in their movements, my heart pounding in my chest. I had been just a boy – so terrified of the powerful emotions he felt for the girl lying next to him. But her smile grew, and she'd pulled me down on top of her, and then kissed me stupid.

"I love you too, Edward," she laughed. We laid there, kissing and counting stars until the sun broke over the horizon and chased the stars away.

"Have you been in love since?" Bella asked quietly, breaking me from my memories.

"No." The idea was almost laughable. I'd long given up on finding love. If I ever uttered those words to another girl, it'd be nothing more than a lie. I'd come to realize that nothing would ever rival what I'd had with Bella. It was like comparing the dancing stars above us to a comet shooting across the night sky. The rare comet was so brilliant and bright it took your breath away – the billions of tiny stars became nothing but a disappointment, a bitter reminder of the possibilities you knew the universe had to offer. A comet was a once in a lifetime event for most people – yet somehow I'd been given a second chance. The comet had broken through my darkness not once, but twice. Three times, if you counted the blissful moments together as infants, before we'd even been able to form memories.

"Have you been in love?" I asked her softly.

She shook her head slowly against my chest. "No. I couldn't imagine…" her voice trailed off.

I nodded, knowing exactly what she was saying. I held her closer, silence falling around us like a warm blanket. My fingers travelled slowly up and down her bare arm, and her head fell back against my chest, her breathing soft and slow. My eyes closed too, and I didn't know how long we sat there, just reveling in each other's presence. An owl hooted quietly from somewhere in the forest; a loon cried in the distance. I shivered slightly; and I knew it had nothing to do with the wildlife surrounding us and everything to do with the beautiful woman in my arms. I rested my chin on her shoulder, sighing deeply.

This was how it was supposed to be. From the very beginning, this was how it should have gone.

I found myself talking before I'd even consciously decided I was going to break the silence. "Why do you do it?" I asked softly, my voice muffled in the skin on her shoulder. I lifted my head slightly, clarifying my question. "I know why you left… but why did you keep going? Why not stop somewhere? Make a life for yourself?"

I watched as the corner of Bella's lifted into a small, sad smile as she turned her head to the side. She looked at me while she replied, "Because… well… the moment we stopped moving, the moment things got comfortable… that's when I began to feel it. The pain, the loss… it was always so much worse then. So we would pack up and move on. It started out as a distraction, I suppose. But soon, it became our life. The moment that all the bad caught up with us, we'd be gone again."

"And you like living that way? Always running?"

She smiled. "I don't like to think of it as running… but yeah, I liked it. I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. Nowhere in the world felt more like home than when Jasper and I were on the road."

"Liked it?" I asked, praying the hope I felt at that one word didn't saturate my voice.

"… I think we're getting ready to slow down," she said softly.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Before the car broke down… we were going to Canada. I don't know why exactly, but a new country just seemed right to start over in. But now… I don't know what's going to happen."

_Stay_, I pleaded silently, knowing I had no right to ask her but dying to nonetheless.

My hand moved to the exposed sliver of skin between her tank top and shorts. She was so warm, so soft… so fucking irresistible. I felt her breathing hitch as I slowly traced the line between her hip bones and I smiled to myself, bending my neck and placing a gentle kiss on her collarbone. Her back arched slightly, the movement putting the smallest amount of pressure down onto my awakening cock. I wanted to groan – she had no idea how much the slightest movements affected me. I wasn't even embarrassed about what she now felt beneath her in my lap. She hummed softly as my lips travelled across her collarbone to the crook of her neck, my fingertips dancing along her skin. She gasped and her back arched again, and I felt my breathing speed up.

"_You do this to me, Bella_." I spoke softly against her skin, the friction of her wriggling on top of me increasing the throbbing in my pants. I exhaled heavily, my other hand coming around as I grasped her hips, rocking her ass slowly against me, my fingertips dancing along the skin at hem of the bottom of her shorts. Her head fell back against my shoulder; her lips parting as she made what I was sure were the sexiest sounds to ever escape a woman's lips.

Her hands reached down, prying my hands from her hips. I instantly released my grasp, realizing with a sinking feeling I was probably moving too fast. _Slow the fuck down, Cullen, _I told myself. I let out a sigh of defeat, wanting to show her how much I fucking missed her in the only way I knew how to, but not wanting to scare her away already. But then, for the thousandth time that day, the girl surprised the fuck out of me as she twisted around in my lap, and suddenly her bare legs were straddling me, her hands fisting my thin t-shirt. She pressed herself down against the bulge in my pants, her hungry mouth finding mine.

I groaned against her lips, my mind going blank, the fire burning deeper down in the pit of my stomach as she slid herself against me. She took my bottom lip between her teeth and I felt as if my entire fucking world was tilted on its axis. Bella was taking control. Beautiful, sexy, daring Bella was dominating _me_. When the realization hit me, I was sure for a moment that I was going to fucking jizz in my pants. _Oh God, that was hot_.

"_Oh, fuck Bella_." My voice was hoarse, desperate as her mouth moved to my ear. She panted softly and a shiver ripped through my entire fucking body. I couldn't fucking move as she began sucking on my earlobe, grinding harder and faster on my lap. The girl was a fucking vixen, her hands sliding under my shirt, dragging the tips of her fingers over the ridges of my stomach. I could feel her warmth against me, my cocked strained against the confines of my pants, reaching up toward her. Oh God, how I wanted to feel her slick smooth skin against me; run my tongue along her beautiful pink wetness, feel myself surrounded by her tight walls, drown myself inside her…

"_Edward_…" My name escaped her lips and I lost it. I grabbed her firm ass with both my hands, grunting as I squeezed her flesh. Bella's throaty moan vibrated against my neck as she moved faster, panting heavily as her lips moved at a frenzied pace against my neck. I gripped her tight as I shot to my feet and her limbs wrapped tightly around me, plastering our bodies against each other. I groaned as her teeth nipped at the skin of my neck.

For a moment, I was torn. _Where the fuck do I go?_ Was the bed too forward? Fooling around on the beach was hot as fuck in the movies, but uncomfortable as shit in real life. What about the couch? The couch seemed like a happy medium. Without a second thought, I carried her quickly back inside the guesthouse, kicking the door closed behind me, blindly finding my way back to the couch. Her hands were on my back now, she was dragging her fingers down my skin, and my knees almost buckled when she panted heavily into my ear. Luckily, it was the same moment that my shins hit the edge of the couch. I dropped our bodies down onto the beige cushions, collapsing on top of with my hips between her legs.

She wriggled against me, her back arched, her lips parted. Her hands tugged at the bottom of my shirt and I allowed her to rip it over my head. She tossed it aside and immediately my hands were on her sweater, peeling it back off her shoulders. She shimmied and wriggled free of the hoodie, chucking it in the same direction my shirt had just went. I pushed her tank top up her sides, sliding down her body and placing kisses along her flat stomach. She groaned, her fingers tangling in my hair as she tugged on the roots.

"Oh fuck," I groaned, my lips vibrating against her skin. I slid my hands up her sides, realizing that she wasn't wearing a fucking bra. Instantly, I wondered if she was commando under those boxers as well. My cock throbbed at the thought.

I kissed hungrily up her stomach, pushing her shirt up higher as I went. My thumbs grazed around the skin of her bare breasts, and she made strangled gasping sounds as my lips neared her sternum. She raised her arms above her head and I realized she was giving me permission to get rid of the flimsy fabric separating me from her beautiful, round breasts. I eagerly ripped the tank top over her head, pausing as I took in the beautiful sight before me.

Christ, she was so fucking gorgeous. There was a line framing her breasts where the days sun had kissed her skin, turning it a golden brown that made the creamy ivory skin of her breasts jump out at me. I ran my thumb gently over her hardened nipple, and she twitched beneath me letting out a long, shaky hiss. That was all it fucking took – I lowered my mouth to her beautiful pink peak, my tongue darting out and circling it before I took it in my mouth, sucking gently.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if this was wrong. Were we moving too fast? But the girl beneath me was quickly turning my mind to mush, and I sure as hell wasn't going to be the responsible one in this situation. Not this time.

I was certain the sounds escaping her mouth were going to make me cum right then and there. She gasped and wriggled beneath me, her hands desperately clawing the skin of my back, then up into my hair, and then back down my back. I kneaded her other breast with my free hand, gently pinching the nipple as I sucked harder on the one in my mouth.

"_Oh fuck_," she groaned, the desperation in her voice nearly undoing me.

My hand slid down the slim curve of her side as my mouth released her nipple, grazing across the soft skin of her chest before taking her other hardened peak in my mouth. She arched against me, her hips grinding frantically against me. My hand brushed across her hipbone as her body rocked beneath me, my fingers tracing the band of her shorts, waiting for her permission.

"Edward – we can't," she gasped breathlessly.

My lips left her skin for the slightest of moments. "I know." She was right. I knew she was right. We couldn't – not yet. Not while everything was still so fucked up. "But can we…?" my voice trailed off, and I looked up, meeting her hooded brown eyes, burning with lust.

"_Yes_." Her head nodded frantically, her answer immediate. I groaned at the eagerness of her response, not wasting another second as my fingers dipped down below the waistband of her shorts.

And Oh. My. God.

_Shewassofuckingwet_.

"_Bella_," I rasped. "_Christ_, Bella." My fingers traced lightly down her soaked folds, her juices running down my fingers. She was fucking smooth and so goddamn hot and wet, and I realized she wanted this just as fucking badly as I did. I felt like I was going to goddamn explode at any second.

My lips moved back up her neck and I slid up her body, our bare chests pressed together as we panted in unison. I kissed her mouth hungrily and hard as I ran my fingers once more down her folds. My tongue darted out, circling her lips and the moment she allowed me access I plunged two fingers deep inside of her at the same moment my tongue slipped into her mouth.

She cried out, her hips bucking against my hand, and slowly I curled my fingers upward, stroking her g-spot. She trembled, her movements spastic, her eyes closed, a heated glow glistening on her forehead. I began kissing her again, the movements of my mouth mimicking the pressure and speed of my hand. It wasn't long before her walls tightened around my fingers, and I moved at a frantic pace as she cried out my name, her body shaking as she came undone in my arms. I kissed her hard as she came down, unsure how long I could fucking hold myself back.

"Oh God. Oh God. Oh God." Her lips moved, matching the speed of her breaths as she wound her fingers tightly in my hair. I felt so many fucking things at once while I watched her, knowing that this moment was the most beautiful fucking thing I'd seen in my entire life.

"Holy fucking Christ, Edward. Oh _God_."

A smile curled on my lips as I watched her, and slowly her eyes blinked open and met mine. She looked at me, almost apologetic for a moment, before lifting her head slightly and pulling me back down into a kiss.

Her hands untangled themselves from my hair and reached blindly for the waistband of my pants. I lifted myself up slightly, and she ripped them down as far as she could. I wriggled them down my legs, kicking them off into a pile beside the couch. I settled back down on her, my cock straining against the fabric of my boxers, the hardest erection of my life pressing against her stomach.

I closed my eyes and my forehead fell against her collarbone as I paused for a moment, reminding myself of all the reasons why I couldn't just plunge into her like I was dying to do. But God, it was so hard. If I wanted this to work – and I did, so fucking badly – then I could wait. I would have to.

Her hands moved hungrily as she pushed a hand down the waistband of my boxers, finally freeing my throbbing dick. I fucking groaned loudly, burying my head in her neck as her hand wrapped around my cock. She bit her lip, a sultry smile on her face, and slowly she began stroking the length of me. I instantly felt my own orgasm build as I looked down, watching her hand make its smooth movements up and down. Her thumb ran over the tip, swirling my pre-cum around the head and then stroking swiftly down the shaft.

"_Bella_," I moaned, my hand travelling down her body back to her pussy, finding it just as fucking hot and wet as I'd left it. I began applying the lightest pressure to her clit as her hand sped its movements on my cock, and we both groaned together.

"E-Edward…" her voice trembled. "I want you," she moaned. "I want you so fucking bad."

My will almost dissolved completely, right then and there. I almost fucking gave in, ripped off those tiny shorts and ploughed right into her slick folds. I wanted to feel her around me, wanted to thrust in and out of her, make her scream my name, feel her clench around me as she came and then pulled me under with her.

Why did sex have to complicate everything? Couldn't sex just be fucking sex, without consequences and strings attached? Was it really that much different from what we were doing here already? Then I realized that it really didn't fucking matter anyway, because if I did fuck her, at this rate I probably wouldn't last longer than about five seconds.

And that would be just fucking embarrassing for our first time in five years.

So instead, I held back my orgasm as I brought her to the edge once more. As her breathing became labored, her hand moved faster and faster up and down my cock. I pressed against her g-spot, my thumb stroked her clit, and as soon as I felt her walls clench around my fingers for a second time, my balls tightened, and I knew I couldn't hold back anymore.

I slew of indecipherable words escaped my lips, the intensity of both our orgasms hitting us simultaneously rocked my body, and I felt like I was cumming for two people. It was so fucking overwhelming, I wondered if I was going to pass out. I released onto the soft skin of her stomach, my fingers mechanically pumping in and out of her, her trembling hand milking me for all I had. I buried my head in her neck, my mouth sucking her skin as she arched against me, crying out my name. Never in my entire life had a woman given me such a fucking intense orgasm. I blinked, seeing nothing but white before me.

As our orgasms slowly subsided and I finally had the ability to move again, I pulled back, gazing into her eyes. She looked at me, her lips parted as she let out a soft breath of disbelief. I lifted up the corner of my mouth, and slowly she smiled back.

This. This was my second favorite part about what had just happened.

I'd discovered that there was always the smallest window after such an intense sexual experience, when two lovers looked at one another, eyes wide, chests heaving. And they could look at each other and see the innocence, see the person at their most vulnerable moment. And this was that moment – no walls, no lies, no secrets… no words, no regrets.

It was just us; two bare souls brave and weak, connected more in this moment than any other. It was the moment that reminded you how much you depended on that person; needed them. And how easily you forgot.

My arm snaked under her, rolling us over so she was on top. She exhaled, resting her cheek on my chest as our breathing began slowing back to a normal pace. I groaned softly, running my fingers through her hair, then down her naked spine. She shivered. I kissed the top of her head, wrapping her in my arms, nearly forgetting we were both covered in my cum. I just wanted to fucking hang onto this moment and never, ever forget a single thing about it.

There were no words – not a single thing I could say would make this moment any more perfect.

When her breathing was soft and even against my skin, I finally stirred, not wanting her to sleep until we washed ourselves up. She slowly lifted her head, blinking at me.

"We should go clean up," I said softly.

She nodded, brushing her hair over her shoulder as she hesitantly lifted herself off me. She paused for a moment, kissing me softly once more before getting to her feet and padding lightly into the bathroom. I watched her perfect form disappear, collapsing back into the cushions behind me.

I knew I wasn't dreaming, because not even my dreams were this perfect.

Today, the game had changed more than I ever thought possible.

I had to wonder what kind of excitement the aftermath of all this would bring.

**x.x.x**

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks so much for reading! I love you all so gosh-darn much.

Oh. And thanks to Justin Timberlake (*swoon*) for singing Hallelujah tonight at the Hope for Haiti telethon. Kristina and I both agreed it was a sign. Fucking. Amazing.

Can you see the Northern Lights from where ever you are in this world? Because I can :)**  
**


	15. Breakeven

_Chapter 15: Breakeven_

**I absolutely adore kapers_in_pink and owe her the biggest thank you for doing such a kick ass job beta-ing, and putting up with my whining, and... well, just being freaking awesome. Any mistakes found in this chapter are _completely _on me b/c I went in and added & changed shit after kapers added her fabulous touch (le gasp!). **

**Anyway, I'll shut up. Love you all. Enjoy :)  
**

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**Baby when it's love, if it's not rough it isn't fun.**

_**Poker Face – Lady Gaga**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella**.

I woke with a smile on my face.

It was quiet. It was peaceful. The only sound around me was the faint chirping of the birds welcoming the day from the large spruce trees outside the bay window of the bedroom and the soft, even breaths of the man next to me. Warm, golden sunlight filtered through the glowing beige curtains, casting spotty shadows on the duvet as the light stretched through the trees. A sliver of bright light slipped between the gap where the two long pieces of fabric met, casting a streak of gold across the sleeping man at my side. I didn't know what time it was, or how long I'd been sleeping, but for the first time in a long time I felt truly rested. It definitely had something to do with the body tangled in the sheets on the bed next to me.

My smile grew as I slid closer to him, my chest pressed against the bare skin of his back, and I focused on his calm, deep breathing. I cherished this moment; the serenity, the peace. Because today would be that day we all came clean. Today was the day for truth.

My fingertips danced rhythmically up and down the skin on his side. I trailed down a long, thin trail of raised flesh, a few shades darker than the tan skin of the rest of his torso. It was a scar; running from the bottom of his ribs to just under his arm and it was about the length of my hand. I propped myself up on my elbow and studied the wound as I lightly traced the line – my first thoughts were not focused on how this happened to him, but rather how had I had not noticed it. It was in a fairly inconspicuous area, easily covered by his arm, but still… he'd been without a shirt the entire day before, and I hadn't noticed. Unless, of course, he hadn't intended I see it.

And then I began to wonder what happened. It seemed too long, too misshapen to be a surgical incision. An accident, maybe? I knew a fair bit when it came to cuts and scars, and by the looks of things, this one had hurt. A lot.

"Car accident." My hand froze and I started in surprise when Edward's soft voice broke through the silence. _Car accident?_ But I was distracted as I shifted under the covers, his thick, gravelly morning voice doing strange things to my lady-parts.

I cleared my throat, trying to focus. "Um. Oh," I replied meekly, my voice full of unasked questions. My first reaction was to ask – are you okay? But he was here, lying here next to me, in once piece. Of course he was okay. Though the scar running down his side suggested he hadn't always been.

"So, what…" I began, but my voice trailed off as he rolled over.

He draped his arm around me, a lazy smile on his lips. Incidentally, the scar on his side was now pressed into the soft sheets of the bed, so I took this to mean the discussion was closed – for now.

"Morning," he said, his fingers reaching up and tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. I shifted again at the roughness of his voice. "How long have you been awake?"

"Not long," I told him.

He hummed, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. "How'd you sleep?"

"Like a baby." I smiled, and then added, "A very satisfied baby."

Edward chuckled, propping himself up on his elbow. "That's disturbing."

I laughed, running a finger down his bare skin, from his shoulder to his elbow. "How was your sleep?"

"Amazing. I haven't had a sleep that good in a very long time." Once again, I sensed there was more to his words than he was letting on. He ducked his head and kissed my bare shoulder. "What time is it?"

"Uh…" I lifted my head, glancing at the alarm clock positioned on the nightstand over his right shoulder. "Ten o'clock." I collapsed back on the pillow.

"Ten? Really? I'm surprised Alice hasn't come barging in here yet."

"Yeah. Um… how are we going to explain that one?"

Edward shrugged, his eyes downcast as he ran his finger down my arm, still placing light kisses along my collarbone. "I'll talk to her," he murmured.

I shivered and raised an eyebrow, forcing myself to concentrate. "Just like that?" From the deal he'd been making of it before, something about his nonchalance just seemed _off. _"That's a little anti-climatic, don't you think? Isn't she supposed to hate me?"

"Naw, there will be drama. But she won't hate you if she knows I'm happy," he said simply, tilting his chin up and lifting one corner of his mouth as he watched me with a knowing glint in his gaze.

I rolled my eyes, knowing where he was going with this. "Edward, you know Jasper's not going to be so easy to convince."

I saw the frustration flash in his eyes before he quickly masked it. "Well, it's none of his business. He should be happy that you're happy. We're all making sacrifices for this."

"Oh, and what sacrifice are you making?"

"Letting _him_ date my cousin."

"How noble of you."

Edward blew out a breath, and I felt bad for starting our morning– our _first _morning – off like this. "Come on, Bella. You're twenty-two years old – Jasper doesn't get to call all the shots for you anymore. And Alice… well, it's not going to be easy for her, either. She's seen the dark places I've been… she saw me at my worst..." His eyes clouded over, and he quickly shook himself, meeting my gaze. "But it's not your fault." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anything.

I shook my head slowly. He ran his fingers through my hair, then cupped my cheek in his hand. "I'm going to do everything within my power to make this work, Bella," he said, his voice sincere. "And I… I want to know that you will, too."

I sighed in defeat. "I will, Edward. But… he'll want to knock you out."

Edward chuckled softly. "Let him try."

"No, seriously," I said, unable to help the smile on my face. "Those were his conditions – you touch me or you hurt me, he gets to knock you out and we leave."

A mischievous smirk curled on Edward's lips. "Bella, I won't hurt you. I can promise you that. However, that first condition?" he cocked an eyebrow, his lips brushing mine. "That I can never agree to." He let out a playful growl as he rolled me over so I was on top of him, and I giggled as he began kissing my neck. I hoped Jasper was lenient about his first condition, because I really, really liked it when Edward was touching me.

**x.x.x**

"Jake, stop fucking laughing," I growled. I aimed my fork across the island at Jake as he buried his head in his arms, his body shaking with silent laughter. The fork was poised like a dart between my fingertips and I cocked it back, ready to let it fly at a moments notice.

"Sorry," he choked out, though he didn't sound sorry at all.

My gaze darted to Edward, who stood at the stove, facing us as he flipped pancakes on a frying pan. He had his eyes narrowed at Jake but the half-smile on his lips made it appear that he looked like he couldn't decide if he was annoyed or amused.

I was annoyed. Thoroughly annoyed. Jake had been sitting in the kitchen when Edward and I had snuck hand-in-hand into the cabin to make breakfast and face the drama the day held for us. He'd taken one look at the two of us, burst out laughing, and now refused to shut his fucking gob. I was getting dangerously close to stabbing him with my fork if he didn't shut it soon.

"Jake, man, Bella's gonna take your eye if you don't shut the fuck up."

Jake shoved a mouthful of cereal into his mouth to stifle his laughter, a line of milk dribbling down his chin. He shook his head, his eyes trained on the bowl before him. I could tell he didn't trust himself to speak. That was best.

I felt Edward's hand cover my own and he wordlessly pulled the fork from my fingertips and set it gently on the counter next to my plate. He smirked at me and I grumbled in defeat as I rolled my eyes. Okay, maybe it wasn't all that brilliant of an idea for me to be armed while that irritated, but I probably would have missed Jake anyway. Probably. But now we'd never know...

"What's his deal?" I asked.

Edward cocked his head to the side as he rubbed his jaw with the back of his fingers and shrugged absently. He was staring at Jake with the strangest expression. I looked down self-consciously at the daisy-dukes and tugged on the hem of the white tank top I was donning. I was beginning to feel like I was missing out on something – I mean, I had made sure all evidence of last nights escapades were washed off me in the quick shower I'd taken this morning, so I didn't understand what Jake's problem was. Unless the mere thought of Edward and I together brought him to hysterics… that, or he'd smoked some crazy shit this morning and was having some fucked-up trip.

"Jake, have you been talking to Rose lately?" Edward asked thoughtfully.

I furrowed my brow, not understanding what the hell Rose had to do with any of this. I watched Jake curiously as he nodded, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His shoulders began to shake as he broke out into another fit of laughter.

Edward rolled his eyes and faced me, flipping a pancake off the griddle and onto a plate. He slid it across the island as I waited impatiently for an explanation.

"He knows," Edward said simply as he passed me the syrup.

I narrowed my eyes as I doused the fresh pancake with syrup. "Knows what_?" _

Edward shook his head, looking slightly confused himself. "Rose figured it out, somehow. A while ago." He waved around the spatula as if it would conjure up a decent explanation for me. "You know, about _us_."

_Ahhhh… _My eyes widened. "Wait a second – _Rose_ knows? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not a big deal, Bella."

"Yeah, but… you're always keeping shit from me, Cullen." I bunched up the paper napkin sitting next to my plate and tossed it at him. It hit him square in the chest and fell to the counter, and he just kind of blinked back at me in shock. My annoyance at Edward only made Jake laugh harder, and he finally got up from his seat, taking his cereal bowl with him out onto the patio. I heard him let out one loud guffaw before he closed the sliding glass door behind him.

"_Bella_." Edward let out an exasperated sigh, dropping the napkin into the garbage under this sink. He ran his hand through his hair, and I could tell I'd hit the nail right on the head. I didn't understand his need to keep these little bits of information to himself. I stabbed my fork into the pancake as I shook my head. Jasper's over-protectiveness was overwhelming as it is – I didn't think I could handle two crazy men in my life. I was sick and tired of being treated like a child.

"I'm not fighting with you over this," Edward said quietly as he leaned across the island.

"I'm not fighting," I grumbled.

"I didn't think it was a big deal," he said earnestly, his apologetic eyes meeting mine. God I hated when he looked at me like that – the man could talk his way out being held hostage with that look.

"I'm sorry. I said that I'd tell you everything when we get back to Forks, and I _promise_ I will." He leaned forward, his eyes so intense I had to fight the urge to look away. "I want to do this the right way, Bella."

Finally, I sighed and I nodded, feeling foolish for being such a freak show. "Okay. I'm sorry." I had no reason to believe he would back out on his promise – but I was impatient and curious and sick of everyone tiptoeing around the truth. I just wanted to get all this shit out of the way – Alice, Jasper, Edward's story – and just _be _with him. I was beginning to feel like there was so much shit between us right now I could hardly even see him. I wanted to climb over that mountain of crap and drag him back to the guesthouse so we could exist in the bubble we'd somehow managed to create last night.

Maybe it really had all been a dream.

A moment later, loud, heavy footsteps announced Emmett's presence, and I glanced up to see him thumping downstairs. He was whistling _Folsom Prison Blues_ and heaving down two large brown boxes overflowing with decorations_. _I choked on my laughter as I cut another piece of my pancake and popped it in my mouth – Edward had warned me Alice would be in full decorating mode, and apparently she had already gotten to Emmett this morning.

When he spotted Edward and I, he paused, a wide grin stretching across his face. "Hey, fuckers. So you break the news to Alice yet?"

I threw down my fork. "What the _hell?_"

"You know, I never pegged Rose as such a fucking gossip," Edward muttered, turning off the stove and sliding onto the bar stool next to me with a plate of pancakes.

"Oh, it wasn't Rose," Emmett said as he set the boxes down on the island and leaned nonchalantly against the counter. "It was Jake."

"Fucking Jake." Edward and I growled at the same time.

"It's an interesting turn of events." Emmett's gaze was serious, though he had a grin on his face. "So, Cullen, you're the one who broke her heart, huh?"

Edward sighed. "Yep."

"And I take it you drew that pretty bird picture too, huh?"

Edward nodded slowly as he shoved his breakfast in his mouth.

Emmett opened his mouth, looking as if he had a lot to say, then sighed and quietly said, "Just don't hurt her again."

"I won't," Edward said, his eyes on me.

I swallowed and looked down. "Emmett-"

"I saw the look in your eye when you talked about him, Bella. Now, I like you Cullen, but-"

"_Emmett_," I said a little more firmly. "Seriously. We have enough people threatening us as it is. Just please, don't."

"All right, all right." Emmett held up his hands. "Well, Alice will be down here right away. And judging by the way Jake was talking… well, you should probably get to her before he fucking blabs."

"Yeah," Edward nodded, and I looked over to see he was swallowing the last bite of his pancakes. I raised my eyebrows, impressed by his ability to hoover down his breakfast. Somebody was in a hurry.

Edward set down his fork and got to his feet. "I'm actually gonna go find her. Better get this over with."

"You don't want me to come?" I offered. I felt like it was something I should do, but deep down prayed that he would refuse.

"No, it's all right. You can help Emmett or something if you want, I won't be long. I have to run to the store later and pick up some smokes and shit. You wanna come?"

I nodded. "Yeah. My pack, uh, got a little crushed last night."

Emmett let out a loud snort of laughter as Edward leaned in to kiss me. He shot Emmett a look of annoyance before his lips met mine.

"Good luck," I said meekly.

Edward's smile grew, his confidence unwavering. "It's going to be fine, Bella."

I nodded. God, I hoped so.

**x.x.x**

**Edward. **

I took the stairs two at a time. From somewhere behind me I heard Bella yell Emmett's name, followed by some thumping around downstairs. I laughed to myself as I rounded the corner and found myself in the hallway that led to Alice's room.

"Emmett! Those are _my _pancakes!" I heard her cry, and then there was more shuffling around and laughter from downstairs. The smile on my face only grew.

I was making the right decision. I _knew _I was making the right decision and hell, it felt fucking _good. _Whatever Alice's reaction happened to be, I'd deal with it.

"Alice," I sang as I paused outside her door, rapping my knuckles lightly on the doorframe. "You in there?"

"I'm just in the office, Edward," she called from further down the hallway.

"'Kay." I slipped into my bedroom first to grab her birthday present from my bag. Yeah, I was going to butter her up with a present before I broke the news to her. Sue me.

I glanced at my untouched bed as I strode back out into the hallway, grinning at the memories from the night before dancing around in my head. I wanted to skip this part of the day – the setting up and getting ready and finally coming clean – and fast forward to tonight. I couldn't wait to be out on that dance floor with Bella in my arms. It would be like the prom we never really got to share – only better. Alice hired out bartenders for the night, and a guy who'd graduated from Forks High a year behind Alice and Rose was DJ-ing. Tyler-something; he was a pretty decent dude and had managed to break free of Forks after graduation, shipping off to Vancouver where he DJ'd in small bars and made a decent living of it from the sound of things. He always made the trip down south of the border for Alice's birthday – it was one of the only opportunities he got to catch up with his old high school buddies.

I rounded the corner and found Alice was sitting behind Carlisle's large L-shaped desk in his corner office. The room was brightened by natural light filtering through the floor-to-ceiling windows that stretched across two of the walls, offering a breathtaking view of the lake and surrounding forest. Alice's nose was buried in paperwork, and when I walked in she glanced up and grinned as she pushed her glasses up on her face.

"Don't tell me you're working today, Al," I said, plopping down on one of the brown leather chairs opposite the light oak desk. I tossed her present on top of the paperwork and her grin widened.

"I wanted to get this done before you head back to Seattle," she shrugged.

Seattle. Fuck. I'd tried not to think about the fact that I had to head back to the city for a few days next week to get caught up on some work I'd been neglecting. The trips back and forth between Forks and Seattle had never bothered me before – but I already found myself wondering if I would be able to weasel my way out of it. I was going to miss the hell out of Bella, even if it was for just a few shorts days. I let out a long sigh, wishing this weekend would last forever.

"What's this?" Alice asked coyly, reaching out and giving the wrapped box a light shake.

I rolled my eyes, grinning. "Open it."

Her fingers made quick work of yellow and white wrapping paper, and she lifted the top of the box, revealing the vintage, harlequin glass necklace and earring set I'd stumbled across at an antique shop on my last visit to Seattle. Her face lit up as she pulled it from the box.

"Edward, I _love _it."

"Uh-huh."

"It's perfect!"

"I know."

She laughed and tossed the top of the box at me. "Don't even try and tell me you picked this out yourself."

I chuckled, my fingers absently rubbing the scruff on my jaw. "I may have had a little help."

"Tanya?" she guessed.

I nodded in confirmation, my insides churning. Christ, had it only been a few short weeks ago that I'd been strolling down the Seattle streets with Tanya at my side? It felt like it had been an entirely different lifetime.

"Well, the bitch has good taste," Alice giggled and I rolled my eyes. Her thumb rubbed delicately over the smooth glass jewel that adorned the center of the necklace. Then she cleared her throat softly, "So… speaking of your love life…" Alice's gaze darted up and met mine, her eyes devious behind her thick white-rimmed glasses. "How do you feel about Bella?"

I settled back in my chair, crossing my arms over my chest. This was it. Time to practice honesty, for once. "I… I feel like I've known Bella a very long time," I said carefully. "But, Alice, that's actually what -"

"You guys have this weird chemistry, huh?" Alice interrupted. She removed her glasses and set them aside, leaning forward and gazing at me intently. "I mean, it's like, you're always having these silent conversations nobody around understands. And it's like you hate her from some reason… even though you don't even _know _her… but the look in your eyes when you see her. It's… _soft_. Different. I've never seen you look at another girl that way before."

"Alice -"

"Edward," she leaned forward in her seat, gazing at me intensely. "Bella's a great girl. A really, _really _great girl -"

The implications of her words hit me and instantly I narrowed my eyes. "And what? You think I'm going to fuck her up? Ruin her life? Maybe she's not just another girl to me, Alice."

Alice sighed. "That's not what I'm saying. It's just… I like her, Edward. And I love Jasper and I want them to stay. And if she gets hurt… I don't… I just don't think they will."

I laughed bitterly, because it was all just too fucking ironic. "Alice, _please_. I'm not going to be the one to drive them away. Bella means a lot to me, more than you know. It's the most I've felt for anybody in a long, long time. I'm not going to lose her again."

"_Again_?" Alice's eyebrows shot up.

"Yes. _Again." _Then I sat back, lifting one leg up so my ankle rested on the opposite knee. I folded my arms over my chest and remained silent, waiting for her to put the pieces together.

She didn't move. She just stared at me, her face expressionless. Minutes ticked by, and she still sat frozen. And then I began to panic. Because Alice… well, Alice never just _sat there. _But I waited. I waited for her to punch me, tell me how much of an idiot I was. To shake me, scream at me, ask me if I was crazy for getting back with the only girl I'd cried real tears over. I waited for her to throw Carlisle's glass paperweight across the table for falling for the girl who I'd cursed the existence of time and time again. I waited her to react… to do something. Anything.

Then, finally, she moved. She let out a soft breath and began tapping her bottom lip as she met my eyes. She opened her mouth, and then clamped it shut again.

I waited.

Just when I thought her silence was going to drive me insane, she cleared her throat and spoke. "So it's her," she breathed.

I nodded slowly.

"After everything you've been through, Edward?"

I continued nodding.

She stared at me a bit longer, sighed, then shrugged. "Okay."

"…Okay?"

"Yeah."

"What's 'okay', exactly?" I asked, because Alice didn't just drop shit like that. She was the kind of girl who kicked and screamed and drug out things like these until everybody's voice was hoarse from screaming. Everybody thought Rose was the one you didn't want to mess with. Unfortunately, I knew better. And right now, I felt like I was falling into some kind of Alice-trap.

Her eyes narrowed. "You lied to me."

"Alice -"

"Bella lied to me," she continued on as if I hadn't spoken.

I sighed and clamped my mouth shut.

"And Jasper lied to me."

"Alice we didn't _lie_. Just… didn't tell the whole truth."

Her forehead creased, her lips turned into a betrayed frown. "Okay."

"_Stop _saying that."

"Fine." Her lips were set in a straight line, and her eyes were missing their usual sparkle.

"If you had known from the very beginning, it would have changed _everything, _and you know it. You never would have worked with her, or become friends with her, or fallen for Jasper. I'm sorry for keeping it from you but you have to believe that all I ever wanted was for you to have a chance to experience what I knew was possible." I leaned forward in the chair, my elbows resting on my knees. I ducked my head, trying to gather my thoughts, then looked back up and met her eyes.

"Al, I've put you through hell. I wanted a chance to redeem myself – prove that I could make sacrifices for you just like what you've been doing for me that past three years. You're so _good, _and it made me feel better about myself knowing that I could be selfless; that I could be good too." I stared ahead not really seeing anything, so I was surprised when Alice knelt down in front of me and stuck her face in front of my line of vision. Her finger jabbed into my chest.

"Edward, you _lied _to me. Don't feed me your bullshit about how not telling the truth isn't technically lying, because that's shit and you know it. That's all you fucking do! You think you can keep this shit to yourself and you're not hurting anybody by doing it? You hurt me! And I don't give two fucking shits why, the point is, you _lied _after you promised me over and over that you _wouldn't." _Her hands shook as they gripped my legs. "I can't believe you." Her fist pounded down on my knee and I let her. "You _lied._" She shoved my shoulder. "And you _promised." _She shoved me again. "If you want to play this way, _fine_. Next time… next time you need someone to call, someone to talk to, to hold you and hold your hand and tell you the storm will fucking pass, don't come looking for me. All I ever asked from you was the truth, Edward. And you _lied."_

I'd be kidding myself if I said her words didn't hurt me. Alice knew me better than anyone, and she was completely right. About… _everything_. But I deep down was relieved that she was taking this out on me, and not Bella. I deserved this. I knew that now.

"You're not ready for this, Edward," she spat. Her head was bowed, her voice cracking. "You're not ready yet."

I narrowed my eyes. Who was she to tell me if I was or wasn't ready? I'd been waiting for this moment for five fucking years. "Alice she's here, _now_. It's what I want and I'm _not _missing our chance."

Alice's arms were shaking, but she took a deep breath. "So she's the one." It wasn't a question, yet still I felt the need to answer.

"Yes."

"Edward, after everything you've been through… you're _sure a_bout this?"

"She's _it _for me, Alice. I don't think you understand-"

"No, Edward. I _do _understand, and that's what scares me. I saw how fucking broken you were every time you talked about her or thought about her. I saw the pain you were in and it killed me to see you like that. I was strong for you Edward because I had to be, but you took me to those dark places with you and I feel like I've experienced everything that you have. But I know the past few years have been about more than just her. Losing Elizabeth -"

"_Alice_," I exhaled through my teeth.

"I'm just saying that I don't think either of you can afford to lose this time. Because Edward… the damage…"

"It's happening, Alice. Whether you like it or not. It's too late."

"I know," she growled. "And I'd smack you again if I thought it'd do any good."

I laughed softly. "Go ahead. I kind of deserve it."

She made a fist and shook it at me, but I was relieved to see the hint of a smile curling on her lips.

"I can't believe you lied to me, Edward."

"I'm really so sorry, Alice. I never meant to hurt you."

"You did, though." She shook her head sadly. "I guess… I probably should have seen it. I'm usually not this _unperceptive_."

"You're in love," I murmured softly. "It fucks with your vision."

She sighed in frustration, but she wasn't angry anymore. I knew the worst had passed.

"So, this is for real, then? You guys really going to try and get back together?"

I felt a smile curl on my lips, a lightness in my chest swelling. It felt _good _to have this secret out, to finally have someone to talk to it about. I was probably ridiculous and selfish for keeping it all in, but somehow I knew it was better Alice didn't know. With her and her meddling ways, we'd never be where we're at now.

"I don't know, to be honest. I think… I'd like to. Bella and I, we're complicated. We always have been. All I know is that she's got to be here for a reason, right? Up until yesterday, I never would have dreamed we might have a second shot at this. I've been so terrible to her… I mean, you know how fucked up I was over her."

Alice's face clouded over. As if she needed a reminder. "Yeah…"

"But it's different now, somehow. I feel like if I don't give this a shot, I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. Yesterday we both just kind of realized that it's stupid of us to pass this chance up; the only chance we may ever have to both be happy again. And I don't care what anybody thinks. Not even Jasper. And I'm going to warn you, Al, he's not going to be happy about this."

"You don't think he'll be happy that Bella's happy?"

I laughed bitterly. "I keep hoping that's the case… But you have _no _idea how much the guy despises me."

"He doesn't despise you. I think you're underestimating him, Edward. Everything that happened… that was a long time ago. You've all changed, gotten a little perspective. I'm sure he'll understand."

I sighed. "I hope you're right, Al."

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and I pulled her onto my lap. "Well. This was certainly an interesting birthday present."

"I know," I chuckled. "I didn't plan it this way… it was just time. I hated lying to you."

"Good."

"So you're not going to hate Bella?"

Alice laughed softly. "Maybe if she was a hate-able person. But obviously she's not. Just… um… you know I invited Tanya, right?"

I sighed, raking a hand through my hair. "Yeah, I know. She's been… very persistent the past few days. I haven't talked to her – I mean, the last time I was in Seattle, I made it pretty clear to her -"

"Edward."

I looked up, shaking myself from my thoughts. "What?"

"You're going to have to make it _very _clear to her. Tanya doesn't exactly do subtle."

I let out a long, frustrated breath. "I know. She's not coming tonight, though. She's got plans… or she's working or some shit… I don't know. She left me a message yesterday."

"You know Tanya will come around eventually, though. And you need to tell her before that happens."

I sighed. "I know. I will." Unfortunately, I knew that was going to be a lot harder than it sounded. Tanya was a tricky bitch, and unlike Bella, she was willing to play very, very dirty.

**x.x.x**

**Bella.**

I picked up a yellow balloon from the colorful pile that was dancing slowly around my feet and chucked it in Emmett's direction. Clyde barked from beside me, sitting back on his haunches with his tail wagging while he eagerly awaited the balloon's lazy descent.

I put my hands on my hips. "Emmett, you did _not_ bring a suit with you."

"Yeah, I did!" Emmett laughed, watching as the balloon floated slowly towards him. He made a fist and punched it and it went spinning through the air in the other direction. Clyde barked again and went chasing after it.

I just raised my eyebrows and stared at Emmett in disbelief.

"Don't look at me like that! I didn't know what the fuck I was going to have to do for money, so I threw one in my bag when I peaced the fuck out. Christ woman, I swear I did! It's what I wrapped my Xbox up in."

I just shook my head slowly, my jaw slack. "Sometimes I don't believe you're for real."

Emmett shrugged. "Sometimes I'm not. I mean, Alice had to get it all cleaned up for me, but it's here. And I look fucking sexy in a suit, Bella, believe me."

"Okay."

"I'm serious!"

"I'm agreeing with you!"

"No, you're humoring me. That's completely different."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. Just… help me move this couch. Where did you say Alice wanted it again?"

Emmett shrugged as he looked around the room that was now littered with colorful balloons. It kind of looked like Bozo The Clown had thrown up in here. Yeah, maybe Emmett and I had gone a little overboard, but you can't buy a bag of 500 party balloons and not expect someone to turn it into a contest. "Uhhh…. Let's just put it in the bedroom I'm crashing in for now. It's just down the hall. That way, if I can't convince Rose to stay in my bed tonight, maybe she'll at least sleep on the couch in there." Emmett winked, his grin widening.

"You've sure got big plans for you two, huh?"

"Hey, whatever happens, happens. She's the fucking complete opposite of any chick I've ever dated, so I don't know for sure what's gonna come of it. But I'm totes convinced she's going to fall in love with me."

I raised my eyebrows, kicking balloons out of my way as I stepped towards the couch. "Totes?"

"Totally," Emmett explained, grunting as he lifted one end of the couch. I made a similar noise as I picked up the other end and began shuffling backwards. "I mean, how could she not?" He winked again and I laughed, nearly dropping the heavy piece of furniture and squishing poor Clyde in the process.

"Fuck," I cursed. "Where the hell is Jake? Isn't this a big strong man's job?"

"Oh, quit your PMS-ing, Swan. We're almost there."

I rolled my eyes, continuing backward to the spare room. We squeezed the couch through the door and Emmett slid over the dresser so we could set it against the wall adjacent the bed. The room was huge, so it really wasn't too much trouble, though I wasn't convinced that Alice's mom would exactly appreciate our redecorating.

We moved the rest of the furniture around in the living room and I checked the clock constantly. It had been over an hour since Edward had gone upstairs to track down Alice. I hadn't heard any screaming yet, but he was taking an awfully long time.

"Help me untangle these lights, biotch," Emmett demanded as he plopped down on the floor and began pulling strings of lights out of one of the boxes. I laughed at Clyde, who was still in heaven chasing around all the slow-moving balloons as I took a seat beside Emmett.

"Aren't the Cullen's like fuckrich or something?" he muttered. "You think Alice could have hired someone to do this shit."

"Ah, but why would I do that when I have you, Emmett?" I turned to see Alice making her way downstairs, laughing at the two of us on the floor.

Emmett and I both watched her uneasily. But laughter was good. Laughter meant she didn't hate me. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Edward was right behind her, and he was watching me with sparkle in his eye. He glanced quickly at Alice and nodded slightly, and I relaxed, if only slightly, knowing that everything had been smoothed over on their end.

"Bella Swan," Alice said as she approached, her hand held out. "So you're my cousin's infamous ex-girlfriend, huh? It's nice to meet you."

I took her hand, eyeing her skeptically. "Uh… yeah. Hey, Al, sorry about-"

Alice held up her hands to stop me and folded herself up onto the floor next to Emmett and I. "_Please. _It's not you I was pissed at." She turned her head and narrowed her eyes playfully at Edward, who shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged. I grinned at him, trying to ignore that crazy thumping in my chest. One down, one to go…

"What are you doing?" Edward asked, his head cocked to the side.

"Oh, you know," I waved my hand around in the air. "Slaving away. Alice, we kind of hid the furniture, so good luck finding it all again."

Before Alice had a chance to reply, Edward swept me off the ground and tossed me over his shoulder. I let out an embarrassing shriek in surprise. "What the hell are you doing?"

"We're running to the store. Now come on, m'lady, your chariot awaits."

"Classy, Edward. That is only _the _most overused line in the history of the world," I said, playfully slapping his ass as he began heading towards the front door.

Edward chuckled and tightened his grip around my legs.

"I don't hate you, Bella!" Alice called from the living room as Edward and I rounded the corner. "But I won't forgive you if you don't buy me something for my birthday!"

I laughed. Hell, if one little threat was all I was getting from the whole debacle, I'd gladly take it. "You got it, Al."

**x.x.x**

About fifteen minutes later, Edward and I were strolling the aisles of a little community general store, which was very inspiringly named _General Store_. Edward had informed me the store, which looked like it had randomly been plopped down on a flat piece of land, was open only in the summer and catered to the campers, hikers and other seasonal tourists that were attracted to the area this time of year. It carried everything from groceries and saddles to fishing gear and firearms.

Edward was carrying me around piggyback, a plastic basket swinging from his arm and his flip-flops smacking loudly against the worn-out tile as we weaved through the aisles of the cramped store. I felt like I was fifteen again, the way we were giggling as he strolled up and down the aisles. Periodically I'd reach out and grab a random item off the shelf and toss it in the basket, contributing to the "birthday present" I was putting together for Alice.

"You know, it wouldn't be a terrible idea to put a little bit of thought into this, Bella."

"I am!" I objected, but was laughing too hard for him to take me seriously.

He held up my latest find. "Denture solution?"

"Ummm…" I giggled, burying my head in his shoulder.

"She's turning twenty-four, not ninety-four**."**

"Well, she'll appreciate it one day."

Edward groaned as he tossed it back in the basket and hiked me up farther on his back. I tried to hide my moan in response to the friction he created, but I had a feeling he heard it when he tensed and then blew out a soft breath.

"You better have a real present for her hidden up your nonexistent sleeve," he said, his voice more gravelly than before.

"Hey, come on. She's forcing me into a dress tonight, the least I can do is make her sweat a little. But yes, I _do h_ave a real present for her. It's back at the cabin."

Edward chuckled. "You're so weird." He picked up a tube of cherry-flavored kids toothpaste and dropped it in the basket. "To go with the denture solution," he explained.

I added a pair of neon orange shoelaces; the elastic spiral kind that you didn't have to tie. I was just amazed that they were still in production. That, or they'd been in this store since I was four-years-old.

When Edward and I finally had all of our loot picked out, I slipped off his back, picked us both out an ice cream sandwich and found a single, golden string of Mardi Gras beads to add to Alice's present. I nudged Edward as I sidled up next to him in line.

He looked down at me, a mischievous smirk on his lips, "Ice cream? You trying to tell me something, Swan?"

I beamed up at him, happy that he remembered but unsure why I thought he wouldn't. "Get your mind out of the gutter. Ice cream _can _just be ice-cream, Cullen."

He leaned in closer and hummed in my ear. "Not with you, Bells." He pressed his lips to my cheek then wrapped his arm around my shoulders. He pulled me against him, and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face if I wanted to.

We waited behind a wide, short balding man who had a toothpick hanging from his lip and a fishing pole in his hand. I poked at Edward and he kept pinching my side and we just kept looking at each other and grinning like we didn't give a fuck who was watching.

We ate our ice cream on the hood of his car in the parking lot after we'd paid, then lit up a cigarette because _apparently _Edward didn't let anyone smoke in the Volvo. Whatever. I rolled onto my side and shielded my face from the sun as I watched him blow a smoke ring and lean back on his elbows. He grinned lazily over at me.

"What?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm just… happy."

"Me too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He leaned over and kissed the top of my head.

It was strange, but I felt almost as if I was giving him a glimpse into my life – or what my life had become over the past five years. Carefree, laughing, impulsive… At least, for a few short hours we had nowhere to be, no one to please. We could lie on the roof of a car and eat ice cream. We could run through a field in Colorado, racing wild mustangs and practically getting trampled in the process. We could throw ourselves off the car roof with a child's umbrella we'd found deserted in a parking lot, swearing on our lives that the umbrella really was helping to slow the descent. We could jump off a bridge and yell out obscenities as we plummeted toward the frigid waters below. And we could park next to a fast-flowing river and strip off our socks and race across the sharp rocks to see who could make it to the other side faster, and scrape our knees and come out looking like drown-rats and fall down laughing no matter who was victorious.

I looked over at Edward, a giggled catching in my throat as I looked into his face and froze. The smile slipped from my lips, the thoughts knocking the air from my lungs. Because it wasn't daydreams with Edward I was seeing… it was my memories with Jasper. I felt a pang in my chest that I imagined was something similar to homesickness, yet this was my home, out here, doing whatever I pleased. We hadn't stopped yet – not officially, at least. So why, not even an hour since Edward and I had taken the first step in declaring our relationship or whatever this was,why was I feeling this nostalgia? And then I began to panic. It had been twenty-four hours since our first kiss and we'd spent one night together and already we were standing on the edge of a cliff with our hands laced together, declaring it was the two of us against the world? We'd failed once already. We'd not only failed – we'd crashed and burned so hard not even the black box had survived. Who's to say it wouldn't happen again? I looked over at him, seeing confidence and yummy fuck-me-nonchalance and sunglasses and I-don't-give-a-fuck-hair, but under it all there was secrets and lies and scars and oh my God…

Was I doing this already? Was I losing my shit _already? _

There was a girl in me, somewhere, who had once had a home and a family and a boyfriend and I tried to dig her out, channel her. Having roots was not a bad thing; mine just so happened to be spread across this vast country. It wouldn't be so bad to let them grow deep in one place for a while, would it?

"Hey, sweetheart. You okay?"

I looked down so Edward didn't have to see the terror in my eyes. I tried to think of this morning and how _right _it had felt to wake up in his arms, or last night when all I'd needed was him and I would have given anything to have it. And I didn't know if I was hormonal or crazy or scared or what, but I slid off the car without looking at him. "I'm fine," I mumbled, staring at my shoes. "I just remembered I forgot I'm lactose-intolerant."

"You're _what_?"

"Lactose-intolerant. You know, you can't digest-"

"I know what it means, Bella. Since when? And how could you… how could you just _forget_ that?"

Yeah, he wasn't fucking buying it. I kicked at the ground with the toe of my shoe. "I have a lot on my mind. Can you take me back to the cabin? I'm not feeling great."

When he didn't respond, I knew he still didn't believe me. But I heard the driver's door open, signaling that he'd take me back. I shuffled in the car, avoiding his gaze. And when he rolled down his window and lit a smoke, I just wanted to throw myself out of the vehicle.

One day was all it had taken for me to royally fuck up everything. And all along I thought it was Edward who was the monster.

But no – it was me. Bella Swan. Terrified runaway vagabond.

**x.x.x.**

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**So I admit - I failed epically at replying to reviews after last chapter. I've had a weird few weeks and school totally got the best of me. Still, I appreciate you guys so effing much, and I really hope it doesn't happen again. **

**I was asked last chapter if I play (I'm assuming guitar) and I do, but not well. My roommates are musicians and they put me to shame. I'm not all that musically inclined, but get a few Spiced and Coke's in me and I'm friggin' Stevie Nicks. I also can destroy on the drums when I play Rock Band.  
**

**What instrument(s) can you play?**

**Oh, and I'm gonna throw up the pic of Alice's present from Edward in my profile for whoever's interested.  
**


	16. Into the Night, part I

_Chapter 16: Into the Night, part I_

**This chapter bounces around a little bit time-wise – thought I'd warn you so you don't get too confused while reading.**

**And, as always, thank you to my badass beta :)**

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**Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz  
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends  
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.  
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget_  
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**_The Eagles - Hotel California_**

**x.x.x**

I don't know how it happened, but suddenly I was on the ground. My palms were muddy; I could feel thick dirt streaked across my forehead and clumped in my tangled hair. I was on my knees, and I pushed myself up off my elbows and I ran. I ran down the road, through the ditches, the meadow, the tall grass, the trees. The scenery was a blur as I shot past, faster than I ever thought I could move. Farther and farther… closer and closer. Sharp, dry branches snapped and scraped my skin as I pushed through the forest, my feet pushed against the spongy ground; a mixture of dead leaves, moss, and moist soil. Blood trickled down my arms and my face. My legs pumped hard, my muscles burned, my lungs were on fucking fire. But I was running far and fast from everything and despite the heaviness in my chest my feet were light, hardly touching ground as they took me away from that place. Away from them, their control, their demands, their incessant need to shape me into something I wasn't. Something I'd never be. And I could smell the smoke chasing me and feel the white-hot light of the fire burning somewhere behind me, destroying everything in its path. It chased me, blazing closer and closer, no matter how fast I moved or how far I went. Behind me, the forest was glowing an eerie orange, and the path ahead of me grew darker and darker with each step. I needed to fly. Away. Far away. Because if I stopped, for even just a moment, the fire that was chasing me would burn me alive. But soon, very soon it would catch me. And soon, we'd all go up in flames.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

"Bella."

A light was on and suddenly I was sitting and gasping, my chest heaving, my heart racing as I fought for a breath. I could feel the sweat on my forehead and in my hair, my trembling hands cupped my face, my fingers wiped away beads of moisture. My eyes darted around me, unfocused, seeing nothing but fuzzy shapes surrounding me. I opened my mouth to scream. We had to leave; we had to get out now. There'd been a fire. What had happened to the fire?

"Bella? Are you… okay?"

Something moved beneath me and I realized I was sitting on a blanket. On a bed. Alice's bed. My breathing began to calm, and slowly I looked up as I began to get my bearings straight. I blinked a few times, and began to register Edward's face before me, his brows drawn together in concern, his eyes wide with worry. He chewed his lip as he moved towards me, his motions cautious, like he was afraid of startling me or something.

"I'm okay," I wheezed, my hand on my chest, my heart still beating furiously beneath it. "What…?" I began, staring at him in confusion. I cleared my throat, my mouth dry from sleep. _What in the fucking hell had just happened to me? _

"You… fell asleep?" he offered, but his tone was questioning, as if he really had no clue himself.

I nodded as I swallowed hard. A dream. I'd been dreaming. Then I began to remember… the silent car ride home, the awkward dinner on the patio, Edward's questioning eyes as I left him standing in the kitchen when I came upstairs to lay down a while before I started getting ready for the party…

I looked up and met his gaze, and I felt the tears begin to pool in my eyes and I blinked and suddenly he was there next to me, his hand rubbing soothing circles on my back.

"Are you okay?" he asked finally, scanning my face apprehensively. He seemed nervous… or afraid.

I cleared my throat as I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand. I stared down at my lap, feeling ridiculously embarrassed. "Yeah. Uh… I just had a weird dream I guess."

"Oh." He sighed. "Okay." Again, with the nervousness.

When I looked back up, I saw it – the anguish in his eyes as he just stared at me, not knowing what to do or what to say. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep, shaky breath as my trembling fingers found his. And he just sat there, letting me hold his hand, letting me calm down.

I'd panicked back at the store.

I'd hardly uttered a word to him since we'd returned.

And he was still here, worried, comforting me.

And I realized how terrible of a person I was. I was scared as all hell, and for this first time in a long time, it was affecting somebody other than me and Jasper and our naive way of life and it made me feel like shit. I'd always been responsible for my own actions, but it had never affected anyone else before, and if it had, we just didn't care. It hadn't been like this, not in a long time. I stared at Edward as he stared at me and I felt like I was standing on the brink of something huge, careening over the edge, only I didn't know if I'd end up plummeting down to the dark abyss below or somehow achieving liftoff. But I had to choose. Because I couldn't put him through this – I couldn't put myself through this. Not again.

I opened my eyes, and we simply just stared at each other. I thought maybe I'd find my answer in his intense gaze, but instead of the clarity I was seeking, my panic only increased. I was afraid to speak, unsure of what to say. And he… he just looked so helpless. Defeated. But he didn't look surprised… he looked like maybe this was what he'd expected of me all along.

Deep down, I knew something was really wrong. I searched his familiar eyes, the same eyes I'd dreamt of for five years. But I had to wonder if I was so blind that I couldn't see how much he changed. I couldn't see anything but the man I wanted to see – the man I'd left behind in Florida.

And maybe I couldn't admit it to myself, but I knew how messed up he really was. Maybe not the full extent… but I got the picture. That scar on his ribs wasn't the only clue I had suggesting he'd been through some serious shit. Hell, he'd told me that'd he'd made some seriously destructive choices over the last five years, and I heard Jake's story about the girl he'd brought to the party last year. And although I couldn't let that sway my decision – I wanted it to be about the person he was now, not the person he'd been – it was still there, in the back of my mind. Because… how was I supposed to know that person was truly gone?

And it all scared the crap out of me. Because… I'd never had to deal with someone else's pain before. It was always mine, always me. Yeah, Jasper went through hell as a kid, but he never let me shoulder any of the burden, not even once. It was always my loss, my parent's death, my loneliness and bitterness and anger at the world. It was me who needed the hugs and me who needed someone to tell them that it's all gonna be all right. But Edward needed me. And I had to be there for him. Because I… I cared about him. Too damn much. More than I was willing to admit.

And maybe he hadn't been there for me when my parent's died, but he he'd tried. I could see that now. His mom bringing me clothes… it probably had something to do with him. In fact, it probably had _a lot_ to do with him. Elizabeth never would have been able to pick out the perfect flannel shirt and my favorite fit of Levi's like she had. Hell, she'd even managed to find a pack of my favorite pair of Costco socks, the grey ones that didn't leave black lint between my toes and didn't look obviously dirty when I ran around in the yard with no shoes on. She'd found the ones that didn't stretch halfway up my calves and weren't the short annoying ankle socks either. And I hadn't seen it before, maybe because I never really thought about it, but it had been Edward. All of it. He'd been trying to tell me the entire time but I'd been too wrapped up in my own damn pain to even notice.

Edward had tried, even when I'd pushed him away. Even when I was too damn oblivious to see it. And he came to the funeral, even though I couldn't stand to look at him. And he tried to talk to me, he tried pull me aside and just _hug_ me. It was all I needed and all he wanted and I'd pushed him away. Practically screamed for help and went running to Jasper's welcoming embrace.

_I pushed him away._ It's what I did. In five years, I'd only been able to hold onto three things: Jasper, my guitar, and a drawing that had become a tattoo. And for some reason, I was convinced it was all I needed. Only pieces of my past – never the whole thing.

I wondered if I really thought about it, if I could go back and pick out every single time I'd chosen Jasper over Edward. Probably not. Because it was probably too many to count. And yet Edward… Edward had stuck with me.

And I didn't deserve it.

But the question was – did I have to choose between them, one last time? Or could I have it all?

"I'm sorry," I breathed finally.

His fingers stilled. He was silent. Because he had no idea what I was apologizing for. Hell, _I_ didn't know what I was apologizing for.

For panicking?

…Or for finally letting him go?

**x.x.x**

I stood by the bar, nervous, playing with my hair and tugging on the hem of my dress. My heart was beating faster than usual, my blood pounding in my ears with anticipation. Everything around me was moving too fast, or too slow. I couldn't decide. But everything seemed off. My dress was too short, the music too loud, my heels too tall, my hair too... _styled_. It was all so wrong. I just needed him, I needed to see him because I needed to be convinced I wasn't completely losing it. I needed to see him to know I was doing the right thing. I downed another shot of whiskey with Emmett to try and calm myself, but the alcohol seemed to be having a slower effect than usual. Or else I was unusually anxious. Or both.

I could feel Emmett watching me, and I looked everywhere but at him. Because in the few weeks I'd known Emmett, I've come to realize he's not the dumb sack of bricks he wanted people to think he was. He was perceptive. And he was smart.

"One more?"

I nodded, my gaze fixed across the room, watching Alice as she wove through the crowd and mingled with her guests. She had a delicate, tall-necked glass in her hand filled with a bright pink liquid, which she held about her head as she danced through the crowds, smiling with bright red lips and a matching dress, waving to people as she passed. I couldn't help but smile to myself. It was so_ Alice. _

She had been so kind to me… far kinder than I deserved. She came upstairs after Edward left, and she'd rolled around on the floor laughing at my present for her. She'd laughed the entire time she re-laced an old pair of Nike's she pulled from her bag with the spiral laces I'd bought her. Then she curled my hair and pinned it up as I sat in front of the mirror in her bathroom and carefully applied my make-up. She hadn't even asked a single question about what had happened between Edward and I though I knew she was dying to. Hell she'd _made _the goddamn dress I'd been too busy bitching about to even appreciate.

And it was _her _birthday.

What was it with people being so unrelentingly generous around here? It was making me feel like a bigger and bigger bitch every second.

I looked around the room as I anxiously tapped my bitten-down fingernail on the smooth surface of the bar. Alice's party was unlike anything I'd ever seen. I felt like I was standing in the middle of the club, one of those classy club like they showed on all those teen dramas on TV, with the elegant dim lighting and the expensive-looking drinks in expensive-looking glasses. (I was sticking to whiskey, thank you very much.) The huge doors between the living room and backyard were rolled open so guests could stand out on the patio and smoke and drink and dance in the moonlight or just gaze at the nighttime reflections on the smooth lake water. And the interior of the cabin was hardly recognizable beneath all the lights and guests and decorations. It looked amazing.

I was startled when the bartender sat two empty shot glasses on the counter and filled them for us. Emmett picked them both up and handed me mine.

"Relax, Swan," he said, his voice low.

I threw back the shot, ignoring the way the whiskey burned my throat. I shook myself and slammed the empty glass back on the bar.

"I'm fine," I growled.

He just chuckled. "If you say so. Come on, let's dance. I need to warm up before Rose gets here."

I managed a half-smile as I slowly shook my head and allowed him to lead me out to the middle of the dance floor. Not a lot of people were dancing yet, though the night was still young.

Emmett took my hand in his and pulled me to him, his hand covering my entire lower back. I felt like a child standing this close to him. He dwarfed me.

"So, what's got you so on edge there sister?" he asked, lowering his face to my ear as we began to sway to the music. But he didn't wait for me to reply before asking, "Trouble in paradise? Already?"

"_No_," I replied sharply, faster than I intended.

He just laughed, pulling me closer.

"You know, Jasper said something kind of strange to me the other day."

"Did he?" I asked, pretending to be uninterested.

"Yeah. He didn't mean to, it just kind of slipped out."

"Oh?"

I could feel Emmett laugh, and I knew I wasn't doing a very good job of playing it off.

"He was working late the other night, and he was in a rush to get out of there. I asked him what the hurry was, because let's be honest, we both know I love bustin' that man's balls." Emmett glanced down at me with a mischievous smirk. I rolled my eyes, but watched him carefully.

"Anyway, he said that he needed to get back to the bar, something about you working and him not trusting a certain someone. I asked him what he meant by that, and he just kind of muttered something about 'not letting that sorry excuse for a human break your heart twice'."

"Uh-huh…" I didn't see where he was going with this. If he was trying to imply he'd figured out this whole mess before Jake had let it slip, well whoop-de-fucking-do. Congrats, Em. Gold star for you.

"So anyway, I'm thinking that a certain best friend of yours isn't exactly going to be ecstatic to hear the news, now is he?"

The uneasiness that had settled in my stomach increased tenfold and I drew in a sharp breath and looked away.

And that's why I needed to see him.

Because I _needed _to know I was making the right decision.

...Where the hell was he?

"It doesn't matter, Emmett."

Emmett shook his head, obviously understanding but not choosing to listen. "Look, Bella, you don't have to lie to me. And I know you are. It's what we _do_. Why else do you think we're all here, together? We've pushed people away our whole lives. That's why we bonded. So just… don't lie."

I rubbed my forehead, trying to sort though my jumbled thoughts. Then I reached down wrapped my hand around Emmett's arm, pulling him off the dance floor, into the shadows of the corner of the room. I didn't know how to explain it to him. I didn't even know what there was to explain. I hated that Edward and I always had to be defending our relationship or whatever it was. I wanted to just _be. _But hell, maybe it never would.

When I stopped I slouched back against the wall, my eyes raised to the ceiling. I could feel Emmett waiting expectantly. I let out a long breath and met his gaze.

"Emmett, you've never been in love. I wish I could give you a better explanation then that, but I _can't. _It's something you have to feel; something that _can't _be explained. I know you don't understand… but if I can't have him… I'll never love anyone. He's it for me, Emmett."

"Yeah but… _who's _it for you, Bella? Edward? Or Jasper? Because you can't have your cake and eat it too, sweetheart."

I started thinking out loud, knowing I wasn't really answering his question, but needing to get it off my chest all the same. "It's just… I wasn't looking at all this the right way before. I've been so blind, this entire time. But I get it now. And…" I broke off midsentence, my voice trailing off as something over Emmett's shoulder caught my attention.

Something tall and copper and disheveled and…

My breath froze in my chest. And then I smiled.

**x.x.x**

**Edward.**

_Earlier…_

I was pacing. Again.

This time it was the upstairs hallway. People were beginning to arrive, music and laughter drifted up from downstairs. Bella was still in Alice's room where they'd gotten ready together. Now Alice was running around, trying to capture Jake and Emmett's attention long enough to get them to go and change. Which meant Bella was in Alice's room. Alone. And although we'd talked earlier, and she'd explained her sudden, overwhelming panic at the situation, I was still nervous.

Because as we drove back to the cabin from the store, I was convinced she was a goner. I was sure that she'd realized how terrible of an idea all this was and that she was going to pack up her bags and disappear without a trace. Again.

But all she wanted was time. A few hours to talk herself out of the panic she was in. So I gave it to her. But now I was done waiting.

I didn't know how long I sat downstairs drinking with the guys while Al and Bella had their girl time. All that I knew was that it was torture – wondering what she was thinking, terrified she was going to leave. I didn't know her well enough anymore to be able to tell for sure. And even then… Bella was unpredictable. It was one of her greatest qualities, but sometimes it made me one nervous fucker. And as I sat on the patio with Jake and Emmett, Jake practically dangling a bag of coke in my fucking face, I'd made my decision – if she'd have me, I'd give it to her. Everything. All that I had. Because when I looked across the table at Jake and saw that glint of light in his eyes, the fabricated euphoria, I realized I couldn't be that person again. Not now, not ever.

It wouldn't be easy – it never had been. But I was so past that shit it wasn't even funny. I was ready to move one.

And now… now I had to see her.

So slowly, I raised my hand and I knocked.

There was a few seconds delay before I heard her call, "_Come in_," from the other side of the door.

And I smiled. Just her voice alone made my stomach do stupid flips that it didn't do for anyone else in the world.

I wiped my palms on my pants, than ran my fingers through my hair and twisted the knob, pushing the door open.

The room was dim, and I could still faintly smell something citrusy – hairspray, maybe? – diffusing through the air. It took me a second to find her, then I realized she was out on the patio, waving me over while she took a drag on her cigarette, the ember burning brightly in the fading light. Our eyes met across the room and she smiled and I grinned and I felt like a complete idiot as I blindly reached behind me to close the door, unable to remove my gaze from hers.

I made me way towards her, and when I finally unlocked my eyes from hers and looked at her, like really _looked _at her, I nearly froze in my tracks.

She looked absolutely fucking _gorgeous_.

Her hair was pinned up, revealing the intricate tattoo on the back of her neck. _My _tattoo. The odd curl fell down her neck and trailed against her shoulders, and I realized it was the first time I'd seen her with her hair up, and although I usually preferred hair long and down and flowing, but just god_daaaaamn_. Her eyes were smoky and dark, her dress was short and gold, her legs long and tan.

And my _God _this just proved how fucking much she'd grown up. She was a woman; a stunning, breathtaking, woman.

It was simply beyond words. And I was sure my mouth was probably hanging open as I gawked because I'd never seen a girl wear something like that and somehow still look that elegant and classy and downright _sexy_ all at the same time.

She was a fucking _goddess_.

And I was fucking _staring_.

She caught me looking and bit her lip, and looked down at the dress, embarrassed. "It's a little much, isn't it?"

I snapped out of my trance I somehow forced my gaze to meet hers. I let out a breath and opened my mouth to reply but nothing came out.

_Speak_, I commanded myself. _Don't stand here like a blubbering idiot, Cullen, use your fucking words. _

I shook my head furiously, and cleared my through. "_No_," I breathed, "No, you look… stunning, Bella. _Wow_." I let out another breath and looked up at her and smiled.

She smiled back, and I closed the distance between us, pulling her into my chest for a hug. She smelt like perfection: strawberries and vanilla and a little something else that made my knees weak and my heart thump obnoxiously against my ribcage.

"Thanks," she sighed against my chest. When she pulled away, she looked down at her dress again and shook her head. "It's been a long time since I've worn something this nice. But Alice can be a little… _forceful_." She laughed.

"You're telling me," I grinned. "She's been known to be a bit of a tyrant at times."

"It's… endearing."

I shook my head and laughed at her attempted diplomacy. "Not when you live with her."

"No, I suppose not," she agreed with a smile. Then she eyed my outfit with a frown. "Hey, how come you're not dressed up?"

"Alice is still trying to decide what I'm going to wear," I chuckled, rolling my eyes. "Like I said, tyrant."

"Is she ever going to stop long enough to actually e_njoy h_er birthday?"

"Eventually. Once she's satisfied that we all look perfect, I suppose."

She smiled and took one last drag of her cigarette, putting it out in the ashtray sitting on the railing. "This really is a beautiful place," she said, looking around her.

"Only the best for Aunt Esme," I agreed with a sigh. Small talk. I fucking hated small talk. Especially when I'd come up here to get answers. But I promised myself I wouldn't push her… promised myself I'd let her make that first move.

Bella raised her eyebrows. "Really? She didn't come off like that when I met her—"

"Oh no," I said quickly, realize how she must have interpreted my reply. "She's not like _that_, I just mean that… this is what she _does_: designing, building, renovating…" I motioned to the high, peaked ceilings with the tall picturesque windows framing all the wonderful greenery northern Washington had to offer. "She spent _years _working on this place. She has amazing taste, and that can come at a bit of a price, but this place… it's… it's _perfect." _I shrugged. There really was no other way to describe it.

Bella hummed and nodded in agreement. "It really is. But if she spent so long designing this place, why don't her and Carlisle _live h_ere? I mean, it's not that far from Forks."

"True. But, it wouldn't be their vacation home and they wouldn't appreciate it as much if they lived here everyday. It just wouldn't be the same."

"Like, how our night last night wouldn't have been so special if we'd spent every morning waking up in each other's arms?" Bella asked, smirking mischievously.

I stared at her, feeling the hope swell in my chest at her words. "So you…?" I let the question hang between us.

"This." She tapped the back of her neck with her pointer finger. "This is my answer. It's you, Edward. It's always been you. And I'm not going anywhere."

I smiled and it was like the weight I'd been carrying around all afternoon just jumped right off my shoulders. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd picked her up and was hugging her tight. "Are you scared?" I whispered into her neck.

"_Terrified_."

I sighed in relief as I set her down. "Thank god. Me too. I'm terrified… I'm terrified of doing this, of fucking it all up, of where this is all heading. I'm scared of you running, of you hating me…"

She opened up her mouth to protest but I cut her off, smiling and shaking my head. Because she really had no idea, and I didn't want to have that conversation tonight. Soon, but not tonight.

"You know that terrible cliché, the one about fear meaning you have something to lose?" I asked her. "Well, I think that's exactly what this is. I'm fucking terrified of losing you, Bella. But not so much that I could bear letting you go."

"I know and… I'm sorry for letting my fear get the best of me earlier," she said quietly. "I think I just realized exactly all that I'm going to be losing by giving up my old lifestyle. It's sad. I mean, I'm going to _miss _it. But not enough to make me want to leave you. And I just want to thank you for understanding, Edward. Really, it means so much to me."

I half-smiled as I leaned against the railing and gazed into her eyes. "I'm not going to lie, it scared the hell out of me, Bella. I really thought you were going to take off on me… Just please don't do that to me again."

"I won't." She stepped closer, her lips nearing mine. "I promise. I guess… I guess I thought that I'd lived on the run for so long, it's how it would always have to be. If you never give me a reason to leave… I'll be here. No matter what anybody says or does, I'll stay. I feel safe with you, Edward. And I think that if I talk to Jasper – if we do this the right way – it's all going to work out. I can have him and have you… I have to. Because I won't choose."

"I'd never make you."

"I know." She smiled, then kissed me. "So… too bad Jazz and Rose can't make it 'till later, huh?" I blinked at her in shock for a moment before I noticed the mischievous glint in her eyes.

I rolled my eyes. "It's just… heartbreaking." We looked at each other and laughed. Jasper had called Alice earlier to let us know he and Rose would be delayed a few hours, trouble at the shop or something. I felt a little bad for Alice, because I knew she was trying to act like she wasn't as disappointed as she really was – but in all honesty, I was relieved as hell. Bella and I could use the few hours grace to get our heads on straight before the big reveal. Because _that _was going to be a blast…

I kissed Bella back then pulled her in for another hug. "But I should go get ready," I sighed into her hair. "I'll see you downstairs, all right?"

She let out a long breath. "Okay," she said quietly.

"I'll see you soon," I promised. "Save me a dance, all right?" I winked.

She smiled. "All right."

But I was rooted to the spot. I literally had to force myself to move away from her, towards the door. I concentrated on every step that took me closer to the door, and every step left me feeling more and more empty. Like I was pulling myself away from a burning fire on a freezing night.

"Edward?"

I stopped and turned to face her. "Yeah?"

She had her arms wrapped around her middle, and she was watching me with a strange look on her face. I waited curiously for what she wanted.

"We can do this, right?"

"Absolutely," I promised. I wished I could say more to calm her fears about Jasper's reaction, but I didn't know what the fuck to expect myself. "I'll see you downstairs, okay?"

She nodded, her eyes not leaving mine as I backed out of the room. Away from the light, away from the warmth. By the time I'd shut the door behind me and collapsed against the wall in the hallway, I felt like a very large part of me was missing, like I'd left it behind in that room with her.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

I smiled.

I watched Edward from across the room. He was approaching the party, a confident grin playing on his lips as he ran a hand through his tousled hair, eyes scanning the scene before him, looking around as if he was enjoying his own private joke. Two guys I didn't recognize greeted him, one dark-haired man and a man with dirty-blonde hair secured back in a ponytail. They shook hands with Edward and man-hugged and laughed like old friends. My smile grew as I watched him, Emmett and the music and the rest of the part fading away into the background.

He was just so goddamn yummy cover of GQ _perfect_, from his simple, fitted black suit, black tie, white dress shirt, his spiky messy hair, eyes sparkling in the light. He was classic and elegant and perfect. His face was clean-shaven; a light tan flushed his cheeks, the perfect strong angles of his face even more defined in the low lighting. He had one hand on one of the guys shoulder, and he leaned in and laughed, the smiling lighting up his face. In his other hand he held a glass filled with ice and amber whiskey.

I watched as he grinned and his eyes swept the party again and I automatically stepped away from Emmett, out of the shadows, that force pulling me towards him. It was undeniable, so beyond my control. And I knew that there was absolutely no decision to be made anymore. This was how it was supposed to be. This giddiness, this lightness… there was no denying it. This was _right. _

The moment I stepped forward his eyes met mine and his face broke into the biggest grin that over took his entire face, and everything around us just slipped away. He nodded to his friends and sidestepped away from them. He began to make his way towards me, his eyes never leaving mine, his smile never fading.

When we met halfway, I beamed up at him, he grinned down at me.

"Hi," I said, breathless.

"Hey," he replied, bending down to kiss my cheek, his soft lips lingering on my skin as he inhaled. I smiled against him.

_Christ… He smelt so… good_.

I gathered myself, tugging playfully on his tie. "I've never quite seen a man pull off a suit like you, Mr. Cullen."

"Oooh, you have no idea," he growled, pulling away slowly. His green eyes sparkled as they met mine.

I grabbed both sides of his suit jacket, running my thumbs along the expensive fabric.

**"**I can't believe she didn't try to coordinate us."

"Oh believe me, she tried. I came out on top, for once. I think she let me win though."

"Let you win?"

"I think she's feeling sorry for me."

"Why?" I laughed.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "She's weird like that sometimes. I feel like she's apologizing for something she hasn't even done yet."

"That _is _weird."

He shrugged. "Alice is weird."

I just grinned, unable to remove my eyes from his. "This is quite the party."

"It is."

"Do you know all these people?" I looked around at all the unfamiliar faces. I had assumed I would know most of the people from working at the bar, but there were very few recognizable faces in the crowd.

"No," he admitted, taking a sip of his drink. He swallowed and shrugged. "Not really. A few of my buddies from college are here, like Andy and Derek, those guys I was talking to when I came down here. And I know some of Al's girlfriends from the city, but there are way too many fucking names for me to remember. Alice has a massive network of contacts, and apparently everybody showed up tonight."

I smiled. "So you're trying to tell me this room is like ninety-percent fashion designers?"

"More or less."

"Wow. I see why Alice was so insistent on dressing me up."

Edward shrugged. "It's her thing – and it's her birthday, so we let her have her fun." He lowered his voice, leaning in closer. "By the way, that dress is goddamn sexy as hell, Bella. It's like Alice was _planning_ on torturing me."

The grittiness of his words had me shivering, and I stared at his tie as my fingers toyed with the fabric. Oh how I wished we were at the point in our relationship where we could run upstairs for a quickie in his bedroom before the party was in full swing. I bit my lip as I seriously considered yanking on the tie between my fingers and dragging him into some unused bedroom. I really didn't want our first time back together to be some huge event anyway. This way… it'd take some of the pressure off our relationship. Or, that's what I tried to tell myself.

But I sighed, knowing we just weren't ready for it… not yet. I changed the subjected before I managed to talk myself into it. "So… you were saying something about college friends? I'd love to meet them."

Edward grinned as he pulled back, and a strange look crossed his face. "Sure, maybe later. Just… don't listen to everything they say. They're pretty immature and they can kind of be assholes. You know, college guys." He rolled his eyes and waved it off, as if that explained everything.

"_You_ were a college guy."

"And I was an immature asshole."

"But not anymore?"

"Not anymore. Now, let's dance, shall we?" His hand found the small of my back, and he guided me through the crowd to the dance floor, which had become immensely more packed since Emmett and I had been dancing only minutes ago.

I smiled up at him as he turned to me and wrapped his arms around my waist. The beginning notes of _I Won't Look Back _by Needtobreathe started playing over the speakers, and Edward swayed us gently back and forth to the beat. The beautiful piano melody swept around us, wrapping us closer together, my hands locked around his neck as I settled into his body.

"I love this song."

"You would," he murmured, his lips at my ear.

I shivered and smiled, melting into his arms. "It's just so perfect," I breathed.

I could feel his smile against my skin, and he kissed me softly. _"Sing it for me_."

"No way," I laughed, then looked at him and realized he was fucking serious. "Edward... that's fucking lame."

"So?" He gave me that stupid crooked-grin, his eyebrows raised, his bottom lip jutted out. "Sing. Who the hell cares?"

"I care," I muttered. His pout grew, and I rolled my eyes and sighed, hating how much of a pushover I was around him. I closed my eyes, letting the music sweep me away, feeling far more relaxed and happy than I had in a long time.

"_Love, love isn't always love, the way that we mean. Just like you are right now is all, all that I need," _I sang softly against his neck, just like I used to; shy and bashful but unable to deny him. We used to dance like this all night, soft and swaying, so caught up in each other, time dissolving around us.

"_Just like you are right now is all, all that I need_."

He sighed. "You have such a beautiful voice."

I looked down, a smile on my lips. "_Let's start over, don't be afraid, 'cause I won't keep track. Lets climb to the top if you won't look down, I won't look back." _I let the music carry me, sweeping me up, high and soft, slow and lovely.

Edward pulled me to him, lifting me off the floor as he spun us in the slowest, most beautiful of circles.

"_Love, love isn't always love, the kind you hold. I will here waiting if you, you can let go." _His voice mixed with mine, low and full and beautiful and soft.

"_Let's start over, don't be afraid, 'cause I won't keep track. Let's climb to the top, if you won't look down, I won't look back."_

Maybe we were complete cheesy idiots, dancing and singing quietly to each other. I knew I'd be making fun of myself if it all didn't feel so _right_. I hummed as I listened to him, wishing I could catch the moment, the sound and the feel, and lock it away. Because moments like this were classic and rare and too lovely to let go.

How long had it been since I'd danced with him? Too long. Far too long. I usually didn't admit it – Jasper always teased me that it went against my whole hippie flower-child vibe – but I was a fucking sucker for slow dances. And, depending on my alcohol intake, I was a sucker for dancing in general.

"I can't believe you know the words," I smiled.

My feet touched the ground but kept spinning us slowly.

"I was curious, that night after you sang their song at the bar. I listened to a couple of their songs after I tossed you into my bed; I wanted to know if they were as good as you made them sound."

"And how did I do?"

He smiled, his lips trailing softly down my neck, to my collarbone. I shivered again in delight. He looked up at me, his eyelashes long against his brow, his eyes intense and smiling.

"You know everything sounds like garbage in comparison to your voice." The song ended and switched to something faster, but he tightened his grip on me, burying his face in my neck.

"You're so beautiful, Isabella Marie Swan."

I blushed, running my fingers along the exposed skin at the back of his neck. "You're beautiful, Edward Anthony Cullen," I murmured.

He groaned, his lips brushing my collarbone. "Can't we just ditch?" he hummed gently. "Nobody will even miss us down here. We have a perfectly vacant guesthouse that's ours for the taking. Away from the music… the crowd… just you and me…" He pulled his face back, his bottom lip drawn out into a pout, his eyes boring into mine, as if he could force the words out of my mouth.

And all I could think about was taking that damn full bottom lip between my teeth. I considered it, all of it, sneaking away, spending the night in his arms again, waiting on the sunrise. It was tempting, oh so tempting…

"We can't," I whimpered. "It's Alice's _birthday_…"

"She'll have another one next year. We'll celebrate that one with her," he murmured, his lips back on my neck.

I let my head fall back slightly, my eyes falling shut, just simply loving the feel of those lips on my skin, his hot breath so close it was melting me into a puddle on the dance floor.

"But…"

I was having trouble coming up with a valid excuse.

In fact, I was having trouble thinking at all.

He pulled my body closer, so that nearly every inch of my body was covered by him. We were rocking to the beat of a completely different song. A heated blush crept up my neck, and I felt a soft moan escape my lips.

"Keep the sex for the _bedrooms _you fucking perverts."

We both tensed and snapped to attention when we heard Jake's loud, joking voice as he brushed past us with Jessica Stanley on his arm. I narrowed my eyes at him and he laughed loudly, shaking his head as he led her to the middle of the dance floor.

"You know, I've always wanted to kill that motherfucker," Edward growled.

I giggled.

"Serves us right, really." I bit my lip and pouted. "What are we gonna do when Jasper gets here?"

Edward chuckled and shook his head. "You can always just leave that to me."

"Edward," I frowned, hooking my finger under his chin and pulling it gently so he was looking at me. "All that I ask is that you be a little bit sensitive to the situation."

"Oh, like the way he was being sensitive to mine when he tossed my ass down your front porch?"

I raised an eyebrow.

"Come on, Bella, what do you think is gonna happen? You can't just hide this shit from him, because there is no way in hell I'm keeping my hands off you just because he's around."

I sighed and opened my mouth to reply, but he cut me off.

"And he's screwing my cousin and I haven't said shit about it, so he's just going to have to deal."

"It's not the _same _Edward."

He pulled back, narrowing his eyes at me. "I thought we've been through this already. Like, a thousand times."

I exhaled slowly. "Yeah… I know." I hated this feeling in my chest, this feeling of being torn, and I felt like that at any second Jasper was going to walk in here and see I'd completely blown the one thing he trusted me the most with.

"I wish you were a little more sure about this, you know."

"I am sure, Edward! It's just fucking _hard_, all right? Please, can we not talk about it right now? Let's got get a drink and dance or something, please?"

He nodded slowly, and led me off the dance floor, his body stiff. I growled with frustration. Ten minutes. Edward and me could have ten minutes of beautiful, complete bliss before one of us had to go and fucking blow it.

Maybe he was right. Maybe we should just ditch and save ourselves this drama.

"They're not going to be here for a while, anyway," Edward muttered as he gathered our drinks. I looked up from the spot I'd been staring at on the floor for the past few minutes as we stood in silence at the bar. He was watching me, a crease between his eyebrows, but his face was softer than his words. The disappointment flashed in his eyes, although I could tell he was tying to mask it.

I sighed. "I know. So let's just… relax. Have fun..." I tilted my head to the side, smiling lightly. "…Get drunk."

He smiled back, and this time it was less forced. "That's my girl." He handed me my drink, then draped his arm over my shoulder, a grin stretching across his face as he gazed down at me. "Although, I will warn you – don't get me too drunk, angel. I still plan on stealing you away to the guesthouse later."

I looked up at him, his cocky smirk and a playful glint in those emerald eyes, a beautiful mess of bronze hair. Sometimes I had a hard time wrapping my head around what I was looking at –he was just too fucking perfect to be for real.

"Then I will be sure to monitor your alcohol intake," I replied, only half teasing.

"You've always got my back, love."

"I just enjoy the view."

He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, is that how it is?"

"Edward Cullen, you have a perfect ass and you know it."

"You know, the Bella I remember would blush like crazy at the mention of my perfect ass," he chuckled.

"Well, I'm not the same girl, anymore. I'm more like… Bella Swan, 2.0."

He cupped my behind in his hand, grabbing it playfully. "Well I, for one, appreciate the upgrades."

"I never doubted it for a second."

We both laughed, and he pulled me close to his side, wrapping his arm tightly around me. A few drinks, a couple shots, and many songs later, Edward and I were in the middle of the dance floor – his tie already loosened, suspenders swinging around his legs, his suit jacket left in a pile on the kitchen counter. He had his hands on my hips, that hungry look in his eye as we grinded to some dance song, the pounding bass rocking our movements. His eyes were locked on mine, and he licked his lips as he leaned in close, his lips brushing my ear.

"_Daaaamn_, Swan. You can really move. When did you learn how to dance?"

I pulled away as I grinned coyly up at him, brushing a stray hair off my forehead. "Hey, I lived on the road… and it sometimes paid the bills. You gotta do what you gotta do."

He looked at me blankly, and I waited from him to catch on. "You – _ooooh_, Bella, please tell me you're kidding."

I laughed, leaning into him and kissing his neck. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

He was still laughing when he grabbed me and pulled me into his chest, just holding me tight. And just like that our dancing slowed and we stood in the middle of the room, just completely wrapped up in each other. Every fiber of my being was entangled with him. I was breathing him in, he was the fucking air in my lungs, the oxygen keeping me alive. His touch burned my skin, sending waves of pleasure rolling through my body. I closed my eyes and melted. I'd never felt more charged, so alive, yet so at peace.

I felt like… like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

His hands were wrapped around my waist, his fingers intertwined as he held me to him. I rested my cheek against his chest, sighing deeply.

Maybe it was just me, but the world had never felt so right.

I wanted to just kick myself for second-guess all this. Because this... this was perfect.

After a moment, his fingers unlocked, and I felt one hand move up, his finger gently pulling up my chin. He moved back slightly, meeting my gaze with hooded eyes. I felt him exhale against my skin and I shivered, increasing my grip on him.

My eyes fell closed as I felt him move towards me, slowly, hesitantly. I stood still, holding myself back as his lips moved closer. He let out a shaky breath. The finger that was hooked under my chin trembled against my skin as he slowly ran his finger up my cheek. His hand cupped my face as he moved closer still.

I knew we were about to reach a point. A point where it stopped becoming about revenge and resentment and anger, and turned into something else; something passionate and fucking _real_.

But I couldn't fucking stop. Because maybe I'd crossed that point a long time ago. So I remained still and waited.

His lips finally brushed mine, and I pushed against him, welcoming him. He let out a strangled gasp against my lips, his other hand coming up and cupping my opposite cheek.

I gasped, breaking this kiss slightly. It was all too much -- the music, the atmosphere, the strange, new emotions pumping through my body. We both slowed the kiss until we were completely still, our lips still touching, trembling against each other. I kept my eyes closed, unable to stop myself from thinking: _this is it. _

And this was it. This was the point of no return. Because this was no ordinary kiss. This was passion and this was softness, and this was fucking love. This kiss… it was five years…

Five fucking_ years_ in the making.

He exhaled again, perfectly still, yet his entire body trembling against mine. I think I was the first one who began moving again. I pressed our lips harder together, and he began moving against mine, as if that were the signal to let go, to begin, that all of this was okay… and more than okay, it was perfect. It was exactly what I wanted.

I felt my heart clenching and releasing, but not in a painful way. I felt like I was filled, overflowing with emotion. I knew what I was feeling, but I tried not to think it.

"I..." his lips trembled against mine, his voice dying off. And there was this pull in my chest, and I felt like I knew exactly what he was trying to say. Because I felt it too.

But I also knew how impossible those words could be to say out loud.

So instead, I wrapped one hand around his tie and pull his face to mine, and I fucking poured everything I wanted to say, everything I was feeling into that kiss.

And I swear he was doing that same thing as he kissed me back, my face still cupped gently between his hands, his lips soft against mine.

And I don't know if it was the party, the alcohol, or maybe the buzz of the crowd around us, but the kisses soon became heated and our hands began to wander, desperate sounds began to escape our lips that had me trembling, and our bodies as close as they could get standing on a dance floor fully clothed. My head rolled back as his hand slid slowly up the back of my leg, his fingers grasping the exposed skin, or bodies rocking to the beat of the music. I whimpered as I wound my hands in his hair and kissed him harder. Occasionally our bodies would bump with those around us, but we hardly missed a beat, ignoring everything around us as we continued our heated make-out session.

But it was a sharp hiss from Emmett and then a elbow in the ribs that finally sliced through my hazy Edward-induced inebriation.

"_Uuugh_." I growled, pissed that someone dare interrupt our _moment. _I turned my head in the direction the elbow came from, my lips hardly leaving Edward's. "Fuck _off_, Emmett."

Emmett didn't reply, and I felt Edward suddenly tense against me. I opened my eyes and looked around in confusion, turning slowly as I looked where their gaze was fixed somewhere behind me.

My stomach dropped at the exact instant Edward took a hasty step away from me.

I blinked.

_Jasper_.

_Shit fuck._

Well, why tell Jasper when we could just show him?

I stared right at him and he stared back at me. His face was blank for a moment as he stood frozen, his eyes bouncing back and forth between Edward and I. Then slowly his eyes narrowed into a glare that made me flinch backwards.

Alice was at his side, her mouth hanging open in what I could only assume was shock at the intensity of his reaction.

He moved as if to step forward and I help up my hand, trying to stop him. "Jasper-" My voice was breathless, my limbs shaking.

"_Bella_." My name sounded like a stranger's name on his lips. His voice was lower and more menacing than I'd ever heard it, and suddenly I was afraid. I was goddamn piss-my-pants _terrified_. Because Jasper had never used that tone with me. Jasper never used that tone with anybody.

I saw the flash of hurt, of disappointment in his eye. He glared, his jaw set in a straight line. Slowly, he shook his head as he turned away and disappeared into the crowd.

**x.x.x**

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**Trust me, I probably hate cliffies just as much as you do. I really didn't plan on leaving it there, but it just made sense... Part II of the party, including the Bella/Jasper/Edward confrontation *should* be up within a week. The lack of "action" in this chapter will be made up for in the next, I promise. **

**Also, for those of you who read the teaser I posted on lj, you probably noticed it didn't make the cut. It'll be in the next chapter. For those interested in searching for clues as to how it all turns out, you can wander over to my lj – a link is in my profile :) **

**Thank you guys so much for your reviews, favorites/alerts, pms, tweets, recs, everything… you're so fucking awesome, every one of you.**


	17. Into the Night, part II

_Into the Night, pt II_

**I won't even... yeah. You know. **

**If it makes it any better, there's a pretty decent reveal in this chapter. Um. Yeah. **

**:)  
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**It's the moment of truth and the moment to lie****  
The moment to live and the moment to die  
The moment to fight, the moment to fight, to fight, to fight, to fight**

_**30 Seconds to Mars – This is War**_

**x.x.x**_**  
**_

**Edward. **

_Fuuuuuck_.

That was the only rational thought that was running through my mind as I jumped away from Bella like a kid caught elbow deep in the cookie jar.

Fuck.

And then I just kind of completely froze. I was unable to move or react or say anything. I just stood there… unable to remove my eyes from him.

And Jasper was livid; his face was twisted up with the anger he usually reserved for me as he stared Bella down. His eyes were narrowed, his lips were twisted up into a terrifying sneer, and his chest rose and fell to the heavy pounding bass of the song blaring from the surrounding speakers. The party continued on around us, completely oblivious to the shit-storm that was surely about to unfold right in the middle of it all. But the five of us stood frozen; shell-shocked. And nobody moved. And nobody spoke.

And for a second… just a flash of a moment that passed almost to quickly for me to register, I found myself sympathizing with Jasper. I mean, he caught me with a handful of his best friend's ass and my tongue rammed down her throat. Yeah, maybe I wanted to torture the man a bit but this… this wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't how it was supposed to go down. Damn the whiskey and tequila and damn Bella for being just way too fucking hot for me to keep my hands off… and damn my cock and my horny un-laid ass… Just… damn it all.

And man, I thought he was going to throttle me. Because I would have, if I'd caught him feeling up Alice like that with no warning, with not even the slightest glimpse of a red flag waving in the distance. I was fully expecting Jasper to fucking jump me. But instead he turned his anger on Bella. But Bella didn't deserve that look, that hatred… so when she rushed off to follow him after he turned his back and walked away, I was right behind her.

I was shaking my head and muttering to myself as I dodged the guests and tried to keep up. For someone who couldn't run across a smooth paved path without falling on her ass, the girl was surprisingly fast in high heels. I started unbuttoning my cuffs and rolled them up with one hand as I wove through the crowd, hoping for Bella's sake that this wouldn't come to blows, but really, I had no fucking clue what was about to unfold. So I was going to be prepared.

Somebody grabbed my shoulder as I dodged some swaying drunk chick, and I almost just fucking started swinging because well, that's where my head was at. I turned in anger, just ready to knock whoever the fuck it was out, but I shook myself when I realized it was just Andy.

"Dude. Where's the fire?" he asked, jerking me back slightly so he could yell in my ear and be heard over the music. His eyebrows raised and he grinned, looking amused at my reaction.

"Hey man, right now, not a good time," I said, shrugging out of his grasp. I cast him what I hoped was an apologetic look over my shoulder as I continued on. I scanned the crowed in front of me and caught a glimpse of the gold of Bella's dress before it disappeared through a door in the hallway. I half-jogged after her, dodging people as I went.

"Jasper, fucking talk to me!"

I cringed when I heard Bella's angry cry from outside the door that led to the garage. I carefully twisted the knob and pushed the door open with my hip, slipping inside.

As soon as I step through the door, I felt like I'd entered a battlefield. Jasper was standing in the middle of the empty garage already smoking a cigarette, his back to Bella, his shoulders stiff. Bella was facing him, her feet planted firmly on the cement floor, her body tensed as if ready to spring and attack or bolt at a moment's notice. Alice sat on a wooden bench that lined one of the walls, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, her eyes wide and looking like she was wondering if it was a good idea for her to have followed Jasper in here. I stood in the doorway, wondering the same thing myself. Maybe we should just leave this to Bella and Jasper to hash out. But I didn't want it to be like I was abandoning her, not now. Besides, I wanted to be there if shit got too heated.

And by the looks of things… it was going to get heated. Fast.

It wasn't that I didn't trust Bella to stand up for herself – because I _knew _she could. Hell I knew better than anybody that Bella didn't lack a strong backbone, but I didn't want to ditch her with this either. If we were going to be together, then we were going to handle this shit together, too.

"Jasper, _come on_. Look, I get that your pissed, but at least talk to me!" Bella's hands were planted on her hips, her voice full of frustration. Her shoulders were shaking, and she took a step forward, towards Jasper, but then stopped herself. I could only stare, struggling with myself, wondering if I should step in or not.

"_No_." Jasper turned his head to the side, his back still to her. His lips hardly moved, but his reply sliced through the thick tension in the air.

Bella let out a long sigh, shaking her head at his back. "You want to be a fucking baby about this? _Fine. _But you are going to stand there and you are going to listen to what I have to say. We are doing this now, Jasper. And Alice, I'm sorry," Bella paused, glancing briefly to where Alice was almost flattening herself up against the garage wall, looking like she was almost in a state of shock. "I'm sorry that it has to be on your birthday, at your party, and I know that's shitty of me, but I'm not doing this – I'm not going to let Jasper give me the fucking silent treatment until I break and come running back to him." Her gaze was back on Jasper, her eyes narrowed, her chin raised. "I'm not a fucking child anymore, and maybe you're trying to protect me, Jasper… but you have to let me do this, you have to let me make my own choices and my own mistakes."

Bella paused again and took a deep breath, and then turned around and looked over her shoulder, her eyes meeting mine. I stared back, just feeling like I was in a fucking weird place, my skin buzzing, my mind reeling, my ears adjusting to the echoing silence of the garage and my body still cooling from the heat of our kiss. But Bella raised her eyebrows and held out her hand, beckoning me to her side and I pulled my hands from my pockets and was next to her in an instant. She wove our fingers together, squeezing my hand tightly before letting our joined hands drop so they swung between us.

Her eyes were on mine when she spoke, and her lips turned up into a smile. "Jasper, you have to let me make my _own_ happiness."

I smiled back at her, feeling far too many emotions at once to even try and speak. I could only stare at her, feeling dazed and proud and happy and a little drunk and I was so fucking caught up that I didn't even realized she'd turned her attention back to Jasper.

Jasper. _Right_.

I turned back and faced him, Bella's hand still intertwined with mine, our shoulders touching. He and turned around so he was now facing Bella and I. He was stamping out his cigarette with the toe of his shoe, his arms crossed over his chest. His face held no emotion, his mouth set in a straight line, his eyes blank as he stared back at Bella.

Bella rounded her shoulders, refusing to back down from his gaze. "Jasper, you've been my best friend since I was eight. Of all the shit I've been through – of all the shit _we've _been through – separate or together, I have to say this is the most fucking ridiculous thing we've ever fought over. You're my _best friend_; you should _want _me to be happy! Instead, I'm scared out of my goddamn mind, so worried about what you're going to think about this because your opinion matters to me, and it always will. But right now… it's just all so fucking wrong. You were hiding things from me, for _four years y_ou were hiding it. I know that Edward showed up at our house the next morning after we broke up, and I know what you did to him! And you know what? I'd be willing to bet there are more details you just '_forgot'_ to mention. For four years, you kept that from me. We were supposed to have shared everything, Jasper! But I guess that was all just a lie, too."

Her trembling hand tightened around mine, but she didn't let up. "And I hate who you are for being angry about this and I hate who you are for being so against Edward and I, and for being such a fucking _hypocrite _that I can't even stand to look at you! You're wrong about this, Jasper. You're so wrong."

Jasper finally spoke. He let out one low, sarcastic laugh as he shook his head. "Bella, are you listening to yourself right now? I wish… fuck, I wish I could record you words right now and play it back to you a month ago. You want to know what your reaction would have been? You would have laughed in my face. And then you would have jumped on my back and laughed and made some stupid joke and told me I was on crack. Because _that's _who you are. But for some reason, Cullen blinds you and I don't know what the hell it is, why you're so convinced you're fucking right. And for some reason, you're willing to give him a second chance, no matter how badly he hurt you. No matter how badly he fucked you up."

I stiffened, and instantly Bella's grip on my hand tightened, and I could almost feel her begging me to stay put.

"How many second chances did you give in to your father?" she hissed, her eyes narrowing. I almost flinched at that one – she was aiming to injure. It had been an unspoken rule around us as teenagers – you don't bring up Jasper's family. Ever. But Bella continued, "How many times did you go running back to him, no matter how fucking bad he hurt you? And even when he almost fucking _killed you_, you couldn't go up on that stand and testify against him. So don't you ever fucking feed me bullshit about second chances, Jazz. I can't… I won't… And Edward… Edward would never hurt me like that."

Jasper's face was less angry, his gaze dropped and he looked almost… sad. "Is it really that different, Bella?"

I saw the tears gathering in her eyes, but she raised her chin, her grip on my hand tightening, her strength surprising me. In more ways than one.

"Yes."

"Bella," he began, his voice cracking. He looked up and met her gaze. "All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy… to be safe and happy. And I can't… not with a good conscience, just stand here and let this happen. Because I _know _how it's going to end."

I opened my mouth, ready to speak the fuck up already, ready to lash out. But Bella cut me off.

"So it's completely fine that _you _get everything you want – you get Alice, you get to experience everything that I know is out there – that I _know _is standing right next to me? You get to be happy and I – what? I get to sit on the sidelines and live vicariously through you? I don't think so. You want me to be happy? _Let _me be happy! Don't stand in the way of this. Don't ruin this for me, Jasper."

"Jasper…" Alice cleared her throat and got slowly to her feet and we all looked over at her in surprise. "Jasper, maybe Bella _is _right about this."

"Alice, don't. You don't know _anything_ about this."

Alice flinched at Jasper's sharp words and it was that one small cower that made me snap. In an instant, I'd dropped Bella's hand and taken a quick, deliberate step towards Jasper. I felt Bella grasp at my shirt and heard her yell my name from behind me, but I shook my head, my temper flaring. I'd had more than enough of Jasper and his douchiness for one night. My hands balled into fists at my side as I turned on him.

"Listen, buddy, I don't know who the fuck you think you are, talking to the girls like this. Get the hell off your high horse and look at what you're doing here! Look at what you're saying to the people you claim to love. You're fucking problem is with _me, _not with them. So let's hear it." I held out my arms. "Why am I such a piece of shit? Why the fuck am I so undeserving of Bella? Come on, let it the fuck out."

Jasper's eyes narrowed. "I'm not doing this."

I laughed bitterly and shook my head, letting my hands drop to my side. "It's pathetic, you know. Truly fucking pathetic. You know that your fear of losing her is going to be what ends up driving her away, right?"

I heard Bella and Alice both yell before I saw Jasper coming at me. By the time I'd registered what was happening, my back was being slammed up against the wall, the back of my head knocking painfully against the unfinished plywood. Jasper's fists were clenched around my shirt, his face mere inches from mine. "You don't know anything about me and Bella," he seethed, his voice low, his grey eyes boring into mine. "And just because you managed to weasel your way back into her heart for now, it doesn't mean you'll ever know anything about us."

I tried to shove him off me as the girls continued yelling behind us. I wasn't registering any of it as I struggled against his grip. "Get the fuck off me, Whitlock," I growled. "Because right now, I have a lot more allies at this party than you do. So don't do something you'll regret."

"Like I fucking care." Jasper held me tight and lowered his voice further as he hissed his parting words in my ear. "And I know what you've been up to the past five years, Cullen. Good luck explaining that all to Bella." He pushed me hard, one last time, then let me go. I slumped back against the wall, my mind reeling, trying to keep up to what the fuck had just happened. I ran my hands through my hair, chanting in my head, over and over again, telling myself not to hit him. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't going to make this better. It probably wouldn't make this better. But it would feel so, so good.

When I finally looked back up, I realized the scene before me had quickly turned into a shit show. Alice was standing between Bella and Jasper, her eyes wide and glistening with tears, her lower lip trembling as she looked between the two of them helplessly. Bella was right in Jasper's face, her entire face crimson as she yelled at him, her body shaking.

"-the fuck is the matter with you? What's your problem accepting the fact I might actually be happy? You're acting like a fucking crazy person! Why are you so fucking against this? I just don't _understand_, Jasper!"

"Bella!" Jasper's reply came out strangled. "I want you to be happy. More than anything, that's what I want for you. But I will not stand back and watch Cullen break your heart. Not again."

"Who says he's going to hurt me? Anybody could hurt me." She threw her arms in the air. "There's a million goddamn ways for me to get hurt, every single day. Stepping out the goddamn hotel room door every morning is a risk! You know that. Everything we do is a risk. Fuck Jasper, you held my hand right before we threw ourselves out of a plane. So cut the fucking bullshit. You _can't _be there to protect me all the time."

As Bella spoke, I reached out for Alice and pulled her trembling body into a hug. I felt to terrible she had to be a part of this. Especially since… well… a lot of this shit was seriously hitting home. For both of us.

"Maybe you're right, Bella. But I'm sorry; I don't want to leave when you change your fucking mind about this. And when he breaks your heart just like he did five years ago, I'd don't want to be the one who has to put you back together again. I can't, Bella."

"Why are you so fucking convinced I'm going to hurt her again?" I growled, releasing my hold on Alice and clenching my hands into fists. "Maybe there's a chance that I somehow managed to learn from my mistakes, after regretting everything that happened back in Jacksonville every single fucking day for four goddamn years? Can't you even give me the slightest benefit of the doubt? Maybe I've actually grown up, Whitlock."

Jasper rolled his eyes in my direction. "Maybe you've _grown up, _Cullen," he said, and the way he spoke, like he was talking to a child, did nothing to alleviate my urge to knock him on his ass. "But that doesn't mean the dynamic in yours and Bella's relationship has changed. You guys will be happy for ten minutes before you're at each other's throats. I know. I've s_een it. _Growing up doesn't change that. Nothing changes that. It's how you guys are – how you'll always be. And Bella doesn't do long term _anything _anymore. She can't even eat the same thing for lunch two days in a row. She switches brands of smokes every week, her favorite band changes every other day. She'll get bored of you, Cullen. Quickly. Then you get to deal with the pain of losing her again, too."

"You ever think that maybe it's because that's who _you've_ made her become? Dragging her across the country on some kind of nomadic crusade?"

"Because we had to escape _you_, your memory, after you--"

"STOP IT!"

An angry cry from Bella cut through the air and Jasper and I both stopped and slowly turned to Bella. Her eyes were wild and she stood with her hands on either side of her head, rocking back and forth. She resembled a fiery goddess the way the anger rolled off her in waves as she looked back between Jasper and I, her head shaking.

"Just… stop it! I can't, you guys…" Her arms dropped to her side and she let out a long breath, her shoulders slumping. "I'm not doing this anymore. This is the end of this fucking discussion."

"Bella --" she held up her hand and stopped Jasper.

"I'm with Edward. If you're going to let this get between us, then I guess our friendship just wasn't what I thought it was," she shrugged, though I saw the shaking of her hands before she curled them into balls. "There's obviously nothing I can do to change your mind, but I'll be waiting for when you want to talk about this. Rationally." She raised her eyebrows then turned to me, her eyes still blazing. "And Edward… I know you're trying to stick up for me… but Jasper's right. This is what I've become. I'm not used to being in one place, or sticking to one thing, but I'm going to fucking _try_. Because I want this. I want you. I've been running for a long time, and I probably would still be if it weren't for the both of you. And I mean that. And there's going to be days when I just need to get out of here, and go running or driving and see different scenery… but I'll come back. As long as you want me to, I'll always come back."

I could only nod slowly in response.

She closed her eyes and let out a long breath and nobody moved until she spoke again. "Look… we still have a few hours left of Alice's birthday, and I say we all go out there and fucking _enjoy_ the night. I'm going outside, because I really need some fucking air. So… please just... don't fight anymore, okay? And don't follow me. I'll be back inside soon, but I just need some space."

With that, Bella nodded and then turned on her heel and walked slowly from the garage. She was taking deep breaths, her head still shaking in disbelief. And I was left staring after her, wondering what in the hell just happened.

Alice, Jasper and I were left standing in the middle of the garage, heads spinning. It was Alice who moved first, turning and slowly following Bella's lead and exiting the garage. Right before she pulled open the door she stopped and turned back to Jasper and I.

"Jasper," she said quietly, clearing her throat. Her fingers brushed the doorknob and she looked over her shoulder and met his eyes. "Just know, if you hang onto her too tightly, you're going to end up losing her. Trust me."

I glanced over at Jasper, who was staring at her questioningly, his lips moving silently.

"I know because… because that's how I…" Alice's gaze flickered to mine. "Because that's how I almost lost Edward." Alice pulled open the garage door and slipped back into the house. Jasper's eyes met mine for the slightest of moments and I swear I saw something soften, some change before moved from his place beside me and was jogging up the garage stairs after Alice.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

My mind was a mess as I pushed my way through the crowd of the party and made my way outside. I felt like I was in a daze, my mind still reeling no matter how hard I tried to push it all away. I was confused, and I was angry… but above all I felt _relieved. _Free. Like so much had just been lifted from my shoulders. And it was about fucking time.

I ordered two Jack and Cokes on my way outside, chewing on the short, black straw between sips as I wove through the hordes of people. I could almost feel myself relaxing with every step I took away from the mess behind me. It was perfect – it was all I needed.

When I stepped out on the patio, the first person I saw was Emmett. He was standing in the dim light off to the side, a beer in one hand, and he was reaching over to put out his cigarette in an ashtray. Without even thinking, I slipped to his side and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"Whoa," he chuckled in surprise. It only took a moment for him to return the hug. "Swan, what's going on? Are you all right?"

I shook my head and swallowed hard as I pulled away. "I'm fine," I replied, a little amazed at the confidence in my voice. "You know, big night," I tried to wave it off like it was nothing. Like I didn't just rip a strip off my best friend. Like I didn't almost just lose him.

Emmett nodded slowly in understanding, arching an eyebrow. "Want to go down to the beach or something?"

"Sure," I nodded. That sounded fucking perfect. And drama free. So Emmett threw his arm around my shoulders and led me down the slope of the lawn to the empty beach. I stopped him when we stood on the edge, right where the grass met the sand, and I stripped off my high heels and set my drinks on the grass next to them. Then I took a running leap into the sand, sighing and melting a little inside at the feel of the cool gritty sand against my hot, tired feet. I breathed in the sweet, cool night air and raised my arms to the cloudless sky above me and twirled in a slow circle, a laugh escaping my chest, the freedom in the air almost tangible.

I could hear Emmett laughing from behind me. "You are the most bizarre person I've ever met," he said as he approached, one of my drinks in his hand. He held it out to me and I stopped my spinning long enough to polish off the liquid, then threw back my head and chewed slowly on the ice.

"So… what do you want to do?" Emmett asked, raising his eyebrows as he faced me.

"I want to…" I swallowed, looking around. There were a couple people I recognized still out on the patio smoking, thin grey wisps of smoke curled above their heads and up into the night sky. The music was still pounding from inside the doors, people were yelling and laughing and dancing all around. I didn't want to go back in there. I was too alive to be traditional and drunk and dancing with everybody else. I wanted to climb a fucking mountain – or go run barefoot through the woods screaming at the top of my lungs. But what if I ran into a bear? I wondered if Emmett would come and protect me from bears. It seemed like a chivalrous Emmett-type thing to do.

But I decided I needed to do something slightly less dangerous. Tomorrow... tomorrow I could climb that mountain. Tomorrow I could do anything I wanted. Speaking your mind was fucking empowering. I could do anything -- I could do it all, and they couldn't stop me. I could still feel the adrenaline from the fight coursing through my veins. I flexed my fingers, chewing my bottom lip as I deliberated. "I want to go swimming," I finally decided, turning back to Emmett.

"Here? Now?"

"Yes."

He hardly hesitated before he laughed and shrugged in what I assumed was agreement. "All right. But clothing is not optional – I am not getting caught skinny-dipping with you tonight."

I giggled, "All right, all right." I swiped his beer from his hand, took a long gulp, then passed it back to him. I swayed slightly but nodded. "You know… you just get me, Emmett. With us… it would just be so easy. Why couldn't we fall in love?"

Emmett sighed, and he draped his arm over my shoulders. He put the beer back in my hand and sounded almost apologetic as he spoke. "Because I'm not Cullen… and you're not Rose."

"And cause I know nothing about engines or transitions?" I teased, my words slurring slightly together.

Emmett chuckled. "Transmissions, sweetheart. And yeah, that too."

I rolled my eyes. "Same difference. So will you wait for me to go get my bathing suit then?" I had a feeling Alice definitely wouldn't appreciate me ruining my brand new dress by jumping in the lake fully clothed.

"You seriously want to do this?"

"Yep."

"All right. I'll wait for you."

"Great!" I dashed across the yard to the beach house, thankful that we'd thought to leave a few lights on earlier in the day. I went skidding through the door and quickly stripped down and went into the bathroom where my bathing was still hanging up in the shower, drying from the day before. I slipped it on, grabbing two towels and gathering my dress and sprinting back out of the room. I was halfway down the path when I realized I forgot to shut the door behind me and came to a skidding stop as I turned raced back, slammed it, and was back on my way to Emmett. He was waiting exactly how I'd left him, his suit jacket hanging from one hand, a beer bottle in the other. I went racing across the beach, kicking up sand behind me, when he looked up and saw me. His face broke out into a grin.

"That was fast."

I nodded breathlessly, tugging on his arm. "Come on."

Emmett laughed again as he began following me out to the dock. We didn't stop until we were at the very end, and he set down his beer and stripped down to his boxers. I smirked at him and stood at the very edge, my toes curling over the end of the smooth wood. I could hear people gathered down at the beach, yelling and laughing and cheering us on. With one final grin in Emmett's direction, I grabbed his hand, counted silently to three, and leapt off the dock.

Cold. The water was very cold.

Scratch that, the water was fucking _freezing. _I came up sputtering and yelling and laughing, and Emmett came up right beside me swearing. I threw my head back and laughed, treading water as I smoothed back the hairs clinging to the side of my face. I could hear people cheering and clapping but I blocked it all out and turned to Emmett.

"I did it," I said quietly, but Emmett was already climbing out of the water, still cussing too loud to hear. But it didn't matter, because I fucking did it. And it felt great.

I backstroked slowly away from the dock into the dark waters, unable to fight the smile on my face or cease the laughter bubbling from deep in my chest.

_I did it. _

I sat on a stage in a small, crowded bar and played my guitar. I was honest with Edward. I spent the night in the same bed as Edward. I panicked and I came to appreciate all these things I have in life that I can't touch but I can feel and I _know_ are real. I wore a short dress and high heels. I reached the point of no return. And I stood up to Jasper.

And I'd done it all in three short days.

Another laugh escaped me and I dove under the black surface of the cold, refreshing lake water.

Life… it was fucking crazy sometimes.

I continued to swim around for a bit, until it really was too cold, and then joined Emmett on the dock, where he had the towel ready and waiting. I grinned at him as I wrapped up in it. "That was fun," I told him.

"Mmmhm. And hypothermia is going to be a blast."

I shoved him half-heartedly and took a seat on the dock next to him. And we sat shivering in silence, sharing the rest of his beer and gazing out into the darkness. The euphoria from the swim slowly drained from my body as we sat there. My skin was tingling from the chill of the water, and I felt re-energized. Renewed. Our audience at the beach had dispersed right after our jump in the lake and now it was very still and peaceful. I don't know how much time had passed when Emmett spoke up, but the shivering had subsided and I was leaning back on my elbows, still wrapped up in the fluffy towel, my gaze on the same night sky Edward and I had sat under the night before.

"So… Bella, I know it's not my place to say but I just feel like I have to." Emmett cleared his throat awkward and slowly looked over at me.

I nodded slowly as I chewed on my lip. "Ooookay."

"You know… as pissed as you are at him right now, you know you're lucky to have a friend like Jasper, right?"

I only sighed, twirling a damp piece of hair around my finger as I stared out onto the lake.

Emmett leaned back on his elbows so he was level with me. "Seriously. I mean I get it. He's looking out for you. Most people call themselves friends… or best friends… but they're just as likely to stand by and watch you get hurt as a perfect stranger is. But Jasper… he'll tell you what he thinks, even though he knows it's going to piss you off. I'm not sayin' he's _right_… just that you're lucky."

"Thanks, Em," I said softly, resting my head on his shoulder. He was right, I knew he was right. But still… it didn't take back the words Jasper and I had exchanged. We'd never, not in all our years, ever had a fight that bad. And it had taken a lot out of me.

"Even if he's the only family you'll ever have… you got it pretty good," Emmett said, and his voice sounded far away, like his mind was somewhere else completely.

Suddenly, I turned. "Emmett… what about your family? Will you ever tell me about them?"

Emmett let out a long breath, then reached into the pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out two cigarettes, lighting them both and handing me one. "Honestly? Well… there's not a lot to tell."

"You don't have to," I assured him softly. "But it feels good, sometimes. Just to get it all out." _Trust me. _

Emmett sighed. "It's just… Well... my dad… he's just not a good person. From the outside, I mean, we had it all. Big house, big farm, lots of workers… my dad never had to lift a finger if he didn't want to. But he was very… _insecure_. Like… he'd watch us all the time, and if we made one wrong move…" His voice trailed off and he shuddered and my stomach sank. I had a pretty good feeling I knew what he was trying to say. I just stared at Emmett, big, cheerful Emmett, and tried to imagine anybody hurting him. It was just so _wrong _it made my heart hurt. And then I thought about Jasper's dad, and Edward's dad… and realized it was so much more to it than what we knew. So much more had brought us all together, more than we could ever imagine.

Emmett cleared his throat and continued. "I was too restless to stay on the farm. But my dad… well, he decided when I was very young that that's all I'd ever do. Work on the farm, while he sat up in his big office and watched. Then, one day I'd take his place. Simple." He snapped his fingers, and then shrugged. "Out of high school, I had money saved up and took off to Thailand with some friends. It was the best month of my life. Of course, my dad wasn't in on it. He thought I'd gone backpacking through Italy or something… gaining some worldly knowledge," Emmett rolled his eyes, "when I was really drinking booze out of a bucket and getting shit hammered every night on the beach. But when I got back, he never mentioned the trip. Just handed me my coveralls and told me the barn stalls needed cleaning. And that was that."

He cleared his throat before he continued and I sat quietly, afraid to move or speak and startle him out of the trance he seemed to be in.

"I worked for him for a long time…. But eventually I just couldn't do it anymore. I moved to the city, I tried going to school, got a different job. But even there, he just _haunted _me. It's like… he had people everywhere, always watching me, just because he could. He was so afraid… afraid I'd make one wrong move and his entire reputation would go down the drain. And I just never got it. How he could put on such a fucking act all the goddamn time. And we all had a part to play… the perfect son, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter… it was exhausting. I just… I couldn't do it anymore. So I made a run for it." Emmett chuckled quietly. "The first time, I made it two towns over before one of my dad's 'friends' hunted me down and drug me home. I took my own car, used my credit cards…" He smiled, as if reminiscing. "Well, I didn't make that mistake the second time."

He looked right at me. "I think the biggest risk I took the second time was taking you guys to the beach house. I mean, he could have so easily had someone watching the place. But I wanted to show him, show him that I was better at it than he was. I want him to know I was there, and he will, he'll know I was there and there's nothing he can fucking do about it. But… I feel now like he's given up almost. I don't know." He shrugged. "Maybe he let me go. Finally."

"But your mom… and your sister…" I frowned. "They have to be so worried."

Emmett laughed. "My mom never wanted kids. She married my dad to be rich, and that's the god's honest truth. I think having kids was part of the contract when they got married, and believe me, I bet my dad made her sign one. He got what he wanted, she got what she wanted. And he wanted kids… to take over the family business. And she… she wanted the name. And the money, of course. But she never wanted to be a mother – she never really _was _a mother. I was raised by a nanny who died when I was sixteen. I doubt my mom even misses me."

"I find that hard to believe," I told him seriously, unable to imagine a mother give birth to a child and watch it grow up before her very eyes and never really love it. "But… what about your sister?"

Emmett smiled sadly. "I talk to her, actually. Her and her husband, Peter. They're amazing… I miss them so much. They have two kids, Carter's five and Emma's two and I miss them more than words can say. But… I knew what I was leaving behind when I left. And as much as I miss them, I'm so much happier where I am now. And I know I'll see them again. Eventually. Once I know my dad's let me go for good."

And I just stared at Emmett as he put his cigarette out on the dock next to him, and wondered how I never saw it… how I never saw that he was going through so much. Maybe he was like his dad more than he knew… he could put on that happy facade that nobody could see through. He was still playing the part of the perfect son.

Emmett turned back to me, cutting off my train of thought. "And that's why you're lucky to have Jasper. Somebody who _really _cares about you. They way he looks at you… it's like he's guarding his life. And I know, maybe it can be suffocating at times, but not everybody gets to experience something so intense. And I'm sure once he sees how truly happy you are, Bella, he'll be okay with everything. Just give the guy a little time, that's all."

I nodded slowly. "I know… and honestly? I don't think anything could ever come between Jasper and I. Not even Edward," I laughed quietly. "We've just been through too much together… That kind of bond… it wears thin at times, like tonight. But there's just no breaking it."

Emmett laughed. "Okay, shit's officially gotten too fucking sappy for a party like this." He sat up and rubbed his eyes, before glancing over at me. "You ready to get back in there, tiger?"

I let out a long, long breath. "Yeah," I said finally. I got to my feet and shook out my dress, which had been lying on the dock next to me. My bathing suit was fairly dry, so I pulled the dress over my head, suddenly lacking the energy to go back and change into dry underwear.

Today had been a long fucking day.

I paused as I waited for Emmett to get dressed, my gaze wandering over the beach. I stopped when my eyes fell upon a dark shape standing out against the sand, and although he was far away, just a silhouette in the darkness, he was unmistakable. I could see one of his hands hanging casually from the pocket of his pants, the other holding a cigarette to his mouth. The glowing ember was just barely discernible in the distance. His suit jacket was back, tossed carelessly over his shoulder. His head was ducked slightly and I could almost make out the twinkle in his eye, his head tilted toward me. I lifted my free hand to wave and he made the same motion with the hand that was holding the cigarette, our actions mirrored. The smile that overtook my face was immediate and genuine.

I glanced hesitantly back at Emmett.

"Oh, fucking go see him," he said, rolling his eyes as he finished buttoning up his black dress shirt.

I smiled. "Sorry Em," I apologized because I realized it was the second time tonight I'd ditched Emmett for Edward.

Emmett rolled his eyes again and gave me a light shove in Edward's direction picking his tie up off the dock and pulling it over his head. I didn't need to be told twice. I gave Emmett one last apologetic smile and dropped the towel on the dock as I began jogging barefoot down the dock to Edward's awaiting arms.

"Ugh, you're wet!" was his greeting as he caught me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest.

I giggled. "I might have gone for a little swim."

"I might have heard about that," he murmured, pressing his lips to my temple. "You must be freezing."

"It's not so bad," I told him honestly, but that didn't stop him from pulling his jacket off his shoulder and wrapping it around me. He smoothed back a few stray hairs and laughed at me. "Your make-up is kind of… all over the place."

I groaned and began wiping at the skin around my eyes. "I kind of forgot about that," I laughed sheepishly.

Edward didn't reply, just looked at me intently.

"What?"

A smirk played at the corners of his lips. "It's… really hot, actually."

I shook my head. I had to have looked like a complete mess. I could feel that some of Alice's carefully placed pins had slipped from my hair and it was kind of hanging messily down my back, curling into random disarray as it dried. I was sure that my bathing suit was nowhere near dry enough not to seep through my dress, the water most likely leaving darker spots on the fabric around my top and bottom. I licked my fingertips as I tried to erase the rest of the make up from around my eye, but Edward placed his hand over mine, effectively stopping me.

"Seriously, Bella. It's a very sexy look for you."

I rolled my eyes, pretty certain that raccoon-eyes weren't a sexy look for anybody. But stopped because I honestly didn't really care how I looked. I didn't have to stare at myself all night long.

I could feel Edward laughing at he wrapped his arms around me again, trying to inconspicuously adjust the jacket on my shoulders. "I've got some friends that want to meet you," he told me softly. "Do you want to go back inside for a bit?"

I nodded but neither of us moved to go back to the cabin. I was too caught up in my own little bubble of awesome, my cool face pressed to Edward's warm chest, the serenity of the moment too genuine to end just yet.

I heard a light cough, someone announcing their presence, and I looked up to see Emmett strolling down the beach towards us, his shoes swinging from his hand. "Hey, Edward man, have you seen Rose?" he asked, nodding in our direction.

"Um… she was dancing with the girls when I left," Edward told him, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Thanks dude." Emmett grinned and winked in my direction before turning and heading back to the cabin. I watched him go, realizing that for as much as the bond between Jasper and I had weakened tonight, the friendship between Emmett and I had grown. It was nice, being able to share those kinds of things with somebody other than Jasper. And as I watched him go, I felt more thankful than ever for that random day on the random empty highway when I'd turned down _Don't Stop Believing _and demanded that Jasper stop the car so we could pick up the random hitchhiker on the side of the road.

Except none of it was really random at all. Because it had all brought me here, to this warm summer evening, wet knotted hair and running make up. Because it brought me here, back in the arms of Edward Cullen.

**x.x.x**

**Edward. **

Andy and Derek absolutely loved Bella. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that they wouldn't like her, but I just didn't expect them to warm up to her so fast. She was just so much different than the sorority-tail they were used to chasing. But Bella won them over the moment she sidled up to them with two cold beers and her award-winning grin, smudged make up and damp hair. They both just gawked at her and at first I wanted to knock them out, because I expected them to say some dick line and make her uncomfortable. But the way their eyes were trained on her every time she moved or spoke made _me_ uncomfortable. Fast. Jealousy was not a trait I played nicely with. So I lured her back to the dance floor and the guys flipped me off behind her back and I could only shake my head and mouth "fuck you" in return.

Of course I trusted the hell out of Bella, but I didn't trust them. Those two… they had no boundaries. Not even when it came to the friend's girl. So I ushered her away before they could make a move and force me to throw punches tonight.

So Bella and I danced and laughed and kissed, and I was so glad she wasn't dwelling on the fight. But I didn't miss the way her gaze flickered periodically to Jasper as he danced in the corner with Alice. And when Jasper approached us as the song changed to something slower and asked to dance with Bella I smiled and promised her it was okay. Because it was. I said I wasn't going to stand in the way of their friendship, and I truly meant it.

After Jasper and Bella disappeared into the crowd on the dance floor, I sought out Alice and we danced. We were quiet, both unable to discuss the night's events, both of our attention focused on finding a different couple on the dance floor. Both protective and concerned and trying like hell not to show it. The only words that were exchanged between Alice and I as we danced were when she looked up at me, her dark hazel eyes boring into mine and quietly said, "Edward… you'll tell her soon, won't you? About…"

I gaze flickered back to hers and I nodded so she didn't have to finish that thought. Bella needed to know. Bella deserved to know. Just… not tonight. The quota for the day's drama had been more than filled – I didn't want to add to the mess. Bella had enough to think about tonight. So not tonight. But soon… I would soon.

It was just before two when Bella and I headed back to the cabin. Her dance with Jasper had been uneventful and I was glad they managed to keep it together. Bella leaned up against me as we walked back to the guest house in silence, and I practically felt her exhaustion seeping into me.

It had been such a long day… but I was glad it was finally out there. Now things could start to get better.

Half of the worst of it was over.

Soon… soon it would be time for more truths and more pain. Not tonight.

But soon.

**x.x.x**


	18. Pursuit of Happiness

_Chapter 18: Pursuit of Happiness_

**I don't know if I need to put a tissue-warning on this chapter or not, because, well, I'm not arrogant enough to promise you tears. But just be aware it's not all happy times. Yeah, and it's really fucking long. **

**I'm a terrible person and forgot to thank my beta last chapter, who happened to work her ass off to get last chapter to me a day early & is crazy enough to edit these beastly chapters. So thank you x2. I love your little side-notes, they make me laugh so hard. Also, you pretty much rock my world. **

**Oh, and for all my beautiful little angst-whores: it ain't over till it's over. Promise. **

**

* * *

  
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**I can be the wall when you fall down  
Find me on the rocks when you break down  
I heard it in the song when you call out  
But I got to say now it's got to change**

**This is my broken heart  
This is my bleeding start  
This is the way I've come to know you  
This is my winding road  
This is my way back home  
This is the narrow door you know that I will walk through**

_**Mat Kearney – Renaissance**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

Life after Alice's birthday was surprisingly normal. Well, normal for us.

Edward left for Seattle on Monday morning. I spent the afternoon running errands with Alice, while the guys and Rose were back at work. Tuesday The Whiskey was open and Alice and I were back bartending and serving. Just like that, life was rolling back along, with or without us.

Sunday morning when we all finally rolled out of bed, hung over and exhausted, we all pitched in to get the cabin back to pristine condition. It was late afternoon when we piled into our separate vehicles; sunglasses covering our tired eyes, watching dark clouds roll over the mountains in the distance. Jasper came up to me as I stood at the Volvo door watching Edward lug the last bag of garbage out to the trash bin. I grinned watching him – hung over Edward was hilarious. Grumpy and whiney, yes, but also hilarious. I giggled as he passed me grumbling something under his breath, shooting daggers in Jake's direction, who was taking the brunt of Edward's crankiness for whatever reason. And everybody seemed to be in on it – sending Jake out to help Edward put the boat in storage or Alice sweetly requesting they both go out and collect the empties that had been discarded on the beach, and then move the heavy furniture that no one else was "strong enough" to move back in place. Needless to day, Alice, Rose, Emmett and I had been laughing silently behind their backs all morning.

Maybe we'd gotten our entertainment to clean to at their expense, but what the hell. It was funny.

Jasper, on the other hand, had been sullen, broody, and quiet all morning – exactly as I had expected. So I was surprised when he strode up to the Volvo and leaned against the car door next to me. And I was even more surprised when I looked up at him, trying to figure out what he wanted, and he simply pulled me into his chest for a hug. He whispered a quiet apology in my ear then told me he'd ordered the part for the Mustang on Friday. I stiffened when he released his grasp on me and then strode back to Rose's car. I just stared after him, trying to make sense of his news – the way he murmured it hastily in my ear sounded more like a threat than anything. Soon, we'd have an out. If anything went wrong.

I shook myself and climbed into the car, trying to assure myself that I was simply reading into nothing. This was good news. Soon we'd have the car back.

It would be weird… but it was good. It was time we had our own transportation again. At least, that's what I told myself.

We drove back to Forks through the winding roads with the heat on low and the windshield wipers erasing the sprinkling rain off the glass, and if I couldn't look down at my hand and see it was intertwined with Edwards, I'd have a hard time believing the weekend happened at all.

It was strange, how hard it was to say good-bye to Edward Monday morning. He got up early – far earlier than I was used to getting up anymore. I'd spent the night at his house; we had a quiet evening, Edward's foul mood had worn off by the time we arrived back in Forks. Alice made pasta and we all ate in the dining room and then watched a movie together that both Alice and I fell asleep to. Jasper and I hardly spoke – in fact, Jasper hardly spoke at all. But he would come around eventually – I knew he would.

So, bright and early Monday morning, while Edward was in the shower, I trudged upstairs and started the coffee pot before I realized I didn't even know if Edward even drank coffee. But I certainly did, and if I was going to be out of bed at this god forsaken hour, then I sure as hell needed come caffeine in my system. So I set a full pot to brew. The house was silent, save for the water running from the shower in the basement and the quiet gurgling of the coffee pot across the kitchen from me. I sat at the island flipping aimlessly through one of Alice's home décor magazines and fighting back giant yawns and struggling to keep my eyes open.

When the coffee was ready, I fetched myself a giant mug from the cupboard, surprising myself with the ease at which I found my way around the kitchen. As I filled the cup I heard the light padding of paws down the hallway followed by heavier ones and I looked up to greet Edward with a smile – then stopped when I realized it was not Edward but Jasper I found myself face-to-face with.

He paused when our eyes met and lifted his mouth in a half smile. "Hey," he said softly.

I tried to rearrange my features into something less surprised because, really, it wasn't that shocking that I'd find Jasper in the kitchen this early. He had spent the night here with Alice, and he had to work this morning too.

"Hey," I said finally, then looked down awkwardly at my coffee cup as Clyde came and sat at my feet. I squatted down and scratched Clyde between the ears and he let out a sigh, his huge eyes blinking up at me. I bit my lip and smiled – I knew how he felt.

"Uh… there's coffee," I told Jasper, standing and settling back into my seat at the island.

"Thanks." He stretched, his fingers brushing under the fabric of his plain black t-shirt, scratching his stomach. My eyes followed him as he wandered to the cupboard and grabbed a mug just like mine and filled it up with coffee. He poured a teaspoon of sugar in his cup and stirred it slowly, and the clinking of the metal against ceramic sounded deafening in the silence. He leaned back against the counter as he took a sip. His face broke out into a small smile when his eyes met mine. "So… this is weird, huh?"

I let out a breath, almost laughing because I was glad I wasn't the only one who noticed it. "Yeah. Why is that?" I asked as I slipped back into my seat at the island.

He shrugged as he took another sip. "I dunno."

We both fell silent and focused on our coffee. But Jasper was right – it was weird. And I couldn't exactly put my finger on why. I mean, yeah our big blow-up on Saturday was definitely part of the problem… we hadn't really talked about it aside from one awkward dance where he apologized for the way he reacted and then the equally awkward apology the next morning before we left. But that didn't really seem to be the big issue. I think this was mostly because… well… we'd spent the night under the same roof just like we had practically every night for five years, but this time it was different beds, different rooms, with different people. And, well, it was _different. _I was beginning to learn that Jasper and I didn't exactly cope with change as easily as we thought, which was pretty fucking ironic when you thought about it.

A moment later, I found myself tensing again when I heard Edward's telltale footsteps thumping quietly up the stairs from behind me. I didn't turn to greet him, instead I found myself watching Jasper's reaction warily as he raised his eyebrows and nodded his head to Edward as he approached.

"Hey man, where you headed so early?"

I heard Edward stop and I gawked at my best friend across the kitchen. Jasper was initiating conversation with Edward…? I fumbled to collect my jaw off the floor. This was new.

"Um," I turned when Edward cleared his throat and continued into the kitchen. He came to a stop beside me and planted a quick kiss on my forehead. "Heading out to Seattle, actually. Business… and shit… to take care of."

"Right on. Well," Jasper took one last sip of his coffee before setting the mug in the sink and glancing at the clock on the microwave. Just as he did, I heard a horn honk outside the front door and Jasper rolled his eyes, "And there's Rose. I'll see you tonight, Bells. And have a good trip, man. You'll be back, when? Friday?"

"Yeah…" Edward replied slowly.

"Cool. See ya."

"Bye," Edward and I both replied in unison, our voices sounding equally confused. Neither of us moved until we heard the front door shut behind Jasper. Then we slowly turned to each other, and I was sure the look of utter bewilderment on his face was mirrored on mine.

He spoke first, "So that was…"

"…really, really weird," I finished, nodding slowly in agreement.

"He, like, fucking spoke to me. _Christ_." Edward ran his fingers through his damp locks.

"But that's a good thing… right?"

Edward shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Only, now I feel bad."

"For what?"

"For jerking off to you in the shower."

I let out a snort of laughter, burying my face in my coffee cup. "It's way too early for that kind of talk."

"It's never too early for that kind of talk," he insisted, his lips suddenly on my neck.

I shivered at his touch, and my eyes closed as his shampoo… body wash… cologne… deodorant… or whatever it was that smelt so fuck awesome bombarded me. It was a little fruity and a lot manly and just… fucking… heavenly. I groaned as his lips moved up my neck, my head falling to the side, his fingers playing with the hem of his old t-shirt I was wearing. "Seattle," I reminded him, my voice breathless.

I didn't open my eyes until after he grumbled and finally pulled away. "Seattle," he sighed. He settled down on the seat next to me and rested his head on his hand, his freshly-shaven face tilted towards mine. "Fuck I wish I didn't have to go."

"So don't," I shrugged.

"Except I _have_ to. Come with me." He stuck out his lower lip in a way that was so irresistible I had to distract myself, looking down and running my fingertips along the polka dot design embedded in the ceramic of my mug.

"I can't," I told him firmly. "I have to work. I don't want to leave Alice stranded."

"She'll manage," he said, his face inching slowly toward mine. I could feel his breath in my ear, instantly heating me to the core. "She did it before. Come on, Bella. We'd be completely alone… in the big city… in a hotel room," his lips moved even closer, "and we'd have it all to ourselves."

I wriggled away from him again. "A hotel room? Now that'd be something new." I rolled my eyes, pulling back and turning so I was looking directly at him. I tried to force my heart back to a normal rate. "_I can't_. Besides, Jasper ordered whatever he needs to fix the car, so I'm assuming he's going to want money for it right away..."

"He what?"

"Ordered that thing… the trans…_mission_ or whatever. I don't know, the part that's costing us a fucking arm and a leg to replace."

"Oh." Edward settled back in his chair and blew out a long breath. He scratched at his damp locks. "Why don't you sound very enthused about this? You get your car back."

"I just… have my suspicious."

"About what?"

"His motives."

Edward arched an eyebrow, "What do you mean? He ordered it before he knew about us, didn't he?"

"Well… yeah."

"Then what's the big deal?"

I shrugged. "I don't know… I guess it's weird, knowing that soon we'll have an actual way out. My threats won't be so empty anymore." I smiled sheepishly.

"But that's assuming that you'd _want _to leave."

I chewed my lip. "Well… theoretically."

"Bella…"

"Yeah?"

"What aren't you telling me?"

I jumped to my feet before he even finished asking his question, hurrying to the coffee pot and refilling my mug. I glanced at the clock as I walked. "Don't you have to be going soon?" I asked him over my shoulder as I poured the coffee, my back to him.

"_Bella_."

I drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out, then spun around and faced him. "Huh?"

He was watching me, looking extremely amused. He arched an eyebrow, that stupid adorable grin on his lips that almost completely melted my will. "Don't run away from me. Why are you being so weird?"

"I'm not," I denied.

"Then what's the big deal?"

"It just…" I blew out a breath. "Ugh! You're going to think it's so stupid."

"Try me."

"Well, okay…" I glanced down at the coffee cup my hands were wrapped around, and then looked back up at him. His green eyes were staring at me curiously, his mouth still turned up into a frozen smile. "Jasper and I… we have this _thing._"

"Oookay…" Edward raised his eyebrows, urging me on.

"And," I made a face, "Well, it's how we used to decide when we'd move on, you know, when we were on the road. Sometimes… there'd be something about one place that one of us didn't like. Be it our job, or we made a mistake somehow, or we… slept with the wrong person or something. I mean, it could have been just because we were bored, or restless, or just ready to move on-"

"_Bella_," Edward laughed, cutting me off.

"What?" I asked, annoyed.

"Spit it out – I really do have to leave soon."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, okay. Well, we have a deal. That no matter where we are, how much we love a place, no matter what's going on in either of our lives… if one of us wants to move on, then we move on."

I looked up at Edward to see his was kind of staring at me, looking confused.

"All it takes is for one of us to say we're leaving, and we leave," I clarified. "End of discussion. No matter what."

I fell silent to let Edward process this new information.

I watched him grow rigid, then his jaw tighten, and a moment later his eyes were blazing. "So at absolutely any time Jasper could pull the plug on _all of this_?" He seethed, and his blatant anger honestly took me aback. "He has the power to sweep you out of here without _any _notice? _Bella. _What the-" He cut himself off and stared off somewhere behind me, his fingertips drumming on the light marble countertop in front of him.

"Edward-" I tried, but he just shook his head, cutting me off. I sighed and waited for him to get over whatever little temper tantrum he was throwing. He had a right to be upset – I understood completely. And this wasn't the way I wanted it to come out – but sometimes… you just have no control over that shit.

"Can't you change the rules?" he finally whispered, his voice desperate. He cleared his throat and his eyes met mine. "Can't you… get out of it?"

I shrugged helplessly, because honestly, it wasn't something Jasper and I had ever discussed. "I don't _think _he would ever actually ask to leave… I mean, unless things got really messed up… there's just so many _what if's_, you know?" Like, what if he got bored? What if he and Alice broke up? What if Edward and I got in some stupid fight and Jasper decided that was enough?

"I had a chance," I told Edward, "A chance to leave. When you first showed up… that night… Jasper thought for sure I was going to say it. But I couldn't do it. Not to Alice… not to _him_." I shook my head, trying to redirect my thoughts. Reliving the pain of that night was harder than I expected. "I could have… but I didn't. Maybe he'll remember that."

"Yeah, but that's how it is? You two, together forever?" Edward asked. "You could be independent… if he really wanted to leave, you could stay."

I frowned, the idea of Jasper moving on without me stirring up strange emotions in my chest. "It's not something I've ever spent a lot of time thinking about. Besides, why are we talking like this is actually happening? It's not. You're leaving right away and I just want to enjoy the last few minutes we have together, Edward."

"But it could," he said quietly.

"_Edward_," I pleaded.

Finally, he looked up at me and smiled sadly. "Come here," he said, jerking his head back and patting his lap. I set my coffee down on the counter behind me and made my way into his arms. I hopped up onto his lap and curled into his chest.

"I'm sorry," I told him quietly as I played with the crisp white collar of his dress-shirt. I'd seen Edward in a suit more times in the past 36 hours than I had in my entire life. And it was kind of really growing on me.

"I'm sorry too," he said, wrapping his arms tighter around me and placing a gentle kiss on my temple.

"Why can't it just be easy for us?" I laughed quietly.

"I don't know," he murmured against my hair, "But I'm beginning to realize that it's just never going to be very easy for us, Bella."

I wish then that I knew how very right we were.

**x.x.x**

The week without Edward passed more slowly than I ever thought possible. He called every morning and every night, mostly just to say good-morning or goodnight, but every time we spoke he sounded breathless and hurried and he was either just coming home from some meeting or heading out somewhere. I still didn't know exactly what it was that he did – I learnt quickly that Alice didn't like talking about her company and I just never pressed Edward for the details. We always seemed to have so much more to talk about than that – like how Jasper and I went out for lunch together on Tuesday and how things were starting to get back to normal, or how on Wednesday morning Emmett had announced he was almost finished with his bodywork on the Mustang.

Edward had wanted me to stay with Alice the week he was gone, but I refused. We had a perfectly good hotel room that we were still paying for. Plus, I was really enjoying hanging out with Emmett. I'd decided he'd make a pretty awesome roommate – he wasn't too lazy or messy and always had a cold case of beer on hand. He'd stay up and wait for me to get home from work and we'd stay up playing video games or just shooting the shit, getting high and laughing our asses off. It was relaxing… and a lot of fun. He never mentioned his family again and I never brought it up, so it seemed that was the end of that discussion. Which was fine by me. But I think we both felt a little better that he'd gotten it all off his chest that night. But sometimes when I looked at him I couldn't help but imagine how much different he'd really be had he never escaped the grips of his controlling father. He was so happy; so carefree – would he been the same had he never left the farm? I couldn't know, because for as well as I knew Emmett, I didn't know him at all. Not really. Which was maybe why we got along so well in the first place.

Thursday morning Emmett mentioned in passing that he and Rose were going to Port Angeles for dinner and he'd probably be spending the night at her place. My heart sank a little with his announcement even though I plastered a smile on my face and wished him luck. I mean, it was hypocritical of me to resent the fact he had a nice evening planned – I was just getting used to his company. He helped fill the giant Edward hole in my chest. But one more night, and Edward would be home. And then, most likely, I'd end up abandoning Emmett to stay at Edward's. So fair's fair.

After I got over the initial disappointment at Emmett's news, I was able to see it for what it really was – a pretty big step in his and Rose's relationship. I mean, from the outside, they were still hostile and constantly bickering and pretty damn hilarious, but obviously there was so much more brewing beneath the surface. There was something there, something that our eyes couldn't see. It was almost like their relationship was based on stolen moments and shy smiles, and it made me happy for him; happy for them both. Something told me that Rose needed Emmett, no matter what kind of front she displayed to the rest of us.

Thursday dragged on, seeming longer that the other days of the week combined. I hung out at the shop in the afternoon, afraid of going out of my mind if I simply stayed at the hotel all day. It was cloudy but not raining, the air was heavy and damp but it was warm. We ate lunch out in the parking lot on the tailgate of Jake's truck. It reminded me of times back in Jacksonville, perched on the tailgate of my old truck, swapping sandwiches with Jasper and mindlessly strumming my guitar. It made me realize just how far we'd come in those five years after all.

I left the shop late afternoon to go back to the hotel room to shower and change for work. Alice insisted on picking me up, no matter how many times I'd assured her I was perfectly capable of walking to The Whiskey. It was pretty quiet at the bar for a Thursday, it seemed that people wanted to stay home and enjoy warm weather we were having. Jake mentioned something about a bonfire down at First Beach, and I was jealous because I still hadn't made a trip out to La Push.

But we did have a few customers; a group of loggers had stopped in for a couple rounds after a shift of work and a small group of kids around our age shooting pool in the back of the bar. We were running low on Jim Beam; it seemed to be the drink of choice for the evening, so I trudged back into the storage room to gather up a couple more bottles. I was tired and anxious for the night to be over, anxious for Friday to finally arrive. I scanned the shelves, pushing bottles and boxes out of my way as I searched, making a mental note to remind Jake to order some more.

When I was finally able to scrounge up two full bottles, I turned to head back into the bar but stopped short when I registered a figure leaning casually against the doorframe of the storage room.

In all honesty, at first, I thought I was losing it. Because, well, he _wasn't _here. I'd talked to him just this morning. He was supposed to be in Seattle for another twenty-four hours. I blinked, and when he was still there my heart faltered for a moment before it began pounding against my ribs.

I hated that he had this much of an effect on me – but I loved it just as much as I hated it.

He looked so nonchalant, the way his hands were resting in his pockets, his temple pressed to the doorframe, an amused smirk on his lips as he watched my reaction. And I just stood there, taking him all in, because god_damn _he looked good. Maybe my eyes had been accustomed to this, to this strange beauty, and now that it had been a few days I needed to adjust to him again. Like stepping out into an impossibly bright day, everything intense and blinding and you need a couple seconds to recover. Or maybe it was the shock of seeing him, here, in the bar, when only minutes ago I'd been imagining him back in his hotel room in Seattle, loosening his tie and unbuttoning the cuffs of his shirt after a long day of meetings. I imagined him maybe pouring himself a scotch on the rocks from a crystal decanter into a polished glass, because I knew he wasn't staying in no Forks Inn.

But nope. He was here.

He was here, his eyes crinkling around the edges as they laughed silently at me, waiting for me to do something.

He looked far more relaxed than he'd sounded over the phone even this morning. Maybe it was because he was home, or maybe... I didn't know. His face was shaven smooth, his hair somewhat tamed from it's usual disarray. He wore nothing but a simple white t-shirt, stretching nicely across his filled-out chest, and a faded pair of jeans.

My eyes travelled down, then back up, then slowly, so slowly, a smile grew on my face until I felt like it was about to split down the middle.

"Hey," he smirked, his lips lifted up into the crooked grin I'd missed oh so much.

I just continued staring into that pair of warm, smiling green eyes, words failing me.

"Surprise," he grinned, pulling his hands from the front pockets of his jeans, shrugging slightly. That gesture, the simple shrug and smirk on his lips, was absolutely the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. This elation, the joy, the feeling I couldn't describe that made me feel lighter than I had in years. And I just grinned. It was unconscious, like I couldn't have stopped it if I tried.

"Um." I glanced down at the bottles clenched in my fists and then back up at him, and in one swift movement he took the bottles from my hands, set them on the shelf behind me, and swept me up into his arms.

The laughter bubbled from deep in my chest as I hugged him back, throwing my entire body into the hug. The electricity between us seemed stronger than ever, my arms tight around his neck and my face buried in his shoulder. I just laughed and I felt his chest moving against mine in laughter too.

I was _giddy_.

_I _was giddy.

Because of _Edward. _

Oh, I was so in over my head. But I didn't care. Because he was here, a day early he was here, and I was fucking giddy.

I knew there was a more appropriate word for this feeling, but I didn't dare think it. Not that word that always destroyed everything. Not when I was feeling like this.

"You're early," I told him, placing a kiss on the smooth skin of his cheek. He smelt, well, just awesome. There really was no word to describe how this man smelt.

"I know," he laughed. That laugh, so real, so _happy. _

"I missed you," I said.

"I know."

I giggled and wriggled out of his arms, slapping him playfully on his shoulder. "Shut up."

His smile grew. "You missed me."

"I did not."

"You just told me you missed me."

"Maybe I lied."

"Oh yeah?" His eyebrow cocked and he laughed and a low rumble sounded from deep in his chest. Before I could react, his hands wrapping around my waist, and in one quick motion he swept me up off the ground, carrying me backwards into the storage room.

"Edward!" I squealed, a giggle escaping as I kicked my legs and tried to free myself of his grasp. He kicked the door shut behind him.

The second the slam sounded around us, echoing in the small room, metal hitting meal, his eyes locked on mine. Hungry eyes, desire burning like fire in his emerald greens. The door slammed and I stopped wiggling and our eyes met and my lips attacked his.

And oh God, it was a good thing Edward always seemed to be supporting me when we kissed, because there was no chance in hell my legs would be able to cooperate when he kissed me like _that. _

Yeah, a few days apart had sucked, but this… well this was almost worth it.

Strange, foreign noises escaped me as I tightened my legs around his waist, my fingers clutching the fabric of his t-shirt.

Without breaking the kiss, he pushed me backwards until my back hit the wall behind me. I hit the wall hard, not hard enough to knock the breath from my lungs but hard enough that it jolted me. His eyes met mine, widening with apology but before he could speak I grabbed the collar of his shirt and jerked him towards me. His body collided with mine and we both gasped into each other mouths with the force before we started kissing again, even harder than before. His hands hitched around the back of my knees and I wrapped my legs around him, roughly jerking his hips towards mine. I could feel him against me, hard, so fucking hard, and it was nearly impossible for me not to lose it right then and there.

Our not-really first time could be in the back storage room of a bar, couldn't it? I didn't know, but I sure as hell wasn't going to stop it.

He groaned as he placed his palms on the wall, on either side of my head, his fingers curling in as he took my bottom lip between his teeth. He released it and his tongue followed, sweeping the area he'd just bit and then darted into my mouth.

I tugged at the roots of his hair as our tongues slid against one another. He let out another strangled noise, spurring me on. Apparently Edward Cullen liked it rough. I could do rough.

And God, it was so desperate and raw. Our lips still working furiously against one another. Gasping and rubbing and jerking and biting.

"_Bella_," he gasped. His lips moved to my neck and my head lolled back, my hands left his hair and fisted his t-shirt, pulling him closer. "_Fuck."_

"I missed you," I panted, and then he was laughing, his body shaking against mine.

"I missed you too." He continued to laugh, and it wasn't long before I was joining him, flushed and breathless and not completely sure what we were laughing about. His head was buried in my shoulder, his mouth kissing bare skin, laughter still escaping his lips.

"Want to get out of here?" he asked softly.

"_Yes_," I said, but then my shoulders sagged. "But I -"

"Jake came in right behind me," Edward told me. "I'm sure if you ask, it won't be a problem."

I tried not to let myself feel too hopeful – but it was all I really wanted. I wanted him. I wanted tonight.

"Well, it's really not that busy…" I said as he gently lowered me to the ground.

"It's really not."

"If it's okay with Alice and Jake…"

"Come on." He took my hand and began leading me toward the door, two bottles of Jim Beam sitting forgotten on the shelf.

**x.x.x**

After a quick stop at the hotel, we went back to Edward's. We holed up in the basement; the house quiet and empty save for Clyde sleeping peacefully in his kennel upstairs. I changed into my pajamas and we settled on to Edward's bed, his room immaculate as always, his black suitcase propped open on the floor at the foot of the bed. I sipped a glass of water as Edward slipped into the bathroom to change. I rested back against the headboard, sipping my water. I was happy to be back here, back in his old grey t-shirt, back in his bed, back here with him.

But Edward seemed… nervous. I didn't know what that was about. I assumed maybe because… well, maybe this was it. We were _finally _taking that step. I didn't know that it was because he had things to tell me. I didn't know it was because he was about to bear his soul to me. I had no idea I was about to shed tears over his pain. I just sat there, sipping the water, sip, swallow, sip, swallow, as I waited for him to emerge from the bathroom.

Finally, the bathroom door opened and Edward came out, a pair of plaid pajama pants hanging from his hips. He smiled at me, but it was strained in a way, and I tried to return it without looking too anxious. He settled back against the headboard next to me, his legs stretched out in front of him. His movements seemed very purposeful, and when I looked down, I realized his hands were shaking. He cleared his throat and looked over at me, his trembling fingers playing absently with the hem of his shirt.

"We need to talk, Bella," he said quietly, his voice all gravelly and nervous. Instantly, my heart sank. That tone… it was never good. Before my mind could assume the worst, I remembered his reaction at seeing me. That smile, that smirk, those kisses… it definitely could be as bad as I assumed, right?

"Okay." My voice was shaky. I finished my glass over water and set it back on the nightstand. It wobbled slightly and I held my breath, expecting it to fall crashing to the floor but it righted itself and suddenly the room was silent. I turned to Edward. "What… what about?"

He was looking across the room, his eyes squinting and he paused like he was giving some serious thought to his response. "Things… things that you just have to know. About me. And this isn't going to be easy, Bella," he said quietly as he turned back to me. "I've never had to… never had to say a lot of this out loud before."

I really had no idea where he was going with this, but I sat and waited. I knew there was things he wanted to talk about, but I really didn't know what, and I didn't know why now. I wondered what bomb was about to be dropped. Wondered if we could get past it this time.

"Alice and Carlisle are really the only other people who know much about it… and even they don't know the whole story. But you need to know. Because otherwise… it's all just a lie."

"Okay…"

He looked at me, his pain stamped clearly across his face. "I know it's doesn't… _excuse _the things I've said to you, or my anger towards you… but maybe, maybe it will help explain. I don't expect you to understand, Bella. But I need you… I need you to hear me out."

"Okay," I said again, wondering if that was going to be the only word I'd be able to manage for the rest of the night.

Edward drew in a deep, shaky breath and his eyes gazed across the room, not focused on anything in particular. "So I guess… the best place to start is the beginning." If I wasn't so completely unnerved, I might have laughed. "And I guess it all starts after you left."

I nodded, trying to resist the urge to vomit. This was it. This was going to be painful. I knew it. I wasn't ready. But I couldn't stop it. I couldn't.

"I was just… I was in such a terrible place, the summer after graduation. I didn't fucking go anywhere, I didn't do anything. I was just… I don't know. Depressed, I supposed. I just moped around my house, I couldn't even think about going to school. I couldn't think about much of anything, you know. I just didn't do _anything_. I sat by my phone, I refused to leave my phone. I thought… maybe…" his green eyes flickered to mine for a second and I knew. He was waiting for my call. A call that would never come.

"Then one night… I just had to get out of the house. I had to. My dad was on my case, about something… I don't know, school probably. Whatever. I went for a walk, down by the pier. You know, where we used to…" His voice trailed off and I nodded. Of course I remembered.

"I don't know what I was doing. Torturing myself, maybe. I think there was a part of me that thought maybe, maybe I'd find you there. I don't know. But of course you weren't there. And I ran into some guys from our class – you remember Felix and Dem and their buddies?" I nodded again. The names rang a distant bell in my head, though the faces were fuzzy, the memories old and worn. "I didn't know them well, but they invited me to hang out so I did… had a few beers, and it was all right. It was the closest I'd come to forgetting in months, even if it was just for a while. Then after that, I started hanging out with them a little more, because it was fucking nice to get out, bullshit with people." He paused, a faraway look in his eye.

"Those guys… they weren't _bad _people. They were less fucked up than I was, but they… they made different choices than I did, you know? But I'll never forget where I was when I did my first line. We were hanging out at Dem's place, in the garage. I'd seen the guys do it before, but I never fucking touched it. They knew I wasn't into that shit so they never offered and to be honest, it scared the shit out of me." He shuddered. "There was this girl there… Heidi. She was Felix's cousin, a little bit older than us, in her twenties, and she was interested in me…" His voice had taken on a detached tone, like he was trying to avoid reliving his memories. My chest tightened as his words sunk in. Done his first line. Cocaine. His _first _line… which meant there'd been more after that first line. I pulled a stray pillow into my chest, curling my shaking body around it. And all I could think was _no. Don't. _I wished I could go back and stop him. I wish I could stop this now because I didn't know what was coming next. Except… I think I did. Edward didn't move, and he spoke almost like he'd forgotten I was there.

"We got drunk, and she wanted to do a couple lines with me. I had nothing to fucking lose… I was just so weak and lonely and I agreed. I saw those guys, I saw them do it all the time. And they weren't bad guys… they were so much less fucked up than me - at least that's what I kept telling myself. So we snuck into the guest room, and she arranged four white lines on a mirror she'd taken from her purse. Then she handed me a straw and told me what to do… It was so _cliché_," he almost laughed, "And she acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. So… I figured why not? Heidi was _normal_, she was going to school, she was getting a PhD in psychology for fucks sakes. So I did it. And I swear to god, Bella, I'd never felt more _alive_. I was fucking _unbeatable." _I watched the way his eyes sparked around the edges even just talking about it. I recoiled slightly, startled. That gleam – it was frightening. But Edward shook his head, as if clearing a bad thought. "I, uh…" he paused, and I had a feeling he was editing out some of the details. "After that… I started doing it with the guys on the weekends when we partied. I fucking lived for Friday night, just knowing that soon I'd be chillin' with the boys and I could fucking _forget_. I didn't even think twice about it… I didn't see anything wrong with it. You were gone and I could be normal, even if for just a few hours. It wasn't affecting anybody, I wasn't hurting anything… and I wasn't just some brokenhearted shell anymore. I just didn't want to _feel_. And it worked. You ran, and I snorted lines. Some people shop, they eat, they gamble… it's all to escape reality. Because for that one moment in time, you don't have to feel for the first time in months, I had something to look forward to. As fucked up as it sounds, that gave me hope. Hope that I wouldn't always be so sad and so angry. In my mind, the drugs were _curing _me. And I had it under control – or so I thought.

"For a long time, it was just the weekends… the first time I did it during the week was a Thursday night. I couldn't wait for Friday – I was having a bad fucking day… it was something stupid too, I think my iPod shuffled to Free Bird and I just couldn't… and I just needed it. We were down at the pier, and me and Dem went into the bathroom of Flavors and did a line on the counter."

"Flavors?" My face fell, my voice cracked as stared at him, my eyes unexpectedly filled with tears. Flavors was _ours_… mine and Edward's special place. Because usually when we went down to the pier for 'ice-cream', we'd brush the sand off our clothes, smooth our hair, and Edward would take my hand and walk me up to the quaint little ice-cream shop on the corner, with the pink and white striped veranda and matching umbrellas out front, and Edward would buy me a waffle cone with chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream. The owner, a large, cheerful Pilipino man named Amor used to start dishing out our order as we were walking up to the door, no matter how long of a line-up there was inside. He used to call me his _Ganda_, and I eventually found out from his wife that meant _beauty_. After I discovered that, every time I walked into that shop I'd be blushing, and he'd say it even more.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I wanted to laugh because it was so _stupid _but I felt like a kid who'd just been told Santa wasn't real.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." Edward's hand was on my cheek, brushing away my hot salty tears. "I thought… it was so stupid but I thought… I _hated _that place after you left. I needed to do something, put it behind me… and that was my solution. Believe me, that place was never the same again."

I shook my head, sniffing quietly. "I'm just being… I don't know. I'm such a stupid girl."

"You're _not_ a stupid girl, Bella," he said firmly. He grabbed my hand and gently kissed my palm.

I nodded and then shook my head, holding back another round of tears. "Keep going," I said softly.

He hesitated. "Well… after that, it turned into doing a couple lines a few nights a week… and then soon it was every fucking day. Eventually, it was all I could think about. I wasn't even myself anymore. I lied all the fucking time. My entire life was a fucking lie… and I got so good at it. My mom, she knew something was going on, but I think a part of her was just happy that I was out functioning in society again. She didn't want to know what I was really doing, but I always had a feeling she kind of knew. But it just wasn't enough to stop me. And when you don't want to feel anything… well… you just don't care about anything else.

"I was driving up to Hanna Park one Sunday afternoon to pick up an eight ball when I ran a red light and t-boned an old lady driving a green Civic. I was in such a fucking _hurry _to get my fix and I just blew right through the intersection… She was in the hospital for three months after that. I wrote off my car, busted up my face, broke my arm, cracked three ribs and my seatbelt ripped the fuck out of my side. I was only in the hospital for two nights though… and that lady… she lived there for _three months. _I couldn't even fucking look at myself after that. My dad threw me out the second he could. I slept at the pier, in our spot, for a week before my mom came and found me and told me that dad's brother, my Uncle Carlisle who I hadn't seen since I was a little kid, offered to take me in. I was on the next plane to Seattle."

A quiet sob escaped my throat and seemed to snap Edward from whatever trance he was in. He moved quickly, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me into his lap. I cried into his sleeve as he rocked me back and forth.

"Bella, I'm sorry." His voice was brimming with pain and anguish. His chin rested on the top of my head and he tightened his grip around me.

I closed my eyes and I could see it. Edward's old silver Volvo, blasting through the intersection. But it wasn't Edward in the drivers seat, he was there, but it wasn't _him. _His eyes were black, unfamiliar… the eyes of a stranger. And I cringed as I felt his pain, the accident… the guilt. Broken bones and stitches and his defeated body curled up in the sand by the pier. And it was so much. It was all too much.

I found myself talking, blubbering, tears streaming down my face. "Sometimes, I'd be some place, I'd wonder where you were, what you were doing. Sometimes… I hoped you were in pain. I hoped you were suffering, because I sure as hell was. But I'd never wish this on you, Edward. Never."

"Bella," he said soothingly, and I didn't understand how _he _could be the one soothing _me. _"I know… I know I made some terrible decisions. But it's not you. Maybe I blamed you for a long time… I was so angry that this is what my life had become. And maybe it took you showing up here, knocking me off my path of blame and anger and self-destruction… it took that for me to _see_. It wasn't you, it was never _you_. I broke your heart, I couldn't be there for you… and I made those decisions. Nobody held a gun to my head. I wanted to blame you, it was so _easy. _But it wasn't right."

I rubbed my face on the back of my palm, wiping away warm tears. I'd never regretted leaving Jacksonville. Not once. Not until now.

"Is there more?" I sniffed, tightening my grip on the pillow in my lap as Edward tightened his hold around me.

"Yes," he said quietly.

I remained silent and shaking as I waited for him to continue.

He let out a long breath and began speaking. "I cleaned up for awhile after I came to live in Washington… enough so that I decided I wanted to go to school, and got an apartment in Seattle. I was really busy at first, with the move and then classes… but eventually everything caught up with me again. I was lonely as fuck, in a strange city with hardly anyone I knew. I had Oxycontin left over from the accident and it wasn't long before I was doing it every day… and I was back doing coke and pretty much anything else I could get my hands on. I somehow managed to get myself through two years of that shit… I don't know how I did it. It's all such a fucking blur to me now." He shook his head in disgust.

Then his voice changed, and he sounded even more detached, "I reached my lowest point in January, two and a half years ago. It was just after winter break… I'd spent Christmas day just getting beyond fucked up, alone in my apartment. I was depressed, I wasn't fucking eating, the only place I ever went was to my drug dealer's, and I never fucking answered my phone. I dropped out of school… I just never went back after winter semester started up. I didn't see a point. I was fucking dying, Bella. I'd come so close, so many fucking times, and I knew it. A part of me just wanted to die… I never thought I'd get better. The only end to the cycle was death. I was sure of it."

A sob escaped my throat and his eyes got that distant look in them again. "On January 25th, 2008 I got the call. My phone rang a lot that day, and the days that followed. I was too fucking out of it to even check my messages. But two days later, Alice and Carlisle came to Seattle." His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat quietly. He pressed his forehead to my temple, his mouth so close to my ear, his breath on my cheek. He was shaking, his breathing labored and I was too afraid to look… too afraid to see his tears. He let out a cry of pain before he spoke, and he fumbled with the words, like they'd never been spoken out loud before, "They told me my mom died. She - she had cancer, and she knew she was dying, and she never told anybody. Didn't want our sympathy or… or something." He fist tightened around the fabric of my shirt and he tugged at it in anger. "I hadn't seen her in over a fucking _year_. My own fucking mother. I hardly remember my last visit to see her… I was high as shit and got into a huge argument with my dad over who the hell knows what. I stormed out of their house and that was… that was the last time I saw her. She was crying. And she was fucking begging me not to leave. But I just blew past her, so fucking pissed and I just left… And I hadn't talked to her in months. I couldn't… I didn't even get to wish her a Merry Christmas. I was just so… fucked up." Edward's voice shook and I buried my face into the pillow, unable to hold back any longer, his pain, my pain. My body was rocking with the agony, but he continued like if he stopped, it would be harder. Like ripping off a band-aid.

"She died, and I didn't find out for two fucking days after because I was too much of a goddamn fuck up to answer my phone." His voice broke, and suddenly his face was in my shoulder, his body shaking with mine. I wrapped my arms around him, me soothing him, my own tears streaming down my face. I felt like I was reliving it all, right next to him. I felt like I'd just lost Elizabeth… when really, I had. She was dead. Elizabeth was dead, and she had been for over two years. And I had no idea.

It was a few moments before Edward began speaking again. "When Alice and Carlisle came… I didn't believe them at first," he said, his voice thick with tears and muffled by my shirt. "I threw them out and said some terrible, terrible things to the both of them. Carlisle knew after that, how fucked up I was. I'd always been able to keep it from them. We were never that close, at least not in the beginning. He was my uncle I hardly knew, Alice was my cousin I knew literally nothing about… And they'd given me a second chance. I always told them I was too busy to visit, but I called often, when I could. Alice would visit and Esme would send food, and we grew close, but never _too _close. I knew to keep my distance. I put up such an act for them for two years and they had no idea. I mean, before then, I was functioning at a surprisingly normal capacity. I went to school, did my homework, kept my apartment clean, called them on their birthdays. Looking at me, you probably would never know that under the surface I was this hardcore junkie. And then they walked in on my lowest of lows, and Carlisle realized he had to do something. Because the drugs were fucking killing me… and I didn't know… maybe I wanted them to."

My eyes were squeezed shut so tightly I was dizzy. I felt like this wasn't happening, like none of this could be real. It was just some stupid story Edward was telling, because shit like that didn't happen to people I knew. It was a joke. It had to be a joke. Soon he would laugh and tell me it was some sick joke. He had to.

Because she couldn't be dead. Elizabeth couldn't be dead. And Edward never could have been like that. He never could have been that person. It couldn't be real.

"After I locked Carlisle and Alice out of my apartment, I called home. My – my mom's sister, my aunt Marcy picked up and I knew right away that Carlisle hadn't been lying. I hung up the phone without a word… and then… that's all I really remember. The next week there was nothing besides brief flashes. I remember sitting down on the plane… then the airport in Florida. I missed the funeral, hardly made it for the burial. My mother's only child missed her fucking funeral. It's something I will never forgive myself for."

I glanced to the side, tears blurring my vision as threw the pillow to the side and wrapped my shaking arms around him, desperate to comfort him, or to do something… anything. His eyes were squeezed shut, tears rolling down his cheeks. And it was just so much… too much… the pain. I couldn't stand it, I couldn't stand seeing him in this much pain. But I couldn't speak; words weren't enough, so I held him. I held him as he held me and continued his story.

"In Florida… I remember drinking, a lot. I remember being at the graveyard, staring at the fresh mound of dirt covering her body, and I remember wishing that it were me instead of her. She was so _good. _She didn't deserve to die… but I did. I remember it raining… I remember spending the nights walking the streets, looking for you. And I remember fighting with my father. I was so, so angry that he buried her there, in Florida, the place she lived but never really wanted to be. She deserved so much more… she deserved to have her ashes spread in the back streets of Italy and in the countryside somewhere… somewhere quiet and peaceful, because that's all she ever wanted. She never got that in life, we owed it to her to let her rest where she wanted. Where she deserved. I told him he never knew my mother, not really. I punched him in the face and he just _stood there_. He just let me hit him… and I gave up. I left. And I haven't been back.

"Alice came to my apartment a few days after I got back to Seattle. Somehow, she'd convinced Carlisle to let her come alone. She flushed all my drugs, packed a couple boxes with my shit and brought me back with her to Forks. When she came and got me, I could feel no emotion. No remorse, so anger, no … nothing. I'd just given up.

"She told me later how impossibly hard that was for her to do, but she was so fucking _strong. _I just didn't even have it in me to fight her. Deep down, I knew she was right. I needed serious help. I was adamant about not going to rehab, and I promised Alice I would try. I was so, so sick for the following weeks. The withdraws kicked the shit out of my body… I thought I was going to die – and I truly _wanted_ to, Bella. I never thought I could do it. But Alice held my hand every step of the way. She'd sit on the edge of my bed and talk to me or sing to me or just fucking _hold _me… I know how hard it must have been for her to see. I said terrible things to her; I probably wanted to kill her at times for putting me through it. But together with Carlisle's help, eventually we got through the worst of it. I owe Alice my life. I will always be indebted to her."

Edward let out a shaky breath. His skin was flushed, his shirt damp and sticking to him. "Since then, I've slipped up, but Al… she's always been there. Always understood and helped me get through it. It's better now, but I will always be an addict. The thought will always be there, in the back of my mind. The dreams will always come, and the cravings. But I am so much stronger now than I used to be. I'm not that person anymore, Bella."

"How can you be so sure?" The words were hardly a whisper, and I hadn't even meant to say it out loud.

He hesitated, and then he moved to wipe the tears from his face. "Because… my biggest motivation to stay clean has been the pain. I can't stand hurting people again. Even if it was just Alice, and Carlisle, and Esme… and now you. I can't do it. I _won't."_

"Yeah, but-"

"Bella." He cut me off. I could tell he was trying to be patient, but the frustration in his voice betrayed him. "Why do you think I'm telling you all this? It's not easy for me. But you need to know… because you need to know I've already hurt everybody who's ever cared about me. And I won't do it again. That's all I can give you – my promise. And… I guess… it's up to you to decide if you trust me or not."

I just there, shaking. Everything and nothing ran through my head. Thoughts flew past me so fast I didn't get a chance to focus on any of it. I felt like I was in a daze, and I don't know how long I just _sat there_ before I spoke.

"When was the last time you did it?" I asked quietly, my voice raw, terrified.

When he didn't reply right away, I knew it couldn't be good. He was perfectly still, his breathing choppy, and I wondered if he _really _thought I wouldn't ask that question. My heart raced as I awaited his answer. What if it had been after I arrived in Forks? That night of I've Never? Or the first night… when we fought in the storage room? Or even since then? In Seattle… at the lake? All the possibilities ran through my mind, and I felt like I was going to hyperventilate, because what if, maybe, he wasn't better at all?

He lied. He was such a good liar. He even a_dmitted _it.

It was a deal breaker. If he was honestly still doing blow… I didn't give a fuck about how often it was. I couldn't. I wouldn't. This would be it. It would be all over.

Maybe Jasper knew exactly what he was doing when he ordered the part for the Mustang after all.

"Bella, it's not as bad as you think."

"When?" I pleaded.

"The last time I had a craving to… it was the night we played I Never. But I didn't do it, Bella. I swear. And the last time I did… it was before you came here. Before I left to go to Seattle on vacation. That's why I had to go. Because, sometimes, just a change in scenery helps."

"So is that what I am? Just another change in scenery?"

"Bella, you _know _that's not what this is."

"Do I?"

"Bella." His eyes were wide and pleading and he just looked so damn… _vulnerable_. My heart gave in a little.

And then, before I even knew what was happening, I was crying again. Like… bawling. Crying harder than I had in years. And I didn't know what came over me as Edward scrambled to comfort me, rubbing my back, his fingers brushing hair out of my face. I was a mess, my nose was running, my face soaked, my breathing hard and I just _cried. _I was sick of the pain and I was sick of losing people and I was tired of being afraid… I'd had enough of this rollercoaster ride I seemed to be on, the ups and downs jerking my emotions around, wearing down my spirit. I was tired and I just wanted to be _happy. _I was sick of the drama and sick of feeling this way. I wanted happiness and I wanted stability and I wanted to be normal.

"Bella, I'm sorry. Bella, I'm so, so sorry." Edward's voice was in my ear, murmuring those words over and over as he rocked us back and forth. Back and forth. And I couldn't tell anymore if it was only my tears running down my cheeks.

And it was so sad, so pathetic crying over things we couldn't control or change. But there were things here, now, that I could change. I could control. I could let this eat away at me, tear me down, pull us apart. Or I could love him – faults and mistakes and regrets and all of it. Every part of him. All or nothing – that's all we had. And I wanted it all.

The tears slowed, the sobs quieted, the pain receded.

And what it was replaced with was something stronger than I'd ever felt before in my life.

We had the power to change this. We had the power to stop feeling like this, to stop feeling guilty and broken and have something beautiful. Something real. Life sucked – we'd lost so much and made terrible decisions, but we were still here. And because of that, I felt hope.

Edward was still apologizing when I started kissing him. And he kissed me back, still apologizing, only not in words. We were so messed up – everybody was just messed the fuck up – but we had each other. And right now, that's all that mattered.

His shirt came off first, and then mine. Our bodies trembled when we fell backwards, our landing broken by his soft mattress. He was above me, our chests pressed together, our lips never leaving each others. Our faces were still wet, our hearts still cracked and scarred, our bodies spent. But when his hand trailed up my arm and swept across my palm and his fingers found the spaces between mine, I knew it would be okay. We all have breaks, we all had faults. But I had Edward now, and he found those empty spaces and filled them with his own. Like the gaps between my fingers pressed between his.

And a part of me was being filled by him; a part I'd long forgotten even existed.

I ran one of my fingers down the scar on his side. I realized that not everything heals. Not completely. We always will have those reminders… but we also have moments like this, when the confusion is suddenly washed away by clarity, moments where the only way you know you're doing something right is when you feel it in your heart. And those moments don't leave scars, but it's something you never forget either.

Edward pulled my shorts down to my knees and I kicked them to the floor. His pants followed. And then we were naked. We were exposed. We were broken.

But we were here.

We held and we loved and we touched and kissed the pain away. Every breath I took in, I wanted to draw away his anguish. I wanted to feel it fill my body, never wanted him to know pain again.

It was silent and beautiful, faces wet, desperate hands, swollen lips. And we were a mess but we were a mess together. We were scared of being here together, and we were scared of being here alone. He pushed in and out of me so hard and fast and held me so tight it felt like he was proving he could keep me there. Nothing would ever drag us apart again. He could hold on. That this… this was enough.

His sheets tangled around us and were eventually kicked off to the floor, joining a heap of our clothes. His fingers stroked my skin, his lips murmured beautiful things into my ear that didn't make sense but didn't have to because nothing about this made sense. We'd been through too much for how few years we'd walked this earth and it wasn't right and it wasn't fair – but for now, we could have each other and that was enough.

There were no boundaries, no space between us. We were real and raw, Edward and Bella, broken and scared. We were desperate to escape, desperate to feel each other, and we licked and touched and breathed away the past and the lies and the mistakes.

We loved until we were spent, then loved some more. Until the daylight began to peek through his curtains, until our bodies wouldn't move and our eyes began to betray us. He pulled the sheet from the floor and wrapped us up together, our bodies still trembling, our skin still on fire, and our hearts full.

**x.x.x**

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**This was… really, really difficult for me to write. Unfortunately, a lot of this hits close to home. But I expected this to be hard when I first came up with the story, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart if this is a sensitive issue for any of you. Ummm… group hug? I could use it. **

**Reviews? I'd really freaking appreciate it, guys. This was a huge chapter, and I'd love to know your thoughts. Plus, I'm feeling all emo-Train right now. Blah. **


	19. High Tide

_Chapter 19: High Tide_

**Thanks to Kapers, my superhero beta. And there are a couple announcements at the bottom of the page for you guys. Oh, and the Fourth of July that is talked about in this chapter is completely real and happens in Forks every summer. I did my research. No biggie :) **

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**And I wonder  
If everything could ever feel this real forever  
If anything could ever be this good again**

_**Foo Fighters – Everlong**_

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**Bella. **

I could taste the salt on the breeze that whipped down the crescent-shaped shoreline of beach as I stood ankle deep in the Pacific Ocean. The dark turbulent ocean water was spotted with tall, rocky, tree-studded islands that eventually faded into the mist, where the waters met the cloudy, grey sky in the never-ending horizon beyond. The water crashing against my legs was icy cold and I was almost fighting to stay vertical as the relentless gusts of wind pushed against my body.

Besides, Alice, Jasper, Edward, and myself, the beach was practically deserted. After about a mile and a half hike through the thick, green forest we'd arrived at Third Beach, sliding over slick wet driftwood and stumbling over the rocky shoreline as we raced to the water's edge. It was high tide, so we couldn't go exploring in the tide pools as I had hoped we could, but watching the waves crash against the sea stacks was almost just as fascinating. Water sprayed up in the air with every wave, making it look like the cliffs were spitting the white, foamy water into the sky, like Mother Nature's fountain.

From the corner of my eye I watched Alice and Edward huddled together on a piece of driftwood, laughing as they gazed out into the ocean, their hair blowing against their red, wind burned cheeks. Edward caught my eye and winked, and I felt the smile on my face widen as I winked back and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and pulled up the hood of my jacket.

I could hear someone entering the water from behind me, and I glanced back to see Jasper picking his way across the shore, cursing under his breath as he made it to my side.

"How in the hell can you stand this?" he asked as he hopped from foot to foot, still swearing and hissing at the cold water. "It's freezing."

I just shrugged, a smile curling on my lips as I watched him doing some kind of jig until finally his skin grew accustomed to the temperature and he was able to stand it without hopping around like a crazy person.

And we stood in silence, breathing in the salty air and staring out into the mist, frigid waters crashing against our knees. I reached out for his hand and slipped mine in his, and pulled down our sleeves to keep our fingers warm. And we stood there quiet, holding hands, and I'd missed this, oh so much.

Ever since Alice's birthday, things around here had changed. I wouldn't say the Jasper and I were drifting apart necessarily, because he still was my best friend and he the only family I had. But everything was shifting, silently and slowly, like the ground we stood on, but at the end of every day the difference was there just the same. Something was happening between all of us, relationships were being reshaped; some solidified some crumbling apart. Things were changing, but not in the way I had ever expected. Take Jasper and Edward, for example. They were, well, they were actually getting along. A couple nights ago, Alice and I had wandered home from work at around two-thirty and found them hanging out in the garage, drunk, and just listening to music and _talking_. And what I would give to have been a fly on the wall that night. They never used to just hang out. Ever. But I think after everything that's happened, especially at the cabin, everybody's just realized how ridiculous we were being. It was exhausting, keeping up with it all.

I think… maybe we were growing up. And it was weird.

But things weren't all fine and dandy sunshine and rainbows, not yet. Because for as well as things between Edward and Jasper were, they were almost just as bad for Alice and Jasper. I don't know what happened exactly, or how it even happened, but for the past few weeks they had been slowly and quietly drifting apart. There had been no huge fight, no screaming matches, no one event that had changed the way they saw each other…. It had happened so gradually and before our very eyes that it was impossible to know even what was going on. They weren't heartbroken and they didn't hate each other. Hell, most people hadn't noticed. But of course I had. And of course Edward had. But neither of us had any idea what to do.

Jasper and I had talked about it, but he didn't really have an explanation either. It seemed it all began the night of Alice's birthday – they both had wanted some time to process what had happened. He still stayed at their place sometimes, but not as much as he used to. They still talked and laughed, but their smiles faded quickly and they watched each other with a sadness that hadn't been there before. It was heartbreaking – though I think I was more affected by the whole ordeal than Jasper and Alice combined.

Coming down to the beach today had been Edward's idea – he had thought maybe a day out and a change of scenery would do everybody good. Emmett and Rose had opted to stay back for some "alone time" – which had made us raise our eyebrows and snicker behind their backs. But word was their date had gone really well and they just wanted to hang out – out of the shop and bar where they usually saw each other. They were so cute, but honestly the last thing I expected was for the two of them to be doing so well and for Alice and Jasper to, well, not.

"You doing okay?" I turned to Jasper.

Jasper turned his head, his gaze falling on mine. The corners of his eyes crinkled up into a half-hearted smile. "Bella, I'm fine. Quit worrying about me so much."

I rolled my eyes, brushing stray hair off my face with my free hand. "Sorry." I watched as his eyes darted to Alice for the briefest of moments before he gazed back to the horizon. He wasn't as fine as he pretended to be – but he'd come to me to talk when he was ready. He always did. At least… he used to. I hoped that hadn't changed, too.

"So I heard Edward talked to you last week." He spoke with his eyes still on the turbulent water.

I shifted uncomfortably as another frigid wave crashed against my knees. Mine and Edward's talk had been over a week ago - and neither of us had brought it back up again. Not that it was something I wanted to spend a lot of time dwelling on - it had been impossibly painful for both of us. And I was more than happy to turn my back on the whole ordeal and forget about it, even though deep down I knew it wasn't the right way to handle these things.

Jasper turned to me and I realized he was awaiting a response. So I cleared my throat and nodded. "Uh, yeah. Did you know about that? About what he had to tell me, I mean."

He nodded slowly. "Alice… she needed someone to talk to about it, a while ago. It was his story to tell you, though."

I honestly wasn't surprised Jasper already knew. From what I gathered, the past few years had been just as hard on Alice as they were on Edward, and it was understandable she would need someone to turn to as well. What I was surprised by was the fact that Jasper didn't sit me down and tell me the story himself, hoping to scare me off Edward for good. Just when I was beginning to believe we really were past all the petty games, I registered a slight resentment in Jasper's voice that gave him away.

"You didn't think I'd forgive him so easily." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Not really," Jasper shrugged. "But it wasn't the forgiveness I expected him to have a hard time earning."

"What then?" I asked, turning to him in confusion.

"Your trust," Jasper said quietly, his eyes meeting mine. "I didn't expect you to trust him so easily."

"Oh."

"Do you? Trust him?"

I blew out a breath. _Did_ I trust him? It wasn't anything I'd actually thought about. Maybe there would always be the slightest glimmer of fear in my mind when it came to Edward – fear that something would happen and we couldn't be together anymore. Fear that either one of this would ruin this in one fell swoop, or that something else, something beyond either of our control would take us apart. But that was a rational fear with any couple, or so I assumed. That fear had been there long before anything bad had ever happened between Edward and I – because after you give your heart to someone, you're more vulnerable than ever before. But now, of course, there was a new fear, the slightest doubt in the back of my mind. Because although Edward had been fighting his addiction for a while, he hadn't been clean for very long. So of course I was concerned about it. But did that mean I didn't trust him? He'd told me he would never hurt me again. Promised never to touch the drugs again. And if I didn't believe him, then I would never feel the way about him that I felt right now, right? And he seemed so _sure. _That had to stand for something.

"I trust him," I said finally, looking into Jasper's troubled grey eyes as I spoke.

Jasper just smirked at me, an expression that didn't match the doubt on his face, but he didn't say anything else.

"Bella, Jazz! Come here for a second!" I glanced over my shoulder and saw Alice waving Jasper and I over to the log where her and Edward sat. I looked over at Jasper and we shrugged at each other and began stepping carefully through the water to the beach.

Alice grinned at me as we approached and I settled in on the other side of Edward, and Jazz took a seat beside Alice.

I kissed Edward on his scruffy cheek as I sat down. "Hey," I smiled.

"Hey," he said, tugging on the hood of my jacket. "You must be freezing."

"It's not so bad," I shrugged, but when he bent down and hitched my legs over his lap, spinning me so I was sitting sideways and leaning all my weight against him, I didn't complain. Edward rubbed my icy white feet between his palms, emerald eyes sparkling at me.

"I have to talk to you about something," he said. Usually those words were enough to turn my stomach to ice, but the light in his eyes and the smile on the corner of his lips told me this wasn't something to fear.

"All right," I said. "About what?"

"Something I've wanted to tell you for a while. But… I wanted to wait for everything to settle down for a bit before I sprung it on you. Don't be worried or anything, it's nothing bad," he assured me. "But I wanted it to be like this… because I wanted Jasper to hear it from me too."

I quirked an eyebrow and shrugged at Jasper's questioning glance. I had no clue where Edward was going with this. I looked at Alice, but the expression on her face wasn't giving anything away either.

"All right, shoot," I said finally, the anticipation enough to do me in.

"Okay, well…" Edward cupped both my feet in one of his hands and rubbed his jaw line with the back of his fingers of his opposite hand. "I guess there's really no easy way to ease you into this but…" he looked up, his eyes meeting mine. "You were born in Forks, Bella."

At first, I didn't really hear him. Or I didn't process it right away. I just kept watching him rub his jaw, watching the way the back of his knuckles rubbed up and down the stubble, waiting for the next bomb to be dropped. But the way he was watching me, waiting for a reaction, I realized he must have already spilled it. And as I replayed his words in my mind, my mouth fell open and I gaped at him.

_I. Was born. In Forks? _

"How do you _know _that?" I asked.

He shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "Well… the night of your show, Alice's mom and dad – Esme and Carlisle – were there." I nodded slowly. Despite how fantastically shit hammered I'd gotten that night, I remembered meeting Edward's sweet aunt and drop-fuck gorgeous uncle right after the show.

"And… Esme recognized you – well, she recognized the guitar first, I think," he smiled. "But she knew your mom. And, um… and your dad." He spoke so quietly I hardly made out the last three words over the howling wind.

"_She knew my dad?" _The words were hardly a whisper on the wind, but suddenly I felt like my world was spinning. I looked over at Jasper to see how he was taking the news. He looked about as shocked at I felt, and his eyes were on me, a mixture of concern and surprise on his face.

My _dad_. My dad. She knew my dad. I shot up, sitting up with my back ramrod straight, my eyes searching Edward's, desperate to find an answer or a clue. My dad was here? He couldn't be here… could he? But if he wasn't here, then where the hell _was_ he?

"W-what do you mean she _knew _my dad? Is he here?" My words were rushed together. I felt the slightest glimmer of hope, that my dad was here, or somewhere. I had family. Real family somewhere out there. Tears fell from my eyes and I knew they weren't only a product of the cool wind blowing against my face.

"He died, Bella. Before you were born," Edward spoke quietly. "I'm so sorry."

"Oh." Just like that. Another blow to the stomach. Another crack in the heart. I felt Alice reach out and squeeze my hand as Edward's arm snaked around my back and I slumped against him. I felt ridiculous mourning for a father that I had never known, or who had never known me.

"But Bella, there's more," Alice said, and I looked up into her wide hazel eyes and she looked just far too excited for this kind of story.

"Great," I laughed sarcastically. And I felt kind of betrayed because Edward told me it wasn't bad… I didn't want there to be tears. I was so fucking sick of the tears.

"We knew you when you were little," she said, sounding rushed, "Edward and me and you… Esme used to babysit you because she's your godmother and your mom was going through a lot and Edward used to visit all the time back then, and you guys knew each other! When you were babies. Isn't that cool?"

I wiped away the tears as I processed her words. "Ummm… what?" I glanced up at Edward. "I knew you when I was a baby?"

Edward gave me my favorite lopsided grin. "Yeah. Esme said we used to hang out together in the crib all the time. And poor Alice would get jealous."

I felt myself smiling, because more than anything I wanted to believe the story was true. Even if it wasn't – just the thought was enough. "Are you guys fucking with me right now?"

"No!" Alice and Edward both exclaimed together and then laughed.

I rubbed my eyes. "And Esme's my godmother? Seriously, you guys."

"She is," Edward squeezed my hand. "And she's been going out of her mind, she's so excited to talk to you. She can sometimes have the energy of her daughter. And the impatience." Edward's eyes sparkled when he glanced at Alice and laughed.

"Huh." I blew out a long breath, resting my head on Edward's shoulder. "This is crazy, right? I can't… I just… I had no idea." I laughed at my own inability to articulate anything.

"It is crazy," Edward agreed, looking down at me with smiling eyes. "But it's kind of cool, right? Being here, in the same place your mom and dad fell in love."

"It is," I agreed, a matching smile creeping on my lips. The same place my mom and dad fell in love… the same place that maybe Edward and I would… again.

The sun broke through the clouds and I tugged down the hood of my jacket, squinting against the sudden brightness and snuggling into Edward's side as he and Alice took turns telling me about what they'd uncovered about my father. What he did, how he died… I listened quietly, still having a difficult time wrapping my head around all of it. But it wasn't doubt and confusion and sadness I felt, but relief after the years and years of wondering and speculating and giving up hope of ever knowing anything about my father. But finally I knew. And finally, it was another thing I could lay to rest.

That evening, after we got home and I brushed the tangles from my hair and changed into some clean, dry clothes, Edward and I went to Esme and Carlisle's – my _godparent's_ –for supper. Edward's aunt and uncle were my godparents. That alone was still incomprehensible.

They were both so sweet and so welcoming, greeting both Edward and I with hugs and kisses on the cheek. They lived in a large house on the outskirts of town, a place that reflected the warmth and friendliness of Edward's aunt and uncle.

"You guys look like you've had a long day outside," Esme laughed when she looked us over, her thumbs brushing over Edward's reddened cheeks as she released him from his hug.

"We went down to Third Beach," Edward told her.

"Did you?" Esme's face lit up. "Was the tide out?"

"No," I said, sticking my bottom lip out in a mock-pout. "I'm making Edward take me back when it is, though. I'd go alone, but I don't trust myself not to break a leg on the hike out there. But I love exploring tide pools."

Esme laughed. "It's amazing how much there is to find beneath the surface of those waters," she agreed. "I have quite the sea-shell collection. And your mother, she was always convincing us to help her find beach glass."

I saw Edward's gaze dart nervously to mine, but I grinned. "She tried to make a bowl once by gluing together pieces of beach glass. Failed miserably, of course."

Esme's laugh was loud and jovial, and I instantly saw how easily her and my mother must have been friends. "That sounds like Renee."

Then, suddenly, Esme's face was serious and she was at my side, hugging me again. "I was devastated when I heard the news, Bella. I'm so sorry, sweetheart. These past few years must have been rough on you."

And I just found myself embracing the hug, unable to find the words to make this easier.

"But I'm glad you found us again, kiddo," she said quietly as she released me. "Even if you had no idea what you were walking into."

"Thanks," I smiled. "And thank you for being so welcoming. You guys have an amazing home. And supper smells awesome."

Esme laughed quietly. "Speaking of which, dinner's on the table." She started leading me through the living room. "And you're welcome here anytime, sweetheart."

I just grinned, and wondered if it would be weird if I just grabbed her and kissed her. If she was anything like Alice… then probably not weird at all. But I wasn't sure how Edward would feel about my full-on affection towards his family members. I giggled quietly to myself, a fucked up incest-filled SNL skit flashing through my head.

"You kids have a pretty big weekend coming up, huh?" Carlisle said as he led us all towards their large dining room off the kitchen.

"We do?" I asked, turning to Edward.

"Fourth of July," Carlisle answered, and honestly, Edward looked just as surprised as me.

"That's _this _weekend?" he sputtered.

"What's so important about the Fourth of July?" I asked, taking a seat in the chair Edward pulled out for me.

Carlisle and Edward just kind of blinked at me.

"Bella… you do know-"

"Oh, shut up Edward, I _know _what the Fourth of July is. But, I mean, what's the big deal in Forks? Most small towns just do their fireworks deal and maybe the odd barbeque, and that's it."

Carlisle chuckled, "Well, Forks kind of makes a bigger deal out of than just a fireworks show. We have what's called the Old Fashioned Fourth of July and it runs all weekend. There's a ton of stuff going on, not to mention Quileute Days going on down in La Push. There's a lot happening. You girls will have a _very _busy weekend." Carlisle raised his eyebrows. The bar. Right. Of course The Whiskey would be extra special busy for the Fourth of July.

"Jake's having the pancake breakfast on Sunday morning. I'm surprised he hasn't talked to you about it yet," Edward said, raising an eyebrow.

I shrugged. "Well, it's only Monday. Maybe he was going to talk to us about it tomorrow or something."

"Maybe."

"Carmen and Eleazar are coming down," Esme told us, setting a steaming plate of vegetables on a hot plate in the middle of the table. "It might be the last time we see them before they're _grandparents_." Esme grinned scandalously.

"Who's…?" I looked to Edward.

"Esme and Carlisle's friends," Edward explained quickly. "You know… Tanya's parents."

"Oh." I didn't know, of course. But I'd heard enough about Tanya to pray that it didn't mean she'd be here. I glanced up quickly at Edward, and he shook his head slightly, as if reading my thoughts. I let out a sigh of relief and began dishing up my plate.

So we sat around the dinner table, laughing in between bites of delicious food as Esme shared stories of young Renee and Charlie. I grinned at the beautiful lady across the table, wondering why in the world my mother would lose touch with such an amazing friend. Esme described my mother as a sister, telling us tales of how they'd gotten themselves into trouble many a time as youngsters, sneaking out late at night and meeting up with the boys down at the baseball field, pouring vodka into their slushies under the tables of the school cafeteria, faking sleepovers at each other's houses to spend a night with Carlisle and Charlie. It was all typical teenage shenanigans, but it was a life my mother would never have spoken of. And I hated that I'd never be able to hear the stories from Renee's mouth.

After we finished our meal and got the kitchen put back together, we sat around in the living room and Esme lugged out a few old photo albums. We all gathered around, giggling at the images of Esme and Renee, twenty-some years younger, sitting next to each other on a twisted piece of driftwood, or barefoot on a sandy beach, or on couches in friends' basements. They were laughing, cheeks red, beers in hand almost every other picture. And Renee with her guitar, never without with her guitar. Halfway through the album, I noticed another common trend – a young man, often sitting off to the side, always looking rather quiet and pensive, but his eyes were on my mother in almost every picture, and a hopeful smile lit up his face. It didn't take me long to realize that this young man was my father.

Charlie Swan. And I smiled as my fingers grazed over his face, searching it for hints of mine.

We handed Esme back what had to be the fourth or fifth large album and she slid that last one across the table to Edward and I. I was surprised when it wasn't Renee and Esme's face I was met with, but Alice's. It was unmistakably her, Baby Alice, with a round, chubby face, wild dark hair and a toothy grin. As I flipped the pages, another baby was introduced. Edward as a newborn, cradled in his mother's arms in some dreary white-walled hospital room. Tears sprang to my eyes and my heart ached as I looked into the beaming face of Elizabeth as she gazed down at her son with a smile that lit up the room. I wiped the tears with the back of my hand before they could fall and quickly flipped the page, knowing that it had to be even harder for Edward to see. And what I was met with on the next page suddenly washed away my tears and brought a smile to my face and did something completely different to my heart.

"It's us," I breathed softly, my fingers dancing over the photo of the two babies, dressed in matching Onesies, lying side by side in a blue playpen on the floor. I grinned as I turned to Edward and kissed him, not caring that his aunt and uncle we right there, averting their eyes uncomfortably. I kissed him because it was all here, the proof before my eyes. I had known Edward long before his first day of high school in Jacksonville. Long before that moment in the hallway, where I'd been walking to class, completely unsuspecting of the gangly boy with the strange reddish hair that would turn around at his locker and bump shoulders with me. I had known him long before long before that innocent bump, that shy smile, long before that moment that changed my life forever.

And that night, when I got back to Edward's, I found a folded up picture in the pocket of my jacket. I smoothed out the crease down the middle and stared down at the happy, smiling couple beaming up at me. Renee in a knee-length white dress, a bouquet lilacs clutched to her chest as she laughed, her face lit up like she'd just won the lottery. Her hand was clutching the arm of Charlie Swan, who was looking slightly uncomfortable in a brown suit and tie, but a smile on his face that melted my heart as he laughed with my mother, his hand covering hers.

And on the back was written _Charlie and Renee, March 1, 1987. _It was only six months before I was born. And I wanted to laugh because it was so classically Renee to get married six months before she was due.

I wiped the tears off the old photo and propped it up on Edward's nightstand on my side of the bed before I crawled under the covers and quickly slipped into a deep sleep, dreaming happy dreams of my mother and Charlie Swan and of two new-born babies, laying side-by-side, without the slightest clue at everything the world was about to throw at them.

**x.x.x**

**Edward. **

"Hey, Bella, you got a second?"

She was ignoring me. She was ignoring me because I was annoying her. And she was busy and, well, annoyed – and it was cute. I was grinning as I leaned over the bar and tugged on the rag hanging from the back pocket of her jeans. Her tight, dark jeans. Mmmm. So hot.

"Bella?" The rag fell free and I flicked my wrist, smacking her lightly on the ass with the tip.

"Ugh! Edward! Piss off," she growled, swatting around blindly behind her as she pulled her pen from her mouth and went back to scratching away on the pad of paper before her.

I stifled a laugh. It was a good thing she had her back to me, otherwise she'd probably turn around and smack me. Well, she'd probably smack me regardless. Her and Alice had been swamped all evening, and I was bored as fuck, sitting around with Rose while she waited for Emmett to shower and head over to The Whiskey. Plus, Bella was adorable when she was trying to be mad at me.

"Bella, just a second?" I tried to make my voice sound less teasing and more pleading.

She didn't even reply this time, just shook her head, her hair whipping around her neck and falling down her back.

"But it's _reeeeeeally_ important, Bells."

"What the fuck?" I tried to wipe the smirk off my face when she whipped around, her eyes narrowed at me. "You don't call me _Bells._"

I shrugged, licking my lips. "Just trying it out. Got your attention, didn't it?"

She sighed, running her hand through her hair, her foot tapping impatiently on the tile floor. "Whatever. What to you need?"

"Just… you look really hot tonight."

"My God," she rolled her eyes and went stomping off across the bar, "How fucking old are you, Edward?"

"Twenty-two almost twenty-three!" I called after her. She gave me the finger. And I collapsed back in my chair, laughing.

"You're such a jerk."

I flipped the bird over in Rose's direction and took a pull of my beer, my gaze still on Bella across the bar.

"You should know by now not to mess with these ladies while they're working. I still have no idea why in the hell that girl puts up with you," Rose muttered, shaking her head.

"Maybe for the same reason Emmett puts up with you."

"What? She's certifiable?"

I laughed, pretending to consider it for a minute. "Maybe."

I heard a throat clear, and Rose and I glanced up to see Emmett towering over the table. "Hey, I'm only crazy for you, baby," he said as he sat down, stretching back in his chair and grinning at Rose.

Rose rolled her eyes. "You're such a goddamn suck up."

"Hey, I gotta be. Otherwise you just yell at me."

Rose made a face and _harrumphed_, and Emmett made a face back at her. I laughed at the exchange. Rose pretending to be mad at Emmett was like Bella pretending to me mad at me – they were both transparent as hell.

"It's fucking madness in here," Emmett said, looking around the packed bar.

"It's _Moonlight _Madness," I said, then doubled over laughing at my own joke. Rose and Emmett just quirked an eyebrow and stared at me.

"Dude… what the fuck? That's not even funny."

"I thought it was," I muttered, leaning back and crossing my arms over my chest.

"Whatever." Rose rolled her eyes. "When do we get to get out of here? Aren't Embry and Quil taking over for the girls?"

I shrugged, then pulled out my phone and checked the time. "I dunno, but it's like nine-thirty, so they better hurry their asses up or we're going to miss everything."

"And what? Miss the stinky hayride and the kitschy crafts?"

"Oh, Rose. It's not that bad."

Rose narrowed her eyes at me. "Who are you and what have you done with Edward?"

I only laughed and shook my head. It was July second and the official kick off to Forks' grand Old Fashioned Fourth of July. Tonight was Moonlight Madness (heh), down on Main Street with an outdoor market and food and raffles and all kinds of weird shit. The bar had been open all afternoon with a steady steam of customers filing in, so the girls were stressed and busy. Which was why Quil and Embry were taking over for a few hours so Alice and Bella could get out and relax and enjoy some of the festivities. And, by the looks of things, they needed it.

"Hey," I said, slapping the table and demanding both of their attention. I turned to Rose. "Are you and Jake taking cars through the parade again this year or what?"

Rose rolled her eyes. "Doubt it. Jake's been working on a car for the demolition derby."

"He's actually going to do it this year?" I laughed.

"Apparently." Rose sounded uninterested, like she wouldn't believe it until she saw it. But every year, Jake talked about that shit. The demolition derby was Sunday afternoon, the fourth, and every year Jake talked about entering in that shit. Maybe this would be the year he would finally follow through.

"I think Jasper and Emmett are talking about entering the Mustang in the parade though, so we'll have some one representing," Rose said, pumping her fist in the air unenthusiastically and glancing over at Emmett who nodded to confirm that this was the plan.

"It'll be ready in time?" I asked.

"Putting the finishing touches on it tomorrow," Emmett said proudly. "And damn, that car is gonna look _soooo_ hot."

"Wow." I blew out a breath. "What the hell are you gonna do now, man?" I asked, "Live off your sugar momma?"

Emmett grinned slyly. "Maybe."

Rose reached over and decked him in the shoulder and I choked back my laughter as I finished my last sip of beer. Ah, true love.

Quil and Embry finally showed up a few minutes later, half plastered and reeking of mini-doughnuts and horse manure. I wondered if it really was a good idea to leave them in charge of the bar, especially when it was this busy, but hell it had been all Jake's idea. He could clean up any mess they created. So the girls shrugged into their jackets and joined Rose and Emmett and I to go join the madness down on Main Street.

The second Bella stepped out of the bar she visibly relaxed. She laced her fingers with mine, squeezing my hand gently. I looked down at her, watching her shoulders slack with the released tension with every step we took away from The Whiskey. I wished so much in that moment that she could be doing something she loved here, instead of trying to make ends meet serving booze in a stinky bar. I released her hand and threw my arm over her shoulder, pulling her into my side.

"Hey, sorry for snapping on you," she frowned as she looked up at me, her bottom lip between her teeth.

"Shut up," I laughed, "I kind of deserved it. You're just way too damn adorable when you're pissed off."

She smiled. "Want to make it up to me?"

I raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "How?"

"You'll see," she grinned, then darted out from under my arm, over to Alice who was a ways ahead of us. She grabbed Alice's arm and whispered something in her ear, and they both glanced back at me, laughing, before taking off running full tilt back to the parking lot of the bar. I watched curiously as they stopped at Alice's car and went digging around in the backseat, and then rolled my eyes when Bella came waltzing back to me with a cowboy hat in her hands. I didn't say a word, just ducked down and let her place it on my head. Once she had it adjusted and seemed pacified, she wound her arm around my waist and we continued on our walk downtown. Emmett made whipping noises from behind us, and I held up my hand, flipping him off.

Jasper joined the group in our prearranged meeting spot by Mrs. Gerty's table of oven mitts, available in every pattern and color imaginable. I watched as Alice excitedly picked out a new pair with an American flag design and soon after we all took off in separate directions.

We played games, and Bella kicked my ass at a ring toss, earning herself a prize of a brown stuffed horse, which she proudly presented to me. I laughed as Bella tried on gaudy, homemade bead necklaces, some that were so long they hung down to her bellybutton. I bought her a leather, beaded headband made by a sweet Quileute lady and she pulled it over the crown of her head and I snagged a feather off one of the tables and stuck it between the headband and her hair, laughing because we were now Cowboys and Indians. I called her Sequoiah for the rest of the night, and she called me John Reid, which I didn't really understand until later. We shared apple pie and she bought us both sno-cones, and we kissed the corners of each other's mouths just to taste the different flavors. When we finished, her lips and teeth her stained blue and without a doubt mine were the deep red of my cherry sno-cone.

We met up with Rose, Emmett, Alice and Jasper at ten forty-five to hop on the last hayride of the night. Bella squealed and when I tossed her up on the wagon and the driver standing at the front with the reigns in his hands turned around and glared at us. The horses stomped their hooves impatiently and snorted loudly, their heads tossing back and forth and their matching blonde manes flying about. I flashed the driver a wide red-toothed smile, and he turned back around, grumbling to himself. And as soon as the wagon started moving, Bella called out, "Hi-yo, Silver! Away!" and I realized that by calling me John Reid she meant The Lone Ranger, I swear I've never laughed harder in my life.

We rode on the bumpy wagon down the streets of Forks, through Tillicum Park, past the spot where Bella face-planted and scraped her knees those few weeks ago and around the arena where the demolition derby would be held on Sunday. We all huddled together and Emmett passed around a flask of gin, earning us stern looks from parents aboard the ride, but their kids were too hopped up on sugar rocks and cotton candy to notice.

The Moonlight Madness closed down at eleven, and we all wandered back to the bar where we drank until last call. I drove us home, Bella was all giggly and buzzed, and we raced to the front door through a sprinkling late-night rain shower. Before Bella crawled into my bed, she set her feather down on the nightstand next to an old picture on her side of the bed and rolled into my arms, giggling as she ran her fingers through my hair, which had been flattened at the top from the cowboy hat.

I kissed her neck as she laughed at my hair, and I pulled her shirt over her head and rolled her on top of me. Her headband fell to the floor with her shirt, and her dark hair hung in her face, and as I ran my hands up her sides, palming her breasts and kissing her ear, her laughter quickly turned into quiet moans. Frantic hands undressed us quickly, because there were too many clothes between us and we were feeling too much and were too buzzed for it to be any other way.

I slid my fingers between us, pumping in and out of her, unable to tear my gaze away from her face of ecstasy. She leaned down and nipped at my ear and my entire body shuddered when I felt her hot breath so close. Her hips moved against my hand, and when it was too much, and she was too wet, and I was too hard, I rolled us over plunged into her. My body hunched over her and I let out a shaky breath, because still, that first time I entered her... there were just no fucking words. I supported myself with one arm on the headboard, and my free hand brushed against her inner thigh. I ran my hand down to her knee and lifted it up, hitching it over my shoulder, and her other leg quickly followed suit. She let out a cry, her head thrown back, her body clenching and her legs tightening around me, pulling me closer. My head dropped and I stared into her face as I pushed in deeper. Over and over, in and out.

Just when I knew we were both so close, I felt her hands on my chest, pushing me back. Without a word, she rolled us over and then she rode me, her thighs around my waist, her hands raking at the skin of my chest, desperate to hold on to something. Her head fell back when I gripped her waist and lifted her up, thrusting my hips in and out as she bounced up and down.

And I'd been with enough women to know that, my God, I was one lucky son of a bitch.

She collapsed on top of me when she came, and I followed her, her shudders pulling everything from my body and more. And we laid there in silence for a few moments, our hearts pounding furiously against each other's chests, my fingers tips running lightly up and down the smooth skin of her back. And just when we were about to drift off sleep, her legs still wrapped around me, I sat up, pulling her with me. She blinked at me in confusion as I hauled us both into the bathroom and started the shower. I didn't even wait for it to warm up, just climbed into cold spray of the water and pulled her in with me. She shrieked with laughter as our naked bodies collided under the chilly water, but somehow we found a way to warm each other up before the water did, just like I knew we would.

**x.x.x**

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**Whew... ahem. So on Tuesday, April 20 Mac214 is hosting a read-along for I Run to You. If you guys want to participate or spread the word, or just find out what the heck it is, you can find more information at: ****theficbridge (dot) blogspot (dot) com/**

**I'm going to try SO hard to have a new chapter for you guys to make the occasion. **

**And the amazing don't_run started a thread on Twilighted for IR2Y :D you can find it at: ****www (dot) twilighted (dot)net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=44&t=9295**

**Stop by, chat, discuss the chapter, spam me with pics of Rob or Jensen Ackles, whatever (LMHW, I'm looking at you bb ;) **


	20. All Fall Down

_Chapter 20: All Fall Down_

**I think all I can really say is thank you SO MUCH for being patient with me you guys. I won't drone on and on about the reasons it took me so epically long to update, but just thanks so, so much for sticking around for this. **

**As always, thanks to kapers for doing her awesome beta thing, and a special, ginormous thanks to kikidew for helping me out with writing the demo derby scene. Girl, you had some great insight, I can't wait to attend my first derby! Thank you so much ladies!! **

**All right, now... down to business:  
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**So the mess is drawing forces  
Outside I hear them say  
Just come out with your hands up  
So we can blow you away  
And I walk out the door  
Get blown wide open  
By the things I'd put away  
And I wasn't even warned  
Just blown wide open  
By the mess is where I lay**

_**Big Wreck – Blown Wide Open**_

**x.x.x**

**Edward. **

I should have known that things around us were slipping. I should have known it was all too good to be true. Because things around us were falling to pieces, or maybe depending on the way you looked at it, everything was falling into place. Gears shifting and turning under our feet, pulling it all into position. Years later, if you asked Bella, she'd say it all happened the way it was supposed to be. But then, it was nearly impossible to see the forest for the trees.

Half of it, I saw coming. I'd already prepared myself for half of the drama that was about to unfold. But the rest of it? Well… I never even imagined…

Maybe it was all set in motion back at the cabin, between Alice and Jasper, in a moment where their relationship started crumbling at the seams. Or maybe it began shortly after midnight on July the Fourth, when Bella came home from work. Or maybe it didn't really begin anywhere; maybe it was something that had simply never ended. Unspoken thoughts and fears never uttered out loud, issues never brought to surface because things were going _so well. _Too well. Because when you're laughing and loving the time you're spending with someone you adore – why in the world would you want to ruin it? Why would you want to bring up the demons of the past, so they can only bring you down? You don't – you sweep it under the rug until the dirt gathers so high, until there's mountains between you, and the storm rips through and blows it all in your faces. And the dust stings your eyes and it's hard to breathe, and there's nothing but the mess and the blackness, the light that she'd brought into your life is extinguished by the storm. And the storm continues to rage until you can't see anything anymore.

And we all fell hard together with everything we all swept under that rug. We fell and we broke. The weekend that was supposed to be cause for celebration suddenly wasn't anymore. But it was a weekend I would never forget.

**x.x.x**

Saturday afternoon brought sunshine and a picnic in the park. The park was packed with people, throwing Frisbees and tossing footballs, relaxing in lawn chairs in shorts and tank tops as kids ran around screaming and laughing as they raced around the playground. We sat under the oak tree, sandwiches and fruit spread out on platters on the old plaid blanket we surrounded, lounging about on the green, fresh cut grass.

I should have known then, that everything was going too well.

I should have known things were too good to be true.

It was just the six of us under that tree: Rose, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Bella and I. We drank warm beer from plastic cups, ducked the curious bees buzzing around our heads and swatted away pesky flies. Clyde slept in the shade, his nose twitching every time a bug landed near his face, unfazed by the bustling activity happening around us. Emmett was leaning back against the trunk of the tree, Rose between his legs with her head resting back on his chest, her long golden hair hanging in a loose ponytail over her shoulder. Alice and Jasper sat on opposite sides of the blanket, Alice read while Jasper laid back in the grass, his arms folded behind his head and his eyes closed. And Bella was on her side, her head propped up on her elbow, wearing her headband from the night before. Her hair hung in thick waves down her back, a sharp contrast against the white tank top she was wearing. She was picking away at a bowl of fresh strawberries, her smiling eyes gazing into my sunglasses as she bit into the juicy, red fruit. My gaze was fixed on her lips, watching the bright red liquid slip down the corners of her mouth, my hands twitching at my side every time her pink tongue slipped out of mouth to lick the sweet juice.

I wish I had known then. And I wish I could have stopped it.

But we were all so fucking oblivious. And so, so naive.

You know, at first, it was nothing really. No big deal, just a tiny detail that added to the giant snowball that rolled towards our path, picking up speed and weight as it went. But that night, Bella came home from the bar and puked in my laundry basket. And I was annoyed, because that was the fourth night that week she had come home drunk. Maybe I was to blame, because I stayed home and slept on the couch instead of being there, but it wasn't my job to babysit her. And I didn't know why I was beginning to feel like it was.

So I rinsed and washed my laundry at three a.m. while Bella passed out in my bed. And when she got up the next morning to head back into town for the pancake breakfast, I pretended to still be asleep.

I dozed in and out while she was gone, my mind restless and my body tired. I thought about everything that was happening today; it was the Fourth, and the day of the breakfast, the parade, the barbeque and the fireworks, and then the wind up party at The Whiskey. I thought about the news Jasper had shared with me a couple weeks ago, and I thought about the sadness in Alice's eyes. I thought about Bella drinking and the smile on her face every time she saw me, and I wondered how often the source behind that smile was artificial happiness, a whiskey buzz running through her veins. I thought and I dozed, and time just passed, and I couldn't tell how slowly or how quickly it did. I dreamt of a pier, of a turquoise ocean, of a thunderstorm that shook the house and rattled the panes of glass in the windows. I dreamt of the roar of a red Mustang on an empty highway, and I dreamt of long brown hair in the passenger seat. I dreamt of a darkness, of an endless, moonless day and night. And I dreamt of being high.

A while later, while I was somewhere between being asleep and awake, I heard the bedroom door open. At first I wasn't even going to open my eyes because I was still groggy and tired and just wanted to be left alone, and I wasn't completely convinced it wasn't a dream. But I heard a throat clear and I reluctantly squinted toward the door, expecting Bella or maybe even Alice to be poking their head in and demanding I get my ass out of bed. But when I was greeted with a shock of blonde hair I bolted upright, pulling the blankets around me and narrowing my eyes.

And just like that, I was wide-awake.

"Tanya. What the hell are you doing here?"

Tanya smirked at me from the doorway, tossing her long hair over her shoulder as she strolled through the door, plopping herself down on the edge of my bed. "Is that the kind of greeting I get now, Edward?" She arched an eyebrow and her smile widened, and she displayed a green piece of gum pinched between her front teeth. She drew in a deep breath and looked around my room, snapping her gum as she exhaled. "I get that you're in a happy monogamous relationship these days, but you could at least be a little excited to see an old friend."

I shook my head, trying to clear the sleep from my brain. I watched Tanya pick at a stray thread on my duvet, grinning slyly over at me.

"What are you doing here?" I repeated, not in the mood for her games. I was tired and annoyed and not at all excited to see her. I rubbed my face, the stubble on my cheeks brushing against my palms.

She shrugged, looking around the room. "Where's your girlfriend?"

"Out."

"Oh, well, I was hoping to meet her," she said, her voice laced with all kinds of sweet and innocent that sent a chill down my spine. "But she'll be at the party tonight, won't she? I'll have to wait until then. I'm going to Esme and Carlisle's for brunch, mom and dad are meeting me there, you know, if you guys want to stop by."

I didn't reply, just crossed my arms over my chest and waited for her to take a hint and get the fuck out of my house.

She sighed theatrically at my silence. "But, I guess I'll let you get your beauty sleep for now." She hopped off the bed and turned to the door. I almost breathed out a sigh of relief, but she paused with her hand on the doorknob. "You wouldn't want to… you know," she raised her eyebrows suggestively, "while your girlfriend's out?"

I didn't know if she was talking about sex or drugs, but either way my answer was the same. "No," I said forcefully. "Tanya, please just go."

She stuck out her lower lip in a pout. "What? New girl doesn't approve of you _partying_?"

"Of course she doesn't – because unlike you, Bella has values. Please Tanya, just _go_," I growled, pulling my fingers through my hair in frustration.

She held up her hands innocently. "Okay, okay. You know, you're not as much fun as you used to be, Cullen. I can't wait to meet the girl who has miraculously turned your life around," she rolled her eyes sarcastically.

She pulled open the door but stopped again, and I had to force myself to stay in the bed and not toss her ass out the front door myself. "Do you have smokes handy? I'm trying to quit, but, well, you know," she shrugged, biting her lip and batting her mascara-coated lashes at me, "I don't think anybody ever _really _quits."

I collapsed back on my bed, desperate to get her the hell out of here. "Check the pocket of my jacket by the door."

Her face lit up. "Perfect. Thanks, Edward. I'll see you later."

I didn't even bother replying. As soon as the door closed behind her, I groaned and rolled over, picking my cell phone off my nightstand. I dialed Alice's number and it rang three times before she answered it, sounding way too chipper for the mood I was in.

"Alice, what the hell is Tanya doing here?" I demanded when she picked up.

I was met with a couple seconds of silence. "What do you mean?"

"She just waltzed into my fucking room five minutes ago and announced she was here for the party tonight. Did you invite her?"

"No," Alice replied slowly. "I swear I didn't, Edward. I don't know, she stops by from time to time. But Edward, you talked to her, didn't you?"

"Of course I did," I growled. "Still doesn't mean I trust her not to pull anything tonight."

Alice only sighed. "Well… hang on, a sec., okay?" I rolled over and sat up as I waited. There was some muffled talking on the other side of the line, and then a moment later Bella was on the phone.

"Hello?"

"Bella, hey," I breathed, my earlier irritation with her instantly washed away. I was so fucking thankful to hear her voice. "What are you… where are you guys?"

"Parking lot of The Whiskey. Pancake breakfast, remember?" I could hear laughter in the background and I glanced at the clock. It was only about nine, which meant there was at least another hour until breakfast would be wrapping up, and I didn't trust Tanya not to stop in there.

"Okay, look, I need to talk to you about something."

There was a hesitant pause before she replied. "Okay."

I got to my feet and was suddenly pacing around my bedroom. "Remember when I told you about Tanya?"

"Yeah… the one from Seattle?"

"Yeah. Listen, she's here. In Forks. Just came by the house, actually, so that was kind of a great surprise this morning." I didn't dare tell Bella that Tanya had waltzed into my room like it was a place she's spent many sleepless nights. "And I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Oh." It was silent for a moment. "You guys are, like, history, right? I mean, should I be worried?" I could hear Alice saying something in the background, but I shook my head.

"No, no. Well, I don't _think_ so. I just… I don't trust her. And I didn't want her to catch you off guard or anything."

"Oh…" Bella paused again. "Could I take her?"

"Huh?"

"Could I fight her? Like, could I kick her ass?"

I laughed, relieved that she wasn't completely freaking out over this. "She's got a couple inches on you, and claws for nails." I shuddered when I realized how that sounded.

But Bella only laughed. "Hmm… well, is she gigantic? Could I just knock her down and make a run for it?"

I chuckled again, the theoretical fight between Bella and Tanya suddenly sounding very appealing. "I'm very sure you could outrun her," I said, "She'll be in four-inch heels."

"Great," Bella laughed.

"But Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"Just… just don't fall down."

We hung up the phone laughing, but the second the other end of the line was dead, the sinking feeling in my stomach returned.

**x.x.x**

I pulled into the parking lot of The Whiskey just before ten. I was half-planning on skipping the breakfast all together, but my paranoia was getting the best of me, and I knew I'd drive myself mad pacing around home if I didn't stop in and check things out. Thankfully, the scene was Tanya-free, but as I strolled up to Bella, I was faced with a completely different problem.

The parking lot was slowly emptying of the early-morning patrons, eager for a free early meal to start off the long day with. The pancake breakfast was tradition in Forks – local businesses in the area usually rotated hosting it the morning of the Fourth; it was a kickoff to the parade and the rest of the days' festivities. Bella was sitting on a plastic chair behind a long table of leftovers, and she was balancing a plate of syrup-soaked pancakes on her lap. She grinned at me as I approached, a plastic, disposable cup with a red straw in her free hand.

"So you _are_ alive," she said as I leaned in and kissed her, licking the sweet syrup from my lips.

"I am," I smiled. "So how'd everything go?"

She shrugged, swallowing a bite of pancakes. "It wasn't so bad. Everybody's pretty chill today."

"That's good." She offered me a sip of orange juice from her cup and I took a sip, my nose wrinkling as I swallowed. I sniffed the contents before handing it back to her. "What's in this?"

"Gin and juice," she replied, taking a sip.

"You're – you're _drinking_?" I asked, my annoyance from earlier resurfacing. All I could see was me, pissed off and awake at three in the morning, doing laundry because of her, and now she was already drinking again? I gaped at her, dumbfounded.

She shrugged as she took another sip of her drink. "Yeah. Hangover, hair of the dog, all that business," she replied, waving her hand in the air like it was no big deal.

"You do realize it's hardly ten a.m., right?"

She pulled her lips from the straw and eyes met mine, her eyebrows arched. "Yes," she replied, speaking slowly, "But it's also a holiday. My God, sorry _Mom._"

I just stared at her and shook my head. I had absolutely nothing but snarky things to say in reply, so I shoved my hands in my pockets, turned on my heel, and walked away.

"Edward-" she tried, but I just shook my head and waved her off. I could hear her let out a growl of frustration from behind me before I was out of earshot.

I let out a long breath. _Sorry Mom? _I felt like I was dealing with a fucking bratty sixteen-year-old. I tried to tell myself that I was overreacting, that it wasn't a big deal, that I'd just woken up on the wrong side of the bed… but I couldn't shake my frustration.

I wasn't her fucking babysitter. She was twenty-two years old and she could drink whenever she wanted… despite how early and illegally the drinking may take place. I tried to tell myself that I was simply in a pissy mood, and it wasn't right to take it out on Bella. I had basically woken up face-to-face with the last person I wanted to see in Forks right now, and if Bella and I didn't keep a united front, then I _knew _Tanya would find a way to weasel her way between us. But before I could make up with Bella, I needed to chill the fuck out.

I let out another long breath and looked around the parking lot, my gaze falling on the perfect distraction. Parked off to the side of the building, I saw a flash of red and a small crowd of people. It was the Mustang – finished and polished and in all it's glory. I let out a low whistle as I approached the group, and Jasper greeted me with a smile I hadn't seen in weeks.

"Fuck man," I said, my eyes grazing over the shiny car, the polished rims, the sparkling chrome trim, and the reupholstered beige leather seats, "Looks _awesome_."

"Thanks," he nodded, his arm crossed over his chest and a half-burnt cigarette hanging from his lip. His smoke pack was tucked in the rolled up sleeves of his t-shirt, his eyes bouncing over the car, his face lit up with a grin. "Gotta admit, Emmett fucking pulled through. God it feels so good to have her up and running again."

"He did a great job," I agreed.

Jasper slid his smoke pack out from under his sleeve and pulled out a joint, tossing it over to me. I caught it at my chest, looking up at him with my eyebrows raised. "I gotta get out of here right away," he told me, "But let's smoke this shit first."

I grinned and we both side-stepped away from the car as I fished a lighter from my pocket and lit up the joint. I closed my eyes as I took a deep inhale, raising my face to the sky when I blew out a thick cloud of smoke. Was I a hypocrite for smoking up right after getting all bitchy about Bella drinking? Probably. But hell, knowing Bella, she was probably stoned already too.

I tried to shake the thoughts from my mind. I was overreacting – I _knew _I was overreacting. And it didn't help that this whole Tanya showing up in Forks ordeal was messing with my fucking brain. I inhaled a couple more times and cracked my neck as I passed the joint over to Jasper. The sun was shining, the breeze was warm considering the early hour, and hopefully the drama for the day had passed and we could all just relax and have ourselves a nice, chill Fourth of July.

One could only hope.

I shifted my eyes to the side and glanced around us to make sure nobody was paying much attention to Jasper and I. I dropped my voice slowly turned my back to the small crowd gathered around the shiny car and asked him, "So, you decide on anything yet, man?"

Jasper scratched at his blonde curls and nodded, his gaze dropping to the pavement at our feet. I knew that he knew exactly what I was talking about. He exhaled a puff of smoke, coughing as he passed the joint back. "Uh, yeah. I was gonna try and sit down with Bella after the parade or something and talk to her."

I tried to ignore the tightening in my chest as I took another hit. I stared down at the smoke curling up into the air from the joint pressed between my fingers when I spoke. "How do you think she's gonna take it?" I asked, trying to keep my voice neutral. Trying to pretend I wasn't scared shitless.

Jasper took a long drag of his cigarette and let it out slowly through his nose. "Honestly? I just don't know anymore."

I glanced across the parking lot to Bella, who was gathering up all the used, syrup-drenched paper plates with Alice. I scoffed at I turned back to Jasper, "Well, maybe she'll be drunk enough by then she won't take it too bad."

Jasper's eyes followed mine. "She's at it already, huh?"

"She sure is."

Jasper just shook his head and sighed. "It's a holiday, I guess."

"I guess," I scoffed, shaking my head at how alike those two really did think. "She puked in my laundry basket last night," I muttered, my eyes staring at a spot on the pavement.

"In your… laundry basket?" Jasper's voice was kind of strangled, and when I looked up I saw that he was struggling not to laugh.

"Shut up," I growled, but a felt the twitch of a smile on the corner of my lips.

"Sorry," Jasper gasped, a chuckle escaping his lips. "It's not funny… but come on, man, it's kind of _funny." _He flicked his cigarette butt on the ground and clapped me on the back, still laughing. "Look, I gotta head out. Emmett's waiting for me down at the start of the parade, getting us signed up and shit. I'll catch you later though." He shook his head, still grinning. "And I'll talk to Bella, when I, you know, talk to her."

I rolled my eyes, backing away from the car as Jasper hopped in the drivers seat and fired it up. The people gathered around stood there as he went ripping out of the parking lot, the loud growling Mustang burning a trail right down Main Street.

And even though I was terrified of the implications of his decision, I hoped like hell that it would all work out in the end. He was convinced it was all for the best. Unfortunately, I wasn't so sure anymore.

I finished off the joint and then tossed it on the ground, putting it out with the toe of my shoe. I don't know when it happened exactly that Jasper and I came to a truce. But one day he came to me of all people for advice. Or maybe not even advice… just an unbiased ear to hear him out. I think maybe it was because I was the only neutral party – I was the only one who didn't really care either way what he decided, and I knew both Alice and Bella well enough to know how they'd react. But he needed someone to talk to – someone who wouldn't jump down his throat or beg him to change his mind. And thanks to Alice, he also knew things about me that only a handful of other people knew. So one night, we stayed up until Alice and Bella arrived home from work, just talking about the shit we couldn't confide in other people with. And ever since then, things between the two of us had been easy. Or maybe just _easier_. But it was still weird, hanging out with the dude and not wanting to shove my fist down his throat.

Feeling far more chilled out, I decided it was probably time to track down Bella and apologize for being such a prick earlier. I found her helping Alice and Jake put away the plastic tables that they had been cooking the food on. She glanced up when she heard me approaching, and her eyes narrowed when our gaze met and she quickly went back to folding up the leg of the table she was working on. When I knelt down beside her, she got to her feet and jerked the now folded-up table away from me and started hauling it towards Jake's truck, where the other two tables were already stacked neatly in the box.

"Bell-"

Her head whipped around before her name was even out of my mouth. "What?" she snapped, adjusting her grip on the table.

I took a deep, calming breath, my eyes travelling up the curves of her bare arm, her muscles flexed with the strain of the table she was supporting. She adjusted the table, letting out an impatient breath, and my eyes snapped to her face. Clearing my throat, I met her narrowed eyes. "Bella, I'm sorry-"

She laughed bitterly, turned her back to me and started walking away. I tried hard not to roll my eyes at her back as I jogged to catch her and tried to help her load the table into the truck, but she kept shrugging me off. So I sighed, stepping back and waiting.

"So what are you sorry for, exactly?" she asked, turning to me once the table was safely in the truck. She planted her hands on her hips as she squinted up at me. "For walking away from me? Over a little bit of gin and juice? And then completely ignoring me until you get high, right? No, that's totally _fine_, Edward." But obviously, judging by the tone of her voice, it was anything but fine. "I'm sorry, but it's the Fourth of July, and I had to haul my ass out of bed at six-thirty after working until two a.m., and I wanted to have a fucking drink and relax and the last thing I expected was to catch shit from _you _of all people."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It's just," she threw her hands in the air, and started walking away. She ran her fingers through her wavy hair and then spun back around and faced me. "I think I've been pretty accommodating for all your faults, Edward. And your reaction to me _drinking_… it was like, like… I don't know. Like you caught me doing blow or something. Like, fuck."

"Accommodating for all my faults?" I repeated, blinking at her in disbelief. "Bella, I told you those things so you would trust me, not so you'd simply _accommodate _me."

"That's not what I meant, Edward," she replied, rolling her eyes in exasperation. "It's just that I could have made a huge deal out of all that shit, but I _didn't_."

"Why, is there something you wanted to say to me, Bella?" I asked. "Are you _not _okay with everything that's happened in my past? Because if you're not, you should really say something before it's too late."

"Stop that!" she said, her voice rising in anger.

"Stop what?"

"You're… you're twisting everything I say! That's not what I fucking meant!"

"Yeah, well, you better be sure about that, Bella. Because you have to trust me. If you don't, then…"

"Then what?"

"Then I don't know."

We both fell silent for a moment, the sudden unexpected turn our argument took running over and over again in my head. And I felt like shit, because I started all this, being such a prick over nothing. But now, suddenly, it wasn't just _nothing _anymore. It was one of those things, pushed to the side, hidden under the rug, and we just stared at each other, wondering if we really wanted to do this here. If we really wanted to get into this now.

Because I didn't.

Just… not now.

Finally, Bella spoke, "Look, Edward. I know, okay? I know I probably drink too much sometimes, but just please, please don't do this today. I'm exhausted and then I get some freaked out call from you this morning about your ex being in town, and I think we're just both a little on edge. But please, can we not fight right now?" She looked up at me, her brown eyes wide and pleading. "I'm tired, and I just want today to be fun, okay?"

I reached out and took her hand in mine. "Okay. Just… I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to snap at you this morning. And… we'll talk about this later or something, okay?"

She nodded slowly. "Okay. And I'm sorry too. Come on; let's just go watch the parade. Let's go have some fun."

"Sounds good."

So hand-in-hand, we turned and began walking down the street. But I kept replaying our fight over and over, and I couldn't help but think about those three little words that she never really said out loud.

I wonder now how differently things would have turned out had we'd taken the time to hash some of those things out that sunny morning.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

Aside from the little tiff between Edward and I, the rest of the morning went smoothly. The parade was… a parade. Emmett rode in the Mustang with Jasper, chucking candy at the kids as they passed by. A lot of the parade consisted of old, classic cars and truck that didn't really mean anything to me, and horses and wagons and people dressed up in crazy costumes, tossing candy at the crowds. By the time the parade started it was warm enough for me to roll up my pant legs and push up the sleeves of my t-shirt, and I leaned against Edward's shoulder trying to stay awake as more and more shiny cars crawled past and the _clip-clopping_ of horse hooves tapped out a soothing beat on the pavement. I didn't even realize I'd dozed off until the end of the parade when Edward was shaking me awake, a teasing grin on his lips as he watched me blink back to life.

I smiled up at him, groggy and dazed.

I was so, so tired.

After the parade wrapped up, we met up with Emmett and Jasper and headed down to the park. And Jasper was more or less _beaming _as he hopped back in the Mustang and drove us down the street. It made me happy, seeing him that way again. I just wished I'd known that all it took was a little paint and a new transmission to make my best friend smile like that.

The crowd around Tillicum Park was far bigger than I expected, with people spread out around the arena on blankets and lawn chairs, grouped into families who sat around waving and socializing with their friends. People snapped pictures as the cars made their way down to the arena. We screamed and cheered from our spot on the grass when we spotted Jake's old, russet-colored Chrysler Imperial he was entering in the competition. The arena was bigger than I had anticipated, a wide, oval area enclosed by rectangular concrete blocks stacked about six feet high, and then a chain-link fence closing it all off.

I was sitting across Edward's lap, my temple resting against his collarbone as we basked in the sunlight and excitement. I placed a gentle kiss on his neck before I spoke, "You know, I bet this is something my mom would have been into."

"What? This?" Edward's eyes raked down to where I was pressed up against him, a playful smirk on his lips. His hand snuck around my waist, his fingers slipping under the bottom of my shirt as he held me tightly against him.

"No," I laughed, smacking him lightly on the shoulder. I pulled my head back, looking around us, "The demolition derby. It just seems like a Renee-type thing to do: the excitement, the energy, the intensity. I just feel like this is something she would love. Maybe that's why I've never been to one…" my voice trailed off as I collected my thoughts. My eyes were focused somewhere off in the distance when I spoke again, "It's almost like, I don't know, that maybe after Charlie died, Renee tried to change everything about herself – everything that reminded her of him. Like, she moved away and she stopped playing guitar and singing and who knows what else. In all those pictures of Esme's, she's drinking beer. I never saw my mom drink a beer a single day of her life, but she always had a bottle of red wine on hand. It's kind of like… like I never really knew her at all."

"Bella, that's ridiculous," Edward said quietly.

"Is it, though?"

"Yes," he said firmly, one of his hands reaching up and tucking a stray hair behind my ear. His fingers trailed along my jaw as he spoke. "People's tastes change. Maybe your mom just didn't _like_ beer anymore. And yeah, maybe playing the guitar made her sad, but maybe she just… wasn't inspired anymore. And maybe she never took you to demolition derbies because they're dangerous."

"They are?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Oh, yeah," he said, shrugging. He ran a hand through his hair and looked around us. "I mean, it's not nearly as dangerous as, say, skydiving or whitewater rafting, at least not for the spectator. _Usually_. But people get hurt, things blow up. A tire flew into the crowd last year," he told me matter-of-factly.

"And people bring their _children_ to these things?" I asked, looking around in alarm at all the laughing, happy families surrounding us.

"Sure. I mean, no one was injured then."

"But still-"

Suddenly, there was a loud horn sounding throughout the park, and I jumped in surprise and whipped around just as all the cars lined up on one end, revved their engines and took off. I held my hand over my mouth, my eyes wide as the cars sped around the track, and I could feel Edward's body shaking against mine as he laughed silently, muttering something under his breath that sounded a lot like, "_skydiving, my ass_."

I shoved him half-heartedly, twisting around so I was sitting between his legs again, my eyes fixed on the scene before me. People were shrieking and laughing as the cars ripped around the arena, dirt shooting out from under their tires and spraying people sitting closer to the fence that enclosed the track. At first, the cars seemed to be moving in slow-motion, spinning around and around one another, almost like it was a game of tag. They all seemed to be waiting for something – for someone to make the first move, maybe.

Some of the cars were beefier, with bright orange flames painted on the sides or a skull and cross on the hood. And it was loud, the engines growling and roaring loudly as they chased the other cars around the dirt covered arena. And when two cars finally made contact, people around us screamed and pumped their fists in the air as the cars pushed against each other, tires spinning as they battled for dominance. The dust blew around us like smoke, and I could feel it clinging to the sweat on my forehead, but I was too mesmerized by the action to even care. Every time Jake's car came close to colliding with another we were all holding our breath and screaming all at the same time. I heard Emmett's loud whooping when Jake ran full speed into the passenger side of the car with the flames, pinning it up against a rusted red car. The engines screamed and dirt flew, the cars battling relentlessly against one another. Smoke curled up from some of the engines, bumpers hit the ground, and I sat leaning forward as I watched with my eyes wide.

I craned my neck back slowly, my eyes not leaving the scene before me. "How do they know who wins?" I asked Edward quietly.

"The last car still… operable," Edward replied with a quiet laugh.

"Oh." I leaned forward, watching as the black car with the skull went crashing into the back of Jake's car. I cringed as his car lurched forward. Ouch.

Eventually, Rose got up and announced she was going to buy a bottle of water and asked if we wanted anything. I waved her off and finally tore my gaze from the arena, looking over at my friends. I'd been so mesmerized by the derby that their presence had practically gone unnoticed this entire time. Emmett was sitting up, a bag of dill-pickle Spitz on the ground between his legs and his eyes on Rose as she waded through the crowds down to where there was a small concession set up. He glanced back to the derby, letting out a loud whoop of excitement and I heard the loud crunch of metal hitting metal.

Beside Edward and I, Jasper and Alice were reclined back in the grass. They seemed so serene compared to the intense, action-packed event happening before us. Alice was lying on her back, her head resting on Jasper's stomach, rising and falling slowly with his deep, calm breaths. I found gaze lingering on them, only because they were so close, so intimate and peaceful. For a moment, I thought maybe they'd worked passed all their issues and they were really giving it another go. It seemed like that kind of day – the kind of day where change was in the air. It was a day of change and hope and summer and love. Alice's fingers were grazing Jasper's hand, their fingers reaching out for each other, just barely touching, tapping out a gentle, silent beat against each other's skin. And I was smiling to myself as I watched them until I looked up and saw Jasper's eyes. The expression on his face would have given nothing away; he was a perfect mask of calm. But his eyes… I recognized the pain and anguish in his stormy grey eyes. His gaze was cast downward, to where his hand met Alice's, his forehead creased and his eyes stormy with pain. It was like Alice's head resting gently on his chest was digging deep into his heart, and like her fingers were ripping each of his digits from his hand, slowly and painfully, one by one. The look in his eyes made a chill rip through my body, despite the summer sun beaming down on us. And immediately Jasper's gaze flew to mine, like I had gasped out loud, and I could only imagine the panic he saw there. Suddenly, I felt Edward stiffened underneath me, but I couldn't drag my eyes away from Jasper.

In a flash, Jazz was murmuring something in Alice's ear and was pushing himself up on his elbows. Alice looked up at me, and the look on her face was… _sad_, and I couldn't understand why, and I didn't understand what was going on. And honestly, for a minute, I couldn't help but wonder if I'd dozed off again and was dreaming this. But the smell of diesel, the burning rubber, it was too tangible in the air for this to be a dream.

"Bells, can I talk to you for a second?" Jasper asked, holding his hand out to help me to my feet. I took his hand, feeling dumb and blind and confused as all hell, and when I looked at Edward, I could tell he was trying to avoid my gaze, and that's when I realized that everybody knew something I didn't. And as I followed Jasper away from the crowd, I looked back to see that even Emmett was watching me, a deep frown on his face.

"Jasper, what is it?" I stopped walking, because my heart was beginning to hammer against my ribs, my mind conjuring up the worst possible scenarios. And he didn't make in any better when he just stared at me with sad eyes and pulled me into a hug.

Behind us, there was the grinding sound of metal on metal, and I winced as the crowd cheered.

And then, I knew. I knew exactly what he was going to say.

"We're leaving, aren't we?" my words we muffled against his shirt, my legs on the verge of giving up on me, my eyes squeezed shut to stop the inevitable tears. And behind my closed eyelids, I saw Edward. I saw Edward laughing as we ran together through the rain, Edward's pain the night he told me about his past, Edward eyes so full of love when he looked down at me in the dim light of his bedroom, a stray lock of copper hair brushing against his eyebrow, Edward's smirk when I let him cop a feel in public. I saw Edward, Edward, Edward, looking me with sad eyes as I walked away, Edward not doing anything to stop this, to stop Jasper from doing this, and just like that I was pissed.

"How could you do this to me?" I gasped, pushing against Jasper's chest. Pushing him away from me. I swept my hair back off my forehead, my head shaking from side to side, my eyes wide and fixed at nothing in particular on the ground.

We were leaving. We were fucking leaving. And I didn't know how to say no.

"Bella. _Bella._" I didn't even hear him speaking until he shook my shoulders and snapped me out of the panic I was in. My eyes shot up to his. He had one hand gripping each of my shoulders firmly, his head ducked but his eyes fixed on mine, like he was trying to speak with his eyes alone. Finally, he said in a low, rough voice, "Bella, we're not leaving."

I stared blankly up at him.

"I'm leaving, Bella."

"_What?_"

Jasper's hands dropped to his sides, his expression was eerily calm as he assessed my reaction. And I simply crossed my arms over my chest and stared him down.

"Oh? Where you going?" I asked, my tone terribly sarcastic, even to my own ears.

"Bells, I'm serious," he said, his lips curling slightly at the edges. He shook his head slightly. "My mind is made up. I'm not staying in Forks." He said it so simply, like it wouldn't change everything.

Behind me, there was a loud crash, and the crowd screamed with excitement.

Slowly, Jasper's words began to sink in. He was leaving… and I wasn't.

"_Why_?" I asked finally, my voice cracking.

"It's just… it's what's best for everyone."

The panic began to rise in my chest again, but this time it was different. This time, this time it was Jasper, my best friend, my brother, my protector, my only family left living, the only person who hadn't left my side since I was _eight goddamn years old_… it was Jasper, and he was leaving me.

"_How? _Jasper, how is this better for _anyone_?"

"Bella, it's hard to explain."

"Well please, try."

"Really?"

I rolled my eyes. "Jasper, _yes_."

"I'm not going to be telling you anything you don't already know," he insisted. "I mean, we can't do this forever, Bells. And Forks, it's the right place for you. You belong here. And I… I just need some time to figure out where _I'm_ supposed to be."

"Jasper, what's wrong with being _here_? You have a great job… and a great boss and Emmett's here and I'm here and what about _Alice? _You think she'll be okay with this?"

Jasper cleared his throat, looking down awkwardly. "Well, actually…"

Then it hit me. "But she knows already. And so does… everybody. Even… even Edward?"

"Yes."

My hands clenched into fists at my side, and I was surprised at my sudden anger, "I can't believe you. I can't believe you'd tell _everyone _before you'd tell me. _Why_?"

"Because I was terrified to tell you, Bella. Do you think this is easy for me?"

"But you don't keep things from me, Jazz."

"I'm telling you _now, _Bella," he sighed.

"Is this about Edward?" I asked, glancing over my shoulder to where Edward was sitting. I wasn't surprised to see three heads turned back, away from the arena, three pairs of curious eyes looking in our direction, whipping back around when they saw me looking back.

"About Edward?" Jasper asked, sounding surprised. He chuckled quietly. "No, Bells. I'm over that, I really, _really_ am. You guys… you're great together."

"Really?" Now it was my turn to be surprised.

"Yeah. He really cares about you. And you deserve to be happy. You both do."

I raised an unconvinced eyebrow. "Uh-huh…"

"I'm serious, Bella," Jasper laughed, shaking his head slightly. "But it's just… after everything that happened at the cabin, and after the way I spoke to Alice that night, I just realized I had to get away. You know, the way I treated her, and the way I treated _you_… I just reminded myself of my father. And Bella, I _never_ want to become him. I won't."

"Jasper, you'll never be your father," I said, my voice softening and my hand reaching for his. "You don't have to leave to prove that."

The deep crease in his forehead was back when he raised his head and looked at me. "I need to _know _that before I can have any sort of healthy relationship with Alice. She deserves better than that. And you said it yourself back at the cabin – I need to let you make your own mistakes, and find your own happiness. And I need to find mine."

I realized then, that there was no stopping this. Jasper was going to move on, he was going to pack up the Mustang, just like he had so many times. But this time, there'd only be on suitcase in the trunk. This time there'd be no Hummingbird in the backseat. And this time, he could listen to Journey on repeat as many times as he wanted to.

"When?" I asked, feeling defeated, "When are you leaving?"

He was silent. His eyes were on his boots when he spoke. "Tomorrow."

"Like… the one that comes after today?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"That would be the one."

My face fell. "Jasper… why? And why so _soon_?"

"Because I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, then I never will. The car's ready, I have everything in order, and tonight will be a great night, so I figured the time couldn't be more perfect. Leave on a good note."

I couldn't find the right words, so instead I found myself wrapping my arms around him. Because, really, what do you say when you've been told that one of the most important people in you life are packing up their bags and leaving you behind? Do you kick and scream and beg them to stay? Do you just say good-bye? Or do you simply turn your back and walk away?

"I'll still going north," he was telling me, his chin resting on my shoulder, his hands rubbing up and down my back. "I'm going to Canada, just like we planned. I won't be far, Bells. I'll be a phone call and a few hours drive away."

"You need a passport or something to get across the border," I told him, trying not to let the hope that he'd forgotten this little piece of information seep into my voice.

He chuckled lightly. "I know, Bells. I've got it handled. One of my dad's old friends was able to point me in the direction of a guy in Port Angeles that could help me out."

"Ah, and probably, like, completely legally too, huh?" I said bitterly. "You know if you get tossed in jail, I won't bail you out, right?"

He laughed. "Yeah you will," he said quietly.

I sighed. He was right.

"Did you get me a passport, Jazz?" I asked, finally releasing my hold on him and taking a step back.

He didn't answer, but his gaze dropped to the green grass at my feet.

"You _did_, didn't you? Jasper… why?'

"Because… I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't know what we were going to do. And I wasn't going to just leave you here, Bells. I didn't want to abandon you. But I know now that if I leave you behind, I won't be abandoning you. You belong here, Bella," he said simply. "Besides, if you're going to come visit me, you'll need it."

"Yeah, it's going to be a blast walking to Canada."

"Yeah…" A slow smile crept on Jasper's face. "About that."

"About what?" I asked, confused.

"Your… transportation situation. Jake's working on rebuilding an old truck, and he's willing to sell it to you for a really good price. And I might have already told him you'd take it."

Instantly, I brightened. "An old truck… like my old truck?"

A proud smile stretched across Jasper's face. "Very similar, yeah."

"That's…" my voice trailed off and I narrowed my eyes teasingly, "You're totally bribing me, but I'll take it."

"I knew you would. And you're going to love it, I promise." He pressed his lips lightly to my forehead, and I found myself smiling.

"I won't be far," he repeated quietly. "If you need me, if anything happens… I'll be here as soon as I can." The threat was clear in his low voice. Maybe he was okay with Edward and I, maybe they'd made their peace… but it didn't mean that Jasper still didn't have my back. Somehow, I found great comfort in that.

When he released me, Jasper threw his arm over my shoulder, smiling as we began walking back to our friends sprawled out on the grass. "It will all work out, Bells," he told me. "I just know it will."

"Sounds to me like somebody has a little faith in all this, huh?" I joked, poking him in the ribs.

"I guess so," he laughed, and I watched him from the corner of my eye, grinning. I still wasn't used to seeing Jasper just so… _happy_. Honestly, I think that was the only reason I wasn't fighting this more – I loved seeing him this way. And maybe that's why he suddenly accepted this thing between Edward and I too. He could see my happiness… and we loved each other too much to stand in the way of that.

Jasper squeezed me once more as we approached the group, and I stepped toward Edward's direction. I almost didn't see the blonde at my feet, sitting a little too close to Edward, _my _Edward, until I was practically tripping over her.

"Oh," I gasped, taking a step back in surprise at the unexpected visitor occupying my spot. She was wearing a white baseball hat, and silky, poker-straight hair fell down her back. She craned her neck up, flashing a set of gleaming white teeth as she beamed up at me.

"Hi, Bella," she said, her voice cheerful and her grin earnest. Sea-green eyes sparkled at me from under her cap, "I'm Tanya. It's great to finally meet you."

**x.x.x**

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**The Twilighted forum can be found at: ****www (dot) twilighted (dot)net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=44&t=9295******

******We are about 5 chapters away from the end, and obviously something is a'brewin'. I think we should place bets: Miss Tanya: red herring or she-devil? :)**

******Thanks for reading!  
**


	21. The Great Divide

_Chapter 21: __The Great Divide  
_

**So, this is the first of two updates tonight (I know, right?) It was originally one chapter, but there I felt like there was just so much happening, I needed to split it up. **

**Because it's been forever since I've updated, here's a little recap of what's happening in IR2Y-land:**

**- Tanya showed up at Edward's house the morning of the 4th of July, while Bella is at a pancake breakfast.**

**- Bella and Edward get into a little argument, he snaps at her for drinking at 10am and she gets all defensive and bitchy back. It's all very ridiculous. They make up.  
**

**- The gang goes to the parade and then the demolition derby**

**- Jasper breaks the news to Bella that he is leaving. Tomorrow. **

**- The always lovely Tanya makes her second appearance. **

**_And that's what happened last time on I Run to You..._**

**_

* * *

_**

**You can catch me  
Don't you run  
Don't you run  
If you live another day  
In this happy little house  
The fire's here to stay**

**_Little House, Amanda Seyfried_**

**x.x.x_  
_**

**Bella. **

"Bella? Bells."

Someone was shaking my arm gently, slowly rousing me from a dreamless sleep. I let out a groan, rolling over and squinting up in the dim light. "Jazz?" I asked, my voice cracked and raw. The air in the room was heavy. I felt his pain before I saw it. I felt it before I even felt my own.

Jasper looked down at me, his hand still gripping my arm, like he was trying to hold me there and drag me out of bed all at the same time. I rubbed my eyes, feeling the mattress behind me blindly for a sleeping body next to me. Except… there was nothing there. As I began to wake up fully, I took in my surroundings, and realized I wasn't in the same bed I had woken up in practically every morning over the past few weeks.

I was under the scratchy sheets in my double bed in room 117 of Forks Inn.

My chest constricted in panic as a feeling of dread washed over me.

Something was wrong.

"Bells, I'm leaving." He spoke slowly, and I took in his pained expression as he watched me. My hand reached up without thinking, his cheek cupped gently in my palm, my thumb slowly gazing over a dark purple bruise under his eye. He winced at my touch and my hand dropped to the bed. I let out a shaky breath. I wanted to stop remembering. I wanted him to stop looking at me like that.

His next words were barely a whisper. "Are you coming?"

I sat up slowly; the green walls seemed to spin around me as I did. The air around me seemed too heavy, too hot. I studied the shape at the foot of my bed, realizing it was my suitcase and my guitar. Packed and ready to go.

Ready to run.

I closed my eyes and tried not to think about him. I tried to stop the memories of last night from flooding my brain, I tried to stop his words from ringing in my ears, I tried to stop the pain that seemed to grow exponentially with every passing second.

_He wanted this. _

I stared at Jasper's face for a long time before I could form the right words. Before I could decide if I was strong enough to leave him. Before I could decide what really was the right thing to do now. My body shook, and I fought back tears with all my strength. The words caught in my throat as I spoke them, and they came out sounding like a question. I wondered if Jasper could even understand what I'd said.

Really, it was simple – yes or no. Stay or go.

But, nothing's ever really that simple.

Because when the question is, when love's chasing you – where do you run?

**x.x.x**

**Bella**.

_Earlier the day before… _

Tanya, in one word, was _bright. _Annoyingly so. She was smart, she was kind of beautiful, and she was chipper in a way that made Alice look shy and also made me suspicious that she was extremely fake. But maybe my judgment was clouded. Maybe it was because I was expecting some bleach-blonde, muffin-top, red dragon clawed, snaggle-toothed monster. And maybe because bright, sunny, annoyingly fake Tanya was sitting in my spot. And she was sitting next to _my _Edward. A man that, only a few weeks ago, had pretty much been hers.

I just looked over at her from the corner of my eye as I stepped around her and plopped down on the ground on the other side of Edward. I was so not up for this shit. Not only had my best friend just told me he was leaving Forks, leaving me behind, but I walk back to my spot to find the ex-whatever of my current… _Edward… _sitting in my spot? No. Just… not gonna fly.

Yeah, Edward had told me about Tanya, and she just... wasn't what I was expecting.

Tanya kind of squealed when Edward warily introduced the two of us, and it was then that I noticed the quality about Tanya that I hated the most – Tanya liked to talk. A fucking lot.

"I've been so excited to meet you, Bella. Are you having fun? I just love the Fourth of July – it's so nice to get out of the city for holidays like this. All the people and all the partying? It's just not my thing, at least not like that. And it's such a great day for this. I mean, usually we don't luck out like this on the Fourth. Remember last year?" Tanya nudged Edward. "It was completely pissing rain."

"I remember." Edward's voice was quiet. Even thought Tanya was blabbering away next to him, I could tell his attention was on me. I could almost see those worry-filled emerald eyes watching me through the dark lenses of his sunglasses. And I just didn't want him to be looking at me like that – I didn't want to have to think about it, I didn't want to think about Jasper leaving, or what this all meant, or just any of it. I didn't want to think about the end. So instead, even though I just knew I was going to fucking regret it, I turned to Tanya in hopes of redirecting some of the attention off of me.

"Where are you from, Tanya?" I asked, my eyes carefully avoiding Edward.

"Seattle," she replied, leaning forward so she could see me.

I tried my best to sound interested, I really did. "How long have you lived there?"

"My whole life," Tanya said. "My dad's a doctor at Seattle General and my mom's a nurse. It's actually how we met Carlisle and Esme – Carlisle and my dad did their residency together. Then I took early social work at U-Dub and that's how I became close with Edward. Well, actually, he was a terrible influence on me," she laughed, nudging Edward again at some inside joke, "I missed so many classes thanks to this slacker. It's a wonder we managed to pass. Well, I mean at least one of us did."

Tanya giggled and Edward rolled his eyes, and I stared at the two of them realizing that Tanya held this piece, the piece of Edward I would never know, the piece of Edward I had missed. And beautiful, blonde, smiling, University degree, baseball hat-wearing Tanya held it in the very palm of her hand.

Then I realized it was the piece of Edward that did drugs and dropped out of school and I just didn't know how I felt about that.

"So, Bella, where did you go to college?" Tanya asked brightly as she turned to me.

"Oh. I, uh…" I stumbled over the words, and for the first time in my life I wished I had an answer to that question.

"Bella's been travelling," Edward supplied quietly, and I studied the ground in front of me, unable to meet his eyes.

"Oh!" Tanya exclaimed, falling back on her elbows and sighing wistfully. She rolled so she was facing me, her eyes alive with excitement, "Oh, please tell me you've visited Peru. My parents went about five years back and did the whole Machu Picchu thing, and all they could do was _rave a_bout it. I've always wanted to go." She sighed again, tossing her head back. "It just sounds so…_enchanting_."

Suddenly, Emmett was having a coughing fit across the grass and I shot him a glare before answering Tanya, "Um. No, actually… Jasper and I, we've been travelling… travelling the country."

"Oh." Tanya sounded disappointed for a moment, but she quickly masked it with a question I don't think was supposed to be mocking, but might have been, "Did you visit the biggest ball of yarn?"

"Twine," I corrected her, snorting in amusement. "And yeah, we did." I wondered how in the hell you could compare Machu Picchu to a giant ball of twine.

"What other kinds of things did you see, Bella?" Edward asked, his voice sounded slightly wary but he was looking down at me with interest. I'd never really thought of it before, but my travels were something we just never really discussed.

I felt a smile curling on my lips when I glanced back at Jasper before replying. "We went to the most insane tourist attractions. Like, remember the Cadillac Ranch in Texas?"

Jasper chuckled. "I wonder if our names are still spray painted on those cars."

"Fifth car, passenger side tail fin," I recited. "I had to sit on Jasper's shoulders to get up there."

I looked up at Edward to find him staring at me like I was a lunatic.

I opened my mouth to explain, then just shrugged. "Um… maybe you should just Google it when you get a chance."

"I'll have to do that," he chuckled.

I grinned, leaning into Edward and nudging him with my shoulder. I craned my neck to the side, "Well… what else did we do, Jazz?"

"There was the Enchanted Highway in North Dakota."

"Oh yeah! And the Expired Parking Meter Tombstone."

He laughed. "That was just ridiculous. What about the two-storey outhouse?"

"_Two-storey outhouse_?" Emmett burst out. "You didn't… you couldn't… that's not _operational _is it?"

"Totally," Jasper answered, and Emmett made what sounded like a gagging noise in reply.

"It's not like you end up shitting on someone's _head_, Emmett," I laughed. "It's properly engineered and everything. We didn't really believe it at first either, but it's legit."

Emmett shook his head. "That's fucked. What the hell else did you sicko's do?"

I grinned, raising my eyebrows at Em. "Went on a dairy farm tour in Tennessee."

"Woo cows," Emmett pumped his fist sarcastically.

"That was right before the truck died," Jasper sighed, settling back on his elbows, tilting his head toward me. "I've never seen someone so heartbroken over a pile of rust."

"It was sad," I said, narrowing my eyes at Jasper and silently warning him not to push it. _I _wasn't the one who would give her life for a Mustang.

"We hitchhiked, bro," Jasper continued, nodding at Emmett but smirking at me. "Bella thought we were going to be stranded on that highway forever."

"It felt like we _were_. Nobody was stopping. And it didn't help that Jazz hadn't gotten a haircut in like six months - he probably looked like some crazy serial killer. But then Aro came along."

"Aro?" Edward asked curiously.

"Ahh Aro," Jasper sighed dreamily. I reached over and shoved him, laughing.

"Aro was… like out of a movie or something, I swear to god. He was fifty something, drove an old VW van that he had spray painted orange. I think I lost a few days riding in the van… goddamn I'd never been higher in my life. But somehow the three of us ended up going to Bonaroo… then drove clear across the country to get to a folk festival in Arizona."

"Oh, Arizona was amazing. The hippies loved Bella."

"And I loved the hippies." I relaxed back into Edward and looked up at him, grinning. He was playing absentmindedly with a strand of my hair, his cheek resting on my forehead. It had been strange, going back to the state where I grew up and feeling no attachment or emotion towards it. It was just another stop on the way – the road had been my home for a long time already when we ended up in Arizona.

"You guys sure had fun back then, huh?" Edward asked, his voice sounding distant.

"We really did," I agreed, but when Emmett coughed loudly from behind me and I turned to glare at him, I quickly realized my mistake. "But, it was a different kind of fun, you know?" I assured Edward, "It gets kind of old fast, though. And the stories probably make it sound way more fun."

"Not necessarily," Jasper butt in, "I've never told you guys how I managed to acquire the Mustang, have I?"

"Oh, pray tell," Emmett said, leaning in and grinning.

"It's not even that good of a story," I said, rolling my eyes.

"That's just because you can't appreciate the beauty behind it, Bella. See, Rosalie would love this –" he winked over at where Rose was sprawled out on the grass next to Emmett, "There was this old roadie at the festival in Arizona, and he had driven the Mustang up from Tucson. And when everybody was packing up to leave, he couldn't get it started. He had a tow truck on the phone when I offered to give him a hand. He told me that if I could get it started before the tow truck showed up, that I could _have _it. Guess he must have been sick of the tribulations that come along with driving classic car." I snorted his use of the word _'classic' a_nd Jasper shot me a glare before continuing, "He said he was ready to get his hundred bucks for scraps and be done with it. But I guess he must have been in a giving mood. So, well, I went to work." He shrugged. "Bella, of course, told me it was a waste of time."

"_Bella!"_ Emmett chastised, his mouth agape. Rose shushed him and leaned in closer to Jasper.

"It _was _a waste of time. He had virtually no tools."

Jasper held up his hand, quieting me. "But I collected what I could… and what do you know, just as the tow truck pulled into the parking lot, the Mustang fired up."

"And it was the happiest moment of his life," I added sarcastically. "I mean, nothing like a little suspense. Aro had to go piss like seven times in that hour you worked on the car. I thought we were going to have to try and revive him next! But Jasper swears he could have had it stared after twenty minutes, but he just wanted to put on a show."

"I did!"

"_Sure_, Jasper."

"Bells-"

"Jazz-"

We looked at each other and grinned.

"So he gave you the car, just like that?" Rose asked, practically on top of Emmett in an attempt to get closer to hear Jasper's story.

"Yep. He signed the pink slips over to me and, voila! My dream car."

"And we listened to Trooper for a solid month after that in celebration."

"Bella, I _won _a fucking _car_."

"But it wasn't bright and it wasn't white! And there was only one guy, and—"

"What in the _hell _are you two talking about?" Alice interrupted us, looking between Jasper and I in bewilderment. Jasper's face broke out into a grin and mine followed.

"It's… you know what? It's not a big deal, Al," I said. "The important part is that immediately after the Mustang Victory, Aro definitely tried to kill us as a good-bye present."

"_What_?" everybody screeched together.

Jasper laughed, shaking his head slowly. "Bella, don't be dramatic. He took us whitewater rafting," he explained. "In the Colorado River, at the Grand Canyon. And Bella, apparently, isn't a fan of white water rafting."

"It was pretty scary."

"But it was pretty fucking fun."

"Yeah…" I agreed with a sigh. "It was."

I looked over at Jasper and our gazes met as we reminisced. I tried not to feel sad that this was the end of all this. This was all we had left – only the stories of our travels. No more driving all night with the top down and stereo turned all the way up, no more racing through the parking lot of a small gas station in the middle of nowhere to be the first one to the bathroom because it had been forever since we'd last stopped. It was the end – and as much as I'd already come to terms with that… I was going to fucking miss it.

"I went whitewater rafting," Tanya chimed in, and I turned to her slowly, my mind still trying to process the fact that she was still here. And that she hadn't opened her mouth in the past five minutes. "We went down to Colorado, Spring Break of sophomore year," she continued, "I didn't think it was scary at all. It was a blast. You were there, weren't you, Edward?"

"No, I wasn't." I didn't know if it was just wishful thinking, but it sounded to me like Edward was annoyed. A part of me was cheering inside because _hell _all I wanted to do was to tell the bitch to shut the fuck up and let me have a moment with my best friend who was going to be leaving me in less than twenty-four hours.

"No, I'm sure you were there. We stayed in the huge cabin at Donny's mom and dads. And remember, Chrissy and Andy refused to come out of their rooms the entire week? And then-" Tanya started laughing but Edward cut her off.

"I didn't go with you guys that year," he said flatly. "I was sick. I remember. Trust me."

"All right, all right," Tanya said, still laughing slightly. "You're probably right. But that was a _wild_ trip."

"Though I'm sure it was week-long bender that ended up with you at two different musical festivals clear across the country from each other and then in a raft heading the Colorado River, right?" Jasper cut in and I couldn't help but mentally fist-pump at his words.

"Um, yeah, I'm pretty sure you've got me beat there," Tanya agreed, smiling widely over at Jasper, and for a moment I swear it looked like she had her teeth bared in an evil snarl.

I shuddered at the image, and immediately felt Edward's hand on my back. "You okay? You cold?" he asked softly before placing a kiss on the top of my head.

"No I'm… I'm good." I smiled and curled into his side, and as childish and unnecessary as it was, a part of me wanted to stick my tongue out in Tanya's direction. But I'd look like a fucking lunatic, considering she really hadn't done anything to warrant my bitchiness. I just wasn't used to having competition when it came to Edward – we were each other's first and only back in the day. And god, how I missed that sometimes. No exes, no baggage, no history.

It all seemed to simple back then.

I grabbed my smokes from the ground beside me and I lit two, because Edward had forgotten his at home. And I leaned my head on his shoulder, just breathing him in. I felt him let out a long breath into my hair. And despite the chaos ensuing around us, the moment felt to serene.

But it seemed that all too soon our moment of peace was being disrupted as the derby came to a close. The guys were tossing around words like "barbeque" and "steak" and I felt my stomach growling in agreement as I tried to block out a conversation between Alice and Tanya. For some reason I sensed some tension between the two girls, and was relieved to see that Alice wasn't exactly Team Tanya, either.

So we began to pack up our things and piled into vehicles, heading back to Alice and Edward's for food and drinks before Alice and I had to be back at the bar. Tanya had to pass on dinner but promised she'd stop by The Whiskey later and buy us all a round. She waved good-bye and went skipping off in the opposite direction than I had expected, making her way towards the now demolished cars and waving at Jake. I shrugged to myself as I watched her, not knowing enough about anybody's situation to even guess what that was about.

We rode back to Edward and Alice's with the top down, honking and laughing at the vehicles that drove by waving giant American flags out their windows. The patriotic spirit of the celebration seemed contagious. When we arrived at the house, Emmett threw his arms over my shoulder as we walked down the stone path the led to the backyard and I smiled up at him.

"You all right?" he asked, his voice low. He ducked his head down to speak into my ear.

"…Yeah," I answered slowly, my gaze finding Jasper where he stood on the patio with Alice, already handing out cold cans of beer. I watched as he spiraled one to Edward and as Edward caught it, they both looked at each other and grinned. Their newfound bromance made me smile. "Yeah, I think… I think I'm gonna be just fine."

"You're tough, Swan," Emmett said, squeezing me slightly. "You've been through a lot of shit, and you deserve to be happy, you know."

"Thanks, Em." I leaned my head on his shoulder, and as we approached our smiling, laughing group of friends, I truly believe that everything was going to be all right. Because for one moment, I let myself believe that I really could have it all.

But I should have known better than that.

**x.x.x**

We hung out in the backyard for a couple of hours. The guys grilled burgers and we played Beersbee, knocking empty beer cans off of tiki torches with a Frisbee. It was guys against girls, which probably wasn't fair because neither Alice nor I were really all that good. Rose, on the other hand, gave Edward, Jasper and Emmett all a run for their money. But by the time Jasper started up the Mustang and Alice and I were getting ready to head down to The Whiskey, we were both pretty drunk. But we were all good and buzzed, so we didn't think much of it.

And I had almost forgotten about… everything. Snapping on Edward, Jasper leaving, Tanya… just, everything. The sun was still out, the guys had just cooked us an _amazing _dinner, and I was having a blast with my friends. And I felt like… well… like I was on top of the world. Yeah, Jasper was leaving, but all I had to do was look at Edward and know that everything was going to be okay.

I caught Edward in a leaping-hug before we left, spilling his beer on his shirt and then laughing like a maniac about it. He grinned, wrapping his arms around me to hold me to him, and kissed my chin, which really only made me laugh harder. I could feel the dampness of the beer on his shirt soaking into mine, but I didn't pull away.

"Hi," I mumbled against his skin, my lips pressed to his neck.

"Hi," he replied, and I felt his lips curl into a smile against my cheek, "Are you even going to be able to _pour_ drinks tonight?"

"I'll be _fiiiine_." I pulled back, waving him off. "It's just a little buzz. I've been drunker."

"Now that I believe." I knew he meant it as a joke, but his words still stung.

"Can we not?"

He looked down. "Sorry."

I knew he meant it, and I really didn't want to get into it, so I brushed it off. "It's all right. Now look, I really do have to get going."

"Okay, but I just wanted to make sure you're cool with Tanya dropping by later? Because I can tell her not to-"

"Edward," I interrupted him by pressing my lips to his. I pulled back, grinning. "It's okay. Really. I mean, yeah she's a bit annoying and superficial but… I find that most girls are, anyway. It's just weird… wrapping my head around the fact that you even have an _ex. _That's just shit I've never had to deal with before. But that's no reason for me to go all psyco-controlling-freakshow girlfriend on you."

"That wouldn't make you a psyco-controlling-freakshow," Edward laughed, wrapping his arms more tightly around me. He brought his lips to the top of my head, and I pressed my cheek into his chest, inhaling deeply. "It makes you human. I can't even imagine how I'd react if I had to watch you hang around one of your exes. Just promise me you'll keep and eye on her, Bella, she can be very-"

"Edward"?

I felt him smile. "Hm?"

"I love you."

The words sounded so good in my head, but once they left my mouth they hung awkwardly in the air between us. Edward stiffened ever so slightly, inhaling sharply. And I cringed, my drunken mind struggling to process just why in the hell this was such a bad thing to have said. I pulled away to find him looking at me, his eyes wide in a deer-in-the-headlights kind of way.

"What?" I asked, my voice confused and hurt.

He shook his head slowly. "You're drunk."

"Doesn't mean it's not true," I said, unable to meet his gaze any longer.

His mouth opened and closed a few times like he was struggling to find the right words.

"Alice and Jasper are waiting for you," he said finally, his voice quiet. "I'll see you in a bit, Bella."

He turned his back, his head ducked down and his shoulders hunched, and I stood there, blinking back tears as I watched him walk away.

**x.x.x**

Alice watched me carefully the entire drive to The Whiskey. She could tell that something was obviously up. And I had to hand it to her, she waited until we'd unlocked the front door and taken down all the chairs before she gently asked what was wrong. So, in the few minutes of silence we had before the bar opened up, I told her about what had happened when Edward and I had parted ways earlier. And she'd hugged me, so simple and warm, and told me everything was going to be just fine.

"You just caught him off guard, Bella," she told me, "And I'm sure you know that Edward doesn't deal well with surprises of that nature. He loves you though, Bella, you _know _he does."

"I know he _did_," I grumbled, downing a shot of Jack Daniels. Alice watched me, her frown disapproving. "But his reaction was like – like I'd told him I was fucking _pregnant_ or something." I closed my eyes, letting the whiskey work its way through my veins. My fingers wrapped around the cool glass of the bottle as I poured another shaky shot. "I'd say I wish I could take it back, but I don't. I meant it, you know. I shouldn't have to be afraid to tell the person I love how much I care about him! It shouldn't make me feel like _this_." I threw back the shot, swallowing quickly and fighting back a shiver. Gently, Alice removed my fingers from the bottle and placed it back on the shelf behind her.

"Do you think he loves me?" I asked, hanging my head.

"I don't think he ever really stopped," Alice responded quietly.

I stared off toward the back of the bar, my vision beginning to swim. "Today had been real shitty, you know. We had our first fight this morning. Then Jasper… Jasper's _leaving_. And Tanya… now _this_. And I was having so much fun earlier… and now… now I just want this day to be over." I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging on the ends in frustration.

"Bella?"

"Huh?"

"Are you PMS-ing?"

My cringe turned into a giggle, and I shook my head. "No, Alice, but thanks for asking."

"Hey, you can never be too sure." Her smile melted into a concerned look, "If you're really not up to it, I can see if Emmett or Jake will cover for you," she said, "You can go back to my place and relax."

I shook my head. "Jasper's leaving tomorrow." And just like that, I was crying. "I'm sorry," I apologized as Alice came and wrapped me in a hug, my tears falling on her shirt.

"And you're _sure_ you're not PMS-ing?" she giggled.

"_Alice_!" I wailed, laughing through my tears. "I'm not! I'm just… I don't know. Just… please don't tell Jasper when he gets back here," I made her promise. "I don't want him to have to worry about this… whatever it is."

"Okay," she agreed quietly, smoothing back my hair. "Now come on, let's go get cleaned up. I'm pretty sure I still have dirt on my face from when I fell in the flowerbed trying to catch that Frisbee." And I smiled as I followed her, because she still did.

**x.x.x**

* * *

**Any thoughts before you head over to the next chapter? **


	22. Running Red Lights

_Chapter 22: Running Red Lights  
_

**Just so no one is confused, this is the second of two updates today. If you ended up on this chapter first by accident, just head back to Ch21 :)**

**Thanks so much for reading xoxo  
**

* * *

**We run on fumes**  
** Your life and mine**  
** Like the sands of time**  
** Slippin' right on through**

_**I Run to You - Lady Antebellum**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella.  
**

Edward was exponentially more drunk when he, Jasper, Rose and Emmett finally walked through the door. I could see it right away. His eyes were bloodshot, his arrogant stroll just a little too fluid. Emmett let out a loud whoop when the four of them approached the bar, and I turned my back, wondering if it would be too melodramatic of me to throw something. It wasn't fair that they could all sit around getting hammered, and Edward had to be on my case about me drinking. Just because his dad was a fucking alcoholic didn't mean everybody in his life was. I was twenty-two damn years old and sometimes I just needed a fucking drink, just like every other person in this bar. And all I wanted to do was run over to the bar and yell those words in his face, but I managed to stop myself. It was Jasper's last night. I _wanted_ it to be drama free. And I didn't want him to witness an argument between Edward and I and turn into over-protective Jasper mode and change his mind about leaving. Because as badly as I wanted him to stay, I knew he had to go.

So I kept busy – the bar was just as hectic as we'd imagined and Edward knew better than to get in our way when we were so busy. Alice poured the drinks and I served them, keeping my distance from Edward until I began to cool down. Eventually Jake came in to help, first giving Alice a break, and then me. And when it was my turn I really had no choice but to go sit with the rest of the group.

"We're doing shots for Jasper," Emmett informed me when I sat down, his charming grin impossible to resist. "Whatever shot you choose, he has to do it – but so do you." His hand was on Rose's knee, his big blue eyes sad despite the smile on his face. It was then that I realized that watching Jasper leave would be almost as hard for him as it was going to be for me.

Jasper looked up at me, his bleary drunk eyes pleading me to go easy on him. But we both knew I wouldn't. I laughed, beginning to loosen up, and slipped behind the bar, reaching for bottles around Jake as he lined up glasses for drinks. Jasper tried to peek over the bar as I mixed the two shots, but Rose shooed him away, watching me with a mischievous grin. I put the bottles away, sliding the shots over the counter. Jasper eyed them warily.

"What is it?"

"It's called a Bleeding Liver."

He picked it up, making a face. "What's in it?"

"Try it and find out."

He looked at me, sighing. "I must really love ya, Bells," he muttered before clinking his shot against mine and tipping his head back. When I swallowed and set the glass back down on the counter, my eyes automatically sought out Edward, but he was gone.

Jasper licked his lips as he handed me his glass. "That was nowhere near as bad as Emmett's," he told me.

I looked across the counter at Em, cringing. "It didn't involve bodily fluids, did it?"

"A gentleman never tells," he winked.

"_Emmett!_ Gross."

He laughed and beckoned me around the counter. "You're such a prude, Swan. Get your ass over here." Making a face at him, I obliged, smacking Emmett lightly in the back of the head before settling myself down in Jasper's lap.

I sat around with them for a while, trying to keep up with their conversations but gluing my eyes on the clock and the door all the while, awaiting Edward's return. But there was no sign of him. With only a few minutes left in my break, I grabbed a cigarette and clenched my now empty pack and a lighter in my fist as I slipped out the back door, hoping for a little privacy so I could collect my thoughts before I had to get back to work. But of course, it was there I found Edward. He was sitting in the alley, his back against the brick wall and his head in his hands. I paused in the doorway, taking a deep breath, before leaning my back against the wall and lighting my cigarette.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, without looking up. For a second I wondered how he knew it was me, then I realize it was just one of those things.

His head titled up to me, his green eyes full of apologies and his hair glowing copper in the setting sunlight, reminding me so much of our very first meeting. Back when we thought we knew everything… back when we knew nothing at all.

"I just never expected to say it again, you know?" he went on, sounding like he was struggling with the right words to say, "And… I guess I just hadn't thought about it… I mean, _of course _I do, Bella, you know I do… it's just harder to say out loud than I expected. And I think… maybe without the alcohol, it would have been harder for you to say, too. And I didn't want it to be like _that_."

"We're almost twenty-three, you know," I stated, my voice strangely detached. I rolled my cigarette between my fingertips, watching as the ash floated slowly towards the pavement at my feet. "We need to stop acting like teenagers."

He looked up at me, surprised. "We're not-"

I cut him off with a sigh. "I feel like we're having the same fights we would have had in high school… and handling it the same, too. We can't just default back to that, Edward. We fight, we ignore each other a few hours, then we make up. But we're not sixteen anymore, we've grown up – or we're supposed to have. And when someone tells you they love you, you're not supposed to act like the world is ending, especially if you claim to love them back. And if something's wrong, _tell me_, don't just push me away." I glanced over at him. "You know, maybe I'm the runaway… but you do a lot of running yourself."

He slouched even further, and I could tell I hit the nail on the head. "I'm sorry," was all he managed, his voice meek.

"I don't want your apologies, and I don't want your excuses. I just need to know. Do you love me, Edward?"

"Yes, Bella," he breathed, his words a prayer.

"Then say it."

He looked down again. "I can't… not now. It's just not right."

"Is it ever right?" I wondered.

"Yes," he said firmly.

I let out a long breath, and we fell into silence. I chewed on my thumbnail, trying to stop myself from thinking too much about the fact that he hadn't said it, or wondering just what exactly he was so afraid of. I glanced over at him, trying to push all my anxiety aside, and glimpsed at the light reflecting off the glass of a beer bottle sitting on the ground between his legs.

"You can't make me feel like shit all the time about drinking," I said, breaking the silence slowly, knowing I was treading lightly on another landmine but unable to stop. "I realize that maybe… maybe I do drink more than I should. But you have to understand that for a long time, I didn't have much consistency in my life. And it's nice, you know, to have something that can remind you of home. And that bottle... that was it for me." I felt a sad smile play at the corner of my lips as I recalled my family; Jasper, Jack Daniels, and me.

"You have a home now, Bella."

The smile faded, and I tossed my cigarette butt on the ground. "I know."

He looked over at me, and we just stared at each other, and I got the feeling that he was looking for something as his green eyes assessed mine. I didn't know if he found it or not, but when I shifted uncomfortably his eyes flickered across the darkening alley.

"You're okay with Jasper leaving?" he changed the subject again, and it was then that I realized how much was really going unsaid between us.

I hesitated. "Not _okay… _but Jasper, well, he has to do his own thing."

He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it quickly, his gaze still fixed somewhere on the street across from him. "All right," he said instead.

I wanted to ask him what was "all right" exactly, but Alice chose that moment to stick her head out the back door. "Hey," she said, her eyes apologetic. "Sorry, but, um, it's getting pretty busy in here."

"I'll be right there," I promised, and walked to the dumpster and tossed my empty pack in as Edward got to his feet. When I'd turned around, the door had swung shut and Alice had disappeared back inside.

"Come here," he said simply, holding his arms open for me and I pressed myself into his chest, my arms clenched around his torso, wondering why I felt farther away from him now than I had in years.

**x.x.x**

Alice hadn't been kidding. The bar was packed. For the next hour or so I stumbled and weaved around people as I brought drinks to full tables, stuffed bills in my apron, and counted out change. I snuck a few drinks in when Embry and Quil insisted on buying me shots of whatever they happened to be drinking at the time. And I even managed to be decently pleasant to Tanya when she finally showed up, ordering a Jack and Diet and earning an eye-roll from Alice as she poured it. But there seemed to be some unstated animosity between the two of us now, as if the truce at the park at been called off, and I felt, for the first time, that she wasn't going to let go of Edward as easily as it had seemed. Which really, considering everything, was just about _perfect _timing.

"Bella," she greeted me with the slight nod of her head, tipping back her glass tumbler and taking a sip. I glanced up at her and forced a tight smile as I loaded up my tray with beer to take to a group playing pool in the back.

"I didn't realize you worked here too. That must… keep you busy." This time I knew I wasn't imagining the contempt in her voice.

"It's a great job. We have a lot of fun. And the money keeps me fed," I replied shortly, grabbing a rag and swiping angrily at nonexistent spills on the counter.

Tanya raised her eyebrows and nodded slowly. "Hmmm…"

"What?" I asked.

"Well… it's just," she leaned across the bar towards me, lowering her voice, "See, Edward's always been something of a gentleman. He really likes to take care of his women, if you know what I mean."

I felt my entire body stiffen. "That's great, but I really don't need Edward to take care of me," I said shortly.

"Maybe so, but Bella, I see you've become close with some very good friends of mine. Therefore, I consider us to be friends," she gestured between the two of us innocently, but the look in her eye said that we were anything _but _friends. "And as your friend… I think you should know that if Edward were really serious about having you in his life, he'd never let you work in a place like this. The man has more money then he knows what to do with, _trust me. _And like I said, he likes to take care of his women." She took another sip of her drink, shaking her head in mock sympathy as her eyes assessed me.

I tossed the rag angrily in the sink behind me, whipping back to face Tanya. "Believe it or not, I don't need to rely on Edward's money to survive. I can take care of myself," I spat, narrowing my eyes. "And if Edward were concerned about _keeping me_ he'd know better than to even suggest that I live off his money. I don't need that kind of 'taking care of'. But thanks so much for your concern, _friend_."

A slow smile spread on Tanya's lips, a smile that did not extend to the rest of her face. She stirred her drink lazily, her gaze slowly meeting mine, "Just watch out, Bella. He's got a short attention span, this one. I'm just saying that maybe you should get everything from him while you can, before he walks away from you for some two-bit _barmaid_." The smile on her lips grew as she pushed herself off the stool and waltzed away.

I gripped the counter with shaking hands, fuming silently as I watched her take a seat at the table beside Edward. I felt Alice's hand covering mine, slowly loosening my grip on the counter. I dropped my arms to my sides, allowing myself to relax when she touched my shoulder soothingly. "What did she do?" she asked. Without even waiting for an answer, she continued, "Don't let you get to her, Bella. I've never liked that bitch. She's just trying to get under your skin. And if she wasn't practically my cousin, I'd… I'd…"

"Alice, don't worry about it," I said, my attention still on the table across the room. "I'll handle her." I glared at her from behind her back as I watched her lean into Edward at the table where they sat, all laughing about something. I felt helpless, like I was watching the last few weeks dissolve before my eyes. But Edward had promised me… he didn't want her anymore. This wasn't about stupid fights and those unsaid words, this was about me and him, Edward and Bella, and it wasn't a game anymore. And I didn't care what Tanya was playing at, she didn't know what she was coming between. She didn't know how long I'd waited for this, and no stupid fights and no ex-girlfriends were going to ruin it for me. That I was sure of.

But then I thought of my conversation with Edward in the alley, and they way he had just _looked _at me. And though I pushed it aside, I couldn't help but think that maybe… just maybe, he was having second thoughts. And as I forced myself to get back to work, I watched him finish off another beer and couldn't help but think that maybe he _wasn't _ready to leave his hard partying ways behind just yet. And I couldn't help but fear that maybe… just maybe… Tanya knew this, and maybe Tanya knew him better that I ever would.

"-Bella? _Bellaaaa?"_

I snapped out of my thoughts when a hand waved in front of my face. Shaking myself, I looked up at the owner of that hand to find Emmett watching me, a bemused expression on his face.

"You shouldn't think so hard, Swan," Emmett leaned down, his heavy hand clapping my shoulder, "You're likely to pull something, you know."

"Sorry," I said, smiling up at him meekly.

"Oh, don't apologize," he continued on, a mischievous glint in his blue eyes, "You know how I just adore watching your pain."

I rolled my eyes. "You're such a good friend, Emmett."

He puffed his chest out proudly. "I am, aren't I?"

I shook my head, laughing to myself. "So… what can I get you?"

"Huh?"

"…To drink." I gestured impatiently to the bar behind me. "You know, that's generally how a bar works. People gather here… you order a drink, and then I bring it to you. Then you socialize… bust a move… throw on a lampshade… you know, whatever."

"Ah, so that's what this is." Emmett looked around, scratching his head in mock confusion. Then his face broke out into a grin, "Nah, I just came to harass you. I feel like you're getting left out of this nice little soiree."

I glanced over at the table, where Edward was leaning back in his chair and Tanya was talking animatedly, both of them grinning. "Yeah," I said bitterly, turning back to Em.

Emmett put his hand on my arm, his touch surprisingly gentle for such an immense man. "What did she say?"

I blinked up at him in shock. "What do you mean?"

He rolled his eyes. "It's written all over your face. Just… don't worry about that bimbo, Bells. If it helps, Alice and Rose don't seem to like her very much, the only thing Jake seems interested in is her tits, and Jasper's been making fun of her since she sat down. Except… I'm not sure she's smart enough to realize he's making fun of her. And me? Well, I'd be in the same boat as Jake is if Rose wasn't sitting right next to me watching me like a hawk. But Tanya doesn't hold a candle to Bella fucking Swan."

"Thanks, Em," I said halfheartedly, because I noticed that a certain person seemed to be left out of Emmett's little Tanya-bashing role call. I glanced back over at Edward, watching as Tanya whispered something in his ear. A jealousy I had never known before stirred in my chest as I watched them both get up from their chairs and slink out the back door without a glance backwards. But I couldn't help but notice a satisfied looking smile on the lips of Tanya as they made their exit, and I had a feeling that she knew exactly what she was doing to me.

I shook my head and turned my back and returned to serving tables, a forced smile on my lips until the first loud _crack _exploded somewhere outside the building. I started, looking around in surprise only to see that hardly anyone seemed as panicked over the sound as I was. People started grabbing jackets and moving outside, and I looked across the bar to Alice, my confusion written clearly on my face.

"It's the fireworks," she explained with a giggle. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she confirmed it with a nod, "They start at eleven. You ready for a break, woman?"

I tossed my tray on the bar and slipped out of my apron, and nodded "Am I ever."

"Come on," Alice said, skipping around the counter to join me. Linking her arm with mine, we headed towards the front door, leaving Jake to supervise the few straggling customers. We stepped out the door just as a ball of blue light shot into the dark night sky, erupting with a _crack_ before it began showering toward the ground as if in slow motion. The appropriate _ahhhh _resounded from the crowd gathered in the parking lot.

The night air was a lot chillier than I had expected, and Alice tightened her grip on my arm in an effort to share body heat. "I just love fireworks," she stated, bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet as she used her free hand to rub up and down her exposed arm. I smiled to myself, not surprised by the statement. Alice generally liked things that were sparkly and bright. She glanced over at me as the next firework lit up the sky, misreading my smile, "Are you feeling better?"

I shrugged. "Tanya makes me want to throw things, but I'll be all right."

"You sure? You and Edward talked, huh?"

"Yeah…"

"That doesn't sound very good."

I shrugged. "No, it's fine. It's just been a weird night. _He's_ been weird tonight. I didn't expect him to, like, completely ignore me when Tanya got here. But, whatever. He's got to do what he's got to do."

Alice glanced over her should and then smirked at me. "Well, I wish guys ignored me like Edward ignores you, because he's heading right this way." I glanced behind us to see Edward weaving through the crowd, his eyes set on where Alice and I stood. His eyes at a mischievous, excited glint in them, and he smiled when our gazes met. I smiled back, wondering what in the hell he had to be so happy about. But then I reminded myself that it was Tanya's words, not his that had made me so upset. He didn't deserve to be punished for thing's she had said to me – hell, he probably had no idea she was being such a bitch to me.

Alice dropped my arm. "I'm… just gonna go bug Jasper for a bit. See ya!" With a peck on the cheek, she went rushing across the parking lot. I slowly turned to face Edward as a firework cracked in the air above me. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans in an effort to warm them and smiled up at Edward.

"There you are," he greeted me, his lips landing somewhere around my hairline and his arms wrapping around my body. He pulled away almost instantly, "Jesus, Bella, you're freezing. Here, I thought you might need this," he unfolded the jacket he had hanging from his arm and draped it gently around my shoulders before I could even protest. "It cools down here at night, especially when the sky is so clear," he informed me. I smiled to myself and had to refrain from mocking him. I wasn't an idiot – but my little scientist was so cute. He gently freed my hair from under the jacket and then pulled the collar tight around my neck, "Better?" he asked.

"Much," I replied softly, leaning into his chest. My forehead pressed against his collarbone and his arms wound themselves around my waist, his cool fingers slipping under the jacket and under my shirt. I shivered against him and he let out a soft laugh.

"I've missed you… I feel like I haven't seen you all night," he said, his fingers digging into the small of my back as he tried to pull me closer. His head ducked down and a moment later I felt his soft lips against my ear. He hummed gently in my ear, yanking me harder against him.

I laughed, swatting him teasingly. "_Edward," _I chastised_. "_I know. And when I have seen you… we've been fighting. Or you've been trying to get some, apparently."

"Yeah, that really needs to stop."

"Which? The fighting or the getting some?"

"The fighting. Definitely the fighting. Unless…" his voice trailed off, "well, make-up sex is always good."

_"Edward," _I laughed. I hadn't seen him the wound-up in… well… _ever_. "What are you, seventeen again? How much have you had to drink?"

"Enough to appreciate the absolute sexiness of my girl." His hands slipped down and he squeezed my ass tightly just as his lips touched my neck.

I couldn't help myself – I threw back my head and laughed. "Edward, please. They'll be plenty of time for that later."

"Only if you promise," he said, his hands squeezing my ass a little more gently this time.

"I _promise_."

That seemed to satiate him. He wound his arms back around my waist, pulling me so I was snuggled against his chest. We were silent for a moment, the air exploding around us. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and opened my mouth to ask him where he'd gone with Tanya before the fireworks started, but thought better of it. I didn't want to talk about her or even think about her when Edward and I were having our first real moment of alone time in what felt like all day.

"So have you been having a good night? You know… despite the fact your boyfriend has been such a total fuck-up today… and ignoring the fact that this is a good-bye party of sorts for your best friend…"

"And the fact that my boyfriend's ex has decided to pop in?" I added in a teasing tone, the fact that he'd actually used the word _boyfriend _for the first time in five years not escaping my attention.

Edward pulled back slightly and looked down at me, laughing. "Uh… yeah. This must be kind of a shitty night for you then, huh?"

I shrugged, pulling his body back to mine. "It's getting better," I said, my voice muffled against his chest.

Edward hugged me tightly then laughed, his body shaking against mine, "So are you just gonna stay curled up in there, or do you want to watch some fireworks?"

"I'm good," I murmured, "I actually want to stay here as long as possible, if that's okay."

I felt his lips brush the top of my head, "That's more than okay."

**x.x.x**

I hated that the fireworks had to end. Despite the fact that I was surrounded by half-plastered customers, if was nice. It was peaceful. But duty called, and as soon as people began making their way back into the warmth of the bar, I knew I had to follow.

"And that's my cue…" I sighed, pulling back out of Edward's embrace as Alice went skipping by us, calling out my name in a singsong voice.

Edward grinned down at me, "Just a couple more hours though, then you're all mine." The spark of excitement in his eyes made me shiver. "I'll see you inside? I'm just gonna go have a quick smoke."

"Oooh actually, I think I might join you. I'll see if Alice and Jake will be okay for a few more minutes."

"Sure," Edward nodded, "I'll just go grab Jasper and Em. I'll meet you out back?"

"Okay," I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed his mouth gently. "Do you have any? I ran out."

"I think I threw a half a pack in the pocket of that jacket earlier. Help yourself. I'll be right behind you." With a wave of his hand, he disappeared into the crowd. I let out a long sigh, and then forced myself to get moving. As much as I was dreading going back to work after that nice little break, Edward was right. Only a few more hours, and then we could go home for the _real _fireworks show. I frowned to myself. I wish I'd thought of that one earlier.

I made my way through the crowds, and almost tripped trying to walk and shove my arms through the jacket at the same time. But I managed to catch myself before I face planted on the concrete and did any real damage. I heard a chuckle from beside me and saw the back of Emmett's head disappearing through the door. I stuck my tongue out in his general direction as I entered the warmth of the bar somewhere behind him.

Jake waved me away as I told him I was going for a quick smoke, and I nodded towards the back door as I passed Alice so she'd know where I was. I knew there was no use in trying to shout over the crowd. I shoved my hands into the deep pockets of Edward jacket, seeking out his smokes and a lighter, and paused when something else fell into my palm with the cardboard cigarette pack.

At first I thought it was a piece of garbage, and old wrapper or something, but the weight of it in my palm made me take a second look. And then I froze. I stared down dumbly at my hands, the cigarette pack lying on the floor forgotten. I stared down at the bag, and even though I knew what it was my brain was working furiously, trying to convince myself that I was wrong. That this just didn't come from the pocket of Edward's jacket. That this wasn't what I thought it was.

I pinched the tiny bag between my fingertips and thumb and then slowly my gaze traveled up. I saw him almost instantly – his hair always stood out in a crowd. I stared at him, at his smiling face as he laughed with someone I couldn't see. I looked at him. And then down at the bag. Then up at Edward. Edward. The bag. Sparkling green eyes. Eyes that reminded me terrifying glint from that night, that night that felt like a completely different lifetime ago, in his bed, the night he told me about this… his addiction. The bag. Edward's sparkling eyes.

My heart was pounding, everything around me was loud, so fucking loud. But I was frozen. Because this was in Edward's pocket.

For a second, I thought I might pass out. And it was finally a hand on my arm that snapped me out of it. I looked up slowly and I couldn't even guess as to what my expression was. Horrified? Probably. Jasper was grinning, but when his eyes met mine, the smile slide quickly from his face. I watched as his gaze traveled down to what was sitting in my hand. And I couldn't move.

"Bella. Where did you get that?" Jasper hissed in my ear, his fingers curling around mine and trapping it between my trembling fingers. Out of sight. Right.

Because I was standing in the middle of a crowded bar holding illegal drugs. Right.

"It's – it's not mine," I finally stammered. I looked back across the bar to where Edward was practically doubled over in laughter, his hand on someone's back. It didn't take long for Jasper to put it all together.

"You've got to be _fucking kidding me_."

I felt the bile rising in my throat and I realized I had to get out. I had to get the fuck out. I moved before Jasper did, sprinting across the bar, pushing my way through the crowd, and I didn't stop. I hardly slowed as I passed Edward and shoved the tiny plastic bag at his chest as I passed. I didn't get to see his reaction because I was out the door before he even realized what I'd found. The door slammed loudly behind me and I ran.

**x.x.x**

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**So before anyone sends me hate-mail over leaving you guys with yet _ANOTHER_ cliffy, just know that Chapter 23 is currently with my beta (who rocks hard, btw.) Updates should be semi-frequent over the next few weeks, so there won't be too much waiting (aka months) between chapters. **

**Thanks for reading. I'll be hiding out in the batcave for the next few days.  
**


	23. The World I Know

_Chapter 22: The World I Know_

**I did my best, it wasn't much  
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch  
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you  
And even though it all went wrong  
I'll stand before the Lord of Song  
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah**

_**Leonard Cohen – Hallelujah **_

**x.x.x**

**Edward. **

Bella pushed something hard into my chest and then there was a blur of brown hair as she bolted past me. I caught sight of the tears on her face and looked down at what I was now clutching in my hands and my eyes squeezed shut and all I could think was _no. No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening. _My eyes opened as my knees began to buckle and suddenly I was propelling myself forward, yelling uselessly into the crowd.

"BELLA!" My voice cracked as I screamed for her, trying to push my way towards her. I was desperate, weak. Suddenly, I was hit hard and the next thing I knew I was laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling in confusion. My ears were ringing, my head spinning. I pushed myself up on my elbows, shaking my head, trying to clear it. I scrambled to my feet, but was slammed back again.

_What the FUCK?_

I looked up, my hands balled into fists. "Bella!" I cried again, my eyes searching for her retreating form.

"_Stay the fuck away from her_."

I spun quickly to the side, to where Jasper had grabbed me and was pushing me backwards, away from her. His eyes were narrowed, and he overpowered me, shoving me back again until I hit a wall, knocking the air from my lungs_._ I was just so fucking confused that I let him, and when it clicked in my brain just what the fuck was happening, I shoved him back.

"Let me go," I growled, pushing him off me and trying to move forward and get the fuck away from him. To get to Bella.

"No." He grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around, then his fist connected with my face. I stumbled backwards, shocked, and had to fight with every ounce of my being not to hit the stupid fuck back. I righted myself, breathing heavily, just staring him down. The side of my face was throbbing, my head spinning in hysteria. I couldn't think straight, the only thing I could see was that look on Bella's face… the confusion, the hurt.

I'd caused this.

"I have to explain," I rasped.

"There is _nothing _to explain," Jasper snarled, his voice laced with venom. "I promised her that I wouldn't step in unless you hurt her. And surprise, surprise, you fucking did. When are you going to learn you can't treat people that way, Cullen? She's not some fucking _toy_."

"I _know!" _I cried, tugging at the roots of my hair in frustration. "I didn't – she doesn't _understand."_

_ "NO," _he said loudly, taking a very deliberate step toward me. "_You _don't understand. Stay away from her, Edward."

"Jasper," I gasped, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt in a last-ditch attempt to _not _get my face rearranged anymore tonight. I jerked his face towards mine until our noses were only inches apart, "Jasper – look at me! LOOK AT ME!" He struggled against me but I held on with all I had. The seconds that I'd be able to overpower him were quickly ticking away. This was my chance. "JASPER. LOOK AT ME." I shook him hard until his eyes met mine, "I'M NOT ON FUCKING BLOW. YOU _KNOW_ I'M NOT-"

My words were cut off. Jasper had freed one of his arms and suddenly there was a blinding pain in the side of my face, and I could taste blood in my mouth.

"Even if you're not – what the fuck are you doing with that, Cullen?" He shoved me back against the wall and picked the baggie up off the floor where it must have fallen and threw it at me. I caught it by reflex and then there was another crack to the side of my head. I saw white behind my eyelids. The floor shifted beneath my feet.

"I trusted you. You. Son of a. Bitch." He emphasized each word with a hard shove until I felt like a ragdoll flopping against the wall. "_Stay away from her._"

And all I could think was: _good. Let Jasper kill me. At least I won't have to deal with the pain of losing Bella again. _

But the second I thought her name, it seemed to wake me up. I had to find her. I had to _stop this. _I had to make this better before she disappeared – just like she did last time.

I pushed myself forward, propelled by my newfound determination to find her. "Try and stop me, Whitlock," I growled as I shoved past him. I felt him grab the back of my shirt, but I kept moving, trying to free myself. The one thing about Jasper is the fucker really knew how to fight. And I really didn't want to have to hit him but…

I spun around quickly, drawing my fist back and releasing it, connecting hard with his face. My hand throbbed in response, but it was enough to throw him back, and he released his grip on my shirt. I trusted Jake and Emmett to finally make their way through the thick crowd that had formed around us to hold Jasper off, and I took off at warp speed to the front door of the bar, in the direction I'd seen Bella go.

**x.x.x**

Rose was standing in the middle of the parking lot, her jacket wrapped tightly around her as she paced frantically, her heels clicking loudly on the pavement with each step. She didn't notice me until I dodged a black truck and came into view and we both froze. In an instant, I knew that she knew. She pulled her jacket more tightly around herself, her ice-blue eyes not leaving mine. Her face was expressionless as I took cautious steps closer to her.

She watched me warily as I stared at her, silently begging her for the information I knew she had. She was my only hope, and she knew it. Bella could slip through my fingers in a second – it was what she knew best. Rose watched me, and I could tell she was struggling with herself. My eyes refused to leave hers in fear I might miss the slight indication she would give me as to where Bella was. Minutes slipped past feeling like hours. I was just about to give up hope that she'd sell Bella out when she slowly tilted her head, lifting her chin in the direction of her shop, just barely visible down the street.

"Rose-" my voice cracked.

"Just go," she said coldly. She turned her back, pulling up the collar of her jacket. And I didn't need to be told twice. Chances were, the guys were trying to get Jasper outside at this exact moment, and the last thing I needed was for him to come chasing after me. Because right now, Bella actually might let him kill me.

So I began racing down the street in the direction of the shop. My lungs burned with every gasp of crisp air I inhaled, but I pushed my feet as fast as I possibly could down the sidewalk until I was in the parking lot of Wild Rose Mechanic. My breaths came in heavy pants as I looked around the dark, empty parking lot, completely ruining my chances of not immediately alerting her of my presence. I half expected her to emerge furiously from the shadows, but as I held my breath and listened, it was completely silent. Just as I was about to give up and curse Rose for giving me a false tip, I noticed a dim glow coming from the second story of the office attached to the shop. It could have just been the glowing of a computer screen that someone had forgotten to shut off, or of a low-watt night light that Rose kept plugged into the wall, or it could have been the glow coming from the work lamp that sat on the corner of Rose's desk, turned on by someone who had to find somewhere private, fast. Acting on my hunch, I slipped around the back of the shop and eased open the back door, creeping upstairs.

When I got to the top of the stairs, I froze when I clearly heard sniffing coming from behind the door. I felt myself relax knowing that I'd found her. She was still here.

I raised my hand to open the door but stopped just in time. I wondered just why in the hell I had moved so silently. I didn't want to startle her into running, but I also didn't want to give her a fucking heart attack either. I looked down at my hands, visibly shaking in the dark, and quietly rapped my knuckles against the door to Rose's office. There was movement behind the door and then, "Get the fuck out of here."

"Bella-"

"_Edward_," she hissed, "Leave me the fuck alone."

I closed my eyes, letting out another deep breath as my fingers found the doorknob and twisted it. Somehow, it was unlocked.

"_Fuck_."

I looked up to see Bella glaring at me from where she was sitting on the cabinet beside Rose's desk. She had Rose's cell phone clutched in her hand, the light from it illuminating the tear tracks running down her face.

"What the fuck did I tell you!" she cried, snapping the cell phone shut and jumping to her feet. "I don't want to talk to you, Edward. I don't want to hear your fucking stories or your fucking excuses. Get. Out." She wiped away her tears with her sleeve and pointed to the door, her entire arm trembling, "_Go_."

I held up my hands in surrender, taking a slow step backwards. "Bella, please. I need to explain -"

"You don't need to explain shit! I don't care! Just let me deal with this in peace! You at least fucking owe me _that." _

"Bella, listen! It wasn't—"

"It wasn't yours. Right. I know," she rolled her eyes, half turning away from me as she tried again to discreetly wipe the tears from her face.

"Bella, it wasn't! I didn't know it was fucking there!"

"Bullshit, Edward," she snapped, whipping back around to face me, her eyes narrowed. "Get the hell out of here. I'm not kidding." She moved to push me out the door but I grabbed her arm, stopping her. She froze as if I'd stung her and I looked deep into her eyes, begging her to believe me.

"Bella, it's not mine. I _swear_."

Her lips moved, and I saw the wrath blazing in her eyes falter for the slightest of moments. Then she shook her head, blinking back a fresh round of tears. "_No_," she gasped. "_I don't believe you_."

It was like the air cracked around us, and in the flash of a second everything between us shifted. I watched as she pushed her hair back out of her face with shaking hands, her eyes on the floor between us. "_You lie_," she whispered, her voice trembling with pain, "_You told me that you lie – that's what you do. It's what you do best_…" She wiped her tears angrily with her arm, "_Edward, how could you?_" Her words were hardly audible, " I_ trusted _you."

"No you didn't." The contempt in my voice surprised me, but the moment I said the words I knew it was true.

I took a step away from her. My mind raced as I stared at her, and I tried to see her, my Bella, tattoos and guitars and strawberries. I tried to find her, the girl who had tried to play it so cool the day I sat down next to her that first day of junior year, I tried to see the girl who'd run out of prom with me and stayed up all night counting stars from the hood of my car. I tried to find her in this woman standing before me, and instead all I saw was an empty stranger there staring back at me.

"You – you… how can you say you love me, but you don't even _trust_ me?" I sneered, taking another step away.

"Trust you? Edward, I found a bag of blow in the pocket of your fucking jacket! You expect me to _trust you_?"

"No." I shook my head, narrowing my eyes at her at the pieces began sliding into place. "No, you… you never trusted me, did you? At least not over the past few weeks. You've been _waiting _for something like this to happen… haven't you?'

"_What?"_ she cried, fisting her hair in her hands. "I can't _believe_ you! Are you actually trying to turn this around on me right now? _You _were the one who ran out on me the first time, Edward. _You _were. And now what? Is this a fucking joke to you? Were you planning this all along! Is this your way of getting back at me for leaving you?"

I let out a sarcastic, barking laugh. "You're fucking delusional."

"You're on fucking coke!"

"I'm not!" I cried angrily, my hands bawling into fists as I resisted the urge to hit something. "Tonight's the first time I've seen cocaine in months, Bella! And that was the moment you shoved it at me! I haven't been doing _shit_. I've been clean, and I wish I could say the same for you! You fucking come home drunk almost every night and leave me to clean up your mess, and you're standing here blaming me for being the bad guy!"

Bella spun around on her heels, bending over and letting out a strangled, sarcastic laugh. "Oh, fuck you Edward. Fuck. You." She whipped back around, her hands dropping from her head as she pointed a finger angrily at me, "Notice how you're the only one who seems to think this is a problem? If I have a drinking problem, than every single twenty-some-year-old who gets drunk on the weekends is a fucking alcoholic! No, you're the only one who thinks I have a problem, but everybody in this town _knows y_ou're a fucking junkie – you're just trying to spin this to make yourself feel better about your own fucking problems. So fuck you."

I flinched. "At least I don't deny that I've had my issues-"

"Stop it!" she yelled, cutting me off. "You're just trying to find some petty little way to turn this around on me. But you can't deny the fucking facts here, Edward."

"What facts?" I snarled. "That I've obviously been doing blow behind your back the past month and a half? That I've lied to you and pretended to be falling for you just as some way to get back at you? What _facts_ do you have, Bella?"

"You – you were acting weird tonight," she said, her voice trembling.

"How so?" I snapped.

"You were just… _weird! _One second you can hardly look at me and the next you won't keep your hands off me!"

I rolled my eyes at her theatrics. "Maybe I was a little on edge, but it's been a weird fucking day for me, Bella! I was trying to give you some space to deal with this whole Jasper thing, and I was trying to keep Tanya occupied so she couldn't start shit with you, and I fucking missed you, all night – you were right there and I missed you! And I just couldn't wait to get you home… to get you back to the place we've been the past few weeks! I was _trying _to make your night just a little bit better – fucking sue me!"

"_No," _she gasped, like she was trying to convince herself I was still lying, "_No_. You went off with Tanya tonight. Before the fireworks. I saw you..."

"Yeah," I looked at her dumbly. "Are you seriously – _Jesus, _Bella." I leaned back against the wall, raking both my hands through my hair. "You want to know why I went outside with Tanya?" She didn't reply, so I continued. "She needed to talk to me. Know why? Her sister Kate is due in a few months… and she's been having some complications with the pregnancy. It's been really hard on the whole family, and Tanya's taking it pretty rough. She's never really been too close with Kate, and now she's afraid she'll never get a chance. She just needed someone to _listen_. So we went to go talk, and as soon as the fireworks started, I went and grabbed my jacket from inside and went to go find you. Because _you're _the one I wanted to be with – because _you're _the one I missed! And I know you probably don't believe me, but it's the truth."

The room was suddenly dead silent.

"I had no idea…"

"No, you didn't," I snapped. "Because you didn't ask. You just jumped to conclusions."

"You didn't hear the things she said to me tonight!" she cried. "She's obviously not over you!"

"Bella, what the hell does it matter? I'm obviously over her, and that's really all you should care about! I knew she'd put up a fight, and I knew she'd play dirty! I _told you _she would! The only thing is, I didn't expect you to fall into her trap quite so easily. I expected you to trust me, Bella! I never, ever thought you'd let her get away with it!" I shook my head in disappointment, lowering my voice, "I guess… I guess I _thought _I knew you better than that."

Silence stretched between us, the only sound in the room was our heavy, angry breaths. I couldn't even bring myself to look up at her and try and decipher what she was thinking. I was so angry, so confused, and so disappointed. All the alcohol I'd drank tonight was making it difficult to put my emotions into words. I felt like my head was spinning in so many directions it was impossible to predict what would happen next. I'd come after her with the intention of groveling, of begging her to see the truth. Of begging her to stay. And now… I had no fucking clue what I wanted anymore.

"And you know what?" I asked slowly, wiping away the blood that was trickling down my chin from my split lip, "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were looking for an excuse to go with him. It's like you want a way out – a reason to leave. Because you always do. It's all that you fucking know anymore." I slowly lifted my gaze, meeting her eyes, praying to find something there, some concrete evidence that she would never leave. I was surprised when a part of me hoped there was nothing there at all. "You're so used to lying and running, Bella, that you can't even see the truth when it's sitting right in front of you."

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

"Edward, don't _do _that!" I hissed, throwing my arms in the air in frustration as his words snapped me from my silent inner turmoil. I turned in a circle, unable to stand the scrutiny of his gaze as he stared me down, his eyes looking at me the same way he had earlier this evening, when we were outside behind the bar. He was looking for something, something in me, and I had no fucking idea what.

"Do what?" he snarled back.

"Don't talk to me like that! Like you think you _know _me. Like you think I'm some scared little rabbit that's going to run at the first sign of danger. I _never _said I wanted to leave! You're expecting me to, aren't you? Hell, I think a part of you _wants _me to just so you can be fucking right about all this!" I spun around in a circle, my words flying about me as I paced and spoke.

"You know, if this is how it's going to be – you – then maybe you _should_ just fucking go!"

We stood squared off in the centre of the room, perfect mirrors of the other; our chests heaving, fists clenched at our sides. Then, slowly, we looked up into each other's faces at his words sunk in.

Words failed us both.

I looked at him – like really _looked a_t him – for the first time since he'd stepped foot in the office. His lip was cut and bleeding, his face was bruised, his eye was swollen. And I knew there was only one thing that could have happened to him; only one person that would have caused the bruises, and I felt bad because I had ran away and left him there to deal with Jasper's wrath on his own. I ran away without even asking for an explanation, and I hated to admit that my thoughts hadn't even slipped to Tanya, there hadn't even been the slightest notion in the back of my mind that _she _might be responsible for this. I had jumped to conclusions, just like she _somehow_ knew I would. Was I that predictable? Was I that obvious? Was I that much of a runaway that she could sense it the moment we shook hands?

And the guilt was crippling knowing that this time, it was all on me.

And I wondered just what he saw when he looked back at me now.

My eyes raked over Edward's forehead, where his hair was pushed back and tugged upright at odd angles, a product of his frustration. He never could leave well enough alone. I looked down at his lips, slightly parted and glistening with blood. Then I looked into his eyes, green eyes that I had known since I was fifteen years old and knew nothing about life or love, and I searched those green eyes or a sign he hadn't meant it. I searched for a sign that he was about to take it all back.

I found nothing.

He was angry, he was confused, but he wasn't sorry.

I felt a familiar pain in my chest.

I did this.

I took a shaky step away, bumping into the desk behind me.

My fault.

"Do – do you really mean that?" I asked.

Me.

"I… don't know." He sounded surprised at the words coming from his mouth. He tugged on the roots of his hair, looking like he was struggling with what to say next. I heard the pounding of blood in my ears when he let out a long, exhausted breath. "Maybe, yes. If you don't trust me Bella, than _this_," he pointed between the two of us, his voice echoing with defeat, "is never going to work."

"I-" I opened my mouth to tell him. To lie to him. To try and find the words that I couldn't say, to try and find the faith in him that I desperately needed, but there was nothing. Because, deep down, I knew he was right. The guilt building in my body was witness to that. And I wanted to say it, I wanted to be able to tell him I trusted him, but there was such a fierce, overwhelming fear in the back of my mind that I couldn't make the words come out of my mouth.

"It's been a long time since I've had to trust anybody, Edward. You know that."

"Oh? And what about Jasper?"

"Jasper's never given me a reason-"

"He _lied _to you, Bella! He lied to you and he hid it from you for years!"

I glared up at him in annoyance, "What are you talking about?"

"Exactly!" he cried, pacing around the small office, his hands tugging at his hair in frustration. He paused, turning to me. His eyes were on mine but it didn't feel like he was even seeing me, "He never told you that I came to see you the night after we broke up," he choked out, "And if he had…" he shook his head, his voice trailing off. His eyes went to the floor as he began pacing again. "Well, maybe that would have changed everything. Maybe you never would have even left. And _maybe _we wouldn't be standing here having this fight right now."

"Edward…" I said softly. "It wouldn't have changed anything. You were too late."

His eyes snapped up to mine. "_Why?"_

"Because my heart was already broken."

"_Am I too late now?"_ he whispered, his lips hardly moving. And I stared at the floor, unable to answer. He let out a groan of frustration and continued his pacing.

My eyes traced the pattern of the tile floor, my heart racing with the anticipation of what was to come next. My hands clenched the desk behind me and I wished we could just take back today, and we could take back our words and take back the past. But I had a feeling it was one of those things where no matter how many times you had a redo, it always ended up the same.

It was like fate.

And I decided that he deserved the truth, if nothing else. I just wished I could have seen it earlier… wished I could have tried to put a stop to this. But I was left wondering if it would have changed anything at all.

"I'm scared, Edward," I admitted, my eyes on the floor, as if it would make it all easier to say, "I wish I could say that I'm not… but I'm terrified."

"Of what?" he asked, and I could tell he was trying to control the incredulity in his tone.

"I'm intimidated by your past… I wish I could relate and I wish I could help you but I can't. And I'm scared when that first phase of bliss blows over, that I'm going to be nothing but a paranoid wreck every time I'm not with you. And I don't want to be that person."

"What can I do to prove that I'm not going to hurt you, Bella?"

I shook my head slowly, my eyes finally meeting his, "I don't know. Maybe it's too late for that too."

He fell silent and his hands halted their movements as he slowly leaned back against the wall behind him. And that's when I knew he was really deep in thought – every cell of energy in his body was working on his decision of what to say next. And it fucking killed me, because a part of me already knew what was coming. I sunk to the floor, except it wasn't the floor, I was lying in the sand. And there was a bonfire in the distance and a bottle of Boones on the ground next to me. And all I could think was that all I wanted was for him to hold my hand again. When he said those words again, I wanted him to hold my hand before he walked away. I needed to physically feel him leaving me. But he didn't, he stood frozen, and maybe he was wishing it all away too, and maybe he was waiting for the words he needed to hear. I could feel them, caught in my throat but I couldn't feel them in my heart and I knew that if he deserved anything, it was the truth. So I didn't say anything at all. And finally, after what felt like a lifetime, his eyes sought out mine as he combed a shaky hand through his hair.

"Bella," he said gently, his voice sounding more like he was whispering my name in his sleep than he was about to rip the only thing I ever really believed in right out of my chest. My hands wrapped around my waist, my body doubled over as I looked up at him, wishing it was all a dream. But maybe the only dream had been the last month, and this was reality. This was the way life worked.

"Bella, you don't understand how much regret I live with every day. I hate myself for hurting you all those years ago… and the choices I've made since. I hate that I never really said good-bye to my mother, and that I couldn't be there for you when you lost yours. And now I hate that you're making me regret letting you back in… letting you see the parts of me that nobody else can. I told you things I've never told anyone – not even Alice. And even though today will probably be another one of those days I'm going to regret… I just don't see any other way." He drew in a shaky breath, and my insides clenched in terror, "But I just… I can't have you in my life if you don't trust me. I can't deal with these doubts – I shouldn't need to reassure you every fucking second of the day that I'm not going to slip up. I _know _what it feels like to lose everything and I will never do that again. And if you don't believe that then… well… I can't..." he gasped for a breath, and it was then that I realized that he was fighting back tears. "I want you to go with him. I – I _need _you to."

His words hit me with such force I felt my heart stutter in my chest. I prayed I'd heard him wrong, prayed that he didn't really mean it. "I can work on it, Edward," I felt myself begging, my voice weak. "I'm sure, in time…"

"Bella, don't you understand? I _can't. _I'm not strong enough for that."

"But you're strong enough to ask me to leave?"

Edward shook his head, angry again. "Like _he_ wouldn't have demanded you go with him now anyway." And I knew what he was saying – when one of us says we're leaving… we go…

"It's – it's not like that anymore."

His eyes blazed as he met mine, and he didn't have to speak to tell me what he was thinking.

"Edward… Even if you don't believe it… I do lo—"

"_Don't_," he hissed, holding out his hands as if I could catch the words before they reached him.

I shook my head. "Edward, I - I know you do too."

"It doesn't matter," he said, his eyes squeezed shut, his voice flat.

"It does. I do, and I'd stay… I'd try."

"You shouldn't have to _try_."

I swallowed hard. "I know," I said weakly, because I knew he was right. And all the wishing and hoping and trying in the world wasn't going to restore my faith in him. I felt like I was living in a world where I didn't know what was real anymore. The truth and the lies felt like they were becoming one, and at the moment I couldn't tell up from down or right from wrong. I took a blind step away from him, as if the space would give me perspective, but the second I looked back up at him I felt dizzy. The idea of leaving him again felt absolutely ludicrous. So wrong.

"Tell me it wasn't yours," I gasped, my voice desperate. Somehow, I was back on my feet and I needed to know, I just needed to know. "Tell me you didn't do it. Tell me you don't know where it came from."

His eyes were questioning. "…Why?"

"Just tell me," I pleaded.

His voice was tired. "It wasn't mine, Bella. I didn't do cocaine tonight, and I don't know where it came from."

I stared at him as I waited for it. If it was coming, it was going to be now. And I was desperate, I wanted to feel it, I just wanted to fucking _believe _him.

The seconds ticked past, and the disappointment began to settle in. First I felt it in myself, then I saw it reflected in his eyes as he realized what I'd been waiting for. The last thing I saw was the heartbreak on his face when I lowered my eyes to the floor. I still didn't feel it; I s_till _didn't believe him. At least, not with all my heart. And he deserved more. And this time love just wasn't enough – it didn't conquer the doubt in my mind. Because even though I believed he wouldn't deceive me, the idea that he _could_ was enough to cause damage like this.

"I've always believed in fate…" I said slowly, my voice surprisingly calm, "And I've never liked making decisions like this. Because part of me thinks they've already been made and all we're doing is following some pre-mapped course. And I feel like now… I've lost my way. We're way off the map, Edward."

"Bella, fuck the map," Edward replied, his voice soft. "There is no map, there is no predetermined fate of our lives. If you want to believe that your next decision is taking you closer to the place you're meant to be, then _fine_. But none of this was meant to be, Bella. My mom didn't deserve to die so young. Your parents should still be alive. Charlie Swan didn't die just so that one day his daughter would end up in Florida just to meet the man of his dreams. There are some coincidences in life, Bella, some really fucking big ones. Like you ending up here. But that's all they are. Coincidences. Not signs. Not destiny. The only destiny we have in life is happiness, and most of the time it isn't even our own."

"And you think it's a _coincidence_ that this is the third time in our lives that our paths have crossed? That we laid together in your crib as babies, in this very town? That my mom and your auntie were best friends?" I asked, trying so hard to understand.

Edward shook his head, his eyes focused somewhere behind me. "Thousands of people cross paths thousands of times in their lives, and they probably don't even know each other's name. We're nothing special, Bella. Nothing."

He drew in a long breath, as if gathering strength. "You're better off without me, without this drama. We both are. We'll find our way eventually, but it's not here."

I blinked back my tears, trying with all I had left to not show him how impossible this was. "I love you," I said again, wishing that maybe those words could fix everything, mend my heart, make me believe in him. But all they did was pull us even farther apart.

**x.x.x**

**Edward.**

_"I love you."_

I felt my resolve crumbling with the words, and I didn't have the strength to fight them. I slumped against the wall, my head in my hands.

And I wished she would stop saying that, because she had to know that those words were making this so much harder. Over the past few years, I'd become used to making decisions just for me. I was selfish, and I could admit it. I didn't care about what or who I hurt along the path to get what I wanted. But now this wasn't about what I wanted – it was what I needed. And I loved her, god yes I loved her, but how much can you _really _love someone who expects so little of you? When you know she's sitting around, waiting for your next fuck up. And as much as I knew it was for me, I knew it was for her too, because I couldn't live with myself if I knowingly put her through the torture of waiting around and wondering. And how long would it be until I became the person she expected me to be? How long before I gave into those demons just to show her that she had been right all along. Because if she didn't believe in me, how was I supposed to believe in myself?

Letting out a choked breath I finally looked up, knowing this was good-bye. I watched as the tears gathered in her eyes, and she quietly asked, "Is this really what you want?"

_No! _my mind screamed. Of course it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted her and I wanted to love her and I wanted her to let me show her how much she meant to me. I wanted her to trust me. But I couldn't ask her to stay – not like this. So I simply nodded, even though my brain screamed in protest and even though my chest ached and I refused to look away and I refused to believe that this was really it. And god, it really felt like a dream – all of it felt like a dream as I watched her move slowly toward the door, her eyes not leaving mine. If this was a dream, maybe she'd stop last minute and throw her arms around me we'd both apologize for being stupid and immature and dramatic, and then we'd fuck right here on the floor of Rosalie's office. But this wasn't a dream, this was real life and usually it didn't work out the way you expected. And I didn't expect her to be able to go. Not because she wasn't strong enough but because _I _wasn't strong enough, and surely she had to be able to see that.

Her hand brushed mine before she took a shaky step backwards, moving herself even closer to her exit and farther from me. She opened her mouth as if to say something but stopped herself, and in that moment I would have given anything to be able to know what was running through her mind. She drew in a deep breath, moved to take another step back but suddenly propelled herself forward and threw herself in my arms. I stumbled backwards when our bodies collided and my knees almost buckled when she pressed her lips to mine.

I'd never really understood the expression _bittersweet_ until that moment.

Her mouth moved against mine, desperate and hungry and scared. And hell, I couldn't think of a good reason not to kiss her back. Maybe it wouldn't make any of this easier but it sure as fuck couldn't make it any harder.

Her arms remained wrapped around my neck, her hands not even finding their place tangled in my hair. My hands rested on her hips, resisting their urge to explore the curves of her body. Somehow, this kiss was the first right thing we'd managed to do all night, and we weren't letting ourselves get carried away. Yet every good-bye we needed was said right then and there.

But our mouths began to slow and the kisses grew softer until she pulled away completely, running her fingers through her hair and almost tripping as she stumbled towards the door. I reached out to catch her but she righted herself, shaking her head, her eyes impossibly wide.

"Good-bye, Edward," she choked out, her fingers covering her mouth, and I could tell she was struggling to fight back tears. And then it happened so fast - she was there and then she was gone even though I could still taste her on my lips and feel the softness of her skin on my fingertips.

Just like that, she was gone.

My body felt like it was broken, on fire, shaking so hard it would fall to pieces.

I covered my mouth with my hand, a hard, dry sob racking my body as I stared at the place she'd just been standing. I doubled over, seeing nothing but blackness, feeling nothing but pain that cut so deep it was nearly impossible to breathe.

I'd never hurt so bad.

She was fucking gone.

"_I love you_," I whispered into my palm, into the blackness, into the nothingness.

But it didn't matter.

Because like a whisper, she'd faded away; a flame burning out into darkness. Lost. Gone. Just as fucking quickly and strangely she'd entered my life, she'd left it.

I slid down the wall and landed on the floor, burying my face in my knees. And I gave in. I gave up.

**x.x.x  
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**So my beta is pretty much a saint. And before you all face!punch me, you should thank her for getting this back to me so crazy fast. **

**Thanks for reading guys.  
**


	24. I'd Rather Hurt

_Chapter 24: I'd Rather Hurt _

**If you haven't heard Need You Now by Lady Antebellum, you should really give it a listen. Way before the song became severely over-played (at least where I'm at), you could bet I'd be listening to it whenever I came to work on this part of the story. Anyway, it's love, even if I've heard it so many times I could probably sing it backwards :)  
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**So... anyone in the mood for a little holiday cheer? Heh ;)  
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**Another shot of whiskey  
****Can't stop looking at the door****  
Wishing you'd come sweeping in  
Like the way you did before  
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind  
For me it happens all the time.**

**_Lady Antebellum – Need You Now_**

**x.x.x**_  
_

_**Six months later. **_

**Bella.**

"Bella."

I was lying on my back in the sand, propped up on my elbows; the sun was high in the clear blue sky. A gentle, serene breeze was blowing off the water, flowing soothingly over my face, brushing my hair back over my shoulders. Something shifted beside me and I looked down to my hand and saw my fingers were intertwined with someone else's.

"Bells."

I looked beside me to see he was watching me, my favorite crooked grin playing on his lips. His smile grew wider when I looked at him, and he reached with his free hand, pulling his dark sunglasses to rest a top a head of messy bronze hair. His emerald eyes glistened in the sunlight, and my heartbeat picked up as he squeezed my hand gently, one corner of his mouth lifting up higher than the other as he grinned down at me, his eyes full of adoration.

It was all too perfect, this entire moment, the feeling, _him_.

I opened my mouth to tell him I loved him, but nothing came out.

"_Bella_**." **

A hand wrapped around my arm, shaking me. I shook my head and blinked my eyes a few times, a feeling of disorientation washing over me. Then I realized I wasn't on a beach at all, but lying in my bed, in my bedroom, with my comforter tangled around my body. The sun was low in the sky, struggling to break through the clouds, casting dull grey shadows throughout my room. I'd been dreaming – he wasn't here at all.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, knocking the air from my lungs, pushing me down, into a pit of darkness. I gasped for a breath, squeezing my eyes shut.

He wasn't here.

I was alone.

"Bells, hey. Shhh… it's just me."

_Jasper. _

He climbed into my bed, pulling my trembling body into his chest. I buried myself in his warmth, sniffing quietly, a few tears escaping my eyes. He stroked my hair, planting a few lingering kisses on the top of my head as he gripped me tighter. My hand found the fabric of his t-shirt and I fisted it, curling my hands into a tight ball around the thin cloth.

"Sweetheart, it's all right. You're okay," he murmured gently.

I let out a ragged breath, trying to calm myself down.

"Sorry," I choked out, freeing my other hand and wiping my tears away.

"It's all right," he said consolingly, his hand stroking my hair. "You okay? Bad dream?"

I let out a slow, shaky sigh and nodded. "I guess… it depends on the definition," I replied, my voice cracking. I pulled slowly away from his chest.

"Of what?" he asked gently, cupping my cheek in his hand and brushing away stray tears with his thumb. "Okay? Or bad dreams?"

I shrugged. "Both, I guess. Maybe."

"Oh, Bells." He sighed and wrapped my body in a hug, squeezing me tight and then releasing me. He looked down at me, gazing into my eyes, and I half-smiled for him to prove I really was okay.

Or… okay enough.

But I'd probably never be any better than that.

Just okay enough to get out of bed most days. Okay enough to go to work and survive the day without too many fuck ups. Okay enough to smile and converse when it was required. But that was about it.

Almost six months had passed… and I was still functioning at the bare minimum. Jasper was completely diplomatic; he'd never mention it to me, but I saw the way he looked at me; grey eyes full of anguish and pain. I knew he felt helpless and it was killing him. I knew it hurt him almost as much as it hurt me. And I tried for his sake. But it was getting exhausting.

Jasper ran a hand through his damp hair, the smell of shampoo and body wash diffusing throughout my room. He lips lifted up into a sheepish grin. "So… I took the turkey out, but I have no idea what in the hell to do next."

I couldn't help but smile at his sadly attempted helpfulness. I brushed a few strands of knotted hair out of my face as I sat up.

"I'll be out in a few minutes."

His smile grew. "Okay."

I sighed as he rose to his feet and left my room, the door clicking closed behind him. I pushed myself to the edge of my bed, staring at the sandy brown hardwood floor for a few moments before pushing myself to my feet. I let out a long, slow breath, glancing at my reflection in the full-sized mirror sitting in the corner of the room. A tired, exhausted-looking girl stared back at me, dark shadows under her dull, lifeless brown eyes. I didn't even fucking recognize myself anymore. I'd lost weight – not a lot, but enough that it was noticeable to me. I knew my cheekbones weren't always as sunken looking, the angles of my face so sharp. And I was pale. I was generally a pale person, but this was different. There was no color in my cheeks, no flush on my face. I was permanently blanched; washed out.

I was a ghost.

I quickly tore my gaze from the mirror and went to digging through my half-empty dresser for a pair of sweats, pulling them on overtop the boxers I'd been sleeping in. I pulled a black hoodie over my head, and gathered my hair into a messy ponytail, securing it with elastic at the top of my head. I pulled on a pair of slippers sitting on the floor at the end of my bed, and with one last sigh, trudged out into the kitchen.

Jasper was sitting at our small, four-person kitchen table, leafing through a few cookbooks I'd bought a couple months back.

"Are you – erm – _we _making a pie from scratch?" he asked as I entered the kitchen, flipping on the oven and covering a yawn with the back of my hand.

I faced him, smiling slightly. He was adamant about _attempting _to help me cook dinner. But Jasper was about as skilled in the kitchen as I was in the garage, so I was well aware that I'd be basically on my own. Not that I minded.

"Only if you want apple pie. That's all I have."

"Excellent. I'll have to go pick up ice-cream."

"I think we have some vanilla…" I said, absently pulling open the freezer door and checking to be sure it was still in there. I'd only bought it two days ago.

"Ummm…" Jasper said, glancing quickly down at the book he'd been flipping through. "I, uh, should probably go grab some…"

I smiled, shaking my head. "Well, you'd better go soon. The stores won't be open very late."

"Bella," he chuckled. "It's seven a.m."

"Oh."

It was Christmas Eve. It was Christmas Eve and Jasper had insisted that we make ourselves some grand dinner, to celebrate our first Christmas in our first home in five years or something like that. I didn't mind. After all, we'd copped out on Thanksgiving, and had gathered around the TV with a bucket of the Colonel's best. KFC never really sat well with me, but Jasper was so excited when the Cowboy's pulled out a win late in the fourth, and all in all I chalked it up to a decent night.

I had helped Renee cook turkey dinners when I was younger, so I had a pretty good idea of what to do. Jasper, on the other hand, had no clue, but had a very good idea as to what he wanted to _eat_. Just not how to make it.

I yanked open the cupboard door next to the fridge and pulled down a coffee cup, filling it up with steaming black coffee from the pot I assumed Jasper had just made.

"We should have the tree on," he said, glancing to the corner of the room where our little Charlie Brown spruce was propped up, leaning slightly toward the window as if it were preparing to take the leap. I couldn't help but smile at the sight of it. We'd only purchased one string of lights, not realizing until we got them out of the box that they'd be too short to cover our tiny tree. So the top of the tree remained bare, other than the paper angel Jasper had constructed one night after a few too many beers and bong hits. It was our sad sacrifice to the holidays, but it was the first Christmas tree we'd had in a long time.

"Why?" I asked.

"It doesn't feel like Christmas," Jasper shrugged, slipping out of his chair and plugging in the lights to little Charlie Brown.

"It never does."

He made a face at me. "Don't be a Scrooge, Bella."

I shrugged, rolling my eyes half-heartedly. "I'm not, I'm just saying… all the build-up, and when the days comes, it just never feels quite _right_."

Jasper pursed his lips, thinking. "I guess."

"I think it's because we all remember what it felt like when we were kids," I sighed. "The presents, the laughter, the lights… it's never the same when you have to create it yourself. You never have that same level of excitement."

"I suppose," he nodded, sipping his coffee. "Can you imagine Emmett at Christmas? I bet he'll make it interesting."

I couldn't stop the smile that curled on my lips even if I wanted to. "Everyday is like Christmas to Emmett."

"Exactly. It'll be good – just like having a little kid around."

"Yeah," I smiled, thinking of the man-sized child I missed so much. "When will they get in?"

"Em thought around two or three. He figured that'd come the long way around to avoid the line-up at the ferries, but I don't know how busy the border crossing will be on Christmas Eve."

I nodded slowly. Emmett and Rosalie were driving up from Forks to spend Christmas with Jasper and I. I still hadn't decided if it was a good thing or not. I missed them both like crazy – we talked to Emmett often, but had only seen him once since the day Jasper and I left. He had decided to stay in Forks for a while, knowing that he was always welcome in our home here in Surrey. From the sounds of things, he and Rose were getting fairly serious though, and he was happy.

But… seeing them… I knew it would remind me of things. I'd know that they still lived in the same town as Edward. Still spoke to him and saw him on a regular basis. And it would be hard for me not to ask questions. Find out if he was in the same shape as me… or if maybe he'd moved on. I didn't know which would be worse. I hoped he was happy… I hoped he didn't have to feel the same things I did. But a small, selfish part of me would be offended if he didn't.

So it was bittersweet, the fact that they would be spending the holidays with us. I couldn't wait to see Emmett's smiling face, but I didn't want the reminders. I knew Jasper was a little worried about my reaction as well.

And I knew that him and Alice still spoke. He tried to keep it a secret, though. Like he thought it would be more painful for me if I knew they were keeping in touch. It didn't matter to me though. I was glad they were – she made him so happy.

But it didn't stop me from feeling the guilt.

Because I knew he'd be happier if we hadn't had to sever all ties with that town. If he hadn't had to completely leave her behind.

I spent the rest of the morning preparing for dinner and directing Jasper around the kitchen. We skinned potatoes, chopped vegetables, and made stuffing from scratch. I put together an apple pie for dessert, eventually sending Jasper out to the grocery store to pick up a few odds and ends. He was definitely slowing my process down, and I think he knew it too. I hoped he'd take his time at the store.

Cooking was an amazing distraction. I put all my energy into it, and it helped to keep my mind of certain things… or, well, certain people.

So before I knew it, three-thirty had rolled around, and there was a booming knock on the door. I bit back a smile, glancing in the living room at Jasper, who hit pause on the video game he was playing and grinned over at me.

I nodded towards the door, slipping the turkey back in the oven and brushing my hands off on my sweats. I realized I still looked like I'd just rolled out of bed, and I tried to smooth back some stray hairs, feeling slightly embarrassed by my appearance. I didn't want to even think about what I would look like standing next to the ever-beautiful Rosalie Hale.

"Merry Christmas, motherfuckers!"

I slipped into the front entrance, where Emmett had Jasper wrapped in a strong embrace, his thick arms engulfing poor Jasper. Rosalie was laughing at the exchange, and when she saw me, she grinned that dazzling smile, her lips a deep red against her shining white teeth.

"Bella!"

"Rose." I smiled, and she set down the few boxes she had in her arms and I rushed to her side to give her a hug.

"Oh, we've miss you guys," she sighed, holding me tight.

"I missed you too," I replied, fighting to keep my true emotions from cracking through.

She released me and stepped back, and instantly I was swept up into the arms of Emmett.

"Christ woman, I swear to God you get more beautiful every time I see you," he laughed, his arms easily encircling my waist.

I giggled as he spun me around in a circle. "You're a terrible liar, Emmett."

"What?" he set me back on my feet, his eyes wide as he looked down at me with mock hurt, "I never lie. Honest."

Jasper pulled Rose into a hug, dragging her forward into the living room. "Come in, you guys. We'll give you the tour."

Emmett, who had already seen the place, slipped off his shoes and began gathering up the things Rose had left sitting on the floor, then followed Jasper and Rose into the living room. Emmett inhaled theatrically, turning to me.

"Smells fucking fantastic."

I grinned. "Let's hope it tastes as good."

"I have faith in you, my Bella. As long as you didn't let Jazz in the kitchen."

"Well, I did have to threaten him with a butcher knife, but he backed off eventually. Hopefully he didn't manage to ruin too much of the dinner."

"As long as I have turkey and potatoes, I'm a happy man."

"Really? You'd think you'd be sick of potatoes," I teased.

He laughed his familiar booming laugh. "Not yet." He waltzed over to the tree, sliding a few presents underneath and then turning back to me with a wink.

"This must be Mr. Brown," he joked, stroking our poor tree adoringly.

"Yes. Cute, isn't he?"

"Very."

I let Jazz show Rose around our condo. _Our _condo. It was still so strange to think. _Our home. _

We'd managed to find a place in the outskirts of the greater Vancouver area, near a town called Surrey. The rent was cheaper than in the city; the cost of living in Vancouver was one of the highest in North America; and we ended up getting really lucky, scoring a beautifully renovated condo at an insanely good price.

It was just the perfect size for the two of us: two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a decent sized kitchen and living room, and a secluded dining room. And fully furnished; which was pretty much the icing on the cake, because we had both been dreading trying to furnish an entire apartment.

My bedroom was the master, at the end of the hallway, toward the back of the condo. Jasper, in what I think was an act of misplaced chivalry, had more or less forced me to take the room. I hadn't cared either way, although it was nice to have an ensuite. The room had a fireplace I'd never used, and I had my own balcony, overlooking the river valley. I'd probably only used it a handful of times. It rained _a lot _here in the winter. It had been raining all morning; hell, it'd been raining all month. It had yet to bother me, though. Something about the rain calmed me. And it seemed to match my mood.

The condo had tall windows, light sandy-colored walls and matching hardwood floors that stretched into every room. Thick, white trim and baseboards broke up the brown of the floor and walls, and the overall design introduced much needed brightness into the rooms. The condo wasn't huge or extravagant by any means, but the owners, an elderly couple I'd met when I began my new job, had done some serious renovating to bring it to its current state. The couple had recently moved into the retirement home I worked at and couldn't bring themselves to sell the property, hanging on to it so their granddaughter could one day live in it when she started University. Their granddaughter was only sixteen though, so it gave Jazz and I a couple years window to figure out what we wanted to do.

"Jasper, this place is fantastic! Congratulations." Rose and Jasper came strolling down the hallway and into the living room. Rose shrugged out of her long black jacket, smiling over at me.

"How was the drive?" I asked.

"Rainy, but otherwise not too bad. It only took us, what, four hours?" she glanced at Emmett to confirm. "I had no idea it was so close." She sighed, and I thought I saw a hint of a frown, but it was quickly erased.

"Well, I'm really glad you guys made it," I said earnestly.

"Me too," Rose smiled, settling down on the olive-green suede loveseat.

Jasper uncorked a bottle of wine, and I pulled a bottle of water from the fridge for myself and had a few minutes to sit and relax in the living room with our guests while supper cooked. But after I finished my water, I checked on the food and then slipped into my bedroom to have a quick shower. I figured I might as well be somewhat presentable, considering it was Christmas and all, and I was still in my sweatpants and slippers.

I blow-dried my hair for the first time in what felt like forever, and dug out a nice pair of black skinny jeans, paired with tall, grey suede boots and a long, grey and black fitted sweater. I looked myself over in the mirror, somewhat pleased with myself. Jasper would be happy – I was trying. I took a moment, sitting on my bed in the fading light, just breathing deeply and reveling in the quiet and stillness of my room before I went back out to join the merriment.

When I joined everybody back in the living room, the bottle of wine was sitting in the middle of the coffee table and Jasper had turned on the Yule-log channel on the TV, soft Christmas music playing in the background. Rosalie and Emmett were cuddled up on the loveseat, and the sight of her snuggling into his chest as they laughed and chatted made a slight smile curl on my lips.

"Bella!" Emmett exclaimed, when I plopped down on the couch beside Jasper, curling up on my side and propping my head up with my hand as I faced them. "We were just telling Jasper the story about Alice's scrap!"

I raised my eyebrows in shock, glancing over at Jasper to see he was chuckling as he sipped his wine. "Her _scrap_?"

"Yeah. Last month, I don't know, it might have been Thanksgiving, I think."

"Emmett," Rosalie cut in, rolling her eyes. "It was _Halloween_. The guy was dressed as a vampire. You don't dress like a vampire on Thanksgiving."

"Not unless you're _actually _a vampire, baby. Which would be fucking _awesome_, but that's not the point," Emmett grinned. "Anyway, Thanksgiving, Halloween, whatever. It was a big party at the bar, anyway. And this guy, Jim -"

"_James_."

"Do _you _want to tell the story?" Emmett raised his eyebrows in annoyance and turned to Rosalie. I snorted in laughter as I watched the exchange.

"Well I might as well," Rose retorted, making a face at Emmett before turning to me. "This guy, _James_, who was dressed up as a vampire on _Halloween_," she cut her eyes to Emmett, grinning, "well, I guess he's Mike Newton's cousin or something, the little creep." She shuddered dramatically. "And anyway, this James guy just got absolutely _hammered_. Like, I don't even think he could tell you his first name he was so damn pissed."

"Which is probably why I thought it was Jim."

Rose narrowed her eyes at Emmett. "Okay, sweetheart. Let me finish, all right?" Emmett pouted as she turned back to us, "So James was wasted, and Al quit serving him at like ten o'clock. He had to have had booze out in his car or something, because the guy was just _done_. And he was sitting at the bar, trying to hold a conversation with Alice while she's running around trying to keep the crowd placated, and he can hardly even fucking speak. I mean, she would have had someone haul his ass outta there had she a second to even stop and think. I was serving tables, helping the poor girl out, and I was keeping a pretty close watch on this dude just because something just wasn't right about him."

Rose laughed, sipping her wine and shaking her head. "Well, you know Alice. She was trying to be polite to this guy, mostly because he was Newton's cousin, I think. And she goes to get him a glass of water, and when she turns around with the drink in her hand, James just fucking projectile vomits all over her. Like, she was _covered._"

"That's _disgusting_!" I cried, thoroughly repulsed.

"Yeah," Rose grinned. "I saw everything, I was just heading back behind the bar and, well, Alice kind of lost it. She leapt over the bar and just absolutely hammers this guy in the face. And he went down, _hard_. I don't know if she knocked him out or he passed out or _what_, but he was done. It took about three guys to carry him out of there, and people were saying that he pissed his pants."

I laughed, covering my mouth with my hand. "Oh my God!"

"Yeah," Rose grinned, shaking her head. "Alice was horrified at first. Poor girl couldn't believe what she did. But by the end of the night, I think she was pretty damn proud of herself. I mean, she was covered in vomit, but proud."

I tried to envision innocent little Alice punching some drunk asshole in the face, but somehow couldn't quite picture it.

"I would have paid a lot of money to see that."

"No doubt," Jasper agreed.

"It's been the talk of the town for weeks," Emmett sighed. "God I love small towns."

"Yeah, until you're the source of gossip," Rosalie pointed out. "Then… not so fun."

"Well, at least it got them off…" Emmett's voice trailed off, and looked down suddenly to the wine glass in his hand. I felt my stomach flip uncomfortably; pretty sure I knew how he was going to finish that sentence. I wrapped my arms around my chest, nausea rolling through my body.

I heard Emmett quietly mutter "_ow_!" and although I couldn't see it I was sure Rose had elbowed him in the ribs. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"I'm just gonna go… check on dinner," I said lamely, scrambling to my feet and smiling apologetically to the floor as I exited the living room.

The turkey was almost done, and I quickly started the gravy, then found that there was nothing left to really do. I leaned against the fridge, closing my eyes and breathing heavily. The darkness that consumed me on a daily basis was closing in around me, suffocating me, making it difficult to pull a breath into my lungs.

Sometimes I had a hard time believe my heart was still beating, considering the amount of pain it had been through. Yet there it was, alive, proof that I had somehow made it through, and I would continue to survive, until one day it began to get easier. I just fucking hoped that day was coming soon. I was so sick of the pain and emptiness. But I'd rather feel this than nothing at all. It was proof that I was still alive, somehow.

I let out a long breath, trying to push away the dark. I couldn't let it swallow me; not yet.

With shaking hands, I pulled a tall glass from the cupboard and filled it with ice and cranberry juice. I drank about half, then began pulling out plates and silverware to set the dining room table. Rose joined me quietly; helping me set the table and put out the food in comfortable silence. I lit a few candles and then called the guys in to eat.

They both entered the dining room with giant smiles on their faces. Emmett rubbed his stomach, pecking me quickly on the cheek before taking a seat.

"Looks amazing, Bells. It's been a while since I've had some good home-cooking."

"Hey, I cook!" Rose objected, sliding into the seat next to Emmett and swatting him playfully.

Emmett glanced at me, his eyes wide. "Sure, baby," he smiled, cutting his gaze back to Rose. He placed a kiss on her cheek and leaned back in his chair, grinning.

I smiled at them, taking a seat across the table. Jasper carved the turkey while they all refilled their wine glasses and we began loading our plates.

Dinner was quiet and peaceful. Everybody was so involved with the food that it didn't leave a lot of room for conversation. I was quite happy that everything had turned out all right; I'd heard horror stories from the girls at work when I told them I was cooking my very first turkey dinner. But Rose, Emmett, and Jasper seemed to enjoy it, finishing everything on their plates, and then some. Christmas music played softly in the background; the only other sound was the scraping of cutlery against the plates and the occasional "_Mmmmm_" and "_Ahhh" _from Emmett as he devoured his third helping.

When we all stuffed ourselves to the brim, I brought out the pie and even though we thought it was impossible to eat anymore, we all took a piece. Then everybody moved into the kitchen to help with the cleanup. They tried to shoo me away, claiming the cook shouldn't clean, but I was being persistent about helping. I had a hard time sitting and watching my guests clean up in _my _kitchen.

Jasper and Rose had a slight dish-bubble war as Emmett and I attempted to put away the dry dishes, trying to avoid the spray of the water. I'd never seen Rose so… uninhibited. She was normally so careful; so measured. But here she was, laughing and giggling as Jasper flicked soap bubbles all over her beautiful red dress. I realized for the first time just how _good _Emmett was for her.

"Hey you guys – it's snowing." Emmett was standing at the window, gazing out into the black, serene night. Rose and Jasper stopped, and I rushed to the window next to him. I realized that he was right – the cool rain from the afternoon had turned into white flakes that floated down from the black sky.

"It's beautiful," I sighed, watching the light flakes meander downward, sparkling like miniature diamonds in the dim light. They drifted slowly, in no hurry to meet their fate on the ground. I was captivated, and I unlocked the patio door and quickly slipped outside to the balcony. I stood in the chilly night, my arms wrapped around my body and my gaze towards the sky. It was mesmerizing.

"Ever seen snow before, Bells?" I heard Emmett chuckle from beside me, and I realized that they'd all followed me outside.

"I've just never had snow at Christmas," I exhaled, watching as a wisp of my breath curled into the dark sky and slowly disappeared.

"Ever?" Emmett asked in surprise.

I shook my head, raising my head to the sky and letting the soft flakes fall gently on my skin. They melted the moment they contacted my skin, of course, but the feeling made me laugh.

"You're like a child," Emmett chuckled.

I smiled. Maybe I would have felt more like a child if I'd grown up around snow.

"Ah, the magic of Christmas," Jasper chuckled, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side.

I looked beside me to see Emmett had Rose pulled into his chest, his arms wrapped around her body. Her head was tilted back, her eyes closed and Emmett rested his chin on the top of her head; his eyes turned upwards.

Maybe it was magic.

For the first time in a long, long time, a feeling of peace washed over me. The moment was beautiful – and although it made my heart twist in an unexplainable way to watch the exchange between Rose and Em, it gave me hope.

Hope that maybe one day, eventually, I'd be half as happy as they were.

**x.x.x**

Once the kitchen was sparkling clean once again, we settled back in the living room. Jasper lit a fire and we all lounged around with full bellies and I finally allowed myself a glass of wine. I actually was enjoying myself – it was the first time it actually did feel like Christmas in years. As a child, Renee and I always had our own traditions. She'd set up our small, store bought tree a week before Christmas; and string a spare set of lights on one of the smaller trees out back. She'd cook a turkey and we'd watch holiday movies that were always on TV that time of year. And then she'd tuck me in with a good Christmas story. In the morning there'd be a few presents under the tree, but we never made a huge deal out of Christmas, which probably explained why I'd never really been into the whole thing. Jasper never celebrated Christmas at all, other than one small gift his mother would secretly place under his pillow every Christmas Eve. His father ignored the day completely. When we became close, he'd come over to my place for Christmas dinner, and Renee and Phil always made sure to include him in on the festivities. I think that's why he loved the season so much. He'd missed out on a lot in his childhood.

"Bella, where's that guitar of yours? I'm sure you've got to know a few good Christmas tunes," Emmett said, turning to me. "I miss that beautiful voice of yours."

I looked down uncomfortably. "I, uh, actually don't know any Christmas songs," I muttered. I didn't want to tell him the truth – I hadn't touched my guitar in six months.

"Not even Jingle Bells?" he asked, frowning.

"Nope," I lied.

He crossed his arms over his chest, pouting over at me. "You're trying to tell me you can rip up _Free Bird _and you can't even fake your way through Jingle Bells?"

I shrugged helplessly and looked away. He took the hint, dropping the subject.

"So… how's work going for you guys?" Rose asked, taking a sip of wine. "Em told me you found jobs pretty easily."

Jasper nodded, setting his glass down on the coffee table and leaning back in the couch, his arm draped over the back. "Yeah. There's a GM dealership down the road, they took me on in their shop. It's nothing too exciting – mostly oil changes and warranty work, but the pay is decent."

Rose nodded, and I could tell she was struggling to keep the smile on her face, "Well, we sure miss you at the shop. Jake was so used to having you there to do his bitch work I think he almost forgot how to hold a wrench."

"Believe it or not, I actually miss it too," Jasper chuckled, "I guess you weren't that psycho of a boss after all, Rose."

"Whoa, easy on the compliments there, Whitlock. You're gonna melt my heart of ice," she joked.

"Yeah, you're making me look bad, man," Emmett grinned, squeezing Rose into his side.

The three of them kind of just looked at each other, sad smiles on their faces until Rose cleared her throat, "So, more wine?" She refilled everyone's glasses and settled back into the couch, turning her attention to me, "So, Bella, I heard you're doing something a little bit differently these days."

"Uh, yeah," I said, running my fingers absently along the rim of my wine glass, "I'm working at a retirement home."

"Mackin' on the old men, eh?" Emmett waggled his eyebrows at me.

"Well, they're hard to resist," I shrugged, laughing.

"Do you like it? Working there, I mean. Not the old men," Rose smacked Emmett when he let out a loud cackle.

I couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, I really do." Honestly, working at the home was a huge change of pace for me – but in a good way. It required a certain level of maturity that waitressing and bartending didn't really demand. It was making this whole new grown-up life I was leading a lot easier to handle.

"And if it weren't for Bella, we wouldn't be sitting here right now," Jasper added and I felt my chest tighten at his words. _Understatement of the year. _"I mean, she's the one that scored us this condo," he quickly added. "I'd probably be living in the back of the Mustang if it wasn't for her."

I took a small sip of wine and rolled my eyes at him, "Naw, you'd just be paying double the rent somewhere else and living off mac and cheese."

"Awww mac and cheese!" Emmett rubbed his stomach, groaning, "It wouldn't be a tragedy to have to live off mac and cheese. Yum…"

"Em, you just ate half a turkey! How can you possibly be hungry?" Rose chastised, elbowing him in the ribs.

"What? I'm just saying, there are worse things in life," he muttered, rubbing the stop where she'd hit him. "Anyway, so we all agree Bella digs old dudes? Because now everything makes perfect sense."

"Oh?" I snorted, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. I mean, I knew something was off when you didn't jump my bones from the very beginning. Obviously I'm not old enough for you Bells, otherwise you never would have been able to resist _this_," he gestured to himself, winking and running the tip of his tongue along his lips.

"Riiiiight…" I snorted into my wine glass and averted my eyes.

Rose, still laughing at her boyfriend's antics, turned to me, "So, Bella, you really like it here, huh?"

"Yeah," I nodded, "I do. Why?"

Rose shrugged. "I'm just glad you guys are happy, that's all"

"Yeah, I mean, how couldn't we be?" Jasper said jokingly, "Rose – the pizza here? To _die_ for."

"That's… great," she said carefully, obviously not getting the inside joke. I smiled to myself and set my half-empty glass of wine on the table. I pulled the sleeves of my sweater over my hands and stood, excusing myself to use the bathroom. After I'd done my business and washed up, I headed through my bedroom to rejoin the rest of the group when my Hummingbird, propped up against the wall in the corner of my room, caught my attention. Not knowing where the sudden resolve was coming from, I moved towards the guitar and gently removed it from its stand. I let out a long breath as my hands slid down its smooth neck and my eyes traced the delicate design on it's body as I began to head back to the living room.

I paused in the doorway of my room as I placed the guitar strap around my neck and stretched my palms against the worn wood, and I could almost feel the life and music of the old instrument flowing through my body. My fingers ghosted soundlessly over the strings, my hands stretching back into the familiar positions as bits and pieces of a hushed conversation came floating down the hall.

"-don't know how much longer she can do this," I heard Jasper said quietly.

"She hasn't talked to him at all, then?" Rosalie asked gently, and I froze on the spot, realizing they were talking about me.

"No."

"You're sure?" This time it was Emmett.

"I'm sure. I'd… I'd be able to tell."

I heard Rosalie sigh. "Edward… well, he hasn't been doing so well, either." I felt my heart clench, the air escaping my lungs with a _woosh. _ I squeezed my eyes shut, not even realizing until I opened them that I'd moved farther down the hall so I could hear better. My brain screamed at me to go back, run to my bedroom and lock the door, but I needed to hear it. Needed to know.

"We hardly see him anymore," Rose continued. "And when we do, he's cold and distant. It's worrying me… it's never been like this before. Never this bad."

"Alice won't tell me; but I know she's just as worried as I am," Jasper sighed deeply. "It's just… it's like Bella's never fully _here_. And she has nightmares, almost every night. She hardly eats… only speaks when she's spoken to. And she doesn't _do _anything. We used to go out; go to bars or the movies or out to eat… She just goes to work and comes home and mopes around… and that's it. It's getting bad."

"What are you going to do?" Emmett asked after a moment.

Jasper hesitated. "I… I don't know." His voice was full of pain; of frustration. "It's got to get better eventually, right?"

Neither Rose nor Emmett replied.

"I don't know, Jasper," Rose said finally. "All I can say is this is not the same confident, carefree girl that showed up in town this past summer. She's lost that sparkle she used to have… It's obvious enough she's trying; or at least she is tonight. But even Emmett noticed – it's not _genuine._"

"Yeah," I heard Emmett agree, "I miss my _Bella. _You're going to have to do something, man. I just don't know _what." _

I wrapped my arms around myself, my body beginning to tremble. I blinked back a rush of tears.

"I don't know, either," Jazz replied, sounding pained. "I thought… I thought she'd be over this by now. I just don't remember it being like this before. Even when her parents died… I just don't fucking know."

I felt a sob building in my chest, and I struggled to hold it in as I crept back down the hall, my body shaking as I struggled to pull the guitar strap back over my head. I felt like it was choking me, slowly tightening around my neck as I finally freed myself, gasping for breath. As soon as I was in the safety of my room, my thick wooden door closed behind me, I collapsed to my knees in the middle of my floor, the guitar on the ground beside me, Edward's face staring back at me from behind my eyelids like they did every time I closed my eyes. I was stupid – so stupid for thinking they wouldn't notice, for thinking that for one night I could be _normal. _I was stupid stupid stupid for ever loving him. A loud sob escaped my throat, shaking my entire body. I curled up into a ball, and I cried tears that would no longer come.

**x.x.x  
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**So, we've got about 3 chapters left to go (I say 3, but I have a feeling the last chapter will be split in two, so it could be 4 remaining plus a possible small epilogue). Dudes. The end is so close. It's make me so :'(  
**

**Oh, and I kept forgetting to mention that I've posted an outtake to this story. You can find it on my profile, and it might serve as a nice little pick-me-up after all the cold hard angst I've been serving you**

**Thanks so much for reading you guys. You guys are so awesome ;)  
**


	25. Than Feel Nothing At All

_Chapter 25: …Than Feel Nothing At All. _

**Hey all :) it's been a while, huh? Thanks to Kristina (kapers_in_pink) for doing her awesome beta thing, and thanks to you for still sticking with me. You guys are so flipping amazing. **_  
_

**WARNING: This chapter DOES end in a cliffy. ****Just so you don't want to throw things at me when you get to the end, this is your heads up. If you want to wait until the next chapter is posted (which will actually be soon, I promise), I completely understand.**

**All right. *deep breath***

**And off we go...  
**

* * *

**I feel your comfort in my dreams  
Unprotected silence screams  
A light beyond your shadow beams  
Still I don't know what it means  
When seasons change  
Memories remain**

_**Slash ft. Kid Rock – I Hold On**_

**x.x.x**

**Edward.  
**

I stepped through the front door and I tugged on the cords to my earbuds, my head ducked down as I pressed pause on my iPod. The icy, gusting wind that had followed me inside the house caught the screen door and slammed it heavily behind me. I winced as I pulled back my hood. I paused for a second, listening, and the silence that filled the house was interrupted by the sound of small paws padding along the hardwood. Clyde appeared at the door, sliding across the hardwood as he scampered towards me, his tail wagging furiously as he reached me and promptly attempted to climb my shins.

"Al?" I called out as I peeled off my jacket and then bent down to untie my laces, pushing Clyde back and scratching him behind the ears in the process.

"Jesus Christ. _There_ you are." Alice materialized in front of me, sounding slightly out of breath. I glanced up as I slipped off my first shoe, and she loomed over me with her arms crossed over her chest. "What the hell, Edward? Where have you been?"

"Running," I shrugged.

"What the… who goes for a run on _Christmas Eve_?" she huffed.

"This guy," I said, slipping off my second shoe. I stepped around her, messing up her hair as I made my way to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water and I could feel Alice practically hovering over me, awaiting an explanation. I downed my water in two solid gulps and wiped my damp forehead with the sleeve of my t-shirt. Then I turned to face her, leaning back with my elbows against the counter.

"I couldn't find you. So I just went. I wasn't aware I needed your permission, Alice."

"You couldn't find me because I was in the bathroom. Getting ready for dinner. You know, Christmas Eve. At Carlisle and Esme's," she raised her eyebrows, speaking slowly. "We've got to be there, like, _now. _So get your ass in the shower."

"Al, chill out," I said calmly, glancing at the clock on the wall. "I talked to Esme this morning. I have time."

She smoothed out her dress. "Edward, it's Christmas," she said softly. Her eyes were on the floor. My brow furrowed.

"Alice… I know."

"Just… just promise me you'll _be there_, okay? Don't just show up and check out."

I rolled my eyes, trying to bite back the sting of her words. "Yeah, Alice, I'll _be there_," I said, and even the second time around her words tasted bitter on my tongue.

I turned, my body rigid as I walked to the stairs. When I neared the bottom, I ran both my hands through my hair, my head shaking slowly as I nudged open the door to my empty room. Empty. Grey. Always.

_Just promise me you'll _be there_, okay? _

Of course I'd _be there._

I spoke quietly, to myself, to the emptiness. "Because where the hell else am I going to go?"

**x.x.x**

The pain. Shit, I was sick of it.

It was unrelenting, cruel, constant.

It never faded, never slept. No matter how hard I tried, the pain was there, digging in my chest, clenching my heart, pounding in my veins.

And goddamn it, I was _tired. _I was tired of missing her, and I was tired of being stuck between that point of holding on and letting go. I was tired of seeing her only in my dreams, I was tired of the guilt and the regret, tired of the anger, of the wondering and the second-guessing. I was just… _tired. _

It had taken me almost three months to stop counting down the days she'd been gone. I was sad, pathetic, angry and unable to just fucking let go for reasons I can't even explain.

And I was still stuck waiting… waiting for something to happen, for some sort of sign to point me in the next direction. I was waiting for the moment that would decide my next move: would I hold on to my first love for the rest of my fucking life… or man up and move on?

Right now, I didn't know what direction I was facing. But Jesus, I was fucking tired.

I turned on the shower with shaking hands, standing naked in the hot spray for much longer than I had intended. But it was Christmas Eve, and Alice and I were going to Esme and Carlisle's for dinner, just like we did every Christmas Eve. So I needed to get my fucking head on straight, because I did not need them calling up my dad and telling him I was walking around Forks like a fucking zombie.

Like he would care, anyway.

I toweled off and dressed slowly – dark green button-up, dress pants, and a blazer. The clothes would please Alice and Esme. I splashed cold water on my face, leaning over the counter and inspecting the overgrown facial hair that had taken residence on my face the past few months. Running the backs of my fingers over the beard, I glanced down at my razor. It was sitting, untouched for weeks, on the counter beside my toothbrush. I let out a long breath. Whatever. I could shave another day. I brushed my teeth and towel-dried my hair, tossing my dirty clothes in the hamper before trudging back upstairs.

Clyde attacked my feet the second I reached the top step, and I scooped him up in my arms as I wandered into the living room to find Alice. She was curled up on the couch, and didn't even look up when I entered. She was wearing a dark red dress, her short hair in waves. The TV was turned onto that stupid fireplace channel Alice was always leaving on throughout the whole holiday season. And she was just staring at it, like she was waiting for the person that always stoked the burning logs to hop into the flames and start fucking river dancing or something.

I took a seat beside her, setting Clyde down on the couch between us. She turned and smiled lightly, "Hey, handsome." I knew she was trying to calm the tense air between us, so I played along.

"Hey," I replied, lifting up a corner of my face in a smile. "You look nice. We match." I gestured to her dress and my shirt – red and green.

She laughed softly. "We do."

I smiled, my gaze drifting to the TV. "You know we have a real fireplace, right?"

She shrugged. "It's a tradition. I can remember sitting in front of this when I was a kid, staying up as late as I possibly could waiting on Santa."

"I miss the days when I used to believe in magic and all that crap," I sighed. "Real life is such a bummer."

"It isn't always."

"No," I agreed after a moment, my mind drifting to suntans and a lake and a tattoo... "I suppose not."

We were silent for a moment, and then Alice got to her feet and flicked off the television. The only light in the house was coming from the colorful twinkling Christmas tree in the corner. "We should get going. Esme will have both our heads if we're late."

"True. I don't think I can handle the wrath of Esme tonight."

Alice smiled. "I made a cheesecake for dessert. It's in the fridge – you mind grabbing it? I'll gather the presents."

I nodded and got to my feet, and Clyde hopped off and followed me into the kitchen.

I wasn't a huge Christmas person; the one thing I did enjoy about the season was Christmas Eve. I think it was the peacefulness, the serenity of the evening. It was like the peak of the holiday season – the stores are closed, the Christmas shopping is done, the gifts are wrapped and nestled under the tree awaiting the morning.

At least, that's how it was here in Forks. It was one of those rare moments where we all stopped to take a breath, even if for just a moment. People played soft Christmas music, watched the unyielding log burning on television, decorated their homes with colorful lights and finally took a moment to appreciate it. Where neighbors acknowledged each other's existence; strangers smiled at each other on the streets. I liked the tranquility, especially after the stressful and hectic weeks that led up to the day. No work, no school… just the and generosity and the joy, followed by the hopeful beginning of a coming new year.

And man, was I ready for a new year.

Or maybe just a new life, really. Whatever.

I met Alice at the back door and we climbed into her car, driving the short distance to the outskirts of town to where Esme and Carlisle's house was. Esme had strung lights in the trees down the winding drive through the forest, and the entire house was lit up with white shimmering lights. It looked pretty incredible – Esme usually went all-out for the holiday season.

Alice, who had been silent the entire ten-minute drive, let out a breath and then glanced over at me, smiling. And man, it was good to see a genuine smile on that girl's face.

"Ready?"

I glanced towards the house. "Ready when you are."

She nodded and killed the engine, and we both climbed out, balancing the few things in our arms as we hurried through the chilly evening to the front door. It wasn't raining, but it was damp out, and cool enough that it felt like it almost could snow.

Alice managed to slide the front door handle open with her elbow, and when the door swung open we were greeted by a burst of warm air and the mouthwatering smell of Esme's dinner.

"Mom! Dad!" she called, setting the presents on the table just inside the door and wriggling out of her coat. I kicked the door shut behind me just as Carlisle and Esme joined us in the entrance.

"Hey guys!" Esme smiled warmly, wrapping Alice up into a hug. "Oh my, don't you both just look beautiful!"

"Thanks, mom," Alice giggled, hugging her back. "You look very nice yourself."

"Edward," Carlisle grinned, approaching me with his hand held out as Alice and Esme fawned over each other's outfits. I rolled my eyes at the two of them, knowing it was just one of those girl things I'd never truly understand. But when I turned to Carlisle, I felt a slow, wicked smile spread across my face. I eyed his sweater, a bright green Christmas tree knitted on the front of the red and cream patterned catastrophe.

Christmas presents really do come in all forms.

"Hey Carlisle," I laughed, "I didn't know we were having an ugly Christmas sweater party."

He shook my hand, pulling me in for a hug. "Watch it, boy. Your Grandmother made me this," he chuckled.

"Well, it's just lovely." I fought the urge to pinch his cheek.

"Smart ass." He pulled back, shaking his head as he grabbed the cheesecake from my hands. "I was under the impression you had to be nice to your poor uncle on Christmas."

"Naw," I said, slapping him on the back as I slipped past him. "That's just your birthday, old man."

Esme was waiting for me, her arms outstretched as she smiled at me adoringly. "Be nice, boys," she warned, a twinkle in her eye.

I wrapped her in a hug, lifting her off the ground and she laughed heartily. Pulling back, she cupped my face in her hands, frowning as her palms rubbed against my cheek. "Oh, Edward. Should I have bought you a razor for Christmas this year?"

I smiled in return. "Haven't you heard, Auntie? Facial hair is making a comeback."

She _tsked _me, but smiled and shook her head. Her cool thumbs brushed against the skin under my eyes.

"You haven't been fighting again, have you child?"

My smile slid right off my face. "What? No."

I saw her glance quickly over at Alice with sadness in her caramel brown eyes, but Alice was suddenly distracted, her attention in the other direction. I glared at the floor, stepping away from Esme and biting my tongue.

"Must be stress. Christmas is a hectic time of year." I looked up to find Esme smiling sheepishly at me. I returned the smile, but it required a little more force than I would have liked.

It wasn't like I could be mad at Esme – last time the purple bruises under my eyes _were _from fighting. But not this time. I just hadn't realized it was so bad.

"Well, I'm sure I'll sleep well after Aunt Esme's famous turkey dinner," I said, trying to lighten the mood again.

And it worked – Esme brightened almost instantly. "Yes, well, I hope you kids are hungry. I made entirely way too much food."

"You always do," Alice chimed.

"I do. But I think I forgot Rose wasn't joining us this year. Well, I suppose that just means more leftovers for you guys."

"I knew there was a reason I love you, Mom," Alice grinned.

I caught Alice's eye and smiled. Leftovers meant no microwave soup for at least a week. Neither of us were really all-star cooks.

"So where's Rose?" I asked.

Alice's smile faded from her lips. Her gaze shifted to the floor as she crossed her arms uncomfortably. "Um… her and Emmett went… to visit…" her voice trailed off and she looked up at me, like she was pleading me to figure it out before she was forced to say it out loud. But I was confused for a moment, wondering what in the hell was so hard for her to say in front Esme. Where would Rose and Em go that would be so completely scandalous? Had Emmett finally convinced Rose to take that Jamaican vacation to Hedonism? Then I realized that it wasn't Esme she was afraid of saying it in front of. It was _me_. My jaw tensed, my teeth clenched. Of course she wouldn't want to say their names out loud.

"_Oh_," I said quietly, turning away from her.

And just like Alice had feared, I was gone. I was in that moment between sleep and awake when I roll over and wonder why the other side of the bed is so cold, or I'm buried in paperwork and my phone rings and I answer it and the only thing I expect is her voice. And it was there in that moment, that flicker of hope you feel before the feeling in the core of your stomach alerts you to fact that something's wrong. It's the dreams you think really exist before reality sets in. I was gone but I wasn't, because I was there in the living room and Christmas music was playing and Carlisle was pouring me a scotch and the house smelled like turkey because really, I was there and it was just a stupid dream.

**x.x.x**

The car ride home was silent. I stayed a few paces behind Alice as we walked up the front step of the house, neither of us speaking. The wind was picking up and the air was bitter cold and it was a fucking silent night. Dinner was quiet – but Esme was right, she really did make too much and she sent us home with four warm containers of leftovers. We said our good-byes and wished each other a Merry Christmas even though we'd see them tomorrow again for brunch. Carlisle always cooked brunch on Christmas Day.

We let ourselves into the warm house and set our things down in the kitchen. Alice picked up Clyde as she turned to me and I braced myself, expecting the worst. When Alice was quiet for too long, she had a tendency to explode. But all she did was let out a long breath, her eyes on the floor.

"Want to watch a movie or something?" she asked, and her voice just sounded so tired.

"Uh…" I watched her cautiously, still wary of her reaction. I glanced longingly towards the stairs – all I really wanted was my pajamas and my bed.

"We can watch it in your room or something," she suggested, finally meeting my eyes. And she just looked so fucking _sad _that I couldn't say no.

"Yeah, sure," I said. "Why don't you pick something out? I'll meet you downstairs."

She nodded, "Thanks, Edward."

"Uh… sure," I shrugged, not having a clue what she'd be thanking me for. I watched as she disappeared down the hall, still doubtful there wouldn't be an explosion. But hell, it wasn't like I didn't deserve it.

I made my way downstairs and changed, then messed up my bed and hopped in. Alice came downstairs a few minutes later with Clyde and a DVD. She put it in and curled up beside me but didn't press play.

"Can we talk, Edward?" she asked softly, her voice muffled by the blankets she was laying on.

I stretched, my neck cracking, and those words were exactly what I'd been expecting to hear for months. "Yeah…sure," I agreed hesitantly.

It took a few moments for her to speak.

"I know that probably… well… this probably isn't the best timing for this conversation. But…" her voice trailed off and I waited for her to get the words out. She looked up, her eyes on mine and her voice firm, "But we need to stop doing this, Edward."

I sighed, my fingers tugging at a loose thread on my duvet. "Doing what?" I asked, trying not to make it sound like I was only humoring her.

"Feeling so damn sorry for ourselves. You're way worse than me, of course, but still." She waved her hand toward me and I looked down at her and clutched my chest in mock offence. Alice narrowed her eyes at me, "No, that's what I mean, Edward. You think… you play it all off. With me, you try and turn it all into a joke. Or you just… withdraw. Completely. We need to talk about this shit."

I was quiet for a moment. "…Now?"

"Yeah, now. Because I'm just going to say it – Emmett and Rose are somewhere we wish we could be right now. And it kills you! And I'm not going to lie, Edward. Maybe if you and Bella would flipping _talk _to each other, then we'd be there with them. You just… you have to stop being so damn _stubborn_." She hugged a pillow to her chest, her eyes fierce when she looked back up at me. "I miss him, Edward. And I know you miss her. So for once, can we just be honest with each other? This isn't how either of us would have chosen to spend our Christmas. Especially after the year we've had."

I crossed my arms over my chest, pulling away from her slightly. "If you're just distancing yourself from Jasper for _me_, then by all means Alice, you have my permission to go after him. Don't worry about leaving me here. I can handle being alone."

"That's not what I'm saying, Edward," she said, and the way she moved made it look like she was about to smack me. I flinched, and a smile played at her lips. She shook her head. "You really have to stop twisting people's words to suit you," she muttered. "I'm just saying that putting ourselves through this seems so unnecessary! I mean, I get it. You miss her. But you want to work this out? Talk to her! At least you'll know where she's at right now."

I rolled my eyes. "Geez, Alice. You make it sound so simple. Hey, let me just call her up – oh wait. I don't have her number. I don't even have a fucking clue where she _is_, Al! She's never tried to call me. And why would she? I _asked_ her to leave!"

Alice sat up. "Good grief, Edward. You know I talk to Jasper. Ask me. Surprise her. _Show_ her you're still here for her. Or let her go, and get some goddamn closure! Either way, you have to stop torturing yourself over this. It's making _me_ crazy."

I blew out a long breath, shaking my head slowly. I gestured towards the TV. "Can we just watch the movie?"

"No!" Alice slapped my hand out of the air. "We're not avoiding this anymore, Edward. Think of this as my Christmas present to you. I won't let you do this to yourself anymore. You've got to snap out of this shit."

"Look, I get it, okay?" I said. "I'm miserable. I'm stuck. But Alice, I don't know if Bella and I will ever really work out. Maybe I'm scared to give it everything I have just to get my heart broken! Again!"

"You take that risk with any girl you meet, Edward."

I shook my head. "Not if you don't choose to, Alice. I had no problem whatsoever ending things with Tanya. You can have a relationship without the emotional baggage."

"But somebody still gets hurt in the end, Edward. Always. Even if you don't see it, but maybe that girl you take home from the bar and never call again has the highest hopes for you two and gets crushed when she never hears from you again." She let out a long breath. "And do you really think you didn't hurt Tanya when you told her you didn't want a relationship with her? I mean, just look at what she did to get between you and Bella. And you think she didn't have _feelings_ for you? Somebody always gets hurt in the end. You just have to decide if that someone is worth the risk of getting your heart broken."

Clyde started crawling up the bed, resting his chin on my lap. I ran my fingers through his fur, my voice soft, "Was Jasper?"

"Was Jasper what?" Alice asked, sounding annoyed.

"Was Jasper worth the risk of getting your heart broken?"

She shifted in the bed, meeting my gaze. "Yes. Because Jasper made me feel… like… like I was the most important girl in the world. Like… everything was new again and I wouldn't change that feeling for anything." I stared at her and she didn't move, didn't waver. Her gaze was firm.

"I just wish I could be that sure," I said finally.

"Well…" Alice began fidgeting with the pillow in her lap, her eyes still on mine. "Don't take this the wrong way but… Edward. You're an amazing, amazing guy, okay? You're selfless, you're kind, you're respectful… and you always try so, so hard to do the right thing. You know that, right? You know how amazing of a person you are?"

I stared at my hands as she spoke. She paused, but I knew she wasn't expecting an answer.

"Then you should know… that _any_ girl would be lucky to have you."

I looked up at her slowly. "_Any girl, _Alice?" I repeated through clenched teeth.

She didn't even flinch. "Yes."

"I don't want _any_ girl -"

"_Edward_," she interrupted, placing her hand on my arm. "Then tell me, what's your _plan_? What are you going to do? Sit around and wait for her for the rest of your life? What if she never decides? What if she never trusts you? What if she decides to never grow up? What if," she leaned in close, her voice hard, "What if she doesn't _want_ you any more?"

I jerked my arm away from her. "Alice," I pleaded, squeezing my eyes shut. And I knew what she was trying to do. But I wasn't playing along. "Don't."

"No," she said, and I let her give it to me. Let her get it out. Let her feel like she was helping. "What if she never comes back, Edward? What if she's moved on? What are you going to do if she's better off without you?"

My hands were shaking. "You tell me, Alice. Because _you _talk to Jasper, so you tell me. Has she moved on? Is she better off without me? Does she w_ant me anymore?" _I spit her words back in her face.

"That's the point, Edward!" she cried. "I _talk _to Jasper. You don't talk to Bella. She hasn't called… she hasn't even _tried._"

"I know her, Alice. She just needs time. She can't. She's scared." And I'm rambling. And I'm making excuses.

Alice was silent.

"Why her? Why do you love her?"

I looked up, surprised at her question. "…_Why_?" I repeated in confusion.

"Yeah." Her eyes were firm. "And don't give me this 'because we have history' crap. Tell me. What makes her a good person? What makes her worthy of your love?"

I hardly even had to think. "It's never just been because we had history, Alice. You knew. You _knew _how much I loved her, how hard it was to get over her. You saw the things I did to myself—"

"Yeah, Edward. But _why? _Were you just some angsty, melodramatic teenager? Or did you think that you'd truly lost the love of your life forever? I mean, _why _was it so impossible to get over her?_"_

"Because… because she's Bella."

"Not good enough."

I narrowed my eyes at her because it didn't matter if was good enough for her or not. But I narrowed my eyes at her and continued, "Because, Alice, because I'm connected to her in ways I never thought possible. I love her because of the way she looks at me. When I walk in a room and see the look on her face, I know no one else will ever feel the way she feels about me. No one will ever love me as much or hate me as much as Bella does. I love her because of the way her eyes light up when she's playing her guitar, when's she's singing someone else's songs, but they become hers because they _are _her. Because of the way she fights so hard. Because of the way she doesn't trust people easily, but when she does, she lets you in and it's like the whole world is new and bright again. Because she sees things in a way I never could – she sees the beauty all around her and appreciates the smell of the air and the feel of the grass on her bare feet. Because she gets a tattoo on her neck for a boy that broke her heart, a boy she never expected to see again. Because she held on. Even though she ran, she fucking held on. And even because I told her to leave, I know she's out there somewhere, and I know she's still fighting for us. Because Bella doesn't just give up on shit like that. She's scared and she needs time, but she doesn't give up." When I stopped, my chest was heaving and I felt like I had just run another eight miles. I rubbed my palms over my face and looked at Alice, wondering if my answer was good enough yet.

"Okay."

I raised my eyebrows, looking at her incredulously. "_Okay_?"

"Yeah," she shrugged.

"I don't get it," I said. "You… you drag that out of me, you force me to talk about something I really have no fucking desire to talk about and it's just… _okay_?"

A small smile formed on Alice's lips and she busied herself fiddling with buttons on the remote. "Yeah… it's just nice to hear you speak passionately about something again, you know?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Jesus Christ, Alice. So that's what this is all about? Getting a rise of out me?"

"No, Edward," Alice looked up at me. "It was about getting you to _talk_ about it, for once. I never know where you're at, or what's going to set you off. And I'm not saying you deserve someone better, because you know I adore Bella, but… she's got a lot of growing up to do and you just… you deserve _something_, Edward. I can't watch you live your life in this shell anymore. Maybe I'm out of line, but obviously _you_ don't even know what you want. And… well… maybe now you know."

I collapsed back in the pillows, running my hands through my hair in frustration. "Know what, Al?"

"That you love her. And you believe in her. And yeah, you asked her to leave because for the first time in a long time, you did something for yourself. I get that, Edward. And I'm sure she does too. But if you really want to work on it, if you _need_ her in your life… maybe she should know. Maybe it would spare you both a lot of unnecessary pain."

I chuckled half-heartedly, settling my head back down on the pillow.

"I just miss her."

"I know."

"…How do you do it?"

She exhaled slowly. "Faith."

I wanted to roll my eyes, but for once I just worked my jaw as I thought. The word bounced around in my head, and I for the slightest moment I felt it. Something… Like the dimmest light in the blackest night, it flickered in my mind. _Faith. _Bella had always said faith for her was synonymous with hope. Was there hope for me?

Maybe.

At this point it was hard to believe, impossible even. The anguish so thick it felt as if I were constantly wrapped in a blanket of pain… with a constant ache, a constant hole in my chest… a missing piece… a missing half…

Was there hope for me? For _us?_

I didn't know. Because what if she hated me? What if, by asking her to leave, I'd destroyed our last shot at making it work? I didn't know. I didn't know anymore. And goddamn Alice for making me talk about it and making me feel it, and goddamn Christmas, goddamn a holiday that makes you miss everything you had even that much more. And just… goddamn it all.

The shrill ringing of the phone disrupted our moment of silent reflection. Alice groaned, rolling out of my arms and off my bed, grumbling something about me not keeping a damn phone in my room. I never saw a fucking point. Nobody ever called the house line for me anyway.

I buried my face in the pillows as she answered it, wishing she'd hurry the hell up because this place was so much colder and emptier without her.

I was becoming one dependent motherfucker.

I rubbed my face and closed my eyes, trying to focus on something, anything, that didn't make my chest swell with pain. I heard Alice creep back into my room a few moments later, the door closing with a soft _click _behind her. She cleared her throat. "Uh… Edward?"

I cracked open an eye to see she was holding the cordless phone out towards me, her hand covering the mouthpiece and her brow furrowed hesitantly.

"It's for you."

"Take a message," I mumbled, pulling the covers up over my head. I didn't know who the fuck it would be calling me, but I knew for damn sure I didn't want to talk to anybody right now.

For half a second I thought maybe it was my dad. Maybe he'd drank himself half-stupid this time and decided it was time to call up his only son and wish him a happy holiday.

But even that was far-fetched.

I felt her sit down on the edge of the bed, her weight shifting the mattress slightly, and she pulled the blankets down. I opened my eyes, glaring up at her and wondering why in the hell she hadn't told whoever it was on the other end of the line that I was fucking busy.

She gnawed her lip, her eyes wide.

"Edward, I really, _really_ think you're going to want to take this."

**x.x.x**


	26. We Go Back

_Chapter 26: We Go Back_

**Well. First off, my beta is a friggin' all-star. Seriously. She deserves an award or something. And you guys? Well, you guys rock. **

**Take a look at the chapter song. Have any of your theories from last chapter changed? Mwahaha...  
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**Before we packed our bags  
And left all this behind us in the dust  
We had a place that we could call home  
And a life no one could touch.**

_**Rise Against – The Prayer of The Refugee**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

On Christmas morning, I woke to the sound of voices. I could hear them drifting through my bedroom door and I rolled over, groaning. A glance at the clock on my nightstand told me it wasn't even seven a.m. I let out a long breath, falling back on my pillow.

Children got up early on Christmas morning; not full-grown adults who drank God knows how many bottles of wine the night before. What the hell was wrong with these people? When Emmett and I used to share that tiny hotel room back in Forks, he was able to sleep half the day away. When did he become such an early riser? The traitor.

But I knew that if everyone was already awake, I wouldn't be able to hide out in my room for very long. So I kicked the covers off and sat up, pushing my hair out of my eyes. Rubbing my face, I got to my feet and my hand reached out for a glass of water that had been left on my nightstand.

I made my way into my bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face, pulling my hair back into a ponytail. I chugged the rest of the water from my glass and filled it back up again, taking a couple sips. As I re-entered my bedroom I went to set the glass back down on my nightstand and paused as I listened – like, really listened – to the voices outside my door. They were hushed; not in the way that meant 'let's-be-fucking-quiet-because-someone's-still-sleeping hushed', but more like… anxious. A slow, sinking feeling formed in the pit of my stomach as I tried to make out words. And it was one of those moments when you know. You just fucking _know_.

Something was wrong.

Without a second thought, I grabbed a hoodie off the floor and rushed out of the bedroom. The sweater was only half on when I skidded to a halt in the living room. Everybody fell silent as I entered. As I looked around the room, the first thing that registered was that something was off. There were too many people there. The couches were too crowded. And I think my eyebrows shot to my hairline when I recognized the new addition curled up on the couch next to Jasper.

"Alice!" I couldn't mask the shock in my voice. I glanced at the others, looking for an explanation as Alice rose wordlessly from the couch and wrapped me in a hug that was far too restrained and consoling to be a six-month reunion hug.

"Alice, what are you doing here?" I asked when she pulled away, her eyes not quite meeting mine. And then I remembered that sinking feeling and the hushed, worried voices and suddenly I was worst-case-scenario-Bella. I thought my knees were going to give out when nobody spoke right away. Because like I said, children got up early on Christmas morning; not full-grown adults who drank God knows how many bottles of wine the night before. And because when people show up on your doorstep on Christmas morning after not seeing you for six months they tend to act a little bit more excited. And… because… fuck.

I looked between Emmett and Rose and Jasper and Alice and everybody looked miserable and no one was speaking. I lowered myself shakily onto the couch as my stomach churned. And as I looked around, I could only see the one person missing from the equation. _Edward_.

"What happened?" I asked weakly, looking up at Alice.

She closed her eyes and blew out a soft breath before she spoke, "Edward's fine." The breath I'd been holding escaped my lungs and it felt like the weight pushing down on me was lifted. I collapsed back into the couch and she continued, "But it's his dad."

Whatever relief I felt vanished. "What…?" I let the question hang there and I didn't have to be a genius to know whatever it was, it wasn't good.

"He's, well, he's really sick." She brushed a piece of hair from her face, her eyes meeting mine. "And it sounds like he's been sick for a while. Apparently he was diagnosed with pancreatitis about a year ago. And I guess it's really bad. And nobody knew, you know? And yesterday afternoon his neighbor found him collapsed on the driveway. He had an attack or something, and they rushed him to the hospital." Her voice wavered and I watched as Jasper reached for her hand, squeezing it gently. She looked over at him as she continued, "He was supposed to stop drinking, and he didn't stop drinking. And he didn't tell anybody and I guess he hasn't even been _working_. And I guess when he stopped working all he did was drink and… well, now he's in the hospital. They don't think he'll even make it through tonight." Her voice was bitter and her hands shook as her eyes filled with tears. "I mean, I know I didn't see him very much but he's my _uncle_. Carlisle's just a wreck and Edward – god, you just know Edward's going to blame himself. And I just…" She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand and took a deep, shaky breath. "I just don't know. And… and he didn't even _tell _anybody," her voice was bitter. And she didn't even attempt to wipe away the tears anymore. She leaned into Jasper's side and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight.

I closed my eyes and my head fell back against the couch. I blew out a long breath. And just liked that. I was crushed.

"Merry fucking Christmas," Emmett said sourly.

"Pretty much," Alice sniffled. "God, how terrible is it that all I really want right now is a fucking drink?"

I snorted as I lifted my head, wiping my own tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. "Tell me about it."

And then suddenly we were fucking laughing and crying over a man that we hardly knew because we didn't know what else to do. So Emmett went to the kitchen and brought back a bottle of whiskey and passed it around. And at seven a.m. on Christmas morning, sweet little Alice was the first to take a drink, straight from the bottle.

I stared down at my hands as Jasper passed the bottle back around to Emmett, the room silent. And it was like in the blink of a goddamn eye, I felt miniscule. Selfish. Because for the past six months I'd been moping around in this dark pit of despair when in reality, my problems were _nothing_. Nothing.

I, of all people, should have known that there are much worse fates than heartache.

I felt like I was slowly waking up from a long, deep sleep. And I hated that _this_ was the thing that finally made me snap out of it.

It made me sick and god, it made me want to make it better.

I didn't look up as I spoke. "How is he, Al?"

"Edward?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

She just kind of shrugged and slowly shook her head, "I don't know. I think he was just in shock when he got the news... And then he took off right away. He got a red-eye last night after we got the call and I haven't heard from him yet. Carlisle and Esme got a flight out this morning. And I…. I don't know. I'm scared." She looked up at me, her eyes wide. "I don't want to lose him, Bella."

And I knew she wasn't talking about her uncle.

Her voice was quiet, her lips almost moving silently. "I can't do it again."

"He's tough, Alice," I said softly. "He'll be okay."

"No." She shook her head. "It's already starting. I can feel it."

I stared at her. Feeling nothing. Feeling _everything. _I wanted to help. I needed to help.

But would he let me?

After everything?

"So what are you going to do?"

"That's why I'm here." Her lips moved slowly. "I want you to come with me Bella."

I didn't look around me, I didn't look at Jasper, I didn't even think. I just knew.

"I'll go pack."

**x.x.x**

I never realized how many people get on a fucking airplane on Christmas Day. It was busy at the Vancouver International Airport. It was quiet and sleepy but busy. Unfortunately, the people around me had much happier destinations in their future. The little boy parading around in a _Disneyworld or Bust _t-shirt with his happy, smiling family should have made me smile. But I only wanted to yell and scream and tell him how full of disappointment life is, and to never, ever leave Disneyworld. Dress up like Aladdin and live there forever – where it's always safe and happy. Where the princess always gets her prince. Where the good people never die and the heroes never have to hurt.

And as I sat with Alice, waiting impatiently for our plane to board, I wished the bars were open because I needed a fucking drink.

"Having second thoughts?" Alice looked over at me, trying to be funny even though we both had too much on our minds to be funny right now. Her eyes were red and her skin was blotchy and she was a mess. I looked over at her and gave her the finger. Oh, some things never change.

"No."

"All right." I could see her smirking out of the corner of my eye as she sipped her coffee.

Watching her and Jasper say good-bye at the security gate had almost made _me_ cry again. The way they looked at each other… I swear, it was like no time had passed. I wondered when Jasper was going to get his act together and just _be _with her already. Even if he didn't want to move back to Forks. I mean, if anybody could make a long distance relationship work, it was those two. There was just something about them. It's one of those things you just _know. _

Jasper had remained quiet as I rushed to pack my bag. He didn't say anything about me going, and for that, I was glad. I didn't know what his thoughts on the matter were. And to be honest, at this point I didn't care. Because if he had asked me to stay, I would have had to tell him I couldn't. It felt good to be making my own decision. It didn't matter if it was right or wrong – just that for once, I was choosing. I was going. Regardless of if he wanted me there or not.

And I'd never been close with Edward's dad – but that wasn't the point. As cruel and heartless as it sounded, I wasn't going there for him. I would be there for his son. Because even if Edward Sr. thought he wasn't hurting anybody by killing himself, I knew he had a son that would care very much, despite anything that had happened between the two of them in the past. And I wasn't going to let Edward Sr. hurt his son anymore.

My hands shook as I looked around the airport, watching the planes charge down the runway. As I stared at the massive, gigantic machines, a new fear began to manifest itself in the pit of my stomach. There was no way something that big would be able to fly. No way it could carry 500 passengers across all the way to Jacksonville. No way.

"Alice?" I asked, my voice shaking with nerves.

She glanced up from the magazine she was leafing through. "Hmm?"

I took a deep breath. "I've never been on a plane before."

She raised an eyebrow. "Ever?"

"Never."

She set the magazine down on her lap. "What about when you moved?"

"U-Haul from Phoenix to Jacksonville," I said, smiling slightly at the memory.

"Well, remind me never to move. Flying's fun. Take-off is like being in a racecar. A giant, flying racecar."

"I… I really don't like driving fast."

Alice laughed. "Relax, Bella. You'll be fine."

I wasn't so sure. I popped another piece of gum in my mouth because Emmett said it would help as we started our ascent into the sky. I didn't see how gum would keep me from losing my shit, but hell, I'd try anything at this point. I wished I'd at least had the foresight to pop some Gravol or something. But that's one of the things you tend to forget when you're packing for an impromptu trip to go console your ex when his father's about to die. Whatever. I would deal.

Alice turned to me. "Is it weird?" she asked, as a lady came over the intercom and called out numbers to a flight that wasn't ours. I triple checked my boarding pass just to be sure.

When I was certain that we were, in fact, not boarding the flight to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, I asked, "Is what weird?"

"Going back there? To Jacksonville?"

I blanched. My stomach fell to my knees.

I was going back to Jacksonville. That hadn't even sunk in yet.

I looked back up at her, eyes wide. "Uh, yeah. Really weird, actually. Thanks for the reminder."

Alice smiled sympathetically. "Sorry. I figured you would have put that together already. But… why is it so weird?"

I rubbed my temple as I chewed my gum. "Just… a lot of memories in that city. I mean, it's not all bad." I sighed. "But still. I've been running from that place for almost six years. Kind of makes it a little strange to go back now. And for him." I smiled to myself, shaking my head. "I'd still do anything for him."

"I know you would."

I looked over at her, my voice hardly a whisper. "He doesn't know I'm coming, does he?"

She shook her head, hesitating before she answered. "No… not exactly. But he's going to be so glad you did, Bella. Trust me."

And man, I hoped she was right. I hated that _this _was the reason I was going to him. But the second Alice asked me to go, I knew I didn't have a choice. I wanted to. I _needed_ to.

Even if he told me he didn't want to see me, even if he yelled at me and told me to go home, I was going to do this. I had to.

"This doesn't feel real," I admitted, chewing my thumbnail. "I can't believe you're here. I can't believe I'm about to get on a plane. I can't believe I'm going back there, and I'm going to see him… and his dad… his dad's going to die. It shouldn't have to be like this. It's not right. "

"No," Alice agreed. "It's not right. But our plane's boarding." She got to her feet and slipped her magazine in the bag slung over her shoulder. She nodded towards our gate, gate 23, and the slow, sleepy line of people waiting to pass through. "So are you going to do this?"

I took a deep breath. And I was running, and maybe it went against my nature, and maybe it was the wrong direction, but for the first time I was running to him. And that had to count for something.

"Yeah." I got to my feet. "Let's do this."

**x.x.x**

Florida felt different.

The air was too heavy. The sun was too bright. There were too many people. Too many faces. Too much happening. The smells in the air triggered memories I forgot I even had. I hated it. I wanted out.

Alice, on the other hand, looked like she was in paradise. She shoved her bulky winter jacket in her bag the second we stepped off the plane, pulled her sunglasses down over her eyes and raised her face to the sky. I remembered when I used to feel that way about this place. But that was a long, long time ago.

I kept my head down at we hailed a cab, too afraid to see something that would remind me of the things I didn't come here to think about. I was here for Edward. Not to chase down long forgotten memories. Alice rode in the cab with her nose pressed to the window, and I buried my face in her magazine. And I could do this.

But when we pulled up in front of Jacksonville Memorial Hospital, I realized it would be harder than I thought. My breath caught in my throat as I stared up at the building and handed the cab driver our fare. I hadn't expected this place to be so much the same. I hadn't expected to remember that night like it was yesterday. And when I woke up this morning, I had not expected to end up here.

But this was it. There was no going back. I had travelled completely across the country in less than one day for this. I had gotten on a fucking airplane and I had survived. And now, I had to face this whether I wanted to or not.

And the tears were already rolling down my face long before I even saw him. This place, these halls, the memories. I felt like I was reliving the night I almost lost Jasper, and this was the place Renee and Phil would have come to, had they made it that far. I followed Alice into the elevator, and when the doors opened we passed by a desk. But I wasn't really seeing anything. I felt like the walls of the city were closing in around me and maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe this was a very bad idea. I didn't even bother to wipe my tears and I didn't see anybody until I saw him.

He was slouched in a chair, in a small, empty waiting area. He had his elbows resting on his knees and his head bowed. And he was right there and this was real. I didn't realize Alice had stopped and it was just me. My heart was in my throat and my head was too light. Everything was wrong but I had never been more okay with that. I neared him with shaky steps. And when he looked up, finally, I was right there.

_Christmas trees. _It was the only thing I could think. His eyes… they were the color of Christmas trees.

I dropped my bag to the floor and he just blinked up at me like he didn't believe he was really awake. His face was expressionless as he watched me.

He looked so different. He had shadows under his eyes and a thick beard that wasn't simply a result of the news he'd received last night. Hell, if I could have hidden behind a beard for the past six months, I would have done the same thing. But he was still beautiful, even through the pain.

When he didn't respond after a moment, I bent down in front of him and touched his knee carefully. "Hey," I said softly, kind of afraid of startling him.

He finally moved. His hand slipped to mine and his fingers curled around my hand. "_Bella_." And the sound of his voice when he said my name almost made me crumble all over again.

And before I could move or react, he was on his feet and I was in his arms and he was holding me so tight I thought I might break. And my arms found their place around his middle and I tried to break him too.

"Bella. Jesus. What the hell are you doing here?" The relief in his voice almost made me want to laugh. But I couldn't laugh when I could feel the dampness on my shoulder. And I couldn't laugh when he was hugging me so tight I could hardly breathe. And I couldn't laugh when _this _was why I was here.

"Alice came," I tried to explain, my voice muffled by his chest. "And I couldn't say no, Edward. I had to come."

"You didn't have—"

"Edward, just shut up and let this one go, okay?" I interrupted, and his laugh was choked by his tears.

He held me tighter. "Okay."

"Thank you."

His head was ducked down, his face buried in my shoulder. I pressed my forehead against his shoulder and just fucking held him. And at that point, I don't think there was anything in the world that would have made me let him go.

"It's so fucking good to see you," he said. His body trembled against mine. "I just can't believe you're here."

"Where else would I be?" I said, trying with all my strength just to keep him together.

He let out one small laugh. "I truly don't know, Bella."

"I'm sorry," I said softly.

"Don't," he said, and he was right. Not the time nor place for apologies.

When he started shaking so badly I feared he wouldn't be able to stand any longer, I finally loosened my grip and took a step back. He stared down at me, his eyes wet and he just looked so damn grateful. And I was so glad I was here.

He slowly lowered himself back into his chair and I went to go take the seat across from him. But he reached out and grabbed me by my hand, gently tugging me backwards. He pulled me into his lap and said, "I'm sorry. I just really fucking need you right now."

I closed my eyes and tried not to think about how amazing those words sounded. "Okay," I said, and I ran my fingers through his hair and then rested my head against his. "I'm here."

"Thank you," he said softly.

"Of course," I said. And for a moment, it felt like Alice and Jasper – like no time had passed at all. And it was nice – comfortable. Because no matter how many times we tried to fool ourselves the truth was that we still needed each other.

Thinking of Alice, I lifted my head and craned my neck, glancing down the hallway as I looked around for her. But she was nowhere to be found. I assumed she'd probably gone to find her parents. Because she needed them and they needed her too.

"So how is he?" I asked gently, my hand rubbing slowly up and down his back.

Edward let out a long breath. "He's… I don't know. He's still here. I guess right now that's the main thing." His voice sounded dull. Defeated.

"Is there any chance…?"

"No."

I blew out a soft breath. "Oh."

"Yeah. It would have been nice to have a little time to prepare, but whatever. That's my dad for you. So fucking stubborn."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"It's fine, really. I'm just sick of being here already. I've been sitting with him all day and I needed a break. And then I came out here and realized I didn't have anywhere to go."

I shifted on his lap. "Do you want to go grab some coffee or something?"

He shook his head. "If I have any more coffee, I'm gonna climb the fucking walls. Maybe… do you want to go for a drive?"

I hesitated. "What about your dad? Are you sure you want to leave him?"

"The doctor doesn't think he'll even wake up again now. At this point… we're just kind of waiting for him to… you know." He shrugged and his gaze got lost somewhere down the hall.

"Edward…" my voice trailed off and I put my hand on his arm. "Don't you want to be there?"

"Honestly?" He looked down at me, the answer written all over his face.

I took his hand and got to my feet. This is what I was here for. "Then let's go."

**x.x.x**

I wasn't surprised when Edward parked his rental car down by the pier. I didn't even know if it was intentional that he ended up there or if he just… ended up there. And as I got out of the car I was amazed at how much the same everything was. It was quiet because it was Christmas and all the shops were closed, but there were a few families down on the beach, enjoying the sun. And I felt myself grinning when I noticed that _Flavors, _the ice-cream store that Edward and I used to frequent, was still in business. I just wished they were open and we could go in and say hi to Amor. What I wouldn't give to hear him call me his little _ganda _again. That alone would have made this trip worth it.

Edward and I made our way down the beach until we found ourselves under the pier, back in our old spot. And it was so natural to take this walk together – picking our way across the sand. He would wait for me to slip under the old wooden beams and then follow me until we were hidden away under the pier. I took a seat in the sand and looked around me. There was new graffiti scribbled in different colors along the old wood and a few pieces of garbage here and there, but otherwise it was the same. And it was the first time since being back in Florida that I felt like I was home.

"I can't even remember the last time I was here," I breathed.

Edward ran his fingers through the sand. "Last time I was here I was wasted." He shook his head. "And I was looking for you. But you were long gone…"

"I'm sorry," I offered, but he waved me off.

"You're here now. That's what matters."

"I'm glad you think so," I admitted.

He cocked his head to the side. "Why do you say that?"

"Well… I guess I was afraid you'd think I was only here because of your dad. Or that'd you wouldn't want to see me and you'd be mad that I even came at all. I don't know if I still have a place in this part of your life… I guess I just didn't know what to expect." I let out a long breath. It felt so good to get that off my chest.

"Then why'd you come?" he asked, his words gentle. I could tell he wasn't trying to be mean; his voice was genuinely curious.

I shook my head slowly. "I guess… I just didn't care. In my mind, it was where I needed to be. And here I am."

His face lifted up into a half-smile. "Honestly, it never even crossed my mind that you'd be here. I mean… not that that's a bad thing. I was just surprised. Not mad. Definitely not mad. It's just… it kind of sucks that this is the reason I'm seeing you again, you know?" He looked over at me like he was sorry for having to say it.

"I know," I said softly, closing my eyes as I spoke. "Trust me, I know. I just felt like suddenly you were going through something, through pain and loss that wasn't caused me or our… our _ridiculousness_. You're going through something _real_, something I've been through and I thought maybe this time I could help… I needed to do _something. _Because the thought of you hurting, Edward, it still kills me inside. But you have every right to ask me to leave. This is about you and your family and not me and my guilt, or whatever this is –"

"Bella," he interrupted me, his voice quiet. I opened my eyes and looked over at him, my lip between my teeth. He lifted his lips into a soft, reassuring smile. "Stop. Of all the people that have come here today… well, you were the only one I wanted to see. You're the first one that made me smile." He looked at me, and his smile grew slightly. "And yeah, maybe the fact of the matter is that it _sucks_ that this is the reason I'm seeing you again. I wish you could have come back on your own terms and I wish it was easier to know what you being back here meant."

"_You and me both_," I said softly, blowing out a long breath. Because, shit, I'd been trying to stop myself from thinking about just what in the hell this all meant since I stepped foot out my door this morning.

He was silent for a moment, though I could feel his eyes on me, trying to read me, trying to figure this all out. "I just never thought you'd come back here," he said finally.

I shrugged lightly as I looked over at him. "I never thought I'd have a reason to."

And we just looked at each other, and I wondered why in the hell I ever left in the first place.

"So how are you doing, Edward?" I asked. "Really?"

His jaw hardened and he looked down. "I don't even know. I feel like I haven't even had time to process everything. It just all happened to fast. Thanks for that, Dad." His voice was understandably bitter.

"You're sure you don't want to get back there though?" I asked. "I don't want you to… I don't know. I want you to be able to say good-bye."

"I said good-bye to my father years ago."

"Edward…"

He rolled his eyes. "If he really wanted me to be there, he would have let me know. But I guess he and my mom are more alike than I thought – suffer in silence and all that bullshit. And it doesn't matter anyway. I know the bastard will hold on long enough so that I'm there to see him die." He paused and he drew in a deep breath.

"I mean, it's not even that I don't want to be there. I just… I can't see him like that. I can't deal with the consequences of his mistakes. And I shouldn't have to. I'm his fucking son – _he's_ the adult. He should have known better. He would have been better off to just put the fucking gun to his head."

"Edward," I said gently, reaching for his hand. "I really am sorry."

He flipped his hand over and laced his fingers through mine, squeezing it gently. "So am I, Bella."

I pulled my knees into my chest and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. Off in the distance, the sun was getting lower and lower in the sky. I took it in with surprise. I had no idea it was so late. I was about to suggest that maybe we head back when Edward shifted in the sand beside me.

"Hey, so I heard Emmett and Rose were at your place last night," he said.

"Yeah," I said, turning to him and trying to pretend that it wasn't weird to be talking like this. "But I'm sure they headed out by now. Alice is getting them to dog-sit for you guys."

He nodded. "Yeah, I figured. So where…" his voice trailed off, and when I looked over at him, he wouldn't meet my eyes. And I knew what he meant, and I knew what it was like to ask questions when you truly didn't know if you wanted the answer.

I watched him for a moment and then decided. I was here. It had to mean something. "Just outside Vancouver," I told him. "Jazz and I are renting a condo."

"That's great," he said but his voice lacked enthusiasm.

"Yeah," I agreed, but what it sounded like to me was, "I miss you."

We fell silent. I stared out at the waves as they rolled into shore. I watched the family out on the beach, snapping pictures as they splashed through the surf. I shook my head. _Tourists. _I watched the birds in the sky, flying high and diving low as they played in the ocean breeze. But what I didn't watch was Edward, because I couldn't. Because I didn't even want to guess what he was thinking right now. Because I didn't want to let myself go there. Not now.

Finally, he turned to me and broke the silence, "Bella, can I be honest with you?"

"I'm still wearing your shirt," I blurted out.

He raised his eyebrows, clearly taken aback. "Huh?"

"Your shirt. I spilled soup and Alice gave it to me. Before I knew you were, well, _you_." I smiled, unzipping my hoodie. "I'm still wearing it. I mean, I've taken it off since, but right now I am."

He cracked a smile. "Jesus. There's something wrong with you, you know that?"

My head bobbed as I leaned back and traced shapes in the sand. "Yeah."

He laughed and god, it felt good to hear that.

"You can't avoid this forever, you know," he told me.

I smiled. "Yeah, I know." Then I turned to him, "Hey, Merry Christmas, by the way."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, not so much."

I shrugged. "It was worth a try."

He smiled as he watched me, and his hand found mine again. His fingers slid between mine and he pressed our palms together. "Merry Christmas, Bella."

And together, on that Christmas Day, we sat in the sand under the pier, in a place I never thought I'd ever be again, and watched the sun set.

**x.x.x**

Edward Cullen Sr. passed away that Christmas at 11:07 in the evening. And just as Edward had predicted, he waited until his son was the only one present in the room before finally letting go. Alice, Carlisle, Esme and I were all downstairs in the cafeteria, eating soggy pasta and pasty tomato sauce, joking about how brutal a Christmas dinner this was, when Edward found us. And by the look on his face we knew it was over. And after that everyone was just… tired.

Edward insisted that every come back to his parents place. And we were just too exhausted to argue. So we piled into the vehicles and I drove Edward, who hadn't slept in over 36 hours, in his rental car. Carlisle, Esme, and Alice followed behind in the vehicle Carlisle had rented. Edward was fast asleep in the passenger seat before I'd even paid for parking. I navigated the Jacksonville streets with surprising familiarity and soon we were pulling up in front of Edward's parents house. Which, technically, was probably his now.

And again, I was back at a place I never thought I'd see again.

Even from the outside, his house felt the same. It was a classic Victorian style house built sometime in the early 1900's. The house and been remodeled and renovated throughout the years, but still emulated the charming, sophisticated vibe of homes from that era. A long white porch ran across the front with thick rectangular columns that supported the overhanging veranda. The windows and doors were trimmed in white and the siding was a dark brown. And apart from the slightly over-grown grass in the front yard and the lack of flowers lining the front porch, everything seemed the same as I had left it over five years prior. It still managed to blow my mind how some things could manage to remain so unchanged while the world spun wildly around them.

Once we made our way inside, Edward flipped on a few lights, pointed people in the direction of bedrooms, and practically face-planted on the couch. He was asleep within minutes. Esme covered him with a blanket and put on tea as she wandered around admiring the architecture and interior designs. I stayed up with her mostly because I needed some time to process this clusterfuck of a day. I meandered around the house with my cup of steaming Earl Grey, looking at pictures and smiling at old memories. The house smelled the same and felt the same, and for once, I was okay with that.

By the time I was ready to turn in, all the guest rooms in the house were occupied. And as I crept into Edward's old bedroom and closed the door silently behind me, I realized that maybe I had wanted it this way. I sat on his bed, looking around and breathing in the old memories. The gold comforter was still spread smoothly over his bed and I lay down slowly, staring up at the ceiling. If I closed my eyes I was there – sprawled out on the bed listening to Free Bird for the first time, dancing around the carpet and singing to every song that came on the radio, stretched out on the bed, bodies tangled in the sheets, kissing like we fucking invented it. I was beginning to realize that very few memories about this place were bad ones. I was beginning to discover that there were a lot of memories I'd forgot I wanted to remember.

I laid there, my eyes closed and my mind in another time, and I didn't wake until well into the next day. And it was in a place I hadn't considered home in a very long time that I had the best nights sleep months.

**x.x.x**

The next few days were busy with funeral arrangements, going over the will, and visiting with relatives. I decided to stay until after the funeral just so I could help out and be there for Edward. Not that I saw much of him. He and Carlisle remained locked in the study as they worked out the details of Edward Sr.'s last wishes. Though lucky for them, Edward Sr. was not only well prepared for his death but was also a lawyer, so it seemed that Edward and Carlisle's task was not as complicated and stressful as it could have been. Though it didn't help to quell all Edward's frustrations as a new complication or aggravating request seemed to pop up almost every hour.

"Ugh! Are you fucking kidding me!"

Esme, Alice and I all looked up when we heard Edward's frustrated cry and then the sound of something heavy hitting the ground. These angry outbursts had become common around here over the past few days. We exchanged looks that simply said "_what now?" _But judging by the sounds of the heavy footfalls coming towards us from the study, we were about to find out.

"He wants me to keep the house," Edward spat, joining us in the kitchen where he paced in a frantic circle around the hardwood. He tugged at his hair, looking around at us like he wasn't really seeing anything. "_Keep the house?" _he spat, "Is he fucking mental? I mean – seriously – _seriously?_ _Jesus_." With that he spun around and stomped back to the study. I looked up at Alice and Esme and tried not to laugh.

"Well, at least there were no great aunt Charlotte's around to witness that one," Esme smiled.

I rolled my eyes. There had been a steady stream of friends and long lost relatives coming by the house, all offering their condolences, hugs, cards, flowers, and food. Oh god, the food. There was so much food.

"Can't we take great aunt Charlotte home with us?" Alice pleaded, turning to her mother. "I really liked her. She's got a great eye for fashion, that one."

"Great eye for fashion?" I snorted. "I didn't even think they made hats like that anymore, Al." I giggled, picturing the giant wide-brimmed hat that aunt Charlotte had been donning when she burst through the door. The hat was swathed in tulle and smothered in flora and feathers and had to have been out of fashion for at least a hundred years. And I was certain there was a terribly old, antique umbrella out there somewhere that matched it. I could just imagine aunt Charlotte strolling down the Chicago streets, sipping sweet tea and twirling her lacy umbrella like she was from 1907 or something.

"They don't," Alice sniffed. "That's why the woman has class."

"Or she's delusional," Esme countered. I leaned over and high-fived her across the counter.

"How am I even your daughter? You guys have zero taste," Alice groaned, crossing her arms over her chest and turning away from us.

I sat back in my seat and Esme and I grinned at each other. There hadn't been one single time over the past few days that I'd felt out of place being here. I had been worried that it would be really weird being here, staying with them. I didn't want to be an imposition, especially considering what they were all going through right now. And I definitely didn't want to make the week any more awkward and tense than it already was. But everybody had been so welcoming and accepting of the fact that I'd come. Almost freakishly so. They were good people. They were amazing people. And I couldn't believe I had almost forgot.

Esme bossed me around like I was blood-related and the relaxed smile on Carlisle's face every time he emerged from the study made me feel as if he were truly grateful I'd come. As strange as it was, I felt like family. Mind you, a lot of it might have been attributed to the fact that I'd hardly had any alone time with Edward. At all. Obviously he had enough on his mind as it was, and there was no way I was going to be one of his frustrations. So when he looked up at me from across the table at dinner, I smiled. If he needed a hug after dealing with another carload of old family friends, I gave him one. I was there. He needed me and I was there.

It was almost like we were living in our own little twilight zone, where the past six months had never even happened. The angst and the loneliness had been swept away by an event so much deeper. Tragedy had brought us together, at least for a little while. But I was afraid to think about what would happen when reality finally set it.

Whatever happened, I knew things would never be the same again.

So I was going to keep on living in this strange little bubble for as long as I could.

**x.x.x**

**

* * *

**

**So... strange little bubble or are our dear Edward and Bella finally growing up? And did you expect to find either of them back in Jacksonville again? I can't wait to hear your reactions. I have a feeling that 27 is going to be huge... ;)**

**Thanks for reading!  
**


	27. Free

_Chapter 27: Free_

**You'll sit alone forever  
If you wait for the right time.  
What are you hoping for?  
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready  
Holdin' on tight  
Don't give away the end  
The one thing that says mine.**

_**Jimmy Eat World – 23 **_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

The days leading up to the funeral seemed to roll into one. It was like we went to bed the night after we arrived back from the hospital, spent one long day planning and arranging and eating more food than we knew what to do with, and awoke the day of the funeral. Suddenly, I was zipping up a dark dress and curling my hair and painting my nails and it was time.

That morning, Edward shaved off his beard. And although I'd grown accustomed to it over the past few days, I honestly couldn't say that I was sad to see it go. Because when he strolled downstairs in his fitted black suit and clean-shaven face, my heart stopped a little. I tried to act normal and grinned up at him as I struggled to slip on the backs of the silver-studded earrings Alice had lent me. I could hear the shower running upstairs where Carlisle was, and Alice and Esme were apparently still getting ready. For the first time since the car ride home from the hospital, we were alone.

"Hey," I smiled gently, straightening up as he approached. "You look very nice, Edward."

"Thanks," he said, reaching up and nervously adjusting his tie. Then his hands rubbed anxiously at the smooth skin of his cheeks as he shook his head. "Fuck. I feel naked."

"Well, you look great," I assured him. "Besides, I think it was time you gave Grizzly Adams his beard back."

"Ha, ha," he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he glanced over his shoulder at the clock that hung from the wall. "We've got a few minutes. Want a drink?" His gaze returned to mine, his eyebrows raised expectantly. And the feeling that his expression gave him was hard to explain. I mean, I was Bella Swan. I could be relied on to be a good drinking buddy even at the most inappropriate of times. Except… I wasn't that Bella anymore.

I considered him for a moment, watching as he swept a hand through his hair and then tugged his tie again. He was nervous as hell. And although I knew that one drink wouldn't hurt anything, I shook my head slowly, "Actually, I'm sorry but I think I'll pass," I told him. "I don't really drink. Anymore."

I registered the shock on his face before he tried to conceal it. "Really? Not at all?" he asked, forcing indifference into his voice.

"No," I shrugged, hoping he wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. "Not really. I mean, I had like half a glass of wine on Christmas Eve, but that was the first time in a while."

"Huh." He turned towards the kitchen, the looked back at me like he wasn't exactly sure what to make of it. "Well, good for you, Bella. That's… that's really great." He nodded like he'd decided something. "What about some coffee instead?"

I smiled in relief, "Yeah, that'd be great, actually. Thanks." I followed him into the kitchen, perching myself up on one of the stools at the island as he pulled two coffee mugs from the cupboard and poured us both a cup. He passed me mine across the counter and raised his cup to his lips, his eyes meeting mine as he took a sip.

"I know I probably haven't said this enough," he said as he set the cup down on the counter and leaned towards me, "But thank you for being here, Bella. Really. And thanks for staying. I know it probably doesn't seem like it, but I really appreciate it."

I waved him off. "Edward, seriously. It's fine. I told you I wanted to be here and I meant it."

He nodded slowly as he took another sip of his coffee. "Yeah, well, it just really means a lot to me. And I just wanted you to know."

"Well… thanks," I said finally.

"I feel like I've hardly even seen you," he said, his voice quiet.

I looked up, raising an eyebrow. "Because you haven't had your hands full," I joked lightly. "It's _okay_," I assured him when his expression grew even more apologetic. "I understand. Stop looking at me like that, would you?"

He rolled his eyes. "It's just… I'm sure it's not easy, you being back here."

I shrugged. "It seemed harder in theory. But now that I'm here… I'm glad I did this. It wasn't all bad," I told him, shaking my head. "In fact, there was a lot of good that happened here. A lot of good I'd forgotten about."

"Yeah," he agreed, meeting my gaze with a small smile. "There was."

A comfortable silence fell between us. And we just looked at each other, smiling; pieces of us falling back into place. And it was lighter. Easier.

"So…" he hesitated, running the tip of his finger around the rim of the coffee cup. He looked up at me, "When are you heading back?"

"I've got a flight out of here tomorrow morning," I told him, unable to explain the sudden guilt that had settled in my chest. "I mean, I haven't been at my job for very long, and I really didn't want to take too much time off…" my voice trailed off and I glanced back up at him, and I hated the sadness and disappointment staring back at me in his green eyes. I almost opened my mouth to tell him I'd change my flight if he wanted me to. What's a couple extra days, really? If he asked, I'd stay.

But he didn't ask. He just nodded, like he understood and said, "Yeah, I suppose you're right."

And I was left wondering just what in the hell I was so right about.

We both looked up at the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. And I felt weird, like we were about to be caught doing something wrong. Edward glanced over at me, catching my eye. "At least let me drive you to the airport," he said quickly just before Alice joined us in the kitchen.

I pretended to be busy drinking my coffee when I nodded, but I didn't miss the small smile that graced Edward's lips when he noticed.

"Hey, you guys look great," Alice said, setting her small clutch down on the counter and hugging her cousin, standing on her tip-toes to give him a peck on the cheek before she stepped back.

"Thanks, Al," Edward said, setting his coffee cup down on the counter. He looked down at his hands as he flexed his fingers, and even from where I was sitting I could see them shaking nervously. "Well, if you'll excuse me, ladies," he said as he began patting down his pockets. "I'm just going to step outside for a smoke before we get going. I'll be right back." He bowed his head as he left the kitchen.

I looked over at Alice, who was scowling as she watched her cousin's retreating form. I raised my eyebrows in amusement.

"What? Did he quit?" I asked in a hushed voice as I leaned across the counter.

"Yeah." Alice made a face. "He tried. Well, he's trying. I think he's been pretty much un-quit for the past week though. Little shit. But hey, I haven't seen you smoking. Did you quit, too?"

"Yeah. Right after we moved. I was smoking over a pack a day and I'd just had enough. Quit cold turkey."

"And you haven't cheated once?" Alice asked curiously.

"Nope."

"Good for you," she smiled.

"Thanks," I said, leaning back on the stool, stretching. "Feels pretty good, actually."

"Well you should try and talk some sense into him," she said, tilting her head in the direction Edward had gone.

I shrugged. "He'll quit when he's ready. At least he's trying."

"I suppose," Alice frowned. Then she leaned across the counter towards me and lowered her voice. "So, I wasn't interrupting anything when I came down here, was I?" she asked.

I shook my head, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. "Not really. We were just talking."

"About?" she pressed.

"About…" my voice trailed off. I shrugged. "Stuff."

"Stuff?" she repeated, an eyebrow raised in curiosity.

Luckily, I didn't have a chance to elaborate any further. Esme and Carlisle chose that moment to come downstairs, both looking far too gorgeous to be the parents of a twenty-four year old woman. Alice gave me a look that clearly said that our conversation was not over as they joined us in the kitchen. I just rolled my eyes as I got up to hug Esme and Carlisle.

A few minutes later Edward was back inside and it was time to go. Edward insisted on driving his rental to the funeral home, and as we filed out of the house and into the vehicles, he grabbed my hand and pulled me along with him to his car. Carlisle followed in the vehicle behind us and I sat in the passenger seat and Edward didn't let go of my hand once during the entire drive. I knew that everything was beginning to hit him; his blasé façade was fading. And if he wanted me to sit in the passenger seat and silently hold his hand, then that's what I was going to do. No questions asked.

The day was overcast, but still really warm. The funeral home was crowded with men wearing their business suits and women wearing dresses that probably cost more than what I made in a month. The service seemed to fly by, and we were standing over a hole in the ground as a priest read from a thick bible. Edward stood across from me, his hands clasped at his waist, his gaze on the ground. And I couldn't take my eyes off him. Because even though there were no tears in his eyes, I recognized a lot of the emotions crossing his face. Regret. Sorrow. Anger. I knew those emotions well.

I knew from experience that in the future, when I looked back upon this day, there wasn't going to be a lot of specific details from today that I would be able to recall. But there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would ever forget the look on Edward's face as he stood there looking down at his father's casket. He looked so young and so afraid – he was just a little boy. Scared. Alone. Lost. But the moment was fleeting. Almost as quickly as it happened, his jaw hardened and the moment passed. He transformed back into the angry, disappointed son who'd lost too much at too young an age. But that small glimpse of the broken, scared Edward was something I'd always remember about this day. And I had a feeling that no matter where I ended up in life, that image would always make me feel as if I was no longer standing on the cusp of his life, waiting. I was there, beside him. And he was with me, that aching in my chest, the sadness I felt down to the core of my bones. Because even with the crowd gathered around us and a hole in the ground six-feet deep separating us, I'd never felt closer to him. I knew more how he felt in that moment than I had ever before.

I had been there and _that _was real.

There was coffee and tea and juice and finger foods awaiting us at the small hall Esme had booked not far from the cemetery. Edward was the last to leave his fathers grave and we left him in peace, Carlisle and Esme dapping their wet eyes and Alice looking sad for her family. And even though I felt lost, one look over my shoulder at the man bowed over his father's fresh grave reminded me why I was here. He was my reason to stay strong.

When Edward joined us at the hall, he was stopped by people every step he took. He didn't seem to know a lot of the people in attendance; there were maybe only a few he recognized as his father's friends that he hadn't seen since he was a kid. But everyone seemed to know who he was. And he went around shaking hands and accepting people's words of sympathy like a true gentleman.

I sat at a table with great aunt Charlotte and watched, smiling and greeting the few people I did recognize. Carlisle was busy socializing with his bother's old friends and co-workers and introducing his family to those who hadn't met them. And I drank my coffee and watched as strangers sought out familiar faces and ate tiny sandwiches and laughed, and for a moment they forgot their sorrow and forgot why there were here.

When I noticed Edward was cornered by a few of his father's old colleagues, I finally excused myself from Aunt Charlotte and went to go rescue him. Even from across the room I could tell he was there but not really _there_, and I had a pretty good hunch on why he'd checked out of that particular conversation. Edward's gaze met mine as I neared the group and I watched as his expression morphed into relief. He smiled tightly and held out his hand as I approached, pulling me into the four-man circle. I smiled first at Edward, then at the three men surrounding him.

"Hi," I said brightly, then quickly turned to Edward, "Esme demanded that I come personally escort you to the buffet. She said you hadn't had a bite to eat all day. Nobody's eating the egg-salad, and I promised her you'd take care of it." I was pulling it out of my ass, obviously, but the three men around me nodded as if egg-salad were as good as any reason to be interrupting their conversation.

"Uh…" Edward looked at me kind of funny, because he _hated_ egg-salad. And he knew that I knew he hated egg-salad. I bit back a smile as he nodded shortly. "Right. Well, to the buffet, then." He turned to the three men in suits and waved awkwardly. "It was nice seeing you all again. Thanks for coming."

"It was a pleasure seeing you again, Edward," the man to my left answered, "You've become a fine young man. Your father would be so proud."

"Uh, yeah, thanks," Edward said, giving them a final wave. As we walked away he lowered his voice, his mouth right by my ear as he muttered, "Yeah, and even more proud if I was a fucking ambulance chaser like you."

"That bad?" I giggled.

"Worse." He paused and looked down at me, his eyes wide like he was still slightly dazed by the conversation. "I'll never understand how my father managed to befriend the most boring, judgmental, pompous asses on the planet. Actually…" his expression lightened, "Never mind. I guess he was one of those boring, judgmental, pompous asses."

"Edward!" I scolded, but couldn't help the small laugh that escaped my lips.

"What?" he shrugged. "He was."

I rolled my eyes. "You couldn't at least wait until they've filled in his grave, could you?"

"Naw, this way he can hear me better."

"Jesus. You're terrible."

He just laughed and pulled me into his side. "Thanks for saving me," he said, lightly pressing his lips to the top of my head.

I tried to ignore the way his touch sent a shiver all the way from my head to the tips of my toes. "Don't worry about it. Besides, I think I owed you one."

"Is that so?" he murmured.

"Yeah. If I recall correctly, you were the one who saved me from the greasy clutches of one Michael Newton."

"Ugh. Newton," Edward groaned. "I'd almost forgotten about that. Actually, I can't believe _you_ remember that night."

"Neither can I," I agreed. "I was pretty wasted, huh?"

"That's… putting it lightly," Edward nodded, chuckling. "But, I mean, it was understandable. You were celebrating."

"Yeah… unfortunately, you can find a reason to celebrate every night if you want to badly enough."

"Is that why you quit drinking?" Edward asked as we weaved around a few empty tables. His arm was still snaked firmly around my waist as we dodged a few stray chairs.

I shrugged. "I guess. I mean, it's not even like I really made a conscious decision to quit. After I gave up smoking, I didn't really want to drink so I guess I just… quit. One day I realized that I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in a month, and then that month became two, then five… And getting drunk just didn't seem appealing to me anymore. I guess I was lucky. It was never really a huge deal."

"That is pretty lucky," he agreed.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I mean, sometimes I do want a drink in the _worst w_ay. But I think now I'm scared that if I do start… then I won't be able to stop. So I think it's just better this way."

"Bella," Edward said softly, pulling us to a stop. "I just want you to know that whatever I may have said in the past about your drinking… well… I never really meant it. Your drinking was never really that bad. I think I just wanted to bring you down to my level," he admitted quietly, his head ducked slightly. "I was ashamed of my addictions, and I just didn't want to be the only one. And that's terrible of me, and I truly am sorry."

"Yeah, well, you were right," I said firmly, and he looked back up at me in surprise. I shrugged. "It was getting bad. And I didn't want it to be yet another part of my life I couldn't control… so I got it under control. It's really not a big deal, Edward."

"You're sure?" he asked hesitantly.

"Positive," I nodded. "Now, if I recall correctly, there are some egg-salad sandwiches with your name on them."

"Oh, you are just the _worst_," he laughed, throwing his arm back over my shoulder as we approached the long buffet table, a hearty spread of mini-sandwiches and other snacks laid out across it.

"Oh, shut up and eat, Cullen," I said, grabbing a sandwich off the platter and shoving the entire thing in my mouth. I looked up at him, grinning.

"There is something seriously wrong with you," he said, laughing and shaking his head as he watched me.

I swallowed my mouthful. "Yeah. I feel like we've been over that."

He grinned as he grabbed a plate and began loading it up, "You know, I think we have." I watched him as I grabbed my own plate and grabbed a couple desserts. The smile was still on his face by the time he made it to the veggie platter.

I watched him smile, and yeah, I did that.

Slowly, people filled their bellies and emptied their glasses, and just like that it was all over. For most it was simply another day, another funeral. For others, it was a day they'd carry with them for a long time to come. And for a select few, well, it was a day they'd pretend had never happened and would do everything in their power to forget.

I just hoped that when Edward looked back on this day, he'd remember that he'd smiled. Even through the pain of loss he would remember that he'd smiled.

And yeah, I did that.

**x.x.x.**

It was late in the day by the time we made our way back to the house. Edward was on his cell the entire drive back. He was talking to his grandmother, who was approaching ninety and unable to make the trip down from Chicago for the funeral. I felt bad for him – the conversation was awkward and forced on Edward's end and judging by the way he kept rubbing his eyes and blinking furiously at the road, he was obviously exhausted as hell.

I had never met his grandmother. Edward had never been close with any of his family – much thanks to Edward Sr.'s insistence on moving across the country to isolate himself from his family. When Edward and I dated, I never heard his mother or father mention Carlisle and Esme a single time in our two-year history. Which was odd, considering that Edward had grown closer to Carlisle in the past few years than he'd been with his father in his entire life.

"Grandma, I'm fine. I promise you," Edward said for about the fifth time since he'd been on the phone. He blew out a long breath as she said something on the other end of the line. "No, I agree. It's not right that a mother outlives her son," he said, glancing over at me as he slowed for a light. I gave him a small smile when our eyes met, and he returned it and winked. And god, he was handsome.

"No. No… no, you're right. You're right, Grandma. Yep, I agree." I giggled quietly as he rolled his eyes. I probably should have been pretending that I wasn't eavesdropping in on his conversation, but… we were the only two in the vehicle and other than him speaking, it was silent. I didn't know if it was possible to _not _be eavesdropping.

"No, Alice is with Carlisle right now. That was Bella you heard." Hearing my name, I automatically glanced over at him. He paused, obviously listening to something his grandma was saying. "She was laughing because she knows I think she's beautiful when she laughs. She was just trying to cheer me up, Grandma." His eyes were on mine until the light turned green, and even after he began driving again, I couldn't look away.

Then I closed my eyes and collapsed back in the seat and shit, I was an idiot.

I wished he wouldn't say things like that. I wished he wouldn't look at me like that. I was leaving tomorrow. I was leaving tomorrow and he was making it really, really hard.

The past week really didn't make any sense to me. But I was tired of trying to make sense of everything. This wasn't about me and I wasn't going to turn it into something that was about me. I was here now and tomorrow I would be home. I had a life awaiting me back in Vancouver. A sad and pathetic life, yes, but I had a feeling that no matter what happened it wouldn't be that way for much longer. I was awake, finally, and some things were going to change. They had to.

I didn't know about him, but I wouldn't walk away anymore. I _couldn't_ walk away anymore. Because if he was going to say things like that to me and look at me like that and make me feel like this, then I couldn't walk away.

Not again.

**x.x.x**

Esme heated some lasagna when we got back to the house even though no one was really hungry. After everybody had picked away at as much food as they could, Edward and I did the dishes. And while he was elbow-deep in hot soapy water, Edward grilled me about my life in Vancouver.

I don't know if he was trying to make up for his being distracted all week or what, but this time he didn't seem afraid to know the answers of my new life. He was genuinely interested. So I told him about the condo and about the amazing location in the river valley and the towering spruce trees that enveloped our condo complex. I told him about how amazingly quiet out place was, and about the fantastic coffee shop down the road from us that was owned by a couple that lived downstairs in our building.

And I told him about my job and the people at the home. I told him about Elli who loved to play scrabble with me on Tuesdays but was a compulsive cheater. And Jonathan, who loved to have the same chapter from the same book read to him every morning. And Edith, who was trying to teach me how to knit. I told him about Walter, who loved to show me magic tricks. And the group of women who played cribbage every night after dinner and bickered constantly. And Wayne, who used to play in some country band and sat alone in the corner every evening and strummed away on his old guitar with shaking hands.

And as I talked, I couldn't help but wonder how they were all doing. If Sandy was still having trouble sleeping at night because of her arthritis pain; if Samuel and his wife had a good trip out to Nova Scotia where they were planning to spend the holidays with their daughter and her husband. If anything had changed. If everyone would still be there when I got home.

"Sounds like you really like it there, huh?" Edward said with a smile.

"Yeah…" I replied. "I do like it there. I mean, it's not all fun and games, but it's definitely the best part. A lot of the time it doesn't even feel like a job, you know?"

He nodded. "I hope they're faring well without you."

I shrugged, "There's a lot of great people there – I'm sure they won't even notice I'm gone."

"I doubt it," Edward said. "They miss you. Just like you miss them."

I smiled. Maybe he was right.

And talking about home did make me miss it. But it wasn't just my job I missed. I'd never, ever been away from Jasper for such a long period of time. I missed him. I missed my bed. But it also saddened me to know that this was the very last night I'd ever be spending in Edward's old bedroom. It was going to be hard to leave. Again.

But I'd deal with that when the time came.

After the dishes were cleaned, dried, and put away, Edward put on coffee and poured himself some scotch out of his father's liquor cabinet. And we joined Esme, Carlisle and Alice in the dining room and just sat around and talked. It was so nice to finally just sit and visit, just the five of us. The hectic week was finally coming a close and soon we'd all be on flights back home. First, it would be me tomorrow morning. Then Alice and Esme a few days later. Then, lastly, sometime after the New Year, Carlisle and Edward would board a plane bound for Seattle, saying good-bye to Jacksonville once and for all.

As we sat around talking, we somehow ended up swapping stories about Edward. And Esme was near tears as she recounted tales of his childhood, but one tale in particular had Edward outraged.

"Edward was… a quiet child," Esme explained to me, and it seemed she was choosing her words carefully as she looked over at her nephew. "He was an extremely cautious little boy. He took his time doing everything – like, he would never run with reckless abandon down the beach or anything. And it drove poor little Alice _crazy. _She was a very energetic child."

"Imagine that," I mumbled, and Alice grinned proudly.

Esme smiled, "She wanted someone to play with, not someone to sit on the beach and look at rocks with. So she was constantly bullying him."

Alice was giggling into her hands, looking over at her much taller, much bigger cousin as she laughed. "Yeah, you wimp," she said, and Edward glowered at her, clearly not entirely amused by the story.

"Edward, dear, I never told you about this," Esme said, placing her hand on his and trying to contain her laughter, "And I do hope you can forgive me. I did feel terribly about it later on, but you kids were just so hysterical I couldn't stop it."

"What happened?" Alice asked. It was obvious she'd never been told this particular tale before either. I leaned forward in my seat, engrossed in the scene playing out before me.

"Well… Edward, you were out visiting us in Forks. I believe it was one of the last trips you took to see us, and you were maybe seven and Alice was eight. And I was looking after you kids' for the day, so you I took you out to the lake – the one where we have the cabin now. We were down at the public beach, and Alice, you couldn't wait to get in the water. Of course, all Edward wanted to do was sit on the beach and build sandcastles. Alice was furious."

I looked over at Edward and he had his face in his hands, shaking his head back and forth in mortification. I laughed along with everyone else, beginning to see the direction in which this story was headed.

"We had this little rubber dinghy for Alice at the time, and she finally convinced you to go out on the water with her. Of course, you didn't want to get wet. So she promised you'd stay dry if you just rode around on the boat with her. She wanted to go 'exploring,'" she explained, looking over at her husband with a wide grin on her face. "And, well, Alice rowed the two of you out to the edge of the swimming area and flipped the little dinghy right over. I'm fairly certain they could hear your screams from Forks, Edward. I had _never_ heard a child wail like that, and I raised Alice."

I burst out laughing, looking over at Edward. He was staring at a spot on the table, shaking his head back and forth like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Tell Edward what you did, honey," Carlisle chuckled, squeezing his wife's hand. "Tell him how concerned and attentive you were to your poor, traumatized little nephew."

Esme tilted her head back as she laughed. "When Edward started crying, I just buried my nose in my book and pretended not to know either of you. You both could swim just fine, of course. You got over it eventually. And after that, you spent the rest of the day in the water with Alice and the two of you ended up having a blast."

"Oh my god! I remember that!" Alice cried, her face lighting up as the rest of us roared with laughter.

"I don't," Edward muttered, his face still buried in his hands. He raised his head to glare at his cousin, "And probably for good reason, too. You probably scarred me for life!"

"Oh, shut up. You're fine, mister big fancy boat owner and crazy back flipping wakeboarder," Alice shot back.

"Well from the sounds of it – I never had a choice! I was going to love the water whether I wanted to or not. I just can't believe you'd let her do that to me," Edward said, fighting back the contagious laughter as he looked over at his aunt. "And to think, all these years, I actually thought you were a decent person."

Esme's eyes sparkled as she smiled, "You could swim. You were just being a big baby. Somebody had to teach you a lesson."

"You are the worst aunt ever," Edward said, crossing his arms over his chest as he pretended to glare at her.

I raised an eyebrow as I turned to Edward "And this is coming from the guy who thinks it's okay to throw girls off a pier into the Atlantic Ocean."

A devilish grin took over Edward's features. "Yeah, but that was different."

"How so?"

"It was _hilarious_."

"Yeah… I have to disagree," I said.

"You did _what_ to her?" Alice asked incredulously, leaning forward in her chair and looking between Edward and I.

I cleared my throat, narrowing my eyes at Edward before I spoke, "Well, it seems that after Edward got over his aversion to water, he thought it was perfectly acceptable to throw his unsuspecting girlfriend over the end of a pier into the friggin' ocean just for shits and giggles."

"Oh, you were _fiiiine_," Edward grinned, leaning back in his chair and waving me off, "I was right behind you."

"Edward!" Esme chastised.

"She was fine! It's not like I threw her to the wolves and then just pretended not to know her! Because that's just sadistic," Edward laughed, widening his eyes at his auntie. "Besides, she went on to go skydiving and bungee jumping and risk her life in far more dangerous ways. It was all in fun."

"Yeah? Like how it was fun when Alice dumped you off the dinghy in waist-deep water and you screamed like a little girl?" I shot back.

"No. That was just cruel."

I cocked an eyebrow. "I can't wait to tell Emmett."

"You will not."

My grin grew wider.

"Bella! _Don't_ do it."

"Aw, why? Is little Eddie scared of a bully? Don't want the town to know you cry like a little baby?"

"I didn't—" he began to ground out, but we both stopped when we realized that the rest of the table was staring at us like we'd suddenly grown a second nose in the middle of our foreheads. He narrowed his eyes at me. "Never mind," he muttered, and took a swig of his drink. And I just sat back in my seat, laughing quietly. Alice leaned across the table and gave me a high-five.

And yeah, maybe I'd got him a little worked up, but I could guarantee you that one thing he wasn't thinking about right now was his father.

Sometimes it was nice to win.

**x.x.x**

We continued to laugh and talk as we emptied our glasses, but eventually everyone filed off to bed. Esme and Carlisle were first, followed shortly after by Alice and then suddenly, Edward and I were the only ones left. Alone.

I rose from the table and emptied the last bit of coffee from the pot into my mug. I added a teaspoon of sugar and stirred it slowly before heading back to the table. Edward was sitting forward in his chair, running his finger around the rim of his tumbler of scotch and staring into it like it was a goddamn crystal ball.

"You tired?" I asked, tilting my head to the side as I watched him. He looked up at me, blinking, like he'd forgotten I was there.

"Naw." He shook his head after a moment. "Just thinking."

"Oh yeah?" I asked.

"Yeah." His forehead was creased as he stared back down at his drink for a moment before letting out a long breath and slowly leaning back in his chair. He looked up at me with conflicted green eyes.

"I don't want my father's money," he said flatly.

"Oh." It wasn't what I had been expecting, but I tried to roll with it. "Why… why?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I just… don't want it. I probably sound like a rich brat, but I don't need his money. And there's nothing I want for myself that I would spend the money on… so I want to give it away."

"Like to charity?" I asked curiously.

He hesitated. "Not exactly."

"Then what?" I pressed, unsure of where he was going with this.

"That's… what I'm thinking about. I want Alice to quit working at The Whiskey and open a store in Seattle. I want her to put all of her energy into designing. And if she wanted to take some business classes or something like that, I'd pay for that too."

"Do you think she would?" I asked.

He nodded slowly. "I'm sure she'd fight me on it, at first. But I think she wants it too badly to say no. It is her dream, after all."

"That's great," I said earnestly. "But Edward… what about _your _dreams? Don't you want… I don't know, don't you want to be a doctor? To help people? To save lives?"

"That's not exactly what I want anymore, Bella," he said, his eyes meeting mine.

"Then what?"

He paused, rubbing his fingers along his jaw. "I want to help people… but I want to help people like us."

"People like us?" I repeated dumbly.

"People who struggle with addiction. People who lose their family. People who turn their backs and run because everything is just too fucking scary and hard for them to deal with. I don't want kids to have to go through what we have. I don't want them to have to lose everything because their scared. I don't want them to be fucked up the rest of their lives just because they couldn't handle reality."

And maybe his bluntness should have shaken me, but it didn't. "Do you really think that's true?" I asked quietly. "Do you really think we're fucked up for the rest of our lives?"

He raised his eyes. "You tell me."

I blew out a long breath and sat back in my chair. "You can't change it," I told him. "Bad things are always going to happen."

"That's not the point, Bella," he said, his voice growing with passion, "I don't want to change it. I want to help."

I was silent for a moment as I drank my coffee. I considered his words. When my parents died, I didn't want help. I wanted to be broken. I felt that because they were gone and I was still here, it was the least I deserved. I didn't know if someone like Edward could have helped me. At least, probably not right away. But in time, maybe, yeah. Maybe it would have been nice to have someone. Because no matter how hard you try, maybe some things just don't heal correctly without the right kind of help.

"Edward," I said, looking up and meeting his troubled eyes, "I think that's a great idea. A really, really great idea. And I think you'd be fantastic."

A slow smile spread over his face. "Thanks Bella," he said earnestly. ""It means a lot that you think so."

"How could I not?" I teased lightly. "Maybe if someone could have fixed me, well, things would probably be a little different."

He shrugged. "It's nice to think so, isn't it?"

"Yeah," I agreed, imagining an alternate universe where somewhere out there, we were together and happy and hell, maybe married with babies and having sex on the kitchen floor every night. "It is."

And I didn't want to dwell on it, but it would be nice to not be twenty-three have still have no idea what you're doing with your life. Mind you, we were doing better than some. Hell, maybe we were doing better that most.

I watched Edward who was back to staring down at his drink. He was swirling the liquid around in the glass, the ice clinking gently against the sides. I wanted to memorize it all in that moment - because I didn't know if we'd ever be back here again and that scared the shit out of me. So I wanted to be able to close my eyes and remember the crease between his eyebrows from whatever he was thinking about, the way his bottom lip was pushed out slightly, the hardness of his jaw because of the way his teeth were clenched, the curl of his eyelashes, the light scruff dusting his chin, the way he made me feel... all of it. When he lifted his glass to take a sip, he raised his eyes and met mine. I smiled gently, not sure why I wasn't even embarrassed to be caught staring. My voice was soft when I broke the silence.

"So how have you really been these past few months, Edward?" I asked, resting my chin in my hand and tilting my head to the side as I watched him. "I mean, how have you _really_ been?"

He stiffened, his attention suddenly back on his drink. "Fine," he choked out, his voice hoarse.

I nodded slowly, my eyes not leaving his. "That's good."

There was silence between us for a moment, but he interrupted it when he laughed quietly to himself and shook his head. "Why are you playing along?" he asked curiously.

"I'm not. You told me pretty much everything I needed to know with one word. Even if it obviously was a blatant lie."

"Oh yeah?" he challenged.

"Yeah. You haven't been fine. You're not fine. But you will be."

"Oh? And how do you figure that?" he asked, but when I opened my mouth to reply he cut me off, "And I swear to god if you say _faith_ I will drag you down to the pier and throw you off right here and now."

I grinned. "_No_, I wasn't going to say faith. _I wasn't_," I insisted, laughing at his doubtful expression. "It's just, it's like I told Alice on Christmas morning: you're stronger than you think, Edward."

"Let me guess, I just have to _believe_?"

I rolled my eyes and held up my hands in surrender, "Hey. You were the one who asked."

"Yeah, yeah. So I'm curious – how did that happen, by the way?"

"How did what happen?"

"You and Alice. And here."

"Alice came to my place. Told me the news. And… next thing I knew, I was on a plane."

"Yeah, but _why _did she come get you?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. She's your cousin, Cullen. Why don't you ask her? I guess maybe she just figured I'd want to be here."

"Yeah…" he said, his expression still slightly suspicious. "I guess."

"Hey," I laughed. "I'm not hiding anything from you, I swear. I'm open-book Bella now. I woke up, there were voices, there was Alice, there was bad news, and there was a plane. Oh, and there was a bottle of whiskey, but not for me. And that's it. That's all."

"Okay, okay," he relented. "I believe you."

"Thank you," I grinned, taking a sip of my cooling coffee. Shit, I was never going to sleep with all the caffeine I'd consumed in the last twelve hours. I was surprised I hadn't started bouncing from the ceiling yet.

"So…" Edward began, his voice slightly hesitant. "Do you have plans for New Years Eve, open-book Bella?"

I scrunched up my nose. "When's New Years Eve?"

"Uh… tomorrow?" he seemed to question himself and pulled his phone from his pocket to double check. "Yeah, tomorrow."

I laughed loudly. "Tomorrow? Oh, yeah. I've got big, big plans." Edward looked slightly crestfallen until I began to elaborate, "I'm pretty sure it's scrabble night with Elli. And maybe later on, Wayne and I will jam a bit. Then I'll probably sit up with the few residents who aren't on sleeping pills and watch some balls drop. It should be a pretty dece night, overall."

Edward laughed, loud and free. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand as he shook his head at me, "I still think there's something wrong with you."

"Oh, I know there is," I said confidently. "Maybe in a few years, you'll be able to confirm that for us, Dr. Cullen."

"Trust me, you'll be my first patient," he promised.

"I look forward to it."

He grinned, his gaze meeting mine. With the corner of his mouth still lifted into a smile, he spoke, "You've changed, Bella." His voice was thoughtful.

"Have I? How?"

"Well, for one, you haven't yelled at me one single time since you got here." I rolled my eyes, but he continued, "No, you… I don't know. You've stopped drinking, smoking, you play scrabble, you hardly ever swear—"

"Yeah, I know. I'm a real riot these days. All the kids want me at their parties."

He grinned. "You haven't joined a convent, have you?"

"Nope, I just enjoy all the perks of nunnery without actually having to sell my soul to Jesus," I said dryly.

He raised an eyebrow. "_All_ the perks?"

"Well, maybe perks is too strong a word. But yes. You may call me Sister Isabella if you please."

He looked up at my from under his lashes. "So then I take it Sister Isabella Swan has no handsome leading man starring in the story of her life at the moment?"

I pursed my lips as I pretended to think about it. "Aside all the men hanging off my arm at the retirement home, you mean?"

"Well, obviously."

"Then nope. Just me, Jasper, and the adorable seventeen-year old barista that works at the coffee shop just down from our place. Poor guy, always asking for my name and never my number."

"Poor little fella."

"He has a stutter. And if you listen close enough, I swear it sounds like he calls me baby Bella." I pretended to swoon.

"What a little charmer. I'm a big fan of your cheese, by the way."

"It's Babybel, Edward. _Honestly_." I laughed, enjoying the fact that I was _laughing_ about this with Edward. He chuckled, a sparkle in his eye when he looked up and met my gaze.

"I haven't laughed this much in a long time," he admitted.

I shook my head, my eyes still on his. "Me neither."

He opened his mouth as if he was about to say more, but he closed it again, his gaze drifting down to the empty glass sitting on the table before him.

The words left my mouth so fast I didn't even have a chance to consider them, "I'm sorry I never called you."

He looked up at me, surprised.

I drew in a deep breath and then I just… threw myself over the edge, "I just… I feel like we handled everything in the absolute worst way possible. Actually, I know we did." I laughed bitterly. "And I should have called. I should have at least told you where I was. We should have talked, because maybe, hell, maybe we could have tried to work on things. Instead I fucking ran, and I'm sorry Edward. I'm so sorry. I just never even thought you might want to hear from me. I was too wrapped up in my own goddamn pain to even _think. _I don't know. Maybe I thought you were better off without me. Maybe I thought you were fine with me leaving and you got exactly what you wanted. I never thought… I just never _thought_. And I'm sorry." And my eyes filled with tears but I couldn't cry because I was _sick _of crying and I was _sick _of feeling sorry for myself and I was _sick_ of assuming things about a man that I really didn't know at all.

"I was selfish," I told him, running my fingers through my hair. My voice was borderline hysterical. "I thought I was the only one hurting. I thought you got what you wanted. But I can see now that all we are doing is destroying ourselves. We've got to stop doing this. We've got to figure out a way to make this okay.

"I don't know what I thought would happen when I came down here, but nothing between us ever works out the way I expect it to. Nothing. But I'm okay with that. And maybe we never fought hard enough for this; maybe we never fought hard enough for _us. _Maybe we weren't ready to, and I think that's okay too. We both gave up way too fucking easy, but I'm not making that mistake again. Because maybe we never really knew just how fucking badly we needed each other."

And because I was already falling, I took the jump. I leaned across the table, my eyes on his as I spoke, "I'm leaving tomorrow and it scares the shit out of me because you know what? I don't _want _to leave. I don't want to go without you. And this time I'm not leaving without fighting for us – without saying this. I need you. And I'm not running anymore, Edward. I'm not going anywhere. I came here, and that _means_ something. And now, I'll wait. Because I have no where else to go, not without you."

I rose from my chair, feeling empowered. I felt like I could crumble to pieces with slightest wrong move. I had never been more certain. I knew nothing. But it was out there. And now the metaphorical ball was in his court.

Your move, Cullen.

I backed away from the table, my eyes not leaving his. He was staring after me, his face much like the expression he wore when I first saw him at the hospital. Confused. Lost. Somewhere between sleep and awake.

"Goodnight, Edward," I said softly. And then I was gone. I gave him the space I knew he would need so he could think and digest everything that I'd just said. I was up the stairs and in his bed, under his blankets, and for once, I wasn't scared.

**x.x.x**

That night, he came to me in my dream. He was kneeling beside the bed in the dark, the back of his hand trailing down my cheek and he wasn't speaking. He was just watching me, his eyes on fire, his expression torn. His fingers ran slowly down my skin, his feather soft touch rousing me from my sleep.

Except this time, it wasn't a dream.

"Edward?" I asked sleepily, lifting my head from the pillow as I squinted at him in the dark. "What are you doing here?"

His hand paused its movements. His gaze found mine and shook me to the core.

"I need you, Bella," he said. And the sound of his voice made me lose my breath. The look in his eyes made me weak. He was a broken boy who'd just lost his father. He was a man who was losing faith. He was in pain. He was lost. And we only knew one way back.

His voice cracked as he looked down at me, his face crumbled and hopeless. "_Please_. I need you."

I couldn't say no. He was my weakness. He would _always _be my weakness.

If tomorrow I awoke without a single memory from my life, I would still love him. If I did not even know my own name, I would know the moment I laid eyes on him that _he_ was more a part of me than I was. I would know that my name did not matter – that he loved me, and that was all I needed. Even if I knew nothing of him, I'd still do anything for him.

And because I'd do anything for him, I gave him the only thing I had to offer – I gave him myself. I gave him my heart. And I didn't say no.

I grabbed him and pulled him on to the bed. And in the black of night, the warmth of his body covered mine. We shed the layers between us slowly – shirts, socks, pants, and underwear falling to the floor one by one until the desperation and the hunger were the only things left between us.

His green eyes were dazed and heavy when he pulled his lips away from mine. "I love you," he said, his hand brushing my hair off my forehead as he stared down at me. And he was so beautiful when he was free. He lowered his face to mine until all I could see in his eyes were my own. "And I miss you so much."

I blinked back the tears because I didn't want to lose this. I couldn't stand to wash it away. I opened my mouth but I couldn't find my voice. With shaking hands I moved and cupped his face in my palms. Parting my lips, I pulled him down to me. And he kissed me so hard my body burst into flames and I was reborn from the ashes, right there on his bed.

"More," I groaned against his lips, once I finally found my words, "I love you. More."

It was then he gave me the only thing he could offer.

He loved me more.

**x.x.x**

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**Reviews are love. **

**From the looks of things, we have another 3 or so chapters to go (including the epi.) But also, that could change. Apparently I suck at counting. **

**Thank you so much for reading.**

**xx  
**


	28. It Has to End to Begin

_Chapter 28: It Has to End to Begin  
_

**You will wait for me my love  
Now I am strong  
You gave me all  
You gave all you had and now I am home.  
My love, leave yourself behind  
Beat inside me, I'll be with you. **

_**Sia – My Love**_

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

The next morning, I woke up to my alarm. I wanted to wake up to Edward's body pressed against mine, to his voice in my ear, but instead I was alone and the alarm was screaming at me from the nightstand and already I didn't want to go.

But I had a flight and a suitcase and a job and a life that I had to get back to. For once in my life I had somewhere to be. People that needed me. So I pulled the sheet around my body and rolled out of bed. Edward's clothes were in a pile with mine on the floor and last night was real. I bit my lip as I smiled down at the clothes.

It was real.

"And what are _you _so happy about this morning?" I looked up to see Edward waltzing in the door with nothing but a towel around his waist. And maybe if the man walking through that door was a little scrawnier and a little cockier, we could have been sixteen again.

"It's nothing, really," I said, trying to fight the smile on my lips. "I just had the _strangest _dream last night."

"Oh yeah?" he asked, grabbing his boxers from the floor and pretending to be uninterested. He glanced at me over his shoulder, his eyebrows raised. "Giant penis's again?"

"Actually, no," I grinned. "Quite the opposite, actually."

His eyes widened and he clutched his chest in mock offense, dropping his towel to pull on his boxers. "You really know how to kill a guys confidence, Swan."

I blinked at him innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about. I was dreaming about miniature vaginas. What else could I have possibly meant?"

"_Funny_," he said dryly.

"I thought so." I slid from the bed, grinning as I bent over my suitcase and pulled out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. As I stood he came up from behind me and wrapped his arms around me. He pulled me back into his bare chest and I tipped my head back, leaning against his shoulder as I let out a soft sigh. There were no words. Simply he and I, two people changed irrevocably, back in a place where it all began. In boxers and a bed sheet. And I never thought I'd be here again.

"It's too bad your flight's so early," he murmured softly, his lips grazing against my bare shoulder. "We could have gone for ice-cream before you had to leave."

I rolled my eyes as I turned in his arms so we were face-to-face. I raised an eyebrow suggestively. "I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that later."

"Whoa, get your head out of the gutter, Swan," he said, holding up his hands and grinning as he took a step away from me. "I meant we should go see Amor. But now that you mention it..."

I shoved him half-heartedly as I moved to get to the bathroom. "Sorry, Cullen. I have a flight to catch, and somebody already kept me up half the night with their insistence for _ice-cream_."

"Hey, I didn't hear any protests."

I paused at the bathroom door with my hand on my hip, my tongue running over my lips as I faced him. "Oh those were definitely _not_ protests," I said coyly.

"That's what I thought." He shook out his wet hair, pelting me with water droplets. I stifled a shriek, not wanting to announce to everyone in the house that Edward and I had obviously spent an eventful night together in his old bedroom. I gave him the finger as I slipped into the bathroom and dropped my clean clothes on the tile floor. He stopped the door just as I was about to close it and he stuck his head through the crack, nudging it open farther with his hip.

"Hey, Bella?" he said, his expression suddenly serious. His head was ducked down so his gaze was level with mine.

"Huh?"

The corners of his mouth lifted up into a smile. "I love you."

I felt his words in every part of my soul. It was old but it was so, so new. And I smiled and it was real and it was huge. "I love you too, Edward."

**x.x.x**

Edward went downstairs while I showered. I dried off and got dressed quickly, throwing my damp hair up in a bun at the top of my head and stuffing the rest of my belongings in my bag. I swung the bag over my shoulder as I exited the room, hardly casting a glance behind me to insure I hadn't forgotten anything. I stood at the top of the staircase in the midst of an almost silent house. It was early, too early for the rest to be up. I could hear Edward making a bit of noise down in the kitchen and I wanted to do nothing but rush down there to join him, but I found myself hesitating slightly as I began to descend the stairs. My feet seemed heavy, like they knew every step they took was one step closer to leaving. It would be one less step I'd take with Edward, here, together.

But the second he appeared at the bottom of the stairs and his reassuring smile caught my eye I knew there was nothing to fear. And I knew, without any words, that he was trying to tell me it was okay. Maybe it would be the last steps I'd be taking here, but it wouldn't be that last steps we'd be taking _together_. And that, well… _that_ was more than okay.

"Hey," he said as we met at the bottom of the stairs.

"Hey," I replied, and I was sure the smile on my face matched his when he leaned down and kissed me. When he pulled away I let out a long, happy sigh.

Yep, still more than okay.

"So, you all ready?" he asked.

"Yeah." I set my bag down on the floor as my gaze wandered slowly around the room, trying to absorb everything about this house before I had to leave it for the last time. "I know it's crazy, but I'm actually going to miss this place," I told him.

"Me too," he agreed, much to my surprise. "It's something you don't think about as kids – you know? You just assume this place is always going to be here, that you'll always have 'mom and dad's house' to come back to. It'll be weird when it's gone."

I turned back to him, watching him carefully as I spoke, "Are you sure it's what you want, though? You could always keep the house. I mean, that's what your father wanted—"

He shook his head, quickly cutting me off. "No. My life's not here anymore. Some things… you just have to let go of."

I shrugged and then continued looking around. I could feel his gaze on me, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why… you don't think I should keep it, do you? I mean, do you _want_ to stay here Bella?"

My first reaction was to laugh hysterically. But… I didn't. I watched Edward cautiously for any signs that he had been kidding. I found none. I floundered for an appropriate response, the enormity of what he was asking not escaping me. Suddenly, with those simple words, a life in Florida with Edward by my side didn't seem too out of reach.

I wondered if he was thinking the same thing as he watched me. Maybe he was trying to decide whether or not he was serious. Maybe I was trying to decide the exact same thing. And I don't know exactly what it was that made up my mind, but I finally felt myself shaking my head.

"No," I said. "I like Forks. I think… it's where I want to live, eventually. I think I belong there. I think we both do."

He grinned and I couldn't help but notice the relief that washed over his face at those words. "If you're sure," he said, leaning in to kiss me.

"I am," I murmured, my eyes meeting his as our lips parted. And I was hardly sure about anything. And as the moment passed us by, I found myself laughing. "You really would have done it, wouldn't you? You'd keep the house and live here if that's what I wanted."

"Of course," he said earnestly. "I would never make my father's mistakes."

I laughed again as I wrapped my arms around his neck. "And neither would I," I said, pressing my lips to his cheek.

He tilted his head and kissed me once, hard. "And that's why I love you."

I just smiled at his words as everything I ever wanted hung in the still air between us.

"So this had been, like, the weirdest Christmas ever, right?" I asked, my lips still brushing his as I spoke.

"I've had worse," he said, his eyes downcast. I felt him stiffen in my hold, and I knew his thoughts had shifted back in time, alone in his apartment, higher than the damn Space Needle, living off god-knows what. This Christmas that very well could have been his last if not for a ringing phone and a knock on his door that would turn his scary little world right-side up. I tightened my hold around him, holding him there, my body absorbing the sudden weight of his own. And he hugged me back harder before relaxing his hold and leaning back on his heels.

"So, look," he said, his voice suddenly hesitant. "Don't be mad. But I kind of got you something."

"You _got me_ something?" I repeated, raising an eyebrow and watching him skeptically.

"For Christmas," he elaborated. I grew even more disbelieving and when he noticed, he laughed. "Okay, maybe I came across it the other day, but I was thinking it would make a nice belated Christmas present."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." He smiled and began digging through his pocket as his spoke. "I know you don't really wear jewelry, but I was hoping you'd wear this." He drug his fingers from his pocket and held out his hands, slowly uncurling his fingers as something dropped from his palm and swung between us. It was a chain, a thin golden chain, and slipped through the chain was a small golden locket. He held it closer from me to inspect.

"I found it the other day when I was going through some things. It made me think of you. My mother got it when she was just a little girl, and I think I can speak for both of us when I say I want for you to have it."

I stared. I wasn't sure if I was about to cry or beat him to a pulp for offering me such an invaluable gift. But when I looked up into his face, and oh _god_, the look on his face… I couldn't say no. I couldn't say anything really. But I felt my face break out into a sad smile as I reached out and let the locket lay in the palm of my hand.

"Edward…" I said, choking back a sudden onslaught of emotion. "It's beautiful. But are you sure… you want to give this away? It must mean so much to you."

"Bella, what am I going to do with it? Wear it?" he smiled lightly, motioning for me to turn around. I complied hesitantly and he slipped the chain around my neck. He leaned in as he fumbled with the clasp, his lips right by my ear. "And _you _mean so much to me. So please, just tell me you'll wear it."

"Of course I will," I said, blowing out a soft breath. My fingers sought out the oval locket that lay against the base of my throat. Edward continued to fumble with the clasp and he swore under his breath as he dropped the chain against the back of my neck.

"Um…" he said, clearing his throat as I giggled. "I can't…" He gestured to the chain and I laughed again, taking both ends in my fingers and I turned and made quick work of the clasp as I secured the two ends together. He rubbed his neck awkwardly as he watched me, a look of complete bewilderment on his face. Then he just shook his head, like there were just some questions better left unasked. I shrugged as I held back my laughter. Women had to remain mysterious to men _somehow_.

"Anyway…" he said, clearing his throat again. "I got something inscribed inside for you. I thought you would like it… I don't know. Maybe look at it when you get on the plane or something."

I was blinking hard as I looked up at him, smiling. And when he noticed my expression his eyes seemed to glaze over a bit too.

"My mom would love to see the look on your face right now," he told me, officially making it nearly impossible to hold myself together.

"Thank you, Edward," I breathed.

"No, thank _you_." He leaned in, kissing me softly. And then, before either of us decided to get all weepy, he subtly changed the subject, "Now, are you hungry? I make you some breakfast."

I lit up. "You cooked?" I asked in awe.

"Um, no." He laughed and stepped to the side, gesturing to two bagels sitting on the counter behind him. "The toaster did most of the work."

I grinned, playing absentmindedly with the locket around my neck. "Ah, give yourself a little credit. Spreading cream cheese properly can be extremely difficult. Getting just the right amount in just the right places," I teased, my eyebrows raised. "And look! You managed to hunt down some strawberry – my favorite. Bravo, Edward. Bra-vo."

"Oh shut up," he laughed, nudging me with his hip as he pulled out a chair for me to take a seat at the island. "Smartass."

I giggled and then proceeded to make a big show of _mmm-ing_ and _ahh-ing _as I ate my breakfast. I was only trying to be funny. Apparently, my humor affected Edward in ways I hadn't expected. Or maybe it was all the moaning as I licked pink cream cheese off my fingers. Regardless, before we'd finished eating he had me pinned up against the tall counter and we were licking the remnants of cream cheese from the corners of each other's mouths. And I was moaning against his lips and this time it had nothing to do with strawberry-favored spread or toasted bagels.

"You know we're just making it harder on ourselves," I gasped when he mouth moved to my neck. My head was tilted back, my chest heaving, and Jesus fucking Christ, I was going to go home with a hickey.

He laughed at my unintentional innuendo and then so did I. "You know what mean," I giggled, my fingers tangling in his hair.

"I don't think it could be any harder," he spoke against my skin, a smile on his lips.

"_Edwaaaard_," I groaned, my head rolling to the side. We were going to be late. If I had it my way we would be very, very late. Hell, maybe I'd miss that plane all together. Worse things have happened around here.

**x.x.x**

We weren't late. Actually, we left for the airport earlier than scheduled. Halfway through eating our breakfast-slash-devouring each other against the kitchen counter I worked up the courage to ask if we had time to make a quick pit stop before he dropped me off at the airport.

And _somehow_ the little jerkoff knew exactly where I wanted to go.

Maybe it was my nerves that gave me away. Or maybe he'd been expecting it all along. But it didn't stop me from shooting him strange looks when he placed a sloppy kiss on my cheek, shoved the rest of his bagel in his mouth, grabbed one of the dozens of bouquets of flowers currently cluttering his counters, threw my bag over his shoulder, and headed out the door.

"Edward!" I called, still adjusting my shirt as I came half-laughing half-stumbling out the door behind him. He already stood at the passenger side of his rental, the door wide open for me.

"Come on," he said, nodding towards my seat. "We're going to be late."

"What. Wha – _how._..?" I sputtered, still watching him strangely as I dropped into the seat.

"Lucky hunch," he grinned. He waited for me to pull my legs out of the way so he could close the door, shrugging nonchalantly when I began shaking my head at him. I was still shaking my head when he made his way around to the driver's side and started the engine.

"I think you're just anxious to get rid of me, Cullen," I said when I was finally able to look at him with anything but disbelief.

"What? No," he said, looking truly offended. "I just… didn't know how much time you'd want to spend there."

"Well… thanks," I smiled, settling back into my seat. Then I looked over at him, narrowing my eyes she he stepped hard on the gas and we went racing down the quiet street. "Seriously, though. How did you know where I wanted to go?"

"I told you – lucky hunch." He shrugged as he reached for his cigarette pack.

"Oh yeah? And if you're wrong?" I challenged.

He glanced over at me, grinning. "Don't worry. I'm not."

And he wasn't

**Edward. **

We really only made small talk as we raced down the freeway. The roads were fairly deserted; it was still too early to hit the morning rush hour. The city felt empty, unchanged by our presence. The city didn't care whether we stayed or left. I kept the window rolled down even after I put my cigarette out. The air here was heavy. I could feel it on my skin, weighing me down. I wished it were enough weight to stop her. But even if I could hold her here, what would I do? She had to go. She had to fly.

She had to fly high, free bird.

She was leaving and for the very first time in my life I had time to prepare for that. Maybe not much time, because up until yesterday morning the prospect of her heading back north hadn't even crossed my mind. I don't know what I was thinking – I guess I _hadn't_ been thinking – I was too busy savoring her presence to even entertain the notion that soon she would be gone. Maybe we hadn't had a lot of time alone in the past week but even just the smiles across the table and the simple hugs when I needed them the most meant the world to me. But I had twenty-four hours to gear myself up to say good-bye. And just because I was trying to be mature about all of this didn't meant I had to like it.

And really, the only thing I wanted was just a little more time. And we could have it, if we really wanted it. I was sure she could push her flight back a few days, but deep down I knew that for those extra few days she would stay, I would be busy as hell. I had a house to sell and belongings to go through and a life and a business that I had to get back to in Forks. I told myself we were doing the responsible thing. I just hated how wrong it felt.

And maybe it was kind of poetic how we'd be saying our last real good-bye on the last day of the year. The future was so uncertain, but I already knew the only thing I needed: she loved me. She needed me. And someway, somehow we were going to make this work.

I was used to missing her. And hell, maybe I was better at missing her than I was at being in a relationship with her. But I didn't want to have to miss her anymore. And last night hadn't changed anything – I still felt the same way about her as I did a month ago, and I still felt the same way about her as I did seven years ago. I loved her. And there would never be a day in my life when I didn't love her.

And she was right – we'd messed up so much in the past. We had been too busy fighting each other to even consider that we were going to have to fight for _us_. Maybe it was because we both grew up with our lives handed to us. Or maybe it was because we both truly bought into the whole 'meant to be' bullshit and never saw a reason to push against it. Never saw a reason to try and change it. We accepted our fate without blinking an eye. But it wasn't chance that brought us together. It was _choice. _And I was done with making all the wrong ones.

Maybe a few very lucky twists of fate had reunited us, but we were going to have to work to keep it together. And I didn't care what it took. I was ready.

I was ready to give her everything. And maybe that's all we needed from the very beginning.

And as I looked over at her sitting next to me in the passenger seat, all smiles and brave, I knew that no person would ever walk this earth more perfect for me than her.

She had come here for me. But this, right now, was for her. And I would hold her like I would have the first time she came to this place. I would hold her like I was making up for lost time and all the mistakes of the past. I would hold her like I never wanted to let her go again.

And I wouldn't.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

The car rolled to a slow stop, the tires crunching on the gravel. I drew in a deep breath as I looked around. I hadn't purposely been ignoring where we were. Just… distracted. Composing myself. Truthfully, I was aching to see them. I had been well prepared to never come back here again. But as soon as the notion passed through my mind, I realized I couldn't be this close without saying hello. And I couldn't get on that plane without saying good-bye.

After he put the car in park, Edward twisted around to grab something from the backseat. When he turned back around he placed the flowers he'd grabbed from the house onto my lap.

"I didn't know if you wanted to have something…" his voice trailed off and I could feel his gaze searching my face.

"Thank you," I breathed, my fingers wrapping around the stems of the flowers. I blew out a soft breath and looked over at him, and I let myself get lost in his eyes, if only for a moment. Then I leaned over and stole a quick kiss, and he kissed me back, so soft, so gentle. "Thank you," I repeated as I pulled away and my hand found the door handle.

As my feet travelled across the gravel and then the green grass I could feel him behind me, every step of the way. And didn't even realize I'd remembered my way to them until I had stopped moving and suddenly I was there. When I found the courage to look up and struggled to read the names chiseled into the smooth stone, I realized I was crying. And as soon as I became aware of the tears, I couldn't stop. It seemed that sobs that had been building for five and a half years began wracking my body, and before I knew it I was on my knees in the grass and the flowers were on the ground on one side of me and Edward was on his knees on the other.

I cried for them like I had never cried before.

Maybe it was because I never thought I'd be back here. Because even after I jumped on that plane, after I stood across from Edward in the cemetery while he buried his father, even after I let go of my fears and let him in, I never saw myself here. I didn't want to come back here because there were _no _good memories about this place.

Except for the memory of the two people who lay buried beneath the ground I knelt on. So I let myself get lost in that. The memories that brought me here. The moments that made me the person I had become. The music festivals at the park. The stepfather who had fit into our lives like he'd belonged there all along. The mother who opened her house to an abandoned son. Swimming pools and sunburns. Dinners at seven and baseball games and burnt lasagna with double the cheese. _I love you_'s and a guitar and iced tea on the hottest summer days. The look in a mother's eye when a little girl asked about her dad. Books for Christmas and learning how to cook and forts in the living room and the insistence that _everybody_ should learn how to drive a stick. Moving and redecorating and then redecorating again. Birthdays and pizza nights and sleeping in and board games. Growing up and a mother who soothed a broken heart with pounds of milk chocolate and the promise that everything works out in the end.

And as I knelt at their graves I found myself wanting to share every moment of the past five years with the two of them. I wanted them to witness everything that I had seen, and wanted them to know what I had been doing and where I was going and I wanted them to know every single thing that I had felt.

But instead, I told them the only thing that really mattered. "_I'm okay_," I said, my voice downing in tears. "_I'm okay._" I'd loved and I'd lost and I'd fallen countless times. I'd travelled and I'd laughed and I'd _laughed _and I'd lived and I'd seen things I never thought I would. But most of all, I was here and I was okay.

And I fell into the arms wrapped around my shoulders and let him hold me. Together, we huddled on the ground in the calm morning light. All the things I wanted to tell them escaped me. But maybe, just maybe, if they were watching, they'd know. They'd see the way he crushed me against him, the way he silently begged me to share the burden, they way he looked like his heart was aching simply because he saw mine was. If they could see this, they'd know.

I was loved.

And I was lucky.

Before we left we decorated their graves with the flowers. And as I turned to leave, I paused and I pressed my fingers to my lips, waving a sad good-bye to my parents. And my parting vow was a whisper but it was everything.

"_I'll be back_."

**x.x.x**

Silence.

It's the one thing worse than screaming.

Silence says too much. Silence gives you away. And it was silent in the car and it was silent as we parked and it was silent as I checked my bag for my flight.

Silence.

It can drive a girl mad.

And I mean, no, it wasn't completely silent. There was small talk. There was a small discussion on how much the Jacksonville radio stations had changed. There was the pointing out of a small restaurant that we used to love to go to that was now torn down and replaced by a shiny new car dealership. There was a small moment of panic when I thought I'd lost my passport but really… it was all just noise.

And silence.

And now, we were standing at security and my bag had been whisked away by some conveyer belt that disappeared through a mysterious tunnel and promised to meet me when I landed.

I checked the time. I looked up at Edward, who was watching me with this strange intensity in his eyes that made me want to just grab him and throw him down, right here.

"Um…" I began, looking around. "It looks like my flight is on time. But we've got a little time. Want to get some coffee?" I offered, and then laughed awkwardly because I was certain I'd consumed my weight in coffee the past week.

"Do you want some coffee?" he asked, looking amused.

"No, not really."

"Hungry?"

"I'm good."

He chuckled. "Then… what do you want?"

I frowned as I looked around me, as if the answer was hidden somewhere in JAX. It wasn't until my gaze found his again that I realized what I was looking for was standing right in front of me.

"I want to stay here."

"Here? In Jacksonville?" He looked surprised.

"No. Like… _here_. In this moment. Edward," I let out a long, deep breath, "I don't want to get on that plane and lose this. I don't want to lose this. Not again."

He smiled, taking a step towards me and cupping my cheek in his palm. "Bella," he said softly, as he brushed a piece of hair behind my ear, "I am sick and fucking tired of losing people I love. And… and I don't care what it takes – I'm not going to lose you again. I promise."

"Yeah?" I asked, my voice rising in hope.

"Yeah."

I smiled as his fingers wound themselves in my hair.

"I know where to find you now, Bella. There's no hiding from me now."

"I wouldn't dream of it," I vowed.

"But let's do this the right way."

"Is there a right way?" I almost laughed.

He shrugged. "Maybe not. But let's get to know each other again."

"Okay," I agreed. "My favorite color right now is green. My toothbrush is blue. I haven't had a cigarette in five months. I don't know what my favorite song is right now, but I'm sure I'll have a new one by tomorrow. Every song I love reminds me of you. I didn't hate Jacksonville, but that's probably only because you were here. I came here for you. Most of my socks are white but I don't know why I buy white socks because they always get so dirty. I don't own a pair of mittens, but I really need to buy some. I hope that Jasper got me mittens for Christmas. I never got to open my Christmas presents. I don't like to wear shoes. I never had braces on my teeth. I adore this locket and it's killing me not to look and see what's inscribed inside. I love having my own closet, but I'll share. And I love you." By the time I finished, I was breathless.

He laughed, his smile wide, the corners of his eyes crinkled up at the edges. He was smiling with his entire face; he was smiling with his entire body. "I love you too," he said softly, and he leaned down and kissed me.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and he nudged my bag off my hip, pulling our bodies flush against each other as the kiss deepened. We probably kissed for too long, considering we were in public. But we were at the airport gate and I was pretty sure that's standard. And also, I didn't give a fuck. Because I was kissing Edward fucking Cullen.

When we finally broke apart, we were both flushed and gasping for air. I looked up at him slowly as I tried to collect myself. He smiled down at me, his thumb grazing ever so softly over my bottom lip. And I couldn't believe I was about to get on a plane and go home like _everything_ had happened.

I tried to remember a time when good-byes were the only thing I'd been really good at. When leaving people behind had become as natural to me as breathing. But I couldn't remember it, not with him here and a plane waiting to take me away.

He spoke softly, "I'm selling my father's house. I'm selling the house and I'm coming home. Where will you be?"

"I'll be waiting," I said simply.

"Go back to your job. Go back to your life, Bella."

"But _you_ are my life."

He smiled as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. His fingers trailed down my hairline to the back of my neck, where they ghosted over the long-healed tattoo. A permanent part of me that belonged to him. But not the only part of me that belonged to him.

"You love your job."

"But I love you more," I said firmly. I wanted him to know that I would give it all up for him. In a second. I would leave it all behind.

He shook his head. "No more running. There are people there who need you. And you can't leave Jasper there. Not yet."

And I wanted to pout, I wanted to object, and I wanted to tell him Jasper would be fine without me. But I knew he was right.

"The timing isn't perfect," he said. "But it never is."

"So what do you want, then?" I asked, shaking my head. Because I couldn't do this – I couldn't be away from him. Not for that long.

"I want to help Alice with her business. I want to go to school. And I want you, Bella." He lowered his face to mine until our foreheads were touching. His fingers trailed slowly up and down my neck. His voice was a whisper, "Can I have it all?"

"Yes," I breathed, because he could have anything. "I don't want to cry over you anymore, Edward. I don't want to hurt anymore unless it's from loving you too much. But will you love me in a year? In two? Will you love me if you have to wait?"

He smiled like it was funny. He tilted his head back and looked down at me. "I've loved you for seven years, Bella. And I will still love you in two. And I will still love you in fifty-two. Never, _ever_ doubt the way I feel about you. Never. Yes, I may have hated for you some things, and I am man enough to admit that. But that was when I was battling my own demons, and I had no one to blame it on but you. I couldn't own up to the fact that I fucked up and I'd lost control of my own life, and my own self. I know that now, and I also know it's something I can never take back. But trust me, Bella; my feelings for you have never changed. My _love _for you has never changed. Never wavered. You are permanent in my life. Even when I thought I'd lost you forever, you were still here, in my heart. You're the reason why I can't love any other girl. _You_. Because _you_ are the only girl I will _ever_ love. You're the one I am meant to love. You made me believe in destiny, and because of you I have faith. Faith that we can do this – that _this_ can work."

He lowered his face to mine, our forehead's touching. "You've saved me so many times, Bella, and you don't even know it. And I love you so much, more than words can even express. I am alive today because of you. I am here, holding your hand, touching your face, because of you. You saved me, Bella. So never doubt this. Never doubt us. And never, ever doubt how much I fucking love you. And will _always_ love you."

By the time he finished speaking, I was sobbing. The universe around me had shrunk down so small that he was the only one I saw. He was my world. I loved him so deeply that it hurt. But this was pain I could live with.

This was pain I couldn't live without.

**x.x.x**

**

* * *

**

**Just so I don't throw you guys off too much, Bella DOES get on the plane and Edward stays behind to sell his father's house. And what happens after? Do they end up making it work? Well… I guess we shall see. Next chapter jumps through time a bit more, and I'm pretty excited about where we land. **

**I promise that all the questions you have after reading this chapter will be revealed within the next two. I won't leave you guys hanging when this all wraps up. **

**I sincerely hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'm sorry I was so terrible at replying to reviews last update – I'd send you all two replies this time if stupid ff'n would let me ;) **

**Thanks for reading!**


	29. Long Way Home

_Chapter 29: Long Way Home_

**Giant thanks to Kristan for beta-ing. Without her, I'd never know the word 'cheque' looks foreign to some. What can I say? We Canadians love our French spelling ;)**

_**

* * *

**_

**The tune that is yours and mine to play upon this earth  
We'll play it out the best we know, whatever it is worth  
What's lost is lost, we can't regain what went down in the flood  
But happiness to me is you and I love you more than blood**

_**Bob Dylan – Wedding Song**_

**x.x.x**

**A year and a half later… **

**It's June. It's been 2 years since Jasper, Emmett, and Bella's initial arrival in Forks. Edward and Bella are 24.**

**x.x  
**

"Bells!" Jasper's voice came from down the hallway and just as I opened my mouth to reply he shouted out, "Hey, Bells!"

I rolled my eyes, chucking a pair of flip-flops in my suitcase and silently counting to three. "Yes, Jasper?" I called, trying to sound as patient as possible and fighting a grin as I heard the sound of something heavy hitting the floor.

"Have you seen my…" his voice trailed off, and I heard what sounded like a loud thud followed by an "_unf."_

"Uh, never mind. I found it! Thanks!"

"Yeah, no problem," I laughed, tucking my make-up bag into the suitcase beside the flip-flops. I turned and did a quick sweep of the room, satisfied that I'd packed everything I would need. Flipping the top shut, I began struggling with the zipper of my new suitcase. I'd never appreciated how the years of use had broken in my old one. This new suitcase certainty lacked the character of my old bag – it was plain, boring black with a shiny silver zipper, but the size of it accommodated my growing collection of clothes and personal items. I would be amazed if it would even fit in the trunk of the Mustang.

Once I finally got it zipped up, I heaved the suitcase off the bed and wheeled it down the hallway, wondering why after so many years of moving my life from one place to another I'd never thought to buy a suitcase with wheels. I marveled at the ease of which it followed dutifully along behind me – the thing was frigging ingenious.

"Hey, Jazz," I said, poking my head in the door of his bedroom and immediately laughing at the scene before me. His room was a disaster – it seemed his entire dresser had been dumped on the floor, his suitcase sat on the bed and was already overflowing with clothes. He was squatting down in the middle of the mess, lifting up one end of his mattress as he peered under it, obviously searching for something. I cleared my throat and fought a grin, but I could feel my lips twitching in betrayal, "Do you, uh, need some help?"

He glanced up, looking slightly dazed. "I can't find my wallet."

"And you think it's hiding under your mattress?"

"I don't know where else it could be…" he dropped the mattress, running his hands through his curls in distress. "I had it this morning…" He turned in a slow circle, like he hoped it would magically appear before his eyes.

"Hey, how about you focus on packing and I'll see if I can find it," I offered.

His shoulders dropped and he looked at me like he was about to kiss my feet in gratitude. "Thanks, Bells."

I waved him off, "No problem. And hurry your ass up, we've got to get going soon. Emmett will pound your head in if you're late."

"Yeah, yeah. This is a lot harder when you have so much shit," he whined.

I laughed. "Remember, you're only packing for two nights."

He simply pointed at my giant suitcase.

"Jasper…" I said warningly, pulling the heavy suitcase back down the hallway with me.

"Just admit it, Bells – it takes a lot more work for you to be as pretty as me," he called down the hall. I rolled my eyes and flipped him the bird, and even if he couldn't see it I was sure he knew the sentiment was there.

I found Jasper's wallet on the kitchen table, right beside his keys. I laughed to myself as I picked them both up and shoved them in my pocket, and then went to go retrieve my guitar from the living room. After that I wandered aimlessly around the house as I waited for Jasper, chewing on an apple and checking under the couches and in random closets for something I might have forgotten. I was sure that the Bella and Jasper from two years earlier would have been killing themselves laughing at how stressed we were packing for a simple weekend trip. I mentally told them to shut it as I tossed my apple core in the compost. Those two losers had it so easy.

Jasper finally emerged from his bedroom holding his old bag in his hand and looking slightly less frazzled. "Ready?" I asked, flashing him a grin.

"I think so…" He dropped his bag on the floor and pulled his garment bag from the closet by the door and slung it carefully over his shoulder. His eyes met mine. "Are you?"

"Absolutely," I grinned, tossing him his wallet as I brushed past him. With one hand I pulled the handle from the top of my suitcase and picked up my guitar case in the other, the Mustang keys jingling in my pocket. Taking one last look at the condo behind me, I pulled open the door. "Let's hit the road."

**x.x.x**

**Edward. **

"Edward, dear, I could really use a hand with these flower pots…"

I slipped my phone back into my pocket after checking the time for the hundredth time in the past hour and I walked over to where Esme stood in the driveway. Her hands were on her hips as she faced the gigantic cluster of large, overflowing flowerpots that had overtaken the front lawn. She had one finger pointed out toward the group of flowers and I couldn't tell if she was trying to count them or silently threatening them to behave. At this point, the latter definitely seemed more likely. I laid my hand gently on her shoulder before bending down the lift the first heavy pot. "I'm on it, auntie."

"Thank you, sweetheart. Now, Rose is down at the beach, she'll tell you where she wants them. I'm thinking one at the end of every row… but she might have changed her mind. I know the podiums she rented weren't as tall as she was expecting, but I'm sure they'll do if she still wants…" her voice trailed off as she went back to scolding the remaining flowerpots. I waited until I was out of earshot before I started laughing. For the sake of everybody's sanity, I hoped Alice never got married. Or at least she'd have the decency to elope.

"Hey, fucker," I said, hip checking Emmett as I passed him. He was hiding outside the gazebo at the side of the cabin, sucking back a cigarette. "Esme wants you to move flower pots."

"Dude," he groaned, rubbing a hand over his close-cropped hair, "I just set up like three-fucking-hundred chairs. Give me a sec."

I glanced over my shoulder to make sure Esme hadn't followed me and dropped the flowerpot to the ground when I saw the coast was clear. "All right. Smoke?" I asked, holding out my hand.

He obliged, grumbling to himself as he slipped one from his pack. "I thought you quit."

I shrugged in response as I lit it, absently rubbing my forehead with the back of my hand. "Why are you hiding out back here?"

Emmett just gave me a look, his eyes narrowed.

"What?" I laughed.

He gripped the railing of the gazebo so hard I thought he might snap it. "My family. Is driving me. Insane," he ground out.

I couldn't help it – I doubled over laughing. "Man, what did you expect when you invited them?"

"Oh, I don't know… maybe that they'd show up the morning of, have a couple drinks, and then peace it back to Idaho. I didn't think they'd take refuge in my house all fucking week!"

"Aw, they're just trying to help. They miss you." I eyed him and added, "Somehow."

"Fuck you," he laughed.

"I'm just kidding, man," I chuckled. "But where's Rose? She's been handling them pretty well."

"She just left for her hair appointment or some shit," he replied, rolling his eyes. "I swear, the woman is spending more time getting herself ready than anything else."

"But it'll be so worth it," I reminded him, clapping him on the back. "Dude, you're getting fucking _married _tomorrow."

The sloppy, goofy grin that I knew so well overtook Emmett's face. "Dude, I'm getting _so _married tomorrow. I'm gonna marry that girl so fucking hard."

"Damn straight," I grinned, taking a drag of my cigarette. "So, when's the best man getting in?"

"Fucking soon, I hope." Emmett put out his cigarette and rubbed his hands together. "He's supposed to be supplying the beer for today. And no hard feelings about that whole best man thing, hey? I know-"

"Hey," I said, holding up my hands to stop him, "We've been over this. You made the right choice – Jasper's a good guy."

Emmett nodded in agreement, then looked over at me with a devious twinkle in his eye. "So, you excited to see Bella?"

I opened my mouth to reply just as Carlisle came barreling around the corner. He kind of jumped when he noticed us, but relaxed when he realized who it was. "Oh, it's just you guys," he sighed, running a hand through his silver-blonde hair. He cast a nervous look over his shoulder as he approached us.

"You look like you're running from somebody," I commented, laughing at his skittishness.

"Just… avoiding. Edward, promise me you'll never let Alice get married."

"Already on it."

Carlisle shook his head, "Esme is losing her mind."

"Aw, I feel bad, you know," Emmett said, "Rose would have been just as happy to get married out in the park-"

Carlisle waved him off. "No, no. Esme loves this. She's just…" he twirled his finger at his temple, and mouthed the word _crazy. _

We laughed and Carlisle leaned against the gazebo, obviously eager to take a break. "Hope you don't mind, but I'm going to hide out here with you guys for a bit. Hope I wasn't interrupting anything."

"Naw, Edward was just about to tell me about how excited he is to see Bella."

Carlisle's eyes lit up as he turned to me. "Oooh, Bella."

"Knock it off you guys," I groaned, rolling my eyes. "Yeah, I'm excited to see her but… it's nothing. We're just friends."

"Yeah. _Friends_," Emmett scoffed.

"Yeah. _Friends_," Carlisle echoed.

I looked at Carlisle, my eyebrows raised, and he just grinned sheepishly back. I shook my head, stomping my cigarette out with the toe of my shoe, "You know what? Whatever."

"No way, man. I heard you guys have been talking," Emmett said, his voice suggestive.

"Ooooh, _talking_." Carlisle leaned in, rubbing his hands together eagerly.

I gave Carlisle a look that was probably similar to the look people gave Emmett when he tried to use big words in the wrong context. "I thought Jake was the gossip around here," I muttered.

"Hey, man, I'm Team Edward all the way. It ain't my fault that Rose let it slip," Emmett said defensively.

"There's no _team_, Emmett. We're just friends. Friends talk."

"Yeah, _friends_," Carlisle said, waggling his eyebrows at me.

This time, I couldn't help but laugh. "Uncle, you know I love you, but I swear to god that if you don't shut it I'll rat you out to Esme."

With that, Carlisle straightened up and clamped his mouth shut.

I turned to Emmett, the well rehearsed lie already on my lips, "We're doing this for the sake of your fucking wedding, you douche. Otherwise you'd be dealing with the wrath of Rose when Bella punches me in the jaw for so much as looking at her while we're walking down the aisle. And that, my friend, was all your doing when you picked Jasper to be the best man. You should be thanking me right now."

Emmett just smirked, all arrogant as he clapped me on the shoulder, "It's almost like I knew what I was doing, huh?" He tossed a grin back at me as he began to walk away, "And for the record, I think it's you who should be thanking me. Douche."

It took every ounce of strength I had not to laugh as I watched him walk away. Carlisle was eyeing me as I struggled to keep it together and just shook his head, almost sadly, as he muttered, "You know, I don't think I'll ever understand you kids."

"That's okay Carlisle," I said, patting his shoulder and laughing when I could no longer hold it in. "For your sake, I hope you never do."

**x.x.x**

Emmett and I spent a good part of the afternoon moving each planter to the backyard. With Rose gone to her hair appointment, we were left with Esme and Chelsea**,** Emmett's mom, directing the placement of the pots down to the last inch. One hundred and fifty planters – that's how many we moved. One hundred and fifty planters, of various shapes and sizes, overflowing with a variety of flowers in all different colors. And yeah, the task would have been easier if Emmett and Alice hadn't gotten wasted last summer and decided to take the wagon for a ride off the dock. Yeah, that shit doesn't float. And also makes transporting anything from the front yard down to the beach a real bitch. Which was why there was no way I was doing it without Emmett's help.

A Hundred. And. Fifty. Flowers.

It was starting to look like the goddamn Queen was getting married.

About halfway through the job my phone buzzed in my pocket and I heaved the planter I was carrying carefully underneath one arm as I freed my phone from the front pocket of my jeans. I couldn't help that my heart rate picked up as I read the simple words on the screen.

_So, you excited to see it? ;)_

It was from Bella. And just like that I'd forgotten about the sweat dripping down my forehead and the aching in my muscles from moving so many damn flowerpots and suddenly I was standing there grinning like an idiot.

Bella had taken up texting lately. I mean, it in no way compared to hearing her voice on the other end of a telephone line or actually seeing her face in person, but it felt good to her from her, even if it was impersonal and just letters on a cell phone screen. Because when it came down to it, we were talking. We were communicating. It was _good morning _and _good night _and _I love you _when we needed to hear it and couldn't pick up a phone.

And honestly, before all this happened again I couldn't remember having a conversation with Bella that didn't involve a condom or a bottle of beer or us just flat-out screaming at each other.

And it felt so new again – not like where were picking up where we left off but like I was getting to know a whole new person. Which, when it came down to it, was exactly what I was doing. I couldn't deny the way I still felt about her, or how she continued to be the center or my world even after all this time. But we had been trying as hard as possible to keep our relationship quiet ever since she boarded that plane out of Jacksonville. We'd known going into this we'd be spending our fair share of time apart. But we'd been talking – shit, we'd been talking every single day since then. We both had a lot of stuff going on in our lives and hardly had a spare few hours to make the drive out to visit each other. But we were talking and teasing and texting and basically just missing the hell out of each other every single day.

But this weekend, everything was changing. And it would finally all be worth it.

I grinned as my eyes scanned the text message one more time. _So, you excited to see it? ;)_

I licked my lips as I typed out a reply. _It's my dick, isn't it? _

A second later the phone vibrated again. _You wish, Cullen. _

I laughed. Bella got a new tattoo. And I was eager as hell to find out what – and _where _– said tattoo was._ Aw, come on, _I wrote back. _Let a man dream a little, won't you?_

_ Would you really want to stare at your dick all day long, Cullen? _She replied. I laughed when two seconds later a second text came in. _Never mind. Stupid question. So what are you doing?_

_Just slaving away. Em says to tell Whitlock to get his cunt over here, we need the manpower. _

_ I am not using that word. _

I grinned. _His words, not mine. Prude. _

_ Pig. _

I almost ran smack into Esme, trying to walk and text at the same time. I apologized to her, hastily typing a good-bye text. _I gotta go. Duty calls. You coming here?_

_ Jasper's just dropping me off at the spa. I'll be back with the girls for the rehearsal. See you soon. _

I shoved my phone back into my pocket, trying to concentrate on the directions Esme was giving me on what to do with the flowers in my arms, but the only thing I could see was the words on my phone. _See you soon. _Soon_. _

It had been too fucking long. I felt like I hadn't seen her in forever. But I would. Soon.

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

"Bella, dear, _please_ tell me you've told Jasper." Alice raised her eyebrow from the station beside me as Cheryl, her manicurist, worked at filing down her nails. We were sitting in _Perfect Image Salon and Spa _in Forks where Rose was getting her trial make-up applied by a stylist and Alice and I were getting our nails done while we waited.

"I did – ow," I winced as Ronnie, my heavy browed, scowl-faced nail-technician jabbed me with her razor-sharp cuticle clippers.

"Stay still," she scolded in a thick European accent.

"Sorry," I muttered. Making extra sure to keep my hand in place, I glanced over at Alice, "I did tell him, Al."

"Then why hasn't he said anything to me?" Alice frowned.

I shrugged, but then froze when I realized my hand had twitched with the movement. Ronnie's hunched form glared up at me and I widened my eyes in exasperation.

"You got me. We talked about it a few weeks back. I think he must be in denial or something."

"Are you serious?" Rose called from where she was sitting across the room in a tall salon chair getting her make-up applied. "Has Jasper still got issues with you guys being together? Because I swear to god, if he thinks he can-"

"Rose," I cut her off, laughing. "No, it's nothing like that. He's fine with everything. I think he's actually happy for me. He's just being Jasper about it and refusing to really talk about anything."

"You think he'd be a little bit more excited," Alice said, sounding slightly hurt.

"He is, Al," I assured her. "_Trust me_, he is. You should see what he did to the spare bedroom."

"What did he do to the spare bedroom?" she asked, suddenly bouncing in her seat.

I looked over at her, grinning. "Trust me, you'll see."

"_Bellaaaa_," she whined. "Tell me."

I looked at her pleading face, her lower lip jutted out as she stared over at me with wide, hazel eyes. "Please?" she asked innocently.

I huffed, and Ronnie yanked my hand a little to hard to the side as she filed down one of my nails. I glared at the top of her head before turning my attention back to Alice. "He's going to kill me," I muttered. "It's supposed to be a surprise."

"Oh, come on, Bella," Rose said, "It's girl time. You can't keep secrets when it's girl time."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. _Fine_. You really want to know?"

"Yeah!" Rose called and Alice just looked over at me with wide eyes as she nodded her head.

"Promise you'll act surprised?" I asked, and Alice began nodding more rapidly. "Fine. He built you a studio. Just like that one you had at your place. Bit smaller, but he wanted you to have something so it'd feel like home. Happy?"

"Oh my god!" Alice squealed, and I think it took every ounce of her energy not to start jumping up and down. "He really did that? He built a studio? Just for me?"

"Well, unless he starts designing clothes anytime soon, yeah, it's just for you."

Alice's eyes widened. "Oh my god. Could you imagine if Jazz started designing clothes? I bet he'd be amazing!"

I rolled my eyes. Oh dear lord. Jasper was going to _kill_ me.

"Alice, honey, I'm pretty sure coveralls and grease stains are like so three seasons ago," Rose said calmly, helping to quell Alice's excitement before she started to go overboard.

Alice frowned. "Yeah, I suppose you're right." I stifled a giggle and Rose just looked over at her friend in disbelief. She caught my eye and mouthed the word _'crazy'_ and I nodded, thankful that we'd reined that ludicrous idea in before it was too late. Perhaps Jasper would let me live to see another day after all.

"So do you have everything packed?" I asked Alice, trying to keep her mind off the Jasper-clothing-designer-extraordinaire track. I could almost see the evil gleam in her eye and words like _'power couple_' and _'dynamic duo' _floating around her head in little word bubbles.

"_Puh_-lease. I've been packed for months, Bella. What about you? Did you bring everything you need down with you?"

I nodded. "I left you all the big stuff, though."

"Same," Alice said, "Well, except I'm taking my wok with me."

"Your wok?" I snorted. "Al, do you even know how to use it?"

"Sure I do," she sniffed. "Well… at least… I plan to learn. Probably."

"Alice," Rose called from across the room, "I hate to tell you this, but I'm pretty sure Jasper's getting the short end of the stick here."

"Why?"

"Bella can cook," Rose stated and Alice looked up, her eyes narrowed. Rose quickly began to backtrack after seeing the look on her best friend's face, "But, then again, you can sew. And nobody knows better than me how annoying a pair of holey overalls can be…"

"Whatever," Alice said, waving her off. "Jasper won't even notice how the food tastes – he'll be too distracted by how incredible the condo looks after I get through with redecorating it."

"Hey!" I objected, "What's wrong with the décor now?"

Alice widened her eyes, looking over at me. "Seriously, Bella? _What_ décor?"

I gaped at her in mock hurt. "You cut me deep, Alice Cullen."

"Bella, come on. A thrift store lamp and a couple of glass vases filled with rocks don't exactly count as award-winning décor."

"Some of the vases had flowers in them," I pouted.

"Yeah. Silk flowers. Honestly, Bella."

"You guys, do we really have to talk about this right now?" Rose whined from across the room. "It's the eve of my wedding and I don't really want to discuss how my best friend is leaving me in like, less than 48 hours."

"Oh, come on, Rose," Alice said, rolling her eyes. "I'll probably be here more than I am there anyway. Besides, I thought you were on the winning end of this trade. Bella can cook, remember?"

Rose could only narrow her eyes at us as her make-up artist began applying a coat of lipstick.

By the time mine and Alice's shiny new French manicures had dried, Rose was all finished up. She looked gorgeous. The make-up was fresh and clean – just a hint of black-eyeliner and subtle lash extensions and pink, shimmering cheeks. She had been planning on just doing her own make-up but her future mother-in-law, Chelsea, had insisted. And apparently nobody said no to Chelsea McCarty. So, with only a few hours left until the rehearsal and less than twenty-four hours until the ceremony, we'd booked some impromptu girls time at the local spa.

I think it was probably good for Rose to get away from the set-up for a bit. From the sounds of it, Esme and Chelsea had everything under control. Unfortunately, our couple hours of girls' time meant it would be just that much longer until I'd be seeing Edward again. But this was Rose and Emmett's day, so I shut my mouth and did what I was told. Besides, when you've been waiting this long, what's an extra couple of hours, really?

Well, apparently, it was torture.

Esme had asked Alice if we could stop at the grocery store to pick up hamburger buns on the way to the cabin. Which would have been fine if Alice hadn't taken twenty minutes debating the benefits of poppy-seed verves non-poppy seed buns. And then whole wheat verses white bread. And finally, _finally, _after Rose and I convinced her to get an assortment of breads, the cashier hard a hard time taking his pervy little eyes off Rose long enough to bag our purchases and count out the correct amount of change. And when we got back to the car and loaded everything in the trunk, Alice decided she wanted to run back in and get nail polish so we could all paint our toes that night. And then Rose decided she needed a travel-sized hairspray just in case her hair-do didn't last the entire day. But finally, after I was beginning to think that we would never leave, Alice and Rose had made it back to the car and we were on our way to the cabin.

Forty-five minutes. That's what I kept telling myself. Forty-five minutes, and we'd be there. Forty-five minutes and I'd see him. And I was sure it only _felt_ like Alice was taking her sweet time getting there.

**x.x.x**

We pulled up to the cabin just in time for supper. Other than the vehicles parked along the driveway, the front yard was empty. As I climbed from the car and closed the door behind me, I perched my sunglasses on the top of my head and paused, just breathing it all in. I couldn't believe it had been two years since I'd been here.

My eyes automatically wandered to the small guesthouse off to the left of the cabin, still practically concealed by towering spruce trees. I smiled, and in my mind I could still see Edward standing at the door in the darkness, scratching the back of his neck, just looking so hesitant and unsure.

We'd come a long way since then.

"For someone who was in such a hurry to get here, you're sure taking your sweet time," Rose said as she passed me, her arms loaded with grocery bags.

"Oh shut up," I replied, "I'm just taking it all in."

"Well take it in a little faster. Em's texted me like seventeen times wondering where we are. Apparently our big strong men are starving."

I rolled my eyes but went to grab the rest of the grocery bags from the trunk while Alice pulled out her overnight back and threw it over her shoulder.

"Excited?" she asked me as she slammed the trunk of the car shut.

"Yeah," I said, automatically turning and scanning the yard to see if Edward had noticed if we'd arrived. But there was no sign of him yet.

"Oh, give me those bags and go find your man, Swan," Alice giggled, holding out her arms for the grocery bags.

"You sure?" I asked.

"Definitely. I got to have my big reunion with Jazz at the spa and you guys had to watch. Now it's your turn."

"Thanks, Al," I grinned, quickly passing her the bags. I started jogging towards the cabin, easily catching Rose and then passing her. I waved as I jogged by her and she shouted out something about my vagina and Edward's pants and I laughed, flipping her off as I neared the house. I raced down the path that ran along the side of the cabin, past the wooden gazebo that sat in the shade of the tall trees. I felt like a child – a child racing to catch the ice-cream truck, but lucky for me what I had in store was so, so much better than a frozen summer treat. I could smell barbeque and hear voices and laughter and music and then finally, _finally _I was there.

It seemed like the moment I paused as the edge of the back patio, his head lifted. Our eyes met across the small crowd, and instantly a smile lit up his entire face. My heart pounded wildly and I felt like the matching grin on my lips would crack my face right in half. He excused himself from whomever he was talking to and began weaving around people as he made his way towards me, his eyes not leaving mine once.

It was like neither of us could move fast enough. When I couldn't wait for him to get to me I raced to meet him. I was swept up into the embrace of his arms when we collided, my arms around him, his arms around me, my legs around his waist, our lips not hesitating, anxious to reunite.

"Hi," I said, breathless and afraid that, if he hadn't been holding me so damn tight, I might actually float away.

"Hey," he said and never, ever had I seen a smile on his face so big. And I just couldn't stop the smiling. I kissed him again. His fingers dug into my back. And that _thing_, whatever the hell it was that happened to me every time we were this close began to take over my senses. I wanted to climb on top of him, drag him off to the guesthouse, find some privacy in the trees, something, anything. And as it always went when I was with him, I couldn't get close enough. The world around us faded into the background until we were the only two left on the entire planet. The only thing I could sense was him and the longing and the love and the months apart. And the realization that _this _was it. We would never have to be apart again.

It was a familiar voice from somewhere behind us that was the first thing to break through our happy little bubble. "Fuck you, _just friends_."

Finally, I pulled away, feeling dazed as I looked down at Edward. His gaze didn't leave mine and somehow the grin on his face widened.

"_Emmett_!" I heard a woman's voice scold.

Edward and I broke out into laughter, and soon, it seemed that everyone around us joined in. I slid down Edward's body as he set me on the ground, the moment not gone but paused, if just for now.

"Your hair," Edward said, watching me with his face tilted.

"Yeah. You like?" I asked, pulling my fingers through my textured, shoulder length cut.

"Love it." He kissed my forehead. "Love you."

"And I love you."

"Jesus." He threw his arms over my shoulder, tucking me into his side as we turned to face our spectators. Front and center was Emmett, his beer raised to us and grin on his face. "Well cheers to you, you fucking liars."

"_Emmett_!" I heard the same woman's voice scold. I turned to see a tall, dark-haired woman standing off to the side, her arms crossed over her chest as she frowned at Emmett.

Emmett scowled at the woman. "Aw, come on, ma. Knock it off."

"I don't care how old you are, you will watch your mouth around your mother."

"_Ma_," Emmett huffed, and the woman who I now assumed to be Mrs. McCarty waved him off and sauntered off to help Rose with the hamburger buns. Emmett muttered something under his breath as he watched her go and then turned back to us.

"So what the fuck?" Emmett demanded. I heard a loud sigh from across the patio and I choked back my laughter.

Edward shrugged casually. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, it's just I could have _sworn _that earlier today you promised me the two of you were nothing but friends."

I looked up at Edward in faux surprise. "You never would have said that."

"No, I never would have said that," Edward agreed, looking at me with the same astonishment.

"Oh, come _on_," Emmett practically whined. "You did. We were standing right outside the gazebo. Come _on_."

Edward just shrugged, doing his best to look at Emmett blankly.

"Oh _please_. Somebody tell me what the hell is going on!"

I raised an eyebrow, not taking my eyes off Edward. "So… you mean he doesn't know?" I tilted my head in Emmett's direction.

Edward shrugged, still playing along. "I don't know. Emmett, don't you know?"

"Know _what?" _he begged.

Edward and I looked at each other and shrugged, eyes wide. "I guess he doesn't know."

"You guys!" Emmett practically roared. I had to fight to keep my expression straight as Jake passed us, glancing at Emmett, who was almost rolling around on the ground in agony.

"Bella!" Jake exclaimed, stealing me from Edward's grasp and picking me up in a hug. "Long time no see, chica. How's things?"

"Things are… amazing," I said, grinning over Jake's shoulder to where Edward stood.

"Good to hear. You probably wouldn't believe it, but folks at the bar still ask about you."

"Why wouldn't I believe it?" I asked. I placed my hands on my hips and raised an eyebrow smugly. "I was a star in that town."

"Sure you were." He patted my back patronizingly. I shook him off and punched him playfully on the shoulder.

He grinned down at me. "Speaking of which, Miss Superstar, you need to come play a show for me one of these days. Since you'll be so close now."

"You bet, Jake. I'd love to." I grinned as he pulled me in for another hug. "Oh! One more thing. Do you remember that truck you were going to sell Jazz a few summers back?"

"Old Flash?"

"Uh… sure? Do you still have it?"

"Her."

"Huh?" I blinked up at him.

"_Her_. The truck's a her."

"Oh…" I tried to find an appropriate response, but came up blank. Instead I shrugged and pulled a slip of paper from my back pocket. "Right. Well. Is it – _she_ – still for sale?"

"If you really want her."

"I really do." I unfolded the check and held it out to him.

He glanced down at piece of paper and a smile lit up his face. "Well, in that case. She's all yours!" He held out his hand and as I shook it I couldn't help but laugh. I could hear Edward huffing and muttering under his breath in the background, but I ignored him. He wanted to buy me my own car in the _worst_ way. But there was no way I was going to drive some stupid little tin can car for him. Not when I had Old Flash.

"So I assume you're all packed and ready for the big move?" Jake asked.

"_What move?_" Emmett asked desperately, still sounding like he was in serious pain.

"Oh, I'm moving to Seattle on Sunday. I'll be living with Edward. It's no big deal," I said, waving Emmett off and turning back to Jake.

"No big – no… big…" Emmett sputtered. "But you said you were just _friends!" _

Jake jerked his thumb in Emmett's direction. "What's his problem?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Who knows? Pre-marital breakdown is my best guess."

"Ah." Jake nodded, slapping Edward on the back as he began to move on, "Well, I'll see you guys in a bit. Tell Em to keep his shit together, hey?"

I laughed, waving as Jake made his way toward the barbeque. Emmett seemed to have mostly recovered by the time I turned back to him. He was sucking back his beer his eyes narrowed at me as he drank.

"What?" I asked, shrugging innocently.

Em pulled the bottle from his lips with a pop_. _"Oh, you know what," he growled. "You know, whatever. Keep secrets from Emmett, like it's no big. I mean, you two are only in my wedding party, but whatever. Bella's moving in with Edward, but by all means, keep this information to yourselves. It's not like I would want to know or anything. It's not like it's a big deal or anything. I mean, I don't even _care_—"

"Emmett." Edward cut him off, practically doubled over laughing at his friend. "Seriously, chill out. We were just messing with you."

Emmett blinked. "So you're not moving in together?"

"Oh, no, we're definitely moving in together." Edward straightened and put his arm back around my shoulders, pulling me against him. "It's just that we didn't really tell anybody. I mean, Alice knew but that's only because she's moving in with Jasper -"

"What. _What?_"

"Uh…" Edward glanced at me and I shrugged, fighting back a grin. "Alice is moving to Vancouver. She's going to open another store…"

Emmett looked like he was about to pass out. "I think I need to sit down… or do some shots or something," he said faintly. With that, he turned around and stumbled through the crowd, beer bottle clutched in his hand like a life preserver.

"Aw…" I said, watching him go. "That was a little mean, don't you think?"

"Naw. It was mean when he replaced my lecture recordings with audio of him and Rose fucking. What you saw right there was just well deserved."

"Did he _actually _do that?" I groaned.

"Yeah. I can let you hear them to you later if you want."

I gagged. "I'll pass. But seriously – you still _have _them? Why?"

He grinned mischievously. "Blackmail, of course."

"Ah. Well, of course." I was going to have to warn Rose. See if she couldn't try to keep Emmett in line for the next twenty years or so.

Yeah. Right.

Edward and I joined Jasper and Alice at the buffet-style dinner that was set out on a few tables next to the barbeque. We filled our plates with hamburgers and all the fixings, laughing about how easy it had been to get to Emmett as we meandered down to the dock. We all sat on one side, toes in the water and full plates in our laps.

The set up along the beach looked amazing. It was simple, really. White chairs were placed in the sand, colorful flowers lining the long aisle and leading down to the lake's edge where tomorrow Rose and Emmett would stand and tie themselves to each other, forever. Water lapping their toes and a calm, glistening lake and towering mountains would be their only backdrop. And then later, it would be dinner and dancing on the beach as we celebrated the union of two of our closest friends. It was going to be amazing.

Alice let out a long breath from beside me as she chewed on a fresh carrot. "I can't believe Rose is getting married," she said wistfully.

"I can't believe _you're _moving to Canada," Edward countered.

"And I can't believe you're moving in with a girl who isn't related to you." Alice looked over at her cousin, smirking.

Edward flipped her off before pulling his sunglasses down over his face and leaning his weight back on his hands behind him. "I can't believe we're all getting our shit together."

"Yeah, it's only been two years," I scoffed.

"For some," Alice said, pointing her fork at Edward and. I "For others, it's been, what? Seven years? Nine?"

Edward and I looked at each other. "It's been too long. Oh my god," I laughed, resting my head on his shoulder. Doing the quick math, I realized that in a few months it would officially be _nine years_ since we first met. "We were such a mess, weren't we? Did it really take us that long to get here?"

"It really did," Edward said, reaching back and placing his hand over mine, giving it a gently squeeze. "But hey, we're here now. That's what matters, right?"

"Yeah," I agreed. Because now felt good. Now felt really, really good.

"So, when can we expect you two to talk that walk down the aisle?" Alice asked, leaning forward to see our reactions. I laughed. Edward didn't.

Silence fell over our small group and my eyes widened as I looked down, suddenly very interested in the remaining food on my plate.

"Really?" Edward asked, finally chuckling as he looked down at me over the top of his sunglasses. "That's all I get? Laughter?"

"Well it's nothing we've ever really discussed," I said. "I mean, yeah, eventually. I'm only twenty-four. And you're still in school."

He shrugged. "I'll be done in December."

"Then we'll talk about it then," I said, settling back on my elbows.

"It's a date," he promised, lips near my ear. I smiled. And it was a date I never dreamed I would look forward to. But now… well, now I was living a life I never dreamed I would. So yeah, when the time came… I'd marry him.

But right now this was all I needed.

**x.x.x**

* * *

**A locket? A tattoo? A wedding? And one chapter to go. **

**I'm still debating the epilogue... idk idk. **

**Much love.  
**


	30. In The End

_Chapter 30: In The End_

**Yep, I'm baaack :) So, I Run to You will be posted in its entirety tonight. (Haha finally!) So stay tuned!**

* * *

**My gift is my song  
And this one's for you.**_**  
Elton John – Your Song**_

**x.x.x**_**  
**_

**Edward.**

"Dude, do you seriously still have to hide this shit from your mom?"

"Don't fucking judge me, you prick. You try facing the wrath of Chelsea McCarty and then come talk to me."

I laughed, shrugging out of my tux jacket and tossing it onto the railing behind me. We were back beside the gazebo. Emmett was crouched down on the bottom step smoking like his life depended on it while Jasper and I shared a cigar and kept a watch out for Mrs. McCarty. The original Mrs. McCarty, not the soon-to-be.

"You know she'll just smell it on you" Jasper pointed out.

"Well, that's why you fuckers are here. I figured at least one of you would have the decency to take the blame for me on my big day."

Jasper rolled his eyes and I passed him back the cigar. "You know you're about to get married, right dickwad? Maybe it's time you grow a pair."

"Hey, fuck you. You're the pansy-ass emo bitch that about cried himself to sleep last night because he didn't get to spend the night with his little _girlfriend_."

"Guys!" I cut in, trying to hold back my laughter. "_Enough_."

"Fuck _you_." Emmett rounded on me. "Don't think I didn't see _your _pathetic whipped ass sneak out last night just so you could go read your new roommate a bedtime story last night, or whatever the fuck it is you two 'friends but not just friends' _do_ that late at night –"

"_Emmett_!" Jasper cut in, slapping Emmett on the shoulder. "Shut the _fuck _up man. You need to chill out. Seriously."

Emmett let out a long breath, tipping his head back as he exhaled. "Sorry," he muttered, taking a drag of his cigarette. He ran his hand over the top of his short hair, shaking his head slowly. "I'm just fucking stressed. I'm sorry, guys."

"Stressed about _what_, exactly? You're about to marry the girl of your goddamn dreams. The sun is shining. You've got two fucking bitchin' groomsmen. You should be the happiest motherfucker on the planet right now. So just… stop being a cunt because you didn't get any action last night and cheer the hell up." Jasper narrowed his eyes and Emmett looked up in surprise, obviously not expecting a rebuttal like that from Jasper. Emmett just kind of blinked at me for a moment before his face broke out into a huge grin. And just like that, we were all laughing.

"Fuck. I'm sorry, guys. I'm an asshole," Emmett said, still shaking his head as he laughed.

"Yeah, you are. But we still love your bitch ass," Jasper grinned, blowing a smoke ring before passing the cigar to me. "Now, what do you say we get your ass down to the beach and get you married?"

Emmett jumped to his feet, stomping his cigarette out as he slipped on his tux jacket. "It's time?"

"Yep. And you don't want to keep that beautiful bride of yours waiting, now do you?"

"Oh hell no. There's no way I'm spending my first night as a married man in the doghouse. Let's do this boys."

I slipped on my own jacket as I followed the guys. Emmett paused.

"So what are the chances the two of you will be able to catch me if I pass out standing up there?"

"Nil," Jasper said, nudging him forward. "So keep your shit together, man."

Emmett nodded and continued on. I grinned as I watched and Jasper turned to look back at me, laughing silently. I gave him the thumbs up. And that's why he was the best man.

"Hey Em," I called just before we rounded the side of the cabin.

"Sup?"

"Fuck you."

He turned to face me, grinning. He held out his fist and I bumped it with mine.

"Fuck you too, Cullen."

**x.x.x**

The ceremony was nice. Short and sweet and nice. Bella looked damn beautiful. And I'm pretty sure somebody got married.

Not positive, but pretty sure. Like I said, there was a reason Jasper was the best man.

Ah, I'm kidding. Mostly. I mean, Rose looked stunning. Alice and Bella looked beautiful in their matching dresses that were the color of the clear blue sky above. And goddamn, did those flowers ever look good. They really completed the whole wedding. Truth.

Alice bawled her eyes out. Esme and Mrs. McCarty bawled their eyes out. And Emmett, the cocksucking pussy, bawled _his _eyes out, though much later he blamed it on the dust and sand blowing in his eyes. There was hardly a breeze. But whatever. Because chances were that the day that I had to stand there and watch Bella walk down the aisle towards me, it'd probably be a little dusty out too.

Jake's older sister was the photographer and after the 'I do's' were said and done she directed us around the beach for pictures. We posed in the sand, on the dock, in the trees, around the Mustang, and pretty much everywhere else in a five-mile radius.

Emmett's mom, sister, niece and nephew joined Em and Rose for a few shots. And it was kind of nice to see that Emmett had been able to scrape up what he could of his estranged family for his big day. Because the look on his face made it clear that it meant the world to him. The kids climbed over Emmett as Rose laughed at their antics while Rachel captured the moment with the long lens of her camera pointed at the group.

By the time we were done my face hurt from smiling and Bella was wandering around with her shoes swinging in her hand.

"That was fun," she said, holding out her free hand to me as she watched me over her shoulder. I took my time reaching her, too busy simply taking her all in. She looked so fucking beautiful. Her dress was strapless and hugged her curves to her waist, from where it began to flow to her knees. She was wearing my mother's locket around her neck and she and Alice were wearing identical white feather earrings that matched the white ribbon tied around the waist of her dress. Her hair was up in some little up-do, my biology-class time waster beaming at me from the back of her neck. I smiled the same proud smile I felt every single time I looked at it. If only that little bird had known how far he'd come.

"You know," I said when I finally reached her and laced our hands together. "I believe you owe me something."

"Is that so?"

"Mmmhm…" I tugged on her hand, pulling her to a stop as my lips touched her bare shoulder just once. I didn't miss the way she shivered when I pulled away.

"And what could I possibly owe you?" she asked softly, batting her eyelashes as she smiled up at me.

"Well, I could swear somebody was teasing me about a new tattoo yesterday, and you know I've inspected every inch of skin I can see and I haven't seen _any_ sign of such a thing…"

She pursed her lips like it was something she had to think about. "Well then… I suppose the only conclusion you could make is that it's not anywhere you can see. Right _now_." With a wink she's dropped my hand and went running off through the grass, laughing and skipping as she went.

I watched her, giving her a few seconds head start before reacting. I called out to Rose, my eyes still watching Bella hungrily, "Rose! How much time do we have until we have to be back for supper?"

"Like twenty minutes. But Edward, don't you even think -"

But it was too late. I caught up to Bella easily, though she really wasn't trying all too hard to evade me. Rose stood there yelling and threatening our lives while I dragged Bella off to the guesthouse. Bella blew Rose a kiss just before we disappeared into the trees. The second the shade hit us, Bella's bare feet touched the ground and we were lips and tongues and hair and hands everywhere. By the time we made it to the door of the guesthouse I had the zipper to Bella's dress all the way down and my jacket was lying somewhere on the ground. In fact, there was probably a trail of shoes and clothes leading right up to the front door. Rose was going to kill us.

But whatever. _She _was the one who insisted the girls had to have a slumber party last night, effectively cockblocking those of us who hadn't seen our girlfriends in months. Selfish bitch.

But either way, it was a good thing I kept those tapes.

I kicked the door shut behind me and Bella was already on the bed, wriggling out of her dress. When she got it down to her hips she stopped and smiled coyly. I pounced on her, flipping us over so she was on top of me, straddling my waist. She grinned, pulling her lip between her teeth in a way that was simply too damn sexy to be allowed. And I wished we didn't have to rush this. I wished I could take my time with her. Because it had been too long. Sixty-seven and a half days too long. Not like I was counting or anything.

One hand slid up the curve of her hip, resting firmly on her ribs as I lightly stroked the place just under her breast where the words _bye-bye baby, it's been a sweet love_ were inked into her skin. As I ghosted over the tattoo, I looked up at her, silently asking permission to see the newest addition to her small collection of body art.

"I hope you like it," she shyly, arching her back as she stretched on top of me.

"_I will_," I replied, my voice low and husky. I cleared my voice and tried again, staring at her lips as I spoke. "I know I will."

"Okay."

Slowly, she lifted her arm from the side of her I wasn't holding, and I could see the slight trembling of her body and I could smell the heat of her skin. She twisted to the side and it was there, opposite the Free Bird tattoo that the new, larger tattoo resided. And I felt myself grinning as I read over the words written on her skin. And her fingers slipped down to my chest, under my arm, where my own permanent reminder of the past was branded into my skin. My scar from the car accident back in Jacksonville. Her new tattoo was in the exact location on her body that my scar was on my own.

I had to fight to hold back the fucking tears.

"You like it?" she asked softly, her fingers still running gently up and down the raised flesh along my ribs.

"I love it," I said, swallowing hard as I sat up and placed a light kiss over the words, over her heart, and then on her lips.

"I should thank you for the inspiration," she said, her fingers curling around the locket that hung from her neck. The locket where, inside, the exact same words were engraved into the gold.

_Never that which is shall die. _

It was a Euripides quote that had been printed on the booklets at my mother's funeral. I'd stumbled across one when I was going through some shit of my dad's, the words ringing a distant bell in my memory. And then I just kind of knew. It was my mother. It was Bella. It was us. It was everything.

The next day I'd taken my mother's locket and had the quote engraved inside. And it wasn't until I picked it up at the jewelers the same afternoon that I knew exactly to whom the locket belonged. It was Bella. And I knew my mother would be proud to see it hanging from the neck of a girl she knew I loved with everything I had.

_Never that which is shall die. _

I slowly pushed myself up so we were sitting chest to chest, her legs still wrapped around my waist. I kissed her softly and as I did my hand slipped over those words once more before I gently tugged up on the top her dress and pulled it slowly back into place over the tops of her breasts. And then I reached around and began easing the zipper slowly up her back. She pulled away, lips parted and chest heaving as she looked down at me questioningly.

"I need…" I struggled to find the words, swallowing hard once more. "I need you for as long as I can have you."

She smiled softly as she began to understand what I was trying to say. She took my face in her hands, her thumbs gently stroking my cheeks. "You can have me for as long as you need me," she said, her voice a whisper. "Whenever you need me."

"Tonight," I vowed, kissing her collarbone gently as the zipper reached the top of her dress.

She nodded slowly, tears gathering in her eyes as she looked down at me. "Tonight," she agreed softly. "And then, forever."

**x.x.x**

**Bella. **

As the wedding party, Edward, Jazz, Alice and I had all agreed to give something to Rose and Emmett that nobody else could. Each of our gifts was separate, and although not every one was material each and every one came from the heart.

Alice designed and created Rosalie's stunning, one of a kind wedding dress. She put hours, days, weeks, and months of work into that dress. And it was perfect. Perfectly perfect. Though I hadn't been to many weddings in my life, I was positive there had never been a wedding with a more beautiful bride. It was almost a shame this would (_knock on wood_) be the only time she'd be a bride. She _owned_ that dress. It was sexy, elegant, and just a little rugged – just like the bride. Did I mention it was _perfect_? And I knew Rose wouldn't rather wear anything else.

Jasper's present was a little bit more of a surprise to the rest of us. I knew he'd been working for the past month or so on _something_, but he never would really give me any details on exactly what that was. But it turned out his gift was simple, yet something I knew none of us would ever forget. He'd been writing an epic speech or "the most epical speech that shamed all other speeches of time" as Emmett had dubbed it later that night. Jazz delivered his speech with amazing finesse after dinner. He had us rolling on the ground laughing one moment and weeping into champagne the next. And it was perfect.

Edward, being Edward, helped them buy their first house. I'm sure we all rolled our eyes a little when we heard that, but it was just so _Edward. _The house was on some land outside Forks, towards Port Angeles. It was there that Rose planned to expand her business and open _Wild Rose Body Shop and Mechanic_ with Emmett. The shop would be on the same piece of land as their house and they hoped to attract customers from both PA and Forks, which we all knew they would. The two of them working together was complete genius, though neither would admit it. It was the perfect place for them to work from home and raise the "tiny humans," as Emmett so eloquently put it. And Edward was the one to help make that dream come true.

And my gift… well, my gift was really the only thing I could offer them. I sat down, and for the first time in seven years, I wrote a song. For them. And after dinner, after the speeches and toasts and laughter and tears, I played it for them. A long tent with no sides and a ceiling lit up by thousands of sparkling lights had been erected after the ceremony, and it was under that tent where we laughed and danced the night away. The sun had just begun to dip below the horizon when I set up the microphone began to play. The newlywed couple was barefoot in the sand as they danced their first dance and I sang my first song.

Halfway through, Emmett hollered at everybody to get their asses out there and couples quickly began to oblige. I grinned as I watched Carlisle lead Esme onto the dance floor, followed closely by Alice and Jasper. Then Chelsea McCarty scooped her grandson into her arms and began to dance and my eyes followed Edward as he approached Emmett's four-year-old niece Emma and offered her his hand. The little girl quickly latched herself onto him as they danced slow circles around in the sand under a twinkling canvas. His gaze me mine and he winked and I grinned at him before losing myself in the chorus.

The moment couldn't have been more perfect if we tried.

When I wrapped up, the guests were on their feet clapping and I was trying not to cry when Emmett swept me up into his arms to thank me.

"That was damn sexy, Swan," he said in my ear as we hugged.

"Well of course it was. It was written for us," Rose grinned, nudging Emmett out of the way as she pulled me in for a hug. "Seriously though, Bella. That was incredible! Thank you so much."

And I just hugged her back, finding myself completely lost for words. But they seemed to understand. Tyler, the DJ, started spinning an upbeat dance track from where he was stationed by the patio and more bodies filled the dance floor. Edward gave me a small wave from where he was still twirling Emma around in circles and I laughed as Emmett looped his arm through mine and led me into the crowd.

And we kicked off our shoes and we _danced. _

I was breathless and my face hurt from laughing after only a few songs passed. Emmett led me gracefully through a slow song and I had a feeling that he'd had a few lessons from some of our friends just for this evening.

"Having fun, Swan?" he asked me as he twirled me around.

If the permanent grin on my face wasn't a good enough answer, I nodded. "Yes. This is amazing, Em. I can't believe you're _married_. And all along I thought you were really holding out for me."

"Hey, a guy can only wait so long, dream girl," he winked.

"Not all guys," I corrected him, my gaze drifting across the floor to where a certain tall, bronze-haired man was laughing as he danced. "Some guys are better at waiting than others."

"Oh yeah, I'm pissed at you about that, by the way."

"No you're not," I grinned, nudging him.

His faux-glare quickly melted into a smile. "You're right. I'm not. But shit, Swan. That's some pretty big news to be holding out on."

"We weren't _holding out_… you're just unobservant."

"Why? Because I didn't _observe_ you guys sneaking around behind everybody's backs?"

"We weren't sneaking around!" I insisted, laughing. "Remember last summer when Jazz and I came down and we all went out for supper for your engagement party?"

"Yeah…" Emmett said slowly.

"Edward and I were outside for an _hour _'catching up' while you guys were all having cocktails. Everybody was cracking jokes about it all night and you never seemed to catch on! And Jesus, Emmett, Edward stayed in my room _with me_ when you guys all came out for Christmas! I don't understand how you _didn't _know."

Emmett got a kind of blank look in his eyes as and I could only assume he was looking back on the past year and a half, remembering all the very conspicuous hints that he'd overlooked that made it pretty evident that Edward and I were back together. I rolled my eyes and held back laughter as I waited for him to process this new information. Finally, he spoke.

"Oh… shit. I am unobservant, aren't I?"

"You are," I agreed, finally laughing when he looked down at me. "And as soon as everybody realized that you hadn't caught on yet… we decided it was fair to mess with you a little. And then you went and recorded over Edward's lectures and it was game on."

"You guys suck, you know that?" Emmett pouted slightly.

My grin widened. "I know. But you love us."

"Yeah… I do," he relented, hugging me as we danced. "But hey, you'll be living closer to me and Rosie now, huh? Does that mean we'll get to see you more?"

"Definitely," I grinned. "Edward's just got another semester at UDub, and then… who knows? Maybe we'll move back closer to Forks if we can find jobs."

"That'd be badass. Hell, you can come work for me, Swan!"

"Uh… yeah… I don't think that would be a very good idea. Me and cars? Not such a good match."

Emmett seemed to think about it for a second before grinning sheepishly down at me, "Yeah, you're probably right."

"It's okay, Em. We'll always be close by," I assured him.

"You better be," he said, his voice serious. "You guys are my family now, and there's no way in hell I'm letting you take off on me again."

"Aw, Em," I said softly, "I'm done running. I _promise_ you."

"Okay," he nodded once, seemingly placated.

"So…" I cleared my throat, my gaze drifting over his shoulder to where I saw Carter, Emmett's nephew, attempting to twirl Rosalie around the dance floor. "Speaking of family, how's it been having your mom and sister here? Was it as bad as you thought it'd be?"

Emmett kind of scrunched up his face as he shrugged. "It's been all right… kind of weird I guess. Mom's been great… a little over-bearing, but Rose keeps reminding me that I should be thankful that she's even here at all. Honestly, I was shocked as shit when she told me she was coming. I didn't think she'd give a fuck about my wedding. I think she really warmed up to Rose though… which is weird because the two of them are _nothing _alike. But my mom has changed since I've been away. She used to be pretty cold. Or maybe I've changed, I don't know." Emmett shrugged and looked down at me. His eyes lit up when he began talking again.

"I was mostly excited to see Carter and Emma. It's been so long… Those two little monkeys have grown up so much! Carter will be going into grade two already in the fall. Char's been great too, you know. It's too bad her hubby, Peter, couldn't make it out. He's a pretty cool dude; I think you all would have gotten along."

"Yeah, that would have been nice," I agreed. "I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her, but Charlotte seems great. Have you two always been close?"

"No," Emmett shook his head. "She's almost six years older than me, and we never really hung out as kids. She had better things to do but whatever, that's how kids are. We really only became close after I left. I'm so glad I kept in touch with her."

I smiled, feeling so happy for how far my friend had come. "Have you talked to your dad at all?" I asked quietly.

Emmett shook his head again. "Nope. But fuck him. I'm glad he didn't come. I really only want the people I love – and who love me – here on my wedding day. It would have been a disaster if he'd shown up. I guess you can't fix every relationship in the end, but it's fine. He's let me go and that's all I really ever wanted."

The song came to and end and I hugged Emmett tightly once more. "I'm really happy for you, Emmett," I said earnestly.

"Thanks, Swan. You guys know you mean the world to me." He threw his arm over my shoulders and pulled me into his side, "But enough of this sappy shit… want to come get a drink?"

"Sure," I agreed and he began leading me off the dance floor to where the bar was set up. I stood to the side while he grabbed us drinks and chatted with the guests who were milling around the bar. Night had fallen around us but in addition to the strings of lights wound around the legs and the ceiling of the tent, the flickering flames of candles and tiki torches lit up the beach. It was truly a breathtaking set up.

If Edward was serious about this whole wedding thing, we were going to have a hard time rivaling this.

"Hey stranger!" I turned to see Jasper approaching the bar with Alice on his arm. They were both laughing as they climbed the slight incline up to the bar.

"Hey, guys," I smiled.

"What's goin' on?" Jasper asked as they came to a stop beside me. He'd already ditched his tux jacket and had the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbows, the thumb of his free hand hitched under the strap of his suspenders. The smile on his face was so free and easy I had the urge to just hug him.

"Just admiring the sights," I told them.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Alice sighed, looking around.

"It is. It's perfect."

"This had been such a great day. You guys have no idea how happy I am to have everyone here together." Alice looked over at me, and the genuine smile on her face was contagious. "This has just been… amazing."

I nodded in agreement as Emmett approached with our drinks. He passed me my Coke and took a sip of whatever it was he was drinking. "Hey," Emmett greeted Alice and Jasper with a nod, "You guys aren't sneaking off already, are you?"

"No way," Jasper assured him. "Just getting some refreshments."

"Good," Emmett nodded, and he grinned as he glanced over at me. "Oh, there was something I've been meaning to tell you two."

"What's up?" I asked.

Emmett rolled his shoulders and grinned to himself before speaking, "The other day I told my mom about how I took you guys to the beach house after you picked me up in Oregon."

My eyebrows about shot to my hairline. "What? You told her? What did she say?"

Emmett shrugged nonchalantly. "Asked if you liked the décor and wanted to know if I made sure to lock up when we left."

Jasper and I glanced at each other before we burst out into laughter. I patted Emmett on the back as Jasper clutched his stomach. "Your family is crazy, Em."

He shrugged again. "I know, but she gave it to me and Rose as a wedding gift."

I stopped. "Wha – she what? She gave you the beach house?"

"Yep." Emmett smirked into his drink.

"Christ," Jasper said, shaking his head. "You're a lucky son of a bitch, you know that? Who runs away from home for two years and then gets handed a beach house _mansion _the next time he sees his parents?"

"This guy," Emmett replied, puffing out his chest. "It's cool though. I'll probably invite you guys out… one day. Maybe. If I ever forgive you for keeping me in the dark about everything for so long."

"Screw you," I laughed. "You have two houses and I have… none. How is that even fair?"

"Life's a _beach_," Emmett said, his grin growing, "Well… at least it is for me, literally. It must suck for you guys though."

"I hate you."

"You can't hate me, Swan. It's my wedding day."

"Then I'll hate you tomorrow."

"Fine by me – I'll be long gone on my honeymoon with my beautiful wife." Emmett patted me mockingly on the shoulder. "But have fun hating me while I'm away. And speaking of my wife, I should go find her before Carter decides to make his move." He nodded towards the beach, where Rose and Carter were still tearing up the dance floor. "The kid's only seven, but he's as smooth as his uncle Em. He was blessed with the McCarty charm. I'll catch you kids later."

I could only roll my eyes as he walked away. Jasper frowned, shaking his head as his eyes followed Emmett, "You know, I really hate that guy sometimes."

"Oh, we all do, sweetie," Alice assured him. "But what's the deal with the beach house?"

I shook my head. "It's… kind of a long story. But basically, Emmett only thinks he's some tough runaway rebel. I wouldn't be surprised if he confessed that to his mom the second she touched down in Seattle."

"Probably," Jazz laughed. "Shit, he probably told her that before he told her he was getting married."

"Such a momma's boy," I chided, shaking my head.

"Total pansy-ass," he agreed.

"Pansy-ass?" A voice asked over my shoulder and I jumped when Edward slid up behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist. "Ah, let me guess… Emmett?"

"How'd you know?" I laughed.

"Lucky guess," he grinned in return.

"You guys, we really should leave him alone. I mean, it _is _his wedding day," Alice cut in. We all stopped and looked at her and slowly looked back at each other before bursting out into laughter.

Alice giggled and shook her head. "Fine. Just… make fun of him _nicely_."

Jasper just looked to the side and grinned at Alice. And it was one of Jasper's smiles where his eyes crinkled at the corners and his entire face lit up, and it was one of Jasper's smiles that made me feel happy just to be a part of it. And it was a smile that made me goddamn _breathless _just to see because we'd made it so, so far and _this _was happiness and _this _was what it was all about.

"_Let's go dance_," I said quietly into Edward's shoulder, my lips hardly moving as I spoke. And he took my hand and together we made our way back to the beach and stood to the side of the dance floor, so we were a part of it but not really.

"You okay?" he asked, looking down at me with his forehead wrinkled in concern. His hands slipped around my waist and I wound my arms around his neck, my fingers playing absently with his hair. I looked up and nodded because I was really, _really_ okay.

"Okay," he said, kissing my forehead and then bending down to kiss my lips. His mouth moved softly against mine and it didn't seem to matter whether the beat was soft or slow because this was our song. This would always be our song.

"I love you," I whispered when we parted.

"I love you too."

And I think it's fair to say that for both of us, those words weren't enough. But it was all I'd ever need.

And I was finally in the place I'd been long to be all night. In his arms.

Home.

"You know, sometimes it all just really hits me," I said quietly. "Where I am, where I've been… Those years after I left and when Jazz and I were on the road, it's such a blur to me now. And it scares me to think, you know? Like what if we hadn't picked up Emmett and what if the Mustang hadn't broke down? I wonder where we'd all be."

"To be honest, I've wondered that myself," Edward mused. "And I like to think that we all would have found each other in the end, regardless of how it went down."

"I'd like to think you're right," I said with a smile.

"Just have a little faith, Bella," he teased.

I just laughed and shook my head. "Funny."

"Mmmhm." He pressed his lips to my forehead and turned his head to the side.

"You see that?" he asked, and I followed his gaze across the dance floor to where Emmett had Rose were swaying in each others arms, slow-dancing around the floor to a Garth Brooks song. Her dress was flowing all around her and in that moment, the way he was looking at her and she was looking at him, it was like the rest of the world didn't even exist. And there was something magical about it, and it wasn't how obviously in love they were or even the fact that they'd just stood up in front of their friends and family and declared their eternal love to one another. It was something else. Something I couldn't even describe but I could see it and I could feel it.

"Yeah," I said softly. "What about it?"

"I want that."

I closed my eyes, my chest swelling with an immeasurable amount of emotions at those simple words. "Edward." I turned back to him with a smile on my lips. "You already have that. Just because I don't have some diamond on my finger doesn't mean that I'm any less yours and you're any less mine. We belong together," I shrugged. "It's that simple."

"My god, I love you," he said, taking my face in his hands and softly brushing away a stray piece of hair. "Don't you ever leave me again." The openness and the pain and the fear in his eyes startled me.

"I can't…" I said shaking my head slowly. "I wouldn't dream of it, Edward. You are _everything_ to me. I'm not going anywhere without you by my side, that I can promise you."

He nodded, the fear dissolving as he kissed me. When he pulled away I felt a light tap on my shoulder and Edward and I both shifted our attention to Jasper, who stood watching us with a grin on his face and a strange, proud paternal look in his eyes.

"May I?" he asked, giving me a cheesy wink as he held out his hand.

"Sure, man." Edward grinned, stepping away as Jasper took his place. "I'll be… around," he told me, and my smile lingered on him as I watched him weave his way through the crowd and the twinkling lights and out of my sight.

The song that played was slow, and Jasper held me softly around the waist as we danced. He smelt like rum and cigars, and at first no words were exchanged as I laid my head on his shoulder and we rocked slowly in place on the floor.

When he spoke, his voice was quiet.

"I think Alice and I are heading out pretty soon." He stopped to clear his throat. "You know, long drive."

I blinked, feeling sluggish and slow. "You're leaving tonight?"

"Yeah…" I looked up to see Jasper's face was pulled together, the familiar crease stretching across his forehead. "I just figured… well, we've got a lot to do tomorrow. I don't want to waste half the day driving. And I haven't been drinking so… it just makes sense." He shrugged.

"Oh…" I swallowed hard. "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

One side of his mouth lifted up into a smile, "Besides, I wouldn't want to unnecessarily steal beds from others who really need them tonight." And then the cheese ball nudged me with his elbow and winked.

I felt myself smiling in response. "Yeah, we wouldn't want that. In fact, I can think of someone who could put that bed to use pretty soon. I am getting awfully tired." My smile widened.

"Oh fuck," he laughed, rolling his eyes. "God forbid Bella doesn't get some… _sleep_."

"And I haven't had a good nights sleep in a reeeeally long time," I said, raising my eyebrows. "Like, months."

"Ugh." Jasper shuddered and his face scrunched up in disgust. "You know, I don't really need to hear this right now."

"Hey, you started it. Besides, don't even try and deny that you and Alice will be going at it like bunnies the second you get home. And it _my _old bedroom to boot."

Jasper shrugged, "Hey, your room is bigger. And trust me, Alice and I need all the room we can get."

"Oh god. Okay, okay. You win."

Jasper's grin widened as he leaned in towards me. "You know I always win."

"Only because I let you."

"Sure, sure."

We fell silent for a moment as we found our rhythm again with the song that was playing. I leaned my head back on his shoulder and a part of me hoped the song would never end.

He was leaving tonight and I wasn't ready.

"You look happy, Bells," Jasper said finally, his mouth right by my ear. "And you have no idea how good it is to see."

"I _am_ happy," I said, "This weekend has been a long time coming for all of us."

"It has," he agreed. I could feel his attention shifting somewhere over my shoulder and I would have bet anything that he was unconsciously seeking out Alice as he spoke. "Still doesn't change the fact that I'm going to miss the hell out of you, though."

"I'm just trying not to think about that part," I admitted softly.

"Me too," he agreed, his voice nearly inaudible.

And this was the part I always thought we were good at: the good-byes. How many years of our life had we spent doing it? It had always been the same – we had a routine and we were good. We'd slip quietly into the night from one town to the next, parting ways with the few friends we had made and leaving as easily as we had arrived.

I wondered when exactly good-byes had become so hard.

And it wasn't even that I was moving to an entire different country from my best friend, the man I'd spent almost my entire life with. He would only be a few hundred miles away, and really I knew I'd see him often. But tonight I was saying good-bye to many other things – to the old Bella and Jasper and of our former way of life. It was officially the end… but really, tonight was a beginning, too. But I guess most ends are.

"I can't do this," I said finally, my voice sounding tiny against his shoulder.

Jasper pulled away in surprise. "What?"

I registered his confusion and shook my head quickly. "No… _this. _We should be celebrating the beginning, not mourning the end. We shouldn't be saying _good-bye_…"

"What? We should be saying _hello_?" Jasper asked, his face twisted up like he was about to laugh.

"No – maybe – _shut up_." I slapped his chest gently when he did begin to laugh. I made a face and turned away from him. "You're an ass."

"How about this, Bella," he said when he regained his composure. He reached grabbed both my hands and pulled me so I was facing him. I sighed and watched him warily.

With a soft smile, he tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear and lowered his voice, "I'll say that I have to go. And I'll tell you that I'm going to miss you so, so much. And I'll remind you that there are two amazing people waiting out there for us, each with their own new and exciting adventures to take us on. I'll tell you that I'll see you soon, and that I love you. And there will be no good-byes, not even one."

I blinked back tears that filled my eyes as I smiled. "I say that sounds perfect, Jazz."

"Good." He leaned in and softly pressed his lips to my forehead and then pulled me into his arms for a hug. He squeezed me tight and held me for what felt like forever. I felt the odd tear slip down my face as I hugged him back as hard as I could.

When he pulled away I brushed away the tears that had fallen from my eyes. Jasper raised his hand as he stepped away, his fingers just barely waving a silent good-bye. I raised my own hand, a mirror image of him and we stood like that until he slowly nodded his head and was gone.

And it was a beautiful moment – in a broken, bittersweet kind of way. The lights and the stars twinkled above me and bodies danced to the rhythm of the night. Just like that a long, exhausting journey had come to and end. And when I finally moved from the place where Jasper had left me, I turned and found myself in the familiar arms of another man. The arms of my new home, the one where I kept my heart.

"Hi," he whispered in my ear and I almost laughed and wondered if he could have possibly known. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I said, quickly peering over his shoulder and scanning the crowd for one last glimpse of the blonde curls I knew so well. "Yeah, I'm…" When I couldn't find those familiar blonde curls I looked up into the face of Edward, into his green, green eyes and smiled. "I'm better than okay."

"Okay," he smiled, and leaned and slowly pressed his lips to mine.

And as I closed my eyes to kiss him back, I realized that I was exactly where I wanted my new journey to begin.

**x.x.x**


	31. Of Forever

_Chapter 31: Of Forever_

**These next two chapter are somewhat of a happy accident. They were not really planned and are unbeta'd and meant as a giant thank-you to Kristina, who as been the most incredibly awesome beta throughout this journey. I asked her to do it as a favor way back in the beginning and made a really awesome friend somewhere along the way.**

** And these next two chapters are for you guys too, because I never would have finished this story if not for you. So thank you. Everyone :')**

**x.x.x**

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**Bella. **

It was later that night, much later, and I lay between the silky sheets of the bed in the guesthouse. Edward lay by my side with his head ducked, my nipple in his mouth and his hand between my legs. It was silent save for the soft panting breaths escaping me as he slowly played my body like it was an instrument he'd been practicing his entire life. He unwound me slowly, fingers strumming softly and his mouth humming gently until the song reached the peak, and the tempo increased and his body played faster and faster, harder and harder. And I danced along, panting and gasping until I could feel the music spring from the deepest parts of my body, until I was writhing and could feel the music wash over my body, crashing like waves upon a thirsty shore. I was lifted up, up, up and into his awaiting arms. And the music slowed but it would never stop.

I would always feel this song because in truth, my heart – it sung for him. And his for mine.

"I want you, Bella," his voice crooned softly into my ear.

"I'm yours," I whispered back.

I felt him leave, gone but just a moment but the loss of him drew nearly all the heat from my body. His hand slipped under the pillow beneath my head and the bed moved and he was back on top of me. We were two different bodies and two different souls molding into one.

His kissed me so hard he never really gave the tingling a chance to subside. I felt him everywhere. His fingers ran through my hair and then down to my shoulders, across my chest and lower, lower to where I pressed myself up against him.

"I want you forever, Bella," he said, tearing his lips from mine and his voice sounding tortured that he had to do so to speak.

"Edward, I _told _you –" I began, tired of his games. But I stopped when I felt something light and cool suddenly drop onto my stomach. He had slid down so his head was near my navel, his chin resting on his hand and his head tilted as he drew tiny circles on my stomach around the object he'd placed there.

I stared at him, mesmerized. I wondered if I was dreaming. I wondered if Emmett had spiked my cola. And I wondered if there was a more perfect man than the one currently between my legs.

"_What is…?"_ I couldn't even finish my sentence.

He looked up and met my eyes, the moonlight coming from the long window beside us illuminating his features. He looked surreal – celestial. He lifted his mouth into a crooked grin and I think that's maybe when my heart started beating again.

"Marry me, Bella."

It was as if he was suggesting we have bacon for breakfast, or that we should paint the bedroom green when we get moved in together. Like he was just telling me we were out of orange juice and he'd pick some up on his way home from school or that the cable bill was due next week. Because my brain didn't compute his words, at least not right away. I didn't scream and jump for joy and I didn't cry and I didn't even know if he was serious.

He lifted the object he'd dropped on my chest. He held it between his thumb and his index finger and he slid up my naked body so we were face to face. He held the ring up between us and it twinkled in the pale moonlight.

"Maybe it's tacky to ask you this right after a wedding and I know you want to wait until I'm done school… but I don't want to wait for the next right moment after that. This is the right moment. The _perfect_ moment. I love you and I've missed you and I want you, Bella. I want you to be my wife. Make me the happiest man in the world right now. Say yes. And I swear I'll make you the happiest woman on this planet for the rest of your life."

He smiled and he leaned his weight on one elbow as he held the ring up towards me. "Isabella Marie Swan, will you marry me?"

I guess I was wrong – I cried. He wiped away my tears when they got to be too much to see. And yeah, maybe this was all wrong. Was it all wrong? Wasn't there supposed to be a romantic dinner and strangers around to witness and cries of joy? Was it wrong that we were naked in a bed that wasn't even ours? Was it wrong that he hadn't even gotten down on one knee, that instead he'd undressed me, unwound me, and then asked me to be his wife? Was there a _right _way to do all this? Did it even _matter?_

I decided very quickly that it didn't. I didn't want a romantic dinner and strangers around to see. I didn't want the anticipation, the waiting, the attention. I wanted this. This was perfect. And god, I wanted _him_.

Besides, when did we ever do anything 'the right way,' anyway?

All I knew was that I wanted to tie myself to him in every way possible. And I knew this couldn't be some spur-of-the-moment we're in love and I've missed you decision… he had a ring. He already had the ring. I closed my eyes for just a moment – a lone tear rolling down the skin of my cheek. This was it. It was the happily ever after they talked about in books and films – the real-life fairy tale I never really believed in. I closed my eyes and I nodded. A sniffling, sobbing mess… I nodded.

"Yes, Edward. Yes, I'll marry you. God, I'll marry you right now if that's what you want."

His laughter shook as he grasped my hand, his fingers trembling against mine. "I'm sure we're not too late to track down the justice of peace who was here tonight."

I wiped more tears with my free hand and watched him, laughing and crying as he slipped the diamond onto my ring finger with shaking hands. "Maybe we should wait until the newly weds get back from the honeymoon, at least."

"Maybe you're right," he smiled down at me and smoothed my hair back, tucking it behind my ears. Never before had I ever, ever seen a sweeter and happier smile on his face.

"I love you so much," I told him. A promise. A vow. No moment would rival this. Nothing in my world would ever mean more to me than he did.

"I love you too," he said, eyes shining in the moonlight as he smiled. "And I swear I will love you every single day for the rest of our lives, Bella."

I smiled so big it was hurting. But it was a very, very good pain. "We're getting married," I said out loud, testing it out.

His smile grew. "Yes we are, Mrs. Cullen," he said, his voice becoming husky as he finished.

I reached up and kissed him, winding my fingers through his hair and pulling him down to me. His hands trailed up my side, over my tattoos, and began kneading my breasts. I felt him grow beneath me and moaned. His lips moved to nip at my neck and he let out a tiny gasp.

"I can't wait any longer Bella…" he groaned, sounding almost pained as I arched my back to press against him. All the air left my lungs at the feeling he created when he thrust back down on me. He pulled back for a moment and then I felt his tip at my entrance, taunting me.

"Oh god…" I moaned, my head falling back and my chest heaving. And there was so much good all at once. A new ring on my finger and another new beginning. And Edward, Edward with me and touching me and loving me and looking at me like he never had before. And our eyes locked when he entered me, gentle and desperate all at the same time, I realized that I'd never made a single wrong turn, not in my entire life. And maybe no one ever does. Because everywhere, everything, it all brought me to this moment and I knew there was nowhere else I was supposed to be. Looking into his eyes, it was the first time I realized I was complete. I was fully whole. Two souls had collided hard for the last time and created something beautiful and epic and beyond words.

And I knew life had so much more to offer me, but right now I had this, a feeling in my soul I might never get back.

"Edward," I whispered near his ear, my voice thick with want and need. "You have me." I took his earlobe between my teeth before breathing, "Now take me."

**x.x.x**


	32. Epilogue

_Epilogue_.

**Some time in the future. At Emmett and Rose's beach house.  
**

**x.x.x  
**

* * *

**Bella.**

I came down the stairs carrying a blue nylon cooler I'd just snagged from Rose while my free hand gripped tightly to the railing as I descended. I was on my way to the kitchen to fill up the cooler with the lunch Alice had made earlier to take down to the beach. I made it to the bottom of the stairs and had almost rounded the hallway corner when I heard Emmett's booming voice coming from the kitchen.

"Hey, tiny human number three, have you seen my wifey?"

I stopped with my back to the wall, out of sight, and heard a tiny giggle from the girl he was addressing. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Emmett truly had a way with the children.

"Nuh-uh," a small voice replied.

"You wouldn't lie to me, would you?" Emmett pressed.

The tiny voice giggled again. "Nooope!"

"Hmmm… for some reason I'm not buying it, Lizzie. You should know that the last kid that lied to me ended up in children prison. You don't want to go to children prison, do ya?" Emmett lowered his voice and whispered, "I hear they only feed you vegetables and you they make a stinky, grouchy old lady read you a bedtime story."

I had to bite down on my finger to keep from laughing out loud. And I waited for it, counted to three, and then…

"Mamaaaa!"

I stifled my laughter and did my best to smooth my features.

"Mammaaaa!"

"I'm coming!" I called, hitching the strap of the cooler up on my shoulder as I rounded the corner. As soon as my gaze fell on Lizzie, who was backing slowly away from Emmett, I couldn't help but grin.

"What's the matter, baby?" I asked, looking down at my daughter and doing my very best to look concerned.

"Uncle Em's being scary again, Mama."

I scowled at Emmett as I neared Lizzie. "You know he's only teasing you, sweetie. You just have to learn to tease him back."

"'Ease him back, mama? But you and daddy said I gotta be nice to my uncles," she said, looking adorably and terribly confused.

"Just Uncle Jasper," I fake whispered, crouching down next to her.

"Hey!" Emmett protested, standing over us with his arms crossed over his chest. I shot him a grin as I lowered my voice to speak in Lizzie's ear. "And do you wanna know a secret?"

"Uh-huh." Lizzie's eyes grew wide as she nodded.

"If you ever wanna scare Uncle Em, just take him up to the second story balcony."

Lizzie's face lit up. "Really?" She looked up at her uncle and giggled into her hand. "He's 'fraid of _that?_ What a baby."

"I know," I laughed as I stood. "Now, Daddy's outside with Uncle Jasper, how about you go out and find him and I'll bring you guys some lunch?"

"Okay!"

"And don't go in the water unless Daddy is there, okay sweetie!" I called after her.

"'Kay!" Lizzie called as she scampered through the sliding patio doors the led out to the beach. I watched my daughter go with a smile on my face.

Emmett cleared his throat from next to me and when I glanced over at him, he rolled his eyes. "Geez, _Mom, _way to ruin all the fun."

I pulled open the door to the fridge and began loading it with the premade sandwiches and Tupperware containers stuffed with fruits. I had to grin to myself as I noticed the neat little de-crusted PB&J sandwiches Al had made for the boys. She was going to make a kick ass mom.

"How about you just focus on terrorizing your own children for once, Em?"

"Rose doesn't let me," he pouted, leaning against the island as he watched me. "Besides, I was teaching her a good life lesson."

"Oh yeah? And what was the last one you taught her? That if you bug Mommy and Daddy after bedtime the boogeyman will jump out and rip your eyes out?"

"Hey! It's a valid lesson. I wouldn't want to scar any of my kids by having them walk in on me and Rose doing the nasty."

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Yeah, because _that's _what will scar your kids."

"Hey now!"

"Oh, shut up. Come on, take this cooler and be a gentleman and help my ass down to the beach."

"You know, you're really setting a great example for the kids, Mrs. Cullen. Besides, I'm still trying to find my wife."

"Oh, I'm sorry if your beach house is so big that you lose half your family within the first few hours of being here."

"Whoa," he said, holding up his hands and taking a step back. "I know pregnancy hormones can be a bitch, but it doesn't mean you have to be one, Swan."

"Screw you."

Emmett made a face at me but took the heavy cooler from my shoulder and held out his arm for me to hold as we made our ways through the kitchen and towards the back deck. I laced my arm through his and as I leaned up against him, I sighed.

"Rose is upstairs with Alice trying to get the boys into their swim trunks," I told him as a peace offering.

"Why—"

"Apparently they've decided they won't be taking off their Superman pajamas until we leave, because they're 'on wayation and they can do whatever they wanna.'" I quoted, glancing at Emmett out of the corner of my eye. "I have _no _idea where they'd get an idea like that."

Emmett's chest puffed with pride. "That's my boys, resisting conformity just like their old man! Don't let the 'em get you down, kids!" he called over his shoulder, towards the house even though there was zero chance of them hearing.

"Oh, god. I've said it once and I'll say it again: stay the hell away from my daughter, McCarty."

"Oh, I don't think you have to worry about me being the one who's a bad influence on your daughter, Bella." Emmett paused and nodded down the beach to where Jasper and Edward stood beside two ATV's that were parked in the sand. Lizzie was running down the beach towards me, a giant quadding helmet clutched between her tiny hands.

I stopped and placed my hands on my hips. "Elizabeth Faith! What in the world do you think you're doing?"

Lizzing stumbled through the sand and came to a stop beside me. "Mama! Mama! Daddy says I can go if you says I can go! I have a hewmet and everthing, Mama! Pweeeeease can I go?"

Lizzie's tiny features were scrunched up as she looked up at me, her bottom lip stuck out as she struggled to cradle the helmet against her chest. "Pweeeeease?" she repeated, widening her big green eyes and batting her dark eyelashes.

I knew that look well.

"Yeah, pleeeeease Mama?" A second voice chimed in, and I looked up to see my husband approaching us, his expressions identical to Lizzie's. I bit back a smile as Edward batted his eyelashes in the exact same way that Lizze just had.

"You both know it isn't fair when you do this to me," I couldn't help but laugh. Lizzie let out a tiny giggle.

"We'll be safe, Mama," she promised. "And you can stay here with Aunnie Alice and keep my brother and cousin safe." She placed on tiny hand on my tummy and smiled. "Daddy says babies don't like going fast."

Edward grinned, watching the exchange. "Yeah, and since you can't go this year, I need someone to ride with me so I can hold onto them and scream into their ear when we get going over those dunes. And I have a feeling Jasper wouldn't really appreciate that."

"Nope, he would not," Jasper agreed with a grin as he joined us.

I rolled my eyes, but deep down I knew I'd already give in the moment Lizzie looked up at me with the same wide green eyes I'd fallen in love with. Twice.

"Fine. Just… make sure you find a helmet that fits her, Edward."

"She can borrow one of the boys' old ones," Emmett supplied.

"Yayay!" Lizze began jumping up and down with excitement. "Aw Mama, thank you Mama!"

"Yeah, Mama, you're the best," Edward murmured as he leaned down and kissed me softly on the mouth. I smiled against his lips when I felt Lizzie throw herself around my leg in a hug.

I looked down and smoothed back my daughters hair. "Now, go with your uncles so they can show you where Austin and Riley's old helmets are and you can pick one out that fits."

"'Kay!"

"And you guys more sure and eat before you go. There are lots of sandwiches and snacks in the cooler."

"Thanks, Mama!" Lizzie called as she took off back down the beach towards the storage shed where all the quadding equipment was stored.

"Yeah, thanks, Mama!" Emmett echoed before he and Jasper took off sprinting after Lizzie. "Now be careful not to get any _sand_ into your _sand_wich!" I could hear Emmett say when he caught her.

I turned back to Edward, who was trying to fight back a cocky grin as he watched me.

"What?" I asked.

His grin widened. "You are in so much trouble."

"What? Why?" I laughed.

"She's got you so figured out – you're wrapped right around her little finger. I mean, what happened to you? You used to be some kind of bad ass but you're just a big softie now."

I felt my face melt into a grin. "Yeah, I kind of screwed up somewhere didn't I?"

Edward raised his eyebrows and held back a smirk. "Yeah. Majorly."

"Oh, shut up." I laughed, elbowing him in the ribs. "I mean, that's why you have more than one kid right? Whatever you mess up with the first one you get to fix with the second."

"That's the theory."

"What? Should I have told her no?" I asked, suddenly panicked that I'd just made a major parenting error. But Riley and Austin had been going out there for years now and they weren't much older than Lizzie…

And then Edward just started laughing. I was confused until he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. "Relax, Bella. I just love watching you be a mother," he chuckled softly.

"That's not very nice," I frowned, but he only held me tighter, my bulging stomach pressed between the two of us.

"You know, when this baby is born, I totally dibs out of being bad cop this time around," I told him.

"I guess that's fair," he agreed.

But we both looked at each and laughed, because we knew it wouldn't last. If I was a softie when it came to my daughter, it was _nothing_ compared to Edward. Elizabeth could get away with murder when her father was around… and even I had to admit it was kind of adorable. Most of the time.

"You guys will be safe, right?" I asked, swinging back into full on mother-mode.

"Of course," he assured me. "Jasper was out this morning to make sure the trails were in good shape – which they are. We've got full tanks of gas, walkie-talkies, _and_ cell phones. Besides, we aren't even going that far."

"All right," I sighed, feeling better. Edward was getting really good at the whole 'comfort the worrywart mother' routine.

"See," he kissed my forehead again. "You don't need to be worrying about a thing but relaxing on this beautiful beach and taking care of my son."

"Or daughter," I grinned, biting my lip as I looked up at him.

He rolled his eyes. "Or daughter."

I laughed and stood on my tip-toes to kiss his lips. "Well, I'm gonna go inside then and see how the girls are making out with the twins."

"Okay," he said, smacking my ass lightly as I turned. Ah, some things never change.

"Oh, and Bella," he said, grabbing my arm to stop me. He licked his lips his lips as he leaned down and lowered his voice, his cheek pressed to mine as he murmured in my ear, "And when we get back, you better tell Alice and Jasper they're on babysitting duty because we've got some major payback to tend to."

"Payback?" I repeated blankly.

"You do remember what Em and Rose did to our guesthouse last weekend."

He grinned as a wicked smirk grew on my face.

"Ah, right. So you wanna see if we can't do some damage to that headboard, you mean?" I asked sweetly.

"Yeah." He licked his lips again and I could feel his eyes raking my body. "And then some."

"That we can do," I said, kissing him again, tingles spreading through my body. "Best not be too long then…" I grinned at him one last time before turning and making my way back to the beach house. And yeah, I could feel the gaze of my fuckhot husband following me with every step.

And yeah, some things never change.

**x.x.x**

* * *

**I could probably go on and on, thanking you guys for everything you've done for this story: the pimping, the discussing, the guiding, the reviewing… But I'm just need to say this: ending this story is so, incredibly bittersweet. I'm met some truly amazing, sweet, and hilarious people along the way. I can't even put it into words – it's been awesome!**

**And I really do apologize for how epically long it took me to complete this story. But, hey, this is by far the longest piece I have ever written (and probably will ever write), and I gotta say I'm just pretty darn happy to have finished! So thanks for making this journey with me and being my inspiration and motivation to finish. I hope you enjoyed, and I hope it was worth however many bajillion words long this ends up being, and, um… I hope you stick around, because you know this isn't the last you'll hear from me... (And this time it won't take me like 3 years to finish a story.) Anyway, just throw me on author alert if you're interested ;) **

**xoxo **

**Jody. **


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